You're Not You When You're Horny
If Snickers Was a Dildo Company
“And what do you need the bits for?”
The list of things Sunset would have done to get her out of this situation wasn’t quite all-encompassing, but as the inevitable drew closer, she found that category slowly growing.
“…it’s personal.” Sunset replied, as being spitroasted by Derpy and Bulk Biceps found itself onto her list.
Twilight looked at her suspiciously. “Well, as long as you’re not going to take them through the portal—”
“That was once, okay?” Sunset replied. “Fine, twice if you count the first time I went over and happened to have some bits on me. But it was only that one time on purpose, and besides, I wouldn’t use your money for something ethically dubious like that.”
Twilight paused, then nodded. “The portal’s still broken, and judging from your expression, I think you need these bits right now.”
Sunset’s attention was inadvertently drawn back to her throbbing marehood. It was the only reason she was here, and she fought the urge to reach back with a hoof right in front of Twilight. Fat lot of good that’d done her last night, anyhow. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
Twilight frowned yet again, but still dropped the sizable pile of golden coins into a levitation field that Sunset summoned just barely in time. “I trust you, Sunset. Just… whatever you’re doing, try to stay out of trouble.”
Sunset hesitated, a wave of guilt suddenly washing over her. She wasn’t doing anything wrong per se—she was going to spend the bits in Equestria, and the reasons were personal. But even though Twilight had given her permission, Sunset knew that it was only because the alicorn was a better pony than herself. There wasn’t anything stopping her from coming clean other than some mutual embarrassment.
Besides, taking advantage of Twilight’s trust like this was something that the old Sunset would have done.
“Are you okay?” Twilight asked. “Or just thinking about something?”
“Twilight, I… I’m going to use the bits to buy a dildo.”
Twilight was about to smile at Sunset’s decision to confide in her, though that bun died in the oven as Twilight’s brain processed the rest of the sentence. “A what?”
Sunset didn’t even give her time to blush. “Dildo. Or vibrator, or any other sex toy. I’m not going to be picky, as long as it actually lets me get off!” Before Twilight could get a word in edgewise, Sunset’s torrent continued. “I’ve been stuck as a pony for a week, and I haven’t been able to masturbate at all! Not for the lack of trying, mind you, but every attempt only makes it worse! I just need some relief!”
Twilight spluttered, “…sorry?”
Sunset sighed. “Look, it’s not your fault. Nobody knew that the portal would break down, and I bet we’re both happy that I can be on my way soon. But who knows when Princess Celestia will have time, and… I guess I’m just too used to being able to rub one out whenever I’m horny. It’s fine.”
Twilight’s blush was on full display now. “Let's go somewhere more private.”
Twilight led the way as they walked through the empty halls together, the clopping of hooves the only sound echoing off the crystal walls. After sending off Twilight’s request to Celestia this morning, Spike had left for an Ogres & Oubliettes session with some of his friends, leaving the pair alone in the castle. Hopefully nobody else had heard her outburst.
Her hindquarters rubbed against her swollen nethers, sending more infuriating tingles up her body. She’d been dealing with such bodily distractions after a mere weekend in Equestria, and it had only gotten worse when she finally broke down and tried to get herself off yesterday. She’d known that it wouldn’t work, and, well, it didn’t.
Really, asking Princess Twilight for help with this was a last resort for her, considering her feelings of inadequacy that had led to her stealing the Element of Harmony in the first place. But just because Celestia had seemed to pick the succeeding student for the crown didn’t mean Sunset had to let those feelings dominate her life.
Yet getting help from anyone with what would ideally have stayed a personal matter, especially Twilight Sparkle, was… awkward, to say the least. The Princess’s wings were flared, and Sunset incorrectly assumed that it was an attempt to maintain an air of regality and control.
It seemed that the destination Twilight had in mind was her private study—she’d pointed out the location to Sunset before, but the door had been closed at the time. So as Sunset caught her first glimpse of the room, what stood out were the sheer number of places to sit. The futon in the corner stood out to her with its inviting red, but there was also a chair behind the desk, a padded rug, and a patch of what she assumed was magically-maintained, perfectly manicured grass—all great for curling up with a book from the library just down the hall, she realized.
Twilight’s horn glowed, and the door closed behind Sunset before the alicorn finally spoke. “You should only be here until the end of the day at worst. After we get the old journal recharged, you could go back and… do it in your world, I guess.”
