Two Forts

by Shukin

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Random, Comedy
Length: 3441

The infinite struggle of two different teams for a single place... With ponies!

Their technology is stunning. Their abilities are incredible. Their battlefield… not so much. In the decades-worth battle for the Two Forts, APL (Association of Ponies Ltd.), leadered by Mr. Macintosh, aims for the property's fertile soil, good enough for the biggest apple farm ever built while BLU (Bright Luna Utopia) wants its vast area to constroy a cannon to the moon like their C.E.O., Ms. Luna, wants. With the Celestia-certified Respawn System and a ragtag of misfits each, both empires will fight to death and beyond for their own objectives, while a mysterious creature that calls herself Announcer watches everything from the shadows.

What will be the future of those two groups? Only Celestia knows.

This is a Team Fortress 2 / My Little Pony crossover fic, with many of other Valve's games threw in it for good measure. As a rule of thumb, paragraphs that starts with red is from the point of view of the APL team, while blue ones are from the BLU point of view.

BLU's pun is Wild Wisp idea, thanks to him.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2011-12-28 04:32:10 UTC

Chapter 1 - Ragtag of Misfits

He sighed. Piles and more piles of paper rose in front of him like geysers, maps and information of every location and subterranean facility in the whole terrain. A sip of coffee and another sigh as, through the window of the fourth-floor office, he saw a BLU agency being constructed just as fast as ever across the huge camp that once was only his. “Darn it.” At this rate, they’ll be done in a week, he thought to himself, his hooves over a single purple envelope from Celestia. Those things were so rare that many people thought they were just legends, and still he had one, he have been intimated by the Goddess herself and, in two days, the new experimental Celestia-certified Respawn System would come by the mail. Another sip and, again, he opened the envelope, reading its content, as it still didn’t sank in his head.

”Dear Bic Macintosh, president of the Association of Ponies Ltd.

I’m glad you’ve had success at acquiring this expansion for the Sweet Apple Acres, but I’m sad to inform that it’s not completely yours. As you may already know, my little sister Luna is now the CEO of the Bright Luna Utopia and she seeks the same terrain. You can’t both have the same space and, to correct that, I thought of a game. I’ll be sending a Celestia-certified Respawn System, an experimental mechanical pod that reconstructs ponies from their essences while bringing no damage to them after a huge trauma, like death and, with this technology, you both can fight for the land! The one who wins will be the sole proprietary of the terrain. The games will start in two weeks.

Good luck,

Celestia.”

What kind of sick joke was that? Macintosh couldn’t grasp how ludicrous was that. Again he took a look at the map, looking for the codes of every strategy point distributed over the terrain, already prepared for the whole thing, for that “game”, as She named it. Cp_Well, as it read, was the center of the map, the first point of conflict and the first use of that Respawn System in real conditions. Well, if Celestia herself is sendin’ it, I ain’t tha one t’ complain. The red stallion opened the respective folder, containing everything he would need to plan the initiative. Five points were distributed over the whole base, each one was activated by proximity and, after some time, less if more ponies were present, it turned into one of both colors.

He then reached for another folder, hitting one of the piles and dropping it everywhere, paper floating everywhere into a gracious but really annoying fall. A facehoof and a good ten minutes later, he had it organized into a corner of the room while going back to his own table, taking a bite of an apple as he continued to read. This one was for the equipment that would be provided for the game. There were nine groups of equipment, each for a kind of pony and for a different function. Three were for offensive measures, three for defense and three for support of other functions.

Macintosh pressed a button and, by the comm in his table, he heard his sister’s voice. “Applebloom, call Applejack fer me.” He nearly didn’t heard her answering, but that wasn’t important. Three minutes later, she opened his door with a small thud, closing it in the way in. “What’s so important, brother?” She looked worried.

“We need t’ gather nine ponies.” He answered, raspy.

“And why in the tarnation would we need t—“ the older brother approached her and delivered her the same mail that reached his hooves in the morning. She was muted by its content. “…I’ll get mah friends.”

She closed the envelope and put it in the front pocket of her business suit, running to get the rest of the Mane Six. They were pretty close, even after the separation of the APL into six departments, each for one of them and, as Applejack suddenly was put into a position with a lot of power, she appropriately dressed herself better, for Rarity’s delight. “That dress looks beautiful on her.” he smiled for the first time on that fatidic day.

