“Drugs take away the dream from every foal’s heart and replace it with a nightmare.”
~Pony First Lady Nancy Reagan, 1986
“Ghghghargh I love drinking piss”
~Human President Ronald Reagan, 2004, moments before death
Only a few minutes after Twilight and Spike left for their day trip to Canterlot, Starlight Glimmer opened the palace’s front door to find Trixie standing outside with two bags of potato chips, three bottles of budget-brand white wine, and a set of plastic wine glasses in her magic grasp.
Trixie tipped her wizard hat. “M’lady.”
Starlight gaped. “I told you, we don’t need all these snacks!”
“And leave us without sustenance during our all-day Real Horsewives of Manehattan marathon?” Trixie scoffed and sauntered through the doorway, head held high and snacks in tow. “An amateur mistake.”
Before Starlight could argue, Trixie flicked her in the nose with her tail and walked away. Starlight grumbled for a moment, cheeks pink, but then rolled her eyes and followed after.
When she reached the TV room, she found Trixie slumped deep into the couch cushions – she spent so much time here that the couch had an indent the exact shape of her butt. Her gifts sat scattered across the coffee table.
Grabbing the remote, Starlight hopped onto the couch next to her. “So, where were we? Dizzy Spritz just caught her coltfriend cheating with Glamour?”
“No, that was last season. Glamour is opening a beauty school for ugly orphans now.”
“Right.” Starlight turned on their show, and the roar of mares yelling filled the room. With a sigh, she settled into her own butt-shaped indent and grabbed a wine bottle. “Is there anything more relaxing than watching bad TV with a good friend?”
“I can think of one way to make it more relaxing.” Trixie chuckled. “Twilight’s gone today, right?”
Starlight nodded and swirled her pinot grigio. “Yep. Off collecting taxes… Or whatever it is princesses do. Why?”
Trixie took a few glances around, then lifted her hat to uncover a long black box sitting on her head. “I just didn’t want Little Miss Lawful Good calling the cops on us.”
Starlight grabbed the box from Trixie and popped the top off. Inside she found a bundle of long red stalks, each one sparkling like it’d been dipped in glitter.
She snickered. “Rhubarb? What are we, undergrads? Gonna offer me salt shots too?”
“This isn’t any old rhubarb,” Trixie said. She snatched the box back, reared onto her hind hooves, and held her illicit plants high into the air. “This is magical rhubarb, enchanted with the power of the stars themselves!”
“Uh-huh,” Starlight said, eyebrow raised. “And how does that make it any different from regular rhubarb?”
Trixie dropped back onto all fours. “I’m not sure,” she said, squinting at the stalks. “But the young stallion I bought it from was very convincing. On sale, too – only a hundred bits!”
“Well, count me out.” Starlight crossed her forelegs and shook her head. “When I moved into this castle, Twilight made me sign a strict ‘No Drugs, No Cussing’ pledge. I dare to not do drugs.”
Trixie frowned. “Seriously?”
Starlight kept her pout for a moment more, then broke into a snorting laugh. “Fuck no. Lemme go grab a lighter.”
“I hope your beauty school burns to the ground, Glamour! With all your ugly orphans still inside!”
A thick string of drool dribbled from Starlight’s mouth, down her chin, and into the couch cushion. Next to her, Trixie stared up at the ceiling, her stomach covered in potato chip crumbs. Both their eyes twinkled with wonderful rhubarb magic.
Within the hour, the two of them had gone through all the chips and a full bottle of wine. They’d even broken into Spike’s hidden stash of snacks – sapphires tasted surprisingly great dipped in lard – and Starlight had a pot of popcorn heating on the stove in the nearby kitchen.
The rhythmic sound of popping corn kernels floated through the room.
“Don’t burn the popcorn,” Trixie said, lazily waving her hoof.
“I’ll know when they’re done,” Starlight drawled.
A few minutes passed. The popping sound stopped. Neither mare got up.
“Glamour sucks,” Trixie said.
Starlight scratched her rear. “Yeah.”
Minutes passed. A light haze of smoke wisped across the ceiling.
“What’s that?”
“Probably Spike.”
Minutes passed. The smoke grew darker. And the room got hotter.
Trixie lifted her head. “Isn’t Spike in Canterlot?”
Starlight slowly blinked her sparkly eyes.
Flying towards Ponyville, Twilight spit into her hoof and wiped some of the dirt from her muzzle. “Collecting taxes really does just get harder every year, doesn’t it?”
Next to her, Spike nodded. “I’m just looking forward to a nice bowl of sapphires when we get back.”
Above Ponyville, the two held their breath as they dipped through the clouds – but all the air left their lungs when they saw half the town gathered around their castle, which had burst into flames. At the front of the crowd stood Starlight and Trixie, the latter of whom Twilight shot a withering glare at.
Trixie, her cape and hat lined with scorch marks, stomped a hoof. “Hey, it wasn’t my fault this time!”
“I’m so disappointed in you two! Did my ‘No Drugs, No Cussing’ pledge mean nothing?” Twilight gave Starlight a sorrowful glance. “You know what I always say, Starlight: Just say no! It's an effective and evidence-based strategy to help you avoid Drugs, Alcohol, and other High Risk Behaviors!”
Starlight hung her head. “You’re right, Twilight. I’m sorry – I’ll never smoke in the castle again.”
With a nod, Twilight flew off to help fight the fire and sign her friends up for rehab. That left Starlight and Trixie alone, stewing in silence and regret.
Trixie waited until Twilight was out of earshot, then pulled out the rhubarb again and wiggled it in Starlight's face. “I've got two stalks left. Wanna keep the party going at my wagon?”
“Do you even have cable?”
“Yeah, I steal it from Rarity.”
“Oh, fuck yeah.”
