Well, That Stinks.

by Nugget27

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Main 6, Princess Luna, Changelings, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance
Length: 67435

a changeling abandons the Hive shortly before the invasion. He ends up getting cuddly with two pony princesses.

Stink Beatle, or drone 007, was a changeling of the Badlands Hive! Well, was, you see, his Queen is an idiot and a bit of a psycho. So instead of partaking in a stupid idea, like invading the capital of the strongest nation that Equus has ever seen, he left the Hive to live amongst ponies in peace… Yeah no, that didn’t happen either. He somehow winds up in Canterlot shortly after the invasion… In the castle, under a Princess’s wing.

Doesn’t this just put a hole in your leg?

Published 2023-08-28 06:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-04-25 08:38:02 UTC

I Think I Died

I stepped out of my little hole in the ground, having just fled from the Hive shortly after Queen Chrysalis, in all her glory, decided to go through with her plan of invading Canterlot. Now, what I am doing could be seen as treason, to go against the will of the Queen, and by extension, the Hive. I don’t give two horseshoes about that; what the Queen is planning could start a bucking war! And with how powerful Equestria is as a nation, there won’t be a Hive by the time Celestia is through with us! That mare is horrifying, capable of raising the sun, and at her command, can decide if another nation, such as the Hive, should be wiped off the face of the earth. And she has the power to do it herself if need be.

Queen Chrysalis is strong, but Celestia, by comparison, is way stronger. It would be like a hatchling fighting a fully grown Ursa Major. The Queen would probably get hit by a big fly swatter and sent back to the Hive in a body bag when the invasion was over.

So I wanted nothing to do with the Hive for the time being. Now, I am starving, but that’s nothing new. Our Hive is always short on food. I also never really left the Hive, but I have heard stories from the infiltrators. Ponies, as long as they don’t find out what you are, are pretty friendly. But if they find out who you are… Well, we’ve lost some good drones in the past, due to ponies. Before me stood a town, a pony town. Yes! After months! Months of traveling with no end in sight, there it stands! A pony settlement. I quickly donned a disguise, just some light-brown stallion with a dark brown mane. Nothing that’ll make me stand out.

I smiled slightly, ready to begin my new life. I may end up living in this little hole in the ground for a while, but this is definitely gonna lead to a brighter future!

So, it’s been about a week since I have entered this pony settlement. I still live in that hole in the ground I have found, just outside of town. Town… what an odd word. In the Hive, we just had ‘clusters’. There were villages, townships, towns, and then cities. In that order, it went from smallest to biggest, and was based on population. Clusters, no matter how large… were clusters, so ponies seem to be a bit dumb for calling groups of homes different based on how many ponies are in a settlement, but that’s just me. Speaking of towns, the one I came across happened to be named Ponyville.

Why ponies would choose such a stupid name is beyond me, as names such as ‘kzzt tzzz’ and ‘zitzit ziz’ are far better names for clusters.

Anyways, I found myself a job, which wasn’t too hard. I just gave food out to ponies at a cafe. Eventually, some day, I will be able to buy a house. Why? I don’t know, but it would help me fit in. Ponies sleep on something called a ‘bed’ for some reason, under a blanket. Now, the Queen also gets to have a bed, but I didn’t see the appeal. Sleeping on the cold, hard ground with nothing covering you except another changeling that managed to break into your den, that is how everyling, and everypony should sleep… Everypony. That’s a dumb word, but again, ponies are dumb, and I have to learn to accept their dumb ways; I want to fit in with them and peacefully live amongst them.

Now if only I didn’t have to live in disguise. I don’t think anypony would want to see me for me.

I also have a pile of gold coins. Despite me saying ‘no’, I got paid anyway. Bits were a dumb concept, but whatever. I even told my boss that seeing a customer smile was enough, because I got to nibble at a pony’s happiness, or their anger, whenever I served a cup of coffee, or a muffin, whatever. It doesn’t matter; it all tastes bad no matter what it is. Especially these… apples. Those things were grown in a nearby farm, were red, sometimes yellow or green, and tasted like if another changeling decided to throw some heavily digested, liquid love into your mouth after it’s been in their stomach for three days.

That being said, I kinda liked apples anyways. I just couldn’t eat a lot of anything, because that would probably poison me. After I ate one, I started feeling less empty, so that’s probably not good. Feeling empty is good; it means your stomach is full of emotions!

That’s what Queen Chrysalis said, but then again, she tends to hog any love she gets for herself instead of sharing it.

And also, I think her invasion of Canterlot was supposed to happen today. That was still a dumb decision. But the Queen knows best, and she also knows the best way to get our whole Hive killed.

So, about a week after the week I came into Ponyville, I entered town after a nice day of poking a rock for a couple hours, to go to work. I had my usual pony disguise, wearing the hat that was a part of my uniform, before stopping just at the entrance. The entire place was filled with ponies wearing yellow armor, walking around, looking scary, and talking to random civilians. One even asked a derpy-looking-pegasus if she was a changeling for some reason, and then hit her with a spell. After the spell did nothing, the pegasus walked off… and into a streetlamp, which knocked that over and started a fire.

And also set the Town Hall, where this town’s leader lives, on fire… That happens way too often. Put your pegasus on a leash, you idiots!

Suddenly I was nose to nose with something pink, and staring into a pair of blue eyes. “I knew a new pony would show up when I’m out of town!”

“What the buck!” I jumped, and fell to the ground. “Who the heck are you?” Standing before me was a pony that was disgustingly pink. Like she was overly pink, I bet her name was-

“I’m Pinkie Pie, but you can call me Pinkie! I bet you’ve heard of me by now! Oh I am so ready to throw you the best ‘welcome to Ponyville Party…’ What’s your name? I bet your name is Dark Knight or something cool!”

“...It’s Stink Beatle,” yes, that’s the name I came up with for my disguise. Look, I don’t know what the heck I was doing, my job application needed a name, so I used my actual name, and added some stupid word to the front of it in order to make it seem more ‘pony like’! Don’t judge me, Mom! You wouldn’t even care if you knew where I was… Queen Chrysalis is a terrible mother. “So why do you want to throw me a party?” I don’t know why, I don’t know what, but I want to get away from this pony. She was so damn happy that it was giving me a stomach ache, and if I’m not careful, hiccups! Why the buck was she so god damn… Oh, I taste a bit of depression in that giant ball of happy fluff. I think I know what’s happening in that head of hers, but whatever.

Anyways, after Pinkie spent a good seven minutes of talking about basically nothing, without breathing, “Something about you seems off by the way… I know! It’s because you don’t have friends! I know, I’ll introduce you to some of mine! Starting with Twilight Sparkle!” Wait, what? What the buck? No! I have a job! I want to do my job! No, go away… Legs, I hate you, why are you going with the Pink Spawn of Tirek, and not towards the cafe? I hate you, I am going to cut you off when I… Buck, I need these legs.

You are lucky, back lefty, you live another day.

I suddenly don’t like Twilight Sparkle. You see, after we entered a library that had been closed for the last week, I wondered why ponies would want to have a library. You see, books were outlawed in the Hive, probably because they were all dumb. Then again, music, happiness, and recreation were also outlawed; you had a job, and if you didn’t do that job, you were put to death. The crowd over the singularity or whatever. It’s… why I would rather be at my job than here. And also because Twilight Sparkle was terrifying.

I just wanted to serve ponies some overpriced coffee.

Ever since we entered, Twilight was giving me the stink eye. Like she was beginning to make my carapace chip with how sharp her stare was. “And that’s how I met Stink Beatle!”

“Pinkie, did you stop to make sure that whoever you were talking to wasn’t a changeling?”

“No! He can’t be a changeling, changelings are bad, and Stinky hasn’t done anything bad at all! Though, he did wander in from town after crawling out of a hole somewhere out of Ponyville; I’ve been following him since he left that hole. He looked so lonely, so I wanted to be his friend!” What the-this pony is mental-buck? How did she know where my den was? I… did she hear me sing to a rock because of how lonely it is out there? I slowly turned to Pinkie. “So, you aren’t a changeling, right Stinky?” I hate that name so much. “You’re a pony, right?”

“Can I just leave? I don’t like how-” a blast of purple hit me, and I was sent flying into a nearby bookcase. Lucky me, most of my carapace took the blow, so it only mildly hurt. I rubbed the back of my head. “Sweet Chrysalis, you could’ve killed me! What were you thinking you hay for brain…” I looked at my hoof, my undisguised hoof. I quickly turned it into a mirror, and… Buck. “Uh…” My hosts were not super happy looking. Well, Twilight looked outright hateful, but Pinkie was actually shaking while smiling. “Huh, I didn’t know I was a changeling-”

“Oh yippee! I can throw the first ‘welcome to Ponyville, Stinky the Changeling’ party ever!”

“Pinkie! That’s a changeling. What did we say about changelings?” I suddenly felt myself unable to move my limbs, and also suspended in magic. Twilight’s magic is bucking strong! I can’t replicate magic like this, but I can feel… I could be crushed in a heartbeat should Twilight feel inclined to do something.

“That changelings are bad. And Twilight, this one can’t be that bad, he hasn’t even done anything yet! If he did, my Pinkie Sense would’ve caught it!” Pinkie jumped. “And he didn’t even try to foalnap me and take my place! Though, I wonder what happened to the real Stinky.”

“I just wanted to go to work,” I sighed. “Can’t a ‘ling try and make his way in the world?” Twilight raised an eyebrow. However, whatever else I was thinking was silenced when my rear crashed into the floor, and I was suddenly tied up.

“Tell me, ‘Stinky’, if that’s your real name where is your Queen, and why did she invade Canterlot?’” Twilight demanded.

So, I could tell the truth, and probably get off scot free, but lying is the changeling way! On the other hoof, self preservation, on the other, keeping the Hive- “I don’t bucking know why the Queen thought invading your stupid, bucking city was a good idea! She just decided to do it, so I left the Hive shortly after she announced her plans! I just wanted to go out, explore, and live life! I only came to Ponyville about a week ago, and have been here for two weeks! I don’t know where Queen Chrysalis is, and I just want to go crawl in my den and suck on my rock… You’re really scary.”

“Quit bucking lying to me, and tell me where your Queen is, or I will go get some guards and have them drag you to Canterlot for trial!” Oh. Well, so much for telling the truth. It’s a good thing that Changelings can’t produce waste such as feces. Otherwise, the floor below me would be covered in it. I started shivering in fear as Twilight continued to leer at me, and try to make me answer questions about changelings, how their bodies worked, literally anything she could think of. I couldn’t bring myself to answer anything; I felt like I’d die if this mare thought I was lying, and she already thought I was going to keep lying to her.

“Buck it! I’m going to get a guard, Pinkie, you’re coming with me. Spike!” A baby dragon poked his head out of a side door. “Make sure this changeling doesn’t escape. He shouldn’t be able to move; he’s tied up!” The dragon nodded, before sticking his head back into the door where it was. Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle walked out the door, and I felt the magic that was holding me still fade away. After a few hours of me just sitting on my butt, waiting for death, I figured it would be best for me to try and flee. Maybe Manehattan will have some more… accepting ponies.

Maybe Canterlot, that costs the least amount of bits to get to. Yeah, Canterlot, nopony will suspect a changeling living in Canterlot! I somehow got out of the library with no problems at all, resuming my usual disguise, but it was blue instead of yellow, and had wings. I flew over to my hole in the ground, and took a sizable chunk of coins from my pile, and started heading to the train station.

I sighed in relief when the train started moving.

When I got off the train, the first thing I noted was… Canterlot was practically in ruins. Sure, most buildings and what not were standing, such as the castle, even if there were a few holes in the windows, but quite a few shops, homes, just anything that was a building was damaged. Glass shards were everywhere, making walking around pretty rough on my hooves. I could only imagine how rough it was for a foal’s hooves, or for anyone’s hooves for that matter. I could see the reason why, nearly every window on every building on the road I was walking down was shattered, cracked, or just not fully intact. Stray bricks and pebbles were strewn about, roof tiles were also scattered throughout the city.

My ears flattened. This is what Queen Chrysalis wanted? We could’ve asked for love if we really needed that!! We changelings don’t like it when our Hive gets even remotely damaged! I can’t imagine how these ponies are feeling, to have to stare at their city that was put in ruins. I… I want to help these ponies; they didn’t do anything wrong, my Queen was just a bucking donkey! I ducked through the guard system, where they were trying to find if any newcomers were actually changelings. Good news, all the commotion from the guards actually finding a changeling distracted them from me. Bad news, they beat that drone into submission, and the guards then shipped it off into what was probably the dungeons.

That sent a shiver down my spine. I had to make sure I didn’t get discovered.

One of the first things I noted… The ponies around me were happy, despite how their homes were basically destroyed, they were happily chatting with each other as they moved debris and rebuilt each home one by one. Sure, it would take a while, but these ponies had the resolve to… get through anything as it would seem. I couldn’t help but admire how… Happy everypony seems despite the strife they probably went through during the changeling invasion… What happened to my Hive? If ponies were still out and about, then that meant that the invasion had failed.

I figured it would be best to not think about that, as that would probably lead to very depressing thoughts. Even if I don’t think the Queen is the best leader, she is still my mother, after all.

The sun was setting, and I had found myself a nice little bench to huddle under. Apparently there were things called hotels, but I had spent most of my bits on just getting to Canterlot. I also couldn’t find anywhere to dig a den, so here I was. The day guards around the city were swapped out for night guards, the difference? The bat wings, dark-blue armor with the moon emblemized on them, which only seemed dumb to me. Why would Princess Celestia need to switch out guards if she’s the only Princess in Equestria besides Princess Mi Amore Cadenza?

Well, I’m not a Princess, as I am a male, so I don’t particularly care. It’s just kinda dumb, and fun to point out.

“You should be inside,” I looked up from my hooves, to see a dark blue alicorn. Her mane was flowing, and it was almost like it held the night sky within it. She was wearing a black crown and necklace, bearing the same symbol that the night guards wore. For an alicorn, this one was pretty short, and also pretty… Wait what? Where’d that come from? “There is a curfew for most ponies,” I nodded dumbly as I drank in the Princess’s face. Her cyan eyes sparkled just like her mane… Wow, I never thought I would fall in love with a pony, but this one seemed beautiful and… What is wrong with me? “Well? Are you going to get moving?”

“Uh…” I took a deep breath. “I have nowhere to stay. I don’t have the bits… and I am from out of town. I used up the last of my money on food after I entered Canterlot.” The alicorn looked at me, her eyes moved up and down my disguise’s body, before shrugging. I could taste a tiny bit of lust in that void of emotions!

“I suppose I can fix that issue. Would you be opposed to staying within the castle?” Princess Luna gave me a sweet little smile that slowly drifted into one that looked a lot scarier and less sweet. Her emotions were now on full display. I didn’t like the taste of anger there. “Perhaps in the dungeons? After all, I doubt that anypony would be out and about at this hour, especially with a city-wide, eight at night curfew. Nor would anypony travel to Canterlot with such little bits, like you did.” I blinked a couple of times, before crouching slightly. “Perhaps you wouldn’t mind being scanned?”

I blinked a couple more times while lowering myself closer to the ground. So I’m not getting away, no matter how hard I try. For one, alicorn, two, I will get hunted down, three, alicorns have magic, changelings are very susceptible to magic. “I uh…” I sighed, there really was no way out of my new predicament. I just wanted to serve coffee for useless gold coins I don’t want or need! “I’m a changeling, okay?” I dropped my disguise, before dropping to the ground. “Please don’t hurt me! I woke up today hoping I could do my job in a cafe!” I couldn’t help but shake in fear as Princess Luna glared into my soul. “Your highness?” I shivered.

“Why should I believe you? Your Queen had injured my sister; she’s still recovering. Your kind had played a hoof in this huge mess! You…” My ears were ringing. “I remember your kind, changeling, nothing but a bunch of parasites, that stop at nothing to suck the emotions out of any being actually capable of emotion!”

“I-I…” I rested my head on the ground. “I guess I’ll die, then. It’s been a good run,” I closed my eyes. “Maybe I’ll find somewhere I’m accepted in another life.” Yeah no, there’s no afterlife as far as I know. Sure, I’ve heard of the idea from customers in the cafe, and I like the idea. I just doubt there’s such a thing for me. Who knows, maybe I can be a pony when I open my eyes again? Wow, death sure is painless, because I haven’t felt anything sharp pierce my heart, or anything like that.

“You…” Huh, I guess there is an afterlife, it sounds like Princess Luna, but less ready to murder me. Maybe I’m going to Tartarus. “What did you just say?” I opened my eyes.

“I’m dead, aren’t I?” I asked. “Well, at least I get to stare at the very mare that killed me for an eternity. She was definitely scary, but also really pretty, so that’s not too bad.”

“You… aren’t dead. What did you say about being accepted?”

“Oh that? Oh yeah, I left my Hive behind, so I have no home. Going back home might leave me with an empty Hive, or an angry Queen that’ll cut my head off for ‘disobeying the will of the Hive’. I tried getting settled into a town called Ponyville and got caught while trying to work at a cafe. Then I ended up in Canterlot and got murdered by a really pretty pony. I gotta say, life sure is a roller coaster of emotions, but I suppose you don’t live through life without getting stabbed at least a couple of times.” I really don’t know why it’s taking so long for me to go to Tartarus. If there is some higher power, please stop toying with me.

Didn’t I just say there was no afterlife? Well, when you’re dead, you’ll believe anything, I guess. “I…” The angel’s face softened. “You aren’t dead, I’m being serious. Come now, put your disguise back on, I will show you to my sister, and then we will decide what to do with you.” Oh, I’m not dead. Darn. I guess this won’t be a one shot. “You consider me pretty?”

“Uh… Will you kill me if I say yes?”

“....Why would I do that?” Princess Luna sighed. “Look, I would like to apologize for what I said, you have said something that, as ponies are saying nowadays, ‘hits close to home’. I will take you to my sister and we will decide what to do with you,” Wait. Wait. What the buck? I go from going to a cafe to literally seeing the Princess in a day… The same Princess that the Queen had apparently injured.

Well, I guess I’m going to die anyway.

Author's Note

I like to think that the Royal Wedding properly happened a couple weeks after the invasion. That way efforts could be driven towards fixing up Canterlot, and so that Celestia can recover from getting her butt kicked.

Anyways, this is mostly PG, but I did put a profanity warning on here for words like ‘buck’ with a f. If those slip past my proof reading.

It’s also about time that I just wrote something that is pure wholesomeness and fluff.

I Apparently Have Problems

So, I really don’t know why I followed Princess Luna, she was pretty, and I guess that was enough to allow her to lead me into a death trap. Dying to an angry, injured, sun wielding alicorn didn’t seem so bad either; what’s the worst that can happen? I die?

After we had landed in front of the castle, I could tell how grand and big it was. The only building in the Hive was the Queen’s palace, and even that pales in comparison to Canterlot Castle. The castle in question is just big, there were a few shattered windows, probably because of the invasion, but it was just absolutely massive. It made me feel tiny in comparison, and there was an alicorn right next to me that stood half a meter over me at her full height. Oh, and she was leading me right to her sister, who happened to be bucking Princess Celestia!

Well, as I said, I am going to die anyway. I was given a free pass by the guards at the gates because I was a Princess’s guest… I could hear them whispering about how Luna is going to tie me up in bondage for some reason. And there was a mention of Nightmare Moon in their foalish whispers for some reason as well. After Luna had set me in a sitting room, she got out of her chair. “I shall retrieve something for us both to snack on, and I will also get my sister. Don’t go anywhere, don’t drop your disguise, and don’t go anywhere and drop your disguise. Changelings… are not exactly popular right now.” Jeez, thanks for telling me, Mare, I couldn’t tell by how you called me a parasite and almost executed me on the streets of Canterlot.

Meh, I’m over that, because I just wanted to bucking sleep. I’ve been up since yesterday, working overtime at three in the morning.

Also, Luna said I couldn’t go anywhere, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t go and explore the room I was in. You see, I hadn’t sat down on either of the couches in the sitting room, but rather on what was apparently called a coffee table. As for why ponies needed a table specifically for coffee is beyond me. Does that mean that every table in the cafe was a coffee table? There was no coffee on the coffee table, so is it just a table? There is a stupid bughorse on the table, so is it a bughorse table? My questions were shut down when I noted a tree in the corner of the room. For some reason, ponies decided to be cruel and keep a tree out of its natural habitat.

I hopped down from my changeling table and trotted over to the indoor tree. The thing the tree was in was taller than I was, so I had to get on my hindlegs and peeked over the top. Oh… that was clever. Ponies stick dirt in a thing, and then they leave enough room to fit the roots of a tree in that thing. Just add some water and some light(the sitting room had a window that wasn’t shattered), and you have yourself a pet tree! This was cruel and unfair to the tree, but that’s the tree’s problem. I hopped up and circled the tree, before setting down in the thing. The tree was nice and thin enough for me to comfortably lay in the dirt with it. This was way nicer than those beds ponies rave on about.

I sorta… forgot what I was doing, and dropped my disguise so I could feel the smooth dirt against my carapace. I rested my head on the ledge of the thing, and simply closed my eyes and sighed.

“So who is it that you wanted me to meet? Surely it must be important if you finally let me get out of bed to meet them.” My eyes snapped open. Sure enough, Princess Luna walked in, followed by a very tall, white alicorn with a rainbow colored, flowing mane and tail. Her cutie mark was the mother bucking Sun!, she wore a gold necklace and a gold tiara rested lightly upon her brow. Hopefully… She didn't notice the changeling that was cuddling with a tree in the corner of the room. “I get mildly injured during the Royal Wedding, and then you have me postpone it because ‘I got hurt too badly’ even though I am perfectly fine.” She paused. “Luna,” she was staring right at me.. “Did you decapitate a changeling and stick its head in with the bonsai tree?”

“...Stink Beatle, I told you not to drop your disguise for any reason.” Luna sighed. “Well Celly, this is Stink Beatle… a changeling. I was going to have the three of us chat, and then have himself reveal what he truly is to you. Instead, he took refuge with our favorite bonsai tree and undisguised before I could even find us something to eat… Stink, why, why are you in a pot?”

“I was wondering what this was. We changelings usually aren’t allowed to have potted plants. They’re too colorful according to the Queen, and they distract us from the Hive’s goals, because they took time to take care of. That time should go towards the Hive, not whatever…” Wait, why am I explaining shit when I’m about to die? I looked at Princess Celestia. “So… am I going to get blasted with the sun?” I stood up, shook any dirt I had off my carapace, before hopping down onto ground level. “I already thought I did die, but Princess Luna said I wasn’t dead.” I probably am dead and some higher power just really hates changelings… Just like everyone else.

“...Luna, why did you think bringing a changeling into the castle was a good idea? This one could possibly be trying to get information on us. I doubt that Chrysalis would be so easily defeated after being launched across Equestria.”

“If it makes you feel better, your highness, I did banish myself from the Hive by leaving it before the wedding. The Queen wanted to hurt everypony and possibly get everybuggy killed while doing so. I left and started living in a little town called Ponyville until yesterday. I was a waiter at a little cafe, serving coffee and eating the happiness and excitement ponies felt when getting donuts, or a cup of coffee that they said they paid too much for. I even tried to befriend a couple of my coworkers and was planning on unveiling myself to them after a while. Buck, I even saw this wall-eyed pegasus that I was going to study to see if I could court them. I’ve no desire to hurt anypony, anything, or do anything that can cause harm to anypony. I can idly eat any emotions that are in the air, without harming anypony, and I usually prefer doing that.” I hummed. “Buck the Queen; that crazy whorse threatened to cut my head off should I ever return to the Hive.” Both Princess’s jaws dropped.

“Anyways! I have a few family issues, but we aren’t here to discuss that, are we?” I tilted my head. I don’t think I’m getting anywhere if the Princesses slowly stopped paying attention to me, and started staring each other in the eye.

“Well then…” Princess Celestia sighed. “My lie detection spell didn’t catch you lying at all, so I shall believe you for now… Why are you in Canterlot if you were trying to live in Ponyville?”

“Some crazy, psychotic, purple unicorn found out I was a changeling and tried to get me shipped off to the dungeons. Her pink earth pony friend tried to throw me a party, dunno what that is. I never missed a day of work until I got dragged into their library…” I sighed. “And I don’t think I can safely move back into Ponyville, like I was living there to begin with. I had a little hole I dug out for myself just outside of town,” I laid down under the couch, where it was nice and dark. “Your sister is really pretty, by the way. When I thought I died, I thought she was one of those angels you ponies talk about, but if I’m not dead. Just forget about me and I’ll go hop on a train and live in the woods somewhere. That could be fun… Until I starve to death, but dying doesn’t sound so bad.” Me Making my lack of care about my survival definitely wasn’t winning any favors.

Both Princesses looked each other in the eyes for a moment. “Did this unicorn happen to be named Twilight Sparkle?” I nodded. “On my behalf-“ A yellow spark of magic made me recede deeper under the couch. “And my student just notified me that a changeling might’ve run to Canterlot after being discovered in Ponyville… What a coincidence.” She sighed. “Look, Mr. Stink, if you would like, you may live in the castle. If you are telling the truth, it won’t take long for everypony to accept you… Where the buck are you?” I flinched at that language. I didn’t know Princess Celestia liked to push the PG rating of literature.

What’s PG again? Pegasus Guys? Pegasi Gay? If I were a pegasus, I’d be pretty gay… As in I’d be happy.

I stuck my snout out, knowing that my eyes glowed in the dark. “That… is oddly adorable; you sticking your nose out like that,” Celestia nodded. “You’re going to have to learn some pony manners though. It is quite odd to speak to somepony that hides under furniture.” I sighed and crawled out. Upon sitting my butt on the chair, I immediately cringed. “Is it not comfortable, Stink?”

“My name is Beatle, your highness… Also I don’t like how soft the cushion is. My flanks are being eaten by the couch!” Started panicking a little bit when I started sinking into it.

“Sister, he plopped his rear right in between two cushions,” Princess Luna simply shook her head. “Who knew changelings would be oddly adorable?” Both Princesses giggled at my expense. That is very rude, your Highnesses.

“Hey now, my mother told me I was an abomination!” I protested as my rear kept sinking into the couch. The couch had claimed my thighs. Faust help me… Who is Faust again?

“Your… mother called you what?” Luna slowly asked.

“Queen Chrysalis is everyling’s mom. She calls us ugly, abominations, monsters, anything really. It was really nice. She called me ‘a idiot’ whenever I came to give my reports on what was happening in my Cluster. It’s really cool.” I said with a smile. “Being cute is a bad thing… I think. Positivity in the Hive isn’t allowed.” For some reason, that made Princess Celestia levitate me over and hugged me.

I felt a few tears roll down my cheeks. This felt nice.

So after learning about how terrible living in the Hive actually was, I was quickly shown a room to finally get some sleep. Of course, because the mattress on a bed is popular amongst ponies, I slid underneath the bed and went to sleep. Or I tried to, but both Princesses followed me inside to make sure I was comfortable. “You shouldn’t sleep under the bed; it is far more comfortable to sleep on top of it, rather than under it,” Celestia said, like how you would scold a nymph for hitting another nymph too hard. “Why don’t you try it?”

I stuck my head out from under the bed. “This reminds me of a den. It may seem uncomfortable, but closed in, cramped places like this are way more comfortable for me.” To prove my point, I pulled my head back underneath and went to sleep. No matter how hard anypony tried to bother me about comfort, I just wanted to sleep. When I woke up the next day, I stuck my head out from under the bed, and blinked a couple of times. My vision was doing that stupid thing where it blurry whenever light changes. It’s especially awful since changelings are used to living underground, so it sucked.

And it didn’t help that I heard a mare shriek. “C-Changeling!” My vision cleared up, and there, before me, was a maid. She was straightening out my bed sheets. Why? They were perfectly fine because I literally didn’t touch them. Must have to do with how this mare worked in the castle and believed everything needed to be perfect. Like how she perfectly violated my ears when she started screaming as loud as she could, as high as her voice can go while backing away from me. I crawled fully out from under my bed and sat down. “G-guards? Anypony? Help me!” I literally didn’t move towards the maid at all.

“Hey,” my ears flattened against my head. “Can you quiet it down? I just woke up, and you are very loud,” I flinched when her screaming got louder. She had a red, curly mane and tail, and a really nice, white coat to go along with it. On top of her head was a weird hat that I assumed was a part of the uniform. “Besides, you, being a unicorn, can probably knock me the buck out with a telekinetic spell. Our carapaces are tough, making us almost as tough as an earth pony, but we literally can’t use magic in any defensive capacity.” I gave a toothy smile. Whoever designed these maid outfits must’ve been a pervert, because they made it so the dress leaves just enough of a pony’s flanks open to the world to see. I didn’t care though, I just didn’t want to seem threatening. “I’ve been eating plenty recently, and your Princesses haven’t murdered me yet for being a changeling, so you don’t have to worry about me. Just don’t hurt me, and I won’t hurt you.”