The orange pony ran through the corridors, bumping into a lot of ponies while apologizing, some cursing her while collecting their dropped folders or analyzing how much was lost with the spilled coffee, other recognizing her easily and waving at the fast runner through the offices. Easy enough she reached the Magic department, knocking on the door three times before ignoring privacy and entering Twilight’s office. Taking a deep breath, she recomposed herself and approached the big table in the far corner of the office, close to the big wall-sized window. “Twilight, ah need to talk with ya, Big Mac had some probl—“

”Oh,” the chair turned in her direction and a young Spike waved at her. “Hi, Applejack! Twilight went away for a moment, and it sure looks important… Want to wait?” He waved at a sofa in the opposite wall, which promptly was used by a worried Applejack. The dragon ate a donut, exploding in happiness and leapt over the table, bringing the earth pony the plate full of donuts. “Want some?” She refused, he just shrugged and sat at her side. “So, what’s the message?”

She looked to Twilight’s assistant and a good idea was formed in her head. “Spike, ah remember ya talking that ya’ scales were pretty thick, right?” He nodded with a mouth stuffed with a chocolate donut. “And ya can’t feel that much, right?” The purple dragon swallowed and answered with a simple yes, and she smiled. That made him uneasy for some reason, like if she was about to try something Pinkie Pie-ish and needed a test dummy.  The doors opened again, and a pile of papers were floated to the table, followed by the purple unicorn in a gray suit.

”Spike, I’ll need these papers organized and catalogued by three o’ clock, ok?” She was so lost in her own thoughts that only when Applejack cleaned her throat that Twilight saw her old friend. “Oh, hello Applejack! What is it?” As his older brother made earlier, the orange pony threw the letter to the little bookworm, that caught it in the air with her magic and read the letter aloud. “So that’s why you asked that, right Applejack?” Spike asked, answered by a simple nod.

”Why would they need the terrain? Our objective is pretty simple: Expand the Sweet Apple Acres… Why would Luna want it too?” Twilight wondered, sitting besides Applejack in the sofa, floating one coconut donut and taking a little bite on it.

”Ah dunno, but it’s mah brother’s business, and they’re meddling with it. And ya read it, we need nine ponies for this ‘game’,” she looked to the duo, “There’s three of us, plus the others four.” Spike interrupted and, understandably, asked. “I’m included? But you need ponies, right?” She just nodded. “Ya can help, it’s enough.”

The door blasted open, a pink ball bouncing and jumping everywhere stops on the table and a rain of confetti covers both incredulous ponies. “I’m in!” Applejack looked to a stunned Twilight that stumbled over her own words. “B-but Pinkie Pie, we didn’t told you anything, how did you know?” The party pony just giggled. “I’m Pinkie Pie, silly, I know everything! And I read the introduction too!”

”What?” Pinkie just giggled again. “The readers will understand! Let’s go, we need to reunite everypony!”

How dare her! A good quantity of paper went floating with that sweep in the table, making the poor foal squeal in fright of Nightmare Moon, the terrible night-pony who would take away the day. Luna glanced at the frightened foal and approached with a low head, trying to comfort him. “SORRY, WE—sorry, we were angry… We’re sorry we startled you.” He nodded between shivers. The purple envelope still floated near the princess’ horn and her eyes ran through it again, still angry with its content. She knows how important this is for Equestria, how did he just not gave the lands to us? Luna threw herself into the reclining chair and tried to relax herself, massaging her temples with her hooves, trying to put an end to the headache that approached her. “Pipsqueak, child, we need your services.”

”What is it, princess?” He raised his eyes to the purple alicorn, still covering his face with his hooves. “We need you to find and to bring here The Great and Powerful Trixie, for she is powerful enough for our needs. And tell Braeburn that he can start the HQ building. We’re very grateful.” She took a deep breath after finishing the request, the little foal running to tell the distant Apple family member to start the audacious project of constructing a lunar cannon.

She floated some scrolls over her head and read them again, looking at the highlighting made over the course of the last week of research about the Nightmare Moon. Luna knew she was responsible for her mischief, but the purple princess remembered very clearly how clouded was her own thinking, how she couldn’t control herself. It was the making of another creature, a spirit coming from the stars to possess her and, according to her study, that eldritch creature was recovering in the moon. She couldn’t let that happen.

How would she do it? We’ll have to play this ‘game’ of Her.” The region’s map unrolled in front of her, glancing at the Cf_Well area, where the first conflict would happen. Analyzing its structures, she made annotations over the battlements, where would be ideal paths for more faster units and where the defenses could be. In the middle of her own thoughts, a few knocks on the BLU office’s door caught her attention, as she demanded anypony out there to enter.

