Starlight Glimmer is an…interesting unicorn, to say the least. In magic prowess, she’s peerless to nearly all but alicorns and the cream-of-the-crop unicorns.
But going by this monstrosity “Starie” whipped up for dinner, she must have poured so many of her life skill points into her magic that she could spare zilch points for her cooking ability.
Geez, where to even start with this “dinner” on my plate, which ‘da chef of the hour called “Glimmer Surprise”? The thin, wiggly, dark-green, seaweed-ish leaves were probably lettuce or at least a type of greens. As if another reason to dislike beans was needed, these white ones mixed in with the lettuce(?), all dotted blue to resemble mini-eyes staring back, served up a fresh one. Pretty sure those short, blue, squishy, tentacle-like tubes spread over the “peeking” beans and lettuce weren’t actually tentacles, but it might actually be better to keep viewing them as tentacles.
And to top it off, the smell! As Super Mario would say, Mamma Mia! Everything was coated in some clear, stomach-murdering sauce that Equestria should be ashamed of for allowing to exist! Man, and I thought some cookies that Twilight once baked were the hero of “P-U”! At least those cookies were visually appealing, though one bite forced me, Starlight, and even Twilight to spend some quality time with a toilet.
But on a more amusing note, judging from the faces and actions of Twilight, Spike, and even Sunset, they weren’t in a hurry to chow down their share of Glimmer Surprise either. Spike was poking one of those tentacles, and Twi and Sunset were both smiling–the “how can I get out of here politely?” type of smile.
“Well?” Starlight asked. Her face…oh boy. If her big, cute grin and glimmering eyes – pun intended – didn't scream pride for her Glimmer Surprise, my name isn’t Eric “Buggie” Reed.
“It’s…uh…a surprise,” Twilight answered, somehow maintaining her smile.
“That’s one way to put it.” Spike stopped his poking of tentacles and joined Twi and Sunset on nervous smile duty.
Starlight turned to me, still wearing her grin, and asked, “What do you think of my Glimmer Surprise, Buggie?”
“I think Sweetie Belle’s been dethro–uh, that is…sorry, what was the question again?” With the way she was staring at me with her grin and big blue eyes, I couldn’t finish that joke about Sweetie losing her title of worst unicorn chef. Compared to this Glimmer Surprise, that filly’s “specialty” of burnt juice looked like my mom’s lasagna–the best thing ever.
“I asked you, ‘What do you think of my Glimmer Surprise?’”
“Yeah, that. I…got nothing.” I gazed toward a banner of Princess Celestia hanging high on the dining room’s wall; had a hunch her troll side would get a giggle out of this. It wasn’t like I could ask her for advice on how to get out of this jam, so I turned my head back to my plate. Either my eyes needed an examination, or a tentacle twitched. “Uh, yep, still nothing. Why don’t you give her an answer, Sunset, while I keep thinking of one of my own?”
“Oh, uh, I’ve never seen anything like it, not even on the other side of the portal.”
“Uh, okay, but what do you–”
“Hold that thought, Starlight, and stay right there.” Sunset pointed a hoof toward the door. “I gotta go and...check something. Can the rest of you come with me for a second?”
An excuse to buy some time? Sign me up! Sunset hopped off her chair and made a beeline toward the dining room's door. Twilight, Spike, and I trailed Sunset to and through the door and into a hallway, our impromptu temporary safe heaven. Twi closed the door behind us with her magic.
“Okay,” Sunset started, “I didn’t have the heart to say it out there, but that ‘Glimmer Surprise’ looked and smelled awful!”
I said, “Calling that puke-fest ‘awful’ is putting it lightly. It’s a surprise I haven’t already thrown up!”
“No arguments here,” Spike said. “Even dragon stomachs have limits.”
The alicorn of the group sighed and said, “I hate to admit it, but I agree with you all. What Starlight…cooked was the second-grossest thing I’ve ever seen!”
Sunset asked, “Wait, ‘second worst’? What could top that as the grossest?”
“A ‘pie’ Rainbow baked to eat as a way to make up with Pinkie Pie for lying about liking her pies–long story. And its appearance was worse than anything you are probably imagining.”
If I didn’t know better, Sunset’s pupils widened a tad. “Whoa.”
“Yeah, woe is us, so what now?” I looked toward the still-closed dining room door, then turned back to my fellow victims. “Starie looked so proud of herself and wanted to do something nice for us. How can we tell her that Glimmer Surprise she cooked up sucks eggs?”
Twilight stared at me and cocked her head. “Um, ‘sucks eggs’?”
Spike matched Twilight's head-cocking. “I don’t remember seeing any eggs on our plates, or at least no edible eggs.”
