Trixie Visits the Hospital's Anon Ward
Trixie Lulamoon walked in through the front door of Ponyville General Hospital, levitating a covered tray in front of her.
Seconds later, three burly orderlies tackled her, shoving her back out the door and holding her down on the lawn. A fourth orderly crossed the lobby cautiously, holding a large bag made of metal foil. He used the bag to pick up the tray.
After sealing the tray and its contents within three successively nested bags, he followed the first three orderlies. (Behind him, a janitor scrubbed the floor just in case.)
He walked in front of Trixie's face, balancing the sealed package on his back. "Do you have any idea what you just did?" he asked.
Trixie blinked, looking up at him. "The GRRReat and COMPASSIONATE TRIXIE just tried to deliver some 'get well soon cards.'"
"Yes, and what else?"
Trixie blinked again. "Tell these overmuscled oafs to let me go! Why are you ponies so mean to Trixie?"
The fourth orderly gently rattled the bag. "I can hear more than just paper in here."
"Trixie doesn't share her peanut butter snacks with the likes of you!"
~~***~~
Inside Ponyville General, down the main hall and to the right, a cardboard sign said, "Anon Ward."
Beyond the sign, room after room of beds hosted seriously ill patients. Each patient had two arms, two legs, an unponyishly flat face, and tubes connected to their noses, mouths, and some other body parts.
A doctor rushed in. "Oh no!" he cried out. "These patients are all such an odd shade of green! They must be very sick indeed!"
A nurse shook her head, chuckling dryly. "They always look this way. They're...Anons."
"Anons?" the doctor echoed.
All the patients within sight raised their hands at least partway, some struggling more than others.
One croaked out, "I'm Princess Luna's...official companion and emotional support animal. I even have a special vest to wear, so I can accompany her into restricted diplomatic events. So far, every time I've been with her, she hasn't angrily horn-blasted even ONE high level foreign leader."
Another half-whispered, "I'm Celestia's...special personal advisor."
A third Anon said softly, "I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle's...cuddle buddy. Also, I help her stay sane."
A fourth grinned. "Me and Pinkie have LOTS of fun together. She might be a little crazy, but she and I like it that way!"
Other Anons explained their important roles in helping Equestria and the Crystal Empire run smoothly.
Finally the last Anon said, "I have a thing for abusive relationships with hard-shelled dommy mommies. Also, Chryssy has this thing she can do with her wings--"
"Shh!" another Anon interrupted. "I thought we agreed not to talk about that, at least not where it might frighten foals."
Chryssy's Anon slumped back down into his bed. "Sorry."
"Anyway," the newly arrived doctor said, "your test results have come back from the lab. It seems all of you share a very specific medical issue."
A sudden smoke bomb blast filled part of the hallway. As the smoke dissipated, a familiar voice said, "TRRRIXIE the GRRREAT AND POWWWERFUL, hospital entertainer EXTRORDINAIRE, has arrived to entertain the sick!" The light blue unicorn levitated a deck of cards in front of the nearest Anon. "Pick a card, any card."
The Anon started to reach up, but the doctor said, "No!"
Trixie narrowed her eyes at the doctor. "What do you mean, no?"
The doctor threw himself between Trixie and the Anon. "I mean, we've discovered what these patients are sick of, and it's YOU!"
"WHAT? NO pony, I mean NO creature, doesn't love the amazing magical exploits of TRRRRIXXXIE, the--"
A nurse put her hoof over Trixie's mouth. "Trixie," the nurse said, "I don't know how to break this to you. But it's very, very important for you to understand."
Her voice only somewhat muffled by the hoof, Trixie proclaimed, "TRRRRIXXIE'S intellect is matched by no other! TRRRIXXIE can understand ANYTHING--"
The nurse thrust a tongue suppressor into Trixie's mouth. "These Anons are all allergic to Equestrian peanuts."
Trixie blinked. "But peanuts are the best of all foods! The staff of life! An excellent source of protein, fiber, and over seventeen different vitamins and minerals! Peanuts are the food par excellence! The only ingredient that makes ANYTHING taste better!"
An Anon across the hall croaked out, "An ingredient that some humans are allergic to."
"No!" Trixie moaned. "This can't be! This is impossible! After I gave Starlight food poisoning by mistake and had to take her place catering the All-Equestria Anon Convention Luncheon, I KNEW I had to cook the ONE recipe that ALWAYS comes out well for me: Trixie's Very Special Secret Ingredient Surprise!"
Another Anon coughed. "I think now we all know what the secret ingredient was."
A third Anon grumbled, "Some surprise."
Trixie wailed. Tears ran down her cheeks. "Trixie can't believe PEANUTS, the SECOND GREATEST love of Trixie's life, have betrayed her."
"Believe it," said Fluttershy's 'rescue Anon,' who Fluttershy had bailed out from Ponyville Animal Pound on the same day he'd arrived in Equestria. "I'm sorry, Trixie."
Trixie stepped towards Fluttershy's Anon, but a nurse blocked the unicorn from going closer. The nurse's horn lit, and she passed it over every part of Trixie's entire body. The horn crackled as it neared Trixie's saddlebags. The nurse frowned.
Trixie took off her saddlebags. "Trixie is so sorry."
The nurse nodded, and Trixie walked the rest of the way to Fluttershy Anon's bed. The Anon sat up slowly, and patted the bed next to him. Trixie hopped up, and pressed herself against him like a cat.
Anon stroked Trixie's mane and back. She trilled softly, almost like a purr. "Anon," she said, "Trixie loves this thing you do with your hands. Do you think you could come live with Trixie?"
Anon took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Trixie. I'm taken. I live with Fluttershy, helping out at the animal shelter."
Trixie nodded. "Fluttershy must be a very special mare, for you to be so attached to her."
Anon smiled. "She is."
Trixie wheedled, "Do you think Trixie could come help out at the shelter sometimes too?"
"You'd have to ask Fluttershy."
Trixie put her front hooves on Anon's chest, looking into his eyes. "Fluttershy should say yes. That selfish...b-word. She should learn to share."
"Don't get jealous," the Anon said. "Just be patient. Another Anon will surely appear sooner or later. Just, you know...be careful what you feed him."
Trixie sighed. "Why must love be so complicated, so full of sorrow?" She sighed again. "Why must Trixie's second greatest love try to kill Trixie's OTHER second greatest love?" She lay across Anon's chest. "Pet Trixie some more, Anon."
Author's Note
A casual remark by EileenSaysHi inspired this story.
