Funky Mares

by CalmBreezes

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Adventure
Length: 3000

Pinkie Pie and Rarity get their groove on while busting perps in Bay City.

Let's boogie, let's dance! Some bad cats are out and about causing trouble in San Marecisco and the two grooviest ponies on the block are on the case! Due to a mix-up with the party planning committee Pinkie Pie and Rarity are stuck in Bay City. Someone's flooding the streets with counterfeit confetti and the local party scene is in complete chaos. Before the odd pair of ponies know what hit them, they're thrust in the middle of a funky tornado of crooked party favor suppliers, glittering dance floors, a gang of jive-talking pussycats, and a pile of bogus confetti.

Published 2023-07-14 20:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-07-14 20:10:00 UTC

Act 1: Bring Your Good Times And Laughter Too

"Guard Mares, in color. Tonight's episode; Party Fouls All Around. With special guest star Princess Twilight as Captain Funkytown, Spike as—"

"Pinkie! Turn off the spell-o-vision!"

Rarity shouted from the bathroom, her voice muffled by the door. Pinkie was sitting on one of the two beds in their hotel room, watching the latest episode of Funky Mares on the complimentary crystal ball. She was sweating hard enough for her mane to drag on the floor. Rarity had given up and was lying in the bathtub with all the complimentary ice that room service had been willing to part with. Anything was better than cooking in the small hot room any longer.

"Aah! But Rarity! It's the episode with Twilight in it!"

"I don't care who's in it! This infernal heat coupled with that magic broadcast is giving me a serious hornache!"

Pinkie begrudgingly hopped off the bed and pressed a button on the ball stand. The flickering images within the ball disappeared with a flump. Pinkie jumped back on the bed on her back. Rarity wasn't the only pony feeling the heat. Their small sweaty hotel room was stuffy, even with all the windows open. And it smelled like dragon breath.

"Oh, bummer."

Being stuck in a hotel room was not what she had had in mind when the unlikely duo had been invited to San Marecisco to host the yearly Western Coast Friendship Convention. Pinkie had expected an entire week's worth of parties and a boatload of new friends. Sadly the entire jamboree had been put on indefinite hiatus. All thanks to her.

Once they had arrived at the convention hall, Pinkie had immediately sniffed out that all the confetti reserved for the week-long afterparty was counterfeit. Three tons of the stuff, completely unusable. The wacked-out confetti was super inflammable, of terrible quality, and gave anypony who touched it a horrible rash. Of course, Pinkie Pie would have never been caught dead using a dangerous and inferior product like that. But it did sting her partymare heart that the biggest party of her life so far was in danger of being canceled.

Rarity came out of the bathroom drying herself with the towel firmly in her magical grasp. Once done she twisted it around her hair into a beehive. She slumped down on a seat. The ice bath was just a temporary solution to the heat.

"We've got to get out of here. Any more and I'll start boiling in my skin."

"I'm already boiling on the inside Rarity, boiling at the thought of all those great parties being ruined by lackluster confetti."

Pinkie leaned against the windowsill. The blinds drew dark lines across her face. The sounds of the streets crammed in through the windows, filling their room with the sounds of cartwheels on cobblestones and other sounds of the big city. Her eyes narrowed as she looked out across the city. She moved the lollypop in her mouth from side to side.

"Pinkie dear, are you still upset about the business with the confetti?

"More than upset, I'm peeved."

"Do you have any idea who could have done it?"

"I don't know Rarity, but I intend to find out."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"I always say what I mean."

"And what do you mean now?"

"I mean it's time to get mean! This crime against parties can't go unpunished!"

"I guess it does beat sitting here and sweating my pores off. Fine, where should we start?"

"The chief of the Party Committee. That old goat has to have the down low on whoever's slinging the nasty fetti."

"Pinkie, have you been watching that silly buddy guard show on the sphere again?"