“W-why would the Princesses approve of something dangerous? Of a monster like you?!” The maid asked. That’s a nice compliment, thank you… Random maid.

“Look,” changeling fire swallowed me, making the mare shriek, only to ‘aw’ when I turned into a pony sized plush of myself. That was a mistake, because now I literally can’t speak. I was lifted up in magic and suddenly being hugged by the maid. I couldn’t protest, and being hugged was nice, so I didn’t want to protest. The mare was soft and squishy, so her hugging my now plushie self was fine. I could tell mare liked hugging a giant plushie, I could almost nibble at the love she gave off at the sight of a plush changeling. I didn’t nibble though, as a sign of good faith.

“Now I want a changeling plushie!” The mare squealed. “You are so bucking cute like that!” The maid suddenly remembered she was hugging a living, breathing being, and let me go. “S-sorry… about that, changeling.” I turned back to my normal, more scary form. I was shaking a little; I could barely breathe as a plushie. “And sorry about insulting you and calling you a monster. I suppose if Celestia herself is letting you stay in the castle, she at least trusts you not to hurt anypony. And me not being shoved into a cocoon as soon as you woke up is proof of that. Why were you sleeping under the bed?”

“It feels like a den,” I shrugged. “What’s your name, by the way? I’ve been mentally referring to you as ‘mare’ and ‘maid’. In exchange you can have my name; it would be rude to just call me ‘changeling’, wouldn’t it?”

“My name is Harmonic Breeze, nice to meet you…”

“My name is Stinky,” the mare brought a hoof up to her mouth and snorted. She looked on the brink of laughing. “Nah, my actual name is Beatle, but Stinky is a funnier name to introduce myself as. It was my disguise’s go to name, Stink Beatle, or Stinky for short.” I offered my hoof. This was a friendly thing ponies did. “Nice to meet you, Harmonic Breeze.” The maid took my hoof and wholeheartedly shook it. The door clicked open and Princess Celestia poked her head in the door. Harmonic immediately bowed, I just sat there like an idiot, until I remembered that the Princess could take my head off in a heartbeat, so I bowed too.

“Mr. Beatle, are you awake?” The Princess’s face immediately turned into a grin. “Are you hitting on the maid?” I could taste the playfulness radiating off of Celestia at that moment. It made me relax a little… Remember Stinky, Celestia, bringer of day, is somehow much nicer than your actual mother is. “Or perhaps is it the other way around?” Harmonic Breeze took that exact moment to shoot up, she looked me over for a moment, before staring in awe at her Princess.

“Well, she does have some nice flanks,” I said, a small smile formed on my face as my new friend’s face got red, which I didn’t need as a sign that she was embarrassed. She immediately swatted me with her tail, before her own face got more mischievous than Celestia was feeling.

“You do have something nice… Muscles. Those have to be the most chiseled muscles I have seen on anything.”

“Weird, Mom always said I was a scrawny little shi-” everypony in the room gasped. “What? My mother was the Queen of the Changelings and she loved all six thousand of her children equally. She was just really bad at actually showing love or compassion to all six thousand children!”

I sat down at a very long pony food and tea table. Again, why do ponies need tables specifically for coffee? Stupid, stupid, nonsensical ponies. For the love of Chrysalis, just make a table! Anyways, Princess Luna and Princess Celestia were seated at two opposite ends of the table from each other. The solar diarch daintily ate her breakfast, which consisted of eggs, some pancakes with a fruity smiley face on it, and half of a cake. Princess Luna…

Princess Luna might be part wolf. The Princess literally swallowed a stack of pancakes that was almost as tall as my neck was long. How she managed to fit that down her mouth without chewing, another dumb thing ponies need to do with their food, is beyond me. I’m also glad that ponies usually don’t eat meat unless they’re psychotic, or else I would’ve been on the menu last night.

Sitting before me was a cereal box and milk. I had forgone the milk and was just eating the cereal… and the plastic bag holding the cereal. I technically didn’t need to eat, but chewing on stuff was fun. So I ate cereal anyways. I couldn’t eat too much, because it made my stomach feel less empty, which wasn’t good. Weird, when I had my fill of emotions, my stomach still felt empty. But I could use magic if I had love, but couldn’t use magic if I couldn’t get enough love to sustain myself.

Meh, Chrysalis said love is life for Changelings, and mama knows best! Even the bad mamas.

“So…” Princess Luna said, having drank some weird, brown liquid that heavily smelled like sugar. “What do we do about our niece and nephew?” Princess Celestia looked up from her meal. “They have yet to properly marry as we had to postpone their wedding by two weeks, so that most of our efforts can go to repairing Canterlot. I doubt that Cadance will take lightly to our new friend, sister.”

“Who is Cadance? That oddly sounds like Cadenza,” I asked.

“They’re… the same pony.”

“Oh. I should run; the Queen mentioned stealing her husband promptly after kidnapping and trapping that pony in a massive cavern under Canterlot in her plans. I don’t remember the full gist of what was supposed to happen to her and her future husband, but I also know it wasn’t very good.” Both Princesses raised their eyebrows at me. “Look, I knew the Queen was planning on invading Canterlot, that's why I left, but I didn’t think she’d be dumb enough to actually invade!”

I heard the door open, followed by a calm ‘click’ of the door shutting behind whoever just walked in. Low and behold, there… Was a third alicorn. A pink one, almost a spitting image of Princess Luna, minus the flowing mane and size difference. Oh, and the fact that Luna wasn’t exactly pink, but I could be colorblind. “Good morning aunties…” Beside her was a white, tall hunk of a stallion. I think I might’ve transformed into a female drone and tried to ‘hook up’ with him if I swung that way. He was huge, had a pristine, white coat, and a purple mane and tail.

The alicorn seemed to be doing most of the talking. “Auntie Celestia, why is there a changeling eating a bag of plastic filled with Honey Nut Cheerioats?” She looked about ready to start pounding my face in with a chair, “Actually, why is there a changeling in the castle at all? Shouldn’t it be in the dungeons?”

“Plastic tastes good,” I said. It probably wasn’t good for me, though. “Anyway, thank you Princess Luna for allowing me to stay the night, but that window over there seems to be calling my name.” I tried to get out of my seat, only to be forced down, chin first, into the table by magic. My vision blanked for a moment, and the next, I had that angry unicorn stallion staring into my soul, threatening to rip it out of my body. I could tell he was tired, an after effect of being fed upon by a changeling for too long, but still angry.

“I’ll take care of this little bug.”

“Captain Armor, put my changeling down,” Luna said. “He is to remain unharmed while living in the castle. He is here, being peaceful, with zero intentions of harming anypony. I know he hasn’t participated in the invasion, so he is currently innocent of any crimes the rest of his Hive are.” What was that about ‘my changeling’? My head hurts, I don’t think having my chin forcefully shove down into a table is a good thing for my brain’s health. Or my general health.

“B-b- What? Is this changeling mind controlling you?” The unicorn snarled.

I raised my left hoof, using the right one to rub my aching head. “Only the Queen is capable of mind control. All but the most basic forms of magic are illegal in the Hive. Mind Control isn’t exactly basic magic, sir…” I really need to go in another direction, away from this stallion. “I can barely use telekinesis, basic telekinetic strikes, and the ability to transform, which is more of an instinct thing.” I slowly turned to Celestia. “Can I choose what river my body gets dumped in after Captain Armor skins me?”

“…What?” Everypony in the room asked.

“The Queen says burying changelings takes up space, which is probably just her way of saying ‘I don’t give a buck about you idiots, so some other lie to make it seems like she doesn’t love us’, so whenever somebuggy dies, they get thrown in a river… sometimes. Sometimes our corpses are just launched out of a cannon that the Queen had stolen from the griffins on one of her many escapades.” My wings buzzed a little. “So about my choice in which river my body gets dumped into.”

“…Your Queen is a terrible pony. Now I just feel bad about launching all of you changelings across Equestria with love,” the pink alicorn sighed. “I almost found some logic in what that monster did to me, which was to serve her subjects, but she can’t even be bothered to give you proper funerals?” The Princess’s nose cringed up. “Now I just want to buck her in the head.” That’s a weird way of saying you love somebuggy. How can you not love the Queen?

“In all fairness, your highness, most of the changelings in the invasion, as in all of the changelings in the Hive, were probably just going to be used as meat shields if the invasion went south. We ‘lings die eventually, so we might as well be useful when we die... By keeping the Queen safe from harm. Our mother loves us dearly… I think. She usually looks at me with raw, unfiltered disgust because I didn’t like how mean she was to anything that wasn’t a drone, or anything sentient for that matter.” I moved on from the bag holding the Cheerioats to the box itself.

“What in the actual buck?” The unicorn looked conflicted between wanting to rub my back and comfort me, or slamming my face into a nearby wall until I couldn’t breathe anymore. “You talk about what could be considered domestic violence so casually… And your Queen, who is apparently also your mother, does this so often that you don’t even know it’s abuse?”

“Well, happiness is illegal in the Hive,” that was actually a law. A lot of the laws in place were meant to prevent happiness. Celestia’s horn lit and my mouth was clamped shut and my injuries stopped being hurting like Queen Chrysalis stomping a hoof through your skull after you failed your mission. Maybe I should’ve stopped talking earlier, I just made these new faces uncomfortable. And they were just feeling pity for some odd reason… wasn’t I an abomination?

Celestia just sat there, smiling, and she let go of my mouth. “I think you have several problems. You cried when I hugged you last night, so you very clearly aren’t used to affection, or kindness of any kind.”

I shrugged. “Well, the only time the Queen interacted with anyling one on one was while executing them.'' The white unicorn wrapped a foreleg around my neck. “Please don’t break my neck. Or do, doing that would probably solve a lot of those issues.”

“Perhaps… We should adopt you instead of hating you. I’m Shining Armor by the way.”

“Why are you trying to adopt me?” I asked.

Princess Cadenza spoke up. “You are really hard to hate; I just feel sorry for you now.” I soon found myself sitting, tucked under Princess Luna’s wing.

“Well, Mr. Stinky will not be adopted any time soon; he is mine. I found him, I should get to keep him.”

“You just want more friends,” Celestia said with a smug grin.

“I have plenty of friends… They just live in another town,” Princess Luna looked down at me with excitement only comparable to a newborn nymph. “Will you be my friend?” Those eyes… I couldn’t say no. Where the buck did I go wrong in life? At least I get to be friends with a really pretty, all powerful, all knowing alicorn that will keep other ponies from murdering me! I nuzzled into Luna’s side and kept eating my box… Then it was taken away from me. “Stop that! You already ate an entire bag of plastic without touching any of the cereal inside! That’s not healthy!”

“..Fine, I’ll go eat a rock,” before Luna could stop me, I walked over to a window and threw myself out of it to go find that rock.

Author's Note

holy frick this thing exploded. Anyways, this is the second chapter. thank y’all for reading.

I Almost Got Assaulted in Court

After breakfast, Princess Luna had gone to bed, as she’s nocturnal and her sleep schedule got bucked up in order to help me get settled in. Princess Celestia was able to clear her schedule so she could ‘steal her sister’s changeling’, and Cadance and her fiance were left with the two of us as well. I just sat at the now empty dinner table-how is it a dinner table if we were just eating breakfast?- waiting around. You see, I was asked what I wanted to spend the day doing, but then it turns out that uh… I have no idea what I want to do. I’m not exactly used to having free time, so I just started chewing on a rock at some point, and nopony stopped me.

Then a yellow hue took my rock away from me. “I thought you were told to not chew on that rock; it’s not good for your teeth,” Celestia hummed. “Why did you think that chewing on a rock was a good idea?”

“I dunno, everyling likes to chew on rocks in whatever free time that we get. Apparently it sharpens our fangs… I didn’t really care; I just liked the taste of sandstone.” Those, the rock chewing ones, changelings also were promptly put down a few weeks later; dental issues.

“We could help you with daycourt, Auntie, since that’s the only thing on your schedule you didn’t want to clear off,” Cadance nudged me, because she had opted to sit right next to me. “Perhaps with Stinky, we can get some input on a case we wouldn’t have thought of. Not only is he not a pony, but he has probably had to deal with taxes at some point.”

“...What are taxes?” I asked. “When I was living in Ponyville, nopony knew where I lived, so I never got cool things like taxes… Is it like the equivalent of a changeling finding love, but the Queen demands to take almost all of it for simply being the Queen?”

“...Yeah, something like that. Except we take a small portion of money from everypony for various reasons, and that money goes into roads, schools, anything that helps the country keep running,” Princess Celestia said with a nod. “Wait, isn’t love basically food for you changelings?” I nodded. “What in my name…” She shook her head. “Thank goodness you aren’t living in the Hive anymore; if I were to start taking everypony’s food one day, and make it a law that I get most of the food, then I would be facing several revolutions.”

“Well…” Cadance swatted the back of my head with a rolled up newspaper… Ow.

“Please don’t talk about your home life. It’s incredibly depressing,” fair enough. Though Cadance doesn’t exactly look like she’s being made smaller.

I was sitting right next to Celestia, under her wing, waiting for the first pony to complain about something. I was undisguised, sipping on the weird, brown stuff Luna was drinking earlier. It was very sweet, and almost like love. It also tasted bad, so there’s that. When the first partitioner came in, a yellow, pegasus mare, first they bowed to Princess Celestia and shot me the same glare the Queen would give me whenever I asked her a question about lunch. “Princess, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but between you and Princess Cadance, is a changeling, and that changeling is using you as a pillow.”

“Hey now, Princess Celestia is very warm, very comfortable. She’s also remarkably soft. I’m here because the Princesses found me in the castle, half dead, half not dead, with half of a spear stuck in my neck. They were nice enough to start nursing me back to health after I agreed to share every bit of information on my Queen, who decided it would be a good idea to try and blow up Canterlot. Then I get to live under the Princesses’ servitude until I die, for my crimes against Equestria, so that I don’t get sent to Tartarus. Right now, I’m on a lunch break, so I get to cuddle with your gracious ruler!” I nuzzled the Princess, which made her flinch slightly.

The mare blinked a couple of times. “…Slavery is a punishment in Equestria?” She asked. Princess Celestia slowly shook her head.

I got hit with another newspaper.

“Hey now, we’re here for your problems, not mine,” I said with a cheerful little smile. “So how can we help you? A tray of donuts? Some coffee?” I pulled out a bag of coffee beans that I may or may not have stolen out of the sitting room before this.

“I…” The mare looked downright confused. “So my father recently passed away, and my step sister took all of his inheritance, including my share!” She growled. “And that dumb, stupid bi-“

“Watch your language,” I intervened. “It’s rude-“

“Shut up you stupid bug! You aren’t in charge here!” Ow, my feelings. Anyways, the mare went on and on, while fully bucking lying, about how her dad was dead and how her fake sister stole her share of the inheritance. Meanwhile, I asked Shining Armor to get me a file on our lovely guest. I started scanning through documents about her while Celestia, who tasted a little mad, nodded, occasionally hummed, and gave ‘all of her attention’ with a serene little smile on her face. “And that, your highness, is why I am here,” The mare started sighing and breathing heavily after her little tirade.

“That, miss Tall Tale…” Celestia ‘eeped’ when I nipped her. “Yes, Stinky?” There was a slight taste of annoyance.

“Princess Celestia, we changelings are good at many things, sensing another’s emotions, being meat shields, mindlessly working on stuff or else we’ll get executed, having our heads bitten off by our queen for no reason. Aside from all of that, we changelings are also really good at,” I wiggled my ears. “Hearing heartbeats,” I pointed at the pegasus. “Her heart rate was going up, like a liar’s heart does when they lie; something the Queen actually taught all six thousand of us drones. On top of that, I can tell she’s not angry at all…” I hummed. “I smell a bit of smugness, quickly fleeting smugness, in the air.” I pulled up the documents I’ve been given. “Her dad’s alive by the way, and she’s an only child.” I put the documents down.

“I see,” Princess Celestis turned her attention to Tall Tale, who was feeling a mix of anger and fear. “Well, Ms. Tale, would you care to explain why you-“ I stopped paying attention when I caught something shiny in my eyes. I hopped down from my spot next to Celestia and started sniffing at the floor until I came nose to nose with a silver coin on the ground. I don’t know how this coin got here, but if nopony wanted it, because it was on the ground, I’ll take it! There was even a nice hole in the middle for me.

I picked up the coin in my magic and happily went trotting back up-

“You’re dead, changeling!” The next thing I knew, I was being tackled to the ground. “You ruined this for me! I had been planning that for months! Months! I could’ve been a wealthy mare, but no! You just had to steal my fortune away from me!” She got ready to punch me in the face. “Say your last words…” What is it with all the pretty mares being damn near psychotic? I mean, Luna is pretty, and she’s a bit weird, this mare’s really pretty; just psychotic and probably narcissistic.

“Hey,” I said very quietly. “Have you ever heard of the Beatle Project?” The mare blinked a couple of times, withdrawing her hoof slightly. “Once upon a time, a changeling named Beetle woke up, then he went to go free, to live free as a changeling,” I hummed. “He got hit by a train because he didn’t look both ways before crossing the tracks. He didn’t die from getting hit by a train, no, the Queen found him and laughed like a maniac while she skinned him alive and had me watch,” I flashed a huge smile… That was traumatic. “So that’s what happened to my cousin forty two months, four days, and twenty hours ago, by the way.” Nobuggy ever found the body. Mostly because my cousin was also burnt to a crisp right after, but the Queen told me I’m not allowed to tell anybody about that.

“What the buck does that have to do with me beating the buck out of you?!” Wow, nopony is coming to my aid.

“Simple,” I used my Back Lefty to sweep the mares’ hind legs out from under her, before promptly rolling out from under the pegasus while she tumbled to the ground with a grunt and a scream that would make my mother seem sane and loving. I quickly found my silver coin, before taking my spot next to Celestia. Tell Tale was promptly dragged off to the dungeons. I didn’t care though, I had my shiny thing, and I like it.

“…How the buck did you get a hold of a bit from two hundred years ago?” Princess Celestia asked, holding my treasure up. I had long since found a string, stuck it through the hole in the bit, and turned it into a necklace. “Today, this would be worth a very small fortune; enough to buy a house and take a month or two off of work. So roughly a thousand bits,” She let go of my necklace, letting the bit dangle just below my neck.

“Found it on the ground,” I shrugged.

“Hey Stinky,” Shining Armor spoke up. “How are you not scared or shaking at all? You were about to get pummeled until you got killed!”

“I dunno. Why did everypony just sit back and let me almost get beat until I couldn’t breathe anymore?” I chuckled when everypony had the decency to look away. “Well, getting pummeled to death would’ve been a mercy in the Hive. Sometimes the Queen would use a device, something called a taser, and shock a random changeling with it while eating popcorn. I was one of those changelings, once upon a time. Plus, when you’ve spent a whole year preparing for an invasion you didn’t want to partake in, you learn how to fight somewhat reasonably well.”

“…I shouldn’t have asked why you weren’t scared. How did that monster get a taser? That’s experimental guard equipment!”

“I dunno. She loved it more than she loved any of us though,” she literally tucked that thing in after tasing me. I love you, Mom.

“Are we just going to gloss over our friend’s absurd luck? I have not seen a silver bit in ages!” Celestia threw her forelegs in the air.

I shrugged. “I have no idea how money works, your highness. I know how to occasionally use it to obtain something, but I have zero ability to recognize how much value a bit has. We changelings simply got by off of taking care of each other, and puking up love to keep a fellow changeling alive. No economy, no greed, no problems. Well, except the Queen, but she’s a bit of an ass.”

“Now now, there are some rather nice donkeys,” Celestia interjected. Shining Armor had thrown Cadance over his back and just walked away after I started talking again. They were whispering stuff like ‘find a way to snuggle that bug’ for some reason.

“So I don’t really care all that much if I found something rare and valuable, it looks nice, and I never really had anything that I could call mine. So even if I could get a house somewhere with this one bit, I’d rather have a cool necklace and a hole in the ground.” Back Lefty started scratching at an inch under my jaw. I used changeling magic to turn it into a dog leg. “I really wasn’t a fan of how most of those ponies were feeling about me during the trial. Are you sure you shouldn't just snap my neck and send me down the river? Ponies are going to think you and your sister are being mind controlled, and a lot of not very good things are going to happen.”

Celestia shook her head. “No, I am not going to kill somepony, and especially not you. From what you are saying, I can tell you’ve never had a chance to properly live, and when you did, you were a citizen. Not an outstanding citizen, nor the worst, but you were perfectly happy to work in a cafe for the rest of your life. While you were sleeping, I had Luna send an interviewer to ask your coworkers, and anypony who knew you while you were in disguise. You weren’t the most friendly, nor were you ever exactly mean. Your boss said you were the most efficient employee he’s ever had even if your hoof writing, and your magic writing for that matter, is terrible,” she pulled out a piece of paper with a list of questions along with various answers and names. “I believe you deserve a fair chance, and so far, you’ve been respectful of me and Luna.” Celestia got closer to my ears.

“Though it would be nice if you were to relax a little; you are a friend, now a subject, but still a friend.” She hummed. “I know Luna would definitely enjoy it. She watches your flanks when you walk; she’s doing it right now.” I blinked a couple of times, before slowly turning around. Low and behold, Luna was walking up to us at a rather sedate pass, her eyes watching my hips as we walked at a much faster pace than her. In fact, once she noticed I was watching her, she stopped, turned to walk to a window, and started staring at it. Every time I looked away and looked back for a moment, Luna was going right back to staring at my butt. “...Shouldn’t she be asleep right now? It’s not even four in the afternoon,” I whispered back.

Celestia giggled like a filly. “She usually wakes up a little before she has to raise the moon. I do the same, but for the Sun, and yes, this is rather early for her. We both have been living for a very long time, as in we are both older than the current calendar system,” that is very old. The Queen is only five hundred years old. “We’ve picked up many love interests during our time, and I believe Luna has put her sights on you, for whatever reason. Do you know why?” I shook my head. “Well, if you do start dating my little sister, know that, while I am a Princess, I am a sister to Luna, first and foremost. I will tease you, I will happily put up with you, but you best not break her heart. I once had a changeling for a lover, hence why I am not attacking you at every turn.”

“...You had a changeling as a coltfriend?”

“I did, he was quite the handsome fellow… or at least his disguise was. When I found out what he was, which was while I was grooming him, I believe he was blissfully enjoying himself and dropped his disguise because of it. It’s a shame; the moment I found out, I yelled for my guards. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anypony look hurt in my life, before or after that moment, but I knew I was heartbroken when I found out what he was, as I knew of changelings long before I started dating that particular drone. I never got the chance to ask him of his motives, as he ran as soon as I started calling for my guards. When I finally tracked him down… Let’s just say there’s magical barriers around Canterlot’s edges for a reason. Luna was not particularly happy to find out I was dating a changeling, as we have gone to war with a Hive before, that Hive was rather brutal in their tactics.”

Oh boy, the Princess has done bucked up.

“...That drone loved you, you know. We changelings can interbreed with ponies, so perhaps that drone just wanted a mate, or was seeking love to feed himself. Believe it or not, but we drones can love, and learn to love. We just cannot feed off of another changeling no matter how hard we try. He was probably fully relaxed, your highness, he felt safe enough in your presence to drop his disguise in front of you. I know I wouldn’t drop my disguise for anypony so easily.” Celestia simply sighed, a single tear had rolled down her cheek as I talked. “Depending on how long you two were dating, you probably gave that changeling the best time of his life. Free food, and a caring, loving mate that he’d kill somebuggy for? That sounds like something out of a fairytale for us changelings.”

Celestia’s voice cracked very, very slightly. “Those years I spent with that changeling, while he was disguised, were probably the few years of my life that still stick out. He always knew what to say to sweep me off my hooves,” she sighed. “Leave that in the long line of buck ups I have to my name,” she whispered. I nuzzled her. “Yes, Stinky?” My name is Beatle, you horse!

“I dunno, I forgot. But usually, we changelings try to not remember what happened yesterday, or the day before that, or even the year before now. Usually it just makes us feel bad when we do.” Oh yeah, I was gonna tell her an old, changeling proverb. I forgot it as soon as I remembered it; literature was kinda illegal in the Hive. “So… While you did mess up, quite substantially, just move on. Tomorrow will be… brighter? Darker? I dunno, but don’t be like the griffins, who stagnated, and are all angry at each other. You’re better than that, your highness.” Princess Celestia nuzzled me.

“...That doesn’t exactly make me feel better about what happened, but in a way, it does help. Thank you, Stinky.”

The sound of a hoof cracking a floor tile broke my eardrums. “Hey! That’s my bucking changeling, you horse!”

Celestia had covered my ears with her hooves during that little shout. “Luna, don’t shout slurs in the castle, this story is for children.” What? A bunch of colts and fillies, being led by a cherry-colored mare, stood there with their jaws hanging. “...Why did a school have to have a field trip to the castle now of all times?” The Princess whispered. “Come on Luna, I am going to make you take a cold bath… with a soap bar!” Before I could say anything, Princess Luna ran by, swiped me, and started running as soon as I landed on her back. Princess Celestia galloped after us with a bar of soap.

One of the fillies, a very squeaky one, probably a unicorn, shouted what ‘horse’ meant.

I’m Going to Die Next Chapter

So, I was just left alone in my room just before everyone had to go to bed. Well, it’s not exactly going to bed, since I sleep under it. So I just bit off a chunk of the night stand and started licking it to pass the time. There were books, but I didn’t know how to read, so that was out. I could also… I don’t know, really. I’m not used to having free time, so I’m just gonna keep licking my new hunk of wood, because it’s fun to lick, and also because I am bored out of my mind and can’t sleep. Without another word, or disturbance, I got bored of the piece of nightstand, so I stuck it back on(changeling saliva is like glue), and crawled under my bed to sleep.

The next day, my eyes snapped open, as I sniffed out the scent of a pony. A female pony, low and behold, it was the maid, Harmonic Breeze. “Good morning!” She happily greeted me. “I was assigned to be your personal servant and maid!” I blinked a couple of times. “That means I serve you,” she said plainly.

“...Somepony to serve me?” I tilted my head. “Why would anypony want to do that?”

“Well…” She hummed. “Changelings aren’t used to being served, are they?” Harmonic asked.

“No, we serve the Queen usually. Mostly in giving her most of our food, getting dismembered whenever she’s bored, and all this fun other stuff. Once somebuggy got sick and the Queen thought it would be funny to inject the drone with random chemicals for fun. She laughed like a normal pony after injecting the drone with some acid. It was really… I don’t know, it kind of hurts to see, since she made every other changeling in the Hive watch as she played with the sick changeling, myself included.” I shivered. “So I love my mother, what do maids do?”

Harmonic Breeze blinked a couple of times, before shaking her head, I sensed that she was feeling a little shocked, I don’t know why. She lives in a castle, serving two Princesses that move celestial bodies and she doesn’t blink an eye. Why would my family stories be so surprising? “Well, say you want something-”

“I want to chew on something,” a stick of gum was presented.

“Basically, if you want or need something, it’s my job to make sure I get what you need, or want, done.” Oh. “For instance, you wanted to chew on something, so here’s some… gum,” she looked at the nightstand. “Why… Why is the coffee table partially green?”

“I chewed on it earlier, and stuck it back on,” I said proudly. I am proud of my jaw strength, okay?

“...You stuck it upside down, backwards, and it’s holding? That makes no sense!” Harmonic threw her hoof at the nightstand. “How did you even bite off that bit of the night stand? You took off half the bucking-” Harmonic took a deep breath. “I am going to have to put an order in for a new nightstand for your room, you bucking changeling…” she whispered. “You are so, so lucky that you’re kinda cute, or I would be a lot more angry about this,” she sighed. She handed me the stick of gum and I ate the wrapper, and stuck the gum in my nose. It smelled nice. My maid’s brain probably stopped working, because her eye twitched and she just froze in place.

I sat down in my chair at the breakfast table, a bowl of cereal was immediately pushed to me, and Princess Celestia and Luna were sitting across from each other. Princess Luna was eating a pineapple, while Celestia had a stack of pancakes in front of her. “Good morning, Stinky,” Celestia waved. “How did you sleep last night?” She asked, a warm smile took place on her face.

“I slept great! I got to cuddle with a bit of the nightstand, had no nightmares, and woke up to a pretty pony maid that I broke.” Celestia tilted her head. “I didn’t kill her, she just started having eye twitches after I swallowed gum, wrapper and all. It tasted good; I want more gum now.”

“Wait, you cuddled with the nightstand?” Luna asked. “How in the buck-“

“I bit off half of the nightstand and licked it for three hours.”

“…As somepony who once struggled with modern day Equestrian culture, I suppose I shall teach you a couple of things. Meet with me after breakfast; I am going to need coffee, a lot of coffee, I am not used to being awake past eight in the morning. It will be best that I have caffeine so I can continue to woo- teach you about how to live in modern day Equestria, and how to fit in with ponies… After a poll, I have found that I am the favorite out of Equestria’s Princesses, and after some research…” Luna blushed a little. “Well, some have weird fantasies.” That sounds like something I should not dive into, so I’m not going to look into what Luna was talking about.

