Perhaps

by Schizoid Nightfall

Rating: teen
Tags: Tragedy, Scootaloo, Sad, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Other, Romance
Length: 11372

The contents of a letter can tear apart more than one life...

As Lightning Runner races to the home of a mare from his past, he is haunted by memories of what happened there, and struggles to come to terms with the reality he may face upon finding her.

This has obviously expanded already, and I can also label it sort of a growing-up tale from the prospective of an outside observer. However, I don't want to spoil it for those who haven't read it yet.

Published 2012-10-03 16:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-13 23:06:07 UTC

The Letter

Storm clouds swirled overhead. I couldn’t see more than 5 feet ahead of me. None of that mattered, though. I had to reach her in time! Her last letter had been incoherent enough; she was on her last ropes; that thought alone gave me a visual that brought me to tears immediately. I shook my head for a few seconds to calm down; I had to stay focused! This damn storm was giving me too much wind to fly through. I thought there wasn’t one of these things scheduled until next week!! I resolved to talk to the weather factory if I was strong enough to survive this…

I am vaguely aware of a screaming voice above me…

I approached her house, now swaying in the wind, pelted with hail. I was terrified of what I’d find inside; would she be there?

The voice is stronger now. I can’t make out what it’s saying…

The door came down when I tried pushing on it to see if it was open. The house was too dark for me to really see anything. But there was something at the end of the hallway. It wasn’t a body, but a picture. I picked it up to get a better look: it was my sister and I, smiling. That must have been taken years ago, back when we still lived here. It was too long ago for me to see any truth in those smiles. I knew they were fake, but I couldn’t help but cry…

The voice is frantically belting my name. No, she is frantically belting my name…

I looked up, and noticed that the storm had stopped. There was no sound whatsoever, in fact. It was quiet enough for me to hear a pin drop from three clouds over. Quiet enough that I was able to hear creaking floorboards.

Quiet enough for me to hear choking noises coming from upstairs…

I try to open my eyes, move ANYTHING! I want her to know that I’m still here, still alive. For some reason, I can’t seem to do anything except listen to her crying, feel her tears stream onto my face and chest, and scream silently in my head…

I rushed upstairs as fast as I could, crying the whole time. ‘Why haven’t I been here in so long,’ I asked myself. I knew exactly why, but didn’t answer. I knew that the truth would tear me apart. The truth would kill me as surely as it was killing her. Perhaps she was still alive, but I knew how likely that was. The drinking had made her irrational, angry, depressed. I knew in my heart what was waiting for me in that room, but I tried to ignore it. I tried to spare myself…

“I waited for him to come. The letters I sent were more than enough to get him worrying. I hoped he would show up and save me from myself any day. But days, weeks, and months went by with no sign of him. I knew the only way to get his attention was that last message. That last letter I had written him only days ago. I had already made the arrangements for the storm, but only for the arrival, not what happened afterward. After it got out of control, the other Pegasi went to tame it again, and I was left alone. Alone with my thoughts, with my sickness, with the voices constantly telling me how pathetic I am.

“And why can’t they be right? I am a waste of space! All I’ve ever done is make their lives miserable…make my life Hell. I deserved to die…”

The upstairs hallway always seemed longer than it really was when I was a foal, but now, it was miles long to me. I wondered how anypony could possibly live in this accursed house. Then I remembered who was at the end of it, and yelled at myself for thinking that of her. There was no feeling left in me; I could only smell the vodka of months, the vomit from years ago, and other stenches that I’m sure will eventually make me pass out. I wasn’t prepared for what was behind that door, and I knew it.

I ran. Likely faster than I had ever run in my life. All I knew was that I had to reach that door in time. If I knew her, she was probably dead by now, but I wouldn’t allow myself to think that. I couldn’t face that truth! Was it possible that, after all this time, after all the crap she put me and Rain through, that I still loved her? Did I still see her as somepony I could trust and talk to? Perhaps…

I heard screams from inside the door to my left and burst through it without thinking. I was in my old room. It brought back too much for me to handle at once. I started crying, seizing, and blacking out, all at once. It was more hell than I thought I could experience. This was why I hadn’t visited in so long: the memories entombed in the rooms of this home were toxic to what was left of my sanity. Seeing this room, exactly the same as I had left it when I ran away so long ago, threw that remaining grip out the window.

That chair. That wooden rocking chair. There was always terror hidden somewhere in it, with the creaking noise it made when anything heavier than one of my feathers landed on it. The bed still had the straps on it. My bed was still its own torture chamber, and I was staring at it for the first time in years. The closet where I would spend most nights in fear of my own father seems so small now, so unforgiving. I sat in it for old times sake. It felt like an eternity, but only turned out o be slightly less. I turned to the clock, still ticking away the seconds of my life. It was 8:14, only 10 minutes since I’d arrived. That didn’t seem possible, but since when is anything logical in my family? I exit the room, and immediately hear the screams again. I double over as I realize what I’m hearing.

I am listening to my own voice…

“I heard him screaming down the hall, and I knew he’d found his old room. I left it that way because it hurt me too much to go inside; it reminded me of him. Of his face that last night before he and my daughter ran away. In his entire time here, I never told him how much I loved him, how much I wanted him with me.

“I never got the courage to ask him to stay after Thunder left. I have spent so long hating myself for not being there for him.

“I hate myself for not being a mother to you both.”

I finally reached the end door. The door to my parents’ old room. The room she hadn’t left in years, from the sound of her letters. It took all my courage to open the door. What I saw both brought me back to reality and tore me apart. She was there, covered in blood, a knife laying beside her. As I approached, I realized something odd…I couldn’t place it at first. The strange placement of the body, flowing blood, pan—SHE WAS STILL ALIVE!!

“Mom?!?!”

“…” She either was unable or unwilling to speak. I prayed for the former, for her sake and for mine.

“Mom!! Please!” The tears were flowing unhindered by now. Seeing her like this, the happy mare I had known growing up, torn up to the point of suicide, broke my heart into even more pieces than it had splintered into upon reading that last letter.

“D-did you g-get it?” I smiled in spite of myself. She could speak!!

“Yes,” I said, crying. “I got it this morning, and flew over as soon as I finished reading it. I’m so, so sorry about everything. I never meant to hurt you! I only wanted what was best for Rai—“ I stopped myself before bringing her into this. My mom had already suffered enough.