"Maaaybe. What I do know is that it's going to take two groovy mares with attitude to get to the bottom of this crazy crime mystery. But we'll need disguises. If the perps deal with party supplies they no doubt already know my face."

Rarity immediately perked up at the sound of a potential costume change.

"You mean?"

"Oh yeah."

"Ooh ooh! I have the perfect outfits!"

Rarity squealed from delight as she pounced off her seat and dived under her bed. She pulled out a giant suitcase and body-slammed it on top of the covers. She proceeded to pop it open and dive into the pile of clothes, before emerging with the funkiest outfits Pinkie Pie had ever seen. Rarity's eyes glittered with anticipation as she held the ensembles up.

'They're the newest thing, straight out of Mare's Fashion Weekly. This season being groovy is hip and being hip is groovy!"

"Ooooh, sparkly!"

"But the outfits aren't enough! Quick Pinkie, get dressed! We'll need a professional for this!"

"For what?"

"Our manes!"

"Our manes?"

"Yes! Now hurry!"

A quick costume change and a trip to the mane salon later the two ponies hit the streets of Bay City. Rarity had found herself a sleeveless glittery one-piece with fringed cuffs around the fetlocks. The glittery jumpsuit was accentuated by a golden hip disc belt thrown loosely around her hips. Her regular manestyle and tail were gone and replaced with wavy curls and permed-up bangs. Meanwhile, Pinkie was rocking a more urban street look with her mane and tail puffed into complete spheres. She had a short golden leather jacket around her shoulders that matched perfectly with her outrageously tight mahogany red leather pants. The big metal belt separating her bare midriff from her pants spelled MARE in large golden letters.

The new looks were begging to be shown off, and they proceeded to strut their way through the city to the guard and civil servant hall. More than a few heads turned as they passed by, leading to at least three traffic accidents.

'Whoops, I guess it might be better for us to have undercover names if we're going to be running around the city undercover. Wouldn't you agree, Pinkie darling?'

"Sure thing, Sparkler."

"Oooh, that's good. Nice one, Surprise."

"My pleasure partner, now let's get down on it and bust some bad guys, Pinkie pie, I mean, Surprise style!"

The new names only encouraged them to put even more attitude into their walk. A new city, new identities, and a new adventure. What more could a pony ask for? Pinkie Pie pulled out a travel-sized boombox and hit the play button. The theme song to her favorite buddy guard show played as they rushed off toward their mission. First stop, the Chief's office. They had business with the old goat.

Blam! Pinkie dropkicked the door to the chief's office open. The small personal office had a dozen fans blowing every which way, trying to keep the room from becoming a sauna. Behind the big mahogany desk sat the Chief of the Party Committee, the highest authority on parties, hoedowns, discothèques, and shindigs in the city.

"CHIEF HARDHORN! I'M BACK!"

The old goat, who actually was an elderly creature of the goat persuasion, bleated out. The coffee mug in his cloven hoof went flying into the air. Rarity quickly jumped into the room and managed to catch the cup and most of the contents with her. The chief was grasping for his chest as it heaved up and down. He was big, his horns almost reaching the rotating fan on the ceiling. A white collar shirt and suspenders did their best to contain his girth, which mysteriously ended just at the belt after all that followed was a pair of comically small hindlegs. The chief adjusted his glasses and put on the most unpleasant and annoyed expression he had.

"Pinkie Pie! I told you to never show your pink mug in this department again!"

"I promised I'd never show my mug, and I haven't! It's back in Ponyville in my cupboard!"

The mountain of a goat let out an exasperated sigh and leaned back on his chair. It squeaked under the pressure.

Rarity placed the cup she had caught neatly back on the chief's office desk. Rarity gracefully sat down in the chair facing opposite his desk. Pinkie bounced around the room, touching everything she could, before climbing on top of the filing cabinet and pushing her head into the drawer marked "C". Chief Hardhorn tried repeatedly to shoo her away, but Pinkie wouldn't move.

"Oh dear, you almost scalded yourself Chief, thank goodness we were here."

