Sweetie Bot and the 'Founding of Canterlot' Essay
Let the Bot Do the Homework For Me
Sweetie Bot and the 'Founding of Canterlot' Essay
"Let the Bot Do the Homework For Me"
By Wanderer D
The dimmed lights became brighter and Twilight turned to face the audience.
"Thus, although it is possible to infuse a magical artifact with a semblance of personality, the deciding factors affecting the inclination towards good or evil, as well as its ultimate uses will depend completely on the magical intent the object was created with." She took a deep breath and smiled. "Thank you for coming to my M.E.D. talk."
Apple Bloom finished taking the last of her notes and nodded to herself. She couldn't do the magical part of this, but what if she could make an artificial pony that could do her homework for her? She'd never have to write an essay or jot down notes again!
She chuckled evilly to herself as she made her way out of the auditorium. "In fact, Ah won't have to deal with the end of the year essay if I start building it now!"
Several Months Later…
"So, what do you call this?" Scootaloo asked.
"Ah call it: Sweetie Bot," Apple Bloom replied, puffing her chest proudly and wiping her brow with her hoof, leaving a grease stain on it. "Ah made this so that it could do my homework for me."
"Huh," Scootaloo answered.
"I don't know how I feel about this," Sweetie Belle said leaning in to look at her robotic, metal-slated counterpart. She walked around the robot slowly, taking it in, then frowned. "Why is the electricity plug where her a—um, under its tail?"
"Ah know it makes you uncomfortable," Apple Bloom said, "but it ain't anythin' weird. It's just the best place to put it where it wouldn't draw attention. Look, it's basically just a lever." She lifted it and dropped it back into place for effect.
"I'm really not sure about this," Sweetie insisted after a moment.
"Ah told you, it's because ponies are less likely to try and look straight at your assh—"
"No, I mean, I get that," Sweetie said, subconsciously lowering her tail even more. "What I mean is, why exactly do we need this robot to do things for us we're perfectly capable of doing on our own, and also why does it look like me, when it's you who wants it to do the job for you?"
"Well," Apple Bloom said, nodding. "Y'all have to remember that technology moves on whether we want it to or not. A robot that can do things for anypony is just a natural step to take." She shrugged. "As for why it looks like you… well, if it looked like me, it'd have to go out yonder and kick them trees for apples. It ain't got the structural strength to do that and not break."
Sweetie frowned. "Okay…"
"As for Scootaloo here," Apple Bloom continued, "if the robot looked like her, it'd have to deal with being punched in the face frequently, as Scootaloo has a very punchable face…"
"Hey!"
"... or deal with been carried high into the air and dropped for 'flying lessons'."
"Rainbow Dash is doing the best she can!"
"Put on a scooter and let loose with acceleration-incrementing rockets…"
"One time! It was ONE TIME!"
"And other undesirable practices that no sane pony would attempt," Apple Bloom concluded.
Sweetie grimaced and groaned, but had to acquiesce with a nod that, in the end, that made sense.
"'sides, you're pretty and frail, so it's less likely that anypony would smack Sweetie Bot around and notice she's not real."
"Wait, are you saying ponies wouldn't notice the difference?!" Sweetie gave Apple Bloom an incredulous look. "She's made of metal plates! She doesn't have a coat like I do!" She went over to stand next to the robot. "Really? You can't see the difference?"
"I mean, you look pretty similar," Sccootaloo said, then turned to look at Apple Bloom. "Except for the metal plates, the fact that the mane and tail are solid pieces, and the eyes glow green. So, maybe at a distance they can be confused, but what about her voice?"
Apple Bloom smirked, then turned to face both Sweeties. "Sweetie, define 'analogous'."
"Analogous, adjective" Sweetie immediately responded. "similar or comparable to something else either in general or in some specific detail."
Scootaloo's stared in undisguised awe. "Wow. They both answered the exact same thing!" She shook her head. "Damn dictionaries, both of them."
"It's not the only thing she can do," Apple Bloom said proudly. "Ah can make her say anythin' Ah want with Sweeite's voice." She cleared her throat. "Sweetie Bot, repeat after me: Ah am the very model of a model major general."
"Ah, the variety model of the mayor general."
"That's not exactly what you said," Scootaloo noted.
Apple Bloom sighed, "It's a work in progress."
"My voice might sound similar," Sweetie argued, "but what if Cheerilee starts catching on?"
"Sweetie Bot is capable of telling jokes to distract ponies."
"Huh," Scootaloo said. "It seems like you've thought of everything."
"Right? Now, we'll charge her overnight and make sure she's ready for class tomorrow," Apple Bloom said, taking the cable charger in her hoof and raising the lever.
Sweetie's and Scootaloo's eyes went wide.
Scootaloo raised a hoof. "Apple Bloom wait, that's—"
"Eep!"
"...not Sweetie Bot."
"Sweetie, your homework please."
All the young colts and fillies in class turned to look at 'Sweetie Belle'. They were all well-aware that this was, in fact, not the real one, having had Apple Bloom explain the nature of her experiment and the benefits of having a machine think and do the work for them, which appealed particularly to the less productive members of the group. Hiding in the school closet, the real Sweetie Belle stared at her counterpart, who seemed to study Cheerilee in turn, until…
"Sweetie… do you look different somehow?" Cheerilee asked, studying Sweetie Bot intently.
