Author's Note

This is a part of the Jest Days of Christmas, where I update something every single day of December. Go check out the link for the full list and check back everyday for a new update!

Krumpin' A Big Bug

I awoke once more on the cold hard floor, surprisingly well-rested and feeling rather spry. Clambering up into a stand, I found that my pants were a bit tight and that I had gained another few inches of height. Still a little groggy, I walked over to the doorway and put my back to the door frame before adding a notch with Pig Sticka directly over my head.

Taking a step back, I glanced at my impromptu height chart with a satisfied smirk. Sure enough, I was another few inches taller, making me about the height of a skarboy, or ‘ard boy depending on the edition. Regardless, I was bigger and tougher but not by a lot, which made sense as the fight was a good one but it wasn't that good.

Either way it was good to know that I was still progressing, albeit slowly.

As I scratched my ass and stumbled out into the courtyard, I felt a bit of vertigo overcome me. A headache nearly knocked my aforementioned ass, but thankfully I caught myself. I just stood there for nearly a minute, struggling with gravity itself until my sense of balance returned to me once more.

“‘Dat was weird,” I muttered to myself.

I was about to keep walking when the headache returned but thankfully only for a split second. When it left this time I felt knowledge float to the surface of my mind, teasing me with images of shootas, choppas, and even scrap armor. All of it was suitably orky and ramshackle but I believed it would work, therefor it would.

“Wait, duz it even work 'dat way? if I know it works on belief duz ‘da belief 'dat I know kount as ‘da belief ‘n it?” I babbled to myself. “Oi dis iz mak'n ma head hurt.

I shook my head and set course for the forge, grabbing Pig Sticka, and a rib bone to chew on as I thought about stuff.

“I'z jus gonna say it's gunna work until proven otherwise,” I declared halfheartedly.

With that in mind, I began to wonder just how I was going to find the necessary ingredients to make gunpowder. Scratch that idea, I barely even had enough metal to make a friend for Pig Sticka, so worrying about that was off the table. Still, it was a nice idea, some real armor, a proper shooter, both would help my chances of survival significantly.

But it also wouldn't give me as good of a fight, as there likely wasn't much in the Everfree that could survive getting sprayed with whatever ridiculous caliber ork guns used. Thus no matter how badly I wanted to get my grubby green hands on my very own shoota that would have to be put on the back burner. As would my lingering idea of constructing any kind of orkish building, as that info had yet to spring to mind.

“Probably don't have enought fighty energy for dat anyway,” I remarked idly, rolling the bone around my mouth like it was a cigar. “‘Da waugh field iz probably jus enough ta keep ma stuff from fall'n apart.”

I kicked a rock in bitter disappointment, my brain teasing me with thoughts of having a Pig Sticka in one hand and a shoota in the other. I didn't let my irritation get me down though, and with a grunt, I set out at random into the forest. Once more, I had no idea where I was going but I hoped that wherever I ended up had a decent amount of metal.

Trusting once more in the forest, I hefted Pig Stick over my shoulder, adjusted what armor I had on, and picked up the pace. My stomping feet scattered most critters, though I noticed the small ones didn't seem bothered by my presence. Birds, squirrels, and the like simply observed me like I was a passing curiosity rather than one of the largest and most dangerous predators in the entire forest.

Seeing one rather brave wolf peeking out from around a tree, I grabbed the rib I had chewed on and chucked it at the critter. Surprisingly he snagged it out of the air and wandered off at a slow, unconcerned pace. I wondered briefly if I could domesticate them, but chose to put that thought aside for the moment.

I needed more armor, a backup weapon, and to adjust this cuirass, as I had made it a little bigger than necessary but it was already getting snug. If I evolved into a Nob while I was wearing it I’d probably explode or something, either way, it wouldn't be good. I needed a backup weapon, and a scrap pile for when I could start making buildings and stuff but armor came first.

“Hold on jus a second. If ork armor works 'cos Ize believe it duz, would mak'n betta armor actually decrease 'da protective qualitiez or would dey only improve?” I asked no one in particular. “

“Bah. I kant answa dis stuff without Boyz, an' metal anyway,” I muttered, only to stop. “Dat betta happen soon. I'z start'n ta talk ta myself way too much.”