She couldn't help noticing he had an open file on his desk. An Abyssinian cat named "Grubbypaw". What a terrible name to do business with. The chief slammed the file closed. The file was labeled "Counterfeit Confetti, Confidential". Bullseye. The chief had pulled out a broom and was now waving it in Pinkie's direction, trying to get her off the filing cabinets.

"Get out, Pie! You're a loose cannon!"

Pinkie jumped down on the floor and pulled her party cannon out of her poofier-than-usual hair. She placed it down on the ground and put her weight on it. The wheels wobbled.

"I guess it could use a teeny bit of tightening up."

"No! Put that thing away! I mean you're completely out of control!"

Pinkie pushed the cannon back into her pink nightmare of a mane and pulled out a half-eaten donut. She offered it to the chief. A vein bulged on his forehead.

"Oh well, suit yourself chief."

Pinkie threw the deep-fried goodie into the air and opened her mouth, ready to devour. Rarity could see the pastry still had some pink hairs stuck on the frosting. She pulled a face and looked away. What a terrible day to have a fabulous eye for detail.

Trying to ignore Pinkie's grossness, Rarity stood up from the chair and moved over to the table. She slid her behind smoothly on the desk and crossed her legs. Time to crank up the ol' Rarity charm up to eleven.

"But Chief, you're such a big and reasonable ungulate, and we're just two silly little ponies. I and my pink companion appreciate so much how you reserved such a lovely room for us."

She played around with the papers in front of her. All the time she never let the case file out of her sight.

"But it's a complete waste of our talents. Besides, we're the official hosts for the biggest party in town after all. I feel we must be on this case."

"Yeah!" Pinkie chimed in from on top of the ceiling fan. "Our talents!"

"Exactly! Did you know Miss Pie here can differentiate between 42 different flavors of confetti, with her eyes closed no less? Does anyone else on your force have that kind of confetti comprehension? I sincerely believe you need us."

"What I need is something for this heartburn you two are giving me."

The big mountain goat remained unconvinced, but dealing with difficult customers was second nature to her. He was slowly coming around. Chief Hardhorn swiveled around in his big chair. Sweat was slowly creeping out from under his armpits and down his entire dress shirt. The dozen small fans could barely keep him from bursting into flames. He rubbed his temples and sighed deeply, before turning back.

"Also, the faster the source of that 'bogus' confetti is found the faster we'll get out of your beautiful city and great hair."

Chief Hardhorn took a deep breath and exhaled.

"Urgh. I know I'm going to regret this, but all I want right now is for you two to get out of my office."

He opened the confetti case file and spread it on his desk for Pinkie Pie and Rarity to see.

"Fake paper rain's flooding my streets and it's starting to look like every single party in the city is going to be tainted if we don't do something. And it's the middle of the summer party season! Bay City's reputation as the best party town on the west coast will be ruined."

Rarity stood up and leaned over the files.

"Every single party? That's a lot of 'counterfeitti'."

"Three festivals, eighteen parties, sixty shindigs, and three hundred and twenty-six get-togethers worth of confetti."

Pinkie placed her hoof on her chin and thought for a second.

"So around a hundred tons of confetti. Give or take a ton. That's a lot."

"Right, 'detective' Pie. A hundred tons of that floating garbage. And we have no idea where it all came from."

Rarity stared intently at the documents. A hundred tons of tainted fun. It didn't float from the sky, that kind of quantity of product is moved either by ship or train. You don't carry it in a bag on your flank. The documents included a list of all party suppliers in the city. 5 independent importers. The dates of their last shipments caught her eye. One shop received a shipment of confetti a day earlier than all the others. A week before the big scandal of the postponed friendship convention. The shipment company was the same for all five addresses. A lead no doubt.

"Chief, thanks for all your help. We'll take it from here."

"Right, you take it and— wait, where are you going with my file!"

"To get the skinny on these bugged-out baubles! See you in the funny papers!"

