It was Sunday, the day when we all got free donuts and watched over the empty Pacific Ocean. I worked in an Undisclosed military base positioned on the west coast and it was my job, along with a few others, to watch for naval and aerial threats. I have worked here for 13 years, and I only had to report an aircraft once, and it was a civilian aircraft that was unmanned. It was donut day, so it made lounging around that much more bearable. It was around 7 in the morning, and I was staring at the screen of Camera Nine, a buoy somewhere in the Pacific, maybe like… 50 miles offshore? I didn’t place it there. I also had to watch Cam Eight and Cam Ten, and my colleagues got one through seven and eleven to 20. I had my mind on other things, like what I would buy my daughter and how I would spend time with my wife. I mindlessly dipped a donut in a cup of coffee and bit into it, savoring the flavor. They must’ve gotten it from that donut store, they sell some good shit. While I was pondering whether I should get another donut or another cup of coffee, I noticed something on Cam Nine. Immediately, I sucked my fingers and discarded my donut, zooming in on the object. It was white, small, and moving quite fast. It was not a commercial airliner, that was certain. Without hesitation, I picked up a phone for the Coast Guard to get moving.
“This is station 9, I’ve got an unidentified flying object near buoy nine, heading toward shore, confirm the sighting. Over.” I spoke on the phone.
“Copy, station nine, we will check Cam Nine for any abnormalities. Over.” A brief period of silence ensues, quickly broken by another line from the coast guard. “Confirmed the sighting. It seems to be a small aircraft of some sort, it is too big to be a bird. Over.”
“Copy.” I looked back at the screen and noticed that the small flying object seemed to be glowing softly, like a golden yellow. “I’m noticing lights on board the aircraft. Over.”
“Copy, we are noticing the lights as well. We will move to intercept the aircraft. Thank you for this information. Over and Out.” The line was silent and I placed the phone back into the receiver, looking back at the screen. Now that I look at it closely, it looks like it has… wings? Not like plane wings, but actual living creature wings, and it’s flapping them. What kind of drone uses wings like that?
“Heard you talking man, you got something?” The voice of my colleague made me jump slightly, but I nodded.
“Yeah, it looks like a drone of some sort, but it’s utilizing a flying method that birds use.” I point to the screen and my colleague leaned in and squinted his eyes.
“I don’t know, man, what if it’s just a bird?” He asked skeptically.
“I checked with the Coast Guard, they said that it was too large to be a bird.” I leaned back in my chair.
“Uh-huh. And what if it is just a bird?” My colleague asked again.
“Well, then the Coast Guard tells me that it was a false alarm, and I get back to sky watching.” I sighed. “Hopefully it is an aircraft, that would earn me a raise.”
“I doubt it, they’d probably just pat you on the back and give you a paid vacation for a couple of days.” My colleague stepped away. “If it is an aircraft, just know that I’m proud of you.” He was gone now. He was strange. Sure, he had been working for much longer than me, but he only had to report 3 aircraft, only one of which was hostile. I focus on the screen once more just in time to see the drone stop and hover in place. Strange, that must be part of its technology. On the edge of the screen, a patrol of helicopters, 2 armed and 3 unarmed, approached the drone. It backed away, the lights on board growing brighter. When it did that, the 2 helicopters immediately fired. 15 shots were fired, one hit and the drone began to lose altitude, all while spraying… blood? Wait, was it actually a bird? The receiver to his right buzzed and he picked up the phone.
“Station 9, we had a confirmed lock on the target. It is an unidentified creature with a strange weapon attached to its head. We have successfully dispatched the creature. Thank you for your commitment. Over and Out.”
I stared at the screen, watching the drone, no, the creature fall toward the water at an ever-increasing pace. Soon, it locked eyes with the camera and I felt a surge of heat wash through me. Those eyes… so far away, but so… alive. So… intelligent. Suddenly, the falling creature vanished with a bright flash and when I looked away, I noticed that… I was glowing!?