”Princess Luna?” Braeburn asked, she giving him full attention. “Are ya highness sure of the construction? Ah know mah cousin will not like it.” She remembered little of Big Macintosh, most of her knowledge of the red stallion was from stories of fillies and his “adventures” with them, and he looked not the most respectable of ponies. “Don’t care about it, Chief of Constructions. Just construct it, and don’t forget to check with Snails about those machines.” Braeburn coughed after the mentioning of Snails, for some reason Luna didn’t get.

”Ah’ll get on mah way, then.”  The yellow pony turned in the direction of the double doors, while Luna stared at his flank for a couple of seconds as we walked to them, something that made him very uneasy. “Something’s wrong, Princess?” He asked, noticing her glances and looking back. She giggled. “We think you might be ideal for our plans…” He was definitely scared right now, knowing better that she once was Nightmare Moon, who knows what were her plans. “Pla- plans?”

The red stallion were into a rollercoaster of disaster, that’s the only thing plausible for him right now. In front of him, the crate carried to the second floor opened itself so many times that it overtook the whole floor with weapons and equipments for the warfare, powered by who knows from where. Saddles full of bombs, propane tanks, miniguns the size of ponies and baseball bats, everywhere he looked there were another kind of strange weapon or technology too alien to him. The various shotguns close to some metal crates caught his attention, those crates labeled under the Engineer section. Overall, there were exactly nine sections in the whole floor, designed for each pony who would take that position in the team.

Steps were clearer now, as the doors, now automated by the whole overhaul, opened for the Mane Six, Spike and Zecora entered the room. He stared at the zebra, receiving the same response. “Sister, do ya know who’s who already?” Big Macintosh asked bluntly, still staring at the zebra moments after finishing the question, Applejack noticed his looks and tried to cut him short. “I’m an engineer by heart, an’ Twilight is tha only one that can use tha sniper rifles, so she’s a sniper.”

”I’ll be the graciously dressed spy, if you please.” Rarity cut the apple pony, gathering a couple of eyeballs over her. “And Rainbow Dash will be our scout.” she nodded, receiving a “Awesome!” from the rainbow-maned pony. Fluttershy stood at the corner, looking at the Medic load out, observing the Medi-gun, appropriately named under it. “Ah assume Fluttershy’s the medic.” Big Mac said, receiving general nods about it. “What’s Spike doing here, anyway?”

”I’m the soldier!” he answered proudly, hitting his own chest. The whole thing looked worse by the second, but he wasn’t in the position of denying the help, so a simple nod was given, making the little dragon pretty happy, by the look in his face. “So, that leaves three. Zecora would be…?” Pinkie was the one that answered the red stallion this time. “She’s the only one here besides me that can properly use an explosive so she’ll be the demopony because I’m already a much more important offensive class with Fluttershy healing me!” The close-to-insanity rambling of the party pony was hard to grasp, but simple in her message. He thought to ask her, sure, but she answered first. “I’m the Heavy Weapons Pony, RAWR!” She said while branding one of the miniguns like it was made of paper.

How’s that possible?, wondered the stallion, being answered by the nearly telepathic Twilight. “Don’t worry, it’s Pinkie.” As if that made sense. He sighed, turning his face to the only one class that didn’t have a member. “What about the pyro?” That remark was answered with another question, from Pinkie. “Who, Vinyl? She’s a pyromaniac and all but I don’t think you’re talking about he- Ah, the class! Well, Vinyl is already in the BLU team, what about Scootaloo?”

There were a heavy thud in the corridor when Scootaloo’s name was said, and, with reason, every glance turned into the purple-maned orange pony in the origin of said sound. She was quite startled, probably from the fall, or from what caused the fall in the first place: Pinkie Pie. “Don’t worry, silly, I knew you were listening to us! And you want to help! You’ll be credit to team!” Everypony in turn looked to each other and, without many choices, they nodded at the same time, making the young filly squeal with content. She bolted across the room into the pyro load out, hugging one of the flamethrowers. “You’ll see I’m the best pyro ever! We’re probably the Cutie Mark Pyros!”

”How did… how did you reunited… Know what? We don’t care.” She facehoofed with the rage of Herself just by the sight of said group. Pipsqueak smiled, grabbing a top hat from somewhere while, with too much excitement, started his own presentation: “Your Majesty, this in front of yours truly is the best group ever reunited!” He started, interrupted by Luna’s screams. “They’re just a ragtag of misfits!” He just giggled. “But they’re the best ragtag of misfits! Let’s start with the basic class, the soldier, Braeburn!”