I watched Luna’s hips sway on the way out, they’re hypnotizing.

I found myself laying on Luna’s bed. The Princess had brought me into her chambers, pulled out a book, and draped a wing over my back as she read me a book. Apparently modern ponies are really into reading books while cuddling, but since I couldn’t read, Luna was reading aloud, her lovely voice was very relaxing when she was in narrator mode. “And this is the letter D, used in words such as ‘dog’,” I grabbed a pencil and wrote the word dog out. I think I did. “You won’t ‘Dag’,” Luna giggled. Luna pointed each letter out. “Use dog in a sentence please.”

I tilted my head, and I felt Luna’s inner ‘awe’. Why was she thinking that? I don’t know. “Why?” Even though I questioned the merit behind this, I did it anyway.

“Because knowing how to read and write will work out for you; you can’t get a job if you can’t do either of those things…” Luna sighed. “I would rather you remain in the castle so I can keep you,” she whispered.

“But I got a job at a cafe, and I didn’t know how to read or write anything besides my name and my disguise’s name,” I frowned. “Am I stupid? My Mom always said I was.”

“You are not stupid, just uneducated. Once you learn how to read and write, it should-” Luna stopped, reading what I wrote. “You wrote a paragraph, a short story about a dog playing fetch with its owner…” She hummed. “Perfect grammar, correct punctuation… you said you couldn’t read or write,” Luna glared at me. “Did you lie?”

“I did; I can kinda read and kinda write. I had to learn how, so I snuck into a school, disguised as a white little, apparently cute, unicorn with a squeaky voice, and learnt the basics of writing. If I were in the Hive, I would’ve gotten lynched.”

Sweetie Bell was rather confused about how she got a perfect A on a test she wasn’t even in school for; she was out of town, on vacation. “Apple Bloom, what the hay are you talking about?”

“You taught us how to do multiplication last week, and you don’t know how to do it now?” Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “Great, now we can’t get our cheating on homework cutie marks.”

“...I want to use a word that Rarity said I’m not allowed to use, because I don’t know what you guys are talking about!” The unicorn filly paused for a moment. “What the fu-”

“Well, on the bright side, you don’t live in the Hive anymore?” Luna sighed. “I see why you would’ve kept being able to read a secret, so this was minute,” with a pop, all the reading and literature materials vanished. “Is there anything else you would like to do? I know you’ve been spending an unnecessary amount of time with my sister, so I need you to spend some time with me…” Luna nuzzled me, and I started hiccuping. “Did I do something wrong?”

“Physical contact-hic-is a way for a changeling to feed off of-hic-a pony’s affection,” I hicced again. I shook my head, trying to get rid of the hiccups. “This sucks,” with another hic, I groaned, and fell on my side, just suffering in my own little world of hiccups, doomed to forever- oh, that feels nice. Luna had just started licking the inside of my ears, which felt… really good. Oh… “A little to the left?” I laid there, tongue hanging out the side of my muzzle, in pure bliss. The Princess giggled as my hiccups slowed down a bit. The next thing I knew, I was on my back, and Luna was grooming my belly.

I think I died again, this has to be the afterlife. “This,” I happily grumbled. “Is why you’re my favorite, female pony, your highness.” The grooming stopped. “Is it something I said?”

“No, but why specifically a favorite female?”

“You are really pretty, your hips are hypnotic when you walk, and you groom me,” I let out a dog-like whine. “Please resume grooming me? I liked the feeling.” And you know, you’re a female, Luna. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re a pony, a female pony at that, and I like you more than I like your sister.

Celestia is scary.

“You think my hips are… what, now?” Luna giggled as my face started reddening. “You, Stinky, sure do know how to make a mare feel special, don’t you?” Despite my ability to sense emotions, I was having a hard time understanding if that was a good thing or not. “It’s a good thing, Stinky. Most stallions don’t even pay attention to mine, or my sister’s figure, and mostly care about trying to marry us for a leg up. Granted, there are many who consider the two of us very, very attractive, but then cannot approach us either because of titles, or because I am apparently too scary to talk to.” Luna rested her head on my stomach. “You know, Stinky, I never thought I would ever use a changeling as a pillow, but here I am. Nor would I expect to find that same changeling to be rather handsome.”

“...Why do you and Celestia like me so much? I’m just a changeling, a drone, usually something that the Queen would use as a punching bag to relieve herself of stress,” I cocked my head. “I haven’t done a whole lot over the last few… however long it’s been since I’ve lived with ponies. It’s hard to tell when you can’t read calendars, or clocks.”

“...Are you lying?”

“Yes. I was just too poor to be able to afford calendars, so I never bought anything; I don’t know what a bit is.” I wasn’t lying, I heard of gold coins, dollar bills, even copper coins. Bits were a really old, outdated system of currency when you thought about it. Everywhere else uses paper, we changelings use rocks as money because that’s the only thing of value that we have.

Luna simply shook her head. “You, my friend, you are a weird changeling.”

So now it was lunch time, Luna had gone to bed, as she was already pushing her sleep schedule by being up past breakfast, so she was out like a light when I left. Moonbutt did take the opportunity to kiss me on the cheek before I left. Why the buck does she like me so much? For one thing, she seems intent on making me her changeling, like I was her property or something stupid, even though she just met me. Mom said nobody likes changelings, not even her, which is why she called us all ugly abominations that shouldn’t see the light of day. Despite me being an abomination, Celestia seems to enjoy my company, and Luna wants to get between my hindlegs, I guess.

Anyways, I’m lost. I can’t remember where in the buck my room was, since Luna filled me up with so much love with that kiss, that I was barely able to walk. So I just stumbled around, burping, hiccuping, and feeling like I just ate from the Princess of Food directly from the source… Who was the Princess of food? It can’t be Cadance, she doesn’t taste like love. Maybe it was Shining Armor, as ponies put it, I think his wife wears the metaphorical pants in their relationship… So I think Cadance is a stallion as well. Oh well, I’m not gonna question the merit behind those two weird ponies’ relationship, I’m a Changeling, not a love bug. Oh, I bumped into Cadance, her wife was standing next to her, staring down at a poor guard.

The poor guard, a mare, stood there, unblinking, unwavering. “Well?” Shining Armor asked. His husband and I continued to ignore the impending doom that would be laid down on the poor, minimum wage on guarding a Princess that can blow up the country, pony.

“Oh! Stinky,” Cadance jumped and turned to face me. “Why are you in the Royal Guard Training Grounds? It’s on the opposite side from the guests’ living quarters!”

Shining Armor jumped when she heard her husband speak. “Oh Stinky, wanna help the guards train? You could be a changeling, a bear, anything! This’ll be great.”

I hiccup’d so hard that I nearly fell over. “I…” I groaned inwardly; I just want to sleep off this excess love. “Okay… Please go easy on me; your aunt was a little rough on me.” Shining Armor blinked. “She had a little too much fun,” the guard blinked in confusion, while Cadance was simply giggling. Shining Armor just looked equally confused as his employee. “What? She Taught me how to read and write, that was mentally taxing.” I stumbled onto the training field as Cadance instructed, since she apparently knows a thing or two about running the guard, and her husband was broken from my little joke about me sleeping with Luna.

I wanted to sleep with Luna…

She’s very soft; she would make for a good pillow if she were okay with sleeping under her bed.

A guard stood across from me, wearing padding instead of the nice, golden armor they usually wear. It was a he, judging from how his head kinda resembled a brick, and he had a wooden sword. He looked ready to kick my rear end into the stratosphere. “Is… now a good time to mention I’m a mere worker drone, not a fighter drone?” I turned to Cadance, who shook her head. “Can I not do this?” Shining Armor was sitting next to her, with the same expression as a foal, with a notebook. “Why do you have a notebook?”

“Are you serious? This’ll be the first time anypony’s been able to record how a changeling fights! I could jot what you do down and teach it to my guards!” I blinked a couple of times. “Please do this?”

“If I die, tell my Mom that she’s an asshole,” I sighed and stumbled forward. I can barely walk, so running isn’t an option. The guard came charging at me, I stumbled as he swung his sword at me, but I turned one of my hooves into the same type of sword, before parrying it. I stumbled again and fell on my face, and I felt back lefty collide with something. The sound of a quill on paper could be heard as I stood up. Crumple on the ground, was the guard, dazed, and probably knocked out since he was breathing, but wasn’t getting back up. “Now, how do I get the earth ponies to transform their forelegs into swords? Magical scrolls? That could work…” Shining Armor mumbled.

“Like Older Brother, like Younger sister; Twilight Sparkle is just like him,” Cadance shook her head.

“...I’m not going to say anything about that mare; I met her and she was far from pleasant to me,” I sighed. “Please don’t make me meet Twilight Sparkle again; she’s scary.”

“Hey Stinky, wake up!” I grumbled. It had been a week since I started stopping by Luna’s room every night, and I had started adapting to fit her sleep schedule more. So you can tell how happy I was when I was woken up at nine in the morning by her big, white, Sunny sister. “Come on! I have someponies that I would you to meet!” I groaned, and stuck my head back under the bed.

“Go away, Luna spent all night testing me on math…” I grumbled. “It was easy, but I just want to sleep; I was up until four in the morning!” I started being dragged across the castle floor while behind held in a golden glow. “Nooo….” I quietly grumbled as my carapace started rubbing against the carpet, and my head would jump occasionally as it hit a break in the carpet. “Who do I have to meet?”

“My personal student and her friends. You’ll probably be working with them quite a bit in the future, so you will have to establish at least a friendly relationship with them,” Celestia happily marched on.

“Tell them to buck off, I want to sleep.” My wing, the one not pinned under the rest of my body, buzzed a bit in annoyance.

“Being cute will not make me allow you to sleep in for a moment like this.” My head bumped a door as it closed, and I still didn’t care. I was just trying to go back to sleep. There was a conversation that was going on, but it halted upon me dangling in the air.

“Is that a dead changeling?” My eyes snapped open at the sound of that voice. Without thinking I swung my head around a couple of times until I had enough momentum to smack Celestia’s butt, and try to jump out of a nearby window… My plan didn’t work, I was stuck in place. I couldn’t even move my neck. “Can I dissect it?” That same voice said. Okay, that’s it, where is my personal, comfort Moon Princess? I want to hide behind her. Somebody save me!

I Want a Pet Foal Now

So, after getting that piece of paper, telling me to go work in a daycare for a day, I walked right up to a building, which was apparently a daycare. How would you take care of the day? I don’t know. My escorts whispered behind me as I sat on my rump, wondering how I should greet the day carer. After a few moments of sitting there, I stood up, walked up to the door and started beating it with my head. After a couple of head bangs, the door clicked open, and an old mare stuck her head out of the door. “C-changeling-” I pulled up my work form that I didn’t fill out or make myself. Why did I even have this? One of my guards gave it to me and I simply didn’t question it, that’s why.

“I’m here to work here for a day, since your coworker took the day off.” I said calmly. “So what’s a daycare?”

“This… is a work form directly from Princess Celestia…” The mare looked it over, looked up at me, and looked at my guards. “Are you two here to make sure he doesn’t hurt anypony?”

“No, we’re here to make sure nopony hurts him. Surprisingly, this changeling is harmless,” oh, my guards were mares. I should’ve been able to smell that, but I chose not to pay attention to that. I cocked my head sideways, before spinning around to lick the guard that spoke, directly on the nose. My guard paused for a moment, before blushing slightly. “A-and really friendly,” my guard shook her head. “He won’t hurt anypony from what I can gather.” The guard got up close to me. “If you’re free later-”

“You can use me as a pillow,” I offered.

“That… will do.” Hopefully Luna won’t catch us; my guard looks fluffy. The mare, who I think owns the daycare, blinked a couple of times, before shrugging.

“Well, I could use the extra hooves anyways, so welcome to the team… for a day,” she looked down at the clipboard. “You will be working with our foals that are under eight years old, is that a problem, Mr… Stinky?” I nodded. “Well, right this way.”

You know, there is a position in the Hive that every drone takes turns doing, which is taking care of nymphs, or baby changelings. Nymphs are really cute, little spawns of Tirek that will bite your ankles, that every drone cannot help but love. Myself included, because once you tire out a nymph, they are super cuddly, and really friendly. Now, pony nymphs, or foals as you call them… are way easier to work with. You see, they’re energetic, but they won’t bite your ankles like a nymph would, instead, they cry and whine. Luckily, you holding them to your side and hugging them cheers them up.

I was currently holding a filly, a unicorn, who was now giggling and playing with my hoof, which I had turned into a set of keys. Don’t look at me; I asked the guards what would’ve kept this foal’s attention, and they said keys. When I asked them what the heck keys are, they showed me some; ponies and their dumb, stupid objects. Oh well, I get to hold a pony nymph now. “You are the cutest thing I have ever seen,” I chuckled as the filly eventually forgot my hoof and started hugging my nose. If it weren’t illegal, I would take this filly home with me; she is so darn sweet that it’s giving me a toothache.

“You’re the coolest pony I’ve ever seen, Mr. Stinky! I want to turn my hooves into other things like a bear paw!” You see, after playing with a whole room of foals by turning into a swing set, a slide, and various other things, I was assigned one specific filly. A filly that had a really bad ability to stay focused. Luckily, I also have that problem, so we mesh well together. Her name was Soft Breeze, which sounded oddly similar to Harmonic Breeze’s name, or my maid. They even look almost exactly the same, except Soft was a filly. Other than that, the same mane color, both were unicorns, and they have the same eye color. “Your eyes look a little funny.”

‘That’s because I used to eat colored pencils,” I said plainly. “Don’t be like me, don’t eat writing utensils.” Soft giggled some more, before she happily hopped off my nose, before running off.

Soft Breeze turned around and bowed. “C’mon! I bet you can’t catch me!” I was engulfed in green fire, and was suddenly the same size as the filly. We played until it was nap time. By the time she had fallen asleep in my forelegs, I was already coming up with plans to take the filly with me without anypony noticing… only to sigh; that would probably land me in a cell in the Everfree forest, with no food, while the cage that I would find myself in, would also be on fire.

I could go to an orphanage and borrow a filly or colt… permanently, without permission. I want a pet filly or colt. I’ll ask the Princesses if I can get a pet filly or colt.

As the sun set, ponies, mares and stallions alike, would stop by to pick up their pet foal up and go on their way home. I usually got a few glares, a slur or two, and a few stink eyes. I didn’t care, I had Soft sleeping on my back, waiting for her mother to come pick her up. I eagerly watched the door, hoping to finally get this filly to her proper owner; it’s only fair, after all. I’ll be a little sad, because I don’t think I will be allowed to take care of another filly for a while, or any pony nymphs for that matter, but sadness is a constant in the Hive.

And fear, mostly fear.

“You know,” the headmare, or the mare that gave me the job to begin with, sat beside me, nudging me with a wing. “You do a good job at taking care of foals,” she chuckled. “To think, a changeling of all creatures, is better at taking care of foals than some parents.” She sighed with a small smile. “If you are in the neighborhood,” she actually neighed for that by the way. “And you want to help watch foals again, I’ll let you. You were efficient at feeding time, spent more than plenty of time with the foals who demanded the extra attention. And…” She nodded to the filly sleeping on my back. “She likes you and even asked if you’d be coming back to play with her again.”

“I get to play with pony nymphs again- I mean foals?”

“Whenever you’d like! They all loved you!” The mare nuzzled me. “And I quite like you as well.”

Luna watched from her seat, staring at the crystal ball. “That mare best keeps her hooves to herself. Can Stinky stop accidentally obtaining the attraction of multiple mares? First one of his guards, and then the headmare of the daycare on Neigh Street?” She grumbled.

Princess Luna ‘neighed’ when saying ‘Neigh Street’.

“Sister, Stinky is a free changeling, you know.” Celestia snorted. “Besides, he likes watching your flanks. Just go ahead and tell him you want to be his mate; he probably smells it off of you, and probably can feel what you feel…” Celestia, Mare of the Morn, went on vacation, now it was just Celly, Lulu’s Older Sister on the job. “Why are you so enamoured by him anyways? His flanks? His muscles? He is quite fit, afterall. Perhaps it’s Stinky’s big, cute, expressive eyes?”

“...Remember when I had a hard time getting accepted by our subjects before the Nightmare?” Luna asked. Celestia nodded, taking on a more serious outlook on her little sister. “Well, when I first met Stinky, and I was about to cut his head off, he said something about being accepted. That… ‘hit close to home’, sister. On top of that, Stinky has an odd charm to him, add on all the things you mentioned… What is it like dating a changeling, you’ve dated one before, after all.”

“It was… magnificent, to say the least. While I was blissfully unaware of what he was, that drone was the sweetest thing, always making sure my happiness came first. One day I got sick, and tried to keep working anyway; I was then strapped to my bed while my changeling scolded me for trying to push myself. After I relented, it was a day of cuddling, and me getting three meals, that he cooked himself, in bed. It was… nice.” Celestia chuckled. “And judging from Mr. Stinky’s performance, if you two have foals, he will be excellent with them. I wonder how long it’ll take him to realize who Soft Breeze’s mother is.”

So, Soft’s mother never showed up, so I was told the address of where her mother lived. It happened to be on ‘Royal Road’ for some reason. I was given a map of the city, and something to help secure the sleeping filly on my back. I waved goodbye to the headmare, before going on my way. Occasionally, as in all the time, a pony would walk by and do a double take of me. What a sight I must make? A changeling, undisguised, being guarded by two Royal Guards, and with a filly on my back. I waved to a couple ponies on the way like nothing was wrong, because nothing was wrong.

After all, if something was wrong, I’d be in a dungeon by now.

At some point, Soft woke up, sleepily looking around. “Mr. Stinky…” She yawned. “Where’s Mommy? And why am I riding on your back?” She rested her head on the back of my neck.

“We got a message from your mother, according to the headmare, and that she was really busy with something at the moment. She did request that you be brought home, which is apparently a common occurrence…” Please don’t shoot me for relaying a message. “I’ll have you home soon!” Oh, a pony with a knife came out of the alleyway. It was a mare, who looked about ready to try and rob me, until she realized what the buck I was. “Oh,” I lifted Soft off of my back, and levitated her to a guard. “Please hold Soft Breeze for me; I don’t want to accidentally knock her off my back.” I turned to the mare before me. “Please go away.”

“C-changelings? They… They’re still in Canterlot! AHHH!” The mare threw her knife to the side and started running while screaming bloody murder the whole way. Wow, she followed my request and did it so politely too!

“Hey!” I yelled back. “There’s only one changeling in Canterlot, and that’s me!” I turned around and plucked Soft off of my guard’s back, before placing her on mine again. “Off we go!”

Huh. Royal Road was the same road that had the entirety of Canterlot Castle on it. I walked right in, because I had a pardon or something that basically meant I had free roam of the castle. Apparently nopony officially gave it out, they just thought I was sleeping with Luna. Considering I do use her as a pillow quite often, and cuddle with her even more before I go to sleep, yeah, I do sleep with her. The receptionist looked up at me. “Here to drop off Soft Breeze?” The receptionist asked.

“Yeah-”

“Stinky, that's where you are? You go missing for bucking days! Where the-” Mrs. Breeze got right up in my face. Then she suddenly stopped on her little tirade of my existence, because changelings are stupid. Was now nose and nose with me, getting ready to keep yelling, before a certain unicorn woke up again and peeked around the back of my head. You know, they smell the same, almost like mother and daughter… Oh. “Why do you have my foal?” Breeze asked quietly.

“I was working at her daycare for the day. I got more stupid gold coins that I don’t need, and I got to play with a bunch of pony nymphs. Your foal included! It was a win-win, in my… What are those leathery things with pages in them? Anyways, I was told to bring her home, so I did. This is your daughter?” I did a complete 180 with my head, without breaking my neck, before grabbing Soft by the scruff of her neck. “Here you go, Mrs. Breeze. You have a wonderful daughter; she didn’t try to eat my legs, my heart, and my soul like nymphs do.” Breeze looked up at me. “What?”

Soft reached out to me with her forelegs, in a cute little manner, that would’ve burnt my heart to a crisp if that was still in my body. “Hey Mommy, if you work for this pony, can you let me play with him on occasion?” She sleepily asked.

So for the next week, Soft Breeze was left in my room. She played, slept, ate, and pretty much did everything in my room with my supervision. She was a sweet little thing, always asking me about something before doing it, or asking a question I couldn’t answer, but gave a dumb little answer. “So where do trains come from?” Soft asked, tilting her head. Now, I don’t know where trains come from, but I would hazard a guess.

“God.”

And that’s how my week was, I got a pet filly, and my maid was actually okay with me owning her filly. Okay, not really, I didn’t bring the topic up, but Mrs. Breeze was happily allowing me to play and take care of Soft if I had nothing to do, as I did it for free. And that meant all my maid had to do was bring food in for me and Soft, since I stopped asking her for things. Mostly because after the gumstick incident, it just seemed like a bad idea to ask her for things. Right now, it was Soft’s nap time, and she was laying under my wing, having turned into a pegasus at her request; her dad was a pegasus and would often do this little thing for her. As in allow his daughter to use his wing as a blanket.

Harmonic Breeze sat across from me, while still in uniform, on a cushion across from me. “You know,” she said, breaking the silence. “That is something I’m surprised about,” she gave me a warm smile. “She asked you of all ponies about-”

“I’m not a pony,” I said while cocking my head. “Or am I? I forget sometimes.”

“...It’s a force of habit, Stinky. It shows how well behaved and civil you are; I sometimes forget that I’m serving a changeling most of the time when I’m dealing with you…” She sighed. “I just haven’t seen anypony hold my daughter like that since my husband passed away.” Oh. “I sometimes ponder on what life would be like if he were still alive, but sometimes, I don’t regret what happened.”

“Your mate is… Dead?” Breeze nodded. “Oh dear Chrysalis…” I returned my head to its natural shape, and dragged my maid under my wing. “Noling and nopony should have to experience losing their mate as early as you have, Mrs. Breeze.” Now my maid was blushing under my wing. “Do you need to cry on my shoulder? I’m more than willing to do so-”

“N-no, this is more than enough, Stinky.”

“Take your clothes off?” I said.

“Oh? You wish to sleep with me as well? I thought you’d be satisfied with the Princesses!” I cocked my head.

“No? We aren’t going to fall asleep together, not on this cushion, there isn’t enough room, and it’s not cramped enough. While you are serving me, don’t wear your uniform; you’re my friend, not my employee.”

“...yessir.” Breeze’s horn lit up, and her uniform disappeared. “Better, your highness?” I nodded. “Also, you do understand what sleeping with me means, right?”

“No, no I don’t. Everypony asks how Luna is in bed, and I just say she’s soft. They snicker and walk off shortly afterwards.”

“Do you know what intercourse is?” It is a good thing that your daughter is asleep, Breeze, that’s very inappropriate.

“I know what that is, why?”

“Everypony thinks you’ve already ‘mated’ with Luna, and are suspecting you’re mating with Celestia as well. Almost nopony truly has seen Celestia nuzzle another out in public, and she does it to you while you’re helping her in daycourt.”

“...Oh. I would like to have Luna or Celestia as a mate; they’re quite fun to be around. And after spending enough time with them… Yeah, they’re just mares, very friendly, fun mares to hangout with. I doubt they’d want to date something like me, though. So I’m just happily existing until either they get tired of me and throw me out, or until I find something I want to do in my free time. I may go visit Ponyville again and check in on Bob, maybe actually check in on my coworkers and my old boss while I’m at it. Then I can…” I hummed. “Why are you still blushing?”

“If a pegasus takes you under their wing, literally, like you are right now, it’s very intimate and usually means they want you as a mate. You don’t know, because you’re a changeling, but this is… You wouldn’t mind marrying me if I asked, would you?”

“No, you’re the second prettiest mare I know. Luna is first, and Celestia is third… Mostly because Queen Chrysalis the Friendly and Motherly, conditioned every changeling into thinking that Celestia will bring doom upon every changeling, so I’m still working over the fact that she isn’t scary if you don’t eat her cake.” I learnt that the hard way… I was tickled for an hour straight after I got into some cake I found in a minifridge hidden underneath the dining hall table. Also all six mares that are staying in the castle to plan a wedding out, all of them were really pretty, even if they were kinda weird, or scary in Twilight’s case.

“O-oh.” Breeze giggled. “Well, I won’t stand in the way of you attempting to court Luna, but if things do not work out, would you court me instead?”

“...I’ll give a relationship between us a shot. I think Soft would like it if we did date.”

“Mommy and Stinky sitting in a tree-” Speaking of a certain filly, who should be napping right now, we decided then and there to torture Soft with tickling her for ten minutes straight. It was glorious.

Cadance Tried to Hangout With Me

I crawled out from under my bed, taking a second to stretch and yawn. Oh… That was a good sleep, I had gotten a bed that was lower to the ground so I could sleep under something more cramped. Today, my maid decided to send her daughter off to the daycare, while I got to do whatever I wanted in the castle. That then led to a question… What should I do? Celestia and Luna were busy, the Elements, or the six scary mares, were here helping with wedding preparations, and Cadance and Shining Armor were in the room across from mine, and it sounds like they were mad at each other. Like these rooms are apparently soundproof, yet you could still hear them in the halls, and in my own room as well.

It sounded like it, but it smelled of lust and reeked of what a mating ritual smelled like. Often the shouts involved. “Buck me harder!” From Cadance, or Shining Armor grunting. So chances were… they were not waking up very early, or won’t be super happy early in the morning. Maybe this is how ponies act around each other when they are about to get married… Getting married is stupid. Just go up to a drone, or mare, that you like, tell them what you want, and boom, mate for life. Changelings choose one mate for life, more often than not, and are very loyal to each other, so we don’t need laws to bind us together.

Which is why I haven’t exactly made any moves with Luna. Ponies keep asking if I slept with her, and I do, since she makes for a good pillow, and is the only reason why I will ever sleep on a bed instead of under a bed. I know what ponies say that means, but also, I don’t. Sure, Harmonic Breeze explained it to me last week, but I kinda forgot because I ended up taking care of her foal for the remainder of that week. Any and all thoughts I had were around taking care of Soft while keeping her safe. I even suplexed a guard who got too close to her in a way I didn’t like, while feeling emotions you shouldn’t feel while staring at a foal. As in he asked her where her mother was, while smelling like he wanted to mate… while staring at a filly.

So that guard is still out of commission, since I also broke one of his legs; don’t touch my filly. She’s mine!

You bucking creep.

Another guard approached her and gave Soft a piece of candy, so he got off scot-free; he was just being nice.

And… The thing I poured almost all of my time into isn’t here right now. Dangit. Well, I might as well find something to do.

Now understanding that in order to find a way to kill twenty four hours involved stepping out of my room, I walked on out of my room in hopes of… something. Maybe I can go kidnap Celestia and cuddle with her for the day.

As soon as I stepped out the door, my nose bumped into something big and pink. What was that big, pink thing? Cadence of course! Shining Armor was chuckling behind a hoof, while Cadance was blushing. I, on the other hoof, blinked a couple of times, before wondering how territorial stallions were of their mates… I think I’m going to go jump out the window and run for my life. Maybe Manehattan has some cheap living… I could go live in a sewer to remain hidden. It is kinda hard for a changeling to hide themselves, after all. It’s not like we can just… turn into a pony. I withdrew my nose. “Cadance, I didn't mean to nuzzle your muzzle when your fiance is standing right there. Please don’t murder me.”

“I-I-” Cadance stopped and took a deep breath, and an even deeper exhale. “That is completely fine, Stinky. I didn’t know you were on the other side of the door. Didn’t you hear our heartbeats, like you claim that changelings can do?”

“I wasn’t paying attention; the foal I usually foalsit’s at daycare, and I have nothing to do. It makes me kinda sad, since Soft Melody ate up most, if not all of my time over the last week, and it was a pleasure to do so.”

“I can’t believe you suplexed a guard for her sake,” Shining Armor said with a huge grin, before sighing. “And it’s a shame that I now know what that guard’s into. Once he’s out of commission, he’ll be out of a job, and thrown in a dungeon.” He walked up beside me, wrapping one of his legs around my neck. “How about the three of us get to know more about each other? I haven’t had much of a chance to interact with you, because Luna’s either hogging you, or Cadance is trying to treat you like you’re her own foal!” He noogied me, before shaking his hoof off, because mama said I had a hard head, and she was right.

“Shiny,” Cadance spoke up. “You don’t noogie anypony except Twilight when she was a little filly.”

“Well, he reminds me of a little filly, or colt in this instance, socially unaware, kind of dull, all that fun stuff! The only difference is he can suplex a guard and break their legs, while also being in his late teens!”

Rude.

“But Twilight can rip off a guard’s head in a split second,” I said, tilting my head. “Even I can tell how advanced she is with magic, just ignoring the fact that she’s barely even twenty one years old, she is advanced to the point where she radiates magic, magic you can feel anywhere if you are in the same room as her. “She’s really scary, but she smiles and all that fun stuff, while being really cute somehow. And she’s really, really nice after you get past the fact that she ruined my life in Ponyville.” My wings buzzed. “I think Luna’s watching me right now, complaining about how I’m starting to find your sister attractive, Shining Armor.”

