Pinkie Pie Speedruns the Multiverse
The sound of conversing ponies was always a delight for Pinkie. Whether they were chatting about some new, juicy gossip, or having a heated philosophical debate, it did not matter to Pinkie. Well, the contents of it did matter, but, like, all types of conversations were pleasing to her, is what she’s trying to say.
It was no surprise that the Pink pony was walking with a spring in her step -hopping, even- through the bustling streets of Ponyville. A fresh new morning had always brought fresh new chatter with it, and today was no different.
“Good morning!” Pinkie merrily waved at a passing friend. Said pony smiled as they waved back.
Today, though, she had another reason to be upbeat. For today she had decided to take on the most importantant of tasks: baking the most delicious, scrumptious, mouthwatering cake to ever grace the many mouths of Equestria!
“¡Buenos días!” She smiled at another friend. They stared at her bouncing form for a moment, then shrugged.
Either way, Pinkie was peppier than ever; a hard feat to achieve. She had placed the proto-cake in the oven just before going on her little walk, so, according to her internal watch, there should be another hour-and-then-some until the cake was done.
Well, not done done, seeing as she still needed to put the icing on, and cut the strawberries, and of course she couldn't forget about...
The frizzy-maned pony’s heart fluttered with excitement thinking about the work that was yet to be done. It may be somewhat of a bummer that she forgot to set the oven timer, but that shouldn’t be a problem; she’ll just set it once she gets back to Sugarcube Corner. After all, what could possibly happen in just an hour?
“Ooo, what’s that?”
Pinkie halted as she leaned to the ground, inspecting the odd object laying discarded on the street. A smooth, black sphere, about the size of the frog of her hoof; its only feature was a keypad, with numbers through zero to nine, and what must be ‘delete’ and ‘enter’ keys. a small rectangular display sat above the keypad. All in all, it looked like a small calculator, only without any operations. And, uh, spherical.
Pinkie murmured in thought as she took hold of the strange object. “Hmm… This is missing something…” She reached a hoof to her mane, rummaging through it as her brow furrowed in concentration.
“Aha!” she shouted as she retracted her hoof, holding a sticker depicting three balloons. She stuck it upon the sphere -she really had to find a better name for that object- and smiled. “That’s much better!”
Feeling satisfied, the living embodiment of Pink turned her attention to the only interactable component of the ball-object-thingy. A tentative hoof poked one of the number keys, and lo and behold, the corresponding number appeared on the screen, in all its 7-segmented glory.
With a smirk, Pinkie quickly punched a series of numbers (her birthday, of course), and, curious, pressed the “enter” key. To her great surprise, a beam shot out of the orb, and with a wooshing sound, a circular, swirling portal appeared a few hooves-lengths away from her.
Pinkie was unusually silent for a moment, before raising a contemplative hoof. “Yeah, I’ve got time for an adventure…” Then, with a smile, a hop, a skip, and a jump, she disappeared into the portal.
00:43:48
“I don’t have enough time!”
Pinkie was hyperventilating, she knew, as she trotted to and fro in the cramped janitor’s closet. The mop she was venting to didn’t seem to care, though.
“it’s, it’s, argh!” she grunted as she reached a hoof to her poofy mane, taking the orb-sphere that was responsible for all her troubles. “It’s this!” she pointed at the object in exasperation, “This little thing!
“Apparently, this headache-inducer can make portals to other universes and stuff… which is actually pretty cool! I had lots of fun jumping around, and sight-seeing alternate Equisterias… I’m sure Twilight would love to take it apart, oh, and Dashie and I could make some really good pranks with it!” Pinkie smiled, lost in thought, before refocusing. “But, but, but, but,” she stammered as she stashed the offending device in her mane, “but then I realized, I don’t know my universe’s coordinates! So I don’t know how to get back!
“And you know what that means, mopey?” she asked in perfect tranquility, stopping her pacing to look at her conversation partner, “it- it means my perfect cake would be RUINED!” Pinkie all but shouted to the mop. “And, you know, being totally lost and alone with the possibility of never seeing my friends and family ever again, and stuff like that.”
The frustrated pony sighed. “According to my superb time-keeping, I have forty-one minutes to get back to my universe, otherwise, my cake would be toast!” she blared, “Literally!”
