"Twily: A Love Ballad"

by MisterEdd

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Cadance, Flurry Heart, Comedy, King Sombra, Shining Armor, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Romance
Length: 1812

King Sombra has finally conquered the Crystal Empire and has the Element Bearers captive. That leaves only one piece of unfinished business...

It has actually happened.

King Sombra, the merciless tyrant and dark sorcerer, now rules over the Crystal Empire. What's more, he is holding not only its royal family hostage but also the only six mares (and one dragon) that can stop him. What dastardly plan does the cold-blooded despot have in store? Why, a song, of course!

*A parody inspired by the song "Peaches" from the recent The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Spoiler: Contains Twibra and Sexy King Sombra

Suck it, Flashlighters!

Published 2023-07-21 04:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-07-21 04:30:00 UTC

"King Sombra Presents..."

The dark unicorn peered out over his kingdom and reveled in his conquest.

Finally, after a thousand years of languishing in the darkness, nothing more than a literal ghost of his former self, he prevailed in his mission of dominating the Frozen North. Neither the Royal Sisters, nor even death itself could bind him, the Crystal Heart's destruction of his physical form a mere set-back. His was an ironclad determination, one that enabled his spirit to escape the Nether-realm and slowly re-assemble his mortal body piece by piece. Then, when the time was right, King Sombra assaulted the Crystal Empire, though not by an obvious tactic like, say, a huge bucking army of mind-controlled ponies that could be seen advancing a mile away, thereby alerting his targets and allowing them to summon aid. No, he relied upon a more subtle, crafty stratagem, a genius plot that was worthy of the greatest military minds of Equestrian history.

He knocked on the front door.

An oversimplification, to be certain, but that was the basic gist. Stalking a wandering salespony, King Sombra possessed the hapless fool and used him to bypass the Crystal Heart's omnipresent magical barrier. Once inside, he slowly began to psychically infect the royal guards, filling their simple minds with post-hypnotic suggestions, turning them into his own personal band of sleeper agents. Rather than immediately strike, he waited until the six Element Bearers arrived in the Crystal Empire for some kind of tournament or competition. Only when his foes were all in one place, specifically the castle throne room, did he enact his diabolical plan, siccing his royal guard mind-slaves on the hapless group.

Oh, the looks on their faces was priceless!

Especially hers...

King Sombra turned away from the window.

Twilight Sparkle, or should I say, "Princess"?

It all began when the spectral pony-warlock was assaulting the Crystal Empire, only the waning power of a young alicorn barring him from reaching his ultimate goal. While slipping past the love princess' magic dome and terrorizing the crystal ponies, he'd received a vision, a psionic image depicting an unknown mare activating the trap within the castle's tallest tower. Despite all odds, this interloper had managed to find the secret entrance and resist the illusions generated by King Sombra's remote fear-generated glamour spell. Who was this seemingly random and otherwise inconsequential peasant that dared to intrude upon his personal property? And how did she know the means to activate the switch to the throne room's secret entrance, thereby finding a way to the Crystal Heart's location?

What he glimpsed was brief but it had been burned into his very soul.

Violet, glimmering eyes, a gorgeous purple coat, a look of fierce determination...

Even as King Sombra was being ripped apart by the love-magic of the Crystal Heart, he had only one thought inside of his rapidly deteriorating head:

Who is this mystery mare and how do I make her mine?

Marching through the hallways, King Sombra began his descent into the lower bowers of the castle, searching for the one who ignited this fire inside of his diseased heart...

~*~

The dungeon of the Crystal Palace was a glittering, pristine cavern constructed entirely out of smoky gray white and blue quartz, painstakingly carved and erected through an unknown process by builders long since dead and reduced to ash. Given that it had fallen into disuse over the past millennium, the dungeon was formerly a dismal, filth-coated desert of dust-bunnies, cobwebs the size of small wagons strewn about the massive room like trees. That is, until Princess Cadence ordered it to be cleaned out and meticulously scrubbed in order to match the rest of the newly-renovated castle. Neither, she nor her husband Shining Armor had ever anticipated that they and their infant daughter Flurry Heart would find themselves stuffed inside of a ceiling-to-floor charoite cage. All three of their horns, along with Cadence's and Flurry's wings, were coated with black magic crystals that somehow negated their magic, leaving them with no means of escape.

To make matters worse, the family wasn't the only prisoners locked up in this pit of despair.

King Sombra, who had somehow returned from the dead, managed to mind-control the royal guards into capturing them, the six element bearers-Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack and Fluttershy-as well as their dragon companion Spike. The seven had a cage next to the royal family, complete with black crystals on their horns, wings, and hooves, with Spike being forced to wear a metal muzzle as well as a crystalline collar. Before any of them could properly react, King Sombra had sprung his trap, incapacitating the group and banishing them to the dungeon, where they awaited whatever awful fate the monster-in-pony-form had in mind for them. Oddly, the king decided to spare their lives instead of outright executing them, nor did he try mentally subjugating them the same way he did with the guards. Then again, villains typically kept them alive, presumably for the sole purpose of bragging rights.

"Well, we're up in a tree without a ladder," Pinkie Pie sighed aloud.

"That's not how that expression goes," Rarity corrected her friend. "But yes, in essence."

