A Princess Walks into a Bar

by Animak

Rating: mature
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Narcotics, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Porn, Sex, Profanity, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 1991

While on vacation, Celestia goes into a bar and things happen

While on vacation in the human world with her sister, Princess Celestia( retaining her ponyform) goes into a bar to unwind with a few drinks. While there she gets chat up by a fellow named Jack. they get along a bit then things happen.

Written for

Postmodern

for Summer Sin 23.

Published 2023-08-05 19:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-08-05 19:10:00 UTC

Things do happen

With a sigh Celestia walked into a bar in the human world and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender blinked a bit, looked at some of the other customers there, whom shrugged at the sight of the alicorn at the bar. Embracing this absurdity the bartender asks what she would like, to which Celestia shrugs and asks for a recommendation, to which the bartender then serves her a mug of beer.

She thanks him and starts drinking, enjoying the human world beer. It hadn't been her intention to visit the human world but Twilight's description of it to Luna made her all the more curious to want to go, though both she and Luna weren't keen on the idea of 'portal transmogrification' as Luna put it. So with some arcane tinkering and what not, the two sisters made some hooflets to let them keep their pony forms. Though as much as it was a convenience not to have to learn how to move in a new body, their natural form drew a lot of attention, which admittedly detracted from the trip. So then right now here she was, in a hoodie and a buckball hat at a bar in this world's Whinnyapolis, drinking a surprisingly good beer.

“So a horse walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink, where have I heard that one before?” she hears a fellow approach her from the side and takes a seat by her.

“I'm a pony, not a horse” Celestia replies in a tired tone.

“You're kind of big to be a pony aren't you?” The fellow asks. Celestia looks at him, He's a human fellow, about 35 years old she'd guess, palish pink skin with brown hair and steel blue eyes. His clothing though, dark jeans, red checkered shirt and a pale denim jacket, feels like an eye sore.

“Well you're kind of big for a monkey aren't you?” Celestia says pointedly.

“I'm not a....ok ok I see where you're going with that” He chuckles” Names Jack by the way” he tells her.

Celestia hmms mulling him over but decides to chat him up” Celestia, you seem...a bit nonplussed about a talking winged pony in a bar.” she remarks.

“I've seen some weirder shit, plus the idea of 'magic, portals, and things beyond our ken' aren't exactly things we humans we're ignorant of, just takes a bit longer for word to get around. I'm guessing you know that odd little group of teen girls at that school in Canterlot?” Jack asks.

Celestia nods” That I am” she says before drinking more of her beer.

Jack nods” I see I see, so what brings you here then?” he asks.

“Tourism, my sister wanted to see a few of the sights this world has to offer, we are here right now to see the Great Lakes nearby” Celestia tells him.

“Well it's a good time of year to come see them, but why are you in a bar though?” Jack asks her.

Celestia sighs” I needed a break somewhere there aren't young fillies err young girls wanting to be made into princesses or requests for 'magical horsey rides', that got old on day three of our trip here” Celestia goes and finishes her beer.

Jack nods” I imagine that would be a drain on the trip, so how long has your trip been then?”

“4 months” Celestia says dryly. She spots the bartender and gestures for another round, to which the fellow nods and goes to fill it.

“Does that do much for you, human beer?” Jack asks.

“Not really, ponies have high natural tolerances for alcohol it seems, alicorns especially” Celestia says.

“Err alicorns?” Jack asks.

“Ah, that's what I am, an alicorn, a pony who is an earth pony, pegasus and unicorn all in one” Celestia explains.

“Ok....how is that different from a winged unicorn then?” Jack asks.

“There's plenty of differences” Celestia goes.

“Well name them” Jack retorts,the bartender now having refilled both his and Celestia's beers.

Celestia and him argue for about an hour over the differences between an alicorn and a winged unicorn, or at least she thinks it's an hour, with the drinks and the chatting her internal clock is a bit eschewed. After that first hour or length of indeterminate amount of time, the two then switched to whiskey, as per Jack's suggestion. Celestia wasn't sure about switching to what Jack described as a 'hard liquor', nary a thing had ever existed before in Equestria to her knowledge, but she tried it anyway. After about three 'shots' as he called them she was unsure whether or not to thank Jack or cuss him out because the two were now playing tonsil hockey in the bed of Jack's pickup truck in the bar parking lot. They were kissing at the bar but the bartender 'politely asked them' to leave the premises, something about not allowing 'bestiality' in the bar.

Right now she didn't care much about all that then feeling a bit bold she broke the kiss with Jack” Hey, want to do something.....stupid but fun?” she asks him.

“I thought we already were?” Jack goes.

“I meant more stupid but fun” Celestia goes.

“Sure I'm game” Jack goes. About ten minutes later the two are in this cheap and seedy motel, apparently within somewhat decent walking distance from the bar. Jack is now naked on the bed as Celestia, now equally naked, is sucking him off 'oh the scandal if everyone back home knew' she thinks to herself. She then lets Jack's dick slide from her mouth” Can I tell you something?” Celestia asks.

“Yeah sure” Jack pants.

“This is so far the best sex I've had in....I honestly can't remember” Celestia goes.

Jack chuckles” We've barely begun and I'm already great, must have had some shitty lovers”.

“It's a bit more....complicated than that, but yes they did leave me unsatisfied usually. So” Celestia gets a devious look in her eye” I want you to do something that my other lovers wouldn't do” Celestia goes.

