Why Do I Feel This Way?

by Researcher_Harold

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Sad, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Suicide / Self Harm
Length: 1946

After the accident, Twilight feels less... whole.

3 years ago, Twilight Sparkle is experimenting, of course, when she makes a mistake that leaves her missing something important.

Taken from the POV of Twilight Sparkle.

Published 2023-07-01 17:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-07-01 17:20:01 UTC

I feel empty

3 years ago…

“Alright girls, I’ll see you tomorrow!” I called out, waving my hoof at my best friends outside of my library.

“Bye Twilight!” They all exclaim in unison. I love my friends, without them, I would truly be nothing. I shut the door to the library and let out a comfortable sigh. I am Twilight Sparkle, protégé of Princess Celestia herself and bearer of the Element of Magic. Oh, I also like to perform experiments, much like the one I’m about to do!

I turn around and use my magic to pluck very specific books off of the shelves and place them all in neat stacks. Carefully, I check each one to make sure I have them all.

‘...Fields of Friendship, check. And Calibers of Emotional Bonding, check! I’m all set!” I gather up all of my books again in my magic and trot over to my basement door. I nudge it open, knowing I really cannot use my magic to open it while carrying so many other objects! I slowly walk down the stairs, carefully so that I don’t trip and hurt myself and damage my books. As I reach the bottom, I quickly place my books on a nearby table and grab a scroll and quill.

“Alright! This love potion should be just like the other one I made, only less… permanent.” I shuddered at the thought. Last time, I had concocted the perfect love potion and used it on Applejack’s older brother. I had assumed that it would wear off eventually, but we all had to deal with a very flirtatious Big Macintosh for 3 days until Princess Celestia arrived. He was… charming? Anyway, I’m getting off track!

I grab a test tube and a sealed container and unseal it, letting a green vapor come out of it. I pour the liquid into the test tube and observe as the sickly green goo sloshes around. It was always amazing how something this disgusting could become something so… amazing! And the process was so simple, just use magic to transform it.

“Here goes nothing!” I aim my horn at the bubbling green liquid and let out a smooth stream of magic. This process shouldn’t take too long, maybe 30 seconds at most. I observe how the sickly green goo slowly becomes orange, then red, then pink. “AHA!” I exclaim, accidentally flaring my magic. In that brief second, the whole world went black.

When I awoke, I noticed that I felt completely fine. I groaned and stood on all fours, shaking my head, which felt a little fuzzy. I look at the table to see the results of the experiment, only to groan more when I see a splatter of black liquid and shards of glass.

“Ugh… another failure. Well, I guess I can spend time with… with…” I stop and look around my basement, taking in the surroundings of my many machines and equipment. “With who now?” I shook my head again and stumbled back up the stairs, pushing open the door to the main library. A passing glance at a window shows that it was morning. Morning. I had slept in the basement again. I mirthlessly chuckle. “I’ve really got to stop doing that.”

“Hey Twilight, you awake?” A familiar voice sounds from deeper within the library.

“...” I open my mouth to respond, but I am met with cold emptiness from inside. Did I know this pony? No, they don’t sound like a pony. I shook my head and reply to the stranger. “Yeah, I am, and who are you?”

Silence reigns in the library for a good couple of seconds before the stranger speaks again, this time with light footfalls toward her. “Ha ha, Twilight, nice one.” At the top of the stairs, a vaguely familiar shape steps out of a room. I squint and rub my eyes, but next, I look, it was a short gray blob.

“Do I… know you…?” I ask carefully as the grey blob walks down the stairs. It stops and seems to look at me, making me uncomfortable.

“Come on, Twilight. I know you slept in the basement today, but you seriously don’t remember me?” The blob asks, its tone indifferent. “I’m Spike? The dragon? Ring any bells?”

I stare at ‘Spike’ for a couple more seconds before shaking my head. “Can’t say it does.”

“Come on! The best chef in Ponyville? Best cuddler on the block? Your Number One Assistant…?” ‘Spike’ trails off as it seems to turn away.

“I really don’t know who you are, ‘Spike’, but those are all very courageous titles. Now, what were you doing in my room?” I took a step forward.

“Wha- but that’s my room too!” ‘Spike’ steps away.

“Last time I checked, I live alone.” I took another step forward.

“C-C’mon Twi, it’s me, y’know? Your baby dragon brother?” ‘Spike’ takes another step away.

“As I’ve said, I don’t know you.” I light up my horn and pick up the blob. I trot over to the door of the library and open it up, tossing ‘Spike’ out of my library. “And I don’t want you coming back.” I slam the door, infuriated that a complete stranger was in my room. That creep. So, why do I feel so empty?

“Acting like it knows me… annoying little… thing.” I stomp over to my kitchen, ready to get on with the day.

A knock echoes through the library.

“It’s open. This is a public library, y’know.” I reply to the knocking all without looking up from my book.