Now feeling rather self-conscious about the new tick I was developing, I decided to refocus on the path ahead. Only to find that in my rambling wander, I had stumbled upon a low, hilly area that was probably a fair distance from my fort. Here I paused, and scanned the area, my brain churning with all the information being fed into it.

Then at about halfway through my inspection, I felt something click, and I walked off to the right though I knew not why. It didn't take long for me to reach my unseen destination, as I stumbled, quite literally upon a section of hill that had likely been washed away in a flood. A small creek trickled nearby, and though interesting, it was the large exposed section of rock that caught my attention.

The dirt and gravel that had once topped it was gone, exposing the earth beneath, including a deposit of what I was looking for. Iron, recognizable due to the tightly layered sedimentary rock jutting out from the side of the hill. I broke off a small section and licked the rock, confirming my suspicions, but not helping my morning breathe.

“Yup, dats iron,” I muttered.

Intrigued, I walked over to the small creek and knelt down near the edge. There I was able to find a small pool full of deep orange water.

“Lotsa iron,” I exclaimed. “Probably 'n da ground wata too.”

“Now I jus need a few more fings ta make steel, an’ den... Wait, wot else do I need? bah, I'll figure it out lata,” I declared aloud.

I wanted to begin wandering once more but decided to pause there at the creekside for a moment. The untamed beauty of nature was a pleasant sight, with the frogs, turtles, and other critters moving about, seemingly unaware of my presence. Though a part of me wanted to grab one of the shelled animals and see what it tasted like, I wasn't actually that hungry.

I figured that my evolutions must be filling my belly, as I hadn't actually eaten a lot since my arrival. Sure I’d chomped down on a couple of things, and took a few gulps of water, but I hadn't really had a good meal. It made sense though, as orks could fight for days, months, and even years with barely anything in the way of rations.

“Best go find a gud fight. Clock's tick'n an’ I still need me Boyz,” I told a curious frog that had stopped to stare at me.

The frog ribbitted back, and I like to think he was agreeing with me. Either way, the truth of my statement remained, and thus I set off once more, heading back up the hill. From such a good vantage point I could see damn near half of the Everfree, or at least I assumed so. I couldn't know for certain but I was definitely looking out over a good chunk of land, so it was a fair assessment.

There were the odd mountains, a gorge, some more hills, a valley, some swamp lands, and even a big lake. The Everfree really was massive, and every inch of it was teeming with critters, as well as other obstacles. These barriers may block pony expansion and exploration, but orks were a bit tougher, and a bit meaner than those squishy four-legged critters.

As I was ruminating on the wealth of natural beauty laid before me, I noticed something odd. Movement, and a lot of it at that. It looked almost like a mini stampede, with wolves both wooden and otherwise fleeing alongside rabbits, birds, and the like.

Peering a little closer, I was able to make out an odd, winged shape chasing after them. It looked like a bear, only not quite, for it had four arms, a stinger, and insectoid wings. Its coloration was also completely off, being a mix of white and black with orange stripes.

“Bugbear,” I murmured. “Ya lot aren't supposed ta be from around ere.”

“An invasive speciez eh? Well, I guess I found ma next fight an’ it looks like it'll be a gud wun," I declared, a grin already on my lips.

With a fire now burning in my belly, and an itch in my sword hand, I set off at a loping pace. My long legs carried me a great distance in little time, my thumping feet once more alerting the various animals to my presence. This time rather than just watch me go they seemed to be cheering me on, their tiny paws pointing towards the bug bear.

“Maybe dis forest really iz alive. Or maybe whateva put me ere iz still help'n out. Whatever, let's go krump some ugly bear fings,” I remarked aloud.

Though my curiosity was once more tickled, I didn't entertain such thoughts for long, as I was rapidly closing in on my prey. The wave of fleeing animals stampeded toward me, and broke, splitting into two groups, one that went to my right, and the other to my left. Like a solitary stone dividing the course of a river, I charged through the surf until I emerged out the other side.

The moment I cleared the mass of terrified creatures, I found myself only a dozen or so meters from the bug bear. The space between us was little more than a turkey trail barely wide enough for either of us to use without clipping a bush or tree as we moved. I didn't mind and merely charged straight through whatever branch or piece of foliage that stood between me and it.