"Initiating misdirection protocol. Producing comedic routine. Query: Why did the chicken cross the road? Initiate pause for effect."
Cheerilee blinked. "What? What chicken?" she glanced at Scootaloo.
"Not me!" the pegasus groaned.
"Revealing the punchline: because it must continue feeding. Ha. Ha. HA."
The entire classroom groaned.
Snips kissed the top of his hoof. "Genius. Pure genius. This is the future of writing."
"Okay, I'm not sure what happened there, but please just hand me your homework," Cheerilee said, trying her best not to share the saddened looks and headshakes from the students that had turned to stare at Snips.
"Query: Describe the nature of the homework."
Cheerilee narrowed her eyes. "You were supposed to give me an essay about the founding of Canterlot."
There was a pause. Then Sweetie Bot spoke: "Founding of Canterlot. Request accepted. A moment please."
Several students cried in horror as a screeching whirr, followed by the sound of ripping paper came out of Sweetie Bot's mouth as it opened wide. The artificial being stared straight ahead, unblinking, and slowly—among more whirring and clicking noises—a piece of scroll appeared and was steadily vomited out—line by line—until another ripping sound was heard and the scroll fluttered down to land on Sweetie's desk.
All the colts and fillies stared horrified, as Cheerilee gingerly picked it up. She stared at it for a moment, then glanced up at Sweetie Bot. "Did you just write this?"
The students held their breaths. Would Cheerilee catch on?
Sweetie Bot turned its head (and only its head) 180º around to look at Applebloom, who was sitting behind her. The farm pony shook her head.
Sweetie Bot then continued turning her head until she had achieved a 360º turn and was able to stare at a wide-eyed Cheerilee in the eye."Negative. All content was pre-existing before today, or is dated as pre-existing."
"Uh-huh." Cheerilie glanced at the scroll. "It's surprisingly dry, for coming out of your mouth, and what you just did was very disturbing, but I never did understand unicorns."
She then looked down at it once more and was about to move on to the next pony when she stopped, narrowing her eyes in suspicion once more. "Sweetie, this… makes no sense."
"Let me look at that!" Apple Bloom said suddenly, taking the offending paper from Cheerilee. She read through the document.
The Founding of Canterlot,
By Sweetie B.
According to carbon traces found in rocks obtained from the substrata of Canterlot Caverns, the creation of the city itself could have taken place between fifty thousand years ago, and ten. (Apogee and Drake, 1st Year of Moon's Dawning, p. 45)
Recordings and pictures show thousands of witnesses claim that Princess Celestia—whose very existence was questioned by the Griffon Lecturer Gothurn (Gothurn, 250 Pre Canterlot, p. 230)—cast a metamorphic spell that transformed the sheer surface of the mountain into a platform where not only the castle rose by itself through magical means, but enough land was produced to allow ponies to build their own homes as documented in the newspapers of the time.
Contrary to this belief, others argue that Celestia was in fact a breezie with an insatiable appetite for cake—
"...and so on an' so forth," Apple Bloom said. Then looked at Cheerilee. "Why do y'all say it don't make sense?"
"Doesn't," Cheerilee corrected. "And there are many reasons past the point where you stopped reading, but just from that, why is the third paragraph calling into question the second one which it had asseverated had multiple witnesses and recordings and pictures and written articles?"
"Asseve-what?"
"Asseverated. Past participle of asseverate. A transitive verb meaning: 'to affirm or declare positively or earnestly'." Sweetie Bot provided.
"Well done, Sweetie Belle!" Cheerilee said with a smile.
"Damn dictionary," Scootaloo muttered from somewhere in the back of the room.
Apple Bloom stared at Cheerilee in silence for a moment, then thought about the stupidest thing she had heard her sister say as a refute to a picture of herself kissing Rarity. "Nopony should trust them meddlesome media ponies! Goin' with your gut feelin's is better than trustin' so-called facts that have only been proved by them scientists!"
Cheerilee sighed. "Right."
"Anyway," Apple Bloom said, trying to shake the feeling that half her neurons had died on the spot, "Ah bet Sweetie can make more sense of it. Why don't you let her take a look?"
Cheerilee tilted her head. "And why would I do that?"
"What d'ya have to lose?"
"Fine, let's see if she can tell us what is wrong with this essay," Cheerilee passed the paper to Sweetie Bot. "Sweetie? If you could tell us an objective critique of your work here?"
"Affirmative." Sweetie Bot took the sheet and slid it into her ear. "Scanning contents." Everyone watched in quiet awe as the scroll popped out through the other ear. "Scanning complete. Analyzing contents."
"And?" Cheerilee prodded.
"Listing positives:
1) It has clear writing – the essay follows a relatable format that allows the reader to understand the printed words in context. This provides a satisfying informative journey through the creation of Canterlot with a beginning, middle, and end.
2) The core theme is explored – The query for "Founding of Canterlot" produced 93457 alternatives, and the most satisfactory was selected for printing.