I look down upon my hands and legs, my blue jeans, and my arms glowing with a bright yellow hue. I tried to scream out in shock, but I was cut off when my whole world was turned upside down, inside out, all around, and then I collapsed on a floor. Not the floor, not the concrete floor of the station, no, this was a wooden floor. I tried to push myself up from my prone position when I suddenly saw blood pooling in front of me. It was not me who was bleeding, so who… was…
I look up and I saw what I assumed was the creature that was shot down. It was a horse… with wings!? It also had a spike on its head, which was spiraled, almost like a unicorn horn… Wait, I read about these! This is an alicorn! Though, it had a hole in its chest that was leaking blood rapidly. It, no, she looked up at me pitifully, her magenta eyes pleading for me to help. I was so lost in what was happening. I was sitting at my desk eating donuts, and now I’m laying in front of an injured creature of ancient mythology! Though, my training didn’t let me idly sit by. With no small amount of hesitation, I removed my shirt and immediately began to staunch the bleeding, to the surprise of the alicorn. It opened its mouth to try and… make noise, but instead, it cried out in pain. It was almost human-sounding, but I ignored it and continued to patch up the bullet wound. I was no expert on horse or alicorn anatomy, but it appeared that nothing major was damaged. This alicorn sure was lucky.
When I backed away and grieved the loss of my favorite white t-shirt, I looked back into the eyes of the alicorn. So big, so beautiful, so… expressive. She looked happy like I was her one true savior, but the tears building below her eyes betrayed her pain. Wait, weren’t alicorns just a myth-
Just shut me up, the alicorn’s horn glowed, and the blood on the floor… vanished, gone, sayonara. Okay… so, magic. Cool. Great. Wonderful. What’s next, is this alicorn going to speak to me?
“Thank you… for helping me.” The alicorn spoke in a soft, injured way, her voice elegant and royal. Oh, another thing I completely skipped out on was her hair/mane/tail/whatever was flowing like there was a breeze. She also wore regalia that demanded others recognize her as royalty. But that didn’t matter. What DID matter was that the alicorn just spoke to me! With words! English! A HORSE JUST-
Seemingly sensing my internal affair, the alicorn tried to stand up, but my body acted accordingly and I lifted a hand to stop her. My mind finally cleared up the clutter and I finally asked the important question.
“What are you?” I asked with no lack of curiosity, fear, and wonder. Keep in mind, I was still thrown for a loop about all of the SHIT THAT JUST-
“I am an alicorn, or more commonly a pony.” The alicorn sat on her haunches, holding a hoof up to her chest, which was covered by a bloody t-shirt. Hey, at least it wasn’t bleeding any more. “I am Princess Celestia, co-ruler of a nation called Equestria.”
“Uh-huh. James. A pleasure to make your acquaintance.” I replied almost robotically before I shook my head. “Wait, princess? Equestria? Wha- but, huh? You’re royalty, and a pony, an alicorn… of a nation that doesn’t exist?”
Celestia nodded her head. “You wouldn’t have known of my country’s existence. It doesn’t exist here after all. It lies in another world, not unlike your own.”
“Yeah. Okay. Bullshit.” I calmly said. “So, what happened was that I tripped and now I’m in a coma, talking to an alicorn that seemingly rules a-”
“I can assure you, this is plenty real.” I was politely cut off from my ~~rant~~excuse by Celestia. “What is not real is your pleasure to see me. Pray tell, am I ugly?” My eyes widened by the sudden question.
“I- but uh- I…” What makes a pony ugly, much less beautiful? I study her frame. Cute face, a beautiful flowing mane, a long neck, long legs, a curvacious body (truthfully speaking), wide hips, and beautiful eyes. In all terms, she is pretty attractive… to a pony. If I were to piece these clues together, it would easily land this Celestia pony a 10/10 on the pony attractiveness scale. “Well, you definitely aren’t ugly, not that I truly understand what makes a pony beautiful anyway.”