“How the buck does he know that I’m watching him?!” Luna screamed while throwing the crystal ball at the wall, which went straight through, flying down towards Ponyville. A certain, wall-eyed pegasus caught it with her face, and she went crashing into the Town Hall, the second time that month… The Town Hall burnt to the ground shortly afterwards, but Derpy was perfectly fine. In fact, she got out entirely unscathed despite the fact that the secretary in the Town Hall had second degree burns.

So after we brushed over my newfound attraction for a purple unicorn(Luna was still prettier), it was decided that I follow Cadance around, because Shining Armor got distracted by a guard who decided to talk to his captain about fantasy hoofball. Me, not knowing what the buck a hoofball was, kept to Cadance as she went about checking on how the preparations for her wedding were going. “So you and Shining Armor are getting married a second time?” I asked, tilting my head. “Or did my Queen ruin that day so much it threw a wrench in that?”

“...Well, technically, and legally, me and Shiny are already married, but we couldn’t hold a proper wedding or wedding reception because of how everything in Canterlot was destroyed. So we’re redoing the ceremony, from the dress, which got destroyed when that monster revealed herself, to the appetizers, and the cake. Do you ever get married?”

“No, changelings just spend a lot of time around one another, usually of the opposite gender. After a while, if they like each other enough, the male or female asks if their chosen partner would like to mate. Then they mate, and often mate for life. Despite our similarities to insects, the Queen is only a ruler… Not everyling’s mother. I just got really… Lucky is the word right? Lucky to be the Queen’s actual offspring. As much as I joke about her being a terrible mother, she often does try to treat me somewhat better than everyling else. As in… she just insults me and tortures me once a year instead of once a week.”

“Wait, your Queen isn’t a terrible pony?” Cadance asked.

“Oh no, she’s pretty bad, I just… exaggerated how bad she is,” we remained silent after that, because I was telling the truth, I just didn’t say how much I exaggerated how bad she is. At some point, Cadance threw me up on her back, because she thought my hooves hurt or something. They didn’t hurt at all, because they’re bucking hooves, Princess of Food; hooves can’t get hurt from standing or walking on them… unless you get glass stuck in them somehow, like an idiot.

After a while of walking, I took a whiff of the air, before shivering. We were approaching the Den of the Pink One, as in the really energetic Pink One, that’s really friendly, but exerts so much happiness that it gives me a stomach ache. Luckily, I already had my fill of stomach pain by just being near Cadance when she was in proximity of Shining Armor. I’m still kinda feeling it, by the way.

Basically, I like her, but I can’t be around her too much.

For some reason Pinkie and Cadance hopped across the room on their hindlegs while pumping their forelegs up and down. I tilted my head, wondering why doing something so stupid looking could be so fun to them. For starters, it was dumb, secondly, it looked like it hurt a bit. Third and foremost, it does hurt, Pinkie made me join them since I was apparently invited to the wedding. I fell on my face at least four different times while trying to ‘dance’.

“Ow,” make that five times. “I think my mother would’ve made herself a bag of popcorn and laughed at my misery,” I rolled back off of my face, and onto my hooves again. “Do I have to learn how to dance? The last changeling that danced, got executed for having fun, which is illegal in the Hive.” I turned into Pinkie, but with a unicorn horn. “I know this one cool dance at least,” I flipped onto the horn and started spinning.

“Ooh! I didn’t know we were promoting that other thing Hasbro owns, but really doesn’t own! Let me do it too!” Pinkie jumped onto her nose and started spinning on it. “For legal reasons, this story happens to have nothing to do with Hasbro, or anything like that. It’s just written by some idiot at four in the morning! For more information please see the terms and condi-“

She then started saying a long, winded thing of legal terms that were in no way connected to each other. Cadance and I slowly looked at the Pink Pony that was just giving a million mile stare into an imaginary void while saying a bunch of stuff that made no sense. Cadance and I made eye contact before we slowly backed out towards a window and jumped out of it.

I lost Cadance. I don’t know how, but I did. After we had jumped out of the window, Cadance flew around and banked into another open window, while I just started hovering in place. After I got distracted by something green in the distance, I forgot where I was, and what tower of the eight towers I came out of. So I flew around, looking left and right, and then there was another green flash in the distance… That can’t be too bad. That only means there’s a changeling nearby and only one changeling knows how to teleport, who happens to be my mother. After a while of getting bored, I flew past a tower and saw Celestia with her back turned to a window.

So I flew up to the window, opened it, and flew right in. what I saw was… interesting. Celestia wasn’t sitting still, no, she was staring at a stove that was on fire. Next to that was a cook book with ‘how to make ice cream cake’ being very visible on the top of the page. There was a tub of ice cream on the stove, which was also burning. The cake batter that the Princess had seemingly prepared herself was also on fire, and it was sitting in an open fridge. I just sat and stared while Luna was trying to figure out how to work a fire extinguisher.

“How the buck did you set the milk on fire?” I asked, before coughing up a lot of spit onto the stove, putting it out. Changeling saliva, it saves lives. And also can be used to trap ponies if it hardens.

“...Stinky, how long have you been standing there?” Princess Celestia asked.

“Ten seconds…” I pointed at a glass cup, which was also on fire, with water, that was also on fire. “How did you set that on fire, too?”

“With all of the castle, and most of our duties being postponed until the wedding and wedding reception are completed, Luna and I have decided to have some sisterly bonding. I thought the two of us, with both of us being nearly three thousand years old, would know how to use an oven and a stove… Please don’t ask me how the water caught fire, even I don’t know how we did that.”I walked over to what looked like a microwave and pulled out… something wrapped in tin foil, before slowly turning to Celestia.

“Okay, I barely knew how to cook when I started working at the cafe, your highnesses, and I know metal and microwaves don’t mix.”

“But it’s foil, tin foil-”

“As a changeling that has had to monitor mining changelings, I can safely say foil is metal.” I unwrapped whatever the heck was in the microwave, to find… a burnt piece of microwaveable cake. “You ponies are dumb. If there was a fire, I’m pretty sure any changeling would immediately rush to put it out… Probably. I think some of us are pretty stupid, too.” I looked at the cookbook, reading the ingredients, before nodding.

“Well, I am fireproof, so I wouldn’t have minded the castle burning down. I could use a vacation, afterall,” Celestia hummed while sipping on some tea that was probably burnt.

“And I’m slightly fireproof due to me being an alicorn!” Luna said with a smile. That came to an abrupt stop when I grabbed a baking pan. “Stinky, what are you-”

I walked into a walk-in, before turning into a moose because of how cold it was, and emerged with various ingredients. “I’m going to show you two how to make a proper ice cream cake.” What? Following instructions isn’t that hard.

So even I bucked up. You see, Celestia and Luna tied me up, and on the kitchen counter, was a three layered ice cream cake. Luna was sitting there, pouting, while Celestia had a similar expression. “Explain your witchcraft, changeling. How do you, a creature that hails from a race that doesn’t even eat food, know how to use an oven better than we can?” Luna shouted. I tilted my head, because I also can’t respond; they put tape over my mouth too. I slid my tongue out from the side of my mouth, before it slithered over the tape, and I ate it.

“I’m not a gypsy, your highness. Whatever that is. I think Pinkie may be one, though.” I then ate the rope that was binding me. “Also we changelings know how to use ovens because the Queen demands that we know how to cook a cake whenever she declares it’s her birthday… That’s a lie, cooking cake might bring happiness, which is illegal. No, the cafe I worked at taught me how to use an oven, and following instructions isn’t too hard. You also didn’t even turn the oven on, your highness, you turned the stove on and started cooking cake on it, without any oil to boot.” Stupid, stupid ponies. “Can I go now? You two have a cake to go through, and I have to find a certain, pink alicorn-”

The door flew off its hinges, flying past the three of us, and out the window I had opened, taking some of the wall with it. Shining Armor ran in. “There you are! Cadance was so worried about you! Come on, she wants you to spend the rest of the day with her!” Before I could respond, I was thrown onto the Captain’s back, before he started galloping through the castle. I blinked a couple times, before turning my attention back onto the Royal Sisters we had just left behind, the cake was gone, Luna was yelling with the Royal Voice, and Celestia was getting ready to put the last piece of cake into her mouth.

“Hey Shining Armor, your aunts suck at cooking.”

The soon-to-be prince snorted.“I know. Luna burnt instant noodles the other day by cooking them for six hours by accident, in the microwave.” I blinked a couple of times.

“...What?” Even the Queen isn’t that bad at cooking. At least she can cook a changeling properly!

There’s a New Princess

So, I’m sitting in a hospital room, next to a big, white, blond unicorn that I have just learnt was Princess Celestia’s nephew, whatever that meant. He was just lying there, screaming and crying because he was hurting all over. The Six Scary Mares were there, Rarity was taking pictures while looking like a dog that was staring at a piece of steak, and the rest of her friends looked mildly concerned. Princess Luna was holding me smugly, while Celestia only looked mildly concerned, but deep down, she was as happy… as a lark, whatever a lark is.

“So, how is he, doctor?” Celestia asked a nearby pony in a white coat, who had the name ‘Dcotor Who’ for some reason. I think Celestia was just asking to be courteous.

“Well… Bruised, a couple broken legs, broken nose, there’s a bit of a flag pole that is seemingly inserted into…”

So, while that doctor kept listing all the things wrong with Blueblood, which is his name for some reason. You might be wondering how the heck this big guy ended up in the hospital shortly after Cadance and Shining Armor had a ‘proper’ wedding. Especially with that long list of injuries that kept on piling on, and on, and on. Well… It all started a week ago, when I woke up…

I crawled out from under my bed, in a tuxedo. For some reason, everypony insisted I dress up in a suit, and every mare in the room cooed about how ‘cute’ I looked. Now, Rarity might murder me for some reason, because she told me to take it off before I went to bed, but I didn’t know how to take the suit off. Changelings don’t wear clothes, and we don’t know how to put them on, or take them off. Rarity and Cadance helped with getting me into it and it was just expected of me to take it off after everypony took pictures or tried to pinch my cheeks.

How they pinched my cheeks with hooves was beyond me, and that goes for wearing clothes as well.

After a moment of thought, while staring at that changeling in the mirror, before biting a piece of the pot that held a tree in my room. While I had some pot for breakfast, I figured if somepony might kill me for ruining the suit they made me, then that’s fine. At least then I won’t have to question if these ponies want me dead. Most of the mares in the palace, especially Luna, look at me while smelling like they want to mate. I say most mares because I end up licking female guards on the nose just to see their reaction, and also because they called me cute and deserve to get punished for it.

I walked over to the bed, and up to Soft, who I get to watch over for this week, woo! I shrunk down to the size of an ant, letting my suit fall to the floor, and I crawled out of it. After that, I climbed on the bed while Soft slept in. I pulled her close to me with a foreleg, pulling her closer to me. Mom told me changelings don’t have hearts, but I think I just grew one for it to melt, because this little filly had the audacity to snuggle deeper into my carapace. I started hiccuping from the little gesture. The door clicked open, and the filly’s mother walked in with a tray of food.

“...Why do you have bits of clay and terracotta on your cheeks?” She looked at the pot in the room, which was now missing a decent chunk. “You do know if you waited a little longer, you could’ve had some apple pie, or just an apple, and then you can have my filly unknowingly fill you up with love by using you as a teddy bear.”

“...She did use me as a teddy bear the day before yesterday, I turned into a stuffed changeling, and she was so darn happy…” I sighed. “I need to find a way to obtain a filly or a colt,” I rested my head over Soft’s body, tucking her under my neck.

“Hey now, if I did not know any better, I think you were trying to keep my daughter,” Harmonic giggled. “Thank you for taking care of my daughter though, with you, I almost never have to guess if she’s doing alright,” my maid nuzzled me before setting the tray down on the bed. “Though I will be taking a vacation, and I will be taking Soft, so we’ll be gone for about a week. Is that okay with you, oh mighty Stinky?”

“...What’s a vacation? Some changelings told me I had to vacate my den once, and then when I asked what that meant, they just used me as a pillow… The four of us almost became mates because of that,” Breeze blinked a couple times, and I tilted my head. “What? There were only two changelings, me and the other, the other two came in to snag the other-ling. Nobuggy wanted to date the Queen’s son after all.” I then proceeded to eat an apple and save the pie for Soft when she woke up.

“I thought you changelings were going to have a herd…”

“There’s a whole Cluster, Kzkztzitz I believe, that is essentially an entire family; all of them are mates.” Why was Harmonic facehoofing? “What?”

“There’s a whole cluster in your Hive, which is apparently a group of changelings, that’s a herd?”

“What’s that? Like cows? Those live in herds.”

At some point, Mrs. Breeze took Soft for the day, so I was left alone. I was sitting on a bench, in the middle of Canterlot, outside of a library. You see, I now know how to read, and ponies seem to fuss over books, so I might as well try out books. Now, why am I not in the library, reading a book? You see, I don’t know how to take books home, and I don’t know where the Royal Library was, so I asked my usual female guards if they’d escort me to the library. When they asked me about the one in the castle, I was already walking towards the castle gates.

So now I was just sitting outside the library wondering how to rob it of some books. This one book series, called Doing Dare or something stupid like that, seems kinda interesting. That, and for some reason it’s on posters plastered all over the library’s windows. I don’t know how to check books out, whatever that meant, so after some long, hard thinking, I hopped off the bench and walked in. Upon being assured I wasn’t there to hurt anyone, because I was given a collar with ‘Return to Princess Luna if Found’ on a piece of bronze and forced to wear it whenever I left the castle, I was allowed in the library with a smile.

I walked around the library for a minute, pretending like I wasn’t being suspicious, until I just grabbed the whole set of Daring Do books near the front, and jumped out a nearby window.

Sergeant Sharpoint blinked a couple of times as her charge broke through a window after turning his foreleg into a bag, having stuffed a set of children’s books into it, and ran off. The librarian just sat there and blinked a couple of times. “Uh… Good thing this is a public library?” The poor guard sighed. The librarian simply shook their head, before handing the guard a newly printed library card.

“Just give this to that changeling next time you see him, so maybe he won’t break through a window again… Where’d all my suckers go?” The librarian turned to the now empty sucker jar.

I had managed to sneak out a whole thing of suckers, at least two hundred sixty-one suckers, into my mouth and started sucking on them after finding myself a place to sit in the castle gardens, reading a book, which was actually kind of fun, I hummed a tune that would get me hung in the Hive for humming it, until something blocked out the sunlight that was perfectly shining on my butt. “Huh?” I looked up to see a blond dude, a tall, blond unicorn staring down at me in disgust. I took a whiff of the air… Pride, disgust… Doesn’t smell like he has much going on in the brain. He very, very, very, very, very, very faintly smells like Celestia if Celestia rolled around in poop for an hour.

“So you’re that ‘pony’ Aunt Luna was talking about… I must say, something must’ve hit her head. I’m going to let you in on something important, bug,” the Celestia clone said. Before getting up in my face. I had a mouth full of suckers so I couldn’t really respond to whatever he was going to say. “You will never be a noble, you’re a disgusting, ugly, worthless-” I swallowed all of the suckers while he said things that were fairly accurate.

“I kissed both of your aunts on the nose once, they seemed to like me… You smell like Celly, but if she were a piece of dung.” With that, I sat up, booped Blueblood’s nose with mine, before happily trotting off with my newly acquired stash of books. While I was walking away, Blueblood was contemplating what I just did to him, and I started running a little faster when he started screaming and yelling slurs about ponies… for some reason. That’s pretty bucked up, Poopy Face, some foals might hear you.

My guard caught up to me and gave me a weird little card so opened up the book I was reading and used it as a bookmark. Then I started reading while walking, which can only go well.

The next couple days went in a blur, I read all the books, and they all disappeared the next day when I read through them all, but I still had the weird little card i was using as a bookmark, so I ate that. Soft Breeze was sleeping while curled up and using my stomach as a pillow, and I was wearing my suit, since the wedding was today. I was allowed to bring Soft and Ms. Breeze, but apparently their vacation started just before the wedding.

On the bright side, Soft was allowed to sleep with me, and Ms. Breeze… She was sleeping right next to me, using my back as a pillow. My maid let out a yawn before getting up. “I’m certain that everything is in order, Stinky?” My maid asked. She had plucked her daughter off of my stomach and onto her back. “And that I assume that you will be fine without me for the remainder of the month?”

“It is, and I’ll be fine, thank you,” I rolled out of the bed. “I suppose… I should go head towards the wedding. That seems really important,” with that, the two of us shook hooves, and we left our room. After Ms. Breeze locked it and gave me the keys, which she explicitly told me not to eat, she started off on her way, likely to some beach to sip alcoholic drinks on while her daughter played in the sand or something. I sighed, before heading on down to the sun-room, or the room where the wedding was taking place. Hopefully I’ll get to get a nibble of some love; I’ve been full for the last few weeks, but a little bit of romantic love was always a treat.

Well, I didn’t get that nibble, because I fell asleep halfway through the wedding. What it boiled down to was a bunch of words, a promise or two, and a kiss. The problem was Celestia’s little speech about how important it is for two ponies to choose to marry, bound souls, and all that stuff… Her speech lasted exactly thirty four minutes, twenty two seconds, and exactly one millisecond. The only reason why I was even awake was for the wedding reception, which was basically a party with that stupid thing called dancing.

So I was surprised to be put on stage with a microphone after Twilight was done singing about love being in bloom or something. So, like any smart changeling who knows how to sing, I had to make a song on the spot. Luckily, I assumed it had to be love related, so I took a deep breath, before opening my throat and letting out a squeak. I eeped when everypony in the room stopped what they were doing, the music stopped too, and all of them stopped to stare at me. “D’aw, he’s nervous, c’mon everypony, let’s give him some encouragement-” Apple Jack walked up to try and pat me on the shoulder, but I backed away after putting the microphone down.

“Uh…” I slowly made my way to a window. “I’m going to go get some fresh air,” I headbutted a window and jumped out of the newly formed hole that my cranium made. I fluttered down into the gardens before finding my tree. I sat on my butt, wondering why these ponies were so nice to me. Their homes got destroyed during the invasion about a month ago, and yet they welcome me with welcome hooves, happily taking me in as one of their own. Was it because they felt bad from my stories about home? I don’t know. I really want my Mom, at least then I would know what to expect everyday.

“There you are, you stupid bug,” oh, it’s the blond pony. “I’ve come to challenge you to a duel!” What’s that?

“As in a dual chocolate bar?” I tilted my head. “I want to just lie here and bask in the sun, please leave me alone,” I said. I was just about to take a nap while I sat pondering the depressing thoughts. “If you want a fight, that’s a really bad idea, since my Mom used to surprise attack me, often to teach me how to defend myself.” Blondie raised his hoof and swung at me. I let the hoof connected with my head, which hurt, but I heard Blond’s wrist crack. With a scream and a shake, he drove the same hoof at my face, only for it to be stopped by green magic.

“W-what the?” Blond looked shocked.

“Well, would you look at that,” oh sweet Chrysalis no. “I see an opportunity to finally speak with my son after not seeing him in five months, and I see a pony trying to beat him to death…” The voice let out a sigh. “Prince Blueblood, I would advise that you do not hit my son in the face while he is relaxing, so I’m going to ask you this once, and only once because I am feeling generous,” from the shadows, a tall, dark figure walked out with a small smile. Of course it was my mother. “Leave my son alone, or I will castrate you.” She let go of ‘Blueblood’s hoof, and the first thing he did was punch me in the face on accident.

The next thing I knew, Blueblood was lying on the floor, screaming, having been castrated in the blink of an eye, then my Mom spent the next six and a half minutes pounding her hooves into Blueblood like a deer. Queen Chrysalis walked over to me, staring down at me with fake disgust. She leaned down and kissed the spots Blueblood had hit, then she winked at me. “We will have more time to talk, but unfortunately a certain, ungrateful mare keeps screaming about her missing genitalia,” with that, my Mom disappeared into the night as ponies came by to see what happened.

Wait, my Mom actually protected me? Wait… she also kissed me on the forehead. What the buck happened to her at the wedding?

Anyways, upon seeing Blueblood, nopony looked at me, and quickly started trying to get Blueblood to the infirmary because he was still screaming.

“And Blueblood was castrated,” the doctor finished. Blueblood finally tired himself out, probably because of the mixture of bloodlost.

“Well, he did assault my changeling, who probably acted out of self defense,” Luna said. “Nopony likes Blueblood anyways; he spent half of last year’s budget on a party for his newly acquired horseshoes that he accidentally dropped off of Canterlot. If nothing else, this might be a new learning experience…” Luna hummed while Celestia was sitting in shock at the long list of injuries, and especially the last injury Blueblood had received. “Once he is conscious and if he won’t die if we take him off of life support, off to the dungeons with him. I caught him doing tax fraud at one point. This is just an opportunity to toss that brat in jail for that.” Luna nuzzled me.

“...Stinky, how did you do so much damage to Blueblood?” Celestia asked. She just ignored what her sister just said.

“I didn’t. He punched me in the face and then my Mom came out of nowhere, I think I saw a changeling teleport near the castle in the last chapter, and only Queens can teleport, so I can guess where she’s been the whole time. Anyways, she told your nephew not to hit me and she did the weirdest thing ever. I think she hit her head, because she stopped Blueblood from hitting me, and actually beat Tartarus into Blueblood. Then she kissed my bruises away instead of laughing at my injuries… If she hit her head and actually became a decent mother, then I won’t complain.”

“How… Did Chrysalis get past security?” Twilight asked, finally taking her eyes off the unconscious prince.

“She did it for half of last year, waiting to kidnap Cadance,” I pointed out. “Nopony noticed; she sent me a letter about how she used Blueblood’s toothbrush to clean some dog poop off of her hooves, since she knows who he is for some reason.” I shrugged. “So I guess sneaking around the castle just to actually protect me isn’t completely out of her skill.” I hummed. “Hopefully Mom stays a decent Mom, it felt… Nice to be protected for once by her.”

Rarity ran off, screaming she must show the photos to the Press or something stupid like that.

Author's Note

Yes, Chrysalis used full sozed hedge sheers to cut off Blueblood’s… Crown Jewels

I Got Dragged to HorseTown

“Why do I have to go back to Ponyville?” I whined, using my fangs to anchor me to the floor. “I don’t want to go back…” You see, my strategy of digging my fangs into the ground to hold myself in place would work like a charm if Celestia wasn’t dragging me behind her. As it turns out, a lady that sits around eating cake all day, is very strong. It probably helped that she apparently used to lead Equestria’s armies on the frontlines. She wasn’t even using magic, Sunbutt just had my tail clenched in her teeth, and she was dragging me through the castle until we eventually reached a hanger where a bunch of chariots were being prepared. Among them were the Elements of Harmony.

You see, Twilight shared the wonderful idea of sending me back to Ponyville for a day so that the citizens could meet a friendly changeling, or a changeling they already knew. “But you have to,” Celestia said. She let go of my tail, spun me around with her magic and looked me in the eyes. “I know you don’t want to go back, but won’t you be excited to see your old coworkers? Or perhaps your cousin Bob that you told me about?” Celestia tilted her head.

“I just want to eat a rock and lie around until Ms. Breeze and her daughter come back. Can’t I do that instead?” I tried to bury my head into the ground, but it was made of solid concrete. Apparently my teeth can cut through solid quartz, but I can't bash apart concrete with my skull.

“Can you please go to Ponyville?” Celestia started giving me something that I’ve heard the male guards speak about something dangerous that mares like to do. Something called Puppy Eyes. I stared up at them for a few moments, before sighing. I nodded, got up off of my stomach, and looked at the trail of destruction that my teeth had made on the floor. There was a long trail of tethered carpet along with a lot of indents and long holes in the ground from whenever I got my fangs lodged into the ground. “Yes! I knew you’d want to go to Ponyville!” Celestia pranced in place before nuzzling me. “Don’t worry, when you come back, I’ll have a reward for you.”

“Sure thing, Celery,” after I passed by her, I nipped Sunbutt’s butt, and the noise she made was interesting. So was the mixture of emotions she was feeling… Why is she ‘turned on’ as stallions say when they get horny? “This is what you get for making me do this.”

Celestia’s mixture of emotions quickly became amusement and smugness instead of embarrassment and the other things. “But you agreed of your own volition.”

I am going to scare the ever living buck out of you, Princess, mark my words. Nopony will stop me.

You know, I could’ve sat with Rainbow Dash and gotten sick from her giant ego, I could’ve sat with Rarity and thrown up after she pounded my face into the chariot for ruining the suit she made for me. I could’ve sat with Twilight, she was scary, but out of all her friends, she was probably the most normal. Apple Jack would’ve also been great, but she doesn’t like me because I’m a changeling and she’s a little racist. So luckily I got stuck in a chariot with her and Pinkie Pie. This way I can get a bit of normalcy, and a stomach ache from how darn happy Pinkie was.

“Hey there, sugarcube,” Apple Jack was rubbing my back, and was actually hugging me. “You alright there? Afraid of heights? Chariot sick?” She asked. “Can’t blame you on that last one, I was the same way the first time I rode one of these things.” Hey, it turns out that Apple Jack actually kinda likes me. My stomach just hurts like Mom kicked it because of Pinkie being Pinkie’s overly hyper, happy self.

“N-no, I’m not flying sick; I have wings after all,” I barely stopped myself from throwing up.

“Oh my gosh! I can’t wait to finally throw you a party for being my first changeling friend, and then a party for Bob for being the first changeling in Ponyville to join a herd!” Pinkie hugged me, and any attempts Apple Jack had made to keep me from throwing up failed. I threw my head over the side and threw up. After I lost today’s breakfast and last night's dinner, I stumbled out the back of the chariot before feeling so much better. I sighed in relief, before taking to the skies and flying besides Twilight’s chariot since it was just her and Spike. “And then hug you, and kiss you, and-”

How is Pinkie still going? Twilight took the time to take a notepad out and start writing down how my wings worked, while Rainbow had an even dumber idea than note taking at four hundred hooves, or thirty miles an hour, or around forty two kilometers for those of you who aren’t ponies. Because despite there being two good measurement systems, ponies have their own, whereas griffins seem to like to not use the metric system because they’re stupid birds that like to boil changelings alive for dinner. Anyways, Rainbow decided to take off and crash right into me. Luckily the two of us were already above Ponyville… We’re flying right down into the Town Hall again…

Rainbow is cheering up a storm on the way down while I began to angle it so I wouldn’t take the blunt of the crash.

“Finally! After that first fire, the second fire, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders destroying the town after a four thousand bit sugar rush, the Town Hall is finally back together-” a Rainbow and Black blur was flying right down into the Town Hall. Hard Labor, the only construction worker in Ponyville, dropped his hat and hammer, thinking his job was done, completely unaware of the destruction that was about to befall the Town Hall for the sixteenth time this month. A loud boom made the construction pony turn around. The Town Hall, all except for the mare’s office, who was very invested in her paperwork, was destroyed once more… Hard Labor sighed before throwing his hat on the ground and stomping it into the dirt.

Thanks to him being an earth pony, the construction hat was one with the ground in thirty seconds.

“I bucking quit! I’m going to a town where a natural-unnatural disaster doesn’t occur once a week! This is the fifth time I fixed that stupid, bucking building.” Hard Labor ran off into the Everfree Forest, never to be seen again. Actually, if you go across the ocean into Prance, you might see a happy construction worker, whose hard, cold labor doesn’t get destroyed at the drop of a hat the moment you turn your back away from it. Hard Labor is happy again…

For now.

“And that, class,” Ms. Cherilee said, holding a pointer up to a short film from the projector she had dug up. “Is why construction workers are so rare in Ponyville. Any questions?” She cheerfully asked before the projector fell apart with a puff of smoke. Ms. Cherilee started picking students and answering questions with a huge smile on her face. This whole scene happened about three years after the events of Well, This Stinks, and there was a pony, changeling hybrid in class. He was Bon Bon’s, Lyra’s, and Bob’s foal. Changelings grow faster than regular ponies.

Pony Changeling Hybrids had fur, big, changeling eyes, and looked mostly like a normal foal… just with fangs, wings, all that fun stuff. They also had a mane and tail that was very similar to a pony’s, which was actually made of hair instead of the same membranes as their wings. Also, because of who his mother was, this particular hybrid had a unicorn horn.

In a weird way, Billy, the changeling hybrid, was very adorable.

“What does the word Buck mean? I hear both my moms say it when Dad is cuddling with them in another room, and I wonder what that means. Even the construction worker said it during that… video.” The hybrid asked. Cherilee had face hoofed upon hearing that question. She forgot to censor that!

And thus, she started to go into the history of cursing.

Present day.

