Cloppenheimer

by RunicTreetops

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Drama, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2033

A rogue force of kelpies has been threatening Equestria's border, and Princess Celestia doesn't know what to do about it. Thankfully, Anon has an idea.

Following a territorial dispute over a few islands along Equestria's coast, a rogue army of kelpies has been threatening Equestria's border. Princess Celestia would like to resolve the situation peacefully, but even after making as many concessions as possible, the kelpies seem intent on taking more and more.

Meanwhile, Anon has an idea.

Published 2023-08-07 22:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-08-07 22:20:00 UTC

Cloppenheimer

Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and Shining Armor all stand around a detailed map of Equestria's eastern coast. Within the Celestial Sea, a group of islands so small that most would consider it insignificant is circled in red ink. Along the coast itself, several locations are marked with a red X. The three ponies glance between the map and each other, their expressions indicating that something dire is on their minds. The room they are standing in, located near the back of Canterlot Castle, is dimly lit and lacks any windows. The room's only entrance is a heavy iron door, the outside of which is guarded by a pair of gruff-looking stallions from the Royal Guard. The light hanging above the map flickers occasionally, making the atmosphere in the room all the more oppressive.

"In the worst-case scenario, those are defensible positions. Our enemies might be tricky, but they wouldn't last a day against a mobilized Royal Guard," Shining Armor mumbles.

"That's assuming we're accurately predicting where they might strike, Shining Armor," Luna adds. "Not to mention the possibility of civilian involvement. The coast is too heavily populated to evacuate with any amount of haste, and our enemies aren't the kind to focus their efforts on only one spot, nor do they have any qualms with involving civilians. They demonstrated that already on Drum Island."

"We also weren't expecting an attack at the time. We weren't ready." Shining Armor places a hoof on the table and gives Luna a determined glare. "Now, we are."

"Even so, that is a risk we cannot afford to take!" Luna raises her voice, clearly opposed to Shining's suggestion.

"That's enough." Celestia's voice is calm, yet stern. Both of her compatriots immediately give her their undivided attention. "There is some merit to both of your arguments. The kelpies in the Celestial Sea have never been known to take kindly to peace offerings. They live for conflict, but I made the grave error of assuming that their nonstop altercations with the Dragon Lands would be enough to quell their bloodlust when we claimed the uninhabited islands off the coast for Equestria. It is entirely my own fault that they have retaliated with such vigor. As such, it is my duty to ensure that the number of casualties for either side remains as small as possible. Zero, preferably."

"Sister, I do not mean to undermine your thought process, but a war with zero casualties simply isn't feasible."

"Do not forget, Luna: We are not yet at war. There is still time to end this before it escalates further."

"How?" Shining inquires. "We've already given back all of the islands in the sea, and yet the kelpies still insist on sending raiding parties to Equestria's coastal settlements. While it's true that there hasn't been a 'formal' attack on us yet, it's obvious that they're doing this to deflect the blame onto 'fringe extremist groups.'"

"That changes nothing. There must be a way to resolve this without more fighting. There HAS to be!"

In that moment, there is a knock on the door to the war room. The three ponies turn to face said door just as it opens, light pouring in from the hallway outside in the process. The outlines of two figures emerge from the doorway, one of a young alicorn mare, and the other of a large human man. The pair step into the room, carefully securing the door behind them as they do so. Slowly, they approach the table, eventually revealing themselves beneath the dim light.

"I'm sorry we're late, we were gathering the last of our data from the latest field test," the mare says.

"Twily, it's good to see you. But, uh, I don't think you're supposed to be in this meeting." Shining Armor looks at Princess Twilight Sparkle with confusion.

"Nonsense, Princess Celestia specifically requested that I be here."

"I did indeed. That which cannot be considered matters of war can instead be called matters of friendship, and nopony is more well-versed in the subject than my former student."

"Thankfully, we've come bringing good news," the human says.

"Anon?" Shining Armor turns to Celestia. "Was he invited, too? He isn't even royalty."

Celestia looks at Anon and smiles.

"No, but it sounds like he has something he needs to say. I understand that this little experiment Twilight has been working on was your idea?"

"Correct, Princess. It's... a human idea, but modified to better suit Equestria's tastes."

"To be honest, we were skeptical that it was even possible," Twilight adds, "but Anon was determined. Sure enough, as of today, we FINALLY have the results we wanted. And from the looks of things?" Twilight glances down at the map before looking back up at the others around her. "It seems like we're just in time."

"We think this project will allow us to get the kelpies to stop attacking the coast without declaring war on them. The solution is actually a lot simpler than we imagined."

"And you truly believe that this 'solution' will prevent a war?" The skepticism in Luna's voice is almost enough to make it sound like she's mocking the idea.

"We do," Anon and Twilight say in unison.

The room falls completely silent for a few moments before Princess Celestia finally speaks up again.

"Very well. What do we need to do?"

Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Princess Twilight Sparkle, Shining Armor, Anon, and a handful of Royal Guard members stand grouped together on a boat a few thousand feet away from the coast. Fillydelphia is right behind them, and in front of them, open water broken up by scattered islands stretches out into the horizon. Anon stands in front of the rest of the group. He holds two fingers to his ear as he apparently gives orders to some unseen ponies. When he finishes, Luna speaks up with apprehension.