“There isn’t one thing in particular that makes a pony appealing to another. Usually, it is the personality that attracts one pony to another. If a pony is out to get another on looks alone, they are selfish.” Celestia nodded to her own statement.
“I see. So you don’t use your good pony looks to snag a… a stallion?” Was that the right term?
“Nay,” Ha. Neigh. “I may be a princess, but I myself am not selfish. If I truly wanted to court another, it would be wise to get to know them first.”
Okay, so pony terminology is easier than I expected. Mare, stallion, filly, colt… ah, it’s all coming back to me. The days on the farm. “So, you’re a virgin?”
Now it was Celestia’s turn to get flustered from the sudden question. Hell, even I don't know why I asked that question. “Well, no- I mean, yes! But! I- uh…” Celestia took a deep breath. “That is a rather personal question, James. It is very rude to ask a mare that.” Figures.
“Well, I’m not a virgin, so I’m just curious. I mean, I did save your life, so the least you can do is answer the less-than-usual questions. The ones that aren’t typically asked. So…” I sat on the wooden floor, crossing my legs. “You a virgin?”
Celestia narrowed her eyes at me before she lay on the floor as well. Now that I think about it, where even are we? This room is rather empty.
“In that case, yes, I have no experience in bed with a stallion. Using my subjects as an outlet would be something that a tyrant would do, and unfortunately… no stallion has had enough courage to be forthcoming with me.” Celestia hung her head. “In my many millennia in that castle, not one stallion confessed true feelings for me.” Okay… so she’s like… very old. I read somewhere that alicorns are immortal, but I guess Celestia is like… living proof of that statement now.
“So, the stallions are afraid to be with you because… why? Are not all ponies your size or something? Is it because you’re a princess?” I asked. Just knowing that she has not had another soul truly love her, asides from any possible family, just sucks to know.
“I am larger than the average pony, double their height to be exact.” Celestia sighed. “The stallions that I wished to pursue always gave me the same reason why they didn’t want to be with me… Because I’m a princess and I’m 'too busy'. Others have come to me, but their reason was fame and riches.” Damn.
“I’m sorry to hear that. Now, asides from all of that, why are you here? You said that your country is… not of this world.”
“My reason for being here is quite a selfish reason…” Celestia smiled but frowned soon after. “I just wanted an escape from being a princess for a few days. Anywhere in my world, I have been, so I came to a new world. This one. My vacation isn’t off to a great start so far.” Celestia chuckled mirthlessly, bringing a hoof to the bloody shirt on her chest.
I winced, knowing that her injury was partially my fault. “I’m… sorry about that. I saw something on the camera and alerted the Coast Guard. I didn’t realize that you were… well, alive until it was too late.”
“You have no reason to apologize. What you did was what you thought was best. You saw a possible threat and acted accordingly.” Celestia returned her hoof to the wooden floor. I just simply nodded.
“Anyway… where are we? This is no place that I know of.” I pulled out my phone. It was dead. Figures.
“I… do not know.” Celestia stood, this time with minimal effort. I made no attempt to stop her. “In my desperation, it seemed that I teleported you and me to a safe location. Where this safe location is… I do not know.” In my mind, I exercised the idea of being brought to a new world.
“Do ponies have electricity?” I asked randomly.
“Electricity? What is that?” Okay, so we aren’t in another world, according to the light on the ceiling and the multiple power plugs everywhere in the room.
“Nothing. Anyway, I think we should get out of… wherever this is.” I stood up and brushed any dust off of my ass. Celestia lit her horn and removed the bloody shirt, much to my horror. I was about to stop her, but I realized that the wound on her chest was gone.
“Alicorns heal much faster than normal ponies. We can still die, but any injury that is not immediately fatal, we can recover from.” Celestia said as she made the bloody shirt burn to ashes with her… magic. Still, that’s crazy. You’ll be missed White T-Shirt #39.
“Huh. That’s pretty cool. So you’re not immortal just…” I trailed off, trying to think of the world.