Luckily, I used Rainbow Dash to cushion most of the crash, since it was her stupid idea to tackle me midair. Rainbow was also perfectly fine because her ego came with the thickest skull on anypony that I’ve seen. I crawled out of the crater that now made up the majority of the Town Hall, ignoring what the rest of the Elements were saying, before walking straight to the cafe I used to work at. I turned into the disguise I used while working. “Hello,” I waved, walking in. All my old coworkers were there, and my old boss was sitting behind the counter, staring at me. “Uh…”

“CHANGELING!” Oh, it probably didn’t help that I turned into this disguise right in front of the door. One of my coworkers threw ice in one of the deep fryers we don’t use, and it almost started an oil spill.

“Hey now, I’m still Stink Beatle,” I said, returning to my natural form. “I’ve always been Stink Beatle.” I turned to see a coworker, a teenager, had managed to burn an entire pot of coffee, the pot, the coffee, the coffee maker. Just the whole thing. It was rather impressive to see how badly they messed up because of a changeling walking in. I should find the changeling that scared them into burning kitchen equipment and slap them in the face.

So I slapped myself in the face.

My boss stopped, before hopping around the counter. “Is this some sort of sick joke? Where’s my employee, you bug? You’re the reason-”

“Remember when Stink Beatle said he didn’t want to get paid, but then looked confused when you brought up slavery? That’s because I, Stink Beatle, didn't know what slavery was, didn’t care about what slavery was, and didn’t need money for the most part. I could feed off emotions and that was enough payment for me working here sir,” I shrugged. “I don’t think Luna or Celestia would let me work here now, since Luna considers me her legal property, but since I was in Ponyville anyways, can I work here, again, for the day?” My old boss looked me in the eyes, and was now almost nuzzling my nuzzle with his. Given that my boss was a male, this was a little awkward.

“Holy buck… you’re actually my employee…” My boss started rubbing his chin. “Where the buck were you?”

“In a dungeon cell. The Princesses weren’t too happy with a changeling being-”

“Stinky! That’s where you went… Oh, hey Mr. Brew, how’s your day going?” Twilight asked.

“Good evening, Twilight Sparkle…” Mr. Cold Brew said. “How can me and my employee help you?” Cold Brew nudged me with his elbow.

“...Stinky, this is where you were working?” Twilight asked. I nodded. “...And I stopped you from working here,” she whispered.

“Anyways, boss, this is Twilight Sparkle, you probably met her. Yeah, she figured out I was a changeling and threw me in jail for a few weeks. After being imprisoned, banished, and imprisoned in the place I was banished to, I finally managed to escape the almighty Princess Luna, who would not let me leave her side, since she kept me there with a warm wing, and would often yell at Princess Celestia for doing the same thing more often than she could. I also don’t know if I can keep working here after today,” my horn lit up, and the collar Luna made for me snapped around my neck. “Since the Princesses own me now.” Celestia even added a little tag to the collar, stating she also owns me.

Luna wasn’t happy about that, but obliged with it.

Alicorns are competitive, way too competitive. If it weren’t for Cadance and Shining Armor seeing me as a child, Cadance would probably put a tag on, staking her claim on me.

“...Isn’t that what the Princesses used to stick on consorts in the past?” Twilight asked, having never seen the collar.

“I dunno, why do you ask?”

“...Stinky, you might be the consort of both Princesses, and you don’t even know it!” Twilight shouted, making all my old coworkers and boss stare at me with wide eyes. “Don’t tell me you were sleeping with the Princesses without telling anypony!”

“I did sleep under Celestia’s wing while she read a Daring Do book to me. She’s got a nice reading voice. Luna sometimes cuddles with me, it’s a bit of a pain, having to switch sleep schedules once every other night so one of the sisters can have their turn with me. One day, I’m nocturnal and being used as a literal stuffed animal while Luna does Night Court, the next day I’m Diurnal, doing the same thing, but with Celesita and Day Court.” Everypony looked about ready to burst by the time I was done telling them the story about how I turned myself into a plush version of myself when I first met my maid. And then all of the mares in the room fell over the moment I showed off my plush disguise.

I never got to work in the cafe for the day, so any chance I had at passing the time super easily went and blew up, like a window that was on the receiving end of my head’s velocity.

While everypony was thoroughly trying to restart their brains in my old workplace, I walked out of town, ignoring Twilight’s repeated requests to follow a checklist that I had ate in front of her(she had six back ups, I ate five and almost got muzzled when I tried to eat the sixth). After she had seen my plush disguise, another thing was added which was ‘foalnap Stinky’, why did she want to make me take a nap? I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m not taking a nap.

I wandered around, before remembering my old home. So I walked out of town after telling Twilight that somepony burnt a book in the middle of the marketplace, and I found my hole in the ground that I had initially lived in. I was being followed still, by the rest of Twilight’s friends, so I had just a herd(I think that’s what a herd is, a group of ponies) following me. Sitting outside of the hole was an orange pegasus, a filly at that, sitting out next to a scooter with a wagon. Occasionally a little earth pony with a huge bow would crawl out the hole followed by a unicorn moving bits into the wagon.

“Hey, why are you fillies doing to my hole in the ground?” I trotted up, and all three of them froze. Before they could run, my horn lit up, and I anchored at least one hoof from each filly to the ground. “That was my hole in the ground, why did you take my bits from me from my hole in the ground?” I asked, tilting my head. I wasn’t even mad, I just want to know why three fillies were taking refuge in my home, and stealing money I didn’t want or need.

“We… uh…” the pegasus paused. “Please don’t eat us!” All three of them got to the ground and covered the back of their heads with their hooves. While they were groveling in fear, I could feel the presence of six certain mares behind me. I stood over the three fillies, staring down into their souls. Only the unicorn had the nerve to look up at me, fear filled her eyes. “J-just don’t move and the changeling will leave us alone,” the pegasus whispered. She seemed to be the little leader of the little group.

Apple Jack spoke up behind me. “Okay, that’s enough, Stinky, don’t you dare-”

I knelt down, scooped all three fillies up, and proceeded to blow raspberries into each one of their bellies at record speeds. I then did exactly that, as fast as I could, for three minutes straight, tickling the ever living buck out of these children. When I was done, I had three giggling fillies, using the side of my stomach as a pillow while they caught their breath and kept on giggling. “I don’t really care about bits, so you can keep using them, but next time you find a hole in the ground, be mindful; a changeling might own it and might not be as okay as I am with you foals stealing their property.” The three of them nodded.

“...So you aren’t going to eat us?” The pegasus asked, funnily enough, she was now laying in my forelegs.

“No, ponies don’t taste good. I wouldn’t know, since I haven’t met any ponies until about a month ago, but I don’t think they’d taste good. Also, killing foals sounds like a horrible, nightmare inducing experience. Plus, I could just play with foals instead, which is way more fun and a better experience…” The earth pony filly got up and looked at my butt.

“Hey! He doesn’t have a cutie mark!” She pointed out.

“Let’s take our changeling crusading with us!” The pegasus said. The next thing I knew, I was thrown into the wagon and dragged across town doing various things. It didn’t matter, since it ended up with half of a tree being burnt down, and only half of a tree. What did matter, is that I got three offers to foalsit, whatever that meant, since I actually stopped them from attempting to get cutie marks that involved juggling chainsaws… by magically exploding any chainsaws that these adorably stupid fillies might try to juggle.

By convincing them to go try and get changeling hunting cutie marks, I stopped their more dangerous crusading, while using pillows. Guess who got their butt handed to them by three fillies?

Me. It was fun.

Eventually I was released from the Cutie Mark Crusaders, as they call themselves, and was free to go. After Twilight had found me, and after I ate her sixth checklist when she wasn’t looking, she asked me if I could lead her to the other changeling I told her about. Upon being in a close enough proximity to them, the Hive Mind started kicking in. “Bob? How has nopony found you yet?” I asked in the Hive Mind as I walked towards a random house.

“I dunno, I don’t care, I have two mates, and I’m happy. Hey, you might wanna be careful when you enter the home, me and my mates are… having a bit of a fun time on the couch.” Bob responded through the mind. I stopped, but Twilight kept going in, unlocking the door with her magic, she paused, before promptly turning around, and emptying her stomach into a bush near the front door. I peeked in, low and behold, two mares were standing over a changeling and the things I saw them doing to each other made me wonder why I didn’t just cut my eyes out.

I soon joined Twilight in throwing up into the bush, before running off to the chariots. I want out of this town. “I said to be careful!” Bob shouted in the Hive Mind before I got too far away for our minds to stay linked, only to be swooped up by Rainbow Dash as soon as she spotted me, and then I was dragged in front of a crowd of ponies and what looked like a starting line

According to the laws of aviation, there should be no way a changeling should be able to fly, their wings are too small to get it's horribly not aerodynamic body off the ground, but changelings do it anyway despite what ponies may think. In fact, ponies can fly and their bodies are basically knock-off changeling bodies. Changelings… We aren’t built for being fast. Sure, we can plummet towards the ground, or run as fast as an earth pony for about thirty seconds before we fall over. Changeling wings, unlike feathered pegasi wings, were built for endurance rather than speed.

So you can imagine how I felt when Rainbow Dash asked for a race, but because of my wings, I barely got halfway to the finish line until I got lapped six or seven times. Each time, I asked what us being two different races had to do with me getting from one point to another faster than the chromatic equine. Anyhow, I lost, and I fell on the ground after getting over the finish line. I just laid there, chin in the dirt, staring at Rainbow Dash while her giant ego made me almost throw up for the third time today.

Upon being sent home, I bypassed any and all security by flying up to the balcony that I know is Celestia’s. I know her schedule, by the way, in and out. It’s something I picked up on for Luna, since she wanted to know exactly when and how to prank her older sister. I got up close to the bathroom door, to hear Celestia singing a song that she said ‘The Pony Tones’ wrote or something. While she was happily singing away, I walked back from the door, before placing my head on the door. I knocked once. “Oh? Luna, are you trying to scare me again?” Celestia asked in a little sing-song voice.

In all seriousness, Celestia has a nice singing voice. So I let her go back to singing for approximately ten more seconds, since she seemingly forgot that anypony knocked on the door. After thinking about it, and taking a book from her bookshelf and putting it back in the wrong place, I walked back over to the bathroom door before taking a deep breath. I bashed my head into the door, going right through it.

I pulled back and stuck my face through. “Here’s Stinky!” I shouted. Celestia screeched and her horn lit up, and I got hit in the face by a telekinetic spell, and sent flying right into a wall. Ow. don’t scare alicorns, it can result in concussions.

So, Mom Came.

Beep…

Beep…

Beep…

So, I received a bit more than a concussion when I scared Celestia. When I scared her, I might’ve also hissed a couple of changeling curses, such as ‘Kizzzkt’ and ‘kzzrtz’. So logically, since Sunbutt is really smart, probably knows a few changeling words even if she literally cannot vocally reproduce them. Anyways, since I scared and cursed at the Princess while possibly breaching the family friendly tone of the chapter, I think she put a little more power into the spell she hit me with. Because I have a broken rib, or three, a concussion, a cracked headplate, my wings will be broken until I molt shortly after my recovery.

And my leg hurts. Which one? Just one of my legs, it wasn’t Lefty, it wasn’t Back Lefty, and it wasn’t Righty, so since I can barely remember what left and right was, I couldn’t name my hindleg on the right.

I hurt all over, mostly around my chest, my head, and my brain. I was connected to a bunch of machines that you’d think ponies wouldn’t have given their mostly primitive, everyday technology. I was laying on my back, in a bed, a blanket was pulled up to my forelegs, and I was just feeling great. Mostly because this weird thing, that was connected to me, kept going beep at a weird rhythm. I liked that rhythm because it was on beat with a changeling song, one we found after a weird portal opened up. It was in Equish, but we changelings liked it anyways despite most of us not even knowing the words.

Something about Discord napping on a summer afternoon. It was a catchy song. Maybe Discord is off in that dimension, being an actually decent person-

Discord looked around the Planet Earth, smiling. He had just saved the planet from a six mile long meteor, and he felt… good. The world that he was confined to, the one he made as a stone statue, was nice. Kinda. It was chaotic, and he loved it, so he kept it safe. On occasion, he would make a random ‘government official’ die randomly to spark a war. But recently, he decided to be nice and save the world he had started to call home. Which is why he threw such a tantrum when he was freed; he wanted to see what these weird, hairless apes would do, and when he returned to Equestria and was trapped again, a century had passed in this world. Now everypony was worshiping a thing called Pasta Monster, or something.

Discord took a sip of his lemonade that was actually made with lime, another chaotic invention from these apes. “It feels good to be home.

I lied around, since I woke up to an empty room, besides Luna and Celestia sleeping, cuddled up next to each other, in a chair that was clearly too big for the two of them(under Celestia’s weight, the hoofrest was broken). I looked around, noting that Twilight and her friends were there too. I, on the other hoof, sat there humming the notes while I started chewing on a piece of the metal railing that was on my bed. I think I was supposed to rest my hooves on it, but I didn’t want to do that. I also hated being on a bed; it’s not cramped enough up here!

There were only three occasions where I would happily forego sleeping underneath a bed. The first was with either of the Princesses present, since I often cuddled with them. Next was wih Ms. Breeze and her daughter, and lastly was whenever Royal Guardsmare would catch me off duty and take me to her room. Oddly, the last one was always happy to cuddle with me, even if there was a slight bit of disappointment in the air when we did it. Oh yeah, there was a fourth time when Fluttershy made me sleep on the bed because I banged my ankle with a crowbar on accident while trying to open my bedroom door that wouldn’t open.

No, my door was not locked, it just wouldn’t open because I ate the handle, while drunk on whatever the buck Pinkie Pie is running on, at one point.

Something called Coltcane.

Anyways, sleeping on beds is awful. I hate it. I want to go crawl under the bed, but I know Celestia will give me the same look Mom would give me whenever I asked something stupid. So I just laid there, and started chewing on the thing that went ‘beep’ whenever I breathed.

I woke up again to Celestia and Luna, both sitting beside each other. Since they were both freakishly tall, which admittedly, made their legs very nice, they could rest their chins on the bed very easily while laying down. So the two of them were side by side, both of their heads resting on the bed, watching me. I blinked a couple of times, they blinked a few times, and then Celestia was the first to break the trance of the three of us just staring blankly at each other.

“Stinky, are you alright?” She asked, her voice was drenched in sorrow.

“Yeah, I just have several injuries, and my head hurts a lot,” I said, rolling onto my side. I siffed the air. “Stop being sad, you two,” I said sternly. “It smells unpleasant, almost as unpleasant as you two smell when you both pretend to be happy to see the griffin king, or dealing with nobles in court. I was an idiot and tried to scare an alicorn, while being fully aware that I can’t conjure up a magical shield, and I paid for it,” I rolled onto my chest, using my forelegs to drag me over until I was nose to nose with the Royal Pony Sisters. I nuzzled both of them. “I still love you both, and I’m fine; I’m still alive, aren’t I?”

Luna raised her head. “Yes, I suppose, but I would rather you not be bed ridden; I would rather you be following myself or my sister, happily skipping around the castle or taking care of another foal,” Luna gave a lunar level side eye to her sister. “My sister has been on edge since the Royal Wedding, and is probably why she immediately tried to attack you…” Luna then glared at me. “After you broke, threw a solid, wooden door with your face, which would set off a jumpy alicorn.” Her emotions were beginning to feel like Mom when I almost got eaten by a wolf once. In other words, she was concerned for me. “Now, explain to me why you jumpscared my sister?”

“She sent me to Ponyville and I had to ride with those six psychos,” I said flatly.

“Oh come on now, I’m sure the Elements cannot be that bad,” Celestia said with a smile.

“I got tackled midair by Rainbow Dash. We crashed into the Town Hall and blew it up. That was the first thing that happened upon my return to Ponyville, your highness. I left before anypony could throw me a party, whatever that is.”

“Oh… Oh dear,” Celestia whispered. “I think you may get foalnapped soon.”

What? Why?

Pinkamina Diane Pie stood in the sugar cube corner, her usually fluffy and puffy mane was flat, sitting there with a mad grin on her face. Around her was a bunch of party decorations, games, even a cake with liquid love in it. It was supposed to be Stinky and Bob’s changeling party, while Bob had shown up a week ago, Stinky had not, having fled to Canterlot. She pulled out a burlap sack, a rope, and with a manic smile, she grabbed a train ticket she had acquired earlier today, and started heading to the train station. “I’M COMING FOR YOU STINKY!”

I sneezed a couple of times, somebody’s talking about me.

So, it’s been about a day since I woke up in the hospital. I managed to eat the machine that was going beep because it was getting annoying. I’m not in a hospital because I need to hear something say ‘beep’. I’m in here because everything hurts and I was thrown into a wall by a jumpy alicorn. Right now, I was staring up at a Changeling Queen, or rather, my mother. She was sitting beside me, wearing a sweet little smile. Somehow she had snuck into the castle again, this is the third time now, to see me. “You should’ve told them that love fuels a changeling’s healing; you’re fully healed,” she said. Oh. She’s right.

I’m all good.

“Why are you here?” I asked. “To inject me with random chemicals?”

My mother cringed. “Ew, what?”

“...You don’t remember doing that to Jeff on Hearth’s Warming because he asked for a hug?” I tilted my head. Seriously Mom, Jeff was my second favorite two times removed cousin. Aside from Bob.

“Oh… I forgot I was disguised as Queen Chrysalis, that horrible monster of a Queen,” the thing in front of me was enveloped in changeling fire, before revealing… A Queen that looked almost exactly the same. Except her mane was longer. She looked younger, and a little prettier. Her eyes were a nice, deep blue rather than an acidic green. “I am Queen Forial, your actual mother. I have been looking for you for the last decade. Your… ‘mother’, Queen Chrysalis stole you while invading my Hive when you hatched,” the Queen smiled. “It is good to see that you are nice and healthy… and you are somehow a consort of both Princess Luna and Celestia!” She clapped her hooves. “I do hope you and Luna hit it off; I would love grandnymphs. Though if you marry your maid, I would get a granddaughter, and I would also like that…” She clapped her hooves together, likely dreaming of how to spoil my theoretical offspring.

It’s weird to see a Changeling Queen actually act like a normal mare, after being raised by an apparent psychopath.

“So that’s why you’re acting like…” I took a sniff. “A mother… I thought Queen Chrysalis landed head first, and became a decent changeling after receiving some blunt-force head trauma.”

The Queen before me laughed. “Oh no, she’s preparing to invade Canterlot again after hearing the news about you being a Consort. She thinks this was your whole, grand scheme to try and overthrow her at the Hive, even though I’m sure you don’t even know what you’re doing.” I had just a part of my blanket during part of our conversation. It tasted good.

“Oh.” I paused. “What’s a consort?” My mother paused, and giggled. “What?”

“Oh, you poor, poor thing. You don’t even know what that is because you weren’t an infilitrator, were you?” I shook my head. “Basically, you are a very important changeling to the Princesses, and ‘consort’ is used for ponies, or changelings, or whatever the buck the Princesses fancies, as a legal way of saying they are taken; Celestia and Luna might want you as their mate. How you managed to sway them, I will never know.”

“Celestia says I look cute when I rest my chin on the table. And Luna apparently likes my butt,” I said.

“Well, ponies are strange creatures, but you are a handsome little changeling, my son,” Florial backed up from me and pranced in place. “Oh! I cannot wait! I always wanted to hold a picnic with you, but I couldn’t until I found you! I can… Be your mother,” she nuzzled me. “I would like to say… I’m sorry for what my cousin, Queen Chrysalis, did to you while growing up. She was always a bit deranged and sociopathic… And murderous, and straight up evil. She likes pineapple on pizza.” Florial hopped up on the bed, lifted me up, and rested me on the side of her belly. It felt… so nice. “Worry not, Beatle, I will keep you safe in the oncoming invasion, and I have my Hive hidden beneath Canterlot to give aid to ponies. I believe it is time that our Hive becomes an ally of Equestria.”

I nodded blankly… this felt natural. And a sniff of the Queen I was using as a pillow… She wasn’t lying. This was Mother, I couldn’t help but shed a tear, this felt nice. On top of that, she didn’t smell like Chrysalis, who always smelled a little like poop. And anger, hatred, blood, and changeling blood. Yes, changeling blood has a different scent from other creatures’ blood. Florial smelled like flowers and some obviously fake, cheap perfume. “Can we play catch with a baseball?”

I always wanted to do that with Chrysalis, but she threw the baseball in my eye and took a photo of it right when I got hit in the eye. I never asked to play catch with her again.

My mother chuckled. “Of course we can. Oh, I cannot wait to reintroduce you to the rest of the Hive! They will love to know that their Prince is alive and well!” she licked my face, and I melted into her grooming of my carapace. I started to purr. And of course, I yelled ‘shut up, Mom!’ when I got teased for purring.

Somebody knocked on the door, my mother and I were playing checkers, and she was letting me win in whatever, various board games we played together. I did one happy dance after winning a game of checkers, and Florial started letting me win games more. “Kzzrtz, Kzrrr,” I groaned. “Mom, somebody’s going to kill you if they see you,” I got up and started nudging her. “Please hide somewhere, I don’t wanna lose my Mom, the one that actually likes me.”

“No, I don’t think I will…” My mother glared at me. “And watch your language, young bug, that's a slur used on southern changelings and you know it!” I shrunk back at her scolding. She then nuzzled me and gave me a reassuring smile. “What these Princesses don’t know is that I am stronger than Chrysalis is when she is fully charged with love. After all, somebody had to keep her in check while growing up, and as her older cousin, I was the one that stepped in. Now, don’t you worry your little head about me; I can fend for myself. Now the question is, will they hurt you? Because I will shove a flagpole up their rear end, just like I did with Blueblood.” The door cracked open and Celestia poked her head in. “Ah, Princess Celestia, it has been a while since we last spoke. About a century when we’ve had a cup of tea together… and shared a bed together. How are you?”

Celestia glared at the Changeling Queen before her, before her eyes widened. “What does sharing a bed mean? Like when I cuddle with Luna?” Both Mom and Celly paused before turning to me. Mom forgot what was going on to explain what that meant.

“We were lovers, Beatle, mates.” Florial answered. “Chrysalis sure did keep you sheltered, despite probably prying your carapace open.”

“She did! And she dumped vinegar onto my bicep when she did that!” Florial shook her head. Smoke erupted from her ears, making even Celestia flinch in shock.

“When I get my hooves on Chrysalis, I am smashing her head into a wall until there is merely a stub left.” Mom then nuzzled me on the cheek.

“Florial,” Celestia interrupted. “While I am glad for the visit, why are you here? After we both ended our relationship off, as friends, you never came back.” Celestia’s wings and ears drooped. “I missed you, you know.”

“Oh, I did, I just never showed myself. Sometimes I would leave a present for you, perhaps a home baked cheesecake with chocolate drizzled onto it, with marshmallows dotted over it, topped with some whip cream? I made those for you once a year, every year of the one century we shared together.” My mother hummed. “You were always so happy, because it wasn’t even the fanciest cake you’ve eaten, or the best, you just loved it because I made it for you.” Florial chuckled. “Good times, don’t you say?”

“They were, I’ve had a number of changeling lovers, but you had to be one of my favorite. Unfortunately, those of us that are immortal cannot remain in love forever; but such is life,” Celly said with a sad, little smile.

Flarial gave her a sly grin. “And now you’re dating my son.”

“Actually, I just made…” Celestia stopped. “Your son?” She slowly looked at me. “That, is your son? How!? He said his mother was Queen Chrysalis.” Florial started laughing.

“Oh no, she foalnapped him when he was born. I am here for a number of reasons, to see my son again, love my son, and to help you for the upcoming war that Chrysalis plans on doing. You see, we Queens are pretty tight-knit since most of us are related to each other. Chrysalis was yelling about how her child got found in Canterlot, and how he was now Equestrian royalty or something. Given how most of her mates ran away from her after realizing how psychotic she is, I doubt she actually has children of her own. Most, if not all, of the changelings in her Hive aren’t even hers, only joining her because she happens to be a very powerful Queen.” Florial pointed at me. “And because you have ‘her son’, she’s going to invade Canterlot again.”

“Of course, the rest of the Queens don’t like Chrysalis, so none of us are helping her. I’ve got my own Hive, and two others hiding under Canterlot right now, and we plan on capturing and killing that awful bug. With me as her executioner for taking my child, torturing him, and stunting his growth! He could’ve gotten a proper education and be intelligent-”

“Mom, no I wouldn’t. I failed my IQ test when Chrysalis gave me one.”

“...How do you fail that?”

“Chrysalis snatched it away from me after I answered one question, since changelings aren’t allowed to be smart, especially drones.” I tilted my head. “Why do you both smell like you’re going to kill somebuggy?” I asked.

“Celestia, let us go… negotiate our allyship, maybe even rekindle our relationship in another room. We should let my son get some rest.” Flarial said that, summoning a book about torturing a changeling. Celestia nodded.

“I agree, I am quite looking forward to what page fifty four of your treaty says…” They’re going to peel Chrysalis like an orange and boil her like a… What do you boil? Crustatations? Changeling Queen, I guess is the only thing you boil besides a regular drone. The two of them walked side by side, reading a few pages quietly, out the door.

So, I was left alone, in my room, with a Daring Do book I was chewing on, because I read it and it kinda sucked. Why do ponies like this again? It’s written like something a nymph would read. I mean, who would dare write this and call it literature? It had just called a poem that was written in changeling, a bunch of scribbles that was probably not written by an intelligent being! I threw the book out the window, where it actually split in two halves upon me doing so. I tilted my head before grabbing a secret, emergency sledgehammer from under my pillow, and walked up to the window before breaking both sides with it. Windows are made for breaking, not for splitting in half!

“Come out Stinky! I have to throw a party for you!” Huh? Who’s that? “I know you’re in there!” I titled my head, before walking up to the door and opening it. The next thing I knew, a sack was thrown over my head, and I was dragged out of the castle, bumping my head on every single stair we went up and down.

And then the sack was taken off my head and we were inside of a weird bakeshop. “Welcome to Sugarcube Corner!” Pinkie Pie said, she was her usual, cheerful self. There was a crowd of ponies inside the building with us. Bob was there two, cowering under a table with two mares. “The first game is dunk the changeling, and since I can’t find Bob, we’re just going to have to dunk you instead!”

I titled my head. “What the buck is a party?” Pinkie stopped. She slowly looked me in the eyes.

“So you didn’t skip my party on purpose?” She gasped. “And you don’t know what parties are?”

“...Why else would I ask what a party is? Is that where you Part and E? What does the E stand for?” I soon was educated on what a party was, and actually enjoyed myself.

I Have a Sister Too, I guess

I woke up under my bed, my mother was curled up around me, lightly snoring as she slept in. While I had dinner with her last night, I learnt a lot of things. Changeling parents, almost always, sleep with their offspring even long after their offspring are of age. Mine never did that since my ‘parent’ was Queen Chrysalis and she’s an asshole. Whoops,. I swore, so it’s no longer as family friendly, but there isn’t a better word for Chrysalis, since according to Forial, and two other changeling Queens, who were here to aid Equestria for the upcoming invasion, the Badlands Hive just had horrible living conditions. Mom’s Hive in particular had school districts, farms, and an actual economy that used raw materials as a back bone.

So, I was just sitting there, telling the other Queens, Celestia, Luna, and Cadance a few things. Mostly what happened with Chrysalis once used a drone as a meat shield when a bear tried to eat her. Not because she couldn’t just blast it, but because she thought it would be funny.

Mom took out a sledge hammer, before eying it, before she cheerfully showed me an apple pie she baked.

Oh yeah, changelings don’t need love to survive apparently. It can be used as a substitute for food, but food worked just as well for changelings as love did. Though changelings that survived exclusively on solid food couldn’t perform magic. The only true thing was changelings drones were incapable of defensive magic, and complex combat spells took too long to be practical. So, most of my life as a changeling is a lie, so that’s fun.

Mom woke up soon after I did, and pulled me closer. “How did you sleep, Beatle?” Also, Mom used my actual name instead of ‘Stinky’.

“I slept,” I said bluntly, snuggling deeper into my mother’s embrace.

“Did you sleep well? Not if you slept at all.”

“Oh. What does that mean?” Florial shook her head.

“When I get a hold of Chrysalis, I am going to skin her for making you so socially awkward,” she sighed. “Do you ache all over? Like you slept in a bad position?” I shook my head. “Then that means you slept well.” Oh.

“Did you sleep well?” I asked.

“Of course; I have my child, and we’re sleeping under a bed like changelings should.” She pulled out a baseball and a pair of gloves for it. “Would you like to play catch?” I nodded before walking towards the window. “Ah, if we’re going to go through the window, we have to do it in style; it’s the changeling way!” Mom grabbed a chair before throwing it through the window. It shattered into a million pieces, and the two of us jumped out the window.

Mom did several frontflips before landing, and I landed in a nearby fountain. The two of us proceeded to play fetch together.

