A Meat Lover’s Agony

by MrPip42

Rating: teen
Tags: Violence, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Fluttershy
Length: 4791

A guide on how to (not)eat meat in Equestria.

Sometimes you really need a nice, big, juicy piece of meat to eat. Unfortunately, every creature around you has eyes larger than their heads and are friend shaped.

No animals were harmed in the making of this story, much to his dismay.

A goofy idea I spent an hour writing. Please enjoy.

Audiobook Version now available - Done by yours truly.

Published 2023-07-01 12:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-07-02 11:33:20 UTC

A Meat Lover’s Agony.

Three months in a forest, alone, afraid, and fending for my life. The sun barely peeks out from the treetops, and every night brings with it a new terror to fend off. Everything from the violent weather, the deceitful plantlife, or the vicious creatures seemed out to get me. If there ever was a good description of hell, this forest would be it. No sane man would ever call this place his home, or venture into it willingly. I certainly didn’t.

There I was, sitting on a dog park bench after a long day’s work. I didn’t have a dog, but I did love watching dogs. The way they would run around and play in the park was oddly calming to me after the hard labor that fills most of my day. They danced and pranced around each other, lovingly played with their owners with balls or sticks or any other toy they could get their teeth on, and sometimes they would even come up to me and say hi. Those dogs were the ones that got pieces of my after work salami sandwich.

The best salami sandwich you’ll ever eat, mind you. Meat from the most run down deli you’ll find in the city. Given to you by an overweight man who barely spoke english but somehow could have deep philosophical discussions that left you questioning reality itself for three days straight. The only break from the unending thoughts were the delectable pieces of salami he would give you, between two pieces of white bread I bought at walmart. Hey, I didn’t say the bread was going to be fancy.

Now where was I? Ah, right, so there I was. Sitting at the dog park, eating my salami sandwich. I don’t exactly know when I dozed off while sitting on that bench, but I did fall asleep at some point. I remember dreaming about some weird kids show I saw my niece watching years ago, but the details were fuzzy. What was really odd was what I saw when my eyes opened.

It certainly wasn’t a dog park, I can tell you that. Most dog parks have lots of open grass with a spattering of trees for shade and variety. What I found myself sitting in after my nap was very much the opposite. Trees as dense as a rug surrounded me, and I could barely see the grass underneath the bush and brush that covered the ground. There was only a small space on the earth left bare, the spot where me and my bench sat.

Now I don’t consider myself a wildlife expert, but I did grow up as a boy scout and did plenty of wildlife expeditions. What I found myself sitting in was nothing like the forests I had camped in as a kid. It was dark, and damp, and oddly two dimensional when I looked at it in a certain way. A part of me thought I was actually in a jungle in the southern hemisphere. None of the flora or fauna was at all familiar, and there were clearly no signs of civilization in any which direction.

I wasn’t in Kansas anymore, not that I was in Kansas to begin with, it just felt fitting to say. The dog that stood in front of me didn’t seem very amused, though. Probably the only dog left from the dog park. It was an odd looking dog, larger than any other canine I had ever seen. It’s breath was absolutely rancid, like a bunch of moldy fungus went up my nose. It also had a pair of glowing greenish-yellow eyes, with leaves for angry eyebrows. Oh, and it was completely made of wood, I almost forgot that part.

Still, a dog came up to my bench, and I was never one to be picky. I pulled off a piece of the greatest salami sandwich of all time, and offered it to the wood dog. Call it a habit that made me do it. This dog looked angry, sure, but so did bulldogs and they were always the loveliest dogs to meet. I’m sure some nice salami will help cheer it up.

Apparently, the salami wasn’t enough, as it chomped on my entire extended hand instead.

“Holy Salami!” I cried in pain and jumped up from my bench seat. My arm lifted quite easily despite the giant wood dog currently attached to it, it may be surprisingly light because it’s made out of a loose collection of twigs and leaves. That didn’t make the splinter it was giving my hand any better.

I did what any sane man would do when suddenly bit by a bundle of sticks shaped like a dog. I swung it around and screamed like a little girl. Each swing I made connected with a nearby tree, and I don’t think the wood dog was expecting to be picked up so easily. Within a few slams of the nearby tree trunks, the wooden animal was splinters. The firm grip of its jaw finally letting go when it too was hit against the tree.

The hand, thankfully, survived. The salami did not. The last piece of meat I ever ate.

