Twilight's X-Rated Bookshelf
Twilight loved being an alicorn princess, really she did.
The opportunity to help so many other creatures all over Equestria with her added authority… the ability to fly really helped with navigating all those ‘bonus’ flights of stairs at her new castle… and as for her extra powers…
Well, let’s just say any cackling evildoers had better come prepared if they planned to conquer the world, ‘cos this lavender mare was packing!
There was one thing she kind of missed from her old life though, aside from the comparable anonymity it gave her (those obsessive tourist types from Manehattan could drive you crazy very quickly, especially when they started scaling drainpipes) and her snug little tree house compared to the baroque behemoth of a building she resided in now…
…And that was being a librarian. She adored conversing with her regulars, recommending which books they should try next, sorting through piles and piles of bestsellers, irritatingly tapping the ‘PLEASE BE QUIET’ sign vigorously when a loudish conversation broke out between patrons… yes, those were the good ol’ days. Now it was all public ceremonies, negotiating peace treaties, posing pretentiously for the cover of ‘Royal Equines Monthly’...
Wait a second. Why does it have to be over? I’ve still got all my old books from Ponyville library, and plenty of space to store them now. I can juggle my princessly duties and still help the residents in town with their literature needs. And when I’m absent, they can browse and check stuff out at their leisure! After all, nothing could possibly go missing; I know exactly how many thousands of tomes I have right down to the last decimal point! Who says you can’t have it all? Hurray!
So, that’s exactly what she did: set up an intricate system whereby anypony could feel at ease to take whatever medium of the printed word they pleased, as long as they returned it complete within two to three weeks, with each page fully intact and no fancy writing or hoofdrawn stick ponies inside (this was mostly a problem with the colts and fillies section, admittedly).
Everything seemed to be going so well. The populace at large got their book-related fix when they needed it, Twilight felt satisfied that her tireless endeavours led to a more educated community in general and the days of dusty old volumes being left on the shelf to be of use to no-one apart from homeless spiders were no more.
That is, until one fateful morning not so long ago.
Want to know what happened? Well, I’m going to tell you anyway.
So there.
*****************************
Twilight was blithely sitting at her desk, filling in a few forms from happy ‘customers’ regarding some recently returned novels.
Hmm. Daring-Do is still our most popular choice with all age brackets, no surprises there. But there has been a slight downturn in the borrowing of A.K Yearling’s latest work… could it be due to those recent controversial comments she made about mares being mares and stallions being stallions, with no room for debate? I know what I think, but I am not touching that hot topic with a fifty-foot… “Oh hi there, sir! And how can I best assist you on this glorious summer’s day we’re lucky enough to be having?
Momentarily distracted by her private thoughts, Twilight sprung back to life as soon as she heard the front door squeak ajar, and a male teenage pony stood there anxiously in the threshold. His anxious face was a mixture of worry and pimples, and it looked like he really, really wanted to ask something, but couldn’t quite pluck up the courage..
“H-Hello t-t-there. U-ummmm… I-I w-was e-expecting… s-someone e-else t-to b-be h-here.”
Someone else? But I’m the only one who’s ever been in charge of distributing books. “You must be mistaken, sir. For these are all my books, and it is solely my responsibility to check them out and in. Now, is there anything I can help you w…”
“NO! I-I m-mean, sorry Miss. I-I’m just not used to talking to girls. I-I’ll find it myself, if that’s okay with you.” The youthful pony frantically waved his hooves in the air, and Twilight even thought she detected a slight bead of sweat trickling down his acne-encrusted forehead.
“Alright, I suppose…” Twilight gave in with an arched eyebrow, and no sooner had those words left her mouth than the young stallion charged past her, galloping towards the very back of the library, moving a ladder to reach a prohibitively high place, and then…
“No, no… this isn’t it, far too tame… and I read this other one last time, I can tell by all the sticky stai… wait. I've found it! Woohoo! I’ve been waiting for this one to arrive for ages and it’s still in mint condition! No creases, crinkles or anything! I am so going to enjoy tonight…!”
