Gallus T. Griffon, The Captain of the Guard, smelled like hay, rolled around in mud, and regurgitated by a dragon older than Canterlot. Someone had tried to serve Princess Twilight a pie without clearing it with the proper channels, and Twilight, the naive, doe-eyed, way too trusting in her alicornical ability to metabolize cyanide, Twilight, had eaten it without caring about the consequences.
She’d yelled at Gallus when he slapped the pie out of her telekinetic grip, but in the middle of his rant back at her, she suddenly contracted a massive tummy ache, which meant that, yes, someone had put cyanide into the pie. And what followed was like, eight hours of Gallus and his second-in-command, a pegasus stallion named Talon Tamer, uncovering a whole assassination plot that had ties to the lower rungs of Canterlot nobility and it was going to be a massive mess, so smelling like manure should have been the least of Gallus’s problems.
It wasn’t. Twilight, twisting and turning in her massive bed, had decreed that Gallus should have a month off.
“Why?” he cried. “Are you mad at me for the pie slice? You don’t even like cherry pie!”
“I need you clear-headed, and beside me,” Twilight grunted, curled in on herself. Spike was sitting beside her, cross-legged, and as she talked he dutifully rubbed her stomach and squeezed her hoof. “This is a reward, Gallus.”
“Doesn’t feel like it,” Gallus muttered. He looked away from her, pointedly. “It feels like you’re trying to get rid of me.”
“Don’t you want to see your friends again? Sandbar?”
“Of course I do!” Gallus said, flaring his wings. “I want to see them when I know you’re sitting in this big, stupid, fancily furnished room, and there aren’t a bunch of ponies trying to kill you with pies!”
“It’s a tummy ache,” Twilight said. “It’s likely an act of spite. The world already knows I can drink cyanide after what happened with Princess Celestia at the Grand Galloping Gala. Nopony is trying to kill me.”
Gallus tried to protest further, but Twilight’s mind was set.
So here he was. In the shower. Washing dirt and roof-tile debris and Grover knows what else off his coat. Oh, and Talon Tamer was there, too, blabbering on about birds, as usual.
“I came across another blue goshawk last time the Princess forced us to take a break from work,” Talon Tamer said.
“That’s nice,” Gallus said.
That should have been a sufficient answer, but as he began to lather his chest with soap, he could still feel his second’s eyes on him.
Gallus already knew where this was going. “Talon, you cannot take my blood.”
“Why not!” Talon said, flaring his wings and splashing water onto Gallus’s side.
“I know what I am and that’s that,” Gallus said. “I am well aware of everything in my life, because I’m very smart, and I don’t need to do any dumb tests which’ll do nothing for me except to give some snobby noble something else to say to Twilight about my position, which I did not earn through cronyism.”
“I just want to see how much bird is in you,” Talon said.
“Enough, and less than you’d think,” Gallus said.
“That’s true, you’re more catty than squawky,” Talon said. “Unless you’re really angry. Then you’re equal parts.”
Gallus glared at Talon, but Talon was whistling innocently to himself as he let the shower spray cascade over one of his wings.
Talon Tamer’s special talent was in training falcons and other raptors for special tasks. He reminded Gallus of Professor Fluttershy, if she could only talk to birds, and didn’t understand the idea that you shouldn’t say whatever is on your mind at all times, and was a complete pain in the tail.
“How does your husband handle you?” Gallus asked.
“Booklung can more accurately detect the sentiment behind what I say,” Talon Tamer said.
“Ocellus still hates it when I say things wrong,” said Gallus.
“Well, Ocellus is a diplomat and a giant nerd,” Talon Tamer said. “Booklung was a warrior drone and is eternally chill.”
Gallus laughed. “What are you going to get up to?”
“Normal things,” Talon Tamer said. “Cuddle in bed for three hours, go get some fast food, see a movie, walk through the park and talk about old memories. Then we’ll go see our other friends and play board games until Booklung gets so mad that Sour Cola is winning Monopony even though she’s literally a business mogul that he’ll need to be sedated with cider, popcorn and a bad movie, and then I suspect we’ll stumble home and sleep together until the next day, and basically repeat ourselves, with slight variations in the activities.”
“That sounds nice,” Gallus said. “Actually, that’s basically what I get up to with Sandbar whenever I go to Ponyville.”
“Whenever you’re off work,” said Talon Tamer.
“What do you mean?”
“Whenever you’re not in Canterlot, protecting the Princess, you’re in Ponyville with Sandbar.”
“No,” Gallus said, but wasn’t sure why he felt so much need to object in the first place. “No, Talon. I’m not that boring.”
“You’re kind of boring,” said Talon Tamer. “Not in the bad way. You’re simply predictable and mundane.”
“Take that back right now, or I’m having you run laps,” Gallus said.
“I’ll tell the union,” said Talon Tamer.
“I like a routine,” Gallus said. “I’m a royal guard. Sue me.”
“Only if you make me do laps for no reason,” said Talon Tamer.
Gallus jabbed a talon at Talon Tamer. “I went to Mount Aris right after Twilight sent me on leave, once!”
“That was three summers ago,” Talon Tamer said. “You also went to Ponyville for three weeks, after spending one hanging out with Silverstream.”
“What else am I going to do?” Gallus asked.
“The Dragonlands, to visit Lady Smolder. Or her home in the Badlands hive, to spend time with her and Ocellus both. You could go to the Crystal Empire, to see Cozy Glow in that fancy prison cell they put her in. You could go to Manehattan, and catch up with Yona.”