I stayed with her, talking for what seemed like hours. We caught up on life. I learned that my dad had died about a year before, and that mom was seeing somepony else. Eventually, she fell asleep, and I decided to rest, as well. It had been a long enough day. I woke up with the sunshine in my eyes. When the medics finally arrived, I tried to wake her up, but it was too late.

She was already gone…

My Dearest Daughter,

I know life hasn’t been kind to either of you, but I hope you realize that I love you very, very much. I’m so sorry for this, but it’s the only way for me to let go of the past. I would write to Lightning again, but I know he’ll never listen to me as long as he lives. It’s his nature. I don’t think you’ll ever know how like his father he really is.

I wanted nothing more than your love. I never deserved much, but I hoped I did earn that at least. I waited so long for a letter, a visit, anything, but never got any of it. After a while, my friends started ignoring me. I haven’t had a visitor in over a year.

I waited for him to come. The letters I sent were more than enough to get him worrying. I hoped he would show up and save me from myself any day. But days, weeks, and months went by with no sign of him. I knew the only way to get his attention was that last message. That last letter I had written him only days ago. I had already made the arrangements for the storm, but only for the arrival, not what happened afterward. After it got out of control, the other Pegasi went to tame it again, and I was left alone. Alone with my thoughts, with my sickness, with the voices constantly telling me how pathetic I am.

And why can’t they be right? I am a waste of space! All I’ve ever done is make your lives miserable…make my life Hell. I deserved to die. I still do.

I want to die because of what I didn’t do to protect you both. I left Lightning’s room the same as the last night he spent in it. I left it that way because it hurt me too much to go inside; it reminded me of him. Of his face that last night before he and my daughter ran away. In his entire time here, I never told him how much I loved him, how much I wanted him with me.

I never got the courage to ask him to stay after Thunder left. I have spent so long hating myself for not being there for him.

I hate myself for not being a mother to you both.

I can only hope that you’ll forgive me for not being there for you. It’s been too long since I’ve been able to maintain my composure when saying that my children are still out there somewhere, living their lives without me. I’d hoped I could move on someday, but I have given up hope of that ever happening. I only hope that, in time, you can forgive me. Please, Rain. Give me that much.

Love Always,
Cloud Runner

Rainbow Dash woke later than usual. She noticed three things. One, Lightning was gone. Two, the sky was darker than usual. Three, there was a poorly hand-written letter on the kitchen table.

She started to read it…

Waking Up

Chapter 2: Waking Up

I hear the music long before I wake up. I try to open my eyes, but there’s some kind of weight holding them shut. I don’t know what’s going on until I hear the rhythmic beeping of a heart monitor close by. I’m in a hospital? I spend what seems like hours trying to figure out what happened after I found mom.

I passed out just after the medics got there. On the way outside, I heard them talking about severe trauma and something else that I can’t quite hear. Mostly stuff about my “unstable mental condition,” as my former psychologist would say…emphasis on former. I start to wonder if they’re just figments of my imagination, and if I’m really dead already. I guess my mother could do worse than kill me, but she’s already done that more than once.

The worst thing she ever did was die in my arms, just as I was beginning to forgive her for abandoning Rain and I.

“RAIN!!!!!”

My eyes fly open, and I shoot up in my bed. I suddenly realize that I have no idea where I am, what day it is, or why I’m here. I panic and scream unintelligibly, with no idea why I’m doing it or who/what it’s directed at.

No one comes. I later learn that my roommate is a screamer, and they thought it was him acting up again. I finish after about 15 minutes, and a nurse comes in to see how we’re both doing. She nearly faints when she sees me sitting upright, looking haunted. She runs out and brings back a doctor, who immediately begins asking me questions.

“Do you know your name?”

“Li-Lightning Runner.”

“Do you know what day it is?”

“No…”

“Do you know what time it is?”

I look at the clock. “3:15?”

“Good. Can you tell me the last thing you remember before waking up here?”

I think hard. It’s too painful to recall that day, but I feel like I have to say something. I decide on the truth. “My mother…she died. I blacked out, but I could hear voices. I don’t remember what they were saying.”

The doctor nods. “That was probably the medics. They said you went comatose just after they arrived. You were mumbling something about rain. Can you tell me what’d so special about that?”

This tugs at my heartstrings; he doesn’t know about her?

“My sister: Rainbow Dash,” I say slowly. “She wasn’t at the house with me. She was at our new home…is she alright?”

He hesitates for a moment. “I suppose she has a rainbow-colored mane?” I nod. “She was here not too long ago. She left about 2 hours ago. Said she had to get the house ready for when you came back.”

He notices the pain in my eyes after telling me this. He tries to comfort me by saying that she should be back anytime, but he doesn’t understand; the last pony I want to see is Rain. She looks too much like mom, and she’s too young to even know that yet. The poor little filly can’t even fly yet. The last thing she needs is me constantly reminding her that I don’t want to see her, but there’s no easy way to break that to her.

I check myself out of the hospital, since I have no mother and they can’t locate my father. Thank Celestia for small favors, I guess. My first stop is back home to see if Rain is there. If she is, I think I can get through a conversation with her, maybe even get used to being the only family she has left.

When I get home, she’s asleep on the couch. I smile for the first time in weeks. Even somepony as evil as dad couldn’t take the beautiful innocence out of my sister. I kiss her on the forehead and go into my room to settle in. I spend the afternoon crying.

A few hours later, Rain walks in and asks why I’m so sad. I do my best to break it to her; I try to tell her that mom’s not around anymore, and that it’s only us from now on. After about 10 minutes of repeatedly restarting to find the right words, I manage to get it out. She understands about mom, at least, and joins me in grieving. For how distant our mother was, she was always kind and sweet around her little “Dashie,” and I guess there’s some memory of that in Rain’s head. We may not have had the best parents, but she had the best mom in all of Equestria.

After a few months, I’ve started to get the hang of cooking, or at least, not butchering everything. Before mom, I’d always just make soup; Rain only recently moved to solid foods. The kid decided everything for herself, I’ll give her that much, including when she wanted to give up on liquids. So, the truth came out that I was capable of burning orange juice while preparing a solid breakfast…I wasn’t exactly certain how that’s even possible, but I guess there’s a first time for everything.

