My wings bristle in the cold air as I land outside my cloud house. Tall walls of fluffy white, cast into shadow by the pale light of Luna's moon, stand tall in front of me. It is my humble solitude, my sanctuary, my place to rest and relax and get away from a day's work and responsibilities.
But it is also my prison.
I step inside, shivering a little from the night air, but warming up quickly in the magic heating integrated throughout the walls. A quick glance to my right brings a gentle smile to my face; Tank sits curled within his shell in his own soft, little basket. In the dark of night, I can almost catch the faint, violet twinkles floating around him, indicating Twilight's cloud-walking spell is still fighting its ongoing war with gravity for him.
I reach up with a hoof to brush my mane aside, allowing my gaze to fall upon the countless trophies and medals littering the nearby shelf. A stray beam of moonlight streaks through the window and falls upon them, showering the walls and ceiling in a splash of golden stars. So many accomplishments, so many accolades, so many achievements, by the one and only Rainbow Dash.
That's me, right? Rainbow Dash... is my name.
Instinctively, I give my still open wings a brief flap, and I shudder from the chill breeze that brushes my coat and feathers. That same cyan fur, that same prismatic mane, those same rose eyes that shine brightly through the newspaper clippings, stare back at me in the glass that frames them.
I am Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash is me.
But who is Rainbow Dash?
She's the most loyal, the most dependable, the most awesome pony in Equestria. She's brave and she's confident, she's stubborn and she's arrogant, she's strong and she's fierce. She's everything I've ever wished I could be.
But... I'm not that Rainbow Dash. That Rainbow Dash isn't me.
I'm always scared that my friends will know, that they'll find out how scared and meek and timid I really am underneath it all. Fluttershy might as well be a steadfast dragon compared to who I am. I'm scared they'll leave me, leave me all alone.
I hate being alone.
When I first arrived at flight camp all those years ago as a filly, I had no one. No friends to hide behind, no mom or dad to stay with me to make sure I'd be fine. All they said was I'd do great, that I would be a great flier and easily make all the friends. I didn't believe them.
On that first day was when I saw Fluttershy, saw her being picked on and teased for not flying as confidently. I wanted so badly to go to her and tell her she wasn't the only one, that it's okay to be scared and hide away from everything. But how can I tell her that if I can hardly believe it myself.
So for the first time in my life, and for many many years to come, I decided to pretend.
I thought of a powerful pegasus, twice my height, wings stretching wide and as far as the eyes could see. She would wear a cocky grin, eyes teeming with confidence. She would be the greatest flyer in all of Equestria. Nobody could ever touch her. Nobody could ever hurt her.
I pretended to be her. I pretended to be her when I defended her from the bullies. I pretended to be her when I raced against the bullies. I pretended to be her as I did the impossible and split the sky open with a brilliant explosion, filling the air and my flanks with a beautiful rainbow.
I thought maybe if I pretend hard enough, I'd become her. That the mask I decided to wear would become who I am, who I'm meant to be.
But it never happened.
As the years went on, I continued to pretend. I pretended to be the awesome pony they all looked up to. She was the one who would go on to save Equestria countless times, the one who had nothing to fear, the one who would pose for the cameras as she saved yet another helpless filly from a well. She was the one who would move the Ponyville, construct her own cloud house, lead the weather team, and find a group of such wonderful friends like Applejack, Rarity, Twilight, Spike, Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash would have it all, everything she ever wanted.
I pretended to laugh and brag during picnics with my friends. I pretended to smile and wave at random ponies who glanced in my direction. I pretended to seek adventure, thrill, pretended to be reckless and carefree, pretended to be something, anything, that wasn't me.
I hoped if I pretended long enough, I could eventually lay down at night and look back on what the day had brought and what Rainbow Dash had done and think to myself, yes that was all me. That's who I am from the bottom of my heart. I was the one that cracked those jokes, that pranked my friends, that annoyed them and saved them and impressed them and protected them.
But it never happens.
Because when the day is over and the sun sets, I'm still the one that returns home. The one that looks along the wall at all the amazing things Rainbow Dash has done, all the lives she's touched, all the records she's broken.
She's not me. I'm not her.
I built a life around a lie. Sometimes, I don't know what parts of it are Rainbow Dash and what parts are me. The world didn't accept me, but it did accept Rainbow Dash. It accepted the lie.
I slowly ascend the stairs that Rainbow Dash sculpted together with gentle precision. My hooves brush against the soft cloud floor that Rainbow Dash patted down with her own hooves. I tiredly stumble my way into the bedroom that Rainbow Dash sketched and designed and molded with love, with a single, soft bed waiting for me in the middle.
This house is where I am most comfortable.
But it is also my prison.
For whenever I step out the doors to face the blues of the sky and the greens of the earth, to face my friends, my family, even my fans, I cannot be me. I am not the one they know, the one they speak with and laugh with and hug and cry with. I must remain away, while Rainbow Dash flies and soars through the sky to greet the day with a smile.
I fold my wings tightly to my sides and climb into bed. I settle into the blankets and pillows Rainbow Dash commissioned from Rarity, the ones imbued with cloud-walking enchantments thanks to Twilight, the ones she wraps around Fluttershy when she needed a strong shoulder to cry on, the ones she lends to Applejack when they would waste each other way on cider-drinking competitions, the ones she has to constantly retrieve whenever Pinkie Pie mysteriously sneaks into her house to steal. They are Rainbow Dash's friends. But they are also my friends. The ones I think of every night when I sleep, the ones I dream of welcoming me with open hooves for who I am.
Sometimes I dream of going back in time. Sometimes it's when I first met Twilight on the Summer Sun celebration. Sometimes it's when I first met Applejack earlier that year's cider harvest season. Sometimes it's when I first met Fluttershy all the way back on the first day of flight camp.
And I dream of going up to them, me! Not Rainbow Dash! Not the brave, strong, fearless pegasus, but me, and restarting my life from there.
But it's too late.
The world has its Rainbow Dash now. Rainbow Dash is all any of them know. And if I can't be that pony, who else will?
I slip under the covers and rest my head gently on the pillow, letting my mane splay out like colorful streaks.
I close my eyes, and I let the mask slip away from my mind.
I am no longer Rainbow Dash. I am me.
Tears begin to flow from my eyes, following the same lines they follow every night, but I don't hold them back.
Rainbow Dash doesn't cry. But I do. I cry so Rainbow Dash doesn't.
I clutch the blanket to me tighter with my hooves.
I've spent so long pretending, hiding behind my mask.
Who am I without it? Am... I?
I don't know...
I don't know...
I don't know...
Author's Note
vent story
