Princess Celestia's Cure for Hiccups

by gloamish

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Shining Armor
Length: 1891

Twilight Sparkle is trying to enjoy her birthday dinner with her family and mentor, but she can't stop hiccuping.

It's Twilight's fifteenth birthday, and her parents have taken her out to dinner at her favorite Mexicolt restaurant. Princess Celestia is even here to celebrate with her! It would be perfect, except for one thing: she has the hiccups. Can she overcome them before Celestia loses her patience and exiles her from Equestria forever? Probably.

Published 2023-07-11 10:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-07-11 10:00:00 UTC

Dinner Party

It was a lovely evening, by most accounts. Light piano music drifted through the restaurant, ensconcing the diners at the table. All of Twilight Sparkle's favorite ponies were here, gathered around to celebrate her fifteenth birthday. Shining Armor sat at her left, deep in the menu, having trouble deciding between the roasted pepper roulade and the black bean enchiladas, ignoring Night Light's warnings about his history with spicy food. Spike was at her right, hungrily eyeing the jeweled chandelier hanging above them, a hunger she rebuked by lightly kicking him in the shin beneath the table. He stuck his tongue out at her, then returned to the menu of decidedly non-jewel-encrusted food. Further down the table sat her parents, across from each other, talking animatedly with the last guest, who sat at the head of the table. Her mentor, Princess Celestia herself, smiled and nodded as the elder Twilight talked her ear off about bungee jumping.

Unfortunately, there was one problem with this scene. She had the hiccups. It was still in the 'cute and funny' stage, the little interruptions making the dragon next to her laugh every time the force of it lifted her off her cushion. However, it was rapidly accelerating toward 'awkward', and, from there, 'annoying' was an inevitability. She knew how it went — she'd been through puberty, after all. A phase from whose clutches she'd supposedly been freed. Twilight was still in denial of that, half because she was still shorter than her older brother, and half because it would mean all the ungainly, spiky feelings she'd been left with were just part and parcel of being a grown mare.

"Hic," she said, eloquently.

Shining looked up from his menu. "Drink from the opposite side of a glass of water," he said, nodding, then went back to it.

"Wha— hic —what?"

"It's a hiccup cure. Works every time."

She opened her mouth to ask about the size of the control group he'd used to come to such a confident conclusion, but was interrupted by another hiccup. Perhaps she'd have to subject his methodology to some rigor herself... She raised her half-full glass, squinted at it, then rotated it 180 degrees, and took an experimental sip from the side unwet by her lips. Shining Armor struck his face with a hoof.

"The side you don't drink from, Twilight."

"I was just drinking from— hic —the other side!"

"No, like—" He raised his own glass in his aura, brought it toward his mouth, then kept going until it was under his chin. Leaning forward, he placed his lips on the far side and tilted it away from him, taking the most inconvenient drink of water Twilight had seen since her mother had showed off her SaddleSip™, a demonstration which took five minutes due to the length of the straw and the proportional suction force required.

She snorted. "How could tha— hic —possibly cure hiccups?!"

"Do I have the hiccups?" he asked smugly, holding her stare as if reveling in the lack of spasms racking his diaphragm.

"That's not— you didn't to begin wi— hic!"

"I've had them before!! And now I don't. Q.E.D." He said, tapping her on the muzzle with his hoof for each letter.

She growled, but then looked back at her water. She didn't want to have the hiccups forever — already, the noise was drawing glances from up the table, and it was only a matter of time before Princess Celestia herself got so annoyed that she'd expel her from her tutelage and exile her from Canterlot and leave her to wander rural Equestria forever! As would be totally reasonable!

She dove across the table at her glass with both hooves, then remembered her magic and lifted it, following her brother's directions and taking several deep gulps from the far side, her chin tucked to her barrel. Then, she sat back, satisfied. Free of her curse. Crisis averted.

"Hic."

"You're both idiots," Spike huffed, crossing his arms.

"Don't insult your siblings, Spike," Night Light chided automatically. Spike looked over at him, then back to his brother and sister, the former of which had abandoned his menu to explain the five ways in which Twilight had drunk the water incorrectly. Twilight looked up from scribbling a defense in her notebook to yell "point of order!" He looked back at Night Light, who sighed and returned to his conversation, his effort made.

As her 231st hiccup escaped her, her mother looked down the table. "Dear, are you alright?" she asked, tilting her head.

"Ye— hic —ep!" her daughter responded, cursing the unwanted admission of her condition.

Twilight Velvet looked up at Celestia, who met her gaze and, in an unladylike display, snickered.

"Would you like me to..?" Celestia asked, tilting her head toward her student.

Her mother looked curious, perhaps wondering what sort of folk cures a Princess would know. "That would be appreciated, Princess."

She smiled indulgently and nodded, then turned to Twilight.

Twilight Sparkle had only drawn anything resembling ire from Celestia twice in her life. Once, at twelve, when she was so in awe staring up at the freshly painted court ceiling that she'd backed directly into a midnight blue vase. The Princess wasn't much one for possessions and their vanity, but that one must have been special.