I eat with her, then drop her off at the flight school I’ve enrolled her in. She seems to like it, and she’s even made a friend…why this tiny, timid filly named Fluttershy seemed like a good friend for her only hit me after I met her: Fluttershy is what Rain was only about a year ago. She’s introverted, refrains from making eye contact, and too scared of ponies not liking her to even try meeting them. Still, I’m proud of Rain for convincing “Flutters” to accept a friend in her life.

Rain really can fly now; it impresses me that she’s only been flying for 7 months, and she’s almost as fast as me now. I have to stop myself from laughing my wings off every time she crashes into something, and I try to soften the blow by calling her a nickname I came up with after her first unaided flight. She obviously loves me softening it like that, based on her reaction the first and only time I’ve ever seen one of her classmates call her by that name…

Let’s just say that I’m the only one who’s allowed to call her “Rainbow Crash.”

Author’s Note: I currently have ideas on how this might end, but not how long it’ll be until I reach that end. Rest assured that, right now, I have no intentions to kill any major characters. Oh, and I didn’t decide to include Fluttershy until I started to write this chapter, so sorry for not tagging her in this. Please spread this around!!! More to come ☺

Rain and Lightning

Chapter 3: Rain and Lightning

I still remember when she was old enough to really know what happened. I had never told Rain how mom died, and I’d hoped I would never have to. But the day she got her cutie mark (and accomplished the Sonic Rainboom, from what I heard), I had to come to grips with the fact that she was finally able to grasp the concept of suicide. So I told her. She was in shock at first, then asked me what made mom so sad. I told her the truth: I had, and still have, no idea. Life was harder for me before then, lying to her about Cloud for years. It was painful to watch my baby sister go through life so innocent to the truth about her…our parents.

I still don’t know when, or if, I’ll ever tell her about dad…

As I write these words, I can’t help but cry a little. These are the first words I’m writing in my journal, and they’re about something that happened over a month ago. But the pain of that day is still all too real. Rain’s becoming less like mom every day; she’s more like me, which is nice in a way. I guess that’s more selfish than anything, because I’d rather she was less like mom so I wouldn’t be too reminded of her every time I see that face.

I know I should be out there, trying to move on, but I can’t. I need to be there for her, and I’m sacrificing my own happiness to do so. It can’t be healthy, but it’s the only way I know how to live now. I’ve stopped looking at other mares entirely, although I’m perfectly aware of how many looks I get from them. I don’t even know what their names are, but I can guess…yeah, not so much. I guess trauma and stress have done wonders for my ability to appear normal. Nothing like some good, old-fashioned mental torture to tame a colt.

I still don’t know why everypony seems intent on making me their friend; I don’t want friends right now…I don’t deserve them. However, some colt named Soarin, or something like that, manages to get through the barriers around my mind. We become close friends, even though he’s only a foal…not that much older than Rain, actually. He had no family to speak of, something I could relate to, and he seemed to look up to me for some reason. I guess this school hasn’t forgotten me yet; I really am a legend around here. I still can’t believe that, of all the great flyers from my class, I was the most touted around it.

I hated being popular.

I guess the big thing to remember about Rain is that she is popular here, if only because she acts really badass around her friends. Ah, jocks: so easily impressed by a bit of fancy wing work. The worst, by a long shot, is Gilda: a griffon with an attit—well, she’s a griffon. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I’m pretty sure her parents enrolled her here just to get some peace and quiet, a break from her constant ranting about how cool she is, and how much she needs to be seen as such. I guess I can’t complain about her and Rain being friends; they seem to like each other, and as long as my sis has friends, I couldn’t care less who they are. My life pretty much revolves around that little filly’s happiness.

My favorite pastime is working at the weather factory…seems their response to complaints about unexpected weather is a very interesting series of job offers. Seems like they could have been more graceful about it, though. I must say, though, I love working the weather teams. I only have to really work when I’m needed, which is for, like, an hour every three days or something. If it gives me more time to myself and to Rain, I can deal with it.

Living above Ponyville for the past few years has had its own…delights. I’m constantly slammed with party invitations from some Pegasus named Surprise; she seems nice enough, but I’m not a party guy. A few others in town ask me why the two of us aren’t a couple every now and then…I usually laugh and reply very simply.

“I’m not really looking for somepony right now, I guess.”

Yeah, swallow it. That’s my gut response, and I think I’ll stick to it for now. It’s the truth, although it’s gotten someponies around town thinking I’m into stallions. My position on that is quite easy: I’m not, but I don’t see why that would be a negative thing at all. If Rain turned out to like mares, it’s not like I’d think any less of her. I’d still love her just as much; unfortunately, most others in Ponyville don’t seem to share my opinion, and think that lifestyle is wrong in every way, like there’s nothing wrong with using a your own filly as a punching bag, or something. I guess time will bring everypony to his/her senses, but I’ll get off politics now.

The point is, there’s opportunity here, and I love that. The ponies in Ponyville may be gossip monsters, but they generally mean well, and they’re all very nice to you if you are the same way to them. All in all, it’s a nice little town, and I don’t regret coming here at all.

There are plenty of opportunities for me to get by when I’m not on duty for the weather; I guess I understand my cutie mark, now. At first, I didn’t understand what a jack surrounded by wings and notes signified…but I now think it means sort of a “jack of all trades, master of none but music and flying” thing. I have ben told I’m a decent singer, after all, and that’s how I make the extra money around here.

One day, however, everything changes. Rain is asleep, and I’m up reading again. I’m on weather duty tomorrow, and I know I really should get some sleep, but I can’t tonight. I look outside, and see a light drizzle: the same rain, in fact, that I’m scheduled to help clean up in a few short hours. As I’m reading, Surprise shows up at the house. I ask her what she wants, and all she’ll say is that she just wants to get away from her family for a while. I invite her in for drinks, and she bolts in, obviously happy to have found a place to crash for a while.

We sit, we talk, we laugh, and that’s pretty much the night for us.

“So, how do you like Ponyville so far?”

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. “You do realize that I’ve been here for years, right?”

She laughs. “Of course, silly! It’s just that you’ve only recently become, you know, social around here. I was just wondering how you’ve adjusted to actually having a life.”

This time, I roll my eyes very dramatically. “As if I need to adjust to anything. I have no life, Surprise. It’s all just one meaningless conversation after another for me.” I immediately bite my tongue; have I hurt her feelings?

The tears confirm how much of an ass I am. “You think I’m meaningless?”

