Anon goes to Australia

by ImNew2023

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Princess Luna, Anon, Comedy, Gilda, Random, Princess Celestia, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1438

After not paying his taxes for 3 years Anon is deported to a penal colony

Refusing to pay his taxes for three years, Anon the Human is sentenced to 30 months in a royal penal colony. There he is expected to learn the errors of his ways.

He does not.

Published 2023-08-14 12:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-08-14 12:20:00 UTC

Anon’s Bar and BBQ

Stood before the Tribunal of Internal Taxation Services. Anon listened to the long, LONG list of taxes Anon has not paid.

“Income tax, purchase tax, musical number avoidance tax, hug tax, meat eating tax” a posh looking white unicorn stallion said.

“In total over one million bits are owed, tell me Mr Anon, what is your defense?” He asked.

“Y’all just hating because I’ve climbed out of my social class!” Anon said defiantly.

Slamming a gavel onto a wooden block, the stallion looked down at him.

“We sentence you to thirty months in a royal penal colony in Thestralia” a pink mare said before a pair of guards started dragging Anon out of the room.

After a short carriage ride Anon was taken by airship to the continent of Thestralia.

Being unceremoniously thrown onto the beach, Anon saw where he would be living for nearly two years.

Just fifty feet away from the sandy beach were dozens of huts built in rows.

Wandering over to them, Anon was met by a gaggle of dozens of ponies, zebras and even griffons. Watching them go about their day Anon spotted a pair of guards sitting on the far end of the town.

Walking up to them Anon stopped once he saw them move their heads towards him.

“Welcome to the New Canterlot penal colony, don’t escape” one said in a monotone voice.

“You don’t sound particularly bothered,” Anon stated.

“Hey this is a penal colony buddy, we don’t want to be here anymore than you. So as long as you don’t escape we don’t really care what you do” the other guard said.

Further investigating the environment Anon found himself surrounded by the beach on one end and a forest on the other.

He wasn’t well read about Equestria outside of Ponyville or Canterlot but Anon could tell this was an island from the trip here.

Escaping back to Equestria was an option. He could see plenty if trees could be used to make a boat.

The idea of hiding out with Zecora was appealing.

But those guards seemed like they were going through a lot. Getting them in trouble seemed like a dick move.

Anon had to admit the beach was nice to look at.

Clean sand stretching out for miles in each direction, a sparkling sea.

“Screw it, I’m building a bar” Anon stated.

If only he knew where the fuck to get wood.

This wasn’t Minecraft, so punching them wasn’t an option.

While deep in thought, Anon failed to notice the tree he was standing under collapse.

“Hey nerd! Get out of the way!” A familiar, mean voice called out.

Turning around, Anon saw Gilda the Griffon stood there with a hand ax and her signature scowl.

“Gilda? The fuck are you doing here?” Anon asked.

“Some fancy pants bitch in Manehattan accused me of assaulting her after she caught me in bed with her husband,” she explained.

“Were you in bed with her husband?” Anon asked.

“Yeah I was, so? The guy was called Stupid Rich for Maar’s sake!” Gilda stated.

“What about you, did they finally ban losers in Equestria?” She asked mockingly.

“Tax evasion” Anon corrected.

“Figures” Gilda said going back to hacking away at trees.

“Hey you wouldn’t mind helping me build a bar would you?” Anon asked.

Letting out a mocking chuckle, Gilda went back to her work.

“Why would I waste my time helping a moron. Besides, this dump doesn’t have any booze so who’d go there?” She asked.

Looking around at the trees and shrubbery, Anon could spot various berry plants he recognised along with wild sugar cane.

“I know how to make booze, I just need a place to dispense it” Anon explained.

That got Gilda’s attention. Turning around she raised an eyebrow “fine, I’ll help build your stupid bar. But I want free alcohol whenever I want” she bargained.

“Sure, but you DO need to help build it” Anon stated.

And so the two would construct a large shack. Within it were multiple crude wooden tables and chairs. At the end opposite to the door was a large wooden counter. Behind it was Anon, painting a sign he intended to put over the front door.

“Australian bar and BBQ”

“So when’s the booze coming?” Gilda asked impatiently.