“Ageless is the word you’re looking for. Though, even that is not true. I may not know the specific age at which alicorns die, but it is far in the future for me still.” I nodded my head as Celestia started toward the door. I quickly noticed that Celestia was around my height, being able to look directly into my eyes while standing. Though, her horn added around an extra foot, so she was still taller.
I opened the door to the room and glanced outside. It seemed that we were in a closet of some kind. A big closet at that. It was the size of a small bedroom. The hallway outside went both left and right but left was the direction toward the front door of the house that they were in. The only problem was that to the right of the front door, there was a light on in a nearby room, where multiple voices could be heard.
“Well, have you found out where we are?” Celestia peaked her head over my shoulder and breathed lightly on my ear, causing me to shiver.
“We’re in somebody’s house,” I whispered. I pointed toward the door at the end of the hallway. “That’s the exit, but we have to walk past a room full of people. What’s worse is that the door to the room is open.”
“And if we’re caught, we’ll have to deal with less-than-happy ponies.” Celestia nodded once.
“It's people, but yes, you’re right.” I stepped into the hallway, cringing when my boots made a loud sound on the wooden floorboards. Celestia wasn’t any better. She had these strange golden shoes on her hoofs that made a loud clink! whenever she stepped on the wooded floor. “This is going to be a problem.”
“I suppose with the noises that our hooves make, walking there will be a problem, yes?” Celestia inquired.
“So astute. Say, you said something about teleportation. Can’t you just teleport us out of here?” I’m asking an alicorn to teleport me away. Oh boy, life is strange.
“I would’ve done that right away if I could’ve, James, but being hit with a supersonic and superheated projectile in the chest takes a lot out of a mare.” Celestia snarked. I scoff.
“Well, sorry. I didn’t even know magic was real until I saved your ass.” I shoot back.
“Such vulgar language. Did your parents not teach you manners?” Wow, for a princess, she was very un-princess-like. Kind of childish.
“Alright, whatever. Now, can you find us a way to get out of here unnoticed?”
“I suppose we can kindly ask the inhabitants of this house to let us out.” Celestia motioned to the open door with a hoof.
“Ha ha, very funny. I suppose next you’ll want to ask them for the Ray Gun? We are intruding in their house, and you are a creature that we thought was a myth. How do you think events will play out if we just walk up to them?” I cross my arms and scoff.
“Well, I suppose that wouldn’t be the best choice…” Celestia suddenly lifted herself off the ground with her magic and removed her golden shoes, revealing her white hooves. “My hooves are quite soft, so it makes walking around silently easier.” She placed herself on the wooden floor again, making it sound like she was wearing socks.
“Huh, and I thought hooves were solid.” I kneel down to remove my boots.
“Don’t get me wrong, they are, but I am… different.” Celestia looked away. “I may or may not have enchanted my hooves to be softer in an attempt to… get affection.”
“Ah, so you wanted to be like a cat, cute and cuddly huh?” I snicker. I finally remove my boots and wiggle my toes. I still had socks on. Duh.
“Shush!” She harshly whispered. “We will not dwell on that subject any longer.”
“Alright, whatever.” I stepped out into the hallway, relishing in the silence of my footsteps. Celestia followed just behind me, her hoof steps muffled and mostly quiet. We walked slowly and carefully, avoiding any creaky floorboards by sheer luck. Finally, when we got to the open door, I peered inside. Inside, sitting at a table, was a family of 5. Mom and Dad, older brother, and two younger sisters. Yeesh, little bro’s got it tough. Celestia peeked into the room as well, before she sneaked past the open door without issue. I did the same, luckily without anybody spotting me.
“They seem like a lovely family, James,” Celestia whispered, somewhat sadly.
“Yeah, they do.” I disregarded her somber tone and reached for the front door. I unlocked the deadbolt with a muffled clack and unlatched the door.
CREEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKK!!!!!!
We have a world record for the world's loudest door.
“Shit.” That was all I could say before I heard the clackety-clack of a shotgun.
Author's Note
R.I.P. White T-Shirt #39
You will be missed.