“No! I’m sorry about that! I said conversations!! Before now, we’ve never actually had one, so it’s really a compliment to you.”

She looks as if I’ve lifted the moon off her haunches. “Oh. Thanks for that!”

I never noticed how amazing that smile is. Her teeth are flawless, her eyes are beautiful. What am I thinking?! She’s here to crash, not for a relationship!!!

“I want to tell you something…Lightning, right?”

I hesitate just barely too long. “Yeah.”

I wait to wake up. Every time something this amazing happens to me, it’s a dream. I’ve already resigned to this.

“Come a bit closer,” she says softly. I shift a bit closer.

She crosses the remaining distance, and kisses me…

That kiss seems to last an eternity. It feels so great, I can’t believe that it’s real. After forever ends, she pulls away, leaving me with a dumb look on my face. She smiles softly.

“I love you.”

Author’s Note: Again, no idea where I was going until my Rarity moment earlier today! I have plans for the next three chapters already, and I’m going to love all of it!!!! I can’t promise that no tears will be shed, but I can say that it will be well worth it ☺ As always, thanks for reading!!

Surprise

Chapter 4: Surprise

I feel the eyes boring into the back of my head as I walk down the road. It’s only been a few weeks since I’ve seen her, but everypony’s made it feel like years. The constant talking, the hateful looks, the barrage of insults thrown my way. I haven’t heard anything from her, which doesn’t shock me, but I know she hasn’t talked to me very much since that night, since the storm. I guess I’ve been a loner all my life, but it’s only now that others are truly making me feel alone.

Rain doesn’t understand what has me so down, or why the whole town has turned against me. She’s too young to really get it; she’s never been in love. There’s a difference between knowing you’re in love and knowing the same of somepony else.

The night Surprise kissed me was the worst of my life. It wasn’t the kiss itself, but my reaction. The next morning would have been a blur if not for the conversation that had followed.

“I love you,” Surprise said softly.

The kiss had lasted an eternity; I had wanted it end sooner. It felt great while it was happening; I wasn’t thinking of her. I looked at her, dumbstruck; I was shocked that she would make a move so bold, and I wanted the moment to cease. Above all, the previous night had been a time of—not weakness—but stupidity on my part. I don’t know what she did to make me so afraid of committing to her, but I was.

“Please leave,” I replied.

She was clearly hurt. “What?”

I swallowed the pain in my voice as I said, “I want you to leave, now.”

“Don’t you love me, too?”

“No,” I said, too quickly. Tears now ran freely down her cheeks.

She couldn’t speak, and I didn’t want her to. I was in love, but not with her. Surprise, while nice, was too unpredictable, too eccentric, if you will. I was looking for stability, and she didn’t have that.

It was still painful for me, and I wanted her to leave so we could suffer apart, but I couldn’t tell her that. Better to let her believe I didn’t love her at all.

I return home after buying some basics in town. Rain’s there with Gilda, of course. The griffin sees me and immediately sobers her language up; I don’t mind cussing, but I decided not to tell her that. Sort of a game we play: she pushes my limits, and I ask how her parents are. This strikes a chord with her every time, with her mom being dead and her dad in prison for killing his wife. Although I do understand having a crap father, she chose to push it there. About a month ago, she figured out my pattern and took to keeping her insults to herself. I announce that dinner will be ready in a few, and Gilda leaves.

“Lightning,” Rain pipes up, “why do you two hate each other so much?”

I chuckle. “Because we both want to say more than we can, and it always involves more than you’re ready to hear right now.”

“But I can handle anything! I’m almost as fast as you now!!”

“I know, Rain, and I’m proud of that. However, Gilda and I can both remember our dads, and neither of us have fond memories of them. You’re not ready to hear what dad was like, so don’t ask!” I stopped her just as she was opening her mouth to ask what I meant.

“I can handle whatever you have to say about him. I’ve heard enough already,” Rain says with a hint of venom in her voice.

A flash of terror crosses my face. “What do you mean by that?”

She notices the panic in my voice, because she responds slowly. “You talk in your sleep. You’ve said some things about him.”

“What things?”

“Things…just small words and phrases. I couldn’t understand any of them, but I know they were bad because of the way you said them. What does all of that mean?”

I take a deep breath. “Like I said: you’re not ready for that yet. Maybe when you’re a bit older.”

She finally drops the subject and asks to go over to visit Fluttershy. I agree and fly her over there. That’s when I decide that I have to see Surprise again and try to make amends before it’s too late. I know it will be an awkward visit, but the thought of telling Rain what her father was, and still is to me, is more terrifying than anything else to me.

As I near Surprise’s home, I can’t help but feel the looks on me: the same hate drilling the back of my skull as the past several months. Nothing could prepare me for what I am about to do. I am about to ask forgiveness from the mare whose heart I shattered into pieces. I am about to ask her to forget the pain I’ve invariably caused her. And what am I offering in return? Nothing. I still don’t love her as anything more than a friend. All I want to do is beg for her to at least not want me dead.

“If you are convinced that my death is the only thing that could possibly bring you happiness, why shouldn’t I kill myself? It would make sense, after all. I was evil to you, and an evil deed begets more evil. Maybe that’s the fate I should receive…”

I knock on the door. There is no answer, so I stay for a few minutes.

Five minutes.

Ten minutes.

Twenty minutes.

I decide enough is enough and go home, leaving a note on the porch. I look back and see it swiftly disappear under the door.

A few days later, I am able to bring myself to try again. I walk up to her house, only to find a note on the door.

“LR, it’s unlocked.”

I calmly walk in, even though my heart is beating a mile a minute. Why would she just let me in like that? Have I earned her forgiveness already? I decide that that’s impossible; she must simply want to talk, maybe sort things out on where we are. I desperately want to apologize to her face to face.

“I have considered you a dear friend for many years, and you have been a constant in my life for a long time. I have no excuse for my behavior that night. I can only ask plead beg for your forgiveness. You don’t leave your house, so I can’t tell you how sorry I am in person. If you will only forgive me, then I’ll be happy. I can’t offer anything except my time in helping you heal.”

I slowly walk upstairs and hear high-pitched crying. The color disappears from my mane as memories of my childhood flood my mind. I keep going. Luckily, the crying is close enough that I only have to pass one door upstairs before entering her room.

The room is dark. I can’t see a thing past my own nose. When I turn on the lights, everything hits me at once.

