Indurrnet. Hurr.
Lyra Uses the Internet
It was mid-afternoon in Ponyville. A mint-green unicorn with a lyre cutie mark trotted down the street.
Lyra was returning home from her performance at the Ponyville Town Concert Hall. She had put on a heck of a show with her amazing lyre skills. She was contemplating her performance earlier and how much better it would have been if only she had fingers...
Without thinking, she began to rise on her back hooves while walking. After a few steps, she fell backwards, landing in the dirt in front of her house.
“Silly Lyra! Did you try to walk bipedally again?” came a familiar voice.
“Not on purpose this time, Bon Bon. Can you skip the humiliation and just help me up?” replied the embarrassed unicorn.
“Aw, but you're so cute when you're embarrassed,” said Bon Bon, offering a hoof to Lyra. The unicorn grasped the cream mare's hoof with her own and pulled herself up.
The two just stared at each other for a bit. Suddenly, with no transitional statement, Bon Bon asked Lyra, “Why don't we go inside? I've got a surprise for you.”
Lyra rolled her eyes. “Is it better than the last one? Because that surprise wasn't exactly fun. I'm still sore from those hoofcuffs. And you broke my favorite toy, too.”
“Well, I'm sorry. I thought you were a burglar with a knife. How the hell was I supposed to know it was a Wiimote?” the cream mare protested. “I was just doing my job!”
“You're a candy salespony, not a cop!” exclaimed Lyra, pointing at Bon Bon's cutie mark.
“And you're a pony, not a human!” retorted the cream mare.
Turnabout is a bitch. Lyra stormed into the house, magically slamming the door behind her.
She passed the neatly organized living room with its TV and coffee table. The mint-green unicorn walked down the hallway, passing several paintings and decorative vases filled with flowers. She reached the her room and the end and threw open the door with her telekinesis.
Lyra plopped down in the chair in front of her computer. She just wanted to play some Left 4 Dead 2. Maybe blowing the heads off zombies would calm her down...
“What's this?” Lyra thought. There was a new option on the main menu. “Multiplayer?”
“You really shouldn't sit like that,” came a voice in the unicorn's ear.
“Don't knock it till you've tried it,” Lyra grumbled.
“Hmmm... nah,” replied Bon Bon. “Anywhooves, about that surprise...”
Lyra facehoofed. There really was no use trying to get out of this, was there? “Alright, fine...” the unicorn reluctantly muttered. She spun around in her chair to face Bon Bon. “Tell me about the surprise.”
“All righty then! It's a new thing called the Internet! Well, it's not really new. But nopony in Ponyville has it. Until now. We're the first ones!”
Lyra raised an eyebrow. Inter... net? “What the hay is that supposed to mean?”
Bon Bon took a while to think of how to explain it. “Think of it as a way of connecting all of the computers in the world. Like... a gigantic Game Colt link cable!”
Lyra thought this over. A Game Colt link cable, eh? “So I can play games with ponies all over the world?”
Bon Bon smirked. “Oh, you can do much more than that! It's probably better if I show you, rather than try to explain it.”
The cream mare wheeled Lyra's chair to the side, grabbing the mouse with a hoof. Bon Bon exited the game, rolling her eyes when she saw Lyra's wallpaper.
“You and I as humans on a park bench? Really?” asked Bon Bon in a dismissive tone.
“I take my art very seriously,” Lyra snapped back.
“Fine, whatever,” muttered Bon Bon. That unicorn was downright crazy. And even as a human, she couldn't sit right...
The cream mare clicked the browser button. Spitfirefox opened up to the homepage.
“Google? What's that?” Lyra asked.
“It's how many results you will get if you search 'sex.'” Bon Bon answered in a far-too-serious voice.
Lyra chose to ignore the last word. “So I can use Google to search things?”
Bon Bon beamed. “Yep! Watch.” The cream mare typed “lyre music” in the box and clicked the “Google Search” button.
“5,840,000 results???” Lyra was astonished. Whatever this Internet thing was, it was huge.
“You bet!” replied Bon Bon smugly. She a video from the results. CuteTube opened, and a video of a red pegasus with a lyre began to play. She strummed the strings, producing a simple but beautiful melody.