“Sure, name it, water sports, anal, rimming, ear stuff?” Jack asks.

“Dirty talk” Celestia goes.

“Uh, just that?” Jack asks, a bit bewildered.

Celestia nods” Alicorns are kind of a big deal in my world, like there's only a few of us, and we are revered greatly, like gods, so none of my lovers would ever talk to me anything less than politely, and I so crave novelty” Celestia looks at him seductively.

Jack finds himself getting much harder” Well ok then, let it never be said I never left a bed partner unsatisfied, that said, I would like a sample list of what stuff is 'off the table' regarding dirty talk.”

“Uh why?” Celestia asks.

“Nothing kills the mood quicker than boundaries being violated, trust me I know” Jack tells her.

“That's....quite reasonable actually” Celestia admits then spends a moment thinking of what boundaries she has regarding dirty talk and relays that to Jack.

Jack nods and they begin” So you like sucking off human cock don't you?” he goes huskily. Celestia merely nods “So why don't you do it some more you dirty girl?” Jack goes. Her arousal rising Celestia continues sucking, blowing and licking Jack's shaft and balls. “Ah, I'm gonna cum, want me to cum in your dirty mouth or on your slutty face?” Jack asks her.

Celestia pauses blowing Jack a moment” My face”.

Jack shakes his head” Say it differently”.

“I want you to cum on my face” Celestia goes.

“Try again slut” Jack says.

“I want you to cum on my slutty face” Celestia says, getting hot and bothered.

“Again” Jack goes, now jacking himself off furiously.

“I want you to cum on my slutty face” Celestia goes.

“One more time with feeling” Jack goes.

“Cum on my Slutty face” Celestia goes.

Jack grunts and his jizz goes all over Celestia's face, whom just moans a bit feeling it on her and licks a bit and moans “salty” she comments.

Jack chuckles”Shall we get to the main event then?”

“Well, I like the idea, but well” Celestia plays with his deflating erection a bit” He needs some rest and then there's....other concerns” she says.

Jack nods' Fair point, hmm how about I use this?” he gestures to his arm” Like I use this as like, in lieu of my dick?”

Celestia hmms” That....could work”.

Jack smiles and stands up” Good, so how about you be a good little slut and get yourself ready on the bed while I go clean my arm a bit?” Jack says huskily.

Celestia nods and does as he suggests, laying her front down on the bed while hiking her butt and tail up, feeling both a bit embarrassed but also thrilled. She then hears the sink turn off and Jack walking out”Nice” she hears him say.

“This all for me?” Jack goes.

“Yes” Celestia moans out.

“So does the pretty pony want me to arm fuck her pretty pony pussy?” Jack goes, his right hand teasing her outer labia and clit.

“Yes” Celestia moans.

“I'm sorry I didn't hear you” Jack tease her.

“Yes I want you to arm fuck me” Celestia says.

“Hmm you can do better than that” Jack says, teasing and tugging at her labia more.

“Yes I want you to arm fuck my pussy” Celestia moans.

“Again you can do better than that” Jack teases her clit.

“Yes I want you to arm fuck my pretty pony pussy” Celestia moans.

“Again with feeling” Jack says, lightly fingering her now.

“YES I WANT YOU TO ARM FUCK MY PRETTY PONY PUSSY!” Celestia shouts.

Jack chuckles” Say no more” and then further sticks his right arm into Celestia's warm crevasse

Celestia moans as she feels him fill her up. Now while not a cock, it's still one of the biggest things she's had go up there,' Oh fuck yes' she thinks, her mouth about drooling into the pillow. Soon she feels him reach her cervix, moaning once more at the sensation.

Jack chuckles” Half way up my bicep” he remarks before he slowly starts pulling his arm out.

Celestia continues her moaning” You're going to move it back in there right?” she asks.

“Well I was thinking that, how do you want it then?” Jack goes.

“I want it hard and fast” Celestia tells him.

“Is that all?” Jack asks, teasing and tickling her inner cavity, much to Celestia's delight” Do you want like a lover would do or like some scuzzbag would fuck a hooker?” He asks dirtly.

Celestia pants a bit” I want it like a hooker” she goes.

Jack ceases his movement” You know you can do better than that Celly” he smirks at her.

Celestia about whimpers” I want you to fuck my like a hooker” she goes.

“I can't quite hear you” Jack goes teasingly.

“I Want You To FUCK ME LIKE A FIVE BIT HOOKER” Celestia goes, losing her cool a little bit from the play and teasing.

“Good” Jack goes and starts thrusting his arm in and out of Celestia pussy like a piston, slow at first but gaining speed after Celestia's pussy juices. Her moaning gets loader and more frequent as she nears an orgasm.”OOHHH FUUUUUUUCK” She says as she cums, her inner muscles squeezing Jack's arm, much to his surprise and delight.

“Ready for more then?” Jack asks with a grin. Celestia merely nods as she pants for breath, getting ready for the next round.

Outside the motel room door, Luna, in her own hoodie and buckball hat, is enjoying a red slushie, listening in to Celestia and her present lovers ministrations from inside” Damn my sister was pent up” she remarks, and continues drinking her slushie.

Author's Note

An entry for Shakespearicles Summer Sin event

Not my usual kind of thing but was interesting to write.