A Bad Mamba Jamba on the Prowl for Bad Mamacitas

by Burt

Rating: mature
Tags: Queen Chrysalis, Sex, Profanity, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Anon
Length: 1188

Anon, local hero and epic stud, has a need - a need for some affection of the illicit variety. Preferably from someone female, and EVIL.

Will our favorite lovably green Casanova find himself someone to call his own? To fawn over and love till death do they part? Maybe find a hand - or hoof - to squeeze? Will he get his perfectly average sized penis sucked by an evil bad bitch with a pair of voluptuous lips?

Mayhaps, perhaps.

Published 2023-07-04 19:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-07-04 19:00:01 UTC

Inside or Outside, This Woman Just Can’t Get Enough of Me

Author's Note

FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP LET FREEDOM RING LET FREEDOM RING LET FREEDOM RING LET FREEDOM RING FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP

Happy 4th of July ❗️❗️❗️🇺🇸 🇺🇸 🇺🇸 RAAAAHHHH! OOOOOHHHH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEEEEE BY THE DAWN’S EARY LIGHT 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

And also happy birthday to me because I happened to be born today. I’m officially a couple hours old!

Inside or Outside, This Woman Just Can’t Get Enough of Me

Anon sighs, inserting the last of over a dozen keys individually slotted into the different locks he had on his mansion’s front door. A security precaution, because the mares of Ponyville wanted to suck him dry. Not of his money either, but because he was a gosh darn hero who had saved the world six and a half times over with his secret heroic power, .45 ACP hollow point, and now it seemed like everyone wanted to get inside his pants.

It was a shame that they weren’t evil. He had no attraction for normals.

Who knew that if you had godly strength and decided throw a bullet at somebody it would make them fucking explode and make everyone love you. Anyways, Anon had just finished opening his door-

Queen Chrysalis was ‘polishing the clam’ on his couch. “Oooh, Anon you’ve finally come.~” She giggles.

“…how the fuck did you get in here.”

“You left your window open.”

Anon looks to his right, which reveals that it was in fact open. “Shit.” He hisses.

“But never mind that!” Chrysalis moans. “Won’t you come over here and make me a mother?”

“You’re not my type. Sorry.”

“Yes I am!” She whines. “You’re sign says so!” She points to Anon’s finely decorated wall which mostly contained various pictures of Celestia in proactive poses—which she painted herself—but next to all of that, and a ‘Live, laugh, laugh’ sign, there was a board with fine calligraphy etched into it. It read:

Attention to anyone who might’ve broken and entered into my private domicile.

A:) I have a gun if you’re here to kill me.

B:) If you are looking to have sexy times with me, you need to—

One: be evil as fuck.

Two: be hot as fuck.

Thee: be ready to smack me around in ways that might not look good on a court report.

Four: be female. (optional)

“Yeah, so?”

“I fit that description!”

“Nuh uh.”

“The buck you mean ‘nuh uh?” Chrysalis throws her hoof up exasperated, throwing mysterious fluids across the room. Sadly, it splattered onto one of Celestia’s paintings. But hey it wouldn’t have been the first time that’s happened.

“Look Queen Chrysalis - if that is your real name.” Anon crosses his arms. “You’re not my kinda evil, you’re ‘tried to overthrow a kingdom and enslave the populace’ evil but I’m looking for a ‘will send men to the milk factory’ kind of evil.”

“…what does that mean?”

“Okay, so there’s this little button that rests just beyond the perine-“

“I’ve changed my mind please to not indulge me.”

“Ok.”

“Thank you.” Chrysalis’ horn lights up and a wisp that looks vaguely like ‘🙏🏿’ ebbs out of existence after appearing briefly.

“Was that an emoji?”

“No? I was just thanking you.”

Anon throws a thumb behind him. “Okay, well I’m not Interested. So I’m just gonna get outta here.” Anon spins on his heel-

A shrill shriek fills the house. “WAIT, WAIT! PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME PLEASE I JUST NEED YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH ME, PLEASE OH PLEASE JUST HAVE SEX WITH ME!” She sobs, mascara pouring down her face and creating a massive puddle.

“Well when you say it like that.”

In the blink of an eye they’ve had hot, erotic, sweaty human on changeling relations. Which has to be censored because I ain’t writing all of that.

“That was amazing Anon.”

“4/10.”

“W-what?”

“Actually 5/10.” Anon caresses his chin. “5.5/10, actually. That tongue is pretty cool I guess.”

“What… what did I do wrong?”

“Not enough milking.”

“Will you stop talking about milking?!”

“Fine fine, just wanted to get two references in there. But threes a pattern, and I don’t want anyone to think it’s like a personal fetish or anything.”

“Oh Anon.” The changeling queen sighs happily, cuddling up closer to him from their position on the floor. “How could I ever stay mad at you?”

“And this is why you’re a bad villain. You’re forgiving and you didn’t once try to call me names. Like, how am I suppose to get off if you’re not even actually willing to beat me up?”

“There’s something seriously wrong with you.” She squeezes him harder. “It’s such an endearing trait.”

“Y’know what? I think we can make this work.”

“Really?!”

“Yes. You just need to start kicking more puppies, and punching old ladies.”

“I can do that!”

“Also… you need to start doing butt stuff with me.”

“I’ve.. I’ve never put anything in there…” She gulps. “But if it’s for you… my behind shall become an incubator for whatever you wish!”

Anon snorts. “Who said anything about your behind?”

“…Anon?”

“Changeling’s lay eggs don’t they?”

“No?”

“Well that’s gay.” He snorts.

“I-I don’t understand Anon…” The Queen swoons. “But that’s what makes you so mysterious!”

“And one final thing, I’ll need to add one more rule for this relationship to fully work. It needs to stay open, but for me only.”

“…So like a herd?”

“Yeah but only I get to see other people.”

“There are herds that contain only one stallion and a multitude of mares.”

“Okay… well… that’s cool I guess.” Anon actually gives her a small hug. “Do you have any hot evil mare friends?”

“…No?”

“Well go FIND SOME! GOD DAMN IT! This is why our relationship is in SHAMBLES! How are we going love each other forever and ever if we don’t COMMUNICATE?!”

“I’ll try harder, Anon. I promise.”

“Damn it… this is where you were suppose to give me the cold shoulder and make me second guess myself. You’re not evil enough damn it, you’re affirmative and none confrontational!” Anon grumbles. “We have so much work to do. You can start by sucking me off with teeth.”

Chrysalis gulps. “Wouldn’t that… hurt?”

Anon sighs. “And also be evil, which is why you should do it.” He puts his hands behind his head, resting on them. “I’m pretty much invincible, go on babe.”

“I-I don’t know Anon… this seems a little… much.”

“Don’t kink shame me.”

“I’m not!”

“Agh. If you’re not gonna do that how about we go on evil-villainess’-looking-for-love.com and find another mare to spice up our boring love life?”

“Are you saying… you could’ve chosen any other villain… and you chose me first?!” Chrysalis suddenly presses a kiss to his cheek. “You’re so sweet!”

Anon sighs.

Hopefully someone evil would eventually come and do evil things to him. It’s the only reason he even bothers putting himself in harms way in the first place…

That is to say that he needed to find someone who’d actually milk him.