If You Can't Take the Heat
Author's Note
Please don't take this story seriously, I wrote it in like an hour while running on no sleep.
If You Can't Take the Heat
You sit in your basement on an old, torn-up sofa. You leisurely flip through a book while cradling the baseball bat currently resting on your lap. You briefly glance up at the door to the basement. It's closed, locked, and sealed with no less than fifty-seven chains, held closed by a massive steel padlock. You sigh and look to the nearby clock.
It's 1:00 A.M., meaning you've been down here for about an hour. You sigh again. Tonight is the night, after all. The worst night of the year.
At right around midnight, it became that time of year when the mares of Equestria go into heat. For most, this isn't all that big of a deal. At best, it's a mild inconvenience that will cause a bit of discomfort for a couple of weeks until the season ends. At worst, there are several methods of quelling the urges that come with the season, such as medicines, healthy habits, or just... letting it happen, so to speak.
Unfortunately for you, none of that applies to alicorns.
For alicorns, heat only lasts about six hours. Why? Because God hates you, that's why.
You've been married to Celestia for about three years now. The two of you were wed not long after she retired from being a princess, and since then you have lived a quiet, peaceful life in Ponyville together. You love this life of yours in this world that you suddenly appeared in one day, and you wouldn't trade it for the world. Having a wife that loves you really helps with that.
Tonight is the obvious exception.
You glance at the clock again. "1:05 A.M." This sucks.
You see, because alicorn heat only lasts six hours, their urges are FAR from a "mild inconvenience." They become unstoppable forces of nature, driven by nothing but pure instinct. Pretty much the only saving grace is that love is a tangible force in Equestria, and if they have someone to love, their instincts will be focused entirely on that individual. This prevents the rest of the male population from being at risk of assault every time an alicorn goes into heat. When alicorns aren't in love, they have, thankfully, created a solution to their problem.
About two liters of NyQuil.
Those two liters of liquid sleep are the only thing currently preventing the ex-ruler of the sun from attempting to destroy your pelvis and potentially more that you can't speak of without increasing the rating of this fic to "M."
This is, of course, also why you've locked yourself in the basement as best you can. As far as you know, she's sound asleep, and probably will be for longer than is healthy. However, as you learned a few years ago, it is better to be safe than sorry. Apart from the locks on the door, your baseball bat, and the potentially dangerous amount of NyQuil in her system, you also secured your bedroom (where she is currently sleeping) with a similar number of locks and chains. Also, she's cuffed to the bed. And the bed is surrounded on all sides by a wall of barbed wire.
Er, she consented to this, you swear.
You glance back at the clock. "1:06 A.M." You need to stop glancing at the clock, dude.
You yawn, then shake your head. You can't afford to be tired tonight. If you fall asleep, there's a good chance you'll never wake up again. In an attempt to calm your nerves, you take a deep breath.
She's asleep. Everything is going to be fine.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
Oh dear.
From a floor above you, you hear a voice. It speaks with such saccharine sweetness it makes your skin crawl.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh sunshiiiiiiiiine~!"
You gulp and become as still as a stone.
"Come oooooouuuuuuuuuttttttt~! I can smell you, you know, hehe~!"
You put the book down as quietly as you can and pick up the baseball bat, clutching it tight against your chest as you try to stop yourself from hyperventilating.
You look up at the reinforced door. The light that is coming from beneath it becomes partially blocked by a shadow. Your eyes go wide as you hold your breath. Suddenly, the door begins to slam.
BANG. BANG. BANG.
"Nooooonnnnnyyyyyyy~. I know you're down theeeeerrrreeeeeee~!"
If that door doesn't hold, you're going to die.
BANG. BANG. BANG.
You let out a relieved sigh. She isn't sane enough to figure out how to get that door open. Plus, those chains are enchanted. There will be NO magical blasts that blow that door off its hinges tonight. You learned that lesson last year.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
You scream in terror as the door remains perfectly intact, but the walls on both sides of it are completely destroyed, providing more than enough space for the pony-shaped predator on the other side to slip through. Her face slowly peers around the corner, her eyes wide and her pupils dilated. The smile on her face is the stuff of nightmares, and you force yourself to your feet with your baseball bat at the ready.
"There you aaaaarrrreeeeeeee~."
"Tia, don't do this! Neither of us want this!"
"Hehehe, you always say that~."
"Tia, I'm warning you!"
She slowly sashays towards you, flaring up her wings as she does so. She's drooling, and if you didn't know any better, you'd think she was going to eat you alive.
Well, that's... probably an apt way to put it, actually.
Without ever taking her eyes off of yours, her horn begins to glow as the baseball bat is effortlessly ripped out of your hands. She magically snaps it in half before dropping it to the ground.
"Now, then. I've got you for the rest of the night, Nonny~."
You glance back up at the clock one final time.
"1:10 A.M."
Welp.
You regret nothing.
You slowly open your eyes for the first time in days. Looking around, you immediately recognize the area around you as a hospital room. For a brief moment, you wonder why you can't move. That is, until you look at yourself and realize that you are in a full-body cast, with the only parts of you that are exposed to the outside air being your eyes and nose.
Sitting in a chair not too far away is an extremely guilty-looking Celestia, who notices that your eyes are open.
"Oh! Good morning, sunshine."
You try to say something back, but all you can manage to do is make a muffled mumbling sound.
"Yes, I am extremely sorry, my sunshine. I just... couldn't help myself."
You glare at her, knowing that even if you wanted to say something, you couldn't.
"If it makes you feel any better, your performance was incredible!"
You roll your eyes. In spite of everything, you love that mare. You really do.
You just wish you weren't so used to getting stuck in this cast every year.