A moment of silence passed.
“Ugh, I know,” She rolled her eyes, “I should have set the timer, but I forgot, alright? We deal with the hoof we’re dealt.” Pinkie didn’t particularly enjoy it when a cleaning appliance berated her. “Anyways, mopey, I was hoping you’d, maybe, have an idea of what to do?”
Another moment of quiet listening.
Pinkie facepalmed. “Ugh, why didn’t I think of that? the princesses! Of course!” After another moment, her expression grew resolved. “You're right, there is no time to waste. I’ll go to this world’s Canterlot Castle right away!”
The dimension traveler turned around. “Thanks, mopey!” she called as she opened the closet’s door. Seeing as she came to this universe only to immediately get inside the janitor’s closet, she didn’t know what to expect.
She most definitely wasn’t expecting, though, a bunch of walking mops; mops who turned around to stare at the weird creature at the door.
Awkwardly, Pinkie took a step back as she grabbed the dimension-traversing device from her mane, fumbling with the keypad to produce a coordinate, any coordinate.
“Eeeh, maybe the next universe’s Canterlot…” she said as she hit enter, then immediately jumped at the appearing portal.
00:35:37
“I apologize, Pinkie Pie, but I’m afraid I cannot help you on that matter,” Princess Celestia’s frown was a displeased, yet sincere expression.
“Nah, It’s fine, princess,” Pinkie was acting fairly casual around royalty, as she was aware, but she believes it’s part of her charm~. Either way, it aided her in convincing the familiar-yet-alien princess of her situation.
Pinkie begrudgingly held the circular apparatus. “Welp, I’d better get going now,” she said, typing in yet another random set of numbers.
“For what it’s worth, Pinkie Pie, I hope you’ll manage to save your… erm, cake,” Celestia gave an awkward smile of encouragement, her ethereal mane flowing in an unfelt wind.
Pinkie nodded back. “Thanks, princess,” she said, and opened another portal. Pinkie turned, gave Celestia an energetic wave, which the princess returned with a more dignified one, and promptly jumped through.
Pinkie was deposited in a cold, dark room. When she heard the swish of the portal vanish, she let her thoughts seep through her mouth.
“Alright, now I’ve seen everything,” she shuddered. “I mean, Celestia with Pink hair? who in their right mind…” she shook her head, getting out of her reverie. There was no time to sulk, after all, so she hastily got out the door, to face a new world.
00:31:42
“Hey guys?” Pinkie nervously chittered as she slowly backed away, “Don’t you think I would be much more helpful, uh, not dead?”
The Eternally Damned Souls Of The Sinful hissed in response, froth drooling from its many hungry mouths.
“I’ll take that as a ‘no’,” she spun on her hooves, then began galloping away from the monster as fast as equinely possible. Her choice of direction wasn’t random, as the spherical object laying discarded ahead indicated. Upon getting close enough, Pinkie reached an outstretched hoof mid-run, and quickly took hold of the device.
Going as fast as she could with three legs, she propped the ball with a hoof and, mashing her snout into the numpad, produced a coordinate, immediately opening a portal thereafter- and it was just in time, as at the moment she jumped through, she felt a few tail hairs being plucked.
Pinkie placed a firm hoof on the crystal floor, using her momentum to spin around and face the portal. After all, she needed to know if to run or not. “C’mon, close already!”
The portal, fortunately enough, listened to her commands.
Pinkie released a breath, relaxing her muscles. “Phew, that was a closey!”
“Uh, what was that, sugarcube?”
Pinkie turned to the familiar voice from behind her. “Oh, hi princess Applejack!” she said without a moment of hesitation. “Do you know dimensional magic, by any chance?”
00:26:31
An explosion sounded nearby. A little too nearby, for Pinkie’s taste.
“Holy stinky-pants!” Pinkie exclaimed as she ducked her head back into the trench, her heartbeat only barely surpassing the ringing in her ears.
“Pfft, ha!” Rainbow Dash, or at least a version of her, laughed. “That’s what ya’ call curse words?” she leaned back into the trench wall, taking care not to put pressure on her sore wing. The other wing wasn’t sore, of course, seeing as it was made of metal. Pinkie thought that was pretty cool.