“Once the rum I’ve put in that bathtub you ‘found’ is matured then you can have booze” Anon explained.

…

Back in Canterlot, Celestia wasn’t too happy.

Over a year ago, her close friend Anon the Human went missing.

While many presumed him dead, Celestia never gave up hope.

Recently however, she found out that Anon had been sent to Thestralia. Naturally everypony who was involved was swiftly exiled to Yakyakistan.

“Ready my personal ship, we’re going to rescue Anon” Celestia ordered.

She had brought Twilight from Ponyville for the journey.

Her mind could only think what had happened to her friend in that dreadful speck of land.

…

Pinned down to his bed, Gilda sweating on top of him. Anon smirked up at her.

“Nerd” she stated.

“Bitch” he responded.

“I want another kid” she stated.

I’ll leave it to your dirty minds to think up what they did that night.

…

Celestia’s ship had reached Thestralia.

Expecting a small outpost often used for penal colonies Celestia was surprised.

A small town had cropped up where it should be.

Dozens more buildings than it should be had gathered around a large stretch of farmland fed by artificial rivers.

“Princess, are you sure this is the right place?” Twilight asked.

“It should be” Celestia said.

Something fishy was going on here. And it wasn’t just the unicorn sat on a dock by the beach fishing.

…

Close to eighteen months after his imprisonment, Anon stood at his bar.

Pouring another wooden cup of berry cider, Anon placed it down on the counter.

“Enjoy” he said, watching the zebra take it away.

The doors suddenly shot open. Celestia and Twilight stormed in, looking around for a second before their eyes met with Anon’s question mark shaped face.

“Welcome to Australia!” Anon welcomed, startling the princesses. His cork hat shook as he did.

“Anon we’ve come to rescue you, I’m so sorry the tribunal sent you here. I’ve already seen to it that they’ve all been removed from their positions” Celestia apologized profusely.

“Oh that’s alright I’m good here” Anon said as he polished another cup.

Put off by this, Celestia furrowed her brow.

“What?” She asked.

“I’m good here, I’ve got a bar, all the rum I can drink, plus a wife and kid” Anon explained.

“W-wife!?” Twilight said in shock.

“That’s right nerd” Gilda said, drawing the unicorn’s attention.

Stood by a grill, cooking a pan full of shrimp was Gilda.

“Gilda?” Twilight asked, not expecting to see the rude griffon.

“That’s right Purple-Smarts, his ass is aaaaall mine” Gilda said confidently.

“Ah, that explains this then” Celestia said. Pointing at the green and brown feathered griffon baby hanging comfortably from Anon’s chest.

“Oh yeah this is Hugh Jackman, mine and Gilda’s kid” Anon introduced Celestia to his kid.

“I lost Rock Paper Scissors” Gilda explained.

“So… you’re perfectly fine here?” Celestia asked.

“Yeah, turns out if you organise a bunch of convicts you can accomplish a lot” Anon explained.

“So you’re not coming back to Ponyville?” Twilight asked. Worried her friend wouldn’t be coming home.

“I’ll come back to visit Twiggles” Anon stated.

“As you see we’ve got a port up and running so yeah, we can come and go whenever we want” Anon explained.

“We’ve got booze, why would we leave?” A zebra asked, getting cheers of agreement from the rest of the bar.

“I’m surprised you didn’t know I was here sooner, Luna’s been coming here for weeks” Anon said pointing to the other end of the bar.

Chugging a barrel of cider, Luna sat at a table with a plate of prawns and chips in front of her.

“Luna!?” Celestia said in shock.

“Tia you’re here! Anon gave us a great deal on a winter bungalow. Now let us pour more of this liquid into our bodies!” Luna said, swinging one of Anon’s shirts in the air. Clearly drunk.

“So you girls want a drink?” Anon asked.

Watching her sister fall over giggling like a school filly, Celestia let out a sigh.

Only Anon could turn a penal colony into a semi-pleasant holiday destination.

“I’ll have whatever she had” Celestia groaned.

And thus began the first outpost of the Comminwealth of Australia.

AN: Anyone want to see Anon go New Zealand next?