Life On Equus

by AlwaysDressesInStyle

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cozy Glow, Sandbar, Crossover, Human
Length: 3446

A BBC nature documentary narrated by David Attenborough. They might have a few things wrong...

The Life series of nature documentaries continues on Equus. Join Sir David Attenborough as he follows the adventures of 'Rook', a Miniequus pastelhorsei, in her native environment.

Tied for third place in the Cozy Glow group's 4th annual contest. Prompt: Cozy Glow vs. Sir David Attenborough.

Of note, this work is not intended to make light of Sir David Attenborough, who remains a British national treasure even though he hates being called that.

Published 2023-09-25 00:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-09-25 00:50:00 UTC

Miniequus Pastelhorsei

Life on Equus is very different than that of life on Earth. The dominant species is Miniequus pastelhorsei, a petite pony-like creature. Named after the discoverer of the planet Equus, Louis Pastel, Miniequus pastelhorsei is a land-dwelling creature similar to Earth’s horses, and they’re commonly referred to as ‘Pastel’s little ponies’. Pastel’s little ponies come in many different colours, with the males tending to have darker coat colours – blacks, grays, browns, and navy blue. The females, however, are vibrant, appearing in all the shades of the rainbow and then some.

Adult members of Miniequus pastelhorsei have unique markings on their flanks, which normally appear on a juvenile’s rump at the onset of puberty, a way to advertise to other members of the species that this individual is fertile and ready to mate. It’s been proposed that these markings may serve as way to distinguish between other individuals of the same species, though if this is the case, biologists are still trying to determine why only adolescents and adults have these strange coat markings, but not foals.

Cozy Glow is sleeping in her dorm room at the School of Friendship as a camera zooms in on her bed.

We’ve nicknamed this pony Rook due to the marking on her flank eerily similar to the chess piece. She’s a young female, having only recently had her unique flank mark appear. Unlike most species, where the males fight to attract a mate, Miniequus pastelhorsei females compete with one another for the attention of the males of the species, as they outnumber the males nearly two to one.

Join us as we follow Rook’s first mating season.

Rook begins her day by rising from her nest. Unfortunately, she has taken notice of our camera crew and vigorously defends her territory, chasing our intrepid team away with the high-pitched neighs and whinnies of her kind. Thankfully, while she was distracted, we installed hidden cameras to continue observing her without intruding into her personal space again.

After chasing off the intruders, Cozy Glow steps into the dorm’s shower, where Bifröst and Amber Grain are already washing themselves.

Quadrupedal, Miniequus pastelhorsei engages in social bathing. Here we see her being groomed by the members of her herd that we’ve nicknamed Cloudy Rainbow and Wheat. Both are older females, yet they groom Rook as if she were their own child. Rook is similar in colourization to Cloudy Rainbow, and she may very well be the older mare’s offspring from a mating season long since passed.

In order to attract a mate, Rook’s hygiene must be above reproach. The three Miniequus females scrub themselves, and each other. Notice that the older mares have plumper rumps, foal-bearing hips, thought to be enticing to the Miniequus stallions. Rook’s own rear is significantly smaller. Quite noticeable as her hindquarters are turned to the camera.

Bifröst and Amber Grain leave the showers, while Cozy lifts her tail and points her butt toward the very obvious ‘hidden’ camera for a prolonged period of time.

It almost seems as if Rook is aware she’s being observed and is deliberately mooning the camera, as she lingers behind after the others have already departed the bathing hole…

She… uh… she’s um still mooning us. I was going to say cut this from the final print, but if Rook wants to be a cheeky little bugger, we’ll leave it in.

Cozy Glow eventually moves on, but not before taunting the camera with one last wiggle of her butt.

Shaking herself dry, Rook’s next task is foraging for food. A well-fed Miniequus is more attractive to potential mates, proving an ability to provide not just for herself, but also for her future foal.

Cozy Glow trots to the School of Friendship’s cafeteria, where she grabs a freshly baked cupcake from the serving tray.

While primarily herbivorous, Miniequus pastelhorsei has been known to periodically take prey. Rook has separated a cupcake from the herd. She dispatches it easily, and the sugary remains will provide her with the nourishment she’ll need for the rest of her day.

Hunger sated, she prepares for her courtship ritual. First is finding a suitable stallion. There’s a gathering place of potential mates… and rivals. All individuals of Miniequus are deferential to Big Purple, the leader of the herd.

Cozy enters a classroom where Twilight Sparkle is the professor.