“Oh, right, Equestria doesn’t have that expression. Well–”
Sunset interrupted, “Wait, you’ve explained human expressions to them a lot, so let me take this one: if something is really bad, humans may say it ‘sucks eggs’. Although I think it can mean other things too.”
“Maybe I should ask you two to write a list of more human expressions or slang I’m still not familiar with for me to study later. But anyway, as Rainbow learned when she lied to Pinkie and I learned when I lied about Princess Celestia’s acting, lying to protect Starlight’s feelings would be a bad idea.”
“I got you, so we gotta tell her the truth and hope for the best,” I agreed. “Who’s going to take the fall and do it?”
We all stared at one another. Hoped one of them would step up, but I had a hunch they were also hoping someone else would.
“Don’t look at me!” Spike finally yelled. “I don’t want to tell her!”
“Why not?” I asked. “She has the hardest time getting mad at you.”
“But she rarely gets mad at you either, so you do it! She even has a bit of a soft spot for you, and you’re the one that uses a nickname for her.”
“She’s got a soft spot for you too, but fine, here’s a better idea.” I pointed at Twilight. “Twi can tell her.”
“What?! How is that a ‘better’ idea’?!”
“Because it is you telling her instead of me! Besides, you’re her former teacher and head of the castlehold!”
“Then as head of the castlehold and a princess, I declare that I don’t want to tell her, but maybe Sunset could.”
A scowl lit over Sunset’s eyes. “Hey, Princess, don’t try to stick this on me! I hate hurting others’ feelings as much as you do!”
“But think about it, Sunset: it won’t risk hurting as bad if you tell her! Starlight knows you can be blunt, but never do it to be hurtful or mean-spirited.”
“Then I’ll ask bluntly: why should I do your dirty work? I don’t even live in Equestria anymore, let alone your castle!”
Twilight huffed. “Well, I don’t live on the other side of the portal, but it never stopped me from dropping everything and running over to–”
I raised my hand and said, “Okay, guys, we’re getting nowhere fast. If we don’t knock it off and figure out something, Star-chef is going to start thinking something’s wrong.”
“You’re right, Eric. Let’s find a way to settle this.” Sunset rolled her eyes up in thought, in classic pony fashion. “Uh…I would suggest we play ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ to decide who tells her, but Twilight and I can only pick ‘rock’ with hooves.”
I asked, “Maybe you and Twi could use some kind of smoke spell to pick scissors or paper?”
“Maybe, but I don’t know of any spells that can do it off the top of my head. It might take me too long to find a book–”
Wait, what was Twilight doing tip-hoofing away?! I dashed over and grabbed her tail to stop that alicorn in her tracks. “Hey! Going somewhere, Princess of Cowardice?”
She swung her head to me. Normally the adorkable grin that curled onto her face would be endearing. “Oh, hehe, me? I was, uh–”
“No, you’re not! There’s no way you’re running out on Spike, Sunset, and–wait, where’s Spike?”
Spike was gone. I let Twilight’s tail go and checked the nearest rooms, but saw no sign of a certain purple dragon. Not that this was the time to ponder it, but it was kind of a wonder why Twi never thought of a use for some of the castle’s empty rooms by now.
“Wonderful. He must have fled when I was focused on you–”
*Poof!*
Crud, not the teleportation pop. I spun back toward Twilight, but as expected, she was AWOL. I’ll give her this much: she’s gotten a lot better at remembering she can teleport to get herself out of jams.
“Ooh, wait till I get those two for this! On the bright side, you didn’t bail on me, Sun–”
This was embarrassing. It only now became clear to my eyes that the spot Sunset was standing had become one minus gold unicorn. Yep, Sunset made the “next targets for payback” list.’
The dining room's door opened in light-blue magic, cooling my swelling fury–for now. A second later, the lethal chef stepped through them. “What’s taking so–wait.” She peeked toward both ends of the hallway. “Where did Twilight, Spike, and Sunset go?”
“They came down with a nasty case of…something.”
“Really? They didn’t seem sick before.”
“You might be surprised by how sick in the stomach they felt.”
“Oh.” She pointed a hoof toward the dining room and added, “Well, my Glimmer Surprise is still waiting. Aren’t you finally gonna give it a taste?”
I sucked in a big breath. It was the moment of truth, in more ways than one. Had to remind myself I was wearing a white shirt, not a yellow cowardly one. “Yeah, that. I...don’t want to say it, but that…" My fists clenched. "Okay, that Glimmer Surprise looks and smells beyond gross. But trust me; it kills me to say that to you! All you need is more pra–”
“Hee hee.”