“I don’t even want to deal with another hour like this,” Sunset whined. She smacked her face with her hoof, painfully chipping it against her horn in the process. “Ugh, if only I’d left my half of our journal on the other side of the portal.” She directed her gaze towards a brown book on Twilight’s desk, its cover bearing a symbol created from combining Twilight’s cutie mark and her own. Its other half—currently a few steps down in the guest room—was a gift from Twilight after Celestia’s old journal had filled up. “You probably could have used this pair instead, right?”
“Probably. Though it’s kind of my fault for using the old set to power the mirror.” Twilight smiled wanly. “We’re lucky that the connection only weakened as the magic ran out—otherwise, you might have needed to wait a full thirty moons for the portal to naturally recharge. I’m not sure even Princess Celestia could fix it at that point.”
“Thirty moons,” Sunset huffed. “I can’t do a week.” She shook her head and plopped herself down on the red futon. Now, it was just up to Celestia to come by and restore the enchantment on the journals.
“And about that…” Twilight blushed again. “There’s no, umm, ‘adult toy’ establishments in Ponyville. The closest is Canterlot, and I’m not sure how you would get there.”
Sunset immediately thought of several options. Teleportation might have been effective, but she was far too rusty. A sky chariot was how she used to travel, but asking Twilight for that seemed like too much—not to mention that Flash Sentry seemed to be a Royal Guard in this world, and she did not want to meet him lest her urges cause a minor scandal for Twilight. And the Friendship Express, well…
“I, uhh, wouldn’t trust myself on the train in my current state,” Sunset decided to say. “If you know what I mean.” She sighed. “It’s fine, I knew it was going to be a stretch anyways.”
Twilight thought for a moment. Sunset guessed that she, too, did not like the prospect of being seen in a seedy sex shop. Even just imagining the rumours was a little overwhelming.
“Actually, there’s this spell that you might know,” Twilight slowly said. “You were a student at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, right? So you have to know, since it was basically CSGU tradition. The entire mare’s dorms knew about it, and at least a couple of the stallions did too.”
Sunset had an inkling of what Twilight was referring to, though she dared to let herself hope. “Demonstrate?”
Twilight blushed, and her horn alighted. The resulting magical blob was rather phallic, rather large (at least by Sunset’s evaluation), and vibrated softly with a hum. But she knew that the spell was far more complex than a simple vibrator, and Sunset was almost jealous of how easily Twilight had cast it.
Unfortunately, it was also exactly what Sunset had expected. “The enhanced dildo spell? Twilight, I invented that spell.”
Twilight’s eyes went wide. “Wow, that’s truly amazing. They’d told me it was created by Princess Celestia during her seven hundred–year celibacy.” Thinking back to the sheer number of hours she’d blissfully whisked away with that spell, she added, “Really, thank you so much. And I mean that personally.”
Sunset beamed. “Umm, it wasn’t all me,” she hastily added. “Cadance helped, too.”
“Cadance?”
“Yeah, well, we lived in the same castle.” Sunset debated whether to tell the next part, then decided that the cat named ‘too much information’ was way out of the bag by this point. “Did you know that Cadance can tell when ponies are having sex? She said that she could feel me coming hard, harder than anything she’d sensed before, so she tracked me down and, well, eventually got the spell out of me. Scary, I tell you.” Sunset shrugged. “But, hey, she put in her share of improvements, like the orgasm-triggered mana ejaculation.”
Twilight immediately re-evaluated the nature of several incidents she’d witnessed between her former babysitter and Shining Armor. Perhaps those times Cadance had accidentally “surprised” him hadn’t been all that accidental.
“That… I didn’t know she could do that,” Twilight said. “Also, you called the spell the ‘Enhanced Dildo.’ I only ever knew it as ‘Celestia’s Cobweb Cleaner.’”
Sunset almost choked. It ended up being called that? she thought. She’d only ever shared the spell with one or two ponies, just months before she left the school forever. But given how close everypony was—well, everypony else—Sunset supposed it was no wonder it spread. She could almost hear the excited whispers circulating through the dorms as ponies taught the spell to each other, spinning up tall tales until it became a legend unto itself. To think that one of her little inventions ended up leaving a legacy…
“But yeah,” Twilight continued, oblivious to Sunset’s churning thoughts, “it sounds like the spell worked for you before. Haven’t you tried it?”