From here, I could detail what life has been like for me for the past three months. How that wood dog(whom from hereon will be called Bark) repeatedly grew back together and chased me through this mess of a forest. How I had to use every instinct trained in me as a boy scout and a scared man to survive. But in these three months, I've actually learned quite well how to survive. At first it was frantic, but after I was able to build a small shelter and some basic traps, I was left alone from the greater dangers in the forest.

I learned what food I could gather that wasn’t poisonous, what places in my immediate area to avoid were. I created primitive tools to use, and fought against the beasts of the wild. Where once a regular 9-5 laborer sat on a bench, now a cold-blooded survivor of hell stood… I did bring that bench to my shelter though, it’s more comfortable than the dirt.

I found a way to survive, but in the process, I lost something important. It wasn’t the phone I accidentally dropped in the river, or my underpants(no explanation will be provided). What I lost was far worse, and even now haunts me.

I lost meat.

That salami sandwich, that beautiful, delectable, philosophical discussion ending salami sandwich. Even after so long I remember its taste on my tongue. The texture, the mouth feel, the flavor. Out of anything in this new world I woke up in, I desperately wanted to eat a piece of meat.

You may ask me ‘did you not set up hunting traps?’ Of course I did! One of the first things I did was set up a few small game traps, in hopes of catching a rabbit or squirrel. It would be tough and gamey over an open fire, but meat was meat and I wanted it bad.

Eventually, I did find a rabbit caught in one of my traps! Not killed, but tied up in a rope vine I made. I watched it struggle against the vine, desperately trying to break free. Until it heard me approach and looked in my direction.

This, this right here is what made this forest truly hell. It wasn’t the Barks, or that giant purple bear I once saw, it was this rabbit. This vulnerable, meek, pathetic rabbit, with the biggest eyes you could ever see on a creature like that. Its eyes were half of its damn head, and all of it was pointed at me with fear. Tears started forming around the edges, and I swear I saw it start to hyperventilate.

A rabbit trapped and frightened for its life was by far the most adorable thing I've ever seen, and I was about to kill and eat it. My mouth was salivating at the mere thought of the warm, juicy meat that laid just beneath that pelt of adorable, cuddly, terrified fur…

I cut the trap and let the rabbit run off. Hell had beaten me that day. In the process, I made a new friend who periodically visits my shelter to leave berries or snacks. Eventually, I named him Reminder, a reminder of my desperate wish for a big, juicy piece of meat.

Reminder wasn’t the last of the animals I succumbed to, unfortunately. My next trap caught a squirrel, who’s chattering noises and pleading gaze left me unable to plunge the knife. I got nuts left at my door after letting it go, I named her Nutters, because of the nuts. After Nutters was a raccoon. Why a raccoon was in a jungle forest like this, I had no idea, but it used its tiny hands to beg for mercy. There wasn’t even a chance of killing it after watching its little display. His name became Beggar, and now I got actual trash left in my shelter too.

No matter what I fought, or who I hunted, I couldn’t get myself to kill it. A gigantic lion monster with a scorpion tail attacked me one day, and if I had beaten it I could’ve had the most luxurious lion/bug meat in my life!… When my makeshift spear stabbed into the palm of its hand, however, the giant beast began to cry. Like a child who just got a boo boo. It rocked back and forth like a baby. I could have killed it and had meat for weeks, months even!

Chomper left a giant tree branch near my shelter the next day.

As I laid in my bench, with Nutters, Beggar, Reminder and Chomper all snuggled in with me, I decided that no matter what, I would find and kill my next capture. No matter what it was, no matter how small or adorable or cute or cuddly or lovable or- Aaagh! No matter what, I was getting to eat some meat!!

My newest traps were larger than the previous snares I had been using. With enough strength to catch a deer inside of it. I had seen what looked like a zebra a couple days ago and wanted to hunt it down, but it ran off before I could even think about it. It did, however, make me want to catch a deer. If there were any in this forest. They probably would have huge, adorable eyes that-

No! No! Don’t think about the eyes, only the meat. The sweet venison… it would soon be mine! I did my rounds around my territory, checking each trap that I had laid out. No luck on the first few. If that zebra was around, it was smart enough to avoid this area, and I hadn’t see any other creature like it. Now that I think about it, I did see some gold on that Zebra. Was it normal for wildlife to have jewelry?

Focus, don’t think about jewelry, only the meat! There was one more trap to check, and if I was lucky, it would have the perfect prize waiting for me! Don’t think about the eyes. Think about a t-bone, bacon and lamb. Chicken wings, rabbit stew, hamburgers, pork chops, salami! Venison…

…Horse meat.