Okay, didn’t see that response coming. It got my fists to unclench, though. “Uh, was that a giggle?”
“Yep!” She patted me on my back while not frowning, but smiling, cheerfully! “To be honest, I wasn’t sure if it was that good anyway. It looked a lot better in my head and I considered throwing it out, but I decided against it. I had a feeling that you at least wouldn’t lie if it really was bad. You remember how it ended the first time you lied to me and our friends soon after we first met?”
“Yes, yes I do, and I’m lucky you understood. You even went on to comfort me when I finally let out my hidden frustrations at the time about being stuck in Equestria and separated from my family.”
“Yeah, and I remember you later told me it was when I started feeling like a big sister for the first time.” A little smirk eeked on her lips. “Though, you could still give my Glimmer Surprise a try.”
The mere thought of that idea twisted my stomach into knots. “Uh…I don’t know.”
“Of course you know! Just give it a tiny bite.” She wrapped a foreleg around me. “Try thinking of it as making up to me for telling me it was bad.”
That would be fair, I guess. “Fine. But you’re paying my hospital bills if it sends me there.”
“Deal.”
We went back into the dining room and headed to the table. I sat in front of my waiting plate of Glimmer Surprise. Figures those beans felt like they were staring at me even harder than before.
Oh boy, the things I put myself through for that mare.
I willed my hand to pick up my spoon and scooped up some beans and a piece of lettuce. Barely noticed that my free hand had covered my nose more or less on instinct. The bean-filled spoon inched closer, closer, and closer to my semi-willing mouth.
‘Dig deep Eric. You can do this. She would do it for you.’
Managed to crack open my mouth and rammed my spoon in before it could close! Yep, it was a bad idea; the pungent flavor killed my mouth, twisted my preemptively rejecting stomach, and the beans and lettuce(?) flew back out my mouth!
But wait. The lingering aroma swirling in my gums…sweetened somehow. Not bad. Tasty in fact! A mix of mild yet savory spice, maybe from that sauce, took the reins and flooded my mouth.
I scooped up some more beans and a bit of lettuce and took a second bite. A smooth, creamy texture from the beans, a rich and surprising crunchiness from the lettuce, and a burst of that mild spice from the sauce, oh yes! “Whoa. If you break past the initial…kick, this is pretty good. Let’s test those…tentacles or whatever they are.” I took a bite of a tentacle–and wow! It was spongy and filled with a combo of salt and sweetness, kinda like sushi, or the ones I had anyway.
The simple bites I took evolved into outright wolfing down that Glimmer Surprise. Yep, my eyes were only playing tricks on me earlier–not a single tentacle budged during my sudden pig-out session.
“Hee hee, I take it you like my Glimmer Surprise after all?” Starlight asked as she leaned her head toward me, wearing her signature smug smirk. If she ever becomes an alicorn, the title “Princess of Smugness” would fit her to a “T.”
“Yep, and I’m not done! Yes…*gulp!*...come to daddy!” A shame half of my plate was already empty, but my stomach kept demanding moar. For food this good, I could take the smell still attacking my nose.
“In that case, eat up then, little bro. There’s plenty more where that came from in the kitchen.”
It was disappointing that the bite I just took was the last; my plate only had streaks of that weird but surprisingly delicious sauce left. “Mmm-mmm, that was…*burp*...amazing! I’m sorry I thought it would be awful. What’s in your Glimmer Surprise anyway?”
“Oh, I threw in some–”
“On second thought, don’t tell me. Let me stay safe in ignorance.”
“Good idea. But since you know it’s good, you can vouch for me when we see Spike, Sunset, and – as you might put it – the Princess of Cowardice again.”
“Heh heh, so you already pieced together the real reason those big sneaks made like drummers and 'beat it'.” A grin curled on my lips. An idea for some delicious payback pitched its plan to my noggin. “Actually, I got an idea to stick it to them for ditching me, but I’ll need your help. You game?”
A long, deep, curly grin rose onto Starlight’s face. “Sounds devious, so I’m game. What are we gonna do to them?”
“How would you feel about ‘modifying’ your Glimmer Surprise, just for them?”
Author's Note
It looks like Twilight, Spike, and Sunset are in for a "surprise."
Lame pun is lame.
Chapter 2: Revenge that is best served cold, or hot
In Princess Twilight’s library…
Princess Twilight and Spike woefully hung their heads while sitting side by side on a purple couch. The alicorn’s ears were drooped, and she was scraping her hoof on her couch, as if pawing away at her guilt. Sunset Shimmer sulked near one of the library’s doors, her own head down from shame.
Sunset exhaled a sorrowful sigh and turned to her moping friends on their couch. “Am I the only one who feels like the worst right now?”
