The "C" Word

by Super Luigi 64

Rating: teen
Tags: Applejack, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 1465

Drunken misunderstandings lead to pun abuse and wingboners.

When Applejack and Rainbow Dash hit the bar to unwind after a long week, one small misunderstanding makes the conversation take a surprisingly (and one-sidedly) racy turn. Can Rainbow Dash handle what she thinks she's learning?

Rated Teen for the gratuitous (and multi-definitive) use of the "C" word.

Published 2012-09-30 05:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-30 05:54:01 UTC

A Chicken That Don't Lay Eggs.

It was a typical Saturday night at Berry's Place. Ponies of all backgrounds had come to unwind after another stress-filled week of work, family, and watching Twilight Sparkle and her friends avert the latest Armageddon. Stories would long be told of “The Great Were-Pony Attack” (and the t-shirt sales were pretty solid), but, on this particular night, everypony just needed a break.

Two such ponies were seated at the corner table, laughing loud enough to cause, what at any other time and place, could be considered a disturbance. One, an orange-coated earth pony with a blond, Stetson-adorned mane, the other, a pegasi, was cyan with hair best described as “prismatic”. The pair had been putting away drinks at a considerable pace (likely as part of a competition, knowing them), and were well on their way to a lovely hangover in the morning.

The conversation inevitably drifted, as it always does for folks of a certain age, to relationships. Well, to be blunt, sex. As the orange mare continued to list an impressive array of carnal accomplishments, however, the blue pegasi grew strangely quiet.

“Something wrong, sugar cube?” Applejack inquired, noticing her companion being unusually subdued.

Rainbow Dash sighed, heavily. “Can I be honest with you, A.J.?”

Applejack just stared.

“Right, stupid question.” The blue mare turned to her friend, the booze having drained her usual bravado. “Promise me this doesn't leave this table.”

“Ah promise.”

“I've never actually so much as touched a cock before.” she admitted, hanging her head in shame.

Applejack was at a loss for words. Her inebriated mind quickly processed Rainbow Dash's statement to come to the only logical conclusion. The poor girl must be really hard up if she's using farming to change the subject! The farm-pony couldn't help but smirk slightly. Might as well humor her for a bit.

“Well.” the country mare began, “There's always a cock or two around Sweet Apple Acres, if ya really wan' a closer look at one.”

“Wait, really?!”

“Sure as sugar! Heck, Ah'd say we got the biggest cock in town at the farm!” Applejack proclaimed proudly.

Rainbow was keenly interested now, leaning towards her friend. “Whose is it?”

“Why, mah brothers', o' course!” she stated matter-of-factly. “Ah reckon Mac's got about the biggest cock you ever did see! He's been growin' it since he was a colt, ya know.”

Rainbow couldn't help but giggle. “Makes sense to me! Wait... you've seen it? Up close?”

Applejack thought for a moment as Rainbow Dash took a drink from her mug. “Of course! Ah've been watching mah brothers' cock grow for as long as ah can remember!”

Rainbow immediately began coughing and sputtering, eyes wide with shock. “Wha- HCK WHAT?”

“Sure! Used to measure it an' everything! It's kinda tradition, ya know?”

Rainbow couldn't help but start... visualizing. Her lips turned up into a slight smile and her wings gave an involuntary twitch. “So you and your brother have been doing this since you were kids?!”

“Right!” Applejack smiled as her friend finally caught on. Not like her to be so interested in the farm, but it seems to be cheering her up! “An' sometimes, when it didn't seem to be growin' fast enough, Ah'd give it a little treat. Y'know, encouragement. Mac even let me take care of it for him if he was too busy, once Ah was old enough.”

“Wow...” Rainbow shook her head, trying to force the images out until she could... process... them later.

“'Course, it hasn't all been fun and games. A while ago, Mac's cock stopped gettin' up in the mornin'.”

“You're kidding!” Big Mac had that problem?

“Poor guy wuz real ashamed, too. It's a pride thing, y'know. Lucky fer him Zecora whipped up a brew that took care of the problem, lickitey-split! Now his cock gets up every single mornin', rain or shine! Then Ah get my wake-up call.”

“This doesn't seem strange to either of you?!”

It was Applejack's turn to be surprised. “What's so strange about a sister takin' care a' her big brothers' cock when he's too busy? Seems the decent thing ta do, if ya ask me. Er... Rainbow? You still with me?”

