It was a beautiful day and everyone was excited. There was no real reason to be excited to be fair, we're all on our merry way to complete destruction of everything we love and care about, but this is a story about cartoon ponies and if they wanna be fucking excited over nothing then we'll just let them be.
Carrot Top chose this particular day to visit Ponyville's hardware store. On normal day, they've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters, trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters, walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires, BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers, picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters, paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters, kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables, hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles. However, this time around Carrot wasn't looking for any of this "she was looking for something that would help her dominate the world with carrots. Of course, she had a Nightmare Moon waifu back home that would make that a reality in like 15 minutes, but that would be cheating.
"Hello inconspicuous hardware seller," said Carrot Top. "I'm going to take over the world and I need your strongest hardware."
"My hardware is too strong for you traveler," responded the hardware seller.
"If you say so," Carrot then pulled out a .44 Remington Magnum out of a pocket dimension, "then it's a robbery now."
"Oh now that makes it simpler," the seller quickly took a giant goat horn from the back. "There was this guy called Grogar that got beaten up and had to sell his horn. This bad boy here can spew out anything you want. Do you need an installation guide and an extended warranty with it?"
"Nah, I'm fine, just set it up for carrots."
"Carrots?"
"Carrots."
"Carrots it is."
***
"So, how's your sex life?" Poldek asked, chugging his 7th beer.
"My what?" Angel was too busy avoiding any responsibility in his life to hear the question.
"Exactly."
"We do this routine every single time we're on screen, can't you think up something new and clever for once?"
"If I was a clever pony, I definitely wouldn't be ordering another beer," responded Poldek, taking another beer. "After that whole Nightmare Moon fiasco there's just not much else to do around here."
"Well, just take a look outside and see what the world has to offer."
They both looked - at first, there was just one pony puking his dinner on a wall opposite of the bar. Truly majestic sight, but it was quickly overshadowed by a running Carrot Top with a horn in her teeth, happily spewing thousands of carrots on her trail.
":D" said Angel.
"For fuck's sake Angel," Poldek sighed deeply and stood up, at the third attempt, "let's go and find out what the hell happens this time."
***
Carrot Top came[1] to her home and barged in. I mean, it's her house, she can do whatever she wants, banging the doors in and shooting up the kids in the basement included. Nightmare Moon was used to that already, so she just batted an eye over her newspaper, "The Moon".
Now, for a quick annotation - yes, they are living together, yes, they did it and yes, The Moon is a newspaper owned by Nightmare Moon. After becoming a good girl and losing the unicorn part of her powers she contacted the lawyers about inheriting a 4th part of Equestria. After a few weeks of social debate, a small war and a mime accident that we don't talk about, Celestia just gave her a lifetime supply of carrots and a big bag of taxpayers money just to shut her up. In response, Nightmare Moon established an independent leftist press just to mock Celly from time to time. While all of this was happening, Luna was busy playing Genshin Impact.
"Hey babe, how's your day going?" Nightmare folded over an article describing the amount of cake eaten by Celestia and its influence on the economy to give the orange mare a quick peck.
"Oh, you know, robbed a store to get something that would turn me into a Carrotcorn, told Angel to fuck off, flooded a market with unreasonably cheap carrots - you know, the usual."
"Lovely stuff dear. Mane 6 didn't bother you too much?"
"They're still not up after last time," Carrot sighed deeply. "You know, that one where you set up an orphanage on fire?"
"These damned orphans had it coming - they were cultivating parsley, Carrot. Fucking parsley. They wouldn't grow up to be respectable citizens on a parsley."
"Well now they won't grow up to be respectable anything."
"Dandelions have my utmost respect."
"Oh forget it," Carrot waved her hoof in dismissal. "I'm going back to the lab, wanna be an alicorn again?"
"Nah, I'm fine," Nightmare returned to her newspaper. "Shooting beams of power and razing cities is all fun and dandy, but free speech lets me annoy Celestia even harder, and she can't just send her peons on me for that. "
"But I'm really curious what you could do with that long, slick horn to me."
"Is that why you're strapping a carrot to my forehead every time we go to bed?"
"Well... yeah? What other reason would I have?"
"...midnight snack?"
"Nightmare Moon, in my book you are THE midnight snack in every sense possible," Carrot kissed her girlfriend's forehead and turned around. "If I need some help taking over the world I'll give you a call."
"Blast Celly a new one from me if you meet her on the way," Nightmare smiled and started reading next article, "Princess, if you're reading this, you fucking suck".
"Now explain to me how it is your fault this time," said Poldek, peeping with his friend from the window.
