"Good luck, sunshine."
Your wife, Celestia, gives you a quick peck on the lips before walking past you and into your bedroom, closing the door behind her as she does so. With an anxious sigh, you carefully make your way down the steps, narrowly avoiding the tripwires laid out over every single one and skipping over the specific step that has been replaced by a pressure pad. If you were to step on it, you would spring two devices hidden in the ceiling, the first of which contains a gaseous poison that paralyzes you and makes you lactose intolerant and the second of which force-feeds you cheese.
How did your life reach this point?
Today is the annual fridge raid, a competition held between your wife and her sister Luna wherein one alicorn tries to swipe a shortcake from the other's refrigerator. This of course does involve some breaking-and-entering, but that's "part of the fun," you suppose. If it were up to you, you would have no part in any of this. Unfortunately, you got roped into breaking into Luna's mansion in Silver Shoals last year, meaning that this year, Luna will be trying to break into your humble Ponyville house. So... you couldn't really avoid this if you tried.
Reaching the bottom of the steps, you take a deep breath and place the special pair of goggles Celestia made for you over your eyes. Immediately, you can see that the room is filled with magical lasers, invisible to the naked eye. Of course, just being able to see them doesn't make them much easier to avoid. There have to be at least a hundred of these suckers in here, and every single one brings with it a terrible spell. That one teleports you to the far reaches of the Frozen North. That one summons Pinkie Pie to your location so that she may talk to you until you consider jumping off of a bridge. That one is just a straight-up flashbang. And that one...
Oh. That one casts the scented candle spell. You purposefully poke it.
Ahh, the sweet scent of snowpity.
Finally having made your way into the kitchen, you reach out a hand. Your fingers press against something invisible, which you know to be a magical shield maintained via a powerful enchantment. Closing your eyes, you mumble the password that Celestia taught you.
"Celestia's flank isn't that big."
Sure enough, a gap just wide enough for you to squeeze through appears in the shield, and you quickly pass through it into the kitchen. You don't feel very good lying like that, even if nopony is around to hear you, but at least it's a password Luna probably won't say accidentally.
You're forced to duck your head and bend over as you enter the kitchen. Normally the ceiling is more than high enough to account for your human stature, but Tia had the whole thing redone to where the ceiling is only about five feet off of the ground. Why? So Luna can't fly in there, duh. Obviously, you had more than a few reservations about that, but... well, good luck saying no to the most powerful pony alive.
You glance at the fridge. You know better than to touch that thing right now. There are more booby traps on it than there are ponies in Ponyville. You're fairly certain at least one of those spells will straight up kill you. It doesn't help that the fridge is also surrounded by literal bear traps. You've said it before and you'll say it again: Alicorns are crazy.
With a grunt, you crouch as close to the ground as you can, opening a tiny cubby as you do so. The interior is very dark. Just like a lot of the house right now, it's enchanted specifically to be that way. After hesitating for just a moment, you crawl inside and turn around. Just as you were informed about ahead of time, there are two things in here: a button to wake Tia up with should you see Luna, and pepper spray. You know, just in case.
You sigh as you try in vain to get comfortable. You're way too big for this cubby. As you stare into the way-too-short kitchen, your mind drifts to your wife. You're doing all of this for her, after all. You love her with all of your heart, you just really wish she would stop getting you involved in her insanity like this.
Luna isn't much better. She's a great sister-in-law, and the two of you hang out pretty often. Unfortunately, she's even more competitive than Tia. She doesn't understand your desire to not be involved in this, and her desire to win supersedes any concern she might have for your well-being. Heck, if Tia's part of the plan during last year's raid didn't go well, you could have actually been killed by her traps. You're just hoping it doesn't come to that this year.
