The Princess of Friendship... With Benefits?

by Spyder27

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 3991

Twilight is the master of friendship. At least she thinks she is. When she learns about a new type of friendship, she drives herself crazy to find out what it means.

Princess Twilight Sparkle knows all about friendship. As a result, her former mentor has asked her to do a presentation about friendship in front of her and other nobles. Twilight takes this as seriously as she can, but when she practices her presentation in front of one of her friends, she finds out about a form of friendship she never knew about. Now it is her responsibility to learn more about it at all costs.

...the only problem is that she doesn't know exactly what it means to be friends with benefits.

Thanks to my sleep deprived mind for giving me this awful idea~! I thought it would be fun to write a little shitpost with a play on words as a title. This is also my first fic that isn't based in the world of Equestria Girls! I hope everyone enjoys the comedic hell Twilight goes through! Oh! This story is also a gift to Mon for being an awesome friend of mine~ (Marked Teen for having conversations based around sex, but only briefly.)

Published 2023-07-26 11:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-07-26 11:50:00 UTC

Teach me!

“As I have told you, these are all the forms of friendship. We have gone over what is required for a friendship to form, the five basic principles and the different necessities of select friendships. Thank you for listening.” Princess Twilight Sparkle bows her head as if waiting for an applause. She only waits a few seconds before raising her head and clearing her throat. “If you have any questions, I would be happy to answer them.”

An overwhelming silence fills the small room in Twilight’s crystal castle. The only pony sitting in front of her looks half dead from the boring presentation. This is surely not a great sign… Twilight spent two and a half weeks on this presentation, so she was hoping her test audience would have a few questions. She has to perfect this before she presents in front of Princess Celestia and a court full of nobles.

“Um, Rainbow Dash?” she asks softly, bringing the pegasus pony back to the land of the living.

“Yeah? What is it?” Dash asks with a slight shake of her head, yawning from her boredom.

“This is the part where the audience asks questions. Do you have any…?” Twilight looks hopefully at Rainbow Dash. If it was up to her, she would have all her friends here to witness her practice routine of her presentation. However, everypony else had errands they had to run or something they had to attend to. Rainbow Dash is the only pony who had nothing better to do. Other than taking another nap.

“Oh, um… Yeah, let me think,” Dash tells her with a slight tilt of her head, bringing her attention back to the conclusion slide of Twilight’s presentation. Even though Rainbow Dash wasn’t happy to be dragged here, she is still willing to help her friend when she can. A revelation comes to Dash’s eyes, perking up with a smile instantly. “I got one,” she proudly tells Twilight with a raised hoof.

Twilight points her own hoof out towards Dash with a grateful smile. “What is your question?”

“What about friends with benefits?” Rainbow Dash proudly asks, seemingly thinking that she is clever for coming up with the question. “It isn’t in your presentation anywhere.”

In a way, the Princess of Friendship can’t help but feel confused. She has never heard of that division of friends before. A slight blush adorns Twilight’s cheeks, but the princess doesn’t let it affect her for long.

“Do you mean friends who give each other gifts? I believe that is technically classified under the ‘support friends’ title. Or if you mean friends who love each other, that type of connection is classified under a romantic relationship.” Twilight’s heart beats faster as the alicorn feels worried about the answer she gave. She can’t be sure if she answered the question accurately or not. The shocked expression on Dash’s face doesn’t help her feel better at all. Her mouth is left agape as she stares at Twilight for an uncomfortably long amount of time.

“Wait. Are you serious?” Dash asks in disbelief, a hysterical giggle beginning to leave her lips. “You don’t know what friends with benefits are? Have you been living under a rock?!” Dash laughs loudly with no care for who hears her. Every giggle that leaves her mouth only makes the princess feel a little more irritated. Twilight can’t help but grind her teeth as Rainbow Dash mocks her with each laugh. “I can’t! I can’t! This is too much!” Dash exclaims while holding her gut. The pegasus laughs so much at Twilight’s expense that she falls out of her chair, rolling on her side out of pure amusement.

“Dash, do you mind telling me what you meant?” Twilight asks her with an annoyed tone of voice, swearing that she would escort Rainbow Dash to Tartarus personally if she kept laughing.