She'd rarely seen sadness as deep as that which dwelled in Celestia's eyes as she looked down at the scattered constellations at their hooves. It was matched by the intensity of the glare she met Sparkle with. It was only for a fraction of a second, of course — Equestria's leader knew better than to yell at a foal, especially one who had already burst into tears at her mistake. Her voice then had been more of a mess of hiccups than tonight, and it was only soothed after Celestia stroked her mane with each "I'm sorry," she blubbered, matching each with forgiveness.

The second time hadn't been from an accident, and Celestia's anger was not instinct alone, though she still tempered it. Twilight didn't like dwelling on that one, considering her lesson learned.

The reason these memories flashed through her mind was because the warm smile that usually adorned her mentor's face had vanished. She didn't flare her wings out, or straighten out to her full height, or glow with terrible radiance. Twilight had never seen her do any of those things. Instead, she simply met her gaze with one of stone, the kind she'd only caught at an angle as it was directed toward particularly unruly dignitaries restrained by the hooves of guards.

"Twilight Sparkle." The proclamation echoed like they were in the vaulted halls of her castle. "Cease hiccupping at once."

She froze, cold sweat immediately making itself known on her forehead. Celestia had asked — no, ordered — something of her. She couldn't refuse her mentor, but how could she possibly be expected to just stop hiccupping! It's not like she wanted to be doing this! But no. This had to be a test! An unconventional one, certainly, but the Princess never lay a gauntlet she knew Twilight could not cross. Her eyes darted about the room, then down at the table. She was the Princess' faithful student. The answer lay somewhere within herself.

She squeezed her eyes shut and turned her focus inward. A spell. She was a student in magic, after all. She sorted through the replica of the royal library in her mind, trying to find the answer within the furls of scroll after scroll. Clover the Clever never penned a cure for myoclonic malaise, and Starswirl certainly never fashioned a spell to dispel spasms. Wait, but, Shale's Lesser Pollen Protection stopped sneezes, and if she... weaved it together with Clover's Waterbreathing, then—

Just as magic began swirling from the thaumic plane into her horn and she prepared to cast a spell that would either rid her of hiccups or turn her lungs into blooming butterbur, an uproar of laughter dissolved her concentration. The light on her horn fizzed away. Was this the wrong answer, too?! She dared to peek out of one eye, then opened both and stared at the picture of mirth her family had become. Twilight Velvet was snorting with unrestrained laughter, while Night Light just chuckled, rolling his eyes at her. On the spectrum of with/at, Spike was definitely toward the latter, pointing and wiping a tear from his eye with a claw. Shining Armor, traitorous cur that he was, pounded his hoof on the table without any regard for etiquette, tears similarly pricking his own eyes.

She felt hot shame crawl up her spine and settle in her face, still not familiar enough with love to distinguish being surrounded by laughter from being surrounded by mockery. Mustering her courage, she met the eyes of the Princess herself, ready to see disappointment on her face.

Fear washed away like dust in rain. The only thing betraying Celestia's amusement at the situation was an uneven twitch of the lips upwards, but the affection in her expression was unmistakable, even to Twilight. There, in violet eyes, was a promise clear as any words could give. Once the others had finally calmed down, she spoke, voice projecting easily across the table. "I am sorry for my tone, Twilight. But the one consistent cure for hiccups I've been able to find, across all the land, is a good surprise."

She paused, considering. Celestia was right! She didn't have hiccups anymore! The relief bubbling in her chest escaped as a laugh, and the Princess smiled back at her, eyes crinkling shut with a joy that was entirely their own. However, her relief was chased by a different form of embarrassment.

Her unruly body did nothing but rebel against her! It was heedless to the late nights required by her studies, demanding food and sleep like a foal. But with only a simple request from her mentor, it did not hesitate to obey something she thought impossible. Her eyes roved downward to her barrel, trying her best to glare through it at the lungs within. Twilight had once heard her mother joking with Celestia that she should never ask her daughter to fly, because the filly's devotion was so deeply ingrained she'd surely jump from the nearest balcony without a thought. She shrank into herself with a blush as she realized Twilight Velvet may have been right.

Thankfully, this little embarrassment at least was private, everypony distracted by the arrival of their dinners. Twilight perked up, troubles forgotten, as a sizzling plate of bell pepper fajitas made its way to her. Shining Armor looked at it, then back to the enchiladas which had been placed before him, reconsidering his choice in meal for the tenth time. Served him right for laughing, Twilight thought as she scraped some of her meal onto her older brother's plate, stealing an enchilada in return. He grinned at her, and she smiled back. Across the table, Celestia entertained a rare thing: a smile, all for herself. It was a lovely evening, after all.

Author's Note

based on a true story (a pretty woman ordered me to stop hiccuping at a dinner party once and it worked)

just a quickie from the drafts i dredged up in between some twiluna writing!