"The closer we get to executing this little plan of yours, the less confident I feel."

"Don't forget, Princess, we chose this location based on your intel. The kelpies are apparently planning to attack Fillydelphia at any moment. If that's the case, then they're right out there, hiding beneath the waves. This is our chance."

"And if your plan fails, we'll be sitting ducks."

"Then let's hope the plan works, eh?"

Luna glares at Anon, but says nothing more.

"Are we ready to give the order?" Celestia's voice is as calm as it usually is, though there is still a hint of hesitation to it.

"We are."

Celestia turns to look at Twilight, who looks back at her and nods. Twilight's horn glows a gentle purple color as she closes her eyes and speaks to a pony not present.

"Rainbow Dash, we've been given the go-ahead. Light 'er up."

Everyone present looks out at the water with bated breath. Wordlessly, Anon hands out pairs of thick sunglasses to each of them.

"You're probably gonna want these."

Without hesitation, all eyes are quickly covered, just as three figures shoot across the sky. Hundreds of feet above the water, Rainbow Dash, Spitfire, and Soarin fly at an intense speed. They fly close together, as they are all carrying what appears to be a massive, pure-white ball of some kind. Just as they pass over the largest string of islands visible from the boat, they let go of the ball and continue to zip further and further away.

Time seems to slow as the object plummets towards the island-filled sea. No words are spoken. Not a single pony blinks. Heck, no one even dares to breathe until the ball finally slams into the water. As it does, the whole area is covered in a blinding flash of light.

For a couple of seconds, there is silence. Then, a shock wave billows over the boat with enough force to nearly capsize it. Those watching the blast are forced to hold on for dear life as a wave of heat overtakes them, but does not harm them. The sound is unfathomably loud, and it takes a few seconds for everyone to recover, their mouths agape all the while.

When they regain their composure, what they see before them is almost indescribable. Explosions aren't alien to Equestria, but nothing of this scale has ever been seen before. A massive mushroom cloud towers over the coast. Large waves rock the boat, and it feels as if the very atmosphere has changed in some way. Strangest of all, however, is the color. The mushroom cloud appears to be made up of dozens of colors, each uniting to fill the mass with a colossal rainbow. The colors from the cloud seem to spill into the surrounding sky, making the whole coast look like a surrealist painting.

And there, on top of the boat, Anon finally speaks, his voice quiet, yet steadfast.

"Now I am become magic, the maker of friends."

For a solid minute, nopony responds. Finally, Twilight speaks up.

"...What?"

"You wouldn't get it."

Once again, four ponies and a human find themselves standing around a map in a room at the back of Canterlot Castle. They finally got those darn lights fixed, so they can clearly see each other once more. Anon and Twilight look as smug as can be, while Celestia, Luna, and Shining Armor all look very, very tired.

"I can't believe that worked," Luna says, her voice sounding exhausted.

"I must say, I wasn't expecting that to be quite so easy. Or quite so effective. Yet, here we are," Celestia adds.

"...I-I'm sorry, I'm still not sure I understand what exactly happened today," Shining admits.

"A bomb made out of pure friendship." Anon gives a proud smile as he explains his invention. "Ironically inspired by weapons of mass destruction from my world, the Friendship Bomb is little more than a vessel containing the magic produced by Twilight and her friends when they use the Elements of Harmony against villains of the week. We pump that baby full of so much of the stuff that it's ready to burst at any given moment. Only the smooth flying of the Wonderbolts can transport it in good time without accidentally setting it off, so the sudden impact with land and/or water after it's dropped is all it needs to detonate. Then... boom. Pure, concentrated friendship everywhere in a one-mile radius."

"And... that stopped the kelpies?"

"It made them stop wanting to attack anyone, at least."

"...Is that ethical?"

Anon shrugs.

"Technically we didn't harm them, so it isn't a declaration of war. Plus, the bomb leaves no fallout other than the sky looking pretty for a couple of hours. So, no harm no foul."

"...I-I don't know how to feel about this."

Anon pats Shining Armor on the back.

"It's okay, buddy. At least you don't have to report to Truman."

"Who?"

"Don't worry about it."

"So," Twilight interrupts, "is everything taken care of?"

"I have some paperwork I need to fill out, but apart from that, yes. I believe any problems that would be cause for alarm have been resolved. We intend to leave the islands alone going forward as well." Celestia sounds tired, yet content. It appears that she is happy with this conclusion.

"Good. If you'll excuse us, we have things to be doing."

Twilight taps Anon on the side of his leg and the two begin to walk out of the room.

"Where are you going?"

Anon chuckles at Luna's question.

"We've got some cuddling to do."

"C-cuddling?"

"What, did you think I was going to mope around after inventing a Friendship Bomb? There are literally no questions pertaining to morality for me to ponder! I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to feel bad! A happy ending for everyone!"

"B-but that's-"

"Alright we're not questioning it this is it this is the end of the conflict byeeeeeeee~!"

Anon practically drags Twilight out the door, slamming it behind them as he does so. Celestia, Luna, and Shining Armor glance at each with confusion.

"...I knew we should've just gone to see Barbie."

Author's Note

The fic that nobody asked for but I made anyway.

As always, I appreciate any and all feedback!