I see two young fillys, crying in the corner. I see a broken mirror, several dozen broken bottles of what I can only assume is vodka. I hear the stillness in the air as the fillys quiet down. I see Surprise lying down on the bed.

I see a piece of the mirror next to her.

I see the blood around her wrists…

I scream……

Author’s Note: Well, I’m back to the sadness. I hope you guys like this better than the last chapter, but that was mostly filler material, so forgive me. Oh, and I think I’ve figured out where the rest of this story is going, so expect a more coherent progression of the chapters from here on out! ☺

Through Another's Eyes (Dear Diary)

Chapter 5: Through Another’s Eyes

Author’s Note: I can’t sleep tonight, so I managed to occupy my time finishing this chapter!! More to come :D

Dear Diary:

When they first arrived in Ponyville, I was just glad to have other Pegasi around. The older one was obviously engrossed in watching the filly stumble around, though I could tell somehow that his laughing was forced. I assumed she was his daughter, and maybe his wife had just died, so I understood why watching the little one would be hard for him. He kept telling her not to go too far. I’ll never forget the first time I actually heard his voice.

“I don’t have to listen to you,” the filly yelled.

The colt sighed heavily. “Rain, I’m going to count to 3, and you had better be back he—wait, Rain!! Don’t touch that! It’s not yours!”

“Rain” had spotted, and was now carrying, my saddlebags on her back. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing; she was just curious. As he ran over, I looked at him sympathetically, wondering how he was dealing with her.

“I am so sorry about her,” he said. “She’s too curious for her own good…just wait until she can fly.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at this. “Really…is it going to be that bad?”

“If she’s anything like I was, then this place doesn’t stand a chance.”

I decided to broach what had to be the most uncomfortable subject for him.

“So, where’s her mother?”

“She’s, uh, not around.” There was a twinge of pain at this.

“Well, I’m sorry about that,” I said with as much feeling as I thought was necessary. “I guess it’s been hard for you. Was there anyone else where you lived?”

“Well,” he thought. “There was the population of Cloudsdale…”

I laughed again. “I meant--”

“I know what you meant,” he said calmly. “It was just the three of us.”

“I suppose you loved her very much.”

He looked up quickly. “That’s open for debate, actually.”

“Oh.” I wasn’t expecting that one. “But, you are, um, Rain’s father, right?”

“Uh…” He looked at me, disconcerted. Then, all of a sudden, he burst out laughing. I looked around; ponies were staring at him like he had three heads. They couldn’t understand, not that he was laughing at something I said, but that it took so long for him to. I guess this was also the calmest I’d ever been when meeting someone new to Ponyville, so I deserved the looks I was undoubtedly getting before he started laughing so hard.

After about 5 minutes, he got back up and decides that he could finally answer my question from earlier.

“I’m her brother. Name’s Lightning Runner, and hers is Rainbow Dash, by the way. Rain is just my name for her.”

“Oh!” That made more sense. “I’m Surprise, the resident party pony here. If you see anypony giving me a weird look, that’s because I’m normally really talkative and stuff.”

He blinked. “Okay, I guess that makes sense. By the way, Rain won’t ever calm down unless she gets something with some amount of sugar in it. Do you know where I can get that?”

“Are you kidding? I work at Sugarcube Corner!!! I’ll give you a discount on whatever you need there!”

“Oh,” he said, surprised at the offer. “Well, alright! Thanks!!”

We walked to Sugarcube Corner slowly, Lightning having to stop frequently to stop Rainbow Dash from getting into something. He kept joking that he wouldn’t mind if she could never fly. I knew he would never really wish that upon her; being a Pegasus myself, I could only imagine what she would go through if she couldn’t fly. Just talking to him made me understand why they relocated after their mom died. He was haunted, with a kind of “thousand-yard stare” quality to his voice of which I can’t imagine the origins.

When we got to the sweet shop, Rainbow (as she told me call her) went wild at the sight of “so much sugary awesomeness.” Lightning just stood there laughing and telling her to hurry up. After she picked her favorite of the moment, which seemed to be a cupcake shaped like a thunder cloud, I rang them up. As he was handing over the bits for the cupcake, the shop’s owner, Carrot Cake, ran to the door.

“Where you going?” I asked. “Off to see Cup again?”

“Yeah,” he responded, absent-mindedly.

“Alright! See ya!!”

“Uh, yeah. Bye.”

After Mr. Cake left, Lightning looked back.

“Cup?”

“Yeah,” I said. “His girlfriend, Cup Spring. I think he’s going to propose to her soon. They’ve been steady for aver three years, now!”

He smiled, one of those awful forced smiles I’ve already come to expect from him. Obviously, he was uncomfortable with marriage, but I decided not to press the issue, and instead dropped the subject entirely.

“So, how long have you two been here?”

He looked up. “Actually, we just got here this morning. You were the first pony to talk to me here.”

“Really?” I asked. I didn’t expect that at all. “You seem nice enough for others to want to introduce themselves. That’s so mean!”

“Honestly, it’s okay,” he replied submissively. “I don’t care how many friends I make here. I’m glad to have made one, but Rain is really he main reason I’m here. I wanted to move her to a quiet place, and it was easiest to get here than, really, anywhere else.”

Now I see what’s wrong with him: it’s not him or his sister that has him so down, but rather what made them move here.

“What happened?” I know I’m taking a chance with him by asking so much of him so early on, but I decide to, anyway. “What happened to make you guys come here?”

His face told me that I’d gone too far. There was real pain there, real horror. It told stories that I wasn’t sure I would ever want to hear.

“I-I don’t want to ta-alk about it,” he said, his voice breaking halfway through the sentence. Whatever was going through his mind was too painful for him to handle right now, and I dropped it.

After he left, I was able to think straight for the first time in what felt like hours; it had only been around 45 minutes. I decided right then and there that I was going to throw a party for him. I figured a lot of colors would do some good; he didn’t have too much, having a grey coat and black/red mane. His color was depressing enough without that sour personality! I rocketed into the kitchen, determined to make enough cake to feed those two for a year!!

Love Always,
Surprise ^_^

Dear Diary:

Sorry I haven’t written here in so long! I’ve been crazy busy!! Anyway, I’ll pick up where I left off! After about a week had passed, I had somehow managed to organize a party without alerting Lightning or Rainbow!! That’s a record for me!!! Anyway, I asked them to go out to Sweet Apple Acres for an afternoon, and Lightning said they’d be there…after asking where Sweet Apple Acres is. I gave him directions and told him I’d see them there later on.

