The Day I Realized I Was a Xenos
To any of my brethren who may find this letter,
My name is Autronius of the Ultramarines. Today I am faced with the single most terrible decision of my short service of The Emperor. I wish that I had been permitted to serve him longer, but something indescribably terrible has happened to me. Yet, I shall make an effort to describe it for the benefit of the scholars and Librarians that might find this. The result of this event is that I will be forced to take my own life. This is not a selfish act, but in an effort to protect myself and others from my own actions.
I should make an effort to explain what has lead up to these events, and then what transpired. So therefore, I shall take a step backwards. My chapter brothers and I were called upon to deal with a Chaos uprising on a small planet. The scale of which was significant, but not to the point where it was a disaster. It was our task to purify the planet before the Inquisition was needed on a grander scale than their already token involvement.
With that we landed upon the planet and began our purge. The planet was scarcely populated with mostly farming communities and small towns. Some of the towns had only a small corruption and were able to be purified. Others were too far gone and had to be wiped clean so that their taint would not spread to the surrounding settlements. We had just left one of those less fortunate towns to travel to our next destination when the event occurred. We had been on guard for the entire duration as the member of the Inquisition traveling with us said that there were reports of a Chaos Sorcerer of significant power abound.
We had taken great care in our journey, but we had shamefully allowed ourselves to relax slightly as we traveled the deserted road to the next settlement. A good march would do us good, our commander told us. So, we set off onto the road with our transports alongside. It was perhaps halfway to our destination when the largest force of Chaos yet beset upon us. Heretics, not even bothering to hide their vile symbols, came from every direction. Minor demons started to appear all around us, and worst of all, the Sorcerer finally decided to make his appearance.
We could have been more vigilant that much is undeniable, but my brothers responded admirably. The tone of the group changed immediately and we formed up to face the wall of Chaos. The Sorcerer was devious and cowardly, choosing to stay behind the lines of his underlings and attempted to blast us with spells from afar. The great Librarian Marcellus Tarpei had been granted to us in order to combat this very threat, and he did an admirable job in combating the foul spells. May he be remembered well for his efforts.
Our commander shouted over the chaos for us to focus our fire on the demons, and then to work on the smaller targets. Our goal was to open a path through the enemy forces so that the Sorcerer may become a more direct target for Marcellus. We did not hope that he would be able to deal with the Sorcerer himself as he was already struggling to merely nullify the chaotic spells being flung at us. So instead, we endeavored to clear the legions enough to make it easier for him.
We were not making much of headway in this mission. Our enemy seemed to have marked this as their final stand and therefore brought everything to the field. Reinforcements poured in from only The Emperor knows whence. That is not to say we were losing, the Chaos were falling in droves and our casualties were minimal. The number of demons falling quickly enough that, despite constant summonings, their numbers were low. The few heretics that made it close to our lines were dealt with by the loud roar of the flamers, and the righteous thunder of the Terminators' lightning claws dealt with any demons that managed to get too close.
I am certain that many prayers were uttered to The Emperor that day, but I sadly do not know the outcome of the battle. I am not even sure what has happened to me as I “sit” here writing this letter with great difficulty. From where I am, there is a mirror clearly visible and I cannot stop myself from glancing at the terrible reflection every few minutes. My new appearance is both terrifying and amazingly curious at the same time. I fear that this is the effects of the Chaos magic, but I shall speak more of that in a moment.
Next comes the most shameful part of the battle. I am forced to admit to any who might find this that I have failed both The Emperor and my brothers. I let myself get distracted as the air trembled under a mighty spell that the Sorcerer was preparing to cast. The energies seemed to make the very air crackle and I could not stop myself from staring at him. For one brief moment I was certain that he knew I was watching him. He must have been greatly amused that an Ultramarine would break his diligence to watch his spell casting. This shameful thought is driven home by the fact that the mass of heretics parted for the briefest of moments in the surging of battle. This opened a clear avenue between us and he directed a grin in my direction. It was a twisted motion that I wish to never see again.
It was then that I knew I had a chance to make up for my previous failure. I made to raise my bolter. If I could get a shot on him now, then it is possible I could change the tides of the battle. We would undoubtedly win this day if I could fell this vile puppet of Chaos. I did not have time to calm myself, it took all of my concentration to force myself to fire before the gap closed again. My shots went wide. I failed The Emperor and my Chapter for the second time that day. If it were not for what happened next, I would say that this was the most shameful moment of my life.