Shortly after playing catch for three hours, Mom had to go to a special meeting with her, Celestia, and the two other Queens. I, on the other hand, planted my rump in the ground, and sat there for a few moments. I sniffed the ground before taking a mouthful of dirt and swallowing it. That was a bad idea, because now my mouth tastes like dirt… I threw it up and covered it with the baseball glove I still had on before wandering around the gardens for an hour.

Well, I would’ve if I didn’t bump into a tall, black alicorn. I planted my butt back down as I studied her. She had dragon-like eyes, had moon armor, and had a similar, starry mane to Luna. The mane difference was the size in the mane, and how much it flowed in the nonexistent wind. I sat and stared up at her… She has fangs. I slowly got up and off my butt and slowly started backing away. I’m no genius, but I think I’ve seen a photo of this mare before.

Moon MareNight, the Mare in the Moon.

Or was it Moon in the Mare?

“What are you doing out here, you bug!?” She shouted.

“I’m uh…” I kept backing away, but for every five steps I took back, MoonNight Mare took one step forward and made up that distance. Nightmare Moon started laughing like a maniac as she knocked me on my back. “Mommy!” I tried to scamper away, maybe, just maybe I’ll live another day if I eat enough dirt to end up in Maregolia.

A camera went off.

“Oh, that was priceless!” Nightmoare Mon’s laugh became far less maniacal and more normal. I don’t know if that was scarier or better. Soon, she was enveloped in light, and Luna took her place. She was giggling behind a hoof, and I noticed Rainbow Dash in a bush with the camera. I blinked a couple of times, and had a thought. Luna just scared me… I don’t like that. While the Alicorn and Rainbow Dash started laughing, I took the camera and the photo it had produced to look at it.

“H-hey,” Rainbow said in between laughs. “Give-“ I ate the camera, it had a really nice crunch, and licked the photo a couple of times… Oh, that tasted good. I swallowed that too. I continued sitting there, glaring at Luna.

“Oh come on, Stinky, you have to admit that was funny,” Luna giggled.

Immediately, sixteen to eighty seven changelings came out and piled on Luna. Celestia, Mom, and two other Queens came out from a bigger bush while giggling up a storm. “That is how you do a prank, sister,” Celestia snickered as the Lunar Princess tried to get past the vast changeling pile.
It didn’t work.

Rainbow thought she was safe, but I lunged on her and pinned her down. I spun around and plopped my butt down. She was now trapped.

“Hey! Let me go!” Rainbow Dash started to squirm. “Look, can’t we all just…” I laid down, resting my head on top of hers. She stopped complaining after that, her wings ruffled a bit, and she sighed. “I suppose this isn’t too bad… Changelings are weirdly soft for being literal bugs.”

Luna slowly crawled out from under the pile of changelings, her mane was in disarray, her crown, necklace, and each of her shoes were missing. In the pile, I could see that one changeling had her crown, another had the necklace, and her four horseshoes were distributed amongst four different changelings. The pile dispersed, leaving those six, and one extra changeling. Luna continued to lay on the ground, her tail was messy, and had stopped flowing. “Remind me to not scare Stinky again, how did you arrange an army so quickly, Queen Florial?”

“I didn’t, I just knew you and Rainbow Dash were nearby, and saw you two snickering behind a bush. So I gathered my fellow Queens and your sister, and a small battalion of drones.” One of the other Queens walked up to me and Rainbow, and laid on her belly in front of us.

“You are right, Florial, Beatle is quite the catch,” she chuckled. I forgot her name at some point, mostly because I slumped over in my chair during dinner last night.

“Matripace, I know that you would like to date a Prince, with you being as young as you are, but refrain from peeking at my son’s rear end. I believe our friends, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have already laid their claims.” I crawled off Rainbow Dash shortly afterwards, before crawling over to Luna. Look, she looked awful and worn out; I felt bad for her even if she scared me. I nipped her for trying to send me to the moon, though, I need oxygen to not die, and I don’t think outer space would have that.

The changeling wearing Luna’s crown giggled to herself before prancing around with the thing like a nymph. Up until she bumped into Mom and she giggled slightly while backing away.

“Just make sure you return Luna’s crown by the end of the week, Skitters, or before Chrysalis’s invasion,” Florial nuzzled her. Skitters nodded before happily hopping up on Celestia’s back, just to steal Celestia’s crown, and also put that on her head too. “That’s your sister by the way, you two will meet soon.”

So, there I was, sitting in a sitting room because ponies love having rooms dedicated to stupid things., sitting across from Skitters. She still had Celestia and Luna’s crown, and had managed to obtain Mom’s crown as well. We were sitting across from each other, Skitter was sipping on hot chocolate, while I sat and was eating cocoa powder out of a pouch because I had no clue as to how I would be able to make it into a liquid. Skitter put her cup down. “So, you’re my long, lost brother?’ She asked, tilting her head.

“According to Mom, yeah.” I dropped the act I usually put up. “It… this is all kinda weird. First, my Mom is Chrysalis, who is a psycho, all my cousins are basically dead. Then my actual mother comes out of nowhere, and I suddenly have a sister..” I tilted my head, examining her. She looked like a miniature version of Mom, had the same eyes, same hair, she was just shorter and had a shorter horn to match. “You’re kinda pretty,” I laid down in my chair. “That’s a normal thing to say to your sibling right?”

“It is, as long as you don’t find me attractive. Then something is wrong since we have instincts that make it impossible for us to see each other as attractive.” Skitters hummed while looking at me. “Yeah, I can see why some of the other females wanted to try and get you in their den.” Her wings buzzed. “Well, I always wanted a little brother, but you’re apparently older than I am if my nose isn’t lying to me,” she clapped her hooves together. “Let’s go pick a random guard and terrorize them with a bunch of pranks!”

“What are pranks?”

“Jeez, I knew Chrysalis made having fun illegal in her Hive, but she made pranks illegal too?”

“Yeah, pranks sound like fun, so they’re illegal. Happiness is also illegal.” Skitters snorted and put me on her back. Despite me being older, according to her, she’s a lot taller than I am, almost at Luna’s height. “Am I a midget?” I asked.

“No, usually with changelings, females are the dominant sex in Hives; we’re usually bigger, stronger, and more capable with magic. there is just more of a discrepancy between you and I because I am Princess; we tend to be bigger because usually we end up taking over the Hive if our mother passes away.” I paused.

“…Mom’s gonna die?” I asked. I wanna keep Mom! I just found her again!

“No! Of course not! Just… if anything happens to her, one of her children takes over, in this case, since I'm technically not a drone like you are, I would take charge… You are also a midget, since you’re shorter than any male I’ve seen.” Dangit! I don’t wanna be short! I wish I could just magically make myself taller, but I don’t know how to do that.

So there we were, sitting in front of one of the female guards, who was looking confused. Skitter had turned into me upon seeing the poor mare around the corner. She copied everything, from leg-hole placement, to the necklace I made out of an old bit, and put Celestia’s crown, which she still had, on her head, and Luna’s crown on mine. The guard stared at us, and each time she blinked, my sister and I would close one eye, slowly open it, and close the other one. “I don’t know if I should offer to take one or both of you to bed. Or if I should chase you both for having the Princess’s crown.” The guard scratched the back of her head.

“That’s weird, I didn’t think you’d want a herd with two of the same changeling,” my sister said with her normal voice.

“S-Stinky? I didn’t know you were a mare.”

“I’m not,” I said.

“Why are there bucking two of you? Why the buck do you have the Princess’s crown?” The guard’s panicking brought a bunch of other guards, all of whom were now tilting, cocking, or just scratching their heads as they tried to decipher what was going on. “Seriously, what is going on here?”

“I am Princess of the Night,” I said, making a dress appear on my figure and twirling. “So of course they run in fear and fright! They feel threatened and unsure!”

My sister turned into Celestia. “So let’s heighten your allure!”

Two Royal Pony Sisters, the Princess of Love and her husband, the Elements of Harmony, and three Changeling Queens sat around a crystal ball. They were watching Stinky and his newly discovered sister do a musical number that sounds like it was taken from a twisted, bucked up version of their actual reality. Luna was snickering as both changelings used towels they had pulled from… somewhere to slap each other midway through singing.

Meanwhile, the battalion of guards were just sitting there, you could see the loading bars in their eyes as they were processing changelings, in the form of their Princesses, singing and dancing in a very strange way. Soon, the changelings stopped their musical number, and a squad of them dropped from the ceiling. All changelings present, Stinky included, bent their knees and started swaying from side to side while slowly approaching the guards.

“Should we stop them?” Cadance asked? Not even the narrator was sure if she was asking or joking. “On one hoof, this is hilarious, on the other, they’re breaking the guards’ brains.” The incoming, bent-knee-squad of changelings that were now approaching the highly trained, highly skilled individuals started running like fillies upon being slowly approached by the incredibly weird pseudo-equine force.

Florial giggled. “My children are just making up for lost time; I’m just glad they aren’t doing it to my legion of guards; they would be coming to me for hugs and snuggles in fear of what my children were doing. Or just join in like they are right now.”

Shining Armor sat and stared at the crystal ball. “All those guards were guards I trained myself…” He looked up at his aunts in law. “Are they all this incompetent?”

“Yup! I knocked one out with a cupcake once!” Pinkie said, before throwing one at Shining Armor and knocking him out. It turns out that incompetency is magically implanted into guards. “That’s the second one!” Nopony even batted an eye at how the highest ranking officer of the Guard, who has the strongest shield spell in all of Equus, was knocked out by a cupcake. Twilight did run a diagnostic spell to make sure he wasn’t dead, since anything was possible with Pinkie Pie.

“I brought popcorn at least,” Florial took out a bunch of microwaveable bags of popcorn. “And I prepared them this time, because I saw Celestia try to microwave a bowl of cereal and she left the spoon in the bowl once.”

“That was one time.”

“You saw a trick for making oatmeal in the newspaper with cereal, and you wanted oatmeal for some reason. You did that when we had instant oatmeal in a box right next to the microwave.” Florial sighed. “Of course, you blew it all up with that stupid trick, and I had an entire kitchen and staff built and highered to keep you from doing that again. Please tell me that you learnt how to cook in my absence.”

“...Your son walked into my private kitchen and found a cup of water that was on fire, along with the water in the cup?” Celestia shrugged. “Okay, so I can’t cook anything other than pancakes. Is that so bad?”

“...You aren’t allowed in the kitchen anymore,” Flarial slapped Celestia with a newspaper. “Each time you think about it, I will correct you into thinking otherwise.” Celestia crossed her forelegs and huffed.

“That. Was. Bucking. Priceless!” Skitters clapped her hooves. “You, my brother, caught on quickly when it comes to pranking.”

“To me it just seems like we made a guard pass out while the others fled in fear.”

“Well, it’s not my fault that the Equestrian Guards, no matter if they’re freelancers or work for the Crown, are incompetent. If you want to, I bet you could knock Shining Armor out with a potato and not even struggle while doing it.” Somewhere in the distance, a knocked out Shining Armor squirmed in his sleep. “Besides… We didn’t actually hurt anypony, so it’s fine.”

“Yeah, I suppose. That was really, really fun,” I shivered. Skitters pulled out a chocolate bar that easily snapped into two, and she gave me a piece. We both happily indulged in the treat while the other changelings started to crawl to and fro, doing changeling things such as sniffing everything in the room. To occasionally licking things, and… Oh, they don’t like eating carpet. I think I tried it once, and figured I should just let Rainbow Dash do that instead.

What? She looks at Apple Jack all the time while smelling like she wants to mate.

So, me, Mom, and my sister were all sitting on the bed in my room, across from Harmonic Breeze who had finally come back from vacation. Mom and her were having a nice conversation while I pouted with my forelegs crossed. You see, Soft Breeze is back, and I was happy because I wanted to snuggle up with her. Then Skitters snatched her up and the two of them were happily giggling while my sister braided the filly’s mane and tail. We had long since returned the crowns we borrowed to respective owners, except Luna’s crown. I kept that away from her and she hasn’t found it yet.

“Can I go hug Stinky now?”

“Stinky?” My Mom and Skitters said in unison?

“That’s him!” Soft pointed at me.

“Why did you call my brother Stinky?”

“Isn’t that his name?” Soft cocked her head to the side while looking at both of my relatives.

“Beatle, why did you tell these ponies your name was Stinky?”

“That was my disguise’s name, and I never told anyone to not call me Stinky. I kinda like it; it’s kind of endearing…” I dragged Soft over to me and blew a raspberry into her belly. “I’m glad you two call me by my actual name, but sometimes I just like being called Stinky.” Ms. Breeze tilted her head.

“Wait, the Princesses told everypony in the castle staff that your legal name was Stinky-”

“Wat?” I asked, cocking my head to the side.

My maid rubbed the back of her head. “...I don’t think Celestia or Luna know your actual name,” Mom said. “I think they genuinely believe your name is Stinky.”

“Oh. Can my actual name be Stinky?” I asked, tilting my head.

“...If you want that, I can change it on your hatch certificate,” Flarial said, shaking her head with a small smile. “My weird, very strange Son,” she nuzzled me. “Stinky, I hope you understand how many changelings will-”

“I know. Celestia joked about how I smelled like shit after.” I was hit by a newspaper for swearing.

Author's Note

yes, Nightmare Moon’s name was spelled wrong several times on purpose.

Various, Lunar Shenanigans

I laid underneath Luna’s wing, having returned her crown, reading a book with her. It’s been a little while since the two of us just laid down in a bed, and laid down together. We were happily reading something that wasn’t Daring Do because it was racist towards changelings. I nuzzled into her shoulder while she struggled to stay awake. It was pretty fun, just a nice, chill day. “So Stinky,” Luna yawned. “It’s been a little over three months since you’ve come to Canterlot, how are you enjoying everything so far?” She nuzzled me.

“It’s been three months already?” There’s only twelve chapters though… Darn. “Well, my Mom and Sister took over my room, and constantly make sure I’m happy.” I tilted my head. “And you and Celestia steal me a lot, for some reason. Especially after it smells like either of you had a long day or night, and ask me to pretend to be a stuffed changeling for a while. Like you wanted me to earlier, and ended up reading to me.” I glared at the Daring Do book on Luna’s bed, that had laid unforgotten. “What is that doing here?”

“...Why do you hate Daring Do so much?”

“It described a poem, on a cave wall written by changelings, as gibberish, worthless patterns,” I snarled. “It’s a poem that means a lot to changelings everywhere. About how one day, we changelings will one day be accepted amongst other races. How we can simply live. And Daring Do says it's a worthless pattern on a wall.” I levitated a piece of paper and wrote a sentence down in changeling, and pulled the Daring Do book open. “Notice a pattern?”

“...Stinky, you’re not being an adorable idiot, and it’s scary,” Luna whispered. “And attractive,” she read over the poem in the wall, and ‘you smell like roses’ in changeling. “There… is actually a pattern, and this actually looks like a language. It even matches the picture shown in the book… How… Do you write in your language? Or learn Equish perfectly if it’s not your second language?”

“Changeling magic; you learn language quickly, either through hearing it for the first time, or kissing somepony who speaks the desired language. The first is not as thorough since I can’t use some words, or know what they mean until somepony says them. Kissing them is very effective, but not used since it can be seen as sexual assault in some cases.” Luna blinked. “I lied, the first thing most changelings learn, before our own language, is Equish.” I threw the Daring Do book in a nearby trash can. “So I hate Daring Do now. Whoever wrote that is racist, given she soon found a bunch of dead changelings and called them ugly.”

“...I think you being adorably stupid is preferable,” Luna said slowly.

“You reek of hormones, Luna,” I said bluntly. “I can go back to being stupid though,” I started chewing on a piece of my nightstand for the sixth time this week. It tasted better than the last one.

Now, my dear readers, you might be wondering what this amazing poem is, but I can’t speak or write in changeling. However, I used Google Translate and-

That was weird, the story fell out of my perspective. Luna had long since fallen asleep, and I ended up having an idea. You see, Luna always takes me, during the day, to use as a comfort changeling. So what if I took her, and used her as a comfort Princess? So, I transformed my legs to make myself taller, and threw Luna onto my back. Her crown, necklace, and shoes were discarded since she was about to go to sleep, so all I had was an alicorn snoozing away on my back, with a sleep mask. I found some googly eyes and glued those on the mask so nobody would think I’m stealing her, and walked out of the Lunar Bedchambers.

After stepping out, three female guards swooned. “Ah, they’re finally a couple!” They cheered.

“Wait, I lost forty bits, dangit! I was betting on his maid becoming his mate!” The one that was not on the left, right, or middle said.

“And I was betting he’d end up with Celestia!” The one not on the right, left, or middle said.

“Pay up,” the one that was not on the left, right, or middle said. The other two ‘awed’ before paying that one that was not on the right, left, or middle their bits. Whatever the buck they were betting on is beyond me.

I walked down the hall, and eventually got bored, so I walked over to a window and gently laid Luna down… Before throwing her at the window to break it, and jumping out after her. Luna is a very heavy sleeper, since she didn’t even wake up from being used as a blunt object. In all fairness, she was completely unharmed. In fact, she hit the ground face first because I couldn’t catch her in time, so I had to sniff her over. No cuts, broken bones, or anything. In fact, she was still breathing. “Celestia… Stop… Eating… My Cheerioats…” She whispered in her sleep. I laid Luna down in the grass before laying on top of her so I could take a nap.

It’s been an hour since I stole Luna, I could tell based on the pocket watch that I may or may not have borrowed from the sidewalk, it was made of twenty four karat gold according to Mom. After some consideration, I decided to stuff Luna into a nearby bush, and come back for her later. For right now, I want to go see what Mom and Skitters are doing. So, that’s what I didn’t do, because I turned the corner and immediately ran into Shining Armor and Cadance. “Stinky!” Food Princess threw her arms around me and spun me in a hug. “It’s been so long since we’ve seen you!”

“...That was two weeks ago. It wasn’t that long ago,” I tilted my head. “Why are you in the gardens?”

“Well… Cady and I were looking for you, and somepony said they saw a changeling jump out of a window an hour and a half ago.” My watch is off by thirty minutes, darnit. “We were actually hoping to get you so we can all go on a picnic, you, Auntie Celestia and Luna, and the Elements of Harmony all in the Royal Gardens. Though nopony knows where the heck Luna is; she’s been missing for the last hour, and she’s not in her bed chambers. In fact, nopony even knows if she’s in Canterlot right now. Which would be odd given that she and Celestia were planning on staying in Canterlot to plan out how to defend it in the next invasion.”

“I don’t know where Luna is,” I tilted my head. “Maybe she’s sleeping in a basement somewhere in the castle? She does like dark things; she’s nocturnal for a reason.”

“You are right, and if worse comes to worse, she’s probably just fell asleep in the bathroom. Nopony wants to go in there, so that they don’t see a Princess naked,” Cadance pointed out.

“Well, if I find Luna before lunch, I’ll let you know.”

It was lunch and Canterlot Castle was up in arms. Luna was missing, apparently, even though I just stuck her in a bush. Everyone thinks a Changeling Queen stole Luna and is planning to replace her, even though most of the Queens present, Mom included. So, Celestia was sitting on her throne, holding court, on one side, my entire family, and the other two Queens. On the other was a bunch of nobles that were shouting slurs at changelings that meant something. I mean, how is ‘mosquito’ an insult?

We changelings like love, not blood, stupid nobles.

Celestia just smelled like she was about to burst out laughing the whole time; she probably knew what was going on. You see… This all started shortly after we couldn’t find Luna. Nopony could find her, even though her flanks were poking out of the bush I stuffed her into. So, there was a whole search, and a murder case.

“Stinky,” my Mom nudged me. “Please go drag Luna out of the bush you left her in. While you were saving her for later, as a cuddle buddy, I would rather not gather the ire of these nobles. Especially when they keep trying to get a look at mine, and your sister’s flanks.” I nodded and walked up to Celestia.

“Oh, Stinky, are you going to give a testi-” I pushed Celestia off of her throne, before picking up and throwing it at a nearby window before following suit. I went down to the bush, where Luna was still snoring away. I picked her up and started dragging her through the gardens, into the castle, up every step, through every hall, before pulling her past a bunch of bewildered guards, and into the throne room. Luna’s sleeping cap had gotten lost somewhere.

“...Where was Luna?” Shining Armor asked slowly.

“I was using her as a pillow in the gardens… After throwing her out of a window. She’s completely fine, watch.” I nipped her neck and she shot up. “Who touched my changeling!” She got to her hooves and lit her horn before looking around… She spun around before her eyes fell upon me. “Stinky, why are we not in my bed chambers?”

“I threw you out of a window,” I tilted my head. “I wanted to be in the gardens so I could take a nap, and wanted to use you as a pillow. It was nice; I got to spend some more time with you,” I nuzzled up under her chin.

“...You foalnapped me?”

“Like when you nap with somepony?” I asked? “Wait, you aren’t a foal.”

“You… did something that most would’ve failed at doing. Without struggling. And you bucking kept me hidden for how long?” Luna asked,

“Two whole days,” I sat down and tilted my head. “Is something wrong with that?”

“I swear, if you were not so bucking adorable, I would throw you in a dungeon for that.” I licked Luna on the nose. “And because you do that,” she shook her head with a smile.

A couple of days later, I was sitting with Luna, across from her. In between us was a chess board, and across from me was a very angry Luna. You see, I had beaten her at least sixteen or seventeen times. And she was about to lose our eighteenth round of chess. “What the buck even is your strategy?!” She flipped the table and threw the chess board out the window. Judging from the distant, metal ‘clank’, it probably just knocked a guard out. “I don’t know how, I don’t know why, your strategy makes no sense! It’s like there’s nothing going on inside your brain!”

“That is accurate, Luna,” I sipped on a cup of hot chocolate that Mom brewed for me… It was really good. “I only know what each piece does, and I go to counter what you do… I think. I just move pieces and they do what they wanna do.” I looked down at the table. “Want to do checkers again?” I tilted my head.

“No! Buck no! You beat me eighty seven times!” Luna was using her Canterlot Royal Voice. “How?! You beat me in every single, bucking board game, and somehow beat me at chess without struggling! Do you even-”

“...Luna, you’re starting to scare me,” I was going to hide under the table, but that got thrown through six different walls before it stopped. Luckily nopony got hurt. She threw a checker piece and it decked Blueblood, while he was in prison where his balls were before Mom shoved a flagpole up his butt, that’s still there, up his rear end… By the way, I don’t even think Blueblood’s alive, since he tried hitting on a female guard and he got suplexed. “Can we…”

“Luna, stop yelling at Stinky, it is not his fault that you just suck at chess,” Celestia said, ducking her head through the hole in my bedroom that was created by Luna throwing a table through it.

“Shut up, I beat you most of the time!” Luna shouted.

“Stinky cannot be that good at chess-”

Celestia broke the table in half. I beat her forty seven times in a row, and Mom came by with a camera to take photos. “How!? What the buck are you even doing? You moved the same bucking pawn sixteen six turns in a row and accidentally checkmate me in the next two?!” I got so scared of Celestia that I crawled over to Mom and started hiding behind her while the Royal Pony Sisters worked out some deep seated anger issues. “What’s bucking worse is that I even started reading your mind halfway through this game! There is literally nothing there!”

“You cheated and you still lost!” Luna was rolling around laughing, until a rook got thrown at her and knocked her out.

Meanwhile, Florial took the time to lick my ears to calm the shivering mess that is me. Skitters even stopped by, crawled over to me, and laid her head over mine while Celestia broke a lamp that she shouted at a little too loudly.

A couple of days later, Luna came in, dragged me and Skitters out of our room, while we were having a lovely cuddle session while she taught me how to draw(it wasn’t going well, but my sister looked so happy to be teaching me something, so I went with it). We were dragged throughout the castle while Skitters started pouting at our now ruined brother and sister bonding time, but somehow took the time to groom the inside of my ears while we were being dragged across the castle floors. I, of course, ended up hugging her until we were dropped off in what looked like a fancy meeting room.

The Six Scary Mares, Celestia, Cadance and her wife, Shining Armor, and Celestia were sitting around the table. Me and my sister took the same seat, and Cadance couldn’t help but squeal when my sister laid her head on top of mine and wrapped her arms around me. Actually, everyone did, except Rainbow Dash the Psycho, since the other Queens and Mom were there. “I did not think seeing a changeling hugging her little brother would be so cute!” Rarity clapped her hooves. “Oh, I should make you two matching outfits. That would be so precious!”

“Now, Stinky is my older brother,” Skitters corrected.

“But I am little, and I am your brother. And according to Mom, socially stumped and mentally stumped because of Chrysalis’s Hive…” I wanna be a little brother, that sounds nice. “So I am a little brother.” My brain is on fire from working that out. Skitters didn’t disagree and proceeded to nuzzle the back of my head.

Luna cleared her throat. “Stinky, why are you pretending to be dumb? You’ve shown to have small glimpses of intelligence, and then you walk around, while acting like an idiot.” I tilted my head.

“But Celestia said my brain was empty.”

“Hey, we aren’t here today to discuss my brother’s intelligence; I know he’s smart sometimes, he just isn’t most of the time. The reason behind it… Why the buck is there a Monopony board?”

“Auntie Celestia and Luna wanted to try and beat Stinky at a game left up to random chance after he destroyed both of them in chess in eight moves every round,” Cadance giggled. “I could hear Celestia swearing from my room!”

“I thought Celestia was pure!” Twilight giggled. “I heard her all the way in Ponyville.”

“Luna hit Doctor Whooves’ weird, purple box, and blew it up, with a pawn!” Rainbow laughed. “How badly did he kick your butts in that egghead game?”

“I moved a pawn seven times and checkmated Luna with two turns afterwards,” I tilted my head. “Is that good?”

“...How the buck did you do that? You can’t possibly-” Twilight was interrupted by a chess board popping into existence. We played a game and it ended in four turns after I got checkmated… “See? It’s not that hard to beat him!”

“Okay Luna, remind me to make it illegal for Stinky to play chess later, or I will have a stroke, now…” I didn’t know any of the rules of Monopony, because I zoned out; Skitters really liked grooming me and I really liked the feeling, so he just nodded dumbly and rolled the dice every now and then. Eventually I just ended up landing on something called income tax and was told I was allowed to go bankrupt… Whatever that meant. I ended up being the first one out because of that.

“Give me Stinky!” Luna shouted.

“No, he’s my brother!” Skitters shouted back.

“And he’s my bucking consort!”

I was sitting in between them, being tugged on both with a small smile on my face. Everything is fine, nothing is wrong. Luna wanted to take me to bed and cuddle with me, but Skitters was about to use me as a pillow while she took a nap. So I was just in the crossfire, and soon I soon got ignored while my Sibling and Owner started really pushing the mostly family friendly tone of the story with insults such as ‘buckface’ and ‘bucker’. I just looked at one, then the other, and then at Mom who was sitting off to the side and sipping on some tea. “You poor, poor child,” she giggled. “It seems as though-” Celestia teleported in with a ‘pop’ and made the fighting pair of mares stop.

“Sister, is something wrong?” Luna asked. Before long, the three of them were fighting over who got custody of me today.

So Cadance walked in, being ignored by the shouting match between the mares, and she plucked me off the ground, and dragged me out the door. The Princess of Food and Shining Armor proceeded to take me to the park and we played with a frisbee for the rest of the day. And had a picnic. And hugging me. Shiny even noogied me.

So he didn’t get that hoof back, it was mine now, I happily held onto it in my jaws while Cadance and Shining Armor laughed.

Author's Note

This is the only thing is Stinky’s head most of the time

https://youtu.be/f9R8tLE4FZw?si=g9OWoQ-yfIoWRBWn

Hi! I’m Skitter, Stinky’s Sister! This Chapter is From My Perspective!

I sleepily lifted my head up as I felt my brother, because according to him, being shorter than me makes him my younger brother, crawling out from under me to start his day. Today was… a day, I suppose. Most of the time when I wake up I make two notes, one is that Beatle, or Stinky as he likes to go by, is present or not, and then that I am not in my Hive. With how Chrysalis keeps dragging the Changeling name through the mud by being an asshole, Mom and my aunts really want to stick around Canterlot so that we can beat the shit out of her. After all, a dead Queen can’t be stupid.

Well, we won’t kill Chrysalis, but we will make her eat pizza without any pineapple on it. With white sauce, because she’s allergic. So it won’t kill her, but it’ll be an unpleasant experience since that will be all that she will be eating for the rest of her life.

Mom was already gone, having crawled out the bed earlier for a meeting with Celestia… An important, political one that involved them… enjoying themselves a little more. Seriously, those two mares are perfect for each other and are terminally in love with each other. Mom provides Celestia with comfort and cake, and Celestia provides Mom with love and comfort. It’s like those two have known each other since advanced school or something. Mom left the photo album there, so I cannot confirm or disprove that assumption. Since my brother had crawled up onto the bed above me to play with his maid’s filly, I figured it was time to start my day.