“Nah, I can’t! This is legit too funny! I’m not the right pony to explain it,” Dash tells her with another loud laugh, before flying out Twilight’s window as fast as she can.

“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight calls out for her, realizing her attempt is in vain. “Damn it. What did she mean anyway?” Twilight asks herself before looking at the projection of her presentation. Everything seemed right to her. She spent years documenting friendship. After almost three weeks, she fixes up a presentation that has all her knowledge about friendship. Could it be that she missed a few notes? Or maybe she isn’t the expert of friendship she thought she was?

The question bugs the alicorn to no end. Sighing to herself, she shuts off the projector. A sense of determination rises in her. She knows that if some piece of knowledge has escaped her grasp, it is her duty to find it. Without waiting a second more, Twilight bolts off to the library. Surely one of her books will have the answer.

==================================================

“Darling, I’m quite busy as you know. I really would have loved to come to your presentation, but I have a big order to finish,” Rarity tries to explain to the princess flying around her shop. Twilight can’t help but use her wings out of nervousness. In a way, she’s trying to avoid running around all over the place. She doesn’t want to mess up her friend’s shop and Rarity has many of her supplies laid out on the floor. If she moves even one thing, she knows Rarity will go into a creative meltdown…

“Please, Rarity. I just need a little help with one part of it,” Twilight tells her, finally landing on a nearby counter. “It shouldn’t take too much time. At least, I don’t think so?” Twilight’s legs move up and down as if she is walking in place. Her nerves absolutely refuse to let her stay still, no matter how hard she tries.

Rarity looks up from the cloth on her design table, her red glasses hanging at the edge of her muzzle. Her messy purple mane goes in every direction. In no way would Rarity go out in public like this, but it is a necessary evil in order to finish her order. Neglect her appearance or her work. Rarity’s eyes look Twilight up and down, seeming like she is contemplating whether or not this is worth her time.

“Alright, Twilight. I have a fifteen minute lunch break anyway, so I guess I can take it now.” Rarity takes off her red glasses, setting them on the table as gently as possible. “What do you need help with, darling?”

“Thank you, Rarity~ So, I actually practiced my presentation in front of Rainbow Dash earlier this morning.” Instinctually, Twilight’s wings start to move on their own again. Twilight uses her hoof to try and nonverbally portray a point, but that point is lost on Rarity. “And everything seemed to go alright. Everything except one thing. I realized I don’t have any experience when it comes to friends-with-benefits relationships.”

Rarity’s normally white cheeks turn a light pink upon hearing the words coming out of Twilight’s mouth. Twilight doesn’t really know why Rarity seems surprised to hear that. Even after looking through all her books at the library, Twilight still doesn’t know exactly what that term means. Although, given the phrasing, it has to mean friends who either support each other financially or give each other gifts. What else would the “benefits” part of it mean?

“And this involves me how exactly?” Rarity asks quietly, her blush finally disappearing after she composes herself.

“I’m glad you asked,” Twilight states with a proud smile, finally landing back on the ground. “I was sort of wondering if you could teach me how. How to be friends with benefits, I mean.”

Not a single word is muttered after Twilight’s request. Instead, Rarity’s cheeks turn to a deep shade of red, almost matching the glasses on her table. Rarity’s eyes are so wide that Twilight almost contemplates if dinner plates could hide them. For a moment, Twilight can’t help but wonder if she said something wrong.

“Um… While I certainly appreciate your… direct nature, I hardly think that’s actually something you want to learn from me of all ponies. I mean-”

“Is it because I don’t have the right gifts? I could get them,” Twilight mentions with a hopeful smile. Maybe that’s why Rarity declined. Twilight didn’t have any “benefits” to give her. No gifts. Clearly that would help.

“Please don’t, Darling. I don’t exactly want you to go to that kind of shop. I already have enough of my own… unmentionables.” Rarity looks away from Twilight as she says this, her blush returning with a vengeance.

“Oh, I see,” Twilight tells her with a nod. She quickly tries to come up with some sort of gift Rarity doesn’t have. It’s a hard task, given she doesn’t know what Rarity meant by unmentionables. Why would gifts from friends be unmentionable? “Do you have candy beads? I know where to get some.”

Rarity almost coughs out of pure embarrassment. Her blush is so thick that Twilight can’t help but wonder what percent of her blood has run to her face.