"Listen, Grogar had it coming, okay? Bucko owed me a lot of money for all those sinister cult meetings, so I prickled that horn of his for a quick cash. I may have set it up in a hardware store for a cute orange mare looking for world domination, or maybe it was just a coincidence."
"For fuck's sake Angel," Poldek wanted to be angry, but he was still stuck on an image of Nightmare Moon with a long carrot strapped to her forehead. "Are we stopping this?'
"Not yet, I want to see where this goes."
"You know that curiosity killed a cat?"
"Yeah, a bunch of orphans too, I didn't even get a big profit on those parsley seeds."
"For fuck's sake Angel."
***
Carrot Top happily trotted into her dark and mysterious lab, hidden behind a bookcase. Since renting prices had gone up so much over the last decade, she had to utilize a kitchen for this, but there's no law preventing anyone from accessing the kitchen via secret bookcase passage.
The cornucopia has been set up on the pile of other artifacts that had been collected over the years for this purpose. They were all neatly stacked in a giant pot that allows you to draw two additional cards from your deck. When the horn touched the beacon on top of the pile, the whole kitchen lab was engulfed in a blinding light. Carrot instantly felt like drowning in the night (phrasing), but resisted the urge "there were more important things to do now. She quickly opened up the console and typed "give item_goldencarrot" and the Source engine of cornucopia responded by spawning the corresponding item.
"Alright, you've had your Golden Harvest, can we barge in now?" asked Poldek. We're not going to discuss why you would have a window in your secret lab - remember, kitchen.
"Shut up and let me have it," Angel's voice was raspy, but his composure remained unfazed. "If we were wearing pants, I'd cream mine already."
"For fuck's sake Angel."
And then Carrot Top inserted the carrot into the correct orifice of her body and the world changed ever so slightly.
***
Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria and a three times winner of The Fattest Ass In The Kingdom contest (run by independent newspaper "The Moon") had countless years of experience in controlling her emotions. Managing the country requires a stoic apparition, no matter how bad things really are. Celestia was an absolute champion of keeping a small smile on her lips at every point of time, never showing her thoughts, never complaining, never being really honest. Everyone was used to that image of benevolent ruler and everyone respected it dearly.
This day, which by the way was beautiful, read the first line of the fic you moron, Princess Celestia was pissed as fuck.
"But Siiis, there will be Gabriel Ultrakill reading things requested by the audience," begged Luna, waving around a newspaper.
"I don't care, you are not going to any event sponsored by "The Moon"," snapped Celestia. "Besides, he'll just say that I'm fat and I'm embezzling funds."
"But Siiis, you are fat and embezzling funds!"
"Yes, but nobody told me that in that sexy voice," Celestia turned around, finishing the discussion. "Besides, aren't you too old for conventions? If you want some video games stuff, just buy a studio or something."
"But Siiis, you're the one holding all the taxpayers money! And the only company that would be selling is Ubisoft and nobody wants a fucking Ubisoft."
Celestia felt an oncoming migraine and briefly considered another quick banishment to the moon, but she remembered that she wouldn't have to deal with all that shit if she didn't do it the first time around.
"Listen, I'll send some goons to force them to remake Gex, just give me a break," the princess sighed deeply. "It's not like this day could get any worse."
And then a carrot broke through a solid concrete just to bonk Celestia.
***
"Can you stop having an orgasm for long enough for us to fix this mess?" Asked Poldek, kicking Angel in the nuts. After all these years, Angel was still basically a block of steel, so that achieved absolutely nothing.
"Fine, but I'm keeping the mental images for eternity," Valor stood up and briefly looked at a hole in Carrot's house. "So anyway, where do we start?"
"I don't wanna ruin your mood guys, but if you're going to mess with my girlfriend I'm going to beat you to a pulp, invincibility won't matter," Poldek's wings instantly straightened upon hearing that voice. Sadly, that meant that the voice of reason had to come from an Angel.
"Moonie, sweetie..."
"If you ever call me that again I will stuff your balls so far up your throat that they'll return to their original position."
"I'd like you to consider the situation before you throw any more empty threats," Angel sighed. "Carrot Top is now an alicorn and a Princess of the Carrots or whatever she wanna be called. She's on the way to Canterlot to overthrow the world's government and blast Princesses to Carrot Hell, I guess. Now, while all of this is quite funny and entertaining, the problem is that this mare is as dumb a sack of bones."
"Now listen here you..."
"Let me finish, because you're not any better," Angel took a deep breath. Poldek continued sperging out. "If she succeeds, she will become the ruler. And while blasting all the opposition and being a tyrant is fun, in the long term there's no way to rule like that. First of all, she'll have to take over all of the responsibilities. People don't care that much who rules them, but they'll notice if the sun doesn't rise in the morning - they'll start asking questions and complaining. Thanks to you, we've got a free press now that will be forced to address those issues - if you support Carrot, ponies will turn away from you. If you go against her, well... your relationship won't take it well."