Ding Ding Ding! Jackpot! Count my lucky stars, my last trap caught something! A creature that had plenty of meat on it was struggling against the vines that held it. With its eyes quickly scanning the- no, don’t look at the eyes! You found meat! Don’t let this cartoony hell forest take that from you, me!

The creature itself, ignoring the eyes, was some form of horse. A miniature horse maybe? With its body proportions shrunk and misshapen. It didn’t have hooves, rather its legs ended in soft stumps that vaguely looked like hooves. Its head also didn’t look like a horse. The face was smashed in and made into a dainty little snout, and its eyes- were nothing of note!

I seem to forget to mention the most important parts of a creature when I describe them. Just like the wooden part of the Bark. This mini-deformed horse, for example, was purple. A purple horse, or is that lavender? Magenta? I don’t know colors that well, we’ll just call it purple. Even its mane and tail were purple, with streaks of different purple mixed in. Like a fourteen year old’s first hair dye. A purple deformed horse thing was caught. It was about as weird as all the other creatures I've found in this place, so I decided to accept that it is just the way it is. If I denied it, I wouldn’t get any meat! Just accept that it's a horse with a weird sparkly tattoo on its butt and has a horn on the top of its head. Those aren’t important, that butt tattoo didn’t matter, but that juicy flank meat did!

I pulled out my knife and approached. If I wanted to get meat today, I had to do it fast. One quick slice before the horse had a chance to incapacitate me. There was no way this one would use its adorable eye trickery on me today! I even shut my eyes to make sure of it! Out of the bushes, and approaching the horse, I readied my knife to plunge into its neck. One quick movement, and everything I have ever wanted since landing here would be mine!

Then that horse started screaming.

My eyes shot open, and there the horse was. Pleading for its life, struggling against the trap that ensnared it, and speaking. I couldn’t exactly understand what all the whinnies and horse noises meant, but they were formed in a way that clearly were making words. I locked eyes with the talking creature, and she continued to plead while looking at me with her giant, dark purple, adorable, fearful eyes.

I punched myself in the face, starting the unicorn-horse thing. I’ve come this far and I won’t let those cursed eyes stop me! Horse meat was on the menu for tonight! Finish the job and everything I ever wanted would be mine! Just do it… kill it! Kill it! Kill the talking, pleading, scared, adorable, huggable, cuddly horse!

…

…

…

My knife swiped, and the horse shielded itself in terror, but the blade never connected with it. The vine that held it up gave way and dropped it to the ground. The horse scrambled to its feat and took a few fearful steps back away from me. I already gave up, and waited for it to leave. It seemed to recognize what I had just done for it. Galloping away into the dark forest, a moment later, I saw a bright flash of sparkly light in the direction the horse went.

If the horse leaves anything at my shelter tomorrow, I'll name her Sparkler. Oh, and I'm becoming a vegetarian.

Author's Note

I’m gonna go eat my meat lover’s pizza now. Hope you enjoyed.

BONUS: Sparkler Brings the Meat

Author's Note

The top of Featured. More views than I have ever gotten before in a mere 3 hours, 200 bookshelves added, and more positive feedback than I know what to do with.

I genuinely did not expect any of it. This was just a fun little break between chapters for my longer fic. Thank you for checking out my dumb idea, and I hope it brightened your day a bit afterward.

I did see all the requests for more to the meat lover’s guilt trip adventures. At first, I did not plan on doing anymore, since I wanted to focus on my other story and didn’t have any ideas to add. However, with all of the requests and positive feedback, as well as hitting the top of Featured, I decided to write this as a thank you. There will be no more after this, but I appreciate you coming to check it out all the same. :twilightsmile:

If you enjoy my work, I have one other fic on the site you can check out, and I probably will do more one shots like this when the mood strikes me. Thank you again, and enjoy!

WARNING: Animals were harmed in the making of this bonus chapter.

BONUS: Sparkler Brings the Meat

Sparkler came to visit my bench shelter multiple times after I let her go, much to my disappointment. Reminder, Nutters, Beggar and Chomper were already constant memories of my lost meals, now I had a deformed horse with incredibly meaty and delicious looking legs coming by to chat each day. This forest is alive, I swear it. It knows the pain and guilt I feel and decided to punish me for it. Taunting me with delicious meals I just can’t eat!