I went over to SAA right after that to help with the final preparations for the party. Little Applejack was the cutest thing, trying to buck apples with her brother and dad. That filly’s going to be the best bucker around here, I thought, smiling. Their mom, Sweet Apple, saw me and rushed over to direct me to the balloon station and party cannons…a little addition I made when Applejack was born, and a tradition at my parties ever since. After I had checked that they were in working order—a test that left “Big” Macintosh covered in confetti—I decided to fly up and check on the weather. Spitfire, a prodigy at the Cloudsdale Flight Academy, was clearing out some clouds. I’d never seen anypony fly that fast, and she was still just barely more than a filly! Anyway, I found the team leader for the weather guys, and he told me we were doing great.

I went inside to check up on the food afterwards. Granny Smith was practically dancing around the kitchen, keeping track of all the food she was trying to cook simultaneously.

“Granny Smith? You good?”

“Huh?” she said, looking at me. “Oh, it’s you sweetie!! Yeah, the food’s almost done! I can’t wait until that little foal arrives. I’ll finally have a little helper around this cuckoo’s nest! When did you say the tiny thing was due, honey?”

I forced a smile and said it was still a couple months away, my heart breaking a little. Every time I see Granny Smith, her memory and eyes are all a bit worse, and I hated seeing her not being able to distinguish between little grey me and her orange-coated daughter. I went outside and found Sweet Apple.

“Sweetie! Everything seems to be in order here.”

“I know, Surprise. That’s what I’ve been trying to prove here all week long! Honey, what’s wrong? You seem a bit down.”

I look up. “Well, it’s your mom, Granny Smith. She just mistook me for you. Are you sure her memory can keep up with the farm for much longer?”

“Surprise,” she said comfortingly. “You and I both know that my mom’s the most dedicated and loyal pony around here. She’ll be here long after her time should have come, and she knows enough to get by. What gave it away that she thought you were me?”

“She asked how long it is until your foal’s due. I told her it was still another couple months away.”

She laughed a bit. “That’s pretty accurate, actually. She’ll be fine. You know it, I know it, we all know it. Granny is Granny, and that’s that.”

She always had a way of calming me down. I thanked her and went back inside to help Granny Smith finish the food.

About an hour later, Lightning and Rainbow arrived, stunned at the party being thrown. Well, I think it was more the fact that I shoved them into a wheelbarrow and rolled them down the last hill to Sweet Apple Acres, screaming “SURPRISE!!!” the whole way. Once they got over being dizzy and confused about the situation, they started to warm up to the crowd. Rainbow went over and talked to Applejack, the two hitting it off fairly quick from what I saw. When I reached Lightning and he saw me, I saw a smile on his face—a real smile. It was intoxicating to see, him genuinely happy on the outside as well as the inside.

“Did YOU do this?” He asked incredulously.

“Yeah,” I replied. “I saw how miserable you were not having any friends, and that made me sad, because I don’t like seeing other ponies sad, and I like seeing my friends happy. Anyway, since you’re my friend now, I figured I have to throw you a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party!!!!!! What do you think?”

“Um, no,” he said. I fell apart inside. He doesn’t like it???

“I love it!!!!!”

My smile returned just as fast as it had left. I was relieved that he was enjoying himself, above all.

Love Always,
Surprise ^_^

Dear Diary:

The party was a huge success. I’d say those two silly fillies made tons of friends that afternoon. Lightning was smiling most of the time, and Rainbow had a great time running around with other fillies her age. I think that was really good for her. I decided that I should visit them the day after the party, and crept up to their house, hoping to surprise Lightning when he got up. Somehow, though, he was right there, waiting to welcome me.

“I thought you might show up.”

“What?” I was confused. “How could you figure that? I didn’t tell you anything, did I?”

He laughed. “No, it was really a lucky guess on my part. I saw you flying around and figured you were coming here, since ours is the only cloud-house in the area.”

“Oh,” I muttered. I guess it made sense; I was pretty obvious about where I was going. “Well, no biggie! Just wondering how you’re doing!!”

“I’m fine…do you want something to eat? I was just making some breakfast.”

I was stunned. He was asking me to go into his house. I had no idea what to think of it, so I nodded slowly and walked in behind him.

Nothing really eventful happened. We ate a bit, talked about what we could remember from the party, and I left. I asked him to say hi to Rainbow for me; he said she’d be upset at not getting to see me.

When I got back to my room above Sugarcube Corner, I couldn’t sleep for another two hours; the shop was closed, and I didn’t usually get up that early on break days. When I went downstairs, I was treated to a very awkward situation: Mr. Cake was actually in the process of proposing to Cup, and I kind of walked in on it. Luckily, she was two seconds away from saying “Yes,” so I didn’t ruin the moment completely, at least.

They left to tell their families and friends, and I stayed behind to look after the place, not that it needed looking after today. I just wanted to think for a while. All this, time, I had been trying to suppress my emotions from the 10 days, and I wanted to scream out how I felt.

I wanted the world to hear that I was in love with Lightning Runner.

Love Always,
Surprise ^_^

Past and Present

Chapter 6: Past and Present

The two weeks after the party was a blur for me. I mostly just hung out around Ponyville, quietly watching Lightning from a distance. I wouldn’t say I was stalking him, per se; I was simply keeping a close eye on him without his knowledge or consent…I guess that would be considered stalking now, wouldn’t it? Anyway, the reason I didn’t really talk to him for that time was that I couldn’t even think about him without my throat clogging up, let alone talk to him! Ever since I realized I love him, it hasn’t ben easy seeing him wandering around. I’ve suddenly started noticing that he only really seems to be happy when he sees me, as if he feels the same way.

I shouldn’t kid myself; he can’t love me! He’s too perfect, and I’m nothing special. He would never want somepony as erratic as me, as pathetic as me. Every day, I go through about 50 different scenarios in which I confess my feelings to him, but none of them end well; he usually either laughs at me or runs away with Rainbow.

I was so worried about what he would think that it affected my normally bubbly personality; my hair went straight and I walked places instead of bouncing everywhere. I found myself sad most of the time, and Carrot was worried about me.

“Surprise, what’s wrong with you?” he said one day.

