Glimmer's Diary

10/3/13

I had that nightmare again.

The same one of Lily and Turbulance having sex in front of me, mocking me like I wasn't there.

I know they don't feel that way. That's not the way things are. And I'm really glad that Princess Luna stays out of adults' nightmares and only helps foals or younger ponies with their bad dreams. It would be hard to explain mine to the princess of the night.

Regardless, I'm trying to be happy for my only friend here, even though she's with the stallion I fantasized about. Not just in a sexual way, either.

I used to struggle with feeling guilty, euring for him, craving his touch, hearing his laugh.

But my fantasies are nothing. Not really. Not when compared to what Lily and him have.

Two love birds separated when they were just beginning life outside of school, reunited, and very happy together.

That's how 'C' and I were... But we were never separated...When I was a stallion.

Seeing them together and the way they talked, and reacted to one another, I could tell those two were meant for one another. Who was I to try and separate them? All I was to Turbulance was a one-night stand. A slut who used him for a thrill.

If either of them knew the truth, I'd lose them both. I might even cause them to separate. I would rather live my entire life as a mare, cleaning up vomit and used condoms than do that to my only friend.

So silent I'll remain. I'll even put on a smile when Lily goes on and on about how dreamy Turbulance is, how amazing he is in the Womderbolt shows, and how kind, caring, and considerate he is. How much of a good he can be. How sweet he treats her.

How wonderful their lives are now that they are together.

10/6/13

'C' missed my doctor's appointment again.

It was for a good reason, though. A group of guards and an ambassador to Yakyakastan went missing. She had to act with the captain and a group of guards, investigating before rumors started and a war broke out. Don't know if the yaks would do that. They may be sloppy, loud, and destructive, but I don't think they would risk war with Equestria.

The doctor's visit went fine. No abnormalities. No idea yet if it's a colt or a filly. Looks like a misshapen jelly bean.

Honestly, I don't care anymore. Might just put the thing up for adoption as soon as I can.

10/9/13

'C' and the guards returned, and they found the group and ambassador.

Apparently, there was some giant snow monster that had them trapped. The guards not only saved the captured ponies but a few captured yaks as well. 'C' thinks that will help sway the Yaks to sign an agreement.

I put on a smile, glad that some of the stress was off her. But inside I felt numb. If she could tell, she didn't show it.

After she put the protection spell on my womb, she and I relaxed in the royal bedroom for a little while, catching up on things. She ordered smoothies, saying all the fruits would be good for the developing foal. I didn't have much to share on my end. I told her about Lily and Turbulance (not about his and my relationship or my feelings for him), about how the headmaid is having me clean up after all of Ritz's parties, but also keep the guy off my back. 'C' offered to talk to Aqua, but I told her not to worry about it.

I did express my concerns for the condition of the guards, walking up drunk and in the arms of the, er, 'escorts'. 'C' seemed bothered by this and assured me she would bring these parties to a limited time. Maybe once a week.

10/20/13

'C' made good on her word. The parties went down to just one or two a week, rather than three or four. But I still ended up cleaning up after it. If there had been 'adult entertainment' they were long done before I started my cleanup. The guards made sure to be scarce as well, which was nice. But I think they've been having more action than even my wife and I used to have when I was a stallion.

Let's just say I had to be sure to use thick gloves and a brick to scrape out some of the 'stains' on the floor and walls.

A part of me wants to sneak into one of these parties sometime and see what it's all about. The only reason I haven't yet is because I know Ritz will probably make a move on me the moment I step into the room where the lights are dim and the music is loud. I don't know if the secrecy spell will stop me from breaking his jaw if he makes a move and I won't let myself be his plaything for the evening.

11/8/13

Another doctor's visit. Another time 'C' couldn't make it.

I know she's trying to deal with the Yak problem and wrap it up, It's a sensitive situation, but I kind of wished I had somepony to go with me.

I'd ask Lily, but I'm hesitant to let her know about my... Situation.

There's no way she'd piece it together that I slept with Turbulance, but still. A part of me worries she'd figure it out somehow, as irrational as it may be.

11/12/13

Today was a midslide of emotions.

First of all, Liky told me she was leaving. Like, quitting the Crystal Castle staff, and going and working in a small cafe in Cnaterlot to be closer to Turbulence. Not that I could blame her. I smiled and wished her the best, but on the inside, I felt like I was dying a bit. Not only am I losing the only friend I've made since becoming a mare, but she's going off to live happily ever after with the stallion of my dreams.

Although the frequency of Ritz's parties has gone down to once a week, and that means less vomit and other bodily fluids I have to clean up, it also means Ritz has had more time and energy to harass me. For some reason, he's moved on from bothering Lily to bothering me. Most of the time, I feel the spell holding me back when all he does is make crude comments about my plot, or ask me questions like my measurement because he has an outfit he thinks I would look great in. But one time he got handsy and smacked my plot loud enough for it to echo off the walls. Instinct kicked in and before I could stop it, my hand shot through the air and made contact with his face so hard it knocked him off his hooves and right onto his plot. The other maids around stopped what they were doing and looked to see what was going on. Ritz just laid there, a red welt burning across his face the exact shape of my hand. I swore I thought he was crying as he got up and promptly left.

The other maids congratulated me and started telling me about when he would harass them. Glad I wasn't the only one, but I need to talk to 'C' about him. He can't just go around doing that to mares.

