Lame

by RunicTreetops

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, Anon, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Romance, Second Person, Comedy
Length: 2757

Rainbow Dash has always wanted to meet an alien. Would they be cool? Would they be fast? Would they be a deadly invader for her to heroically defend Equestria from? The possibilities are endless! Unfortunately, all she got was you.

The prospect of meeting an alien has always fascinated Rainbow Dash. With countless worlds out there beyond the stars, who is to say that extraterrestrial life doesn't exist? What would they be like? Would they be just like her, but with a gross third eye? Would they be sturdy enough to beat her in a fight, or quick enough to beat her in a race? Would they be malevolent and try to conquer Equestria with their DEADLY SPACE LASERS?

Yeah, you're none of those things. She's a bit disappointed.

Published 2023-07-16 00:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-07-16 00:30:01 UTC

Lame

Princess Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash slowly fly over the rooftops of Ponyville, engaging in leisurely conversation as they make their way towards the Castle of Friendship.

"Because their poetry is just THAT bad, haha!"

"Wow, Rainbow. I didn't expect you to be so into sci-fi novels."

"Are you kidding?! Aliens are so COOL!"

"Don't get me wrong, I agree with you, I'm just surprised."

"There are so many possibilities! What do you think real aliens are like?"

"Well, assuming that there really is life out there, it's hard to say. They would likely be a product of their environment. They could be big, they could be small. Heck, they could be a bunch of single-celled organisms living on a substance that we don't even know exists."

"Okay sure, but that's lame, Twilight."

"Huh?"

"If I ever got to meet an alien, I'd hope that they were big! And strong! Do you think they could fly?! Ooo, I'd LOVE to compete with an alien! Then I'd get to say that I'm the fastest flier in the UNIVERSE!"

"W-well, that's-"

"Oh, oh! What if they were EVIL?!"

"Evil?"

"Yeah! What if they wanted to conquer Equestria with their horrible deadly SPACE LASERS?! I'd dodge and weave through the air and give them a taste of my hoof, then I'd rip those lasers right out of their tentacles and use them against 'em!"

"I think you might be getting ahead of yourself."

"What? Am I not allowed to dream?"

Twilight and Dash slow down as they nearly reach the castle.

"Sure, but one thing at a time. After all, as cool as it would be, the likelihood of us ever actually encountering alien life is-"

The two mares are interrupted by a loud booming sound. Right in front of them, a strange, concave... "hole" seems to appear in midair. It's a light blue color, and sparks seem to be shooting out of it. A web of white lines run across it, spreading out into the midair space surrounding the weird, glowing, circular, hole-like thing. Suddenly, a figure falls out of the hole. The figure appears limp, and after taking a short fall, it lands face-down on the dirt below. Then, just as suddenly as it appeared, the strange hole in the sky seems to implode upon itself before disappearing entirely. The whole process takes about two seconds.

"...astronomically low."

Twilight and Dash glance at each other before quickly flying towards the figure. It looks like some kind of fur-less ape, with long limbs and a head covered in hair. It wears clothes, indicating that it's at least somewhat intelligent. The pair stares at it in silence for a long, awkward moment before Dash finally speaks up.

"Twilight?"

"Yes, Rainbow Dash?"

"Is this the mother of all coincidences?"

"I think it might be."

"Because that's definitely an alien, right?"

"...I guess we'll find out when it wakes up."

Your arrival in Equestria was a sudden one. One day, you were taking a leisurely stroll through the park, when all of a sudden there was a bright flash of light. By the time you had gotten your bearings, you were in another world full of talking ponies. Two ponies in particular were looking over you, who you would later know to be named Princess Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash. They were extremely interested in you, claiming that you were some sort of alien.

Twilight did most of the talking while Dash just stared at you with wonder, a smile on her face all the while. She visibly held herself back from bombarding you with questions, seemingly knowing that Twilight was better at prioritizing the important stuff.

Thus, you learned all about where you were while also informing your newfound friends about who you are and where you came from. Twilight, concerned for your well-being, immediately took you into the castle and practically pulled you and Dash into her library, where she began to research whatever the weird thing that brought you here is. Meanwhile, Dash finally took the opportunity to start asking you questions of her own.

"Sooooo... can you fly?!"

"Uhh, no."

"...Oh." She seemed disappointed when she heard that. "Do you, like, have jetpacks and stuff then?"

"Not really? I don't, at least."

"So you're stuck on the ground?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"..." Okay, she was definitely disappointed after hearing that, but she recovered quickly. "Th-that's fine. Are you, like, super fast then?"

"I don't think I'm particularly fast, no. I can run a mile in about... seven-ish minutes?"