“Dammit, Twilight, of course I have!” Sunset said. “Why do you think it would have worked better than anything else I tried?”
Twilight took a step back. “I—”
Sunset ignored her. “I can barely levitate the pages in a book! Remember the first time we met, and at least I could still teleport? Now all that my horn is good for is bumping into things. My magic isn’t even the same colour anymore!”
She howled and rolled off the futon, collapsing onto the ground.
“Sunset,” Twilight said, awkwardly forcing her wing down to comfort the unicorn, “it’s okay to be unfamiliar with your magic after so long.”
“Look, this was where I was born,” Sunset replied. “Even though I was never as happy here as I am at Canterlot High now, I still feel like it’s a part of me. Like, being able to teleport instead of walking was cool, right? And I know I was the one who ran away in the first place, but…”
“You still miss Equestria sometimes?” Twilight guessed.
“More like I miss who I was, even though who I was… wasn’t somepony I’m proud of now. But, like, I could maybe still cast spells and do things that ponies can do,” Sunset said, standing up, “instead of being stuck here hornier than Celestia’s forehead and twice as useless!”
“…Celestia’s forehead?” Twilight raised an eyebrow and blushed.
“Look, Twilight, you don’t have to hide all the things you’ve wanted to do with that horn. Or do to it, for that matter.”
Twilight spluttered as the glow on her cheeks escalated to a wildfire. “B-but… how?”
Sunset shrugged with an oddly glum expression. “Lucky guess, but you basically confirmed it for me. You did write some rather salacious things about her in the journ—”
“We agreed to never talk about that!” Twilight said.
Sunset snorted. “Look, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I had my own stash of Celestia erotica too. An alicorn fantasy is the most common sex fantasy in Equestria… which you probably have experience with, don’t you.”
Hearing that Sunset Shimmer shared her… interest in Celestia was a relief to Twilight, and Sunset’s insistent stare eventually got through to her. “I’m a part of at least eight fantasies from ponies I know,” she said, sighing. “Six more than I needed to know about.”
“The two?”
Twilight blushed. “A lady doesn’t kiss and tell.”
“That’s totally a Rarity line,” Sunset said, to Twilight’s horror. “Which just leaves the other one.” Then she shrugged. “Eh, not important. That Celestia erotica, though…” Sunset wore a suggestive smile.
Twilight’s wings were still out. “No.”
“C’mon, I just wanted to compare.”
“Only if you let me read yours.”
Sunset sighed and shook her head. “That’s not possible, because I burned mine.”
“What? Why?”
“Yeah. Celestia found it”—and Twilight winced in sympathy—“and I guess she ended up giving me The Talk. You know?”
Twilight nodded.
“Yeah, so she talked about things. Things like why she hadn’t taken a partner in over seven centuries, and how I wasn’t about to change that. And, well, I guess I realized that I would never have a chance, so why bother?”
That cannot have been good for her mental health, Twilight thought. I would have expected Princess Celestia to have more tact than that, and it certainly wasn’t like that when she gave me ‘The Talk.’ Though I suppose that, in my case, she wasn’t aware of my… fantasies. Heavy silence hung in the air. Eventually, she said, “And then you burned it?”
“Yeah. So I don’t have anything to exchange.”
Twilight sighed. “It’s okay. I’ll still let you read my, umm…”
Sunset held out a warding hoof. “Really? Look, you don’t have to do this. I totally wasn’t trying to manipulate you with a sob story or anything.”
“Hah. No, really,” Twilight said. Then she blushed and shrugged. “Might even help you get off too, who knows.”
“Wow, Twilight, you are so lucky Celestia didn’t find out about these.”
They were in Twilight’s bedroom, Sunset sprawled across the floor while Twilight supervised her from the vantage point of the bed.
“It’s just a Neighpon-inspired futanari story! The genre is one of the most common there is!” Twilight’s red face, however, betrayed her true emotions.
“Okay, but…” Sunset cleared her throat. “‘Princess Celestia slapped Evening Glitter across the face with her massive dick, and for a moment it was as if Evening Glitter was back in magic kindergarten, being disciplined again. The similarity to how Celestia’s riding crop had wrapped around her neck after she’d failed her transfiguration spell for the fifth time—leaving a welt which stung for days—just turned her on even more.’ You call this normal?”
Twilight buried her face in her hooves.
“And there was also Celestia’s sentient bananas,” Sunset continued, flipping through the collection again. “And that one with the books. Just, why, Twilight? Why?”