I blinked slowly. “Nothing…”

“I know that’s a lie. You mope around all the time, you haven’t thrown a party since that thing for Li—oh.”

So he finally figured it out, did he?

He looked at me sympathetically. He knew exactly how I felt; he suffered the same uncertainty before asking Cup out, and now they’re getting married.

“So, why don’t you just tell him?” Carrot had just spent 45 minutes listening to me vent about Lightning. “He’s nice enough to let you down easy if he doesn’t feel the same way about you, and if he does love you, he’d be the perfect colt for you.”

I knew he was trying to comfort me, but it still didn’t help. Lightning’s ridicule still dominated my thoughts most of the time, and it terrified me. The worst part of it is that I knew it was all in my head…I just let it control me. I ultimately decided to not tell him about it yet. I wanted to be sure that he felt the same way about me before potentially putting our friendship on the line.

Love Always,
Surprise ^_^

Dear Diary,

It’s been 4 years since Lightning Runner and Rainbow Dash moved to Ponyville, 4 years since the party, 4 years since we were seen in a large crowd. Since I pushed my feelings for him to the back of my mind, we’ve become close friends. We have lunch every week, I foalsit Rainbow once in a while, and we talk all the time. He finally opened up about his past, and his mother. After she killed herself, he was depressed for months. I don’t think he ever saw himself being that affected by her death.

He has become happy in the past couple years, somepony you just want to be friends with. Other mares keep asking him out; he always refuses, saying he already loves somepony else. This surprises me every time, and it makes me wonder who this special pony is. Whoever it is, she must be amazing…he’s turned down some really nice fillies. I find myself wondering, sometimes, if I’m the pony he loves, but I usually manage to convince myself that’s not the case. I’m too ugly for him to love, and he deserves a more stable pony. There’s a bad storm tonight, so I can visit him and finally confess my feelings for him. Perhaps he’ll understand…

Love Always,
Surprise ^_^

Dear Diary,

I told him about my feelings about a month ago, and you already know how that went. The most beautiful moment of my dreams came true, and he shattered it to pieces by telling me he doesn’t love me!! The horrible part is I still love him. Though, I’d been feeling uneasy for a few days about a week ago, so I went to the doctor. I got a couple tests done and found something out that I couldn’t take at the time.

I found out I was pregnant…

Love Always,
Surprise

Dear Diary,

I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I begged him to pay attention to me, just to listen, and he ignored me. The girls are due any day now, and I want them to have a dad to look up to. I hope she’s worth it, whomever he’s fawning over.

Love Always,
Surprise

Dear Diary,

The girls were born yesterday; they’re beautiful. I decided to name them Cloud and Breeze Lane. Those seem like nice enough names. What’s more: Lightning finally came. I didn’t let him in (I still don’t know why), but he left a note explaining his reasons for not visiting. It was written painfully, but it was amazing in its own way. I hope he comes back soon; I’m not in very good shape. His letter didn’t give me a lot of hope, and I need that now more than ever.

Love Always,
Surprise…

That was the last thing I entered into that old thing. Maybe today I’d be able to bring myself to put something new in it. I doubt that.

Today started beautifully, with no trace of last night’s storm in the sky. I knew it would be a good day right when I woke up. Cloud and Breeze were sitting quietly in their cribs, as always. I gave them their bottles, knowing that the silence meant they were hungry. They just stared at me for a few seconds; they did that a lot. I cried a bit inside. Why couldn’t they just be normal fillies? Why weren’t they trying to break anything, or knock anything over? It seemed wrong, but then again, I gave birth alone, so they might be too used to this place.

The only other place I could think of taking them was Lightning’s, but he’d freak if he found out he had daughters; he could barely handle his sister by himself, and he didn’t love me anyway. Better to ask one of my friends…maybe the Cakes? Carrot and Cup had gotten married recently, and I hadn’t gone.

I knew they were both worried about me, but since I moved to the old library, they hadn’t been able to visit. I’d lost touch with just about everyone after he tore my heart out. I was sure he didn’t mean to—he was just reacting the way anypony would if they’d made what they thought was a huge mistake—but it still hurt just the same.

What always hurt the most was one thing about me: I couldn’t hate him. He was flawed, yes, but he had given me two beautiful daughters, even without knowing it at the time. I still loved him, and I’d do anything for him on any day*.

As I circled around my room, I saw my reflection in the mirror; I screamed and broke it. I was tired of seeing such an ugly bitch in that thing, I wanted her to go away!!! As the pieces fell to the ground, I heard a knock at the door. I heard the door creak open, and his voice.

“Surprise?”

He must have seen the note. I scrambled to pick up the shards of glass, ignoring the fillies cries, and slipped.

I felt the glass slice my wrists open. I felt my head hit the bed.

I heard him scream.

Author’s Note: Well, it’s been a few days, hasn’t it? We’ve caught up to Lightning’s account of the story, with Surprise’s input. I’ve gotten some queries as to whether or not she’s dead. No news yet (aka, I know, but you have to wait). Also, props if you get the reference in the asterisked sentence.

Peace

Here it is, guys. The LAST chapter!!! I want to thank the 16 people who have already favorited this story (as of the uploading of this chapter), and the support I've gotten in my first ever story :D It's been an amazing journey, and you've all been a part of it.

Chapter 7: Peace

She was buried outside Ponyville, near her fillyhood home. Her marker lay under an old apple tree in a meadow close to the Apple family’s farm. I asked for that much on her behalf; it’s what she would have wanted. It took years for me to be able to face her gravestone after that. How stupid was I that it took me this long to realize that I loved her?! I’ve never stopped asking myself that question, and I don’t think I ever will.

It took me over a year to start visiting her. The memories were too painful; it was always too soon to face them. When I did, it was easier than I expected, but it was still hard. After Rainbow moved out, I fell downhill fast. I began writing to pay the bills, got some books published. Life became bearable, but terrifying. I was scared of love; it didn’t exactly work out for me the first time. My daughters were amazing.

Were…

There was always a reason for me not to visit Ponyville. All of them boiled down to memories of what the ponies put me through. All of them tried to make up after Surprise died. They said they were sorry for what had happened, that they hadn’t realized what was going on. I told them not to apologize, that I had deserved every bit of it. They refused to budge, and I eventually caved.

I made friends, put on a smile, occasionally went for drinks and salt with some guys from work. They all said it was good for me; I wanted to believe them. After about a year, I started going to see her every few weeks. It felt good to talk, to pretend she could hear me. It gave me comfort.