What the horse brought him on the first day was food. She came after Reminder brought me a berry, Nutters brought me a nut, Beggar brought me an empty soda can, Chomper brought me an entire berry bush, roots included, and Bark brought me a piece of its wood to chew on. Bark didn’t part with that one willingly though. Its woody flesh was hardly a replacement for actual meat, but it made me feel like I was eating beef jerky. I’ll worry about the broken teeth later.

Sparkler’s offering was different, namely because it came on a proper plate. As well as a fork and napkin included. Wait, a fork? How do horses use forks? How do they carry plates without breaking them? Does Sparkler possess hidden hands that couldn’t be seen? Could you make fried fingers from them?… My grumbling stomach and toothache from the wooden bark told me to forget about such silly questions. There was a meal in front of me after all!

The meal was an apple salad, which, coming from a horse, made sense. I certainly wouldn’t complain about getting more of those apples. Whatever dressing they used for it was really good as well. A far cry better than the scavenged food I have been eating. The only problem was the flowers. They mixed actual flowers into the salad, and every so often I had to pull a flower off of my tongue. Daisies made into a salad by a deformed, bug eyed and incredibly adorable horse were still daisies and not at all tasty. Overall, I give it a 6.5/10, less flowers, maybe add some bacon into it. Would really add to the flavor and get me some nice and crispy meat to eat.

The weirder part of the whole meal was Sparkler’s observation of it. She watched me eat the salad and pick at the flowers while writing things down in a notepad. Which floated in front of her with purply glowy stuff around it. Guess that explains the forks.

Oh she also had a camera, spotlight, tape recorder, and some clicking device that spewed out paper but clearly wasn’t connected to anything. What Sparkler was doing, I had no idea, but food was food and until I could get a ribeye it was the best thing that happened to me these past three months. She spoke into the tape recorder in more of that horse language. Maybe I should have tried harder to understand what the whinnies and grunts meant, but after the fiftieth “hrububuluhuh” I decided that was a lost cause.

The next day, Sparkler was back again, another salad in hand… hoof, or maybe hands? The invisible chicken finger hands were still up for debate. We’ll say hoof until I can prove it. She hoofed over the salad, and stood closer to me as I ate this time. The whole time we talked, she tried to talk to me in horse talk. Here was a second try at learning a bit about their language, maybe a word or two that would help with communication. Instead I decided to have a bit of fun.

Whinny.

“You flatter me! I am the most handsome man alive, thank you for agreeing Sparkler.”

Huff, Huff, Whinny.

“Chomper did what to Beggar?! How dare he! I’ll have to talk to him about it next time he brings me a bush.”

Snort, Snort, Whinny, Groan

“Why yes I would love to have a horse flank steak, are you sharing?”

Groan…

After the meal was over, Sparkler left looking rather dejected. I, for one, enjoyed the company. It was delightful to have another intelligent being to talk to. These past three months made me think I've gone crazy or something, but Reminder reminded me that it was nothing to worry about. Reminder does give pretty great life advice sometimes. If only I could turn him into a stew.

The third day brought Sparkler back once again. At this point I think she may have a bit of a crush on me. During meal time she held up a book full of horse words that I couldn’t understand, and read something aloud from it. The words on the page somehow sounded more like horse nonsense than the words she spoke. A few moments later, Sparkler’s horn began to glow purply and sparkly. Two thoughts went through my mind then.

Man, I'm really good at picking names.

And

Holy shit I’m glowing purple what is happening oh god please-

The sparkle glow popped a moment later, and the horse tried talking to me again. More horse gibberish as she calmed me down and explained that she used a spell to help them communicate… Which made a lot of sense, if you ignored the fact that it was magic- Wait a minute.

Whatever sparkly shit Sparkler just did, it didn’t quite make horse talk make any sense, but it helped me understand the intent behind the gibberish. It just went into my head after she said anything. If only I had this when reading online internet messages. Sparkler was able to “say” that she wished to learn more about me, and promised food and assistance for allowing her to observe and study me.

This was the greatest revelation yet! A living, sapient miniature horse civilization was now within my grasp! Not to eat, my guilt would kill me, but to communicate with! Doors newly opened, I could live a better life than this. With a home and a garden and a Bark to feed salami too on my trusty bench. All I had to do was communicate with this horse, get it to be my liason to the local government leaders, gain approval as an ambassador to humanity, and live a life of luxury!