“I-I mean, that kind of toy is… pretty personal, Twilight,” Rarity mentions without looking at her friend, trying her best to cover her embarrassment. Again, Twilight tries her best to wrap her mind around the situation she’s in. Everything doesn’t work. The confusion she feels about such a simple request is palpable.

“Oh? Alright. Well, we could eat out? You and me, I mean. That’s something that friends with benefits do, right?” Twilight’s thoughts stray to why she’s getting such odd reactions from Rarity. Maybe she doesn’t understand her. Maybe Rarity was right about learning this from someone else.

“I uh… I’m sure hundreds of ponies would give the world for that chance to um… ‘eat out’ a princess. But um… Not to insult you at all, Darling, but I don’t think it’d be best. For you and me… You’re beautiful and obviously the best pony I know. No one is more deserving than you, but-”

“I don’t get it,” Twilight mentions with a dejected tone, looking down at the floor. “Am I not trying hard enough? Am I not cut out for it? I mean, I’m supposed to be the Princess of Friendship, yet I can’t experience this?” Twilight sits down on the floor, shaking her head. Maybe her definition of the term was incorrect. How could it be? What else could the phrase mean? She’s done her best scholarly guess. She’s looked through what is possibly hundreds of books. She found the term a couple of times, but she couldn’t find what it means anywhere. The best guess is friends who give each other benefits. What could it be other than gifts?

“No no, Darling! You… You are good enough, trust me. You’re a princess for Celestia’s sake! Like I’ve said, hundreds of ponies would line up to be friends with benefits with you, but I fear our relationship isn’t exactly like that.” Rarity nervously brings her hoof up to her head, scratching as if she is trying to think of the right words. Pressing her hoof against Twilight’s shoulder, Rarity tries to give her a reassuring smile, an effort Twilight appreciates.

“Thank you, Rarity. I just wish I could wrap my head around the definition. Dash flew off before she could explain what friends with benefits really means.” Sighing to herself, Twilight looks up at Rarity only to be met with an even more shocked expression, her ears standing straight up.

“Y-you didn’t know what it… meant?” Rarity quietly asks the alicorn, not moving any extra muscle than necessary. She finally mentions something to herself so quietly that Twilight can’t hear her. Something about being too embarrassed…? “Oh! Would you look at that! My lunch break is over, Darling. I have to get back to work now. Ta ta!” Rarity quickly tells her before using her magic to push Twilight out the door, closing it right after. Twilight’s eyes go wide before looking back at Rarity’s front door. She’s going to get to the bottom of this, even if Rarity won’t answer her question. The only question that remains is who will?

======================================================

“Thanks for meeting with me on such short notice, Fluttershy. It means a lot. Truly.” Walking into Fluttershy’s cottage, Twilight looks around at the green furniture and the bird houses. Everything in her house feels so natural yet calming. For the book worm, she’s used to living in a tree, but a cottage with so many animals feels foreign to her. Fluttershy makes it feel homely and comforting. The yellow pegasus guides her to sit down on her couch before walking to her kitchen.

“Would you like some tea?” Fluttershy asks her new guest in the gentle tone she always uses. Angel follows after her, making some squeaking noises that Twilight can’t really understand. “Yes, Angel. I will feed you after my talk with Twilight. We have a guest over. Don’t be so rude.”

“Yeah, I think that would be nice. Especially after the day I’ve had,” Twilight mentions with an amused smile, thinking about her day of confusion.

“Oh? That doesn’t sound good.” Fluttershy pours two cups of tea with her mouth. Grabbing one of the cups with both of her front hooves, she flies it over to Twilight before going back to her own cup. “Do you need to vent? My animals do it all the time whenever they get frustrated. It’s a great way to help you understand the troubles you’re going through~”

Taking a sip of her tea, Twilight shakes her head. What she needs is somepony to tell her how to be a friend. A friend with benefits to be exact.

“No. I will have enough time to vent after I get something sorted out,” Twilight mentions, setting her cup down on the table in front of her. Angel jumps up on the couch to sit down next to Fluttershy, a sour expression still present on the bunny’s face.

“I hope I can help with whatever it is. I’d do anything to help a friend,” Fluttershy responds as happily as she can.

