Rainbow Dash vs Chair

by 6-D Pegasus

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity, Random
Length: 1347

Rainbow must fight an evil chair that attacks her!

Rainbow must fight an evil chair that attacks her! (it is very evil)

Written as part of a personal speedwriting challenge with goal of "writing bad intentionally". I didn't exactly succeed but this exists now.

Now with an audio-reading by StraightToThePointStudio!

Published 2023-07-25 15:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-07-25 15:10:00 UTC

Rainbow VS THE CHAIR

Rainbow Dash flew lazily in a circle. Clouds circled overhead. The sun was really hot and Rainbow knew it.

She knew it too well.

...now she was thirsty.

"Thanks Celestia" Rainbow grumbled as she descended down to Ponyville. Upon landing, she folded her wings tightly to her side and gazed around town.

No, I don't need peanuts. No, I don't need any sofas. No, I don't need extra quills. I just need-

Her gaze fell upon a water stand in the distance.

Aha! Water! Sweet, sweet, amazing, wonderful water!

Rainbow's tongue lolled out of her mouth in pure desire to quench her thirst. She stretched her wings open and took off towards the-

BONK!

"Ow! What the-?"

Rainbow tumbled and rolled through the dirt before skidding to a stop. Quickly, she climbed back to her hooves and glared back to what had just tripped her.

A green, unoccupied lawn chair sat completely undisturbed.

"Who put this lawn chair in the middle of the freaking street?!"

All the other towns ponies glanced awkwardly at each other, some shuffling on their hooves and others backing away, trying to hide themselves from her piercing gaze.

"Well?!"

"It was me, Rainbow."

Rainbow blinked in surprise. "What?! Wha- who said that?"

"I did."

Rainbow looked down and to her horror, realized the voice was coming from the lawn chair. Its disembodied voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once.

"That's right, Rainbow. I am the dark force of Njendfec, and I seek to destroy all of Equestria! However, my banishment has left me in a weakened state. So, I have possessed this lawn chair and slowly moved myself to this very spot so that, hours later, you would unwittingly fall into the trap and stub your hoof on my unyielding surface. In your injury, you will be too weak to stop me and I will be able to possess you and destroy Celestia and her infernal sister forever!"

Rainbow blinked. "I mean, that sounds cool, but like, you're a lawn chair."

The lawn chair lawn-chair'd. "Okay? And?"

Rainbow cocked her head. "I mean, you can't do anything, you're an inanimate object."

The lawn chair began to glow and vibrate evilly. "That's what you think! Over the many years, I have gained access to much more powerful abilities! OBSERVE!"

The lawn chair began slowly moving towards Rainbow Dash, no visible force in sight. Against all likelihoods, the chair inched closer and closer, all the while the evil force laughed maniacally as-

"Okay nice, you can move by yourself. I can just... walk away."

To prove her point, Rainbow casually trotted a few body lengths away and immediately quadrupled the distance between her and the chair.

"I see. You are extremely clever, blue pegasus. You have my respect."

"I just walked awa-"

"HOWEVER! I imagine you did not foresee THIS coming!"

Suddenly, the lawn chair folded and fell flat to the ground. For what seemed like an eternity, everyone stared at the flat chair in silence until it unfolded itself rapidly and dove towards Rainbow, colliding straight with her head.

"Wha- ow!"

The chair let out another deep chuckle. "How's that?! You thought you could get away, but you didn't think I could actually leap using the folding mechanics of this prison! Now there's nowhere you can hide, nowhere you can run, where I can't follow you! You are doomed!"

Rainbow scuffed awkwardly on her hooves.

"Well?! Tremble in fear! There is nothing you can do to stop me!"

Rainbow unfurled her wings and took to the air, bringing herself to a hover at about a two-story building's height off the ground. She peered down curiously at the chair.

"... get back down here."

Rainbow scoffed. "What?! Now you want me to come down?"

"Yes, this is cheating."

Rainbow roared in laughter. "Cheating?! You want to take over my body and destroy the princesses, how is me flying away from you cheating in any way?! This isn't even a game!"

The chair sat there menacingly. "Nuh huh."

"What is that even supposed to me-"

"RAINBOW!"

Rainbow's ears perked and she looked to the right to see a familiar white unicorn rushing over to her. Taking care to avoid the menacingly evil lawn chair, she returned to the ground near her friend."Hey Rarity, what's up?"

"You need to marry me right now!"

Rainbow blinked in confusion. "Ma- marry you? We're not even dating!"

Rarity fell to her hind legs and latched onto Rainbow desperately. "You HAVE to! I don't have enough bits to pay my taxes unless I file jointly with a partner, and you're my only hope!"

Rainbow laughed. "Really, Rares? For taxes? I'd love to help you, but not like tha-"

"YOU MUST!" Rarity leaned in a little closer and brought her voice down to a whisper. "I know you spent an exceedingly high amount of bits this week on Daring Do merchandise and you haven't done your taxes either. Believe me, darling, I do my research."

Rainbow's eyes shrank to pinpricks. "How do you kno-, whatever! I'll figure something out! But I'm not going to enter a life-long binding and affectionate agreement with you just to avoid a single year of slightly missed taxes! I won't have time for the Wonderbolts!"

The chair flopped uselessly in the distance as it tried to slowly close the distance. "You cannot escape me, blue pony. I will devour your-"

Rainbow put a hoof up to shush the spirit. "Not helping, go away." Rainbow turned back to Rarity. "And don't you have a crush on Trenderhoof anyways?"

Rarity glanced to the side. "I- no, I got over him!"

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Then why do I see Spike occasionally carry in new pictures of him to your boutique?"

"HE DOES NO-, I mean, that is completely false. Because I want you! I love you, Rainbow Dash!" Rarity dived crazily for Rainbow, her lips puckered, but Rainbow quickly round-house kicked her to the ground.

"I AM GOING TO EAT YOUR SOUL!"

Rainbow moved to shush the spirit again, but then an idea flashed through her mind. "Oh, I got it, Rares!"

She dragged the barely conscious Rarity over to the lawn chair, which continued to sit there.

"Rarity, you marry the weird lawn chair spirit thing, and file your taxes jointly with him. And, um, chair person, you can take over Rarity's body through marriage because that's pretty much what marriage is isn't it?"

Both chair and unicorn snapped up. "THAT IS NOT-"

Rainbow clapped her hooves together to silence them. "Perfect! All good? All good! Now I need that water!" She opened her wings and took off for the water fountain, leaving Rarity and the chair to stare at each other. Eventually, Rarity began blushing.

"So, Mister lawn chair, what do... you like to do on summer days?"

The lawn chair began to answer, but Rainbow was too far away to hear. Finally, at long last, she reached the water fountain. She grabbed a paper cup in her hoof and placed it under the spout, using her nose to push the button to let the stream of cool, glistening... nothing out.

"What?! Where's the water?!"

Rarity piped up from the distance. "Sorry darling, I drank the last of it after I poured it into my ice cream while crying about my taxes!"

Rainbow grumbled to herself. "...thanks Celestia."

Author's Note

written in exactly 30 minutes (not including story creation, description, tagging, and cover art, which took a total of 1-2 minutes). No editing/proofreading

A friend told me it's hard to write terrible intentionally so I said bet and here we are after 30 minutes of my life forever gone that I'm never getting back and I'll probably forget what the heck I wrote here by the time this thing becomes public

I failed the challenge :c, from multiple pre-readers noting it reads more nonsensical and trying to be bad, but not actually coming across as poorly written.

You were right, Pi, writing bad intentionally is an art!