Dash was staring at Applejack with a glassy, vacant expression. The red in her cheeks, however, and the noticeable unfurling of her wings told a different story.

Applejack grinned. She must've seen a nice set of flanks pass by while I was busy gabbing. “Anyways, Dash, point is, you're always welcome to come have a look at Big Mac's cock. Ah'm sure he wouldn't mind. Maybe you an' Ah could take care of it together one of these days.”

“Uh...” Rainbow licked her lips as she slowly regained her senses. Admittedly, she may have imagined a scenario matching that description before, late in the night, once or twice. Five times at most. Now here was Applejack all but proposing the idea to her. Are my wings EVER going to go down?

“S-sounds good, A.J..” She prepared to take another swig, hoping to shelve that particular line of thought for the moment. “So, you'd consider yourself quite the authority on cocks, would ya?”

Applejack looked slightly crestfallen. “Tah be honest, Dash, Ah learned a lot more about 'em after Twilight moved to town.”

This time, Dash emptied the contents of her mouth in a comically over the top manner, spritzing the majority of the table. She sheepishly looked over at the bartender, and shrank slightly under Berry Punch's practiced glare. “Heh heh. Sorry about that.” Rainbow caught the rag thrown to her by the sud-slinging mare and began to wipe the table as Applejack fought to compose herself.

“So, what did Twilight teach you about cocks? I'm surprised she would know anything about that kinda thing!”

Applejack chuckled as her companion swabbed the tabletop. “Should be obvious. She lent be a big ol' book all about 'em! Real fascinatin' stuff. Good book for when ya got some time to yerself.”

“You don't say.”

“Eeyup! Liked to take the book to bed with me when Ah was feelin' restless.”

“I bet it's got lots of pictures, too!” Dash added with a snort.

The orange pony put on an annoyed face. “Ah can read, ya know! Dunno where everypony gets the idea that ah can't.”

Rainbow lightly punched her buddy in the shoulder. “I know, I know. It's numbers that make you pull your mane out.”

Applejack grinned. “Can't argue with ya there, sugarcube. 'Specially when Ah'm talkin' to the second worst student in Equestria!”

“Yeah. Thank Celestia for athletic scholorships!” She cried, raising a foreleg.

Completing the high-hoof, Applejack continued, “So yeah, if yer still curious about cocks, I could ask Twilight ta dig out that book for ya.”

“Thanks.” Dash readied her mug once again. She was growing more enthusiastic by the minute. Between Twilight's book and a trip to visit Big Mac, it seemed like her cock problem would soon be a thing of the past.

“And, you could always ask Fluttershy about her cock.”

-*-

Rainbow Dash was frozen. She heard her mug hit the floor of the bar, but is seemed a million miles away. Her pupils had shrunk to pin-prick size and her mouth hung agape. One thought continuously cycled through her mind: Fluttershy? Has a cock? FLUTTERSHY? No, it can't be. That's silly. I'm her oldest friend. I'd know if she had a cock. Fluttershy...

“DASH! Snap out of it!” Applejack was frantically waving a hoof in front of her friends face. “An' put yer wings away!”

“Fluttershy... has a cock...”

Applejack wasn't sure what to make of her friends rambling. Of course Fluttershy has one! What good's a hen house without a cock nearby? “Ah think you've had enough for tonight, Dashie.”

“Yeah...,” Dash finally said, snapping out of her stupor. “If Fluttershy has a cock, how come I've never seen it?!”

“She keeps it tucked away.” Applejack stated simply. “Parading it around might upset some o' her critters.”

Rainbow Dash was staring into Applejack's eyes intensely “And you've actually seen it?”

“'Seen it'? Hay, She's asked me to take care of it like Mac's a couple a' times! Not as well behaved as his, though, messy little pecker. Fluttershy's cock can be even more of a hoof-ful than her bunny if ya kno- Dash? Dash, whatcha doin' down there? Geez, no more for you tonight, ya lightweight! Yer drooling all over tha floor! C'mon, up ya go, that's it... Ya got a wing cramp, or somethin'?”

-END-

Thus ends my first ever fanfic style thing. Just a silly idea that got stuck in my head. Three hours of typing and this happened. Constructive criticism is appreciated.

Con Mane will return in “Live And Let Shy”