Mostly because Mom would boop me on the nose if I slept in until I woke up… Or boop me once on the nose and go about her day. It just depended on how much she wanted to spend the day with her children. And since Celestia is currently occupying that, I figured I should go meet up with a few of the Royal Guards, since they all seem to want to get a peek at my flanks for some reason. When I crawled out, Soft Breeze and Stinky gave me an adorable, synchronized hoof wave as I went to take care of brushing my teeth and hair.

After all, a Princess must look… attractive. Mom told me that, since it would find me a mate, Celestia and Luna are seen as very attractive by ponies. Mostly Luna, since she doesn’t have to look down as much as her taller sister. Today was going to be great, since today, I get to spend another day with my brother, play with a foal, and then prank some Royal Guards again. A favorite pastime is making my hips sway just a little more as I walk. Any and all male ponies stop and freeze when I do that, and then I get to tease them some more for some extra love. I hopped in the shower to prepare for a wonderful day!

I was standing with Stinky, in the kitchen. Celestia had run out of cake and my brother had offered to bake her another one for the day, since the Royal Pastry Chef had gotten sick yesterday. Because ponies are ponies, they tend to sneeze a lot when they get sick, and having a cake that somepony sneezed on sounded bad. Stinky was sitting there in a chef hat, he had an apron and a chef uniform. He was sitting down, having chased out the rest of the kitchen staff in a rare instance of him not acting like an idiot, and was now nose deep in a cake recipe book.

Why did Stinky, the usually mellow, mentally and socially challenged changeling chase everypony out? Because I wanted to spend another day with Stinky, and I told him I couldn’t cook. That’s true, by the way, I am awful at cooking, it’s a universal rule of royalty on Equus. So, Stinky was looking for a cake recipe I could help out on, without accidentally setting the castle on fire. Eventually he set the cookbook aside and nodded. “Okay, get some flour, eggs, sugar, and milk please.” I nodded and quickly started using my magic to summon all from the nearby kitchen cupboards. Stinky had whipped up a bowl and nothing else.

“Won’t you need cooking utensils?” I asked.

Stinky slowly raised his hoof and turned into a soup ladle.

“Nevermind.”

“If it makes you feel any better,” Stinky said, portioning out all the ingredients. “I forgot I could do that too, and didn’t know where anything was. It’s why I asked you to get all of that,” he gestured towards the ingredients he had me summon. “Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla, if you don’t mind me asking?” Stinky is… being intelligent again. What? Why can my stupid little brother choose to be dumb? Or smart?

“I would like to try a vanilla cake,” Stinky nodded before quickly throwing in the portioned ingredients into the bowl before mixing them together. “We need vanilla don’t we?” Stinky nodded again, eying his batter like a cat. Halfway through, Stinky pulled out a bag of chocolate chips and sprinkled a bunch in. He nodded to himself and withdrew his blender hoof. “So now what?”

“We put it in the oven at… three hundred fifty for twenty five minutes.” Stinky pulled out a timer from… Where the heck was he getting all of this?

“Wait!” Both of us yelped as Pinkie Pie came crashing through the window on a flying machine… What? “You didn’t add enough sugar!”

“...but the recipe called for two hundred or five hundred grams of sugar, so I put three hundred and fifty as a middle ground,” Stinky tilted his head. “What? Should I have used the whole bag?”

“YES!” Pinkie shouted. “The best cakes or the sweetest cakes-”

Stinky slowly looked at me, before looking at the party pony that was going on and on and on about how to make the perfect cake. So while she was doing that, my brother motioned for me to stick the cake in the oven at the temperature he told me, for the exact amount of time he told me. Meanwhile, Stinky grabbed a rolling pan and smacked Pinkie in the side of the head with it. Moments later, there’s a broken window, one less Pinkie Pie, and we had a cake that was baking perfectly.

Now, the million bit question was… how good was the cake? Very, actually. Stinky managed to perfectly blend the vanilla and chocolate so one layer was held to the other by icing. Both layers were two different flavors, the top being chocolate and the other being vanilla. Once it was out of the oven, Stinky pulled my fork away from me, which made me… a little angry. Until he started dressing it with icing and strawberries. After a few minutes, and Celestia walking in at the smell of cake, and Luna, and our mother, and the other Queens there was a perfect cake that was… actually really big.

“Oh…” Celestia hummed. “That looks delicious! I-” She got slapped in the face by my little brother.

“No, Skitters get the first slice.”

“But I-”

“I baked the cake for you, Celestia, but I choose who gets the first slice because I baked it.”

“This is mutiny!” She shouted.

“We are not on a ship, sister,” Luna shook her head. “If I recall correctly, Stinky made a perfect ice cream cake, that you ate in one bite, when he baked it for the both of us.” She grumbled. “It had bits of moon pie in it too. And you ate the whole bucking thing.”

While those two argued like foals, I, and Mom, were handed two a slice of the newly baked cake. Yeah, this is good. I wish I knew how to cook, so I didn’t need my little brother to bake another cake for me in the future, but I think he’s more than willing. While I ate my cake, I sat down to eat it with my hooves, and Stinky took the liberty to sit right next to me and lean his head on my shoulder, and fell asleep soon after. His little snores made everyone in the room stop. Luna squealed, as did any females in the room, which were all of them, and rushed to get a camera that was capable of recording video to capture Stinky sleeping.

“Where’s Pinkie Pie?” Twilight asked. “You think she wouldn’t pass up a cake.”

Pinkie Pie, shortly after being knocked out and thrown out of a window, landed in a bush where a slice of cake, which was more sugar than cake, slowly landed next to her with a note from our favorite, stupid little changeling. “Sorry about hitting you, but you are absolutely terrifying”- love Stinky.

A day or two later, Stinky is simply nowhere to be found. Like, the whole castle doesn’t know where he is. I look away for two seconds to flirt with a guard, and Stinky is simply gone. There was a shattered window nearby, but surprisingly, that was just a vending machine that Luna was pissed at. Yes, Luna got mad at a vending machine and threw it out the window. So, the whole castle is under lockdown until we find my brother. Mostly because Mom said she would gut somebody if she found out that somebody kidnapped her son.

So I took my personal battalion of changelings to try and find my brother. We searched high and low, every nook, cranny, and Princess bed chambers in order to find him, but nobody could simply find him. It was like the changeling had just vanished from thin air. It was already midnight and there was still no sign of my brother, Mom couldn’t find him, Luna and Celestia had a crystal ball that they used to watch Stinky, but nobody could find him.

Well, Luna broke her crystal ball, for some reason.

“Why the actual buck!” Luna watched through her crystal ball, moments before destroying it, and was watching Stinky… cuddling with Harmonic Breeze, his personal maid. They had left the castle with Soft Breeze and sat out in the gardens. They were having a small little picnic with a bunch of food that Ms. Breeze had to make herself, eating, chatting… Stinky was actually telling jokes while being his stupidly adorable self. “I wanted to take him out on a picnic first!” The Crystal Ball hit a certain crystal loving dictator in the face in the north.

I just threw Celestia out of the way, since she decided to stand in front of a door we hadn’t looked behind. “What the buck Skitters? I’m trying to help you find your brother as well!” Celestia shouted. “And none of us can bucking find him! The collar he usually wears has several tracking spells and runes on it, and nopony can find him!” She pouted. “I wanted to borrow him for today,” she sighed.

“Quit crying, Princess, and keep in mind that Stinky is my brother, and I wanted to spend the day with him!” We were now in front of my brother’s room, which now housed me and Mom as well. We both stopped upon hearing giggling within the room. Now, Mom was currently in the Royal Gardens with a shovel. So both of us slowly opened the door to… Stinky and Ms. Breeze on the bed. Soft was giggling like a… Well, the filly she is. Stinky was holding her down with a single hoof as he blew raspberries into the foal’s belly.

“Stop! You two aren’t kissing in a tree!” She winnied. “Stop!” Soft planted both hooves against Stinky’s, but she couldn’t stop the tickle assault.

Ms. Breeze was sitting there with a huge smile on her face as she watched her daughter get tortured before her eyes. Once the changeling had his fun, Soft tried to crawl away, only for her mother to snatch her up and hold her against her chest. Stinky walked around his maid and laid the upper half of his body over hers to get easy access to the filly. Soon after, the three were taking a nap, and I was a little mad, but I couldn’t stay mad.

Look at that! Stinky almost looks like a parent for Soft Breeze, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d assume he and his maid were mates. Though according to said maid, through talking with her a little bit, I do know that they are becoming mates on the table, should Luna or Celestia not make a move on Stinky.

That then makes me wonder why Luna doesn’t mare the buck up and ask Stinky on a date. Isn’t the mare supposed to ask the stallion on a date in pony culture?

“Stinky, how did you get away from me so quickly?” I asked.

“You flirted with a guard, and then caught the attention of several other guards,” he said bluntly. “Then you flirted with those guards as well. You’re a bit weird.”

“Do you know how many mares want to sleep with you? Not cuddle, but mate with you? Celestia made you a consort to get at Luna, but at least four guards think you’re attractive because of how ‘adorable’ you are. Luna, for some reason, really likes you, but won’t ask you out, and even your maid wants to sleep with you! You’re using that maid as a bu-”

“Hey, can you not use that word? There’s a filly in the room,” Stinky nuzzled Soft and found his muzzle being that filly’s property. “Please let me have my nose,” he whimpered.

“But you tickled me! I shall not extract my revenge!” Stinky soon as a filly lay on top of his head while he laid there.

Several hours had passed, I was currently turning one of the male guards into puddy, since he was one of the more racist guards who said he would like to boil some changelings for any griffin dignitaries in the castle. Well, that’s what he was saying until I caught him watching as my hips swayed side to side. Like the little pervert that he is, happily did a one eighty turn the very moment I wasn’t looking, to look at my butt. After successfully seducing the guard, I dragged my tail under his chin as I walked by.

And then plowed both of my hindlegs into his family jewels.

The sound he made was priceless and he had to be sent home for three weeks due to his bag of nuts being crushed.

To think some ponies would happily scream their hatred for changelings, but then still happily check out any changelings that, they know for sure, are females. For instance, Mom keeps getting looks, the other Queens keep getting looks, and I especially kept getting looks. I could smell the hormones rolling off most of the males who look at me, because I had to be cursed with having a similar body type to Luna, though my legs are a bit slimmer, and I am a bit skinnier due to me having an exoskeleton instead of being covered in fur.

And ponies, especially stallions, love slim legs.

However, that was not my main concern, because Apple Jack, one of the Elements of Harmony, invited me over to her room, which was shared by the rest of the Elements, so they could chat with me. As for why, I don’t know, but I’m not excited about going to a room full of superweapons. Especially when my brother refers to the Mares that are the superweapons the ‘Elements of Horror’ because he’s scared of most of them. Mainly Pinkie Pie because she is so darn happy that she gives him a stomach ache, and Rainbow Dash who tackled him into a building so hard that it blew up.

Rainbow Dash will receive a sternly written letter with a bunch of blunt threats, since she doesn’t sound very intelligent enough to understand veiled threats, about what will happen if she hurts Stinky or tackles him into another building. That’s my brother, my little brother, who is older than I am, and you do not touch him. He’s too stupidly naive and adorably stupid; he doesn’t deserve to be tackled into buildings. Like how he didn’t deserve being foalnapped at a young age, or be mentally and socially stunted because of how Chrysalis treats her Hive’s changelings.

Again, we will make Chrysalis eat a pizza not covered in pineapples as one of her first punishments.

Then we’ll boil one of her legs while it’s still attached to her body.

I knocked on the door, and Twilight slowly opened the door. “Princess Skitters?” She asked. I nodded.

“I am the only changeling princess present; who else would I be?” I tilted my head. Twilight rolled her eyes and allowed me inside the room. Low and behold, on six of the Elements of Harmony were lounging on the two beds in the room. As soon as Rarity saw me, her eyes widened, and I could feel excitement radiating off of her. Pinkie, as Stinky said, was so happy that she could give you a stomach ache.

Luckily, I had some cornflakes earlier to appease my stomach for this momentous occasion.

“Apple Jack, I presume?” I asked, nodding to an orange mare with her mane and tail tied back. She had a stetson, and also had freckles. If it were not for her muscular, but still slim, physique, I’d say she was adorable and attempt to court her.

“Howdy dere, Princess. I believe you’ve heard about us from your brother…” The farm pony tilted her head. “How is that thing your brother? He seems a bit…”

“Challenged?” I asked. “Because you would be correct, but my brother is as sweet as sugar.”

Apple Jack smirked. “I don’t need you to tell me that. Little bugger caught my sister stealing from him, and what does he do? He tickles Apple Bloom and her Two Friends! Granted, I did give her a stern talking-to when we got home, but a changeling that is that nice to foals is something I wouldn’t think possible.” She shook her head before fixating her gaze on me. “How do we know your mother and the other queens ain’t trying to take over Equestria?”

I blinked a couple of times. “Wha?” I tilted my head. “My mother has literally slept with Celestia in the past, and probably will do so tonight. Those two, despite ending their relationship a century ago, still love each other to death.” I shrugged. “I can’t really prove that mine, and our allied hives, are here simply to help but I will say this:

“Chrysalis ruined my brother. She stole him from my mother, and ruined my chance at having an older brother. I want to shove my hoof far so damn up her rear end. Just like you, my mother and I have a reason to want to fight Chrysalis, and we want to ally with Equestria so Mom and Celestia can finally get hitched-“

“W-wait. Wait. What?!” Twilight shouted. “What the buck do you mean? You’re telling me Queen Flarial and Princess Celestia-“

“Are planning on getting married,” I finished for her. “I’m excited! I always wondered what having two Moms is like, and Celestia is such an excellent prankster! When they marry, I am snatching Celly after their honeymoon, and we’re going on a pranking spree!” I giggled. “Celestia already treats me like her own daughter, and has been treating Stinky as her son as well. Truly, that mare has a heart of gold, and I cannot complain.”

Rarity was now laying on the floor, twitching, rambling about making a suit for Stinky, a dress for me, a dress for Mom and Celestia, while squealing about another Royal Wedding. I blinked. “I think your friend might be rabid; she’s foaming at the mouth.” I suddenly want to get out of the room.

“Pfft,” Rainbow snorted. “She just saw the job of a lifetime, and is overly excited about it!” I stared at the now twitching, slightly more quiet Rarity, before decidedly throwing myself out of a nearby window to get away from her.

“Great, now we gotta wait for a pony to fix our window!” Rainbow Dash pouted. “What is with Stinky and his family breaking windows?!”

“It runs in the family,” Stinky said, crawling through the window his sister had just jumped out of. “I used Luna to break a window, Mom used Celestia’s throne once- is Rarity rabid?” Without waiting for an answer, he jumped out of the window as well. “Give me my story back, Skitters! It’s meant to be told from my perspective!” Four mares looked at each other before turning to… Both unicorns on the floor.

Twilight was now side by side with Rarity, in a similar state, rambling about her teacher, The Princess Celesita, getting married. Celestia had slipped her head through the now slightly opened door before looking at her student. Before sighing.

“Can one of you please send Twilight Sparkle my way once she is done convulsing on the floor? I have something I would like to discuss with her, in private.”

“Will do, your highness,” Apple Jack sighed. The Princess’s disembodied, floating soon slipped back out of the room and the door closed with a click.

“What the buck even happened?” Rainbow Dash asked, as she poked Twilight’s eye with a stick. “How do we fix her?” Pinkie answered with an excited ‘Wee!’ and before promptly body slamming the convulsing unicorn.

Author's Note

I hope this was kinda funny. Obviously Skitter’s commentary on what is happening isn’t has clueless or stupid as our beloved, stupid changeling drone, but Skitter’s hoping y’all liked it.

please like it, she’s currently holding me hostage.

I Got Kidnapped

So, have you ever stared up at a dark, cloud of smoke that wants to murder you with every fiber of its being? Have you ever stared up at a pony head, that is in a dark, murderous cloud of smoke that looks like it lost a few screws and went mentally insane. Have you ever wondered why the actual buck woke you up today? Or why the buck this mentally insane, pony headed, dark cloud of smoke, that is probably addicted to crystals, is yelling at you? No? Just me? Well, I suppose I can tell you mostly about what led up to me staring at an angry, murderous, mentally insane, pony head in a cloud of smoke.

It all started out simple, I woke up in the warm, cuddling embrace of my mother…

I yawned, I was squeezed under the bed, between Mom and Skitters. The three of us went swimming yesterday, and it was pretty fun… Except I couldn’t swim, so Skitters taught me how to swim while Mom recorded with a camera while she gushed about how handsome I looked with goggles on. Once I figured out how to swim, the three of us played with a beach ball. Ponies looked at us weird, a few looked at Mom’s flanks and were subsequently hit in the head with a blueberry pie, via a squad of our guards that were supposed to watch over us.

Overall, it was really fun, surprisingly even if it felt weird to wear goggles. Skitter yelled ‘Marco’ and Mom yelled ‘Polo’ for some reason. Whoever the buck those guys are, I dunno.

Then I got hit with a tidal wave after Mom decided to start a water fight with my sister, and I had the misfortune to be in between Florial and Skitters.

Needless to say, we were all pretty tired, but Mom managed to sneak Celestia out of the castle halfway through our little adventure and that was fun. Except for the fact that Celestia kept staring at Mom in her swimsuit, for some reason. I know those two want to get married, which is really weird since I’m apparently Celestia’s consort, even if I’m only her consort to make Luna mad, so I guess I shouldn’t question why the Princess and my Mom keep staring at each other’s butts.

So, because the more tired my family gets, the harder they want to cuddle with me. I couldn’t squeeze out from Mom’s iron grip, as she snuggled closer to me and yawned. So I just pouted; my little pocket watch, that I might’ve stolen from Blueblood’s mansion, said it was well past twelve, and I want to spend the day with Cadance and Shining Armor. So, I turned into a mouse, squeezed out from Mom’s grip, and slipped my sister into where I was, so Mom wouldn’t wake up. I rubbed my hooves together at my scheming, before taking a picture of my family cuddling because it was pretty cute, and everypony takes pictures of cute looking things.

I nuzzled Soft, who was coloring away in a coloring book, and went to go find Cadance and Shining Armor, who were in the room right across from mine.

“Are you sure that we should agree to going to the newly formed Crystal Empire?” Cadance asked. “I know Celestia asked us to, I feel like we’re going into a death trap.”

“Oh please, Auntie Celestia likes me! I am her student’s B.B.B.F.F! And her nephew, now that I’m married to you. She wouldn’t kill us!” I sat there while their magic worked, grabbing various objects while packing them into suitcases.

“That’ll teach you to eat my. Bucking. Slice. Of. Breakfast. Cake, Shining Armor!” Celestia rubbed her hooves. “Nopony eats my cake, nopony…” She giggled. “I think I’m going too far, and I feel a little evil! This must be how Luna felt! Now we have something to bond over. I sent my nephew and niece to my evil ex-husband's home, and Lulu tried to destroy the world because she was mad about being called a monster everyday simply because she was Princess of the Night and my little ponies didn’t like the night.” She clapped her hooves. “Huzzah! We can grow even closer as sisters, and maybe become villains!”

Celestia giggled at the prospect of bonding with her little sister more because of this. Then that newfound got crushed by a strong feeling of guilt.

“I feel awful now. I’m going to have to get a giftcard for Cadance because she’ll want to tag along with her husband… Oh! I know! I can send Twilight in, to not only test her, but to fix up the problem I just made for myself! It’s a win, win, win!”

Celestia paused. “Wait, what if Cadance dies before Twilight shows up to save the day? I like her- wait, she’s an alicorn, we do not do the die, after all… Shining Armor can break a leg for eating my breakfast cake though…” She shrugged. “I feel like I got turned into a horrible, immoral, parody version of myself for the plot of a terrible comedy to lead into the events of The Crystal Empire Pt. 1 and 2… I wonder why.”

“Because you are,” a chicken nugget said before disappearing into the void of terrible ideas. “Thank you for kick starting my stupid story arc…” Nugget27’s voice faded into nothingness as Celestia was factory resetted to Celestia from last chapter, and not a parody or meme of herself…

She sighed and got ready to drown herself in paperwork until Queen Flarial could foalnap her for a fun, very fun showcase of their various sets of battle armor later and four in the afternoon.

“Oh my, a test from Celestia! Surely she didn’t come up with this at the drop of a hat!” Twilight did a little dance. “Why does it say that my test begins in four months?” She asked Spike.

“I don’t know.” The baby dragon shrugged. “I’m going to get some food from the Royal Kitchens, want anything?”

“A muffin would be nice.” Twilight responded. Spike gave a thumbs up before going towards the kitchen… For some reason, somepony was screaming and squealing at the top of their lungs… Why was that?

fourteen minutes ago

I climbed up on the bed, and neither the Princess of Food or Shining Armor noticed me yet. They opened up another suitcase, and I felt something pick me up with magic, before I was promptly stuffed into it. I squealed and screamed. “You heard that, right Cadance?” Shining Armor asked as he stuffed a shirt in my mouth by accident. Why the buck do you need a shirt, you son of a bucking piece of dirt! You have bucking fur! That’s it, everything in this suitcase will become my food for the next few weeks.

You stupid, bucking horse.

“The sound of Stinky? One of the female guards probably got tired of waiting around for the changeling to mate with somepony, and probably kidnapped him. It was bound to happen,” Cadance shrugged. “Because Auntie Luna is a sissy and can’t ask Stinky on a date, so nopony’s claimed him yet.”

I am going to hit these two in the head with a frying pan. I screamed and Squealed and yelled a lot of profanities while the suitcase was put off to the side, being stuffed with six shirts, a bag of beef jerky, for some reason, and a whole Stinky Changeling. Shortly after I was done screaming, I realized that I probably wasn’t getting out any time soon, since neither Cadance or Shining Armor managed to not hear me at all…

So I just laid there, in my suitcase, after eating the shirts inside of it, so I finally had enough space to- ow. What the heck? What hit my suitcase? Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. I whimpered as what felt like Princess Celestia’s butt came down on my suitcase. Luckily, it held up, but only barely. I had to slim myself down through changeling magic just to avoid being crushed. I sighed before figuring if.. Screaming got me nowhere, I should try something new.

Such as screaming even louder and even longer. “SCREEEEE!”

The suitcase opened after two weeks of continuous, unhinged screaming, I was free! I’m finally… “Stinky? Why are you in my suitcase? And where are my shirts?” Shining Armor was staring down at me along with a rather… tired looking Cadance. “Why are you here, in the Crystal Empire with us?”

“I sat in your room while you were packing, and I wanted to spend the day with you and Cadance… Then you STUFF ME INTO YOUR BUCKING SUITCASE!” I growled. “I WAS SCREAMING FOR WEEKS AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN BUCKING NOTICE!” Shining Armor blinked before pointing a hoof at me.

“Okay, where is the real Stinky and what did you do to him? Usually Stinky’s mellow, happy, and doesn’t really know what’s going on. You… seem intelligent.” Shining said. Cadance was just staring at me in shock. “Maybe I accidentally stuffed a different changeling into my bag? After all, those guys love coming to our room for snuggles, and…”

“I’m Stinky,” I hopped out of the suitcase and shook myself off. “You stuffed me in a suitcase and left me in there for two weeks, without noticing. If you can’t tell, I’m a little mad about that…” I shook my head. “I’m stupid because I want to be stupid, don’t… Oh! Shiny!” I found a crystal ball just on the floor and started poking at it. “Really… pretty…” I picked it up in my jaws and started licking it. “So why is everything nice and shiny?” I looked around… even the bedsheets were shiny.

“Because,” Cadance snickered at my usual stupidity, a small break in her tired face. “We got sent to the Crystal Empire to keep King Sombra out, and we’re a bit…” Her face fell. Her horn’s also been lit the whole time. “Worn thin. We have a battalion of guards, but none of them can really do anything.” She slowly walked over to me, like it took a great deal of effort. “Sorry about stuffing you in the suitcase, I think Shiny was the one who did that, and not noticing. We’ve… got bigger fish to fry right now. For instance, King Sombra- eep!” Cadance flinched back when I licked her nose and nuzzled into her.

“Stop looking tired and depressed; I hate seeing my favorite, married, Princess be so… defeated.”

“Favorite, married Princess?”

“Yeah, you’re married, a Princess, and you’re my favorite. Is there anypony else that fits that description?” I said while firmly nuzzled under her wing while I groomed her.

“No, I suppose not…” Cadance sighed. “Well, you can share a room with me and Shining Armor, since the Crystal Castle is a bit filled with traps, and the throne room is really the only place that has- where are you-” I jumped out of a nearby window to go explore the Crystal Empire. I must sniff everything, I must lick everything, I must chew on at least one crystal before I can settle down and take a nap with Cadance!

I… must lick a Crystal Pony… there’s so many, but they hide at the very sight of me. Now I’m sad… Oh! A crystal bench, must… sniff.

I sniffed every inch, pony, and thing in the Crystal Empire. A lot of the ponies looked depressed, and looked kinda sad for some reason. I think I can see why, because I was staring into the eyes of a pony head, in the dark cloud of evilness, as it glared down at me. If something this ugly was sitting outside of my home, then I would probably be sad and depressed too. Especially when it keeps talking and talking and talking about how it knows what I am or something.

“Stinky…” The evil cloud pony said. “You could be so much more if you gave into your inner darkness.”

“Okay,” I tilted my head. “What’s inner darkness? Is it like this one time Celestia gave me a taco from some place called Bell Tacino, and I was stuck on the toilet for sixteen hours?”

“...What?” It asked. “What is a taco-nevermind-Stinky, just think mean thoughts. Think of how Luna once wanted to kill you out on the streets of Canterlot. Think, think of how-”

All I could think of was a waffle flopping over on a kitchen counter. “Waffles.” I tilted my head. “Why are you trying to think of poop?”

“Are you bucking stupid!?” Sombra, that’s the cloud pony’s name by the way. “Think of power! Think of being a bucking king! Something! Are you bucking stupid?” It groaned. “I think I’ll just try to kill you. You’re lucky that I can’t get to you, and that I’m on the other side of this shield spell.” He asked.

“So you’re a weak, stupid little pony?” I tilted my head again. “Because if you were big and strong like my old mother, you would reach around and cut my stomach open while laughing like a maniac!” By the way, I’ve been sitting in front of this cloud pony for weeks, six weeks actually. We’ve been talking, and this has been how our conversation has been going. He would try to get me to think of poopy thoughts, and then I try and can’t think of anything. Once, I thought of this. But then I forgot what I was thinking and it would piss Sombra off.

“I hate you.” Sombra groaned. “Wait… wasn’t I supposed to be stopping Princess Cadance from retrieving the Crystal Heart-

Meanwhile

“Wow, this test was really easy,” Twilight hummed. “After we found the Crystal Heart, passing the test was a piece of cake!” She cheered. “I can’t wait to see my grade!” She cheered. She then paused. “Hey Cadance,” the pink alicorn looked up, despite how tired she was. “Didn’t you and Shiny accidentally bring Stinky along? That’s why Queen Florial is here after all.” In the corner, there was a nearly unconscious Shining Armor, and two pissed off members of changeling royalty. Princess Skitters was shouting at him for kidnapping her brother and Queen Flarial was yelling at him as well.

The Queen was holding a rolling pin and a flag pole.

“Why is nopony helping me?” The Prince whimpered as slurs were shouted into his sensitive pony ears.

“You see… I offered to let Stinky stay with us until anypony could come to rescue him, but then he broke a window and jumped out of it. We haven’t heard from him since, though Sombra was staring at a specific point in the barrier, and it looked like he was talking with somepony.”

Well, the cloud pony is dead. Like there was a flash of light, an explosion of… some sort, and Sombra’s dead. Oh hey, there’s a wallet next to the dead corpse… and it’s loaded with bits. Now, I have no money, I have no use for money, but I could really use a train ticket so I could go home. The only problem is that I forgot the name of the capital city of Equestria, which is where I was living. So I’ll just go to the train station and buy a ticket, and hope for the best.

The train that I saw coming in earlier, that Sombra ignored because he was too busy talking to me, was still here. So I went up to the train station and bought a ticket for some random town called Appleloosa. That sounds like a name that ponies would name their capital city… I think. The pony working the train station gave me a weird look until I gave them the entirety of the wallet full of bits. Then they gave me a big, warm smile and gave me first class riding, whatever that meant.

I laid down in my chair and stared out the window…

Why are Twilight and her friends here? Why are they boarding the train? The train started up, and I hid under my seat while Twilight and her friends passed me.

“You’d think Queen Florial would come back to Canterlot as soon as she can,” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “C’mon, it’s Stinky… he… Okay, I get why she’s staying out here to search for him.” She snickered. “I can’t believe how badly your brother got beat! I also didn’t know a rolling pin could be used to break shield spells!”

“I… didn’t think Shiny’s shield could be broken,” Twilight said. “After all, it’s the strongest shield spell in all of Equestria.”

“Well, he did accidentally kidnap Queen Florial’s son,” Apple Jack chimed in. “I’m just surprised that she’s that strong.”

