What Are You Doing, Stepfish?

by TheDriderPony

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Rarity, Other, Sonata Dusk
Length: 1002

Rarity's father is getting married! Wait, wasn't he already married? And since when did middle-aged stallions bump into eligible young mares on the docks at midnight?

Despite their bickering over the years, Rarity always knew her parents would eventually settle their differences at the end of the day.

It was only natural that her father's triumphant announcement of his recent divorce came as quite a shock.

Even more so that he was already remarried.

An entry for the Thousand Words II contest in the "Comedy" category.

Art courtesy of Shaslan, however, due to a minor miscommunication over narrative details, it has little to do with the story itself beyond representing Rarity's mental state throughout.

Published 2023-07-07 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-07-07 21:50:01 UTC

FishInLaw

“I know you and mother have been going through a rough patch but—”

“But nothing!" Hondo stomped his hoof hard enough to make a few pins fall off Rarity’s corkboard. “That old shrew and I were through the minute she decided to hook her wagon to that smooth talking, hip-gyrating, greaseball in Las Pegasus! On what was supposed to be our anniversary trip!”

“I understand how you feel,” Her mother did have a habit of being a touch… overly friendly with well-chiseled strangers. “But surely leaping to divorce is an overreaction. Even putting aside the high emotions at play, divorce is a long and messy process.”

“Quite the contrary, my little marshmallow.” She cringed at the fillyhood nickname he refused to drop. “Did you know there's places in Las Pegasus that can get you divorced in under an hour? It’s already a done deal!” Hondo shuffled to the side to free up the boutique’s doorway. “Speaking of, there’s someone I'd like you to meet.”

An alarmingly young mare with a sky-blue coat and two-tone ponytail bounded into view, giggling, and latched herself to Hondo’s side like a mawkish magnet.

“This is Sonata. We met down by the docks and immediately hit it off. Well, not immediately… but after the hospital got the hook out of her cheek, we started talking and really clicked.”

Rarity prided herself on her refined and collected demeanor. It took extraordinary events to make her lose her composure. Seeing a filly who looked barely old enough to be out of highschool clinging to her father was more than sufficient. “Fath— Dad! You can't possibly be serious! She looks younger than me!”

He flashed his most unapologetic smile. “I know! The justice said the same thing, but don't worry; Sonata explained everything. Even though she looks young, she's actually over a thousand years old! Aren't I just the luckiest guy in the world? I know stallions who’d cut off their horn to marry a mare like her!”

Rarity choked on that latest bombshell. “Marry?! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. You've only just met!”

“Oh? Didn’t I say?” He brushed back his thinning mane to reveal a gleaming new ring on his horn. “We’re already wed. Meet your new stepmother.”

Sonata grinned and waved. “Hi! Nice to meetcha! I'm cool with it if you don't wanna call me mom yet. It’s kinda weird and new for me, too. We can work up to that.”

“What?!” Rarity shrieked as her world turned upside down. “Step—? You can't marry somepony you've known less than a week!”

“Sure can! There's places in Las Pegasus that can get you wed in under an hour. It was a beautiful little ceremony. We even had a Princess Celestia impersonator to officiate!”

“Even though she was too tall and had two extra colors in her mane.” Sonata squinted at Rarity. “Hey… you look familiar. Did you ever play in a band with a bunch of highschoolers who liked to shoot rainbows at innocent performers?”

“...No?”

“Okay then! Must just be a coincidence.”

“I almost forgot!” Hondo gasped. “You haven’t seen the best part yet. Fish cakes! Do the thing!”

“Huh? What thing?”

“You know.” He waggled his eyebrows in a way that made Rarity want to gag. "That thing I like.”

“Oh!” She nodded vigorously. “Okay!”

A red gemstone on Sonata’s necklace began to glow, followed quickly by her whole body. Then she began to grow.

And grow.

And grow.

Suddenly the boutique was filled by a giant… seapony? Merpony? Something with a finned equine front half and a scaled tail from the naval down that, even curled up, barely fit between the four walls.

“Just look at that,” Hondo gushed with unabashed delight, moustache quivering and eyes brimming with the sort of emotions Rarity did not want to imagine her parent feeling. “Look at the size of her. Cookie could stuff herself sick every day of the week and she'd never get that big!”

Rarity cringed again. Her father had always been an oversharer, but usually her mother was there to cut him off. Now there was nopony to rein him in from educating everyone on his particular tastes.

“Reminds me of my first marefriend,” he continued with a sigh. “I haven't seen Whoa Nelly since highschool. She was a cheerleader, you know.”

“I saw some cheerleaders once.” Sonata mused. “It looked like fun.”

Hondo’s eye gleamed. “Daughter mine, how’s that business of yours doing? You still offer that family and friends rate for custom pieces? I’ve got a banger of an idea but it’s going to take a lot of fabric.”

Before Rarity could come up with a reasonable excuse for why she couldn’t make her father’s eye candy a camping-tent-sized miniskirt, the plaza clocktower tolled noon.

“Is that the time?” Hondo frowned. “Thought we had longer.” He pulled Rarity into a one-legged hug and landed a peck on her forehead. “Sorry to meet and greet and run, but we have to catch a train leaving for our honeymoon.”

“Honeymoon? Where?”

“The Mareanas Trench!” Sonata gushed as she shrank back to pony size. “I haven't been home in centuries and if enough of my family has died off, I might even be in line for the throne!”

“You hear that, marshmallow? I might’ve married a princess! But a fish.” He gasped. “A Fishcess. That'd make you and Sweetie princesses by proxy. Don't say I never did anything for you!”

Sonata left as quickly as she’d arrived, bouncing out the door with Pinkie-esque energy. Hondo followed after her like an eager puppy, but lingered just a moment to impart his final words.

“And if your mother calls, tell her I've gone exactly where she told me to go: straight to the deepest, darkest hole in Equestria!”

Rarity collapsed back on her chaise like a puppet with cut strings, dazed as she struggled to grasp her father’s whirlwind revelations.

Then he stuck his head back in.

“And I'm not talking about the Mareanas Trench!”