“Hmm... this is lovely. I've never heard such effective use of glissandos in D-flat minor,” the mint-green unicorn remarked.
“Yeah... right... D is flat... It's ok, I guess...” Bon Bon said, a bit muddled by Lyra's musician jargon.
Lyra was angered by Bon Bon's response. “Hay! Ds are not flat! That's a damn good size!”
The cream mare was confused by Lyra's reaction. “I thought you said it was D-flat?”
“Oh, yeah, right... the music...” Lyra looked away so her friend couldn't see her reddening cheeks.
Bon Bon rolled her eyes. Musicians were so weird sometimes. She got up from the computer. “I guess I'll be leaving you alone now. I've got candy to sell.”
Lyra's ears perked at the mention of Bon Bon's store. “Oh yeah, the store. How are those new fillies you hired?”
“Soon to be fired,” replied Bon Bon. “Those three are pretty incompetent. They've already accidentally confused the extra sweet candy with the sugar free ones and sold a large quantity to several diabetic customers. They came in sick to my Treats for Tots with Compromised Immune Systems charity event. Then they used 'powdered sugar' they found in a back alley to make Turkish Delight, which they sold to a family with small foals.”
Bon Bon's ramble continued. “The unicorn burns everything. Even worse, the one with the bow has been driving away my customers with her super high-pressure sales tactics. And...” the cream mare gasped. “I left those three in charge of my store!!! I really have to get back there now! Later, Lyra!”
Bon Bon galloped from the room, breathing heavily. Lyra heard the sounds of hoofbeats on the tile, followed by the opening then slamming of the front door. The unicorn chuckled to herself. That cream pony was too absent-minded for her own good.
Lyra turned back to the video on her computer screen. It had reached the end.
“Now what?” thought Lyra. Suggested videos? Lyra clicked the next video, titled “Bring Me a Small Lyre.”
The video depicted a unicorn wearing a toga with a musical cutie mark asking to be brought a small lyre to perform a song. Two burly earth ponies came into the room, carrying a short, struggling pegasus. The colt-sized pegasus screamed, “I didn't do it! I didn't do it! I was at a friend's house! The check is in the mail!”
Lyra burst out laughing. She recognized the video as a clip from her favorite Mel Hoofs movie, Ponistory of the World Part I. Then she started wondering what happened to part II... “Hmm... maybe Google will know?” the unicorn thought, clicking the search bar and typing on the keyboard with her hooves.
After a little while of surfing the web, Lyra had learned the basics of the Internet. Don't click the links that say “Free Gift Card”, cats are the single greatest thing to ever happen to the world, and most stuff on the Internet is stupid crap. Still, after sorting out all the garbage and horn enlargement ads, the gold she found was totally worth it.
So far, Lyra had found clips from her favorite movies, music, free online games, lists of businesses with extremely dirty names, full episodes of her favorite TV show (Being Human), and even a community for humanists, which she learned were ponies that enjoyed artwork depicting humanized ponies and related stuff. They even had conventions sometimes!
The mint-green unicorn was ecstatic upon learning that she wasn't the only pony crazy about humans. She had immediately made an account on the site and uploaded all her artwork, receiving several positive ratings and comments within the first few minutes. She began to browse the work of other artists. Most of the art was pretty good. One in particular caught her attention. It depicted a small group of human children holding buckets of Nightmare Night candy and wearing pony costumes.
“Dawww...” Lyra said out loud.
“Having fun?” a familiar voice behind her asked.
Lyra jumped out of her seat. “Whoa, Bon Bon! Back so soon?”
Bon Bon raised one eyebrow. Giggling a bit, the cream mare exclaimed, “Lyra! It's 5:50! My shop closed almost an hour ago!”
Lyra glanced at the digital clock in the corner of the screen. Shit, 5:52 pm! Had four hours really flown that fast?
“Wow, I guess I must've lost track of time,” admitted the unicorn.
“Yeah, the Internet can have that effect,” said Bon Bon. “A psychological disconnection of the awareness of the passage of time due to a combination of an incomprehensibly large compilation of information and the innate equine yearning to acquire knowledge.”