"Ooh, just wait until I get a hold of that jerk," Rainbow Dash growled. "I'm going to-..."

"What, exactly?"

At that moment, the "jerk" in question made his appearance at the top of the stairway leading to the castle's upper levels. He was massive for a pony, standing even taller than Big Mackintosh, his semi-reflective crimson eyes staring over at the pegasus in a stoic manner. King Sombra strode towards the cages, every heavy armored step clink-clacking against the malachite floor, a slightly amused smirk crossing his lips and partially revealing the fangs that jutted from his upper jaw. His whole demeanor was casual, unimpressed even, giving him the air of someone that didn't even care that he was in a dungeon. As far as the king was concerned, he might as well be lazily strolling on the sidewalk or filing his taxes in a small cottage somewhere.

"Aside from continuing to move that useless clap-trap?"

King Sombra's speaking voice, once an ethereal raspy boom, was now slightly higher in tone, though still deep and possessed an underlying smoothness to the timber that made him sound gruffly refined and almost strangely seductive. Rainbow scowled but said nothing.

"I take it this is the part where you ransom us?" Princess Cadence guessed.

King Sombra's gaze was momentarily focused on Twilight before he acknowledged the speaker.

"I'd considered that. After all, I'm sure Princess Celestia would do everything in her power to rescue her niece, the trophy husband, their tot, the Elements of Harmony, the drakeservant and her prized pupil."

Twilight shuddered, then raised her head high.

"What do you want, Sombra?"

The king stopped in the center of the room, regarding her with an undefined expression.

"You know, it's funny that you ask that question. I came here because you have something that I want."

"M-me? What are you talking about?"

King Sombra chuckled, a rich rumbling emitting from his chest.

"You are precisely what I want, specifically, your heart."

Shining Armor gripped the bars of his cage.

"If you hurt my sister, I'll-..."

"'Hurt'? Who said anything about hurting her?"

Princess Cadence was puzzled.

"But you said you wanted her heart. Is it for some kind of whacked-out dark ritual?"

"I meant it metaphorically," King Sombra almost spat in disgust. "You modern folk still have figures of speech, do you not?"

Twilight cocked her head. "I don't understand. What do you mean then?"

King Sombra's smile grew. "I'm glad you asked! Let me explain. No, I'll show you..."

His odd, curved horn radiated with purple and green energy before releasing it in a burst of "dark light".

When the light faded, they found themselves staring at...a piano?

Sliding into the seat, King Sombra began delicately tapping the keys.

No bucking way...

"Please tell me he's not gonna start singin'," Applejack said with a face-hoof.

King Sombra's eyes met Twilight's, an oddly warm smile crossing his lips.

"I dedicate this song to my future wife: Princess Twilight Sparkle..."

"Your what?!"

Ignoring Princess Cadence, King Sombra began in a low tone:

"Twi-light, don’t you see?
More than a prin-cess, you’re a queen
Twi-light, since the start
You wove a spell o-ver my coal-black heart!"

Immediately, Twilight's cheeks darkened to a beet-red hue.

"Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily
Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily
I lo-o-ove yooou, oh!"

This has to be a joke. Twilight thought to herself. Th-there's no way...

"Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily
Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily
I lo-o-ove yooou, oh!"

Everyone present was captivated, though whether it was by the king's singing or the sheer insanity of the situation, no one could say for certain. Throughout the whole performance, King Sombra's gaze never left Twilight's.

"The El-em-ents and Roy-al Sis-ters as well
The whole of Canterlot and the forces of Hell
Twilight Sparkle, there’s no force that could keep you from me
You’re my des-tin-y, oh!"

"Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily
Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily
I lo-o-ove you, oh
Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily
Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily
I lo-o-ove you, oh!"

"Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily
Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily, Twily
I lo-o-ove you, oh!"

"Twily, Twily
Twiliight, Twiliiiiiiiiight!"

King Sombra's hooves stomped on the keys in a grand finish.

"So tell me, what did you think?"

He turned to his literally captive audience in order to inspect the fruit of his labor and what he found was unexpected to say the least. Both Princess Cadence and Shining Armor had hearts inside of their eyes, a confused Flurry Heart snapping her head back and forth to peer at both parents. Applejack was biting the brim of her stetson while Pinkie Pie's tongue was lolling out of her mouth, a thin layer of drool dripping down to the floor. Rainbow Dash, who previously had been giving King Sombra a vicious stink eye, was now pressing her hoof to her mouth and energetically whistling. The formerly silent Fluttershy was clapping and screeching like a madmare while Rarity was fanning herself off, much to the dismay of an incensed Spike, the little dragon angrily snorting out smoke.

As for Twilight Sparkle, there was a tiny stream of hearts popping above her head and somehow, she had managed to get a hold of a bridal veil and a bouquet of red and black roses.

"Marry me..." She intoned amorously.

King Sombra grinned victoriously.

It was good to be the king...

~The End~

Author's Note

There you have it: a shameless parody of a popular YouTube/Tiktok song that was released months ago and I'm only now doing something with it. You're welcome(?).

Lyrics by me.

Love ya, Jack Black! :heart: 🤘

JackBlackPeachesGrammyNow