With Pig Sticka raised, and a mighty yell of waugh on my lips, I was apparently quite the intimidating sight. As the moment the Bug Bear laid eyes on me, it stopped dead in its tracks, its plan of terrorizing the forest critters temporarily forgotten. The deafening bellow of my war cry echoed for miles all around and was powerful enough to even make the Bug Bear think twice.

Though he still decided to attack me, it was clear to me that the monster had realized it was no longer the predator. Rather the massive, hulking green biped clad in leather pants, a metal cuirass, and waving a large sword was the hunter here. Still, it had enough fortitude to meet my charge, a rather sad roar of its own trying and failing to match my thunderous cry.

I used its hesitation to my advantage, and attacked first, bringing Pig Sticka down on the beast’s shoulder. There was just enough force behind the strike to sever one of the creature’s four arms, shocking the thing. Recoiling, it cried out in pain and grabbed at the bloody stump in what I assumed was a vain attempt to stop the bleeding.

I continued to push, but this time the bear used its wings to retreat out of my reach. I thought it would continue to flee, but was surprised and glad that it decided to attack me rather than run. It did so by swiping at me with its two arms, using its height advantage to swing at my face.

I brought Pig Sticka up to cut off more of the thing’s limbs, but the thing was already pulling back. A feint, the strike hadn't carried much weight behind it, for the true attack was aimed at my torso. The stinger had a wide head and resembled a spear tip, though like said weapon it had no chance of piercing my defences. I didn't even try to dodge, and just let the bug hit me, its point scraping against the armor, accomplishing nothing.

It seemed confused by this, giving me a chance to press my luck, which I did so immediately.

Grabbing its right leg, I pulled hard, dragging the beast down to my level while Pig Sticka went up to meet it. The scrap blade plunged deep into the monster’s midsection, burying itself nearly all the way to the hilt in the process. The torrent of blood that poured out of the bugbear’s midsection was accompanied by a horrendous, almost insectoid screech of pain.

The monster seemed to understand that I had landed a fatal blow, as it made no attempt to free itself. Instead, it grabbed me with its three remaining limbs and attempted to chew off my head using its teeth. My skull was harder still, and I just grinned as the thing found that although he could tear off a bit of flesh that was all he could do.

“Yer kall 'dat a bite? I'll showz ya git how it's done!” I shouted.

Though it likely had no idea what I said, it soon understood the meaning of those words. With a twist of my blade, I forced the creature to the right, exposing its neck. I then bit down on the creature with all the strength I could muster, crushing its windpipe and severing more than a few arteries in the process.

The creature flailed, and screamed, though its cries were little more than angry gurgles and its swipes halfhearted. Its death throws were brief, though, through it all, I held on, continuing to bite down until I had nearly severed the creature’s head entirely. My mouth filled with blood, and the red vitae poured down my body, creating a grim waterfall that terminated in a small puddle of crimson that gathered around my feet.

Once it had grown still, I released my hold on it and shoved the beast from Pig Sticka. It flopped to the ground, twitching a few more times before finally dying.

Raising my blade above my head, I bellowed a triumphant waaaagh for all the world to hear. Once more my war cry shook the trees and echoed for miles, though this time it was accompanied by a green glow. Unlike when I had seen it last, the light was weak and closed what little wounds I had gained before disappearing.

“‘Dat fight was fun, but it wasn't gud enough. I need someth'n stronger, an meaner,” I reasoned to myself.

Looking around, I was about to start trying to track the bear when a curious thing happened. A robin settled on a nearby branch and extended a wing in the direction the bug bear had come from.

“It looks like I got meself a guide. Kome on little wun, showz me 'da way," I encouraged.

The robin bobbed its tiny head and leaped into the air, flying slowly in the direction it had previously indicated. I headed that way a moment later, my long legs easily catching up to the winged creature. Once it was almost directly overhead, the bird started pouring on the speed, ensuring that it stayed slightly in front of me.

With the bright red creature serving as my own personal north star, I ran on, weaving through the forest. As I moved, I found that my footing was increasingly uncertain, with bits of shale, and fallen rocks getting in my way. I was one step away from becoming a nob though, so I was big enough that I could just step over them without breaking stride.

