“It’s alright, baby. You’re gonna be okay.” I spent the better part of a half hour trying to console my terrified wife. We were in a carriage- one with a closed top, space for storage, and curtains which could be shut over the window. What I’m saying is, we didn’t have to worry about a pegasus spotting us from above. Once we get away from this city, we should be able to travel through the small towns of this nation unimpeded until we reach the ocean.

I lit up a cigarette and handed it to her. “Here, it’ll help.” She took a drag and immediately started hacking up a lung; but once she calmed down, she giggled.

“I hate smoking, you know that?” She said, handing the smoke back.

“Yeah but it helped, didn’t it? Those are the first words you’ve said to me since we got here.” I gladly opted to help her finish that cigarette and she huffed, crossing her arms.

“I’m still mad at you, though.” she gave me a playful smack on the shoulder, “You tricked me!”

“Well, I got us out, didn’t I! And I’m sorry.” And I really did mean that. “I hate that I had to lie to you, but it was the best way I could make it believable. I had to make them believe they were in danger of dying a horrible death.” She sighed in defeat.

“Yeah, I know… but fuck! I saw my life flash before my eyes for a minute there!” She was clutching her chest- no doubt, her heart was still racing. I wrapped her in a hug, even throwing my wings around her back.

“Baby, I would never put you in any sort of real danger. I promise.” I nuzzled her forehead then pulled back.

“Yeah, but… but what about that gas can?”

“Helium. There never was any real danger aside from getting caught.” I gave her a smug smirk and she let out a sigh of relief. “And besides. When we eventually take power, I would still like there to be open diplomatic relations between our two nations someday. That- and I’d rather not be branded a terrorist.”

She giggled and said, “Yeah, that’s a fair point. Well, baby- what’s the plan now? Hopefully it doesn’t involve me almost having a heart attack?” I just shrugged at her, taking my dress off.

“I’ll keep that as the contingency.” I strapped on all my holsters and put my pistols away, throwing my favorite coat-and-capelet combo on. I tore the dress up a bit and threw it out the window- hopefully, it would create even a brief distraction for any search parties.

“So my plan is we’re gonna be taking the long way home. We’ll be making our way through the less developed western part of Equestria. The population’s less dense, the forests are thicker, and the ponies are… less than reputable. The perfect place for someone like us, huh?” She bit her lip in response.

“Well… if you’re sure.” She said, and I yawned.

“It’s getting late. Try and get some rest?” I said, putting my hat to the side and using my wife's lap as a pillow.

“Are you kidding me?” She said with a smirk.

“Nuh.” I said, wrapping my arms around her hips. “This is my pillow. It was made for me.” I nuzzled her thigh and got comfy.

“Ugh… I swear, you’re worse than an actual cat.” She giggled and started petting my back, and I couldn’t help but smile.

“And like a cat, if you attempt to move me, I will commit random acts of violence. This is your life now and you’re stuck with me.”

“And I wouldn’t want it any other way, baby.”

The next day around noon, I had my guys park our carriage in a clearing in some woods. They would be heading towards a nearby town to pick up some stuff for us- mainly canned food, water, cigarettes, and aspirin. You know- all four food groups necessary to sustain life.

“I have to wonder… What was Twilight thinking when she invited us?” Dee asked, and I paused to really think about that one.

“The more I think about it, the more I realize it wasn't a bad idea in concept. In fact, I’m willing to bet that the reason she wanted us to go on this trip is so she could raid our apartment in our absence. But again- I thought ahead. Anything valuable or important was left with Ulysses. And even if that wasn’t the case, the feds probably already raided our apartment in the aftermath of last night.” I gave a smug smile. “Too bad there’s nothing left to find.” Except for all our toys. That… that’ll probably raise some questions, and potentially even act as a red herring.

Like, if you saw half the shit we had there, your first thought would be they’re definitely torturing ponies in here.

“Still… the fact that she could’ve pulled it off if she put a little more thought into it is concerning.”

“I think there’s also the simple fact that she didn’t expect me to try anything stupid surrounded by guards. In her mind, she was thinking I’d throw my hands up when the guards started filling the room, and honest to fuck, that’s a fair assumption to make. But the reality of it is, I’m not afraid to try something stupid to get out of a situation like that.” I giggled, “I remember one time my Mamma told me- just because you get away with something stupid, doesn’t make it any less stupid!”

