Anon and the mystical gem of shitpost power
You are Anonymous Aggot, middle initial F, resident human resident of Ponyville. You are the firstborn son of Incognito Aggot, also middle initial F, and are—were—the heir to your family's throne. No one cares aboot your backstory, but with pronunciation like that, you're probably a Canadian. Let's stay in the present: You've been living in Ponyville for a while now, after that interdimensional portal sucked you up like a wet noodle through a nostril.
The unicorn physicist who greeted you promised that the portal "was definitely an accident that will not happen again if you know what's good for you and you can't prove it was intentional and if you try anything I'll report you as an illegal alien". You're not sure what that threat means, given your obvious unusual stature, and Equestria's complete lack of immigration laws.
As you're walking down the creatively-named Ponyville Road, you think to yourself that, despite the shenanigans these ponies engage in weekly, it's a pretty nice community to be part of. Well, except for one thing...
Yep, that's Fluttershy you can see in the distance. You look around for somewhere to hide, but before you can dash behind the nearest house, Fluttershy has already channelled her inner pega-power to reach you at a speed that would make even Rainbow Dash blush. She only ever seems able to do it when she catches your scent on the wind, funnily enough. Perhaps you can bottle your unique alien aroma as an overpriced performance-enhancing perfume?
Hovering before you, with a hint of excitement in her funky alien wing body language, Fluttershy is holding some weird glowing gemstone thing. As a person who never learned the intricacies of magic before coming here, you have no idea what it's for. You do know one thing, though: I don't want that thing anywhere near me.
"Fluttershy, what the fuck is that? You had better not be getting any more of your ideas. I already told you I'm not letting you shove stuff up my ass."
Fluttershy giggles behind a hoof, and replies "Silly Anon, this doesn't belong in your ass. Not that I'd mind pushing it into your hot monkey anus with my pony hooves, but"—and at this, her face falls a little—"I don't think the enchantment would be able to handle it."
She fluts a little closer to you. Turning around to walk away, you say "I don't want to know what you mean by that. Whatever it is, keep it away from me."
You had been intending to visit one of your friends. Terri Softmare mentioned she's been developing a new theory of magic, and as you are an interdimensional alien from a world where most magical knowledge is very much not public, she's curious to get your opinion. She's going to have to wait a little while longer, sadly, thanks to the madmare with a primate fetish.
What would our babies even be? Would they be normal ponies? I can't see a mare pushing out a human baby. Maybe they'd be centaurs? ... NOPE! That sounds absolutely horrifying. Let's think about something else right now.
You can hear Fluttershy's wingbeats as she keeps pace with you. This mare never learns. You could swear she's autistic, but not even that nerdy librarian unicorn, Twilight, had ever heard that word before you spoke it. Probably, she just has the libido of a teenage zoomer in high school who just learned it's possible to be sexually attracted to a different species and is getting waaay too interested in the topic.
A moment later, Fluttershy speaks up. "You know, Anon, I had it made just for you! I think I've really figured out what your fetish is this time!"
You'd swear you could even hear a squee behind you. Instead of replying, you walk a little faster, but to no avail. The Fluttershy is an apex predator of the sexual food chain, and she will not be denied.
You hear her voice again, and immediately groan internally. She says "Since you asked, I'll tell you. It's a teleportation enchantment, meant to bring together two lovers's bowels."
Oh sweet baby Jesus, what has she done this time? you think, sweat appearing on your brow. You walk a little faster again, reaching your maximum speed without switching your gait to a run. It would be rude to run from a friend, wouldn't it? That's what Fluttershy's associates told you the last time you ran from her and she complained about it. Through some highly unfortunate stroke of fate, they've never witnessed her strangest behaviors, and when you tell them, they just give you a fluoride stare and act as if you didn't say anything.
Although, now that you think about it, you're not sure Twilight is as ignorant as the rest of them. Well, you know what they say about nerdy introverted librarians. She probably gets off on this, the sick purple freak.
You look behind you, and notice the gem glowing brighter than when this whole encounter started. Christ, is Fluttershy actually a quest NPC punishing you in increasingly convoluted ways for continuously rejecting the plotline? What cruel gods must preside over this world for it to be so?
You notice an increasing need to take a dump that has been building over at least the past minute or so. You really hope it has nothing to do with Fluttershy's latest attempt to get in your pants. Wait, didn't she say something about bowels?
"You know, Twilight enchanted this for me. She's such a good friend, and so understanding! You should stop and take a closer look. It really wasn't easy for her, you know."
What the fuck. No way, hoser.
You finally drop into a sprint, but Fluttershy doesn't get any farther away. You run, and run, and run so far away, but you can't get away. If anything, her wingbeats are even louder now, pounding in time with your heartbeat and the blood rushing through your ears. You just want this day to be over.
Finally, Fluttershy speaks up once more, and you learn the terrible truth.
"It's teleporting my poop directly into your monkey asshole. Don't you understand, Anon? I'm going to shit yourself!"
Author's Note
Written in the span of around 1.5 hours while fluttershy REALLY likes humans played on repeat. I'm not sure how many times it played during the writing, but my total play count is over 1200.
Based on a greentext I wrote on 2021-09-03:
be Anon, walking down Ponyville Road
spy Fluttershy in the distance
oh no
before you can hide behind the nearest house, she zooms up to you with her pega-power
she's holding some weird glowing gemstone thing
"Fluttershy, what the fuck is that? I already told you I'm not letting you shove stuff up my ass."
"Silly Anon, this doesn't belong in your ass."
"Well whatever it is, keep it away from me."
"But I had it made just for you! I think I've really figured out what your fetish is this time!"
Instead of replying, you walk away, but she follows you, of course
"It's a teleportation enchantment, meant to bring together two lovers's bowels."
You increase your walking speed
The gem thing glows brighter, and you quickly feel an increasing need to take a dump
what the fuck
"It's teleporting my poop directly into you. Don't you understand, Anon? I'm going to shit yourself!"