Suddenly realising his jubilant cries could be heard across the entire hall, the four-legged youth halted his raucous celebration to retreat once more into his shell as he approached the door again. “E-er, this is all I’ll be needing today, thanks. Tell Mr SW I said ‘cheers’. W-well, bye now!”
“ ‘Mr SW’?! Curiouser and curiouser… Twilight pondered internally, as the young stallion did his best to discreetly hide whatever unknown publication he’d picked out from the depths whilst making a swift exit. Well, as long as he brings it back in time and doesn’t pop any zits over it, I guess it doesn’t matter… hang on, we have another avid reader about to enter! We really are on fire today… or, perhaps I ought to rephrase that. After all, I don’t wait to jinx a major blaze in here with all these books scattered about…
The superstitious alicorn quickly pulled herself together as her second visitor of the day approached, and this aristocratic individual was in sharp contrast to her last somewhat dishevelled guest. It was a finely-dressed middle-aged mare, with her nose in the air and a fancy gait when she walked.
This new arrival glanced around the area with slight disdain, before grandly trotting forward to address Twilight in a fine cut-glass accent. “Excuse me, you there. I was wondering if you had anything on Water Sports…”
Finally, somepony a bit more normal. I’ll put that weird experience I just had out of my head and concentrate on the rest of the day. “Of course, Madam. May I ask you what in particular you’re looking for? Swimming? Sailing? Jet-skiing? Or…”
“Jet-skiing?! Excuse me, is this some kind of sick joke?” The posh mare fumed at the alicorn through her single golden monocle. “Never mind, I’ll get it myself. Honestly, with the calibre of gent ‘The Big D’ is, you’d think he’d hire better ponies to be his assistant. I’ve a good mind to have a few words in his ear about your conduct today young Missy, let me tell you…”
“W-Wha… What are you talking about?” And who in Equestria is ‘The Big D’?! Twilight was left with more questions than answers as the wealthy mare trotted haughtily over to roughly the same area that the younger visitor from earlier retrieved his book from, although with far less hesitation and much more confidence.
After discovering what she was looking for, and taking the time to give the mollified Twilight a final contemptible humph, the snobbish mare was away once more, making sure to slam the door behind her for good measure.
Well that was… thoroughly unpleasant. Twilight stared at the closed door with a large frown, but also a strong feeling of bewilderment. But again, I ask myself… what in Celestia is going on here? Have I put too many caffeine supplements in my coffee again? Perhaps I’ve been studying too hard into the wee small hours. Did I bang my head when I got up this morning? This growth spurt I’ve experienced recently is sure going to take some getting used to…
Whatever deranged dream the alicorn unwillingly found herself participating in looked set to continue, though. For she’d no sooner settled back down to restart her work, when once more the door swung open without so much as a knock… and it was safe to say that even in comparison to the last two weirdos Twilight had the discourtesy of acquaintancing, this well-insulated individual stood out.
“Oh look. All-over leather bodysuit, covered in metal chains, carrying a whip. Go figure.
“Mmmmmm.”
“Sorry, my bad. I didn’t notice you were wearing an iron gag too. Care to take it off for a second, so we can actually communicate properly?”
“Mmm mmm!”
“...I guess not. Pardon me for taking a wild stab in the dark, but I’m going to guess that you’re going to want to visit that far-off bookshelf, located wwaayy over there as far as the eye can see. Is that right?”
“Mmmm.”
“Don’t mind me, just hop over there to your heart’s content. I’ll just be sitting here, slowly losing my marbles as to what the hay is happening. You might want to loosen that gimp mask a tad, though. I fear you may be in danger of suffocating if you carry on…”
“Mmmm mmmm mmmm!!”
“Want me to mind my own business, huh? That’s fine. Glad you found what you were looking for, anyway. I would say ‘close the door on your way out’, but something tells me that’s beyond your capacity, considering how strung-up you are. Just tell me before you go… did anypony in particular send you here today? ‘Mr SW’, perhaps? Or ‘The Big D’?”