“She isn’t,” Futtershy added rather quietly. “I’ve seen maternal aggression in my animals before. Queen Flarial… was in full, raging mother mode. Didn’t Queen Chrysalis beat Celestia in a fight? And Queen Flarial claims to be stronger than Chrysalis?” She asked. I tuned them out after finding old chewing gum on the top of my seat, and I started chewing on it. The sound of the mares slowly grew more and more distant as they were shown their own train car.

I watched the landscape as the train passed through fields, mountains, forests… Oh, a lake! I want to go to that lake. I hummed, before head butting the window and jumping out.

“Hey, isn’t that Stinky?” Rainbow pointed at the train car in front of them. Low and behold, there was a changeling staring out the window, wearing the necklace Stinky usually wore, along with the collar that Luna had put on him at some point after claiming him as her consort. “Shouldn’t we get him?”

“Yeah, we should- oh dear Celestia,” Rarity cringed. “He just broke the window with his head.” All but Pinkie Pie cringed, that had to hurt.

“Hey! Stinky just jumped out the window!” Pinkie pointed out.

“HE BUCKING WHAT!?” The Elements of Harmony watched as Stinky tucked, ducked, and rolled as he collided with the ground. He rolled for a few minutes, before coming to a stop. He got up, shook himself off and started trotting over to a lake off in the distance… They were nearly five hundred fourteen thousand miles away from Canterlot. In fact, because of how far north the Crystal Empire was, the train had to go through Griffonia… Apple Jack lifted her hat up and pulled out some emergency, extra strong apple cider and started chugging the thing.

Stinky just jumped out of the speeding train, and was perfectly fine, in the middle of bucking Griffonia, to… swim in a lake.

“...Who wants to tell Queen Flarial that we didn’t stop her son from hopping out of a train?” Apple Jack slurred. She was drunk now.

“How the buck do we even tell anypony what the buck just happened to Stinky?!” Twilight shouted. “What? We found Stinky, but he jumped out of a moving train and lived? Something like that would kill most ponies, and he just shrugged it off! I couldn’t grab him with my magic because he’s too far away, and this happened fourteen thousand bucking miles away from his home? If anypony heard us, they’d think we’re crazy!”

They all sat in horror as a bear charged Stinky, only for Stinky to turn into a hydra and slap the thing into a nearby tree.

Somehow, that was the most shocking thing that the mares had seen from Stinky. He has self preservation skills.

I sniffed the water and sat down. This is nice. I’m going to have a nice vacation in… I think this is somewhere in Equestria. I just beat up a bear because it wanted to eat me, and now I got to go swimming again. Now if only I could tell Skitters and Mom so that we can all have a vacation. I’ve never learnt how to actually ride a train, but I think this is Appleloosa, so that means I’m… where’s Canterlot Castle? I think I’m missing an important detail about where I am, or where my home is.

Author's Note

Stinky’s going to be lost for the next few chapters and he won’t even know it. he will start revolutions, get kings killed, and all sorts of things… on accident.

Stinky Takes Griffonia… On Accident.

I was staring down at a griffin, his belly was cut open, and I had a pair of cooking tongues. The inside of him was… very different from the inside of a changeling. For instance, his stomach was huge and he had red blood. He also had this white, solid stuff, whatever that was, so I removed those.

I had recently gotten a job in this place called Griffonia as a ‘Royal Doctor’ somehow. So, I was giving an operation on the King, currently since he recently got crushed by a chandelier. Now, the problem was, he had three broken ribs, and all his legs were broken. I was supposed to put a cast on him, but I was left alone to ‘focus’ on the king.

Oh whoops, I’m getting ahead of myself again. So this all started shortly after I got done taking a bath in the lake I wanted to swim in.

I had crawled out of a hole that I dug for myself for the night. I don’t think I’m in Appleloosa anymore, since Luna would’ve come and grabbed me in the middle of the night. And there were no apples, ponies, and there were a bunch of griffins staring down at me. They were looking into my hole and were shouting at me to come on out. They had crossbows, knives and clubs. I, being a smart changeling, slowly backed away from them when they started demanding money
from me.

And ran when they started telling me to hold still. When they took flight, I rolled my eyes. If only I had wings so I could fly away. I ran into the nearby forest and had managed to lose sight of them. I didn’t stop running for six hours until I managed to reach a town full of… weird looking lions. They look like their mothers, or fathers, suck at seeing things and mate with a bird here and there. The lions were all half bird, half cat. Maybe I can… oh a poster! I like those. It was… a poster of a birdcat that had a crown.

“Hail to King Scar, bow down to his might, or die.”

Oh… he’s a dictator. Oh well, not my problem. I happily walked around until… I need food. How do I get food? I could get money to pay for the food, or I could get love. Every single birdcat here tastes like they’re all depressed, sad, lonely, and are going to die alone. Maybe because they’re ruled over by a dictator in what might possibly be a city state. I want dinner, I want to obtain something to eat, and I don’t think I can eat any rocks here without getting killed.

So maybe I can get a job somewhere! That’ll solve my food problems!

The following program is a series of interviews that Stinky partook in while searching for a job. If you are allergic to Stinky being an idiot, do not read forward… still here? Well, you have been warned.

“Why should I hire you?” A female griffin asked. She worked for a grocery store, and was one of the few griffins willing to hire me. I tilted my head. “Okay, that question has an obvious reason; you need money. Why do you want to work for me?”

“I’ve never been in a grocery store before. I always lived with a pony named Luna, another I call Tia, and I live way in somewhere down in Equestria.”

“Ah, so a predator wants to get away from prissy little ponies!” The hen threw her arms in the air. “I like you already. What is your work background?”

“I used to shovel coal, move carts full of coal, carts of dead changelings that are about to get tossed in a river. Sometimes I have to mine stone with my teeth to get at the raw ores the Hive needed to survive and thrive. I also worked in a cafe where I was a perfectly adequate employee that met expectations but didn’t exceed. Once I talked to this pony cloud named Sombra, and we had a nice, long talk about politics.”

“What the fuck are you on about?”

“I don’t know. Am I hired?”

“Maybe…”

Two hours later

“You had a two hour shift, and all you had to do was cash out customers’ items…” My new boss stared at a piece of paper. “And you didn’t make a single one of them pay!?” She shouted. My ears hurt. “How the buck do you not know the basics of trade. Customers have money, we have food they want and need, customers give money, we give them food! How do-”

“What’s money? It sounds bad.” The griffin twitched. “Like it sounds like it would make a lot of people evil and cause more problems than it solves.”

…

…

“You’re fucking fired.” That wasn’t family friendly.

So, after my first job as a cashier ended up with me getting fired, I went out into the streets of… wherever I am, just sniffing random things. I sniffed and sniffed, and ended up getting hired as a waiter at a restaurant. It was great, I could feed on ambient love, I can get money to get on a train again, and I can get free food.

It was going great by the way, somebody named Scar walked in and had ordered a nice, juicy steak. Since the current chef was… on break, I decided to take up cooking. I’ve baked cakes before, what is so different about cooking meat? I stuck it in the over after covering it yeast for ten minutes.

It was still pink, but it was lightly breaded now, so you couldn’t see the rawness off it.

“Stinky,” my new boss asked, a male griffin that looked like a noble in Canterlot. “Why are you in the kitchen, cooking a steak?”

“The chef was on break,” I said, tilting my head. “So somebody had to cook a steak, since I live with ponies, my experience isn’t very large, but following instructions is easy.” I didn’t have any instructions.

“Well, hopefully King Scar enjoys his food.” My boss shook his head and walked out the door to the king.

King Scar left the restaurant… in a stretcher. The food was very undercooked and it gave him severe food poisoning.

So, I got fired again after the Scar guy got sick. So, I walked into the castle because they were hiring medical staff… I got interviewed and… here’s how it went:

“What is your experience?” The secretary, and my future boss asked. “Do you know how to perform surgeries?”

I then proceeded to list off every single animal that Queen Chrysalis bisected and went into full detail about what was inside each animal, along with a very detailed description of what is inside of a changeling. Right down to the color of the blood to the size of the organ. The interviewer looked shocked.

“I… do you know how to give surgeries to griffins?”

“No!”

“I can’t give you a job…”

initiating serious Stinky…

“Give me a job or I will make you feel bad. Like imagine stubbing your toe and then promptly stepping on a foal’s building block.” I paused for a moment. “Please give me a job, I’ll even clean your toilets!

“Really?”

I was sitting next to a toilet using a toilet brush and some breach. It was sparkling clean. After five weeks, the castle is finally clean. I jammed the brush far into the toilet and probably broke it, before walking away. I trotted around the castle, cleaning tables, windows, poking random maids in the eye with my tongue. Various things. Apparently a restaurant got shut down after the owners for it went missing; they served the king an uncooked piece of meat that nearly killed him from various food borne illnesses.

So those owners just mysteriously went missing.

I got a job, after guilt tripping my current employer. Now I am a humble maid, happily cleaning, arranging things, and sniffing things at random. Since the king had finally recovered, it was my turn to arrange the dining hall. So, that was what I set out to do. Halfway through though, I got bored, and started trying to see if I could get forks and spoons stuck in the chandeliers that were hanging from the ceiling. I had forty spoons stuck in the one hanging over the king’s seat, so I think I did a good job. I put more forks and spoons in place to help with making sure nopony would be missing the forks and spoons I threw, or ate, and went about my business.

The dining room was… perfect.

I went down to the doctor’s office and actually met the doctor on the way to the office, by headbutting him on the way upstairs. The poor griffin doctor grunted, and because he was old, he got very badly injured from me headbutting him, because he also lost his balance and fell down the stairs. He squawked, crowed, and cursed on the way down and was a bloody mess… So I went down the stairs again, took his uniform and dragged him upstairs to give him a proper medical lookover.

He’ll make a full recovery, he just broke his leg, so I put it in a cast.

And injected him with a lot of painkillers because he wouldn’t stop groaning and moaning at the pain he was in. After a quick lookover, I made my way over to the kitchen to help cook the king’s food, and made a perfect three layer cake.

The king will have a good day.

So, dinner was going on without a hitch, the king got food that didn’t give him food poisoning. I recently learnt that I am currently in Griffonia while acting as a waiter for the evening. So far, I didn’t mind the fact that the king was… talking about executing people for mildly expressing themselves. So, I just sat there, wide eyed as he went over various execution methods. And he was talking about trying to kill Celestia because she was currently allying with changelings.

“But sir, we have a changeling on staff.”

“And it will be forced to watch as we kill Queen Flarial; she needs to die finally.” I blinked a couple of times… He wants to hurt Mom? He wants to hurt my mommy! That’s not cool! I suppressed a growl, before looking up at the chandelier. You see, it was about to fall out of the ceiling because I threw two hundred and seven forks into it… and six hundred and twenty two spoons as well.

“Well, changeling? Do you renounce your loyalty to any Queen?”

“Huh?” I tilted my head. I took a butter knife off the table without anyone noticing, and used a levitation spell to poke at the chandelier. I also made sure to rearrange where the mints were on the table… right next to where there was soda. The chandelier dropped and broke the table… Then the ceiling caved and fell on the griffins around the table.

I was perfectly fine.

“Somebody get a doctor!

“Medic!” I was the only working doctor in the palace, since the other one died. Apparently his broken leg got an infection, and that might’ve made him not live anymore. I need to find the doctor that healed that doctor, because they did a bad job. Laying before me was the griffin king.

He had several broken legs, and his belly was cut open so I could stop the internal bleeding that he was experiencing. With a pair of grill tongues, I removed his insides at random, since I didn’t know what was going on, and replaced something that was red and beating, with a ketchup bottle. What? It was making red stuff and ketchup is red, so clearly that would keep him alive.

I sewed the king up, stuck a lollipop in his mouth and walked out of the medical office. Standing before it was a fuckload of griffins.. “Step aside, doctor! This is our chance to rid our country of a tyrant!” One of the griffins shouted. A choir of ‘yeahs!’ Filled the room.

“Go for it, he said he wanted to kill my mommy,” I stepped aside and all the griffins stumbled inside.

“The king’s dead!” All of a sudden, I was swept up in a big hug and I was confused.

“Now presenting… King Stinky!” I was standing on a balcony, wearing a crown that was too big for my head, and a royal, red robe. I stared down at my audience and blinked. Why am I a king? All I did was accidentally misplace the old king’s organs and gave him a ketchup bottle to replace something that was apparently very important.

“We, the castle staff, have been watching this brave, valorant little changeling. He put himself in a position where he could tend to the king’s wounds, we watched him set up a death trap for the king before his last meal was prepared. King Stinky… won our hearts by taking out that dictator from the shadows!” I blinked a couple more times.

What the fuck is going on?

A Narrator took over because Stinky’s brain had to be used, and it didn’t work very well. Over the next coming weeks, Stinky made an education system, started up a new economy, and was now the beloved leader of the Griffins. You see, Celestia’s agents had been trying to take down King Scar for the last few decades; he was a dictator, an evil one. For instance, he would… murder you and your family for mildly criticizing him. If any ponies, specifically mares were in Griffonia, they promptly went missing and nopony would be able to find them.

With that said, Stinky released all of the prisoners that King Scar was holding up.

And, of course, Celestia caught wind of the actions our favorite, stupid little changeling was doing. She stared down at all the laws and bills that had been passed, and blinked a few times. Luna was looking at another set of documents and newspapers regarding Stinky’s current takeover of Griffonia. Queen Flarial and Princess Skitters were also helping do some research, seeing as it was their son and brother that was ruling a kingdom on his own.

“How in the actual buck did Stinky manage to become a monarch within a week?” Celestia asked. “He killed a king, on accident according to any and all interviews, in a long series of convoluted events that led to King Scar’s death, and was crowned king. He even built a better prison system than what Equestria has, where it tries to reform criminals… Or make them mysteriously disappear if they are beyond reforming. Oh dear.”

Luna was the next to comment. “Sister, he accidentally built a court system better than our Day and Night Courts. Anypony or creature that has a petition mails it into the crown first, and then Stinky’s team of advisors, which consists of just Stinky, determines if it is worth his time or not. Granted, he doesn’t think and approves all petitions anyways, so he falls into the same trap that we did, while making our courts, but he has a better system in place.

“My son killed a king, all on his own?” Queen Flarial asked. “With a ketchup bottle, according to experts who were studying King Scar.” She got up. “I am going to yell at your student, Celestia, how she managed to lose a changeling that was right in front of her is beyond me. So if you will excuse me,” the changeling melted into the floor.

Skittles got out of her chair. “I suppose that means I’ll have to go retrieve my brother before he accidentally finds a way to make himself immortal, and pull a Celestia.” The named alicorn raised an eyebrow. “As in work a thousand years straight without a vacation or sick day. Seriously, take a day off, Celestia.” Suddenly, a portal opened up and grabbed Luna, evil laughter could be heard. “Aren’t you-”

“I can send my student to retrieve Luna; Alicorns don’t die very easily, so Lulu will be fine.

Weird, somebody took the perspective away from me.

Anyways, ruling is pretty stressful, so I came up with a plan. I made a plan to leave the country. I heard of a bunch of monsters that kidnapped a blue pony at some point. So, I grabbed a butter knife, a loaf of bread, and a whole potato. Six mares, the same scary mares from Canterlot, came by. They said they were going to retrieve me until they got a letter from Celestia saying Luna got kidnapped, and she somehow knows Luna’s exact coordinates, but due to some, long, dumb, convoluted reason, could not get Luna herself.

Meaning I now had a party of mares to rescue Luna. Twilight sighed, as I made her not take the role as leader as we rolled out the gates. As I walked by, female griffins were asking me to have their children, while the males were begging me not to go. I pointed them to the new king, which wasn’t a pillow with googly eyes I glued onto it, before heading off.

King Feather Pillow can take care of the kingdom while I take an extended, possibly permanent break from ruling.

Author's Note

Queen Flarial has taken over this A/N:

“WHERE THE BUCK DID TWILIGHT SPARKLE GO!?”

Luna Got Kidnapped, so I have to Rescue Her.

Pokemares: This Stinky Edition. Last time on the story that stinks, Stinky took down a dictatorship and formed a monarch, which soon bloomed into a bustling democracy. Luna and Celestia were doing their damned best to bring Stinky home, only for Master Hand, yes that one from smashing your brother, kidnapped her... to have a cup of tea. Logically, because Master Hand wants to see an old friend, he must get murdered for his crimes of wanting to be happy.

Also, Twilight Sparkle and the rest of her friends had successfully located Stinky and informed him of what happened to the Moon Princess that may or may not wish to mate with him. Soon, we will join our heroes through thick, thin, we will cry with them, and it will Stink.

But first, we must establish our party members.

Hoofy Doofy Character Guide Below:

Stinky Stink Bug Beatle Juice the First: there are many changelings like him, but this one is mine.
Type: Bug
Stick Bug
Ability: Bug

Max HP: Bug
Attack: Bug
Defense: Bug
Special Attack: Bug
Special Defense: Bug
Speed: Bug.

Moves:

Blink: blink a few times.
Breathe. Breathe air, it’s good for Stinky.
Charm: be adorable. That’s it.
Bug.

Ability: BUG! BUG! BUG! BUG! BUGGGGGGG!

Twilight Sparkle:

Type: Psychic
Ability: Plot Armor; she will grow wings.

Max HP: 230
Attack: 40
Defense: 40
Special Attack: it’s over nine thousand.
Special Defense: it’s over nine thousand.
Speed: it’s under negative nine thousand, but she can teleport so it’s okay.

Moves:
Psychic: unicorns are natural psychics
Kick: every pony has this. Stinky is not a pony and doesn’t even know that he has legs.
Book throw: when in doubt, hit your foe with a heavy book.
Spike Shield: Spike the Dragon makes for a great meat shield.

Second Ability: Big Brain. Because of Plot Armor, Twilight gets these abilities at random.

Big Brain: confuse your enemies with dumb facts.

Pinkamina Diane Pie:

Nickname: Pinkie Pie the Third of Maris Prance of the United Coltdem.

Type: Pink

Max HP: ???

Attack: 9999
Defense: 9999
Special attack: Pinkie
Special defense: Pie
Speed: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,00,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,00,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,00,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,00,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,00,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,00,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

Yes, she can mega evolve. This is done through neglecting her. As your first Pokemare, she is able to mega evolve.

Moves:

Cake Throw: Cake makes ponies smile, but it can also kill them in large doses
Party Cannon: Where does she keep these things?
Kick: it’s a kick.
Magikarp’s Revenge: Pinkie Pie is part Magikarp somehow. Yes, her distant relative is a fucking fish.

Rainbow Dash:
Type: Flying
Nickname: Asshole

Attack: 128
Defense: 128
Special attack: 10
Special defense: 10
Speed: 120

Moves:

Gallop
Attack
Yell your battle cry
Kick

Ability: Sonic Rain BOOM: be fast, make colors, be Rainbow Dash. Cool girls don’t look at explosions, they make them and get arrested for terrorism.

Fluttershy:
(special: This is the Fluttershy from Friendship is Witchcraft, so she’s a bit of an asshole)
Type: Flying
Ability: Shy fighter

Shy Fighter: stats are halved until Fluttershy gets mad.

Stats:

Attack: 190
Defense: 190
Special Attack: 190
Special Defense: 190
Speed: 190

Moves:

Kick: much weaker because of Shy Fighter
Rabid Animals: don’t ask how Fluttershy can make friends with rabid animals
Spike Club: Wait, where’d she get that?
Clubbing Spike: why is she hitting a dragon over the head with a club. Very effective against dragons. Especially ones named Spike.

Apple Jack:

Type: ground
Ability: Buck: she can kick

Attack: it’s a really big number, just take 300 and subtract 1.
Defense: 200
Special Attack: 0
Special Defense: 0
Speed: 120

Moves:
Kick
Harder kick
A kick in the shin
Lasso, Grapple, Kick.

Yes, Apple Jack only knows how to kick and to be a lie detector. Her cooking skills don’t matter when people are trying to kill her.

Rarity:

Type: Psychic
Ability: Ruined Mane

Ruined Mane: ruin her hair, and she’ll get really angry and she will hurt somebody very badly over it.

Attack: 50
Defense: 50
Special attack: 65
Special defense: 66
Speed: 40

Moves:

Kick
Fancy Magic
Slap
Lady-Fashionably Kick Your Butt

After we left behind Gryphus, I was leading the Six Scary Mares because Twilight kept getting me to go south. Instead, I took charge and started leading us northwest… I think that’s what the compass says. It points in one direction, so I follow it. Weirdly, it has two different pointers. Instead of NESW, there was Twelve, Three, Six and Nine. There was actually a third pointer that went by really quickly, so I followed the shortest pointer because I am short.

And Twilight wasn’t happy about it.

“Stinky, you’re holding a pocket watch, not a compass. We’re not going to get anywhere, we aren’t getting anywhere. Look, we’re in the middle of nowhere, you just ate our map because you felt like it or something and…” Twilight sighed. “If you were not adorable, I would be way more mad. Right now, running in the wilderness seems like a good idea. Your Mom’s a bit scary.”

“As in Chrysalis or Florial?” I asked, tilting my head. “Because Florial is Best Mom. Chrysalis is the one that stuck needles in between the cracks in my carapace because she thought it was funny.”

“…Florial. She found out that we lost you somehow, and went full mother bear on us,” Fluttershy shivered. “She really misses you, you know.”

“I know… I want to cuddle with her.”

“So why didn’t you let us take you on the train and take you home when we were in Gryphus?” Twilight asked.

“What’s that?”

“The city we left a couple hours ago, duh,” Rainbow Dash waved her hoof. “Stinky, do you even know where Canterlot Castle is?”

“Hmmm….” I hummed, you can tell by the Hmmming that’s going on. “Canterlot? What’s that?””

“How do you not know what that…” Rainbow face hoofed before answering me. “Canterlot is on a mountain.” Oh. That would explain why I couldn’t find the castle I was supposed to be living in.

“Okay, something’s wrong,” Twilight said while rubbing her temples. “Stinky, Rainbow Dash of all ponies is questioning how smart you are. What the buck happened to the changeling that beat Celestia in chess forty three times in a row?”

“A waffle fell over on the counter,” I stopped when we saw a giant hydra, just staring down at us and blocking the path.

“Good news…” Twilight sighed. “How did you use a clock to get us to the Everfree Forest, what in Celestia’s name?” I looked around and we were in a very evil looking forest. Huh.

Battle, START!

Go! Twilight Sparkle!

Plot Armor has activated, Twilight will be unable to die.

“Stinky, why the buck are you just standing there?” Rainbow Dash asked as the changeling was just sitting on his butt, staring at the hydra while it battled the Elements. Fluttershy went and hid behind a rock, and Apple Jack just got thrown at a tree. Meanwhile, Stinky was swaying his head side to side to a nonexistent beat while Twilight blasted the Hydra with a spell. Pinkie was off being Pinkie, and Rarity had gotten some dirt in her mane. After a few moments of sitting there, Stinky stands up.

The changeling waddled up to the hydra and stuck a hoof in the monster’s stomach. He yelped and ran away… the ponies were wondering why until a meteor fell from the sky and crushed the hydra in an instant. “What…?” The changeling whispered before shrugging. How the impact of the space rock didn’t immediately make a giant, life ending explosion was beyond everypony and everyling present.

“I swear to bucking Celestia, that changeling is the luckiest little bug on the planet,” Apple Jack sighed. “We all struggle with the hydra for thirty minutes, that changeling taps it, and it immediately gets killed by a space rock.” They all turned to see Stinky waddling away in the direction of Ponyville. “Well, we can at least return him to Canterlot and keep looking for Luna.”

“I agree, I think Stinky may be a liability sometimes,” Twilight sighed. “As cute as he is, he’s not the brightest star in the sky.”

I managed to walk into Horse Town, or Ponyville as the ponies call it, and immediately hopped on the train for some place called Baltimare, which is a weird way to spell Canterlot. I didn’t buy tickets, no, I broke a window in the side of the train, and hopped in it while I could hear Twilight and her friends yelling at me as the train went off. The only reason why I knew where the train was heading was because the conductor said something over the speaker system.

Somewhere in the multiverse

Princess Luna was sitting across from a floating hand. A teapot sat between them, that was mainly for her benefit rather than the disembodied hand floating before her. They were playing cards and ‘gambling’ away jelly beans every hand, or hoof, depending on who you were asking.

“Huzzah! I won again!” Luna giggled. “Master Hand, over the thousands of years that I’ve known you, I think you’re losing your edge.” Master Hand closed in, forming a fist while sticking its thumb out. It rotated its thumb and did a ‘kinda’ gesture. “Well, it was a wonderful time spending the day with you. Though next time to be a little more gentle when you inevitably foal napping me. Even if it’s traditional, this time I think you bruised something.”

Master hand raised a finger, a ‘one moment’ sign. He floated behind Luna before picking her up and squeezing gently. Not hard enough to actually harm the Princess, mind you, just enough for her to feel it. “Oh…” Luna moaned. “That feels good. This is why I let you foal nap me once every decade; you’re the best masseuse I’ve ever met… It’s like a giant minotaur.”

Master Hand was glowing slightly red, something that went completely over the Princess’s head. After a moment, Luna was set down, given a few chin scratches and head pats, before she was promptly booped on the nose. One nip made Master Hand shyly back away. Luna giggled, nuzzled Master Hand, and backed away. “Same time in ten years?” Master Hand gave her a thumb’s up, before he snapped his fingers.

Luna found herself sitting next to Celestia at their tea table.

“You know, I sent Twilight and her friends after you so they could grab Stinky and rescue you. I thought Crazy Hand snatched you… Though given that you’re not drunk, or under some form of narcotics, I assume it was Master Hand’s turn to hang out with you?”

“It was. He is a rather gentle gentlecolt… Wait, is Stinky back?”

A crystal ball floated up. Stinky just disembarked from a train in Baltimare. He waddled around, sniffing the ground, before promptly sticking his head into a mailbox and pulled out a giant bag of bits that were marked as ‘Grrreat and Powerful Trixie’s Taxes’ and wandering further into town.

“So that’s where Miss Lulamoon’s taxes went this year. Should we still arrest her for tax fraud?” Luna asked.

“Mmm. We should’ve arrested her after she tried taking over Ponyville that one time. We do selectively not imprison or execute certain creatures if we believe them to be useful. Remember Sombra?” Celestia asked.

“You kept him alive because he was good in bed, and you both needed to relieve stress.”

“Luna, how do you-“

“Take me, you Shiny Pain in My Back Side’!” Luna said, almost perfectly imitating King Sombra’s voice. “I could hear you from my side of the castle, and our bedrooms were literally on the opposite side of our old home. The whole City of Everfree could hear you and Sombra having ‘fun’. Now you and Queen Flarial can be heard from Ponyville with how much you two ‘get it on’ as the foals’ say.”

“…Fuck you Luna.”

“That is a weird fantasy, sister!”

“I am going to send you to the bucking moon again, I swear…”

I got done taking a bag full of bits, because I needed bits to find a hotel. I started walking towards a random hotel. “Changeling!” A random mare shouted. Somepony else ran at me and hit me over the head with a wooden board. After years of receiving blunt force head trauma from my old Mommy, it didn’t do anything. I got hit again and again, I whimpered a couple of times before catching the board with my hooves. I started glaring at the pony in front of me; I was tired of being hate crimed.

“That’s rude,” I growled. “I just wanted to go find a hotel for the night. Please stop hitting me over the head with a two by four wooden board, or I will burn, cry and be sad.”

“Go ahead! You can cry while you’re sitting in the dungeons!” Some random Royal Guard shouted at me. I glared at him. “What?”

“What’s your name?”

“Sergeant Strike, you stupid bug. What’s it to ya?” I wrote the name down.

“Buck you. When I get home, I am going to buy a basket of eggs, and your house will be covered in several hundred bits’ worth of eggs.” I still don’t know how many eggs a hundred bits would get me, but I will egg this stallion’s home. Though I don’t know where Canterlot is.

“And what are you doing to my brother?” Oh, that sounds like Sissy. I turned around, and there was my sister. She was undisguised in all of her glory. Despite the glares she was getting, several stallions were trying to get a look at her flanks and hips, like a bunch of weirdos. “Stinky, are you okay… why is your carapace dented?” She felt around my head for a while, before eying me closer. She slowly turned to the mare that was hitting me with a wooden board. The mare slowly realized what she was doing.

“Why were you hitting my precious brother over the head with a piece of wood? He isn’t doing anything wrong.” She eyed me for a moment, noting the bag that I was now holding with my fangs. She giggled for a moment, because she thought I was cute for some reason. “Why are you holding some random mare’s taxes?”

“What are taxes?”

“Mmm… She won’t miss them anyways.” Skitters nuzzled me and pulled me into a hug. “You were gone for two weeks,” she whispered. “Now let your ‘big’ sister handle all these mean ponies, and we’ll hop on a train back for Canterlot.”

Half an hour later, Baltimore Town Hall was burning to the ground, the mare that was hitting me was tied up, with a leash, to a street lamp, and the Royal Guard was knocked out and dragged by the tail on the train. I shrunk down to ride on Skitter's back, and she