The last time I went there, I sat in front of her marker and ate lunch, pretending she was still here. I talked for both of us, her voice in my head providing the conversation.

“So, Rainbow’s all grown up now. She’s made her own friends.”

That’s nice. How involved are you with her?

“Almost not at all. She’s on her own; she doesn’t need me anymore.”

But you still need her, don’t you?

“Of course,” I said through my tears. “She’s all I have left. The others have forgotten me, and—” I couldn’t bring myself to finish my thought. She finished it for me.

The girls, right?

“Why?” I asked myself. “WHY?!?! First you, now them! It’s not fair, Surprise…I hate myself. I was a horrible father, and a worse friend.”

That’s not true, Light. You were an incredible father. Their time just came early is all.

I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. Why couldn’t I keep them out of my head? This always happened whenever I was here. I always went back to that morning, when I found her. I always remembered holding her in my arms, trying to wake her up.

___________________________________________________________________________

I never heard her voice again, except in my head. I sat there, crying, for hours; it was dark when I looked back up. When I saw the fillies staring at me, I lost what color might have been left in my face as I realized that they were mine. So that’s why she was so desperate to get in touch with me…she was pregnant.

I saw so much of them in me. They looked so much like her, and yet different enough for me to be able to watch them for a few minutes. I fell in love with them right away, and became determined to care for them as much as possible.

After I brought them home, Rainbow embraced them fully. She became the best big sister ever, trying to make them laugh as hard as I had her. I let her name the smaller of the two; she named the filly Scootaloo. I named the bigger one Slipstream…well, Rainbow insisted that we stick to the insane tradition of their names having the same first letter, as they were twins.

A few months passed with little incident. Rainbow got faster, finally flying by me. I started trying to teach the babies to fly, with little more than slightly more hilarious walking the only result. After a time, Slipstream finally got off the ground with some stability, and quickly started excelling. She was flying within a couple months, and Scootaloo wasn’t far behind.

Soon, Rainbow moved out. She started working at the weather factory, and got her own place near mine. The girls were sad to see her go (so was I), but we all knew it was for the best. She needed to spread her wings, so to speak, and wanted room to do so. I didn’t smother her, but she felt the need to feel free to do anything she wanted. I understood, and told her to visit as often as she needed. She promised she would, and kept it. She managed to come by at least once a week, and we would catch up. She would always stay for a few hours just playing with the fillies. They still loved her as much as anypony would.

One day, Scootaloo, Slip, Rainbow, and I were out in the country, near Sweet Apple Acres, practicing flying. Rainbow had her heart set on the Wonderbolts, a dream I supported whole-heartedly. Would it happen? Probably not, but it’s not my place to put others down for their dreams. I was content just being a good flyer, and trying to help my daughters get to that point, as well.

I was teaching the girls a new trick, something I thought was well within their abilities. As Slip went into the dive at the end of it, Scootaloo got in her way. I was looking the other way and never heard them collide. I looked just in time to see them hit the ground.

The next day, at the hospital, the doctor found me and offered his condolences. I knew then that the news would kill me.

Slip was dead; the crash had cracked her spine and crushed her skull. Scoots was alive, but her memory was gone, and she would never fly again. The world collapsed around me; I heard nothing. I blamed myself for looking the other way, for not being there for them. I didn’t understand why this had to happen to them. I was supposed to be there to protect them, and I’d failed at my only job as a father. When he asked if I wanted to see Scoots, I said yes. When I went in, my heart both broke and lifted up.

“Hi,” she said. “Who are you? Do you know my name?”

“Hi. I’m a friend of your daddy’s,” I lied. I couldn’t bring myself to admit that I was the pony who had allowed this to happen. “My name’s Lightning, and yours is Scootaloo.”

“Scootaloo?” she asked. “That’s a weird name.”

“Yeah, it is. Your daddy’s sister named you that. She thought it was a nice name.”

“Okay. So…where is my dad?”

This was the question I’d been dreading.

“He’s, uh, not here anymore. I wanted to see you one more time before they took you to a new home where you’ll get to make lots of new friends.”

“Cool!” She was smiling now. I had to force myself to smile back.

“Well, I have to go now. It was nice to see you again, Scootaloo.”

“Bye, Lightning!!”

I left and found the doctor; he’d heard everything. But, he was also there the day I lost Surprise, so he understood why I reacted the way I did. He knew that I was afraid of what she’d think of me, even though he may not agree. I signed off with the orphanage to officially give her up for adoption. I made it a point to tell them that it wasn’t because she couldn’t fly; it was because I was too emotionally fragile to handle a kid, but they used the phrase “personal reasons” to describe that situation.

“Don’t worry, Mr. Runner,” the lady said. “We get cases like this all the time. I understand what you’re going through, and I think it’s very brave of you to recognize how unbalanced you are right now.”

I didn’t say anything; I just nodded. It seemed the right thing to do at the time. She went into Scootaloo’s room and had her get ready; a few minutes later, they were leaving. Scoots turned back and waved at me. I waved back, knowing it might be the last time I ever saw her. I returned home and left a note for Rainbow. She would know where to find me.

I looked out over Ponyville; so little had changed in the past 8 years. The town looked basically the same, yet so profoundly different. Rainbow Dash was now a major player in the weather team when she showed up for work. I had seen my daughter, Scootaloo, grow into her own, finding a unique use for her wings as propellers on her scooter. I always laughed when I saw that little trick; I never saw that stroke of genius coming from my family. I watched as Rainbow found new friends, finally fitting in with a group of ponies.

I visited Surprise weekly, always talking, wishing she could listen back. I accepted her death years ago, Slipstream was buried right next to her, and I now talked to both of them. I still missed my daughter, wishing I could face Scoots and tell her the truth about them, about us. I said goodbye and flew up to a cloud a few thousand feet up.

From there, I decided to try one last trick: one that I hoped would finally wake me up. I jumped off the cloud and immediately went into a dive. I felt the wind blowing past my face and through my mane for the first time in years. It was exhilarating.

I felt free for the first time in a long time.

I knew the ground was rushing up fast, but kept my wings clamped.

I heard a voice scream my name just before I hit the ground.

I landed next to them. The last thing I saw was my sister flying toward me at top speed, tears in her eyes, screaming my name.

The world went dark for the last time. I was finally at peace.