“Then can I ask you a question? It’s kind of important for this presentation I’m making.” Fluttershy nods with the cutest smile on her face, clearly happy to help in whatever way she can. “Do you have any experience with friends-with-benefits relationships?”

Again, the same result perseveres. Fluttershy’s cheeks turn a bright pink, just like the fashionista before her. At this point, Twilight can’t help but wonder what would make both ponies equally flustered. What kind of gift could get them to blush like this? What if it isn’t a gift? Is it something else? Could it be… cuddling?

“O-oh my,” Fluttershy barely whispers, tilting her head down to hide behind her pink mane. Finally, a look of realization comes over Twilight’s face. This has to be it. Many ponies are embarrassed when it comes to cuddling their friends. In Canterlot, it isn’t that way, but maybe ponies in Ponyville have more reservations when it comes to this kind of connection. To Twilight, it doesn’t matter if friends cuddle, but maybe it matters here. “I-I… I know what it is. I haven’t had t-that kind of… friendship,” Fluttershy whispers to her friend, barely mustering up the will to look her in the eye.

“Oh! Well, that’s great! I haven’t had one either,” Twilight mentions with an understanding chuckle that seems to encourage Fluttershy to lift her head up.

“You were looking for somepony without experience?” Fluttershy asks her with a raised eyebrow, her shyness swapped with confusion. Even Angel can’t help but look at Twilight skeptically.

“Well, not necessarily. I’m just glad I can relate to you in that regard,” Twilight chuckles with a slight shrug. “I was just sort of wondering if you and I could maybe do that. You know. Teach me how to be friends with benefits.” And there it is again… Fluttershy’s blush comes back at the simple mention of engaging in that type of relationship. Even her wings shoot straight out. Twilight starts to feel annoyed at these reactions, wondering if she is going about it the wrong way. Is she not mentioning it casually enough?

“I-I… Oh d-dear…” At this point, Fluttershy can’t help but shake from embarrassment, her cheeks as red as tomatoes. Angel instantly jumps off the couch and runs away to safety. Everypony except for her seems to know what this stupid phrase means. Even a rabbit knows. Is the universe questioning her intelligence? She can recite the square root of 1,346 to the eighth decimal point, yet the universe denies her of a single pony willing to teach her how to be a friend with benefits. “I… Um…” Fluttershy tries to smile, but her mane hides most of her face at this point. “I-I can’t teach you that…” Quickly finishing her cup of tea, Fluttershy flies into the air. Her yellow body zooms around the corner, coming back with Angel in her hooves. “I-I forgot. I need to g-give him a bath. P-please excuse me,” Fluttershy tells her with a quick bow of her head, flying as fast as she can into the bathroom. The sound of the door locking is loud enough that Twilight can hear it from her seated position.

Sighing to herself, Twilight can’t help but find the amount of dead ends she’s running into comical. Taking one last sip of her tea, Twilight thinks about who might give her the answer she’s looking for.

========================================================

A bright pink mare bounces up and down on a giant piece of paper. Her painted hooves cover the part she’s jumping on, not a care in the world on Pinkie’s face. Applejack looks at the paper with a skeptical eye, making sure the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Pinkie Pie do what they need to.

“Come on, ponies. We need this banner to be perfect,” Applejack tells them, directing Pinkie to move more to the left. Twilight’s eyes look at the banner, trying to figure out what they are trying to do. Surely this would be more productive indoors, but Twilight knows the Apple Family Farm doesn’t have a space big enough for this. Except for the barn, but that’s probably too dirty.

“Um, what are you doing exactly?” Twilight asks Applejack, standing beside her to observe the progress.

“We’re making a birthday banner!” Pinkie Pie excitedly states, still bouncing along the paper to form letters.

“It’s for Big Mac. Boy, I can’t wait to see his face,” Apple Bloom tells the alicorn with a giggle. However, Applejack’s expression is much less positive than her little sister’s.

“Yes, but this is our third time trying to make this. I’d like to be a little more efficient,” Applejack tells the crusader, shaking her head. “Anyway, what can I do ya for, Twilight? Need any help?” She tilts her hat up to get a better view of the alicorn princess, a reassuring smile on her muzzle.