“Learn those big words from the Internet?” the unicorn asked snidely.
Bon Bon took no offense to Lyra's wisecrack. “No, as a matter of fact, I learned them at work today. Turns out two of the fillies I hired are dictionaries.”
Lyra didn't even try to understand that remark. “Well, I guess you might not want to fire them after all,” the unicorn suggested.
“Maybe you're right,” said Bon Bon. “That family to whom they sold that 'special' Turkish Delight came back. Turns out, they loved it so much that they ate over a quarter of a pound of it in a day. I have a feeling I will be adding that recipe to my regular stock. It's positively addictive. All I need to do now is get a stable contact to get more 'powdered sugar.'”
“Mmhmm,” said Lyra, not really paying attention.
“You wanna eat out tonight? There are some new positions I've been dying to try out,” Bon Bon propositioned.
Lyra turned around and smiled at the cream mare. Bon Bon always knew exactly how to please her. “Sure, Bon Bon. What did you have in mind?”
“Well... I was thinking Doggy Style...”
The mint-green unicorn interrupted. “That new restaurant downtown? The one run by those Diamond Dogs?”
Bon Bon nodded, stifling a giggle.
Lyra chuckled, too. “The name is pretty suggestive, isn't it?”
“Yeah,” Bon Bon agreed. “I guess you could find innuendo in anything, though. Shall we say... 7:00?”
“Sounds good! I'll meet you there in an hour,” replied Lyra, turning back toward the humanist website on her monitor as Bon Bon trotted out of the room.
The unicorn noticed a button at the top of the homepage that she hadn't seen before. It was labeled “Show Mature Content.” Not sure what it did, the mint-green unicorn decided to click it. A little box popped up asking her if she was of age.
“Why the hell would it matter how old I am?” thought Lyra. She clicked yes anyway, if only out of curiosity.
MOTHER OF CELESTIA!! What in Ponyville was she looking at? It was a drawing of two humans, a male and a female... having sex??
Lyra had seen porn before, of course, in Bon Bon's poorly concealed stashes of Playcolt and Rustler all over the house. But this was different. These weren't ponies.
Lyra almost gagged at the sight. Why would anypony corrupt humans like this? Really, who would be sick enough to... yet... it was kind of... hot... oh yes... definitely hot, Lyra decided, closing and locking the door with her magic.
Lyra heard a sharp knock on the door.
“Lyra, you in there?” called a voice.
“Just a second, Bon Bon!” Lyra called back, frantically closing all 37 browser tabs and shoveling the pile of used tissues, the empty Cheezos bags, and empty cans of Morning Dew into the wastebasket.
“Lyra? Are you OK?” asked Bon Bon in a more worried tone.
Lyra got out of her chair and trotted to the door, unlocking and opening it with her magic.
“Ok, I'm ready to go to out for dinner now!” the mint-green unicorn said.
Bon Bon facehoofed. “Lyra...” the cream mare started, “It's 10:30. In the morning.”
Lyra wasn't sure how to take this information. Had she really... been on the Internet... for sixteen hours straight??? The mint-green unicorn was sweating like a pig, her green and white mane was a total mess, and her hooves were covered with orange cheese dust.
Bon Bon laughed. “Don't worry, I did the same thing the first time I used the internet. You get used to it.”
Lyra breathed a sigh of relief. “So you don't stay up all night browsing anymore?”
Bon Bon burst out laughing, and fell to the floor. Lyra just stood there, unamused. When Bon Bon finally stopped, she got up, wiped her tears, and said, “Hell no. I do it all the time. But you do get used to losing most of your social life."
The cream mare winked at the unicorn. "I know just what'll get you back to the real world. Let's go back to my room and make love.”
Forgetting about her all-nighter, the unicorn hugged the cream mare, just glad that Bon Bon was so quick to forgive. The two mares walked out of Lyra's room and down the hallway, to Bon Bon's room.
“By the way,” Lyra told Bon Bon, “that's an excellent name that you gave those candies. Love. The name practically sells itself.”