“Mmm Mmm?”
“Never mind… just, goodbye.” Twilight watched the somewhat entangled mute pony bound out the door with stupefaction, and she was just about to scream the whole chamber down with dolour, when…
“Geez, who was that total wack-job in the all-over leather gear? Probably into all kinds of kinky stuff. Anyway, how you doin’, luv? I’m here on unofficial business and…”
Another equine had unintentionally crept up to Twilight in the wake of the last pony’s bizarre shenanigans, but this guy seemed different from those that had gone before. Let’s see. Not an immature kid, not a pompous old mare, not a… whatever the Tartarus that last freakshow was… praise be. Just when I was thinking I’d lost all contact with sanity.
“Hello there, sir. Sorry about that last… ‘guest’, who I personally guarantee is not representative of our general clientele at all. Anyway, if I may be so bold to ask, what is it you’re looking for today? I do hope it’s something nice and normal: you see, I’ve had rather a long…”
“Relax, doll. All I’m looking for is something involving kids, fillies and colts… if you know what I mean. It is possible for them to have a perfectly normal, healthy relationship with a grown-up, you know. I mean, who is society to decide what is ‘morally acceptable’ and ‘conforming to standards’?”
“Oh, I couldn’t agree with you more, sir! I believe in mentally enriching future generations of foals more than anything, and we should be able to take the fruits of our knowledge to benefit the adult ponies of tomorrow. So, do you want directions to the children’s department? We have a wide range of both educational and entertaining literature to offer your sons or daughters, and…”
“... Sorry darling, but there appears to be some kind of misunderstanding here. I don’t have any family at home, and I don’t want books that are designed for kids. What I’m actually looking for is…”
“Get out of here, you disgusting pervert!!”
That last shouted interruption there was from a hurriedly-on-the-scene Spike, who’s unaccountable anger stunned Twilight as he breathed green flames at the suddenly-terrified stallion who was now nervously backing away towards the door.
“Didn’t I tell you thrice already that we don’t cater to your kind of ‘specialist interests’ here? Now get out, before I burn you to a crisp!!”
The panicked stallion seemed to take the hint and whimperingly galloped away with his tail between his legs (literally, as Spike had seen fit to give his undercarriage a bit of a roasting en route) a response which left the dragon firmly nodding his head with satisfaction.
“That takes care of that filthy deviant, now back to business…” Spike turned to Twilight next, who by now was starting to put together the clues in her head. “I guess you have a few questions, huh…?”
“Let me guess… ‘Mr SW’, I presume? ‘The Big D’? Or ‘Mmm Mmm’, as the Gimp Guy put it?”
“Oh, you must’ve met Chad, Mrs Bingley and… I never did catch the name of that other leather-covered pony. Mostly because they never talk in coherent sentences, but oh well. Live and let live, that’s what I always say.” Spike shrugged his shoulders, before he carried on speaking. “Sorry for not being here for my regulars, but I thought you were out today. Guess that conference you had with the other Princesses got cancelled, and you forgot to tell me. Go figure…”
“It got moved to the fifth, because Luna is in bed recovering from rather a nasty case of Night Fever, Cadence is celebrating her anniversary with my brother and Celestia… wait, why am I informing you about all this?! You’re the one that owes me an explanation, not the other way around! So spill, mister! And this better be good!”
“Okay, here goes…” Spike took in a deep breath, before deciding he was ready to tell all. “You know how I’ve stopped begging you for a raise recently?”