“Well, I think your meany-words are too meany!” Pinkie harrumphed and looked up to what narrow stretch of the sky she could see without poking out of the trench again. A troop of Pegasi was flying overhead, clad in armor and carrying spears.
Tentatively, Pinkie’s head peaked out of the trench. A battlefield, chaotic enough for Discord to be proud of, was raging from all sides; off at the distance, only barely visible due to the dust kicked up, was the eternal shimmer of the Crystal Empire.
Pinkie wasn’t quite comfortable with the fighting going on around her, even after Rainbow explained to her that their foes were ‘evil and stuff’ and ‘totally mind-controlled’.
Though the thing that caught her eye at the moment was unfortunately too-familiar to her. Only a few paces off, a little outside of all the fighting, stood a mind-controlled masked pony, inspecting what appeared to be a featureless black sphere; save for the three-balloons sticker stuck upon its surface, of course.
“Psst, Rainbow,” Pinkie hissed, “I found it.”
A tuft of rainbow hair poked out of the trench, joining Pinkie’s poorly-concealed pink mane. “What? Where?” Rainbow asked, eyes darting to and fro, though when she followed Pinkie's line of sight, her eyes grew resolved.
"That's what you're after? That ball thing?"
"Unfortunately," Pinkie signed, then focused.
"Okay, so I think we should sneak up on it…" Pinkie trailed off when she realized she was talking to no one- And a rainbow trail was leading right to the object of interest.
Pinkie stared, only half-surprised, at the translucent trail for a moment, then shook her head and hopped out of the trench.
A few moments of galloping after her friend’s trail later, Pinkie arrived at the scene, fully expecting a full-on brawl to occur. She was glad, however, to find a different picture.
Rainbow, one forehoof on an unconscious drone’s head, held a very familiar black orb.
“I believe that that’s yours,” Rainbow said, and tossed the sphere at Pinkie.
Pinkie, staring wide-eyed at the scene, only registered the flying annoyance at the last moment; though she did manage to catch it, thank Celestia. Even if she did have a nice, short meeting with the ground below.
Standing back up and brushing off the dirt, Pinkie tucked the device back to the relative safety of her frizzy mane. “Wow, that was…” she elected not to use the word ‘frightening’. “...Pretty fast!”
“That’s just what I am,” Rainbow shrugged nonchalantly, then looked away.
“And, uh, Rainbow?” Pinkie garnered Rainbow’s attention, who had already begun surveying the field around her. “Thanks. For this. And for believing me, and stuff.”
“Pssh, it was no problem,” Rainbow shrugged it off. “We already have a Pinkie ‘round here, so I knew you meant good.”
Meeting a battle-worn version of her didn’t sound all too enticing to Pinkie. With a quick smash of the sphere-orb-something’s keypad and an even quicker farewell, this world had one less Pinkie Pie.
00:17:12
All was serene in Canterlot Castle. It was the break of dawn, just barely after sunrise, and since most nobles value their beauty sleep, the castle was essentially barren.
And for some odd reason, there was an unattended mop resting on the royal throne.
The mop didn’t care when a woosh permeated the air, followed by the appearance of a swirling portal; nor did it care when a Pink head popped out of said portal, and looked at it with wide, fearful eyes. It didn’t care when the head opened its mouth, took a deep breath, and spoke one single word:
“Nuh-uh.”
Pinkie decided it might be better to skip a universe, for once.
00:11:12
Since his reform, Discord and Pinkie got along fairly well, even if he was a bit over-the-top sometimes. They both shared much in common, and bonded quickly. Honestly, Pinkie was very fond of the reformed Discord.
Unfortunately, this was not the version she got.
“Listen up, meany-head!” Pinkie shouted at the chimera, “I’m gonna say this once!” she took a deep breath, then, with her best puppy-dog eyes, said, “Could you please, pretty please with a cherry on top, teleport me to my world? I know you can do it…”
Discord, for his part, stroked his beard with a lion paw as he sat on his throne. “Hmm, intriguing proposal you’ve got there, little dimensional traveler,” he seemed to be contemplating as Pinkie looked at him expectantly.
“No.”
“Please please please?”
“Nope.”