I was brought out of my musing by a knock on our carriage door. Three knocks, followed by a pause and two brisk strokes was the code that told me it was one of my guys outside.

“What’s the word?” I asked, and one of my guys handed me up a couple bags full of supplies. The way I had it set up was a sort of relay system- every day, we’d get a new carriage puller which I had set up all along the trail we’d be taking. That way we’d constantly be on the move.

I fished through the bag for the aspirin, popping a couple to stave off the probable headache.

“Boss? You may wanna look at this as well.” He handed a rolled up newspaper to me.

“Oh… shit.” On the front page, underneath the headline, was a picture of Dee and I… in full color. We were at the gala- and I had my face angled slightly so my scar wouldn’t be visible.

“Well, honey… How'd the picture turn out?” I asked her.

“WHAT!?” she yelled, yanking it out of my hands. “Oh, shit!... Well, at least we look good.”

“Evidently, they spared no expense on the photography.” I deadpanned, moving over next to my wife so we could both read the paper. Damn near the entire thing was dedicated to last night's clusterfuck and I don’t even know where to start.

Well, there was the fact that we managed to humiliate Captain Gallus on his first day on the job. We also humiliated Twilight in much the same manner and have made ponies question her efficacy as a ruler. Some ponies are even demanding that Celestia, and even Luna to a lesser extent, take the throne back from Twilight.

There’s also debate on whether or not chlorine gas was real, since I managed to bluff them all into thinking that a tank of helium spelled the doom of my wife and I, a horde of annoying nobles, Princess Aspergers, and the traitorous reject of the Blue Man Group. Speaking of him, the gossip mills are going apeshit with the idea that Gallus came from a degenerate criminal background. And in the aftermath of the whole thing, apparently he and Twilight got into an argument about how dumb of an idea it was to send us the invite so early.

But what really caught our eyes were the personal interviews. Gallus vowed to bring the two of us to justice. Twilight didn’t have much to say on the matter- but then again, she was interrupted mid-interview. Celestia said that she believes that, despite this minor setback, Twilight will figure out a way to resolve the issue without violence. Luna… when she was being interviewed along with Celestia, she muttered something along the lines of preventing another disaster… whatever she was referring to.

The most interesting part, however, was the interview with my Mamma. She was quite furious with Twilight- Actually, she interrupted Twilight when they were interviewing her in her castle to give her a piece of her mind. The report was heavily cut down, but I imagine it had a lot of “Why, I oughta!’s” and a bunch of “motherfucking” going on, as well as menacing fist waving.

There was one more interview after that one.

“We also asked Mr. and Mrs. Rich for any thoughts or comments on the matter involving their daughter. Mr. Rich said he hopes that Mrs. Tiara will come to her senses and return home, hoping that by turning herself in she will receive a lighter sentence. When we asked Mrs. Rich about her thoughts on the matter, her response was- ‘Daughter? What daughter? I have no daughter.’ Check tomorrow for more updates as our story develops!”

…

“Oh, shit… I’m sorry, babe.” I said to my wife. She was just holding the newspaper and trembling. She had a haunted look in her eyes and I immediately pulled her into a hug, lightly stroking her back.

“She… she…”

“Just let it out, baby. I’m here for you.” She cried meekly into my shoulder and I honestly felt guilty over it. “I’m sorry to drag you into this.”

She sniffled, “I-it’s not that… and it’s not your fault… I just…” She choked back another sob and I just gently petted her back. The carriage lurched forward and I knew for sure that we were in private.

“Look, I know what it’s like to have an uncaring mother. Back when I was still human.” I said, and her cries slowed down slightly. “But if there’s anything that experiencing two lives has taught me, it’s that family is who you make. Not who you’re born from.” She pulled back and I nuzzled her cheek.

“We’re gonna make it through this, baby. Just the two of us.” I said with a smile. Someday, Mamma will come around- but until then, I’ll have her in my heart. Finally, my wife smiled and kissed me on the cheek.

“Yeah… yeah! We’ll show them, we’ll show them all!” She said with a giggle.

I couldn’t agree more.