As young as she is, Rook is jostling for position within her herd’s hierarchy. The dominant female, possessing both horn and wings, is the only example of Miniequus pastelhorsei we’ve seen with both characteristics. It’s unknown if this is a very rare subspecies, or the result of a cross between the unicorn and pegasus subspecies. Remember to vote in the BBC’s poll on what we should call this subspecies. Current results show ‘allicorn’, short for all-in-one-icorn, with a slight lead over ‘pegacorn’ as we try to correctly describe the pony we refer to as Big Purple.

Rook has been attempting to infiltrate Big Purple’s inner circle, six individuals we’ve nicknamed Apples, Balloons, Butterflies, Diamonds, Rainbow Lightning, and Shooting Star. The older females were wary of the upstart at first, though Rook has been slowly winning them over.

The herd turns their attention to Big Purple, each seeking the oldest mare’s favor. Mares that have the approval of Big Purple are ranked higher in the herd’s social hierarchy, and thus more likely to attract mates. Rook does not yet have Big Purple’s favor.

Twilight lectures the class, and Cozy Glow pays rapt attention to the lesson, even going so far as to help Silverstream with an answer to a question.

As you can see and hear, Big Purple likes to hear herself talk. This brings to light an important question – are we hearing language? Is Miniequus sapient? If so, this raises a number of ethical questions. With the remarkable footage of a crystal castle tree growing from seed to full grown building in just seconds, it’s thought that furnished buildings containing running water are just a natural product of the environment. One that I would never have believed either if not for having witnessed this firsthand.

A video clip plays of Twilight’s castle sprouting in Ponyville.

This remarkable footage remains the only time we’ve documented a new structure’s growth. Though at some point not long after, a second building appeared near this castle tree. This second structure is where Rook lives and spends most of her time. It’s possible that this sprouted from a seed dropped from the first castle tree. Scientists need to research this phenomenon further.

Cozy chats up Sandbar as they leave class.

Rook attempts to attract the attention of the male we’ve nicknamed ‘Turtles’ with her feminine charms, but he displays no interest. It’s not abnormal for females to be rejected during their first few mating seasons, being outcompeted by older members of their species that have learned from previous failures. If Rook fails to find a mate this year, there’s always next year. Barring unfortunate circumstances, of course, such as being captured and thrown into a cage, or being petrified.

While these may sound like unlikely scenarios, dangers abound in Miniequus pastelhorsei’s native environment. There’s a sauropsid resembling the legendary cockatrice that can turn a living being into a statue by staring it in the eye.

Rook could also be captured by poachers, a sad fact of life since the discovery of Miniequus pastelhorsei. Rook is one of the pegasus subspecies, second in desirability only to the unicorn subspecies. Sadly, Miniequus pastelhorsei has become the most popular black market pet, with the pegasus and unicorn subspecies’ commanding significantly higher prices than the hornless, wingless subspecies. Specimens like Rook are particularly coveted due to their pink colouration, popular with young girls here on Earth.

Most poachers base their operations out of an underground location nicknamed ‘Tartarus’ after the mythological dungeon abyss, a location so dangerous that we dared investigate only by drones. None of which made it back. The few images we managed to retrieve before the drones went offline were heartbreaking to say the least, with hundreds of creatures captured in cages.

And these are just two of the myriad dangers present within the range of Miniequus pastelhorsei.

Cozy hops on a table.

Rook leaps atop a naturally occurring table, pointing to herself as if to say ‘look at me!’ as she tries to capture Turtles’ attention with a mating dance. Unfortunately for Rook, he remains unimpressed with her, once more turning his attention to a heavyset Phillysteak chhurpi instead. Turtles seems destined toward reproductive failure if he mates with the Phillysteak chhurpi we’ve nicknamed Smash-A-Lot. The future of the species could be at stake here, so perhaps Rook will get the mating ritual right next time. It is currently unknown what offspring will result from a successful mating between a winged pegasus subspecies and an earth subspecies, and it’s presumed that there will be no offspring if Turtles mates with Smash-A-Lot.

The Phillysteak chhurpi serves as a valuable lesson not to name a new species when hungry. Furthermore, being delicious is generally considered a horrible survival trait, especially in a world filled with many giant predators. On the flipside, due to the bright colours of Miniequus pastelhorsei, it’s assumed that the species is toxic to predators.

Turtles has been shown to prefer the company of individuals of different species over other members of his own species, in stark contrast to the rest of his herd. Several of the creatures he hangs around are predators that could devour him if the mood struck. There’s Grumpy, the blue male Iso grifo, and Sparkles, the Dracorex flambé. Less threatening is Happy, the piscivorous Nessiteras rhombopteryx, an animal that resembles a cross between the Miniequus pastelhorsei and the Iso grifo, though researchers have yet to determine if this is the result of interbreeding, or convergent evolution.