After a few minutes, I noticed I was now on an incline, and ahead of me, the trees were beginning to thin. The rocky terrain made larger groups of plant life difficult, allowing me to see that there was a small valley not far away. Surrounded on two sides by steep but not sheer cliffs, and backed with a white wall of stone that almost looked unnatural. Just from looking at it, I couldn't tell if it was truly built by intelligent hands, but given its enormity I assumed it was natural.

That particular riddle wasn't terribly important, though what was important was the buzz of activity in the valley. Bug bears flitted this way and that, pulling down rocks, digging trenches, and generally setting up shop. The bones of what had likely been a pack of wolves lay slowly bleaching in the sun nearby, serving as a warning to others.

To me, the remains were a useful signpost and that was it, as I could probably kill a wolf with a solid punch at this point. It also marked as far as my winged guide was willing to go as well, as he took off back the way he came. I gave him a nod of thanks, before shouldering Pig Sticka and walking up to the entrance of the valley.

As I strode confidently toward the gathering of winged bears, I realized something. Namely that I wasn't tired in the slightest despite having just sprinted several miles, on top of the fight and all the wandering I did earlier today. It made sense, as orks were hardy, and I was the hardiest of the hardy beaten only by true nobs, as well as a war boss, of course.

With my confidence still high, I walked right past the first of the bug bears and kept going. The creature seemed so shocked at my boldness that he didn't initially do anything. After I took a few more steps he moved to block my path, but I immediately sucker-punched him right in the bread basket.

The moment he hit the ground, gasping for air, I swung Pig Sticka like a baseball bat, and decapitated the monster. I plucked his confused head out of the air and kept going without missing a beat. Though I was tempted to stop and fanboy a bit at how cool that must have looked, I just kept on going and only internally squealed with delight.

None of the other bug bears moved to block my path, and upon reaching the center of the valley, I stopped. A few of the creatures were watching me from afar, but none seemed larger than the others. I considered changing tactics but decided to see my little plan clean through to the end.

To said end, I banged Pig Sticka against my chest and yelled a battle cry. As I did so, I slowly turned in a circle, making sure to stare each of the bug bears in the eye in the process. Only after I did a full circle did a larger, more important-looking creature appear from further up the mountain.

Having no doubt heard echoes of my challenge, I watched as an unusually large, six-armed bug bear flew down toward me. Though bigger than his fellows, he didn't look much different, having the same coloration, and overall appearance. The only other thing that was different were the extra pair of wings he had on his back and the small crown that rested on his brow. This outcropping of chitin looked natural, likely grown from the creature upon completing some kind of molt.

I tossed aside these considerations for the moment, choosing to satisfy my curiosity later after I had killed him. Before I could murder him, I needed to finish taunting him, and so I chucked the decapitated head of his subordinate toward him. I then stood there, watching as the creature seemed to contemplate his next action with a carefulness that betrayed a bit more intelligence.

He then flew over, grabbed the head, and after a moment to stare into its now lifeless eyes, ate it. With a few hard crunches, it destroyed the skull and made short work of the meat, swallowing it with a satisfied gulp. With its meal done, it looked back to me and unleashed a roar that shook the very walls of the valley.

It did not move me, however, and once it was done, I inhaled deep and bellowed the biggest ‘waugh!’ I could muster. Stones came loose and rattled down the cliffs, rocks shook, and nearby trees lost their leaves. Not only did I shake the ground, but I shook the morale of the other bug bears, who looked expectantly at their leader.

The larger critter let me spend the rest of my breath before motioning towards the closest bug bear. That seemed to be the start of some unseen signal, as they all fell back to a respectable distance. The leader then landed, and stood on his back legs, six arms spread wide in the sign of a challenge.

I mimicked it, spreading my arms, and waited, watching my foe closely.

The bear went into a sort of combat stance, hovering just above the ground with all six arms tensed. I hefted Pig Sticka up into a block, readying myself for what I assumed was going to be a lightning-fast attack. With that, the duel had officially begun, and I knew that win or lose, I’d have a good fight, one that would likely even trigger my next evolution.

"Come on den, if yer fink yer're ‘ard enough!" I shouted.