"...Wow. That's... kinda lame."

You didn't know how to respond to that.

"Err... sorry?"

She sighs.

"It's fine. You don't seem to be evil, but do you at least have some cool lasers?"

"Man, I wish."

"Ugh." The feeling of contempt coming from her was palpable. "What can you do?"

You think for a moment, unsure of how to answer. You aren't exactly all that impressive physically, especially not compared to a rainbow-maned pegasus that can fly at the speed of sound.

"Well... I'm really good at making tea?"

She narrowed her eyes.

"Tea? Really?"

"What? I'm extremely average for a human, Ms. Rainbow Dash. Most of my interests and talents are just... on the quieter side of things, I guess. I'm sorry I'm not the technologically advanced, physically marvelous alien you were imagining."

"...Lame."

You blink and shake your head. You need to stop spacing out like that. Your arrival in Equestria was over a year ago, now. Nopony could find any information pertaining to the weird occurrence that brought you to Equestria, and as a result, no one knows how to send you home. As such, you had little choice but to settle down in this world as "Ponyville's resident alien." For a while there, it was a bit dehumanizing. Everyone saw you as some foreign creature rather than as a person. You felt like an exotic exhibit at a zoo or something, but as time went on, you forced yourself to talk to the gawkers. Some were scared of you, but most were just curious. By becoming familiar with them and speaking to them as equals, you slowly managed to make the general populous understand that you aren't so different from them. If anything, you're a bit boring.

At least, Rainbow Dash sure seemed to think so. And yet, you find yourself in that mare's company quite often. Whether she is seeking you out or you're seeking her out, you aren't really sure. Either way, you end up "bumping into her" at least once a week. Even if she thinks you're boring, she isn't a bad pony. In fact, you consider her to be one of your closest friends. As time has gone on, Dash's insistence that you're "boring" has evolved from what seemed to be legitimate disdain to a playful jab at your hobbies, much in the same way that you tease her for being "egotistical." It's all in good fun.

One thing that is deliberate about your relationship is that after every race, performance, or other major event that Dash takes part in as a member of the Wonderbolts, she always makes it a point to visit you in Ponyville. You work at the Ponyville Day Spa as a masseur. You had a bit of experience working as one part-time back in your old world, and while you weren't anything special back there, your human hands can do a whole lot more than hooves can here. This has made you quite popular, and Dash is no exception. The fact that she's an athlete means she would really be getting her money's worth out of her visits (if you actually charged her, that is). The two of you take this weekly-ish time to discuss what you've been up to, and today is no exception.

"But Soarin took the turn just a little too quickly, and he- AH!" Dash is cut short when you find a particularly tight knot right next to the base of her wing. You begin working at it while she slowly recovers. "He ran right into Spitfire. Boy, was she mad."

"I thought you were positioned in-between them during that routine?"

"I am, but I- AH~! I saw him coming and ducked just in time."

"Let me guess, Spitfire blamed you?"

"Actually, she was impressed by my reaction speed. Soarin got called into her office afterwards, though. I haven't heard from him siiiiiince~."

There we are, now she should be good to go. You motion to Dash that she can get up, and she happily does so. She instinctively stretches her freshly massaged back, relishing in the feeling as you make your way to the far side of the room. This room has been given the name "Anon's Parlor" in the time you've worked here, and that's because the room isn't just for massages. It doubles as your office, but it also has a third section that looks like a small makeshift kitchen. You reach into a nearby cabinet and procure a few unmarked bags, knowing from experience what each is. You begin mixing their contents before quickly stepping into a side room where you have a few more kitchen utilities, such as a stove. A kettle is whistling on said stove, and you go through the familiar motions of preparing a special type of tea for Dash.

That's the second thing that separates you from other massage therapists: You end every session with a serving of tea. Some ponies in town call you "The Tea Man." It was just a hobby in your old world, but with the massive variety of strange, foreign herbs and leaves available to you in this world, you've had a fantastic time experimenting and creating brand new types of tea. It has proven popular, even to ponies who have much livelier lifestyles than you. Like Dash!

By the time the tea is finished, Dash is seated at a small table you have ready on that side of the room. You take a seat across from her and serve her the tea you prepared. Unsurprisingly, Dash drinks it extremely quickly, leaving very little time for the tea to cool. She doesn't seem to mind, however, and looks at you with satisfaction and expectation. You chuckle as you pour her a second cup. This time, she takes it a bit slower.

This has been your routine for months, and it's one of the greatest highlights of your week.

"I really don't know how you do it, Anon."

"Hm? What are you talking about?"