I could have a new life of adventure in this horse world! Find out I have magic powers of my own, maybe even find love with a dragon, if dragons existed. I did it once in a dnd game, might as well try it now.

The possibilities were endless, and all I had to do was ask! My first message to Sparkler was an important one. The stepping stone to my future in these foreign lands. If I chose correctly, my days would be brighter than ever! So I came to my decision, and spoke.

“I want the biggest, juiciest, fattest, tastiest piece of meat. Give me that, and you may study me!”

I have my priorities straight.

Sparkler flinched as the intent behind my words entered her mind. The hesitation she felt was apparent, and I swear I saw a hint of disgust. I took it on the chin. Judge me all you want, if I get the best meat this world has to offer because if it, then your disgust would be worth it!

Just please don’t give me those frightened eyes again, dear god my heart wouldn’t be able to take it.

Clearly, Sparkler was considering my offer. I was asking a herbivore, possibly pacifist horse to take a creature’s life and give me its flesh. That could be considered a blood sacrifice here for all I know. What I really wanted to know was if making a deal with a demon and sacrificing a goat was worth it to this horse.

Thankfully, it was! Newest cult member Sparkler nodded her head in agreement. The last message I was given from her was that she would bring the meal tomorrow. I could barely contain my excitement. Real meat! Meat that wasn’t alive and able to guilt trip me with ridiculous intelligent gazes. Meat that didn’t give you gifts and slept with you for warmth at night after you released them.(Chomper is a really good big spoon.)

I awaited the moment Sparkler would arrive with the vast amount of patience you found in a child left in a doctor’s office. Complete with constant whining, groans, and fiddling with every little thing around me. Except instead of magazines, that doctor’s office toy with the shapes, you know which one I'm talking about, and my mom’s hair, I had leaves, branches, and Nutters’ fuzzy wuzzy cheeks. Which were remarkably flexible, mind you.

Eventually, Nutters had enough with her cheeks being my stress ball and ran off. Thankfully, that was the moment I saw Sparkler approach my shelter. This time, she wasn’t alone. A light yellow deformed horse followed behind her, half of the horse’s face covered by a pink mane that reminded me of a strawberry ice cream cone with how it swirled around her face. This horse had a butt tattoo as well, but unlike Sparkler this one was of three butterflies. Between the color of her coat and the butt tattoo, I decided her name was Butters.

Butters regarded me with a shy demeanor in the first moment she saw me, but soon after looked up in awe. As if I was some rare mythical creature. I wasn’t the one with wings on her back!… Hold up, she did have wings! Two small wings were pressed against Butters’ back, and as far as I could tell, no horn stuck out of her big forehead. Either they could retract the horns, or this horse was an entirely different species!

It really made me wonder what horse chicken wings would taste like.

Before my mind could continue to imagine food that I would never eat, my nose picked up a smell. A wonderful smell I had not smelled since I started smelling in this forest of really bad smells. Freshly. Cooked. Meat. My mouth began to water, my eyes went wide, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. This was it, this was the meat!

Butters approached carefully, a gentle smile on her admittedly very adorable and not very edible face. Her wings spread and lowered themselves to reveal a glass plate that was resting on her back. I’d applaud the incredible balance she needed to carry that plate on her back, but the smell took over any other thought I had. I was a dog that just saw my owner pull out a treat. In God's name my tail would be wagging if I had one.

With her mouth(ew) she picked up the plate from her back and gently set it down in front of me. Sparkler with her sparkly glow magic then placed a napkin next to it, along with a fork and a butter knife. My eyes locked onto the most beautiful sight I had ever laid eyes upon.

A fish, salmon to be precise, grilled and laid out evenly upon the glass plate. Lightly seasoned with salt and pepper, and a spritz of lemon drizzled over the top. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes upon. To whatever gods above that damned me to this cartoony hellhole, I thank you for this day, and forgive you for all of your past transgressions against me. Thank you for making an intelligent, magical creature such as Sparkler be so stupid as to get caught in my trap. Thank you, for the best meal I will ever have in this life.

Butters and Sparkler smiled towards me, waiting patiently for me to finish my meal. A meal I wasted no time indulging. The first bite melted in my mouth, and I swear the music of the gods began to play. Each bite added an instrument to the growing symphony in my heart. It was beautiful, it was perfect, it was euphoric.

It was enough for me to forget my fish allergy.

Butters and Sparkler watched in horror, for as soon as the final bite of my salmon went down my throat, I promptly spilled my guts in front of them.

And by god it was worth it.