A whimpering noise came behind her, and Sunset felt a pang of guilt.
“I mean, not like it wasn’t good,” Sunset said. “As you can tell by how frustrated I am.” As she felt another trickle down her tail, she twisted the lower half of her body in an attempt to stop herself from staining the floor. “I’m so close, but… ugh!”
“This is just the stuff I thought about!” Twilight finally replied. “And even Princess Celestia said that there’s no wro—” She suddenly cut off with gasping noises.
Sunset turned around. “You didn’t have to rub it in by rubbing one out,” she noted as Twilight came, feathers and legs shaking.
“I’m sor—sorry!” Twilight said as the orgasm subsided and she stopped moaning. “But you talking about my stories, it just brought back so many memories that I couldn’t help it!”
Sunset snorted angrily. “Whatever. First you actually had sex with Celestia while I never did, and then you bring up your ‘memories’ with her, masturbating in front of me while I can’t even get off!”
“Sor—wait.” Twilight sat up straight, bouncing slightly on the mattress. “I had sex with Celestia?”
“Of course you did,” Sunset said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “How else would you have your crown?”
“…I’m a Princess?”
“Look, being an alicorn, or even being Princess, doesn't mean you get a crown,” Sunset explained impatiently. “You have to rule over your own realm or be consort to someone who does. Cadance was Princess of Love way before she ever got one; I only saw her with a crown after she took charge over the Crystal Empire.”
“No? She's had that crown at least since her and Shining's wedding, moons before the Crystal Empire returned.”
Sunset stood up. “She got married to that dork she was dating?”
Twilight glared. “That dork is my brother.”
“…right,” Sunset said, recalling that Principal Cadance was dating human-Twilight’s brother, too. Then she remembered the topic at hoof. “Wait, Cadance had a crown before she was put in charge of the Crystal Empire? Was she also Celestia’s consort? Did Princess Luna bring back primae noctis?”
“No! I'm saying that I never had sex with Princess Celestia!”
Sunset slumped onto her hindquarters, a look of confusion on her face. “But… the crown. For the last thousand years, crowns were only ever worn by true rulers or their consorts.”
“That might have been the case,” Twilight said. “But it’s been seven hundred and fifty-three years since Princess Celestia last took a consort.”
“So if you knew the history, why did you put the Element of Magic in a crown?” Sunset challenged. “You knew that other ponies might get the wrong message!”
“I didn’t! The Element just materialized into one!”
“…oh.”
“Sunset, what’s wrong?”
She had a blank stare on her face. “Imagine this, Twilight. Imagine running away to an alternate world for years after your teacher rejected you. Only to come back and see your teacher’s next student wearing a crown embedded with one of the most legendary artifacts in Equestria. Like, I thought she just fucked you, Twilight, after telling me that she would never, ever have sex with any student of hers. And you’re an alicorn on top of that!”
Twilight stepped off her bed and sat down next to Sunset. “I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah,” Sunset said with a sniffle, then looked at Twilight. “But, hey, at least you blasted some sense into me, and everything worked out.”
The door cracked open, and the hint of an ethereal mane poked through. “I can confirm that I never had sex with Twilight Sparkle,” said a voice which absolutely mortified the occupants of the room. “And, Twilight, I did find out about your erotica of me as well. However, I… remembered my experience with Sunset Shimmer, and decided to take a different approach. Sunset, I am deeply sorry for what I said. I never meant to hurt you.”
“…how much did you hear?” Sunset managed to choke out.
“Not much, only as I passed by the door to reach the portal room and recharge the book. Though I may not think about magic kindergarten the same way for the next few moons.”
Sunset caught Twilight as she just about fainted.
“Anyways, I shall leave you to it,” Princess Celestia said. “I will be waiting in the library in case the recharged journal was not enough to restore the connection.” The door closed.
Sunset looked down at Twilight, who was currently being propped up in her hooves. Twilight met her gaze and blushed, but didn’t move.
“You thinking what I’m thinking?” Sunset asked with a suggestive look. After all, a pony didn’t have to get off by herself.
Twilight smiled and patted the springy mattress of her bed.
Author's Note
For much more serious takes on Sunset’s estrangement from Equestria, check out Sledge115's Little Shop Down Canterlot Road and EileenSaysHi’s Together from Canterlot to Canterlot. These stories were a significant inspiration.