“Yes, something that I’m very grateful for. As you know, just because I’m a Princess now doesn’t mean I get to see any extra bits… and diamonds and rubies don’t exactly grow on trees…”
“I know, you find them underground; but that’s beside the point. What I’m getting at is. I managed to figure out my own way to supplement a bit of extra income. I started my own business, servicing the good citizens of Ponyville’s more ‘unique’ interests. I didn’t think you’d mind if I ‘borrowed’ one of your spare shelves to help me with my portfolio, but it’s a very healthy climate right now for an entrepreneurial dragon like myself. I may be looking at expanding soon, if the market continues to flourish as exponentially as it is…”
“Wait, wait, wait…” Twilight rubbed her muzzle vigorously, as if trying to process all this new information about her dark-horse of an assistant. “Since when did you talk like Filthy Rich? And you mean to tell me, you’ve twisted the blessed sanctity of this fine institution of learning, in order to make money catering to other creatures creepy... fetishes? I don’t even know where to begin, with all the problems I have with that…”
“As long as I'm servicing a part of society that often gets ignored by everyone else, they don’t hurt anybody else in their ‘personal activities’ and I’m earning big rewards from it, who cares is what I say. Plus, you’re always telling me I should take initiative for any good ideas I might have, instead of relying on you for advice all the time…”
“Yes, but this isn’t exactly what I… Why are you calling yourself all these strange new nicknames anyway? And what’s with all these new friends of yours, who bothered me while I was trying to work?”
“In a nutshell, Mr SW means ‘Spikey Wikey’ and ‘Big D’ means ‘Big Dragon… please don’t laugh, it hurts my feelings. I have to have a few street names, after all; as popular as my new business is, there are still a few stick-in-the-muds who wouldn’t understand the invaluableness of providing such an essential service, plus considering my close links to you in your new position, it could be quite a royal scandal if word ever got out…”
Mutter “Thank you, Mr ‘Spikey Wikey’ for your neverending selflessness concerning my reputation, but I still want to know about those ponies who interrupted me today! ‘Chad’ ‘Mrs Bingley’ and… Mr ‘Leather-Lover’. How exactly did you even meet them?”
“I didn’t ‘meet’ them, they came begging to me as rumours spread about the availability of my new… program. ‘Chad’ is just an embarrassed young teen wanting to rid himself of his adolescent frustrations, ‘Mrs Bingley’ is a high-ranking member of the local council with secret fantasies she’d rather not have divulged and The Gimp Dude is somepony who wants to spend his entire life in S&M gear. If I can help them and others with their secret needs and desires and benefit from it personally, who's to stop me? I think, if you study the Ponyville charter as carefully as I did, everything I’m currently doing is perfectly above board and legal…”
Twilight realised she was in a no-win situation here, as technically speaking Spike hadn’t actually done anything that’d broken the law and she did kinda owe him the loan of at least one of two of her precious bookshelves due to his years of thankless back-breaking service. But just as she was about to return to her scheduled work with a defeatist shake of the head…
“Hang on a second. You didn’t tell me anything about that other stallion. You know, the one who seemed really nice. Why did you scare him off with dragonfire, anyway?”
“Nice?! Herbert's the Worst Of The Worst. I don’t even want to tell you what he’s into.”
“Y-You mean when he said he wanted to…”
“That’s right.”
“W-What he actually meant w-was…”
“Uh huh.”
“Oh no! That can’t be…”
“If you hurry now, you may just be able to catch him.”
“Y-Yes, good idea Spike. Guards! Follow me! Oops, I forgot I’m not in Canterlot now…”
And as a visibly exhausted Twilight flew off to intercept the pervert who hopefully wasn’t more than a few blocks away, another random guest arrived at the castle to sheepishly watch her disappear into the distance. “Erm, I was hoping to get out a few books on whipped cream…”
“Hi, I’m Spike… right this way, Miss. If I may be so bold as to enquire, which sexy location do you plan to apply this particular dairy concoction? Are you gonna lick it off, or…”
“Umm, actually I’m a baker by trade. I was planning to make a cake, so…”
“Oh, I see… still, I’ll show you my special book collection anyway. Who knows, you might learn a few things.”
Author's Note
Another one of those strange ideas you have to write out as soon as possible in case you lose the will/mojo/whatever.
Hope you enjoyed, now it's DEFINITELY back to those chapter fan-fictions for me. 