Rarity rushed out the door with the case file held tight in her magic. Pinkie's trashy cop shows were starting to rub off on her. It was a refreshing change of pace from her usual noir approach. Maybe this was going to be a lot of fun. Pinkie let go of the ceiling fan. She waved to the chief as she flew past him and out through the door behind Rarity.

"Byyyyeeeee!"

The duo laughed on their way down and out of the building as the furious party committee chief was left struggling to get past the forest of fans. They raced back to the hotel. On the way, Rarity bought Pinkie a dozen bags of caramel nuts and left her to eat them outside the hotel. She had something important to do, and Pinkie was more than happy to stop for a lunch break. It didn't take long for Rarity to come back, this time driving a vehicle.

A red horseless cart, the newest form of locomotion available to Ponykind. Painted slick red with a white stripe on the side, the cart was powered not by horses or other living being, but instead by pure magic. Hard to manufacture and even more expensive to get, you could only find them in the biggest and wealthiest cities being driven by the wealthiest ponies. Thankfully as lead hosts, they had free pick from the extensive collection of vehicles for the organizer's use.

Pinkie jumped around the cart, almost passing out from excitement. She had never seen anything like it. She finally relented and stopped to catch her breath leaning against the red door of the cart. Once she got her wind back she gave Rarity a maniacal look over her shoulder.

"I'm driving."

"All right Pinkie, sure, no problem."

Rarity sat down next to a pile of empty caramel nut wrappers and pulled the case file out of her saddlebag. She flipped through it while Pinkie slobbered over the cart, which she had decided, according to Pinkie's sensibilities, to name the Rankie-mobile. Because there was no better or more obvious way to combine their names into one. Meanwhile, Rarity leafed through the files. No obvious culprit, sadly. But there was one character who stuck out to Rarity. Grubbypaw Scallawag. A cat with a history of dealing in second-rate party supplies and an owner of a small shipping company. He was the best lead they had. The cat owned a dance hall not far from the harbor. As good of a place to start as any.

"There! The owner of a dance hall called Shady Shades is one guilty-looking pussycat. We'll start by getting some two-on-one time with him."

Rarity couldn't help but pull the case file against her chest and let out a squeal of delight. Her hind legs did a little kick from excitement.

"Oh, Pinkie! Sorry, I meant Surprise. We've got a hot lead, funky wheels, and the outfits to go with it. Oooooh. This is getting exciting."

"I knew you'd enjoy this, Sparkler. Now let's get down to that dance hall and get closer to this bad cat."

"Let's do it, Surprise."

Pinkie slid over the roof of the cart and vaulted herself into the driver's seat.

Rarity's excitement was dampened by Pinkies' complete disregard for jumping and sliding on their new Rankie-mobile.

"Oh Pinkie, be careful, it's a rental!"

"Come on! This isn't going to work if we worry about scratching the paint job."

Pinkie slammed her aviator sunglasses on and smiled.

"Now, let's boogie."

Rarity clopped her hooves together in excitement and jumped in the passenger seat. Pinkie pulled on the reins of the magic cart, which were not attached to anything except the front bumper, and they took off down the street. For a horseless carriage, the ride was surprisingly fast.

"So Pinkie, I've been dying to ask. What exactly did you do to make the chief so mad at you?"

"Oh, he disagreed with my choice of service weapon."

"Your party cannon? What was the problem?"

"Apparently the size was against regulation and we had a huge fight about it. He even threatened to take away my hoedown license."

"It is quite an impressive size, especially considering you carry with it everywhere you go."

"No, no. It wasn't because it was too big."

Rarity stared forward in silence for several seconds.

"I see. I guess parties here are much grander in scale than back in Ponyville."

Pinkie pulled hard on the reins and the Rankie-mobile sped off down the empty street. Rarity held on for dear life. Pinkie put on a second pair of aviator glasses and did her best gruff detective voice.

"That's why I love this stinking city, baby."