You glance at the clock on the far side of the kitchen. It's 1:00 in the morning. The raid lasts from 12:00 PM yesterday to 12:00 PM today. Celestia took watch for the first twelve hours, and now you're standing guard until the end of the designated time frame. That said, you really wish it was the other way around. You understand that Tia chose the first twelve hours because there was more daylight and, since retiring, she is not a morning pony, but that's exactly why you felt that she needed the second twelve hours. After all, if YOU were Luna, you would come right at the crack of dawn when Celestia is less likely to be alert and ready to go. But, it wasn't up to you, so that's not what happened.
As such, you wait patiently as the hours crawl by. If your hunch is correct, she'll get here around 6:00. It's a good thing you have that button, too. The bedroom is protected by another magical shield, just like the kitchen, and this shield will keep Celestia safe when you inform her of Luna's inevitable arrival. Because, well... there's no way you could do anything to Luna, pepper spray or otherwise.
It's going to be a long shift, isn't it?
You glance at the clock once again. 6:00 AM. It's around that time for Luna to strike, and you have to admit that you're getting nervous. You take a deep breath to calm your nerves.
It's just a game. Nothing bad is going to happen.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
Uh oh.
The whole house shakes violently as the sound of splintering wood and powerful magic fill the space. There is a sound not unlike shattering glass as you're forced to cover your ears from the sheer volume of all the noise. Whatever is going on, it's coming from above you.
After a few seconds, everything stops, and the house is silent once more. However, something is... off. Poking your head out of the cubby just a little bit, you can see that all of the non-enchantment spell-related traps have been disabled. On top of that, at the bottom of the staircase, you swear you can see the sun's morning light peeking through from somewhere up above.
...Oh.
OH NO.
You press the button. Nothing happens. You press it again. Nothing happens. Closing your eyes as tight as you can, you press it once more.
Celestia isn't responding.
You do a double take when you open your eyes again. Standing in front of the cubby, not a foot from your face, is Luna. Her bloodshot eyes seem to peer into your very soul as you find yourself paralyzed in sheer terror. You open your mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.
"Hello, Anon."
"..."
"Just so you know, I've taken care of my dear sister already. Sorry, but the entire top floor of your house has been obliterated in the process."
"O... obliterated?"
"She never even woke up." Luna's voice is somewhat raspy. There's an eerie excitement to the way she talks. Frankly, she sounds completely deranged. You feel a shiver crawl down your spine. "I've been preparing for this, you know. Ever since last year."
"L-last year?" Your voice is little more than an anxious squeak.
"I really thought I won. I haven't won in a while, you know. As per usual, poor Luna is in second place. It's not fair. It was never fair." Your whole body tenses up, and you realize that you've been enveloped in a blue magic. Suddenly, Luna takes a step back and you're violently yanked out of the cubby, hitting your head in the process. She holds you in midair using telekinesis, an insane-looking smile on her face. "First, SHE was the older sister. Then, SHE got dominion over the sun. SHE was everyone's favorite princess. Through all of it, I thought I at least had the fridge raid. The great equalizer. Our victories were evenly split there. But then... THEN..." Luna slams you into the fridge, the bear traps at her hooves already having been set off and missing their target. You feel dozens of spells jolt through your body, shocking you, freezing you, giving you a nice massage, and even giving you a wet willy. Then she does it again, and again, and again. "Then she gets YOU. As if her nagging about me 'needing to find a partner of my own' wasn't annoying enough, she gets YOU to steal the shortcake in her stead!"
You feel your body begin to go numb from the pain caused by the fridge's booby traps and the repeated slamming of your back into said fridge as Luna monologues. You've never felt such an intense fear course through your being.
"L-Luna... stop... please!"
To your surprise, Luna drops you. You're lucky those bear traps have already been sprung. You begin to cough and hack violently as you gain control over your body again. You feel a weight in your pocket lift as Luna removes the pepper spray from your person. She chucks the bottle out of sight and kicks you away from the fridge.
"No more tricks. This year, I WIN."
Just as the door to the fridge is about to be opened, Luna perks her head up. She doesn't have enough time to react before the wall behind her is blown away by a blast of magic, said magic knocking her a few feet away from you and the fridge.
Standing in the new hole in the wall is Celestia. She's covered in bruises and looks worse for wear, but she's staring her sister down with a quiet fury in her eyes.
"That's enough, sister."
Luna coughs before regaining her composure and taking a defensive stance.
"I will be getting that shortcake. You will NOT be getting the better of me AGAIN!"
Suddenly, Luna is enveloped in a cloud of darkness. You do your best to crawl away just as a gust of wind blows out in all directions, throwing you back into the cubby you were hiding in earlier. When you turn around, the mare you see before you is not Luna. No...
That's Nightmare Moon.
"Sister, this is insane!"
"I will do what I must to win this fridge raid! If you're going to bend the rules by getting help because he's 'your husband,' I'M going to bend the rules for some outside help of my own!"
"And then what?! Nightmare Moon is just set loose on Equestria?!"
Nightmare Moon cackles.
"I suppose we shall see how little Twilight Sparkle and her friends do the second time around, won't we?"
Celestia, clearly having some severe flashbacks at the moment, hesitates for just a second before preparing another spell. A second blast of magic shoots from her horn, but Nightmare Moon retaliates with a spell of her own. The impact is enough to cause a minor explosion, and your vision is filled with white before you lose consciousness.
When you wake up, it's almost noon. You're lying on your back looking up at an unobstructed sky. Beneath you is the grassy terrain of your backyard, though you are also surrounded by splintered wood. Sitting upright, you wince in pain. Literally everything hurts, and you have a terrible headache.
You hear a loud booming sound above you, immediately drawing your attention to the sky. There, perhaps a hundred feet off of the ground, two alicorns do battle in broad daylight. However, they are not Celestia and Luna. Heck, they aren't even Celestia and Nightmare Moon.
They are Nightmare Moon and the intimidating, fiery-maned Daybreaker.
Glancing around, you notice two things. One, most of Ponyville seems to be evacuating. Two, your house has been completely obliterated. The only thing still standing is, coincidentally, the fridge.
You can hear the sisters arguing up there, but you can't hear what they are saying specifically. The events of the previous day play on your mind, so much so that your hearing fades entirely, replaced by nothing but a ringing noise. The fear in your eyes disappears as any sense of worry you had has been replaced by complete emotionlessness. You're not scared anymore. Heck, you aren't angry, or sad, or excited. There's just... too much going on right now. You'd rather not deal with any of it.
Heck, you specifically asked to be left out of this. Not only did that not happen, but now you find yourself standing in the wreckage of your destroyed home, looking up at your wife and her sister's evil alter-egos. They could very well destroy Equestria at this rate. And all of this for what, a tiny shortcake? At least last year had a happy ending of sorts. This... this is just too ridiculous for you to even process. There ARE no winners here. Not anymore.
Without a word, you stand up. Completely unbothered by the battle between god-like beings happening just above you, you walk towards the fridge without any emotion on your face. When you reach it, you don't hesitate to grab at the handle. Once again, you feel an intense pain as dozens of spells course through you, but you don't even react. Finally throwing the door open, you're hit with even more spells. You even feel the spell that you were pretty sure would kill you start to course through you, but it doesn't work because you're ignoring it. Does that make sense? You don't know, as you're too busy not caring enough to question it.
Casually reaching into the fridge as though this was any old trip to the kitchen, you retrieve the shortcake resting on a little platter. The trap beneath it is set off as you're sprayed by the same paralyzing gas that Luna hit you with last year. However, unlike last year, you saw it coming. In the few seconds you have before you lose the ability to move, you shove the shortcake into your mouth, forcing the whole thing down your throat in one bite. Just as you swallow, your joints finally stiffen up and you're locked in place.
After a few minutes of being frozen in front of the opened fridge, the sounds of the battle taking place above you cease. You watch as Daybreaker and Nightmare Moon both violently land on either side of the fridge and glare at you with rage.
"What have you done?!"
"Sunshine, that was NOT your role!"
You'd love to respond, but you're too busy being frozen in place. Realizing that, Daybreaker rolls her eyes and casts a quick spell on you, giving you your freedom of movement back. When you finally speak, your voice is more annoyed than anything.
"The raid is over. I win."
"YOU win?! You're not allowed to eat your own shortcake!" Nightmare Moon's voice is cold and cruel, her desire to murder you in cold blood obvious in her demeanor.
"I didn't make this shortcake. Tia did."
"We are a team, sunshine. That's just as much your shortcake as it is mine." Despite the voice sounding just like Tia's, the way in which she speaks makes it clear that this is not the same mare you married.
"Not anymore. I never even agreed to take part this year, you just assumed that I did. It might be my house, but I didn't ask to compete. Now it's noon, and you BOTH failed. YOU didn't successfully protect the shortcake, and YOU didn't successfully steal it. I'M the winner."
Both sisters glance at each other before their horns start to glow with magic.
"What do you say, sister? Shall we retrieve the shortcake from his stomach and settle this?"
"Perhaps we shall. At least then he'll learn what happens to those that interfere in the great fridge raid."
You facepalm.
"Look around you! You two destroyed my house! You let yourselves be consumed by... whatever awful feelings this competition brings you! You almost killed each other! You're actively about to kill me, your family!"
They share a glance once more, this time a look of doubt appearing on their faces.
"Th-that's only because of your foolishness!"
"Luna, you destroyed my house over a stupid shortcake. And Tia..." You look at your fiery wife with nothing but pity and disappointment. "I thought you were better than this."
A breeze blows over you as the two sisters process your words. Finally, a gentle light begins to envelop both of them. After a few seconds, your wife and sister-in-law are lying on the ground, their original forms having been returned to them.
They both groan as they get back on their hooves.
"Wh... what happened?" Your wife rubs her temple as she speaks.
"Did I win?" Luna shakes her head. "I don't think I won."
"Neither of you won," you say sternly. "I ate the shortcake. The competition is off."
"WHAT?! Why would you do that, sunshine?"
"Because somepony and her sister allowed Daybreaker and Nightmare Moon to show their faces in Equestria again. Not to mention..." You motion to the area around you. "The two of you wrecked my house."
The alicorns sheepishly look around them. You notice that a few gawkers have come out of hiding to see what exactly went on, some breathing a sigh of relief when they see that the royal sisters have returned to their original forms.
"Oops," Luna mumbles, a blush on her face.
You sigh.
"We're not doing this ever again. Do I make myself clear?"
In a shocking sight, the two alicorns bow their heads in shame before you.
"Yes, Anon." Their voices are sad and in perfect unison, like two children being disciplined by their mother.
...Actually, now that you think about it, that's how all of this started to begin with, isn't it?
"Good. Now, use whatever magic mumbo jumbo you have to fix the darn house. I'm gonna... I don't know, take a nap at AJ's place or something."
You turn to leave, but you're stopped by your wife suddenly grabbing you by the arm. You turn to look at her, noticing that she's giving you the most apologetic look you've ever seen.
"I... I'm sorry, Anon. Last year's raid was some of the most fun I've ever had, and... I just wanted us to experience that again."
After looking at her for a moment, a single chuckle escapes you as you bend down and give her a smooch on the head.
"We can go on a date whenever you want, Tia. We just don't need to frame it around this weird, deadly tradition of yours."
You turn around once again as you let go of your wife, lazily waving as you do so.
"See ya."
The two alicorns watch wordlessly as you walk away, a mixture of regret and confusion on their faces.
What a day.
"So, we agree to do this again at your place next year?"
"Right, but don't tell Anon about it."
"Hmhm, just like the good old days. You're on."
Author's Note
Kept you waiting, huh?
As always, I appreciate any and all feedback!