Turtles also spends a lot of time with Blue Bug, a female Switchochango morethanmeetsthei. Nothing is yet known of the Switchochango’s mating habits, but as only females of the genus have been observed so far, it’s possible they require fertilization from a male Miniequus pastelhorsei. With their unique ability to camouflage their body to resemble anyone, or even anything else, it’s speculated that they may take on the appearance of a Miniequus pastelhorsei female to mate.

While Turtles has no interest in Rook’s dance, she’s attracted the attention of Grumpy, the male Iso grifo. Iso grifos are extremely territorial, and Grumpy is the only one we’ve seen in this locality. With no females of his own kind to mate with, it’s possible he desires to mate with Rook. Grumpy shoves a talon in Rook’s face, covering her snout, but Rook shows no fear, displaying why Miniequus pastelhorsei is the dominant lifeform on the planet Equus, despite being herbivorous, as she stares down Grumpy, an apex predator, with razor-sharp claws and beak that could rip her to shreds. She resists his attempt to dominate her. She’ll mate with Turtles, or she’ll have no mate this year. But unlike Turtles, she recognizes her own species. One has to admire her tenacity, even amongst insurmountable odds.

The others leave Cozy alone in the School of Friendship’s library.

Grumpy’s aggression towards Rook has resulted in the others leaving them alone, and Grumpy runs off to catch up with them.

Rook descends into the root system of the castle tree. She spends a lot of time down here, brooding. She’s gathered half a dozen baubles and arranged them in a circle. Like corvids, it’s thought that Miniequus pastelhorsei is fond of shiny objects. This nest is likely where she intends to mate with Turtles. Rook is careful to never set hoof inside the circle, almost as if that would break some sort of spell.

While we don’t condone interfering with the natural order of things, we sent a drone into Rook’s secret underground nest and moved some of her objects as a test of her intelligence. Will she notice they’re out of place?

Cozy looks at the summoning circle and instantly knows someone’s been there.

All it takes is one glance for Rook to realize something is amiss. She searches around, no doubt hoping to catch the perpetrator. But our drone is long gone, so she settles for straightening her nest back up the way it was, with each object back in its assigned place.

We’ll continue testing the intelligence of this majestic species. Perhaps our efforts will eventually prove that Miniequus pastelhorsei is sapient. For now, though, we must continue documenting Life on Equus.

The camera pans over the various citizens of Ponyville, showing ponies and assorted other creatures.

It’s easy to forget that Equus is home to myriad other species as well. Miniequus pastelhorsei dominates discussions of Equus because they’re cute and cuddly. Miniequus plush toys were the must-have item during last year’s Christmas season. It’s unfair that these other creatures slip under the radar because they’re not adorable.

Cozy climbs out of the school’s basement, warily looking about the library to make sure nopony is watching her.

Thanks to the radio transmitter we slipped into her curly hair when we first started following her, we know that Rook is staking out the entrance to her underground cave. She knows someone has intruded into her domain and she’s guarding her territory accordingly. But even Rook needs to sleep eventually.

Cozy Glow eventually gets bored with her stakeout, returning to her dorm room to continue scheming.

With as much time and care as Rook is putting into her nest, it requires further study. With thanks to our special effects team, we recreated one of the objects in Rook’s nest. The object is a large shell, and we’ve taken the original to study, while leaving an exact replica in its stead. Rook hasn’t noticed the difference.

Speaking of her underground nest, Rook has been spending more and more time there, no doubt trying to make it perfect. She adjusts and readjusts the objects around the perimeter of the mating circle, as if magically expecting something to happen. Rook has been spending too much time with her nest, and not enough time wooing Turtles. Because she’s been neglecting him, it’s all but assured at this point that Turtles will choose Smash-A-Lot instead.

Sandbar and Yona exit the School of Friendship, holding hooves.

This all but confirms that Turtles has chosen Smash-A-Lot as a mating partner. Despite her preparations, Rook has failed to mate this year. Perhaps next year she’ll set her attention on a more receptive male. Likewise, we hope Rook will learn a valuable lesson and dedicate less time to nest-building next year. Turtles, meanwhile, appears destined for complete reproductive failure since he fails to recognize his own species. Truly, Rook can do better. It may be for the best that Turtles’ genes are removed from the gene pool.

Rejected, Rook once more returns to her nest, and after fiddling with the baubles one last time, she unleashes her fury upon them. She bucks, she stamps, she throws a temper tantrum worthy of any five-year-old in a toy store. The objects she’s spent weeks caring for are destroyed in a momentary fit of passion, the only passion Rook will have this year.