“Everyone minus Cozy always goes to Ponyville anyway,” Gallus said. “I’m just cutting to the chase. Besides, Sandbar’s lonely! He needs someone.”
“Somegriff,” Talon Tamer said. “Which brings me to the most fascinating thing about this conversation and every one we’ve had of similar ilk: you’re very casual and relaxed when you talk about hanging out with one of the girls, but every time I point out that you and Sandbar spend the most time together—”
“You’re making it sound like I play favorites,” Gallus said. “I don’t like that.”
“Sandbar’s not your favorite, Captain,” said Talon Tamer. “He’s not even your friend.”
Gallus bristled, but Talon raised a hoof. “That was poorly worded,” he said. “What I meant was, you and him are very obviously…you know.”
Gallus narrowed his eyes. “What?”
“You know!” Talon said.
“No?” Gallus tilted his head.
“You know?” Talon said, but raised a limp hoof.
And then it hit Gallus, and his fur fluffed up like a pile of cotton in the presence of ball lightning. “Talon. Absolutely not.”
“Sir,” Talon said, starting to wash his tail. “Absolutely, sir.”
“I’m not in love with Sandbar!” Gallus said.
“Love is a label that two individuals agree to apply to a relationship,” Talon Tamer said. “Who do you write the most letters to? Who do you think of telling when you see something beautiful? Or something terrifying? If I asked you to close your eyes and imagine someone’s home, and their bed and the way that they smell, who comes to mind?”
Sandbar! Gallus wanted to laugh, especially as Talon Tamer went on. Sandbar. Imagine that. Him and—and Sandbar. Sweet, silly, ditzy Sandbar. Sandbar, never remembering who ‘Deez’ was. Sandbar, who always paid for Gallus’s dinner whenever he visited, and no one else. Sandbar, who would rub Gallus’s back whenever he felt sick and had to throw up in their old dorm bathroom. Sandbar, who would always cry whenever Gallus went back to Canterlot.
No. No.
“How long have you known each other?” Talon Tamer asked.
And Gallus thought, he was the first pony I ever talked to at school. He was nervous, at first, especially with how Gruff never stopped squawking about how awful ponies were, but then he ran into Sandbar, who was just—stupid. And Gallus had felt better.
“We’re not dating,” Gallus said.
“No,” said Talon Tamer. “You’re just soulmates.”
“He’s nothing like me.”
“That’s what you need,” Talon Tamer said. “You need someone who doesn’t burn themselves at work for months on end, who you can come back to and who reminds you of home. That’s why you go to Ponyville. Sandbar’s not lonely. He lives in a city with Pinkie Pie. And he always has you to wait for.”
“We’re best friends,” Gallus said.
“Booklung is my best friend,” Talon Tamer said. “And he’s who I spend all my time with. Here’s a thought: when someone says, ‘You and ‘BLANK’ are always together’ to you, who is ‘BLANK’?”
And Gallus thought of Sandbar, yet again. Him and Sandbar, studying in their dorm at school. Him and Sandbar, in the house that he and Yona bought to share before Rarity offered Yona the Manehattan Carousel Boutique. Thinking of Sandbar always made Gallus sad. That’s why he always came back to Ponyville first.
Him and Sandbar pouring piles of hayfries into a basket and eating them in the park until they felt sick. Him and Sandbar hiking through the Everfree until they got to the Castle of the Two Sisters, and him flying Sandbar up to the roof of it so they could look at the rest of the forest from high up.
Gallus thought of all the times him and Smolder had fought, because it was a lot, and he thought of how he’d run away and wander Ponyville’s pubs until sunrise, and how he would always go back to Sandbar’s place and forget that he was supposed to be sleeping on the couch, and then he’d wake up in Sandbar’s bed, with Sandbar’s legs wrapped around him, and that wasn’t weird because they were friends—
—but Gallus didn’t like hugs. He indulged in group hugs when the moments were right, and he hugged the girls briefly whenever they met up after being apart for long, but he wasn’t the type to cuddle.
Not ever. He never felt safe.
“Oh no,” Gallus said.
“You were staring at the wall for a while there,” said Talon Tamer. “I was afraid I caused you to have another psychotic break.”
“That was the evil scepter we found,” Gallus said. “Not you. Talon, have I been in love with my best friend for like, seven years?”
“It’s possible, sir.”
“Now I feel bad,” Gallus said. “If we were dating that whole time, I could probably propose now.”
“You could do so anyway,” Talon Tamer said. “I feel like Sandbar would find that funny.”
“Maybe,” Gallus said. “Thank you, Talon.”
Talon waved him off. “It’s nothing, sir. We often take things for granted when they’re around us for so long. What life is, is remembering the beautiful things around you.”
“That’s pretty,” Gallus said. “You should be a poet.”
“I should be richer,” Talon said.
“What?”
“Can I have a raise?” Talon asked.
Gallus furrowed his brow. “Is that why you brought this up?”
“One hundred percent. You ever notice how I just go home, and you have the freedom to go anywhere you want, when we go on leave? I need more money,” Talon said. “I’m also a very good friend.”
Gallus sighed. “Only if you help me decide what to say to Sandbar.”
“Yes sir,” Talon Tamer said. “Sure thing, sir.”
Author's Note
Winner of the 2023 Quills and Sofas Gay Speedwriting Contest. let me have this i'm very proud