“...Are you sure?”
“Yep.”
Pinkie’s hair deflated slightly as she pouted, sniffling. In response, Discord snapped his fingers, summoning a popcorn bowl, which he promptly began crunching from. “Look, why should I help you?”
Pinkie looked at him hopefully. “Because… It’d be the right thing to do?”
“Pfft, haha!” The chimera brought a paw to his mouth to stifle the laughter, when he stopped. “Oh, you’re being serious.”
Pinkie was somewhat uncomfortable at that, but Discord continued. “I’m not going to just solve your problems, alright?” He sighed, shaking his head. “Now, I’d recommend you’d get out of my realm very soon, because otherwise…” Discord grew a devilish smirk, “Well, you can find out if you want.”
Pinkie’s eyes widened. “Nonononono,” she said quickly, taking the good-old orb from her mane. “I’ll be out of your mane- err, horns, don’t you worry!”
And with a swoosh, she was gone.
Discord smiled as he leaned into his throne. “Ah, how I miss those six. they were so fun to toy with…”
00:04:57
Pinkie’s hair lay flat as she dejectedly walked through the empty streets of an alien Ponyville. This universe was another bust, and she wasn’t sure how much more of those she could tolerate before she’d lose all hope.
Not that there was much to lose now anyway.
Pinkie dragged her eyes away from the road below, noticing for the first time where her legs took her; and those same legs almost gave out upon seeing the local bakery, so familiar she could mistake it for her own- only acting as a reminder for what she had lost.
“My perfect cake…” she quietly wailed in tones antithetical to her usual demeanor.
Lamenting on her misery had no use, however. She did want to get back home, after all, cake or not. With that thought, Pinkie begrudgingly grabbed the sphere, which was stored in her mane, and wrote a random set of numbers; she didn’t have the power to be creative.
When the too-familiar swishing of the portal appeared, she didn’t waste any time, and without a look back, Pinkie trudged through.
Pinkie tentatively walked forwards as the portal closed behind her, not wanting to start another incident- and suddenly stopped as she recognized just where she had dropped off to. Sure, everything seemed so tall from her shorter pony stature, but this obviously was-
“Don’t worry, Mrs. Cake, I’ll go get it!” The source of the voice was hidden from behind a door, but Pinkie immediately recognized it. Excited, Pinkie watched as a familiar figure hopped through the door. Pink poofy hair, two legs, two arms- yep, that seals it.
“Ohmygosh!” Pinkie pranced in place from excitement. “Human me!”
The second Pinkie seemed surprised for a moment, but only a moment. “Pony me!” she returned, leaping to her counterpart’s side. “What are you doing in the storage room? and why are you a pony here?”
Pinkie was overjoyed at finally meeting someone she knew; actually knew, not just an alternate version.. “Oooh that’s a long story,” she said, “so I was baking this perfect ca-”
Wait a minute.
“Oh Celestia, I can still save it!” Pinkie all but shouted. “Look, I’ll explain it later but right now I really gotta-go-okay-bye!”
And so, Pinkie quickly dashed towards the local schoolhouse, and the portal it contained, leaving one very confused human in the dust.
The human scratched her head. “Y’know, there was something weird about her…”
00:00:(-10)
Sugarcube Corner’s kitchen was tranquil. The only sounds were that of the chirping birds outside, and the whirring of an oven.
Until a Pink blur slammed the door open. Without missing a beat, it all but teleported to the oven, quickly turning it off and opening its door.
After inspecting the baked goods inside and seeing it was not ruined, the no-longer-a-blur wiped her brow. “Gosh, I really should have thought of setting a timer; this could have been a disaster!”
With those closing words, the Pink pony grabbed a pair of oven mitts and snatched the soon-to-be sugary delight, her mind already thinking about the next stage in the process, when-
Pinkie Pie rushed the room, announcing her arrival with a clatter of pans and pots. “AH!” she shouted, then murmured, “I don’t remember this being here…”
Pinkie shook her head, shaking off the dizziness, when she noticed that, standing shocked by the oven, was herself.
Pinkie glanced frantically between the unicorn horn on her alternate’s forehead to the blueberry muffins she held in her oven mitts, then turned her gaze to the ceiling.
“Poop.”