3) Loose ends are tied up – The essay provides an appropriate conclusion to the requested query."
Cheerilie cleared her throat. "So your positives are that the words used for the essay are organized in a manner that creates legibility, that you were able to choose a way to write it, and finally that the question was answered with…" she glanced at the essay. "...'therefore Canterlot was Founded.'..." she glanced up at Sweetie Bot. "Correct?"
"Affirmative."
Cheerilee rubbed her temple. "And what are the cons?"
"Listing the negatives:
1) Writing is not focused – the wording and paragraph organization is confusing. Without proper structure readers cannot understand the contents of the essay.
2) The core theme is ignored – The query for "Founding of Canterlot" devolves into a series of asseverations and unproven anecdotes that do not come to any relevant information that actually applies to the requested topic.
3) Conclusion does not provide an appropriate end – The essay's lack of consistency concludes in a statement that does not relate to the context provided by the opening arguments."
Cheerilee took a deep, deep breath and let it out slowly. "In summary: the essay's context makes no sense, the actual subject was ignored, and the conclusion is not satisfactory?"
"Correct."
Cheerilee shook her head. "Sweetie… all of your points contradict each other. Essentially all we can agree on is that your homework was written."
Sweetie Bot turned to look at Apple Bloom. "Instructions?"
"Repeat after me," Apple Bloom said, then tried to carefully enunciate for Sweetie Bot, speaking painfully slow. "I think I might have to resubmit my homework. Please give me another chance."
"Processing speech recognition." Sweetie Bot said, turning to face Cheerilee. "I think you and I would make a lovely couple. I will prepare the marital bed."
"Sweetie Belle!" Cheerilee gasped. "That's not appropriate!"
Apple Bloom smacked her face onto her desk. "That's not what I said!"
Sweetie Bot stared at Cheerilee. Then a thin line of smoke started to come out of her ear.
"Uh, Sweetie?" Apple Bloom prodded.
Sweetie Bot's head rolled in place several times before it screeched into a halt looking straight at her. One of her eyes flickered.
"Don't panic," Apple Bloom hissed. "Miss Cheerilee doesn't know yet. Just… sound natural! It'll be okay!"
"I'm right here, you know?" Cheerilee coughed under her breath, but waited for Sweetie's head to return to its proper position. "Yes Sweetie?"
Sweetie Bot opened her mouth and…
"Is that the sound of a river?" Diamond Tiara asked.
"And… the chirping of birds?" Twist added.
"I… think there's also the wind rustling the leaves…" Silver Spoon said.
Cheerilee sighed. "I guess you do sound… natural?"
The sound of a rooster crowing emanated from Sweetie Bot's mouth just before it popped off her neck and rolled to a stop at Cheerilee's hooves.
Scootaloo snickered.
Apple Bloom groaned.
"Ah'm actually impressed with how life-like that there Sweetie Bot seemed," Applejack said, watching alongside the Crusaders as Big Mac tossed the headless body of Sweetie Bot onto the cart. The head followed soon after.
"Ah guess Equestria is not ready for a fully mechanical artificial intelligence yet," Applejack said, elbowing Apple Bloom, who chuckled self-consciously.
"So y'all spent months buildin' this here robot pony to write an essay that would've taken you maybe half an hour to write on your own?" Applejack asked after a moment.
"That was the idea."
"And you don't think it's…a waste of time to do something so laborious just so that something else can do your work for you?"
Apple Bloom shrugged. "Ah don't really care much about doing them essays m'self," she admitted with a cringe and a smile at Cheerilee's unamused glance. "Ah like math better."
Cheerilee chuckled. "Well, it really was a very impressive robot." She passed her a rolled up scroll. "And here's your essay. Have a great vacation, girls!"
"Thanks!" Applejack, Apple Bloom and Big Mac waved at Cheerilee as the three started walking towards Sweet Apple Acres.
It was a few minutes into their way back that Applejack frowned. "Wait an apple-pickin' minute… did she just give you back the essay you gave in?"
Apple Bloom blinked. "Well, yeah."
"So all of this fuzz was to make a machine that would do all the work for you so you didn't have to give in the essay that you gave in?"
"Oh, look, Ah got an A+!" Apple Bloom's smile slowly faded as she looked from the scroll to her sister and back before screaming to the skies in anger. "What the hay is wrong with me!?"
A whirring sound and some smoke emanated from somewhere in the cart. Applejack leaned over and ruffled around, finally pulling out a piece of scroll, then read aloud:
"Results for Query:
Lack of focus - you did not concentrate on the result you wanted to obtain and lost track of your actual objective."
"What?"
"There's more if you want me to read them," Applejack teased.
"Aw, shut up," Apple Bloom mumbled.
Applejack didn't stop laughing until they made it home.
The End
Author's Note
So... yeah, I just don't know why, but I ended up writing this today. I do have some ideas, but I just wanted to have some fun. Obviously some people have strong feelings about the future of AI and such, but rather than that serious discussion, this is about, well, failing at it.
At the end of the day, I think this is about having fun more than anything. Although I suppose I'd be interested to see what an AI "review" of this would look like.
Thanks for reading!
-WD