The next few weeks were difficult and slow going, but very safe. Being accused of high treason, we had quite large targets over our heads- so we acted accordingly. We were constantly swapping drivers and carriages- the only other times we stopped were to use the bathroom or stretch our legs once or twice a day. Well, “bathroom” in heavy quotations. For many days at a time, we were well far from civilization, and even when we were close, we still took our chances in the forest.

Personally, I had no problem with it, knowing damn well I’ve survived in far greasier situations… but it was really taking a toll on my wife. She would complain every time she had to go, whining about how it was embarrassing and unladylike. Every time we’d sit down to eat, she’d complain that she’s tired of eating cold canned food- and what the fuck was I supposed to do about that? We were in a wooden carriage and we couldn’t afford to stop and make a fire. I wasn’t happy about it either- but I just tried to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

Speaking of which- we were soon approaching Califoalnia, where we’d take a cargo ship across the ocean to Fertilia. We parked in a clearing in the woods where our wagon was approached by a bunch of my associates.

“Alright boys, listen up.” I said, walking to the back of the wagon. There was a locked chest in the back which only I had the key for. “I’m gonna need a massive diversion to get my wife and I to the docks.” I tossed my cigarette to the side.

Inside the chest were several things- a map of the city, molotovs, a couple pistols, and dynamite… which is why I decided to throw the cigarette away.

“Hang on, how long has that stuff been in here?” Dee asked, and I smirked.

“Ever since we last swapped wagons.” My face straightened, and I turned to my gang. “Pay’ll be five times what you’re all used to, and if any of you get caught, I have top notch lawyers on standby.” I rolled out the map and explained the plan.

The gist of it was that on one side of the city, one group was gonna rob a bank- that’s what the dynamite was for. On the other side of the city were some abandoned warehouses which the other group would burn down. My thinking is that both things happening at once would thin out any possible police presence, giving my wife and I access to the ocean where we would board a ship.

I knew the captain and he owed me a favor, so we wouldn’t have to worry about getting caught as stowaways. Once I told them the plan and gave them a rough estimate of how much money they’d make, they all happily agreed.

And so, that just left Dee and I to wait. About an hour later, a plume of black smoke was rising from one side of the town, and not long after that, a faint boom could be heard echoing in the distance.

“Ready?” I said to my wife, and she nodded. “Keep your head low and act natural.” I instructed her, and we made our way into town. We were moving at a brisk pace side by side, making sure to take less-populated streets to the docks. After a long journey, we were almost there.

The ship we were taking was a rusty old bucket which was often used for shipping massive quantities of food from Fertilia- after all, it’s one of the few industries still thriving in my home country.

“You’re gonna love Fertilia, baby.” I said to her as we climbed up the gangplank. “It’s fuckin beautiful- just like you.” I gave her a quick nuzzle on the cheek as I approached the captain.

“Ahab! You all ready to go?” I asked him. He was every sailor stereotype, even down to his white beard and missing eye. He wore a yellow rain hat and now that I think about it- how the fuck do beards on beaks work? I’ve seen a few griffons with mustaches, but they just look silly in my opinion.

We made our way below deck where we’d be sleeping in the crew quarters. The place was dirty and the bunks were raggedy, but it was safe.

“Gah, this place is such a mess! And all the salt in the air is gonna be terrible for my mane! And-” I put a finger to her lips.

“Babe. I love you with all my heart. I would kill for you, I would die for you, and I’d take over the world for you if you so wanted. If you wanted Celestia dead, I’d find a way to make it happen.” I took a deep breath, “But if you don’t stop complaining, I’m throwing you overboard.” I deadpanned, and she chuckled in response.

“Ohh… whatever.” she said, hopping onto the bed and sighing. “Fuck… it’s good to have a proper bed at least. Even a shitty one.” I smiled and motioned for her to move over. The bed was kinda small- so I cuddled her tight to save as much room as possible.

“So out of curiosity,” She started, “How’re a bunch of lawyers gonna get those guys out of… whatever the fuck they got up to?” I just looked at her with a wide, shit-eating grin.

“What lawyers?”

Author's Note

NEW LEONA ART!

I don't have much to say about this one- but I will say, we're getting closer and closer to Leona's ultimate goal... Whether or not that's a good thing, only time will tell.

As always, thank you for reading! Likes and comments are always greatly appreciated :3