The water reflected like a mirror the tall, thin trees. Bits of dead wood stuck out from it. Naked, spindly limbs stretched over it. So did one other thing: the head of a pony. Her back was hunched and her face was lowered. She had shuffled, tripping over roots buried in leaves, to the water’s edge. Her brow was taut. Her mouth was trembling. She opened her eyes. They shone with tears. She looked into the pool and blinked at her reflection. She sniffed and pressed her eyes shut again, as though to protect them. She stood, shuddering and swallowing, and said eventually: ‘Well, I couldn’t help it. Why? Because I’m the worst.’ She spoke as though a friend sat beside her, yet no one else was there.
‘How many times am I going to let her do it to me? To the others! She keeps getting away with it! I keep getting away with it! I’m there, helping her! I’m – I’m – you know what I am! Worse! Worse! Much worse! She’s bad, and she is bad. That’s why she does it! I’m – what am I? Go on! Say it! Say it!’
The forest did not reply, yet the pony flinched as though it had bellowed a burning truth. ‘Yes,’ she gasped. ‘A coward. Coward. Coward. And that’s it! That’s mine! My “why”, and that’s the worst “why” of them all! The very worst! The fuel of all evil in the world, cowardice, cowardice! My c— oh, you stupid – just – stupid. Stupid idiot. You stupid, stupid fool.’ She spat into the water at her face. She bit her lip until she grimaced, until it bled. She spat again. Bloody spit floated from its ripple toward the centre of the pool. She watched its progress, her eyes glistening, her teeth bared.
‘Huh! Don’t; don’t! I know what I am. You can’t tell me it’s her any more than I can. What would she be without me or any of her bullies? It takes more than one. Why? Why? Why can’t I just – why? Tell me! Why do I let it happen? Why can’t it end? I’m scared! Yes, we’ve heard that! She’ll do it to me again! She’ll turn me back into the loser who’s scared of bugs! So what? So what? Aren’t I? What’s wrong? Why can’t I face it? That’s who I am, right? Let them laugh! I deserve it! I’ve laughed! I laugh at them all, the “losers”, the “blank flanks”, the “idiots”. Hah! Me! The biggest one! Why am I such a weak, useless, pointless, useless, stinking coward –’
Her hoof crashed into her face. She kicked and kicked. Water flew, rattling the surface of the pool like bullets. Once she stopped kicking, she breathed in and screamed. Her anger shot across the ripples and died among the trees. She started to cry.
‘W-what sort of stupidity is this? What is it? I’m so weak and just – pointless. What a sad joke. What a waste. What a stupid waste. A sad waste of life. That’s how this is! How it ends! All in tears! Always in my tears! What a stupid waste –’ She choked and held her face. ‘Drowning in it! Well, I might as well do it properly! I might as well!’ She stepped forward. A hoof entered the pool. She closed her eyes and winced.
‘Yes, I know; I know,’ she snapped. ‘You too! Huh! But of course you’d say that, wouldn’t you? Everyone “cares”. Yeah. Right. They always “care”, but it’s only when you’re here, at the end, that they would tell you – let alone show you!’ She swallowed. She opened her eyes. ‘Sorry, Pepper. I didn’t mean that. Not about you, anyway. You know that.’ She pulled her hoof out of the water. Its ripple glided slowly apart. She took a step backward.
‘Then what do I do? Run away? Is that it? You’re right, I suppose. I might as well. It’s not as though anyone will miss me. It’s not as though I’ll miss myself. New place, new pony, right? Well, I hope so. It had better be. Otherwise –’ She tilted her head toward the pool. ‘Oh, what am I even saying? Where am I going to go? What am I going to do? It’s just pointless. Maybe when I’m older – when we’re out of school –’ She sighed. ‘Hang in. Change. Yeah. Easy for you to say. Easy to say. Maybe it’s as easy to do, really, if you aren’t a coward. Well, that’s me done, then, isn’t it? Change. Change.’
She folded her legs and slumped down onto the mud and the leaves, shaking her head. ‘But you’re right. It’s the only thing. It’s got to be done. If I don’t, well – you know. So, it has to be done. I’ll do it. Hah. Will I? Well, I’ve got to!’ She watched the water settle. ‘Sorry. Sorry, Apple Bloom. Sorry, Scootaloo. Sweetie Belle. And sorry to you too, Twist. And Snips, Snails, Pipsqueak. All of you. Sorry, Silver Spoon, you little idiot. Idiot! Pepper, you as well. I’m sorry. You know why. You know. They all know. All of them do. For my absolute stupidity. How have they let me get away with it? Perhaps they haven’t. Perhaps this is it, right? Happy little moments like this –’ She snorted. ‘My punishment. Have I paid it off? Am I free now? Is that how it works? What’s next? I can just – “change”, and that’ll be that? But it’s got to be done. Got to. Thanks, Pepper. Thank you. For putting up with this.’ She sighed, closed her eyes and breathed. The water was still again. She rose and stared down at herself. ‘I promise,’ she said, ‘never to hurt any of you again. Even if it hurts me. Even thoughit will hurt me. I promise. I do. I promise.’ She swallowed, nodded and turned.
But she had stood there many times before – and many times before had spoken the same words.