He laughed. The Sorcerer laughed at me. I was certain that I could hear it, but there was no possible way that I could have heard the sound over the roaring of the bolters and flamers. My mind must be growing weak to allow for such imagination. I would punish myself with a harsh training regime and meditation if it were not already irrelevant at this point. That will not be needed, he let loose his spell and struck me with it. The spell was nothing like any I have ever seen before and agony is the only word that can come close to describing the feeling of having my body torn at by the chaotic energies.
When the spell was cast I heard one of my brothers call out to me, but my vision was quickly darkening. I was ready to give myself up to The Emperor and hoped that he might be able to forgive me for my transgressions. My last thought was that at least none of my brothers would know of my shameful actions that day.
But that was not the end; I did not die. Something has happened to me and I must assume it is the result of that terrible spell. I know not if I have been truly changed or merely corrupted by the chaotic magics. My mind is intact for now, but I cannot realistically expect that to be the case for much longer. I woke up in a foreign land the likes of which I have never seen, and these strange creatures tell me that they found me screaming in terror outside their village. I was screaming, but did not respond to any of their prompts. They took me into their homes, despite my outward appearance and my behavior of one so greatly disturbed.
It is now several days later and I do not remember any of what has happened between. I am now in the house of the one who calls herself “Twilight Sparkle.” These creatures are like the horses that the Imperial Guard use for their scouts, yet smaller and sapient. They also appear to be all brightly colored, but I do not recognize any of the colors of Chaos present in their banners and heraldry. My brain tells me that I may be safe here, but my training tells me that there is no way this is real.
The problem lies in the fact that I now look like them. They do not have armor to match mine, in fact they don’t seem to have armor or much weaponry at all. I have been turned into what they term “a pony” and my armor has been adapted to fit this new form. Whatever chaotic magic struck me not only carried me here and changed me, but also altered my armor. My armor, which had been blessed by our chaplain before leaving, has not only completely changed shape to match me, but still seems to retain all of its functions. The only noticeable change besides the shape is that there is now a hole to allow my “tail” to move freely. I must admit that the tail is the biggest source of curiosity and that which drives me to keep looking at the mirror.
As I have stated before, these creatures show no sign of following chaotic gods. I can not see any signs of corruption from genestealers in them either. I shall not have proper time to study them, though. I am too great of a threat. I cannot possibly ignore the notion that none of this is real. The chaotic spell could never have made such a great alteration in me without corrupting my mind completely. I am forced to come to the conclusion that the Sorcerer is even now trying to twist my mind away from The Emperor. Perhaps it is through the efforts of Marcellus that it has not worked, but after being hit with such a spell I cannot hold hope that I am without ill effects.
We are all taught to be wary of the chaotic magics that may at times turn a loyal marine against his Emperor. Too much exposure to Chaos and demons can taint a marine and cause them to fight against their Emperor. In this, those who dedicate their lives to fighting Chaos can sometimes become its greatest weapon. I cannot allow this possibility to come to pass. If this letter is found by a member of the Imperium, then please tell my brothers that I am sorry for my failures and that I even now endeavor to make up for them. I do not intend to live long enough to find out if I am being turned by the dark Sorcerer as I cannot allow the possibility of the forces of Chaos gaining me as an ally.
These creatures are too kind for their own good. They do not know me, and despite my appearance I am clearly alien to them. If I told them of my intentions, then they would undoubtedly try to stop me. They welcomed a strange creature into their homes and tried to comfort him. If these are not figments of my tortured mind and truly are some as yet unknown innocents of the Galaxy. If these are in fact a race untouched by this great war that ravages across all of space, then I must protect them from myself before I am turned to Chaos.
Either way, the result is the same. I saw a deadly place on the map of this Librarian and asked her about it and a few other places. I shall not write where I am going as she may yet try to follow me. I am confident that my destination will give me what I seek, though. I shall leave this letter in her care and seek my death. She is a curious type, so I plan to tell her that I have a task that needs to be done and to give this to any of you my brothers who might find this place. I shall not be telling her a lie, I must protect my brothers, myself, and possibly these creatures from the corruption of Chaos. It is possible that this course of action is not necessary, but I can see no other way out. I cannot give in to the hope that it is not necessary, doing so would risk yet another failure to The Emperor and the honor of the Ultramarines.
My only wish is that I might have known if my brothers still live. I hope that they were able to defeat the Vile Sorcerer, but if they failed then I do not doubt our chapter master dealt with him summarily. The knowledge that I could have turned the battle in their favor and failed shall burn me with shame until the last flames of my life extinguish.
May The Emperor’s wisdom guide you,
-Battle Brother Autronius