“Nope,” Spike answered. “I do too.”
“So the worst.” Twilight smacked her hoof against her forehead, both as a facehoof and to literally slap herself for her unfortunate moment of weakness. “As the headmare of a school of friendship no less, I am so disappointed in myself. The next time I have to tell a friend something difficult, I will not run from it so shamelessly, let alone leave someone else to do it in my place.”
“I hope Eric’s not too mad at us, but I won’t blame him if he is,” Sunset said. “I’m gonna do something special to make it up to–”
The door near Sunset glowed in turquoise magic. It opened and revealed Starlight and Eric, who stepped through it.
“So, there you are,” Eric said, scowling. He crossed his arms. “Waiting for your chicken costumes to be delivered?”
Sunset stared at Eric with pleading eyes. “I know I was horrible to leave you alone, and I’m so, so sorry! I panicked at the possibility of hurting someone else again, even if it was just their feelings! You know about my…pre-’no offense’ days!”
Spike chimed in with pleading eyes of his own, “I don’t have the kind of excuse or past that Sunset does, but I’m sorry too, big bro! I swear I won’t do it again!”
“No excuse I could conceive of can justify how I left. It might have been even worse than if I had stayed and lied.” Twilight slumped further on her couch while closing her eyes. “Princess Celestia would be so ashamed of me. She might even think I learned nothing and should be sent back to mag–”
“Okay, Twi, I get it,” Eric said with a chuckle, his scowl soothing to his more typical smile. “You and your partners in wussiness are sorry, so don’t imagine yourself in magic kindergarten again.”
“Besides, if Princess Celestia did send you back, who would be the Princess of Friendship or your school’s headmare? Me?” Starlight teasingly asked.
“To be fair, you would be not only a pretty good headmare, but even a good Princess of Friendship if something ever happened to Twi,” Eric said. He sneered at Starlight and added, “It’s also been a while since your last crazy Starlight plan.”
A deep, long groan rolled from Starlight’s mouth. “Must you say it like that? Fine; I sometimes had a bit of trouble thinking things through, but I wasn’t a crazy mare.” She shoved a hoof into Eric’s belly. “Besides, it’s not like you or Twilight never had any ideas that backfired badly.”
“And what about me?” Sunset asked, wearing a sly, playful smile. “I’m over wanting to be a princess for power or authority, but you don’t think I could fill in for Twilight as the Princess of Friendship?”
“Heh heh. Well first, Starie, you got me there.” As Starlight moved her hoof off his belly, Eric looked toward Sunset. “And, Sunset, you’ve long been alicorn-worthy, but how could you handle being the Princess of Friendship or an Equestrian princess period? Youstill live on the other side of the portal, remember?”
“Hee hee, fair enough. Starlight at least lives in Equestria.”
“But we’ve gone way off-topic, so let’s get back to the Princess of Fleeing and her two protégés here. They not only wimped out by leaving me out to dry, but they left behind a very good dinner.”
“Huh?” Twilight asked, puzzlingly tilting her head to the side. “What are you talking about? What dinner?”
“Starie’s Glimmer Surprise. What else?”
“What?!” Spike exclaimed. “Are you talking about that Glimmer Surprise, or something else she gave you after we…left?”
“Yep, I’m talking about ‘that’ Glimmer Surprise. Trust me, I did not see it coming, but it’s actually delicious despite how it looks and smells. I would even Pinkie Promise if I had a cupcake.”
“You would Pinkie Promise?” Twilight asked. She flew off the couch and toward Eric. While continuing to flap her wings, she leaned her head closer to the human’s face and gazed into his brown eyes. “Hmm. You seem fine, but maybe I should find a thermostat and take your temp–”
“No, Momlight, I’m not sick, but you should find some breath mints.” Eric gently pushed Twilight back, though she remained airborne. “Your breath almost stinks as bad as that Glimmer Surprise. But before you do, how about we return to the dining room and you can see what I was talking about?”
Twilight, Spike, and Sunset stared toward one another. They all nodded in unison and faced Eric and Starlight.
“Okay, let’s go try some Glimmer Surprise,” Twilight conceded. A mental image of the dinner flashed into her mind, coaxing her to bite her lip. ‘Oh, Celestia, the things I do for Starlight,’ she thought.
Sitting in chairs at the castle’s dining table, Twilight, Spike, and Sunset surveyed their respective plates still full of Glimmer Surprise. All three grimaced at the noxious odor of the meal and its unsavory sight. Particularly at what appeared to be raw tentacles.