"Besides that," he continued, "there's also a problem with actual management. Canterlot contains a lot of snakes that will gladly offer their help to their new princess. There are many ways to sway someone's favor and manipulate their decisions," Angel leaned closer and whispered to Nightmare. "I've heard there's an active parsley lobby in the palace, just waiting for their chance."
Nightmare Moon stood for a minute silently, taking it all in (phrasing). The silence would be perfect, but Poldek continued grunting in the background for the whole time. Finally, she came[2] to the conclusion.
"Come with me," she said, turning around. Poldek was almost fine, but the sight of that plot rendered him useless again, "we've got to stop this."
***
"Has the Spark among Darkness been lit?" Asked Nightmare Moon, currently adorned with a super sexy dark cape.
"Hey I remember that one." Answered Angel who forgot the cape.
"Shut up and play along. Has the Stand for Light been polished sufficiently?"
"Yeah, sure, it's as clean as my conscience."
"Has the Arcane Gates been closed with all proper ceremonies?"
All three of the ponies looked briefly at a huge hole in the wall.
"Well that's not happening, I can board it up if that helps."
"No, no, that won't be necessary," Nightmare briefly facehoofed, but continued in the same dull, deep voice. "Do you have it?
"Obviously," Angel took out of his cape that he didn't have a curved unicorn horn and placed it next to the cornucopia.
"For fuck's sake Angel. We needed a curved carrot. Where the hell did you get a horn anyway?" Asked Poldek.
"Orphanage."
"Forget that I've asked. Nightmare, is this good enough?"
"I don't know... Carrot would work much better for what we're about to do."
"Well we could just quickly go to your bedroom and snag one of those, they just need a thorough rinsing, preferably in holy water."
"NO!" Shouted Nightmare Moon. "don't you ever come close to our bedroom."
"Oh no need to be ashamed in front of us, we've got everything that happens here on the cameras anyway," Angel pulled out a laptop and looked at one of the videos. "I think a large number 9 will be perfect for our purposes."
"For fuck's sake Angel."
"No... Let's just... Let's just roll with the horn, shall we?" Nightmare sounded exasperated. "I'll delete the cameras, videos and your existence later."
***
"I can't breathe..." wailed Celestia, laying under a giant carrot.
"Is she always like this?" asked Carrot Top, playing a 1v1 on Rust, knives only against Luna for the throne.
"Yeah, she's really bad with celery," responded Luna, doing a 360 no scope with a knife to Carrot's dismay. "It's kinda sad really, that's one of the reasons why her flank is as big as the sun she's rising."
"For the record, I hate both of you," said Celestia and fainted.
And then, there was a flash and Carrot was gone.
"Hurray, all of the illegitimate government funds are finally mine!" Luna pulled out a phone. "Hello, Bobby Kotick? I'm buying your company and you're fucking fired. Idiot."
***
"Hey what the fuck!" said Carrot Top, popping into existence in her kitchen. "I know Luna was going to mop the floor with me but at least I wanted to keep some dignity."
"Hey beauty, we've got matching horns now," Angel slid in Carrot's DMs tactfully. "Wanna bang?"
"Nightmare, after you're done killing this idiot explain to me what just happened."
Nightmare snapped and two stallions were gone.
"Well we had to work fast and I didn't have a carrot, so we've used a horn to bring you back here. And yes, I knew this would happen," pegasus lifted a hoof and slid it over Carrot's new horn, earning a small, happy yelp, "but I thought it would get much more interesting with this thing around."
"And that's why you didn't use a cornucopia to just conjure a carrot?"
"Oh... Well, I didn't think of that."
Carrot sighed and smiled.
"You're my favorite dumb homicidal maniac in the whole Equestria, you know that?"
"Yes :D" said Nightmare Moon.
And then they kissed etc.
***
"For fuck's sake Angel," Poldek was deep in thought. The problem at hoof seemed hard, but nothing is impossible, "couldn't you just shut up for long enough for them to forget about us?"
"It was all planned," Angel smiled and pulled out a laptop. "This way, they have no way of taking the videos away from us."
"Alright genius, and what about coming back home?"
Both stallions looked up. Earth was looking beautiful, since it was a beautiful day and everyone was excited, but it was also very far away.
"Oh, we'll just crash land this thing into Canterlot," shrugged Angel. "By my calculations, if we push from the other side real hard it shouldn't take more than a week."
"Crash land the moon?"
"The moon."
"For fuck's sake Angel."
***
A week later, they crashed into an orphanage.
The end
[1] I'm an adult and I didn't chuckle
[2] See Annotation 1