It’s hard to remain unbiased in this scenario. We’ve spent weeks tracking Rook’s every move, and while Turtles outright rejecting her isn’t surprising in the least, it’s still a sad day for our film crew. For Rook, there’s always next year. She’ll be older, wiser, and her body will have matured further. Hopefully she’ll turn her attention toward a more suitable partner than Turtles… assuming he survives this year’s mating season. It’s unknown how Phillysteak chhurpi mates, but it’s assumed to be very violent, like everything else the species does. We estimate that Turtles has a 15% chance of survival.

Cozy Glow walks straight towards the camera, a wild look in her eyes. She’s just figured out why her carefully plotted plan to drain Equestria of magic has failed, and she has a pretty good idea that the camera crew that’s been following her around for weeks is responsible. She’s let them be up ‘til now because the thought of having her eventual victory recorded for posterity appeals to her. Now though, she’s going to hold them responsible.

Rook has noticed us and is approaching. She appears to still be in a foul mood from her failed mating attempt.

The camera pans to reveal the film crew running off one by one as Cozy Glow draws nearer to them. The solitary holdout is Sir David Attenborough, who at 97 years of age, isn’t sprinting anywhere.

Fox News

“In national news, far-left liberal lawmakers are attempting to turn the world of Equus into a nature preserve after a British camera crew was mauled by wild animals. That was bound to happen sooner or later. Fox News has recovered exclusive footage of the camera crew’s final moments.”

The same clip that was played by CNN plays.

“As you can see, the crew’s final moments were absolutely terrifying. Let’s play that again in slow-mo.”

The clip plays again, slowed down to emphasize the violence.

“I’m getting reports that the was an American among the casualties. This is an outrage! These stupid pastel horses ought to be exterminated as the pests they are. Conservative lawmakers are attempting to pass legislation allowing us to annex Equus, but are, of course, running into fierce opposition from far-left environmentalist extremists. More updates as they happen.”

BBC Statement

“It’s with great sadness that the BBC reports that Sir David Attenborough and his film crew have encountered difficulties in their journey to the world of Equus. Found footage from the expedition indicates that the crew was attacked by a Miniequus pastelhorsei. Normally peaceful, it’s believed that the crew intruded into the Miniequus’s territory during mating season and was unprepared for the violent response to the intrusion. Our thoughts are with those who’ve lost loved ones on this expedition. No footage of Sir David Attenborough was recovered, and the fate of this national treasure remains unknown. Please join us as we spend the rest of the week replaying Sir David Attenborough’s most iconic BBC programming.”

CNN

“In international news, Sir David Attenborough and his camera crew remain missing somewhere on the world of Equus. The British filmmaker was attempting to complete a tenth entry in the ‘Life’ nature documentary series. Recovered footage from the expedition paints a rather grizzly picture. Viewer discretion is advised for the following clip. Younger viewers and those sensitive to violence may wish to change the channel.”

A clip plays found footage, showing a camera crew running from Cozy Glow. The camera points ahead as the crew is running, panning back to show the pursuing filly periodically. Every time the camera pans back, Cozy Glow is closer to them. Cozy pulls ahead of the cameraman, flying straight into the back of a sound technician, knocking him to the ground. She turns her attention to the cameraman, and the video camera goes flying as she impacts him. The camera lands intact, but upside-down, and records her pummeling the hapless human.

“CNN apologizes for the brutality of what you just witnessed. It’s currently unknown how many of the camera crew, if any, survived this incident. Sir Attenborough is not among the people shown running from the crazed beast, and there are no updates on his status at this time.”

The footage turns to Capitol Hill where lawmakers are arguing.

“Senate Democrats are urging that we turn Equus into a nature preserve, but running into intense opposition from Senate Republicans who wish to exploit the world’s natural resources.”

Epilogue

Attenborough sits in a chair in Cozy’s dorm, with the filly sprawled out on his lap.

As you can see, after brutally attacking my colleagues, Rook has now asserted her dominance over me. I continue scratching her behind the ears and narrating. The tone of my voice soothes Rook, and she gets irritable whenever I stop talking for more than a few seconds. If anyone out there is seeing this, please send help… eventually. This is actually rather calming for me as well. Miniequus pastelhorsei is quite soft and lovely. Very fluffy. I can see why there’s so much demand for these amazing creatures as pets, yet we must resist the urge to remove such majestic animals from their native habitats to fulfill our own selfish desires. Even now I have irreversibly altered Rook, perhaps unintentionally domesticating her.

…Or perhaps it is Rook that has domesticated me. I’m not really sure any more…

Author's Note

Story notes: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/1023156/story-notes-life-on-equus