11/13/13

Aqua had to give me a firm talking to about using excessive force except when necessary. She knew the whole story from the staff and deemed it necessary that I put Ritz in his place. But she still had to have a 'firm talk' with me so the other maids don't think it's ok to knock some sense into guards.

After that, some of the other maids started to act friendlier towards me. I got to know a few of them and we began gossiping about juicy things we heard around the castle.

From the grapevine, apparently, Princess Cadance hooked Ritz up with some mare, which is why the parties are dying down. Although she's the princess of love and such things are kinda in her power to help bring ponies together, it's hard to imagine a slimeball like Ritz being anything but a mareanizer. It still didn't stop him from harassing the maids, or me.

But he's kept his distance since I left that welt on his cheek.

11/21/13

Things continue to surprise me. Not only have the parties died down to just once every two weeks but from what I saw from a window I was cleaning, Ritz was reorganizing the guards back to their former glory. Having them match in perfect formation up and down the field, having them perform basic drills for hours until it was just right.

I hate to admit it, but whoever this mare is Cadance hooked Ritz up with, she sure has whipped him into shape.

All of this has taken my mind off of... Well, I guess I have to acknowledge the fact that my best friend is not only quitting her job and moving away but she's also getting married.

To Turbulence.

In two months.

And I'm asked to be the maid of honor.

11/26/13

There is so much to this maid of honor stuff, I had no idea. I have to organize the maids, plan the bridal shower, and a bachelorette party, get all the bridesmaids down for their fittings, help organize the catering, decorations, the cake, ugh! That's only a few of the large things!

I'm glad that the issue with Yakyakastand has been settled, and Cadance could help steer me in the right direction of a mare who can help. This is all waaay over my head.

12/4/13

I'm really getting annoyed with Ritz. He laid off me for a while but is slowly crawling back around to hairdressing me at his usual rate. Inappropriate comments, questions, and getting waaay too close to me for comfort. Aqua has been too distracted to help keep him off me as well. I knew she was looking for someone to fill Lily's position, but apparently she had created several new positions for maids as well and had been doing interviews for the last week. I guess the other maids are cutting back their hours at the castle to pursue other things. Although we've gotten closer, they still won't tell me what they're all up to. If they all had the same days off, I'd think they were part of some secret club, but it's all different shifts. Either way, I'm way too busy with the wedding stuff to try and figure them out.

I still am struggling to suppress my feelings about Turbulance marrying Lily. I want them to be happy, but at the same time, I want him all for myself, which is nuts! I have to keep telling myself that my real name isn't Glimmer, it's... Something else. I'm somepony else. And that somepony else happens to be married to the greatest mare in the world.

Ugh!!! I wish I could be two separate people!

One be the old me and one stay Glimmer!

This is all too confusing! A mare's feelings are confusing!

Maybe this is part of the pregnancy hormones. I have had odd cravings, which 'C' said was normal.

I can't wait till all this is over.

12/9/13

My wife didn't show up to my appointment, again.

At this point, I'm not surprised.

She's swamped with work, but with things cooling off with the Yaks, she should be able to be there. And today I wish she was.

The doctor asked if I had been casting protection spells on myself to keep the foal safe. I was hesitant to answer, but I told her I was worried for its safety. Following up with it was my first foal. She understood my concern, but sometimes an overuse of a protection spell could be harmful. And at this stage of the pregnancy, the foal was as safe as safe can be. She could even tell me the gender of the foal if I wanted.

I was scared and declined.

I need to talk to 'C' about this right away.

12/16/13

Finally spoke with 'C' and she agreed with the doctor that we should stop using the protection spell. She didn't seem sorry at all that she didn't make this appointment, either. Especially after she promised she'd make it.

I don't want to believe my anger is misplaced because of my hormones. I feel betrayed, enraged, abandoned, and most of all, alone.

I realized at my appointment today that this Hearthswarming I would be all alone. I was so wrapped up in the wedding stuff, the drama in the castle, and my mixed-up feelings that I didn't notice all the white stuff falling from the sky or the temperature dropping.

My sister, parents, and even 'C' will be spending Hearthswarming with family. 'C's aunts felt bad for her that she would be spending Hearthswarming without her husband and invited her to spend it with them. She wanted to decline, but I insisted she go. Partly because if she wasn't going to be there for me at my appointments, then why bother being there for Hearthswarming? But another reason was that, despite how angry I was at her at the moment, I still loved her and wanted her to have fun during the holiday season.

I'm so conflicted!

I'm angry at her because this whole bucking thing was HER idea! SHE should have done her research before using some old spell! SHE still gets to live in the cushy bed, while I'm on a mattress that was probably older than I was! SHE still gets to see her friends and family, while all I can do is send letters to them about some false mission!

I can't wait till all this is over!

I want this thing out of me and to go back to my normal life and pretend all of this was just a bad nightmare!

12/25/13

Well, diary, happy Hearthswarming...

The castle is empty for the most part.

I'm all alone. All the other maids have gone home for the holidays. Well, all except Aqua. She's up in her office, working on paperwork.

Although all the responsibilities have fallen on me, I have the next three days to do them all at my own pace. Might as well. Got nothing else to do. Sure, my family sent me gifts, and I'm sure I'll open them and send back letters of appreciation, but right now, I just want to focus on my work.

Ever since the last doctor's appointment, my stomach has begun to show a little bulge. Luckily, it's hidden well by the maids' outfit, but when I go undress, I'm sure somepony will notice. That, and my boobs have swollen another two sizes.

Great. Bra shopping, alone. Happy Hearthswarming.