Twilight started, “Uh, are you–”
“Yes, Princess of Skepticism,” Eric preemptively answered as he rolled his eyes, “I’m sure this is good. I’ll prove it.” He grabbed a spoon and scooped up some beans, greens, and a tentacle from his newly re-filled plate. With no hesitation, he promptly devoured them.
Twilight and Sunset covered their mouths, willing their stomachs to behave. With his stronger dragon stomach holding itself in check on its own, Spike merely flinched his head backward.
“See?” Eric smacked his lips. “This stuff is a lot better than it looks or smells. You will be in for a surprise.”
Twilight, Spike, and Sunset all traded apprehensive glances, then each re-focused their gaze to their plates and took a bracing breath. The mares’ horns glowed as a spoon by them floated in magic and scooped up a piece of greens; Spike scooped up a tentacle with his spoon. The trio, slowly, pushed their spoons near, and finally into, their mouths. After a second, smiles lit on their faces.
“Wow!” Twilight cheerfully exclaimed. “This is de–”
Fire roared in Twilight’s and Sunset’s pupils. An ice cube froze in Spike’s pupils. All three dropped their spoons on the spot.
“HOT!!” Twilight and Sunset screeched.
“COLD!!” Spike jumped off his chair and ran in frantic circles.
At the sudden scene of panic, Eric and Starlight exploded in laughter.
Twilight’s and Sunset’s eyes scanned the table for something, anything, for their mouths’ savior. Their eyes locked on a couple of bottles of milk that were luckily waiting on the table, yanked a bottle to them with their magic, and gulped down the precious, spice-cooling liquid. However, their eyes dilated even further. They screamed and dropped their bottles onto the table, inadvertently spilling their milk onto the table.
“How could milk make it worse?!” the alicorn shrieked.
“I don’t know, but make it stop! I can’t take it!” Sunset waved a hoof over her mouth and panted, her tongue sticking out in desperate refuge.
“How’s that for a surprise, you cowards?!” Eric asked as his revenge-filled laughter went on. With his hunger for, albeit benign, vengeance satiated and feeling pity for the suffering trio, his laughing calmed and he turned to Starlight. “Okay, Starie, they suffered enough. Cancel those spells you cast and save their mouths.”
Starlight’s own laughing calmed. Her horn glowed and released a flash of turquoise light. Twilight, Sunset, and Spike relaxed, smiled, and blew a huge sigh of relief.
“Much better,” Spike said. “If ponies feel that kind of pain when they eat spicy foods, it’s no wonder they scream and want a bottle of milk so badly.”
“I might have burst into flames if I had to endure that much longer.” Sunset wiped her forehead of newly formed sweat. “Still, we deserved that for being the worst.”
“I agree,” Eric said, wearing a smirk. ”So, ex-cowards #1, #2, and #3, what have we learned today?”
With fond memories of how she used to write letters to Princess Celestia when she or her friends learned a friendship lesson filling her thoughts, Twilight giggled. “We learned to never run from telling someone what we really think or trick someone else into doing it in our places.”
“Well, yeah, but I was talking about a more important lesson: anyone who ditches me the way you three did will get a helping of revenge that is best served cold, or hot.”
“Hehe, that’s fair, but I’ll give up my wings first before I repeat my mistake and act like the worst big sister again,” Twilight said with a smile. Her smile weaned to a more puzzled frown. “Now, I’m pretty sure I understood what you meant, but is ‘revenge that is best served cold, or hot’ another human expression you never told me about?”
“It is, though the ‘or hot’ bit isn’t actually part of the expression. I used it more as a pun, but there’s a bit more to what the expression truly means.“
“It is? Okay, that’s it. I am going to have you tell me all known human expressions for me to study later.” An enraptured grin curled on Twilight’s face. “I hope you don’t have anything to do, Buggie, because this could be reminiscent of when I asked you a few questions about your world soon after I found you in Equestria. I’ll be right back with some lists, a quill, and some sandwiches for us! Hehe!”
Twilight flew out of the library, giggling gleefully to herself with her thirst for knowledge nature activated. Waves of nostalgia of when she and Eric first started bonding pulsed through her body.
“Uh-oh.” Eric facepalmed. “I know that look. Whenever she got it and it was about me and my old world, it was a while before she finally had enough or got tired.”
“Yep,” Spike said. “You did it now.”
“Well, I better brace myself.” Eric turned to Sunset. “Sorry, Sunset, but it doesn’t look like we're going to play games at Ponyville Arcade after dinner like we were thinking of doing. The Princess of Curiosity won’t be satisfied until I spill all human expressions to her.”
Author's Note
Hopefully Eric isn't too full, because Twilight is set to "serve" him a banquet of questions about human expressions.
I'll see myself out.