"All of this. I can't even imagine being cooped up in here all day long."

"Heh, I said it the day we met, Dash. I prefer things quieter than you do. I can't imagine having to run back to my house from here, let alone training with the Wonderbolts every day."

"But it's so much fun! How do you not get bored?"

"To me, doing my job and brewing tea for others is fun. I get to hear about all of your exploits every week, and I get to take satisfaction in knowing that I'm doing my own part in helping you do what you do. Er, even if my role is minimal at best, hehe."

"H-hey, I never meant to downplay what you're doing here! I just figured dudes like you are better at handling boredom, and that's why you have jobs like this."

"Nope. It's all a matter of perspective."

"Huh. Never thought of it like that. Heh, maybe I could learn something from you aliens after all."

"Didn't you already learn this lesson when Twilight introduced you to the Daring Do books?"

"Th-that was different!"

She lightly blushes while you begin to laugh. She jokingly sticks her tongue out at you and takes another sip of the tea.

"What do you think of the tea this week?"

"I dunno. Kinda bitter, really."

"Yeah, I'm still ironing out the taste part."

"What else is there but the taste part?"

"Try flapping your wings a bit for me."

"Huh? Er, okay, I guess."

Rainbow Dash lightly flaps her wings a bit before her eyes widen.

"Woah. They... they feel great!"

"I've been getting some pointers from Zecora. Turns out there's a lot of overlap between brewing potions and making tea. This particular blend of some local leaves is the perfect compliment to my massages. Once we're done here, you should be feeling good as new."

Dash gets up from her chair and flies around the room a little bit. There isn't a whole lot of space for her to do so, but it's enough for her to be absolutely beaming with joy.

"Seriously Anon, this is so awesome!"

"Not bad for a boring alien, eh?"

"How did you even come up with this idea?"

"Well, last week you told me that the race you have coming up tomorrow was stressing you out."

Her face goes pink as she sits back down.

"H-hey! I told you not to repeat that!"

You chuckle and innocently raise your hands.

"I didn't tell anyone! Anyway, I figured that you might want a pick-me-up going into it. I know you take solace in my massages, so I wondered if there might be some way to have my tea do the same thing. Turns out, there is!" You rub the back of your head and give her a sheepish smile. "Didn't have enough time to work on the actual flavor, though."

"Seriously, you're like my own personal pit crew AND fan club! W-well, I already have a fan club, but you get the idea."

"I'm happy to help, Dash. You deserve it."

"Really, this why I... you... ugh!"

Rainbow Dash finishes off her tea and in the blink of an eye (just like most things she does), she flies around the table and wraps her hooves around you. The gesture is unexpected from her. She isn't really the type of pony to do stuff like this, after all. Before you can even try to respond or hug her back, however, she has already let go and is almost out the door. She's looking away from you, but you can still tell that her face is red as a beet.

"AnywaythanksfortheteaAnongoodbye!"

She exits the room, slamming the door behind her as she does. You're left sitting alone at the table, steam still gently rising from your teacup. You stare at the door Rainbow Dash just flew out of. It takes a moment for the shock to wear off considering how much Dash just did in a matter of seconds, but the surprise on your face slowly melts away in favor of a gentle smile. Maybe you'll finally gather the courage to tell that mare how you really feel sometime soon. Or maybe not. After all, you doubt that she's all that compatible with an alien as lame as you.

You chuckle to yourself as you finish off the rest of the tea.

After leaving the spa, Rainbow Dash quickly flew towards the nearest cloud she could find. Realizing that said cloud was closer to the ground than she'd like, she found the second-closest cloud instead and took refuge on top of it, doing her best to catch her breath after making sure that she has some privacy. Her face is still red with embarrassment, and she'd rather die than let someone see her like that.

"What the heck, Anon?" She mumbles to herself as her breathing gradually returns to normal. At this point, she realizes that her heart is beating extremely fast. "Oh my gosh, I can't believe I almost said... THAT!" She buries her head in the cloud, eager to hide herself away from the world. "Why couldn't you have just been evil or something? That would have been easier than this!" Rainbow Dash sighs and flips onto her back, resting her hooves behind her head and looking at the clear blue sky above her. She thinks for a few silent moments, her eyes closed as she struggles to fight off her oncoming drowsiness. "Why am I so scared of just telling him? Rainbow Dash is supposed to be fearless, darn it!"

She realizes that trying to stay awake is a losing battle, and as consciousness drifts away from her, she mumbles one more time, her voice so quiet it may as well be inaudible.

"...Lame."

Author's Note

I finally made a Rainbow Dash story. :rainbowderp:

As always, I appreciate any and all feedback!