The door opens and a pony walks in, I could tell from the sounds of their walking.

“Twilight, dear, are you alright?” I know that voice, it feels so familiar. “I was told by Spike that you aren’t feeling yourself.”

I look up from my book and briefly glimpse the shape of a white unicorn with a stylish mane. But the second I look, I shake my head and the pony becomes a featureless gray blob.

“Can I help you?” I ask while looking back at my book.

“Twilight?” The voice was different now. Why did I ever think that I knew that pony? “Spike was right…” I could hear her mutter.

“Look, if you need something, just ask, otherwise, browse as usual,” I said with a slight air of annoyance.

“Look at me, Twilight.” I reluctantly comply and look back up at the blob. “Do you know who I am?”

“No, I think I would remember something as unusual as a pony-shaped grey blob.” I glare at her. The pony seemingly flinches.

“I’m not a gray blob! I am Rarity, a white unicorn with a luscious mane of a dazzling purple!” The blob named ‘Rarity’ seemingly swished her mane.

“Uh-huh, sure. Let me know when the sky is falling, and then I’ll believe you.” I turn back to my book.

“Twilight… deary, do you truly not know me?” ‘Rarity’ asks with a tone of indifference.

“Can’t say I’ve ever met you.” I disregard looking back at her.

“I… I am your friend Twilight! I’ve been your friend for two whole years…” ‘Rarity’ seems to have trailed off again. I look back up and see her staring at the ground with her vacant eyes.

“Yeah, I’d bet. Now, can you leave me alone? I’ve got a lot to study for.” I huff and turn back to my book, hearing a sound similar to a deflating balloon. That’s strange, I haven’t bought balloons in years. Whatever, the pony walked out of the library, leaving the door slightly ajar, which I viciously slammed shut with my magic.

Another set of knocks on my door.

“This is a public library! You don’t have to knock.” I call out to whoever was behind the door. I look up at the door to see the blob named ‘Rarity’ walk back in, this time with ponies in tow. I see an orange pony with a hat and blonde mane, I see a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane, I see a yellow pegasus with a pink mane, and I see a pink pony with a pink mane, who is excitedly bouncing. They are all so familiar to me, but when I screw my eyes shut and shake my head, they all reveal themselves as featureless pony-shaped gray blobs.

“And who are all of these fine ponies, ‘Rarity’?” I look at the gray blob which I understand is ‘Rarity’. I hear a collective gasp from the group of five ponies. “What?” I ask while looking back over to the group. Even the excited grey blob was no longer bouncing.

“Sugarcube… ya really don’t remember us?” The hat-wearing one asked.

‘C’mon Twi, you can’t really be forgetting us!” A currently hovering pegasus blob said loudly.

“...um… it’s us… Twilight…” A very timid gray blob spoke up but immediately hid its featureless face behind a featureless mane.

I look at the blob that was bouncing and was surprised to see that the once ‘fluffy’ featureless mane was now a completely straight featureless mane.

“Twilight… you can’t forget us!” The bouncy one said loudly. “What about all of the parties we had together? What about all of our adventures?”

That did it. I quickly stood up on all fours and let my anger clearly show on my face.

“THAT’S IT! Look, I have no clue who you all are! I don’t care if you say you know me, I don’t care if you keep pressing the issue, but one thing is clear! I, Twilight Sparkle, HAVE NEVER KNOWN ANY OF YOU THROUGHOUT MY WHOLE LIFE!!!” I was screaming at the top of my lungs and I swear that my mane was on fire. All of the blobs stood there, looking at me before they all hobbled up and out of my library. Good, they’re gone. Good… good…

“H-Huh?” I felt my face and felt fresh tears pouring down my face. “H-Hey, why am I crying?” I tried to wipe away my tears, but they just kept coming. Soon, the sobs came quickly after and I lay on the library floor, a sobbing mess. Little did I know, somepony from outside was watching this happen.

2 years after…

The blobs are adamant that they are my friends, so I just caved in and said that ‘Yes, they are my friends’. This didn’t help things. Where I wanted to stay was my library and my bed, wanting to lay awake all day and night and think about the emptiness plaguing my soul. So they dragged me out of my library and brought me to places like ‘Sweet Apple Acres’ and ‘The Carasoel Boutique’, but they were such boring places and I never want to go back. ‘Sugarcube Corner’ is a place I might revisit, just because they make good pastries, but even those are losing their flavor. On second thought, I’ll never go back. Not to take in the stares that every last blob gave me! Why was I the only normal pony!? Why was I the only one who was right!? Why am I… so… USELESS!?!?

1 year after that…

I can’t take it anymore, I can’t find my place in this world. I can’t take the stares, the talking behind my back, the gossip, the rumors, the everything! I’m the only normal one in this whole world! So why should I have to stay? And so, I set up a rope in my room, tied a noose around my neck, and did what I did best... I wrote to Celestia.

Dear Princess Celestia,

What is the point of life?