“Actually, I do.” Without wasting a second, Twilight starts to fly in the air as her hooves move to gesture nervously. “So, I have this presentation I need to perfect. I already told you that, but I did my practice run with Rainbow Dash today and I found out I’m not the true master of friendship that I thought I was.” At this point, Twilight starts to nervously ramble in different directions, mainly second guessing every decision she’s ever made.

“Hey! Princess! Focus please,” Sweetie Belle calls out, getting Twilight’s attention again. “You were talking about your presentation?”

“O-oh, yeah. Sorry. So, anyway. Dash informed me that I was missing one crucial form of friendship. However, I have no experience in this, so I don’t feel I am at liberty to finish my presentation until I do have experience.” Landing back on the ground, Twilight gauges her friends’ reactions to see if she can continue.

“And this form of friendship is what exactly?” Applejack asks her in a thick southern accent. Clearly, the farm pony is a little annoyed that Twilight keeps pausing in the middle of her point.

“Well, I have no experience being friends with benefits. I already asked Rarity and Fluttershy if they could help me learn how to be a good one, but they both turned me down.” Looking back at her friends, Twilight sees that everypony has stopped what they were doing to look at her with the most shocked expressions she has ever seen. Even Pinkie Pie stopped bouncing in place, opting to stare at Twilight for some sort of answer. “I was wondering if one of you could help me with this?”

“You’re seriously asking my big sis to be friends with benefits right in front of me?” Apple Bloom asks her with the most shocked face out of everypony. Applejack turns her gaze to her little sister, seemingly angry and in disbelief.

“And how do YOU know what that means, young filly?!” Applejack’s statement makes all three of the crusaders look at each other in terror, frozen in place.

“Oops. Um… Run.” Within a second, Apple Bloom and her friends run off into the orchard, causing Applejack to sigh in frustration.

“GOD- Ugh. I will have to get back to them later.” Turning to look at Twilight, a more gentle gaze comes from Applejack’s eyes. “Sugarcube, I’m flattered and all, but-”

“Oooh~ You’re asking Applejack to have-” Pinkie is instantly interrupted by Applejack throwing a small paint can at her. Pinkie Pie dodges it quickly, but it succeeds in shutting her up for a moment.

“We all know what that means, Pinkie.” Twilight raises her eyebrow, shaking her head before Applejack can say anything else.

“Huh? No, I don’t. That’s why I’m asking for you to teach me how. All I want is someone to help me learn how to be a friend with benefits,” Twilight tells them, a tinge of anger in her voice over all the rejections she’s had in the past six hours. Pinkie Pie audibly gasps at Twilight’s words, bringing her hooves to her face. As a result, Pinkie’s cheeks are painted red and green respectively.

“SEE?! She doesn’t know what it means! I can tell ya, Twilight. See, when two ponies are attracted to each other VERY mu-”

“Stop it, Pinkie. I… I think I can explain better.” Applejack steps closer to Twilight, placing her hoof on the alicorn’s shoulder. “Do ya really not know what that means, Sugarcube…?” Twilight shakes her head slowly, tears almost welling up in her eyes. Why is it so frustrating to not know something? “Alright. Um… Well, I’ll be honest with ya. It doesn’t exactly sound true, but it is, so you’ll have to believe me. Alright?” Applejack’s request is easy enough to follow. No matter how much it confuses Twilight, she doesn’t hesitate to nod, wanting an answer already. “Well, to put it bluntly. It’s friends who… have sex with one another.”

“Friends who fu-!” Pinkie Pie isn’t able to dodge the second can thrown at her face. Twilight’s eyes widen enough to convince any pony that she just saw God. A look of realization powerful enough to worry anypony dawns on Twilight, almost coughing on air itself.

“W-wait. So… I was asking… I asked everypony if… I asked them if they wanted to h-have sex? With me?” Twilight asks in disbelief, hopefully looking for an answer otherwise. Applejack, unfortunately, agrees with Twilight’s statement, giving her a small nod. In one second, Twilight realizes just how much explaining she has to do. If it wasn’t for Rainbow Dash… “I swear karma will get Dash one of these days… And today? My hoof is named karma.” Shooting upward, Twilight flies into the sky, leaving the two Earth ponies confused.

“What in the hay did Dash do now?”