There Might Be Some Fucking and Maybe Some Incest
"I, Shakespearicles, the World's Strongest Writer, assign full and irrevocable power of attorney to..." The human stopped reading aloud. "No way am I saying this!"
"You're on zee camera," said a light blue pony wearing large red spectacles. "Time iss zee money! We haff a whole film crew working here und zee time she is a wasting!" The director's white tail switched back and forth with impatient energy.
"But...this story is beyond the pale! Nopon, I mean, nocreature should have to read something like this." He whispered, "At least not on camera."
"Just last week, you has read aloud zee story uff zee stallion Sunburst und zee sister-clone Sunset Shimmer he hass made und zee mooter-grandmooter Stellar Flare mit zem all together in zee same bed. Doing zee fucking."
"I can't be held responsible for what I read in the privacy of my own home."
"You redd zat story on your twitch channel as a bedtime story for, I quote you, All my little eighteen or over only daughters and sisters and nieces and mooter and at least two grandmooters out dere."
"But I was only doing a bit! That doesn't count!"
"I haff looked at your subscribers list. It says you haff tree grandmooters following you." The producer shook her head. "How does a hooman even get tree grandmooters instead of two? And why are two of zem married to each other, and mit zee same maiden name?
The human narrowed his eyes at the producer. "That side of my family comes from a small town, ok? Just about everyone there has the same one or two last names."
"Everycreature in zat town has zee last name uff MooterFooker?"
"That's not important. The important thing is, this story you gave me is completely unacceptable, and I won't read it aloud on camera!"
The director huffed. "Let us do zee compromize. You vill read zee story, but when you finds zee parts you do not like to read aloud, you will do zee edits before you speek zem."
The human grimaced as he thought. "That's not so bad, I suppose. I should have known better than to promise in advance to accept all the stories I was sent and read them all to an audience on my twitch, but this might be ok."
"I am glad zee actor approves uff zee director's direction," the white maned pony said. "Considering zat if you cancel zee production, zee contract says you owe zee full original price plus zee cancellation fee." The producer walked around the camera, and smiled. "Perhaps whoever write zee story was not so bad, suggesting you should give zee full power uff attorney to Twilight Sparkle. She is a very smart pony. Probably much smarter zan you." The director laughed.
"Hey! I have a Ph.D. degree in physics. They don't give those out in cereal boxes."
"Zee time she is a wasting! Read zee story already! And put zee feeling into it."
The human looked down at the papers in his hand. "Because she loved him very much and wanted to protect him from being exploited by unscrupulous movie directors, the adorkably beautiful princess Twilight Sparkle tricked the very handsome and magnificently muscled writer Shaq Peerless into giving Twilight full power of attorney. That's something that happened in the story, not in real life. Are we clear on that?"
"Clear as zee glass crustacean on my coffee table," the director whispered.
"Also, Shaq only went along with that because he thought having to do anything a beautiful princess told him to do seemed kind of hot, and also he'd added a double secret probation escape clause into the paperwork before he'd signed it, so if he could get out of the contract if he thought he really needed to. Clear?"
The director nodded.
"Anyway," the human continued, "after the paperwork was signed, Shaq's day to day life was much like before. Every morning, he went to work in a top secret ultra classified lab where he performed amazing research to advance the frontiers of science and engineering, going even beyond the boundaries of ordinary genius. Every night, he slept in the same bed with his foster sister who was also his wife, and with his foster daughter who was also his other wife and who was also now his first wife's first wife."
"Keep going!" the director whispered.
"Sometimes," the human added, "before everyone went to bed, Shaq liked to read his wife and daughter a story to help them get into the mood.
"One Tuesday, he picked a new story from his in and out box: Starlight Makes a Play For Sunburst. Let me read that story to you.
Starlight Makes a Play For Sunburst
One morning Sunburst was in the Crystal Empire Archives, doing very important magical research, when he felt something warm and wet around the head of his penis.
"Not now, Cadance," he said. "I promised Shining I wouldn't fuck you into ecstasy again until he'd had another chance at it."
"Mmmrgle mrrg-rrrm mmmmmph rrmrm."
"I'm sorry, I don't speak blowjob."
The warm wet orifice pulled back from Starburst's magnificent cock. "It's me, Starlight Glimmer, your childhood friend. I have something very important to say to you."
Starburst nodded. "I think you should get out from under the table. You know why."
Unseen by the unicorn stallion whose face was above the table with his eyes still looking at his book, Starlight huffed softly.
The purple tressed unicorn mare said, "I suppose you might wonder why I turned an entire town into my personal cult of sex slaves, and then I went back in time to try to send all of Equestria into a lot of different tragically bad ends."
Starburst shrugged. "This is Equestria. We get plenty of villains who do things that don't seem to make a whole lot of sense. I assume when you did those things, it was just because you'd come down with a bad case of the Evils."
Starlight frowned. "I was really, really bad."
"Yes, you were." Starburst turned a page of his book.
"I was a very naughty girl. The kind of girl who deserves to be punished."
"So go tell one of the Crystal Palace guards to spank you. If they won't do something that simple when you obviously need it, why are ponies like me even paying taxes?"
"No!" Starlight shook her head. "There's more to it than that."
"So go have a villainous three way with Tirek and Discord, see if I care. Just stop bothering me at work."
Starlight mustered up all the courage she could, squaring her shoulders. "I have a secret crush," she said.
"So go tell her. Or him."
"Ever since I was a filly. And it's a him."
Sunburst rolled his eyes. "So buy a train ticket to Sire's Hollow, and go fuck your dad already. If money is a problem, you know Cadance is the Princess of Love, right? So you can just apply for a subsidized train ticket on one of the Sex Grant programs."
"No!" Starlight said. "It's not my father. It's somepony else who was always very special to me. Somepony who saved my life when I was a little filly."
Sunburst closed his book. "I already told you why it could never work between you and I. We have practically nothing in common."
"We're both very clever unicorns. Practically geniuses!"
"So? Half the unicorns in Equestria think they're geniuses. That's what comes of allowing Hayrick and More-Tea to be shown in the theaters, stupid ponies think they're smart. There ought to be a law against that serial."
"You know I'm not half the unicorns in Equestria."
"You might have noticed I up and left Equestria to get away from both halves."
"So tell me what it takes for somepony to get to fuck you, Sunburst. For you to love them, or at least love them enough for that."
Sunburst shook his head sadly. "The truth, Starlight, and I tell you this only because you're an old friend and I know I can trust you? I have a fetish."
Starlight blinked. "Go on?"
"I like ponies who are very shiny. I have a thing for crystal. One time I tried making love to Princess Twilight Sparkle, but while we were having sex I kept looking at the gleaming, crystalline walls of her Palace of Friendship instead of her. She noticed, and she got upset, and she threw me out of her bedroom. She levitated me outdoors without even my cloak!"
Starlight's glance briefly moved downwards, towards Starburst's magnificently long and thick horsecock. "That must have been embarrassing. All the ponies staring at your unusually enormous organ. It really stands out, you know?" She licked her lips.
"That's not important. What's important is that you and I don't have anything in common, so we can't possibly have that kind of relationship."
"What about Cadance? You said you and her do that kind of thing together."
"She's the Princess of a Crystal Empire. The Empire is like an extension of herself. That means I can stare at the crystal wall instead of at her for the whole time we're fucking, and it doesn't bother her one bit. And it's very sexy for me, to know fucking her is the closest I can possibly get to fucking a whole Empire of crystal all at once."
"I could learn a spell to turn myself into a Crystal Pony. I could invent a spell to turn myself into a Crystal Pony."
"No. That wouldn't be enough. A fake Crystal Pony just wouldn't be the same. I'd know it wasn't real."
"So what would it take?" Starlight sobbed. "I know you're able to have sex with somepony who isn't a Crystal Pony, because there's Cadance and there's the other one."
Sunburst seemed perturbed. "What other one? Who do you mean?"
"I hate to say it. I hate to say her name, because I'm so jealous."
"Who are you talking about?"
Starlight levitated a stack of photographs out of her saddlebags. "I know the pony who has nothing to do with the Crystal Empire who you, um, love." She spread the pictures out across the table, showing Sunburst, his horsecock, and his mother Stellar Flare, all sharing the same bed. "Some of these photos are pretty graphic."
"What do you want? Are you trying to blackmail me?" Sunburst swallowed. "I suppose I could try with you, if that's what it takes. No matter how much I would hate every second of it."
"No," Starlight said softly. "But I finally figured out what it might mean to have something in common with you." She levitated up a stack of DNA test result papers.
"Oh," Sunburst said. "So you and I are half-siblings. And also the other half of half siblings. Full siblings. You're my sister!"
"You know my father didn't really breed a pumpkin to make me. But to avoid scandal, when your mother got pregnant with twins, she went out of town for a year. When she came back, she raised you as her son. And my father "adopted" me "from out of town" and raised me as his daughter. They let us play together a lot, but they never told us we were relatives."
Sunburst gasped.
"Is something wrong, Sunburst?"
"There's only one thing hotter than seeing my own reflection in a thousand crystal facets while I'm fucking somepony. And that's knowing I really, truly, am fucking my own true reflection, reflected through the genetics of family."
"Does that mean?"
"Yes!" Sunburst shouted. "Let me spread you out across this table and rail you right now like I'm some kind of locomotive. Pull up your tail and let me get into your caboose!"
"Finally," Starlight said.
"Is that all?" Shaq's daughter asked. "Where's the rest of the happy ending?"
"I'm sorry. I guess they left off the end." Shaq smirked. "But, you know, if we want to, we could role play our own ending for the story."
Shaq's wife raised her hand. "I get to be Princess Cadance, and wear all my crystal jewelry!"
Shaq loved his family so much.