She looked up for a moment, watching Braeburn entering the office with full-uniform, complete with helmet in his head partially hiding his eyes and a rocket launcher strapped into his back. That was, with the exception of Trixie, the only pony that she approved, as she was the one that recommended it. “The soldier’s tactics are pure shock and awe, and this handsomely strong stallion can shock his opponents and awe their mares!” the little foal giggled. That was one thing she needed to agree to, stupid sexy Braeburn.

”From Your Majesty’s recommendations, the sniper is the only and one Great and Powerful Trixie!” She trotted into the room, the usual magic hat replaced by a simpler one, looking like one from Braeburn’s collection, practical for blocking the sunlight into the eye, and a big and menacing-looking kind-of knife strapped in her saddle, under the huge sniper rifle. That rifle was almost bigger than Luna herself! “With that kind of firepower and that access to powerful magic, Trixie can hit a target’s bull’s-eye from a mile away!” Trixie smiled, making a good pose like the big showpony she was. Then came her time to walk away and she just saddened.

”Your Majesty ain’t gonna believe it, but who’s faster than the fastest mailpony? Nopony! That’s why our scout is Derpy Hooves herself!” The gray pegasus was sported with a cap and a headphone, and a baseball bat was strapped in her back, close enough for using it with her mouth. If she hit somepony with that metal bat while flying, it was sure to cause a lot of damage. Then her eyes cock-eyed again. “Erm… And she has a peripheral sight perfect for fast chases! I think…”

”We thought of searching for an explosives expert for the demopony, but then we found Berry Punch, and that’s close enough!” Pipsqueak looked awkwardly to the door where she would come, taking too much time for her to appear. Luna couldn’t resist to facehoof again and dropped a sigh. “I… I’ll get her.” The foal jumped from the table, running to the backstage. After some moments, the drunken pony appeared while using her bottle as some kind of makeshift weapon to bludgeon Pipsqueak with any kind of damage whatsoever.

After a lot of running around, a couple of laughs and huge disappointment from the princess, Pipsqueak leaped onto the table again and continued. “She’s pretty famous for burning the house down, appropriate enough for her to be our pyro, Vinyl Scratch!” She walked in with a full-body suit and the flamethrower strapped into her back. In her ears, two white ear buds that streamed the hottest music she listened to, high enough that Luna, from the other side of the room, could listen to it. It was some kind of wub wub wub, nothing interesting. “Well, she burned a house down, literally, once. That makes her quite experienced, don’t you think?” Pipsqueak asked rhetorically, making Luna facehoof again.

”And now entering the heavy-weapons combo, we have two impressive girls! Yeah, I know this is strange, but here is Gilda, in Heavy uniform, and Little Strongheart, as Medic!” The purple alicorn’s jaw actually dropped with that display, both non-ponies and both looking absurdly menacing, Gilda herself so strong-looking that even the giant-sized minigun, big enough to surpass Luna’s size, was held like tinfoil by her strong talons. Strongheart herself was with a pretty confident look in her face, the medigun strapped into her back pointing towards Gilda’s back and the white coat hiding her own needle machinegun strapped by her flank. “Quite impressive,” Luna complemented, making Pipsqueak giggle again. “But that leaves us with two classes without ponies.”

”I know… Well, our engineer is Snails. Nothing much to talk about him…” Snails entered with a wrench in his mouth and a toolbox in his back, looking around with his new goggles. Luna approached Pipsqueak and tried to lower her voice the best she could. “Are you sure about Snails? We’re… uneasy.” The purple alicorn whispered, Pipsqueak just rolled his eyes. “I know, princess, but there’s anypony else. And we couldn’t find a spy.”

”That’s why you need me.” The voice behind them answered. Pipsqueak was so frightened by it that he dropped on the floor, feigning death. Luna gazed to his cousin and, with a smile, nodded. “You proved yourself. You’ll be our spy, Blueblood.” She put the biggest of smiles in his face and answered with a small laugh about the recovering Pipsqueak. “Looks like we have our group.” The princess affirmed. Everypony inside the office nodded. “We have two weeks before the start, that’s the time all of you have to learn how to wield your weapons. Dismissed.”

Time passes by and I wait for the day, the day where I’ll be free again… But, for now, let’s just relax, get a seat, eat some popcorn and just…

Watch.

A/N: I know there isn’t much humor in this chapter, but I’m really experimenting with the whole comedy/randomness style, and I needed the introduction for establishing the initial plot. If you liked it, rate it and comment it, I’ll be grateful. If you, readers, want to, I’ll be glad to receive your critics too and, if there’s any spelling error or strange sentence, please, say it, I’ll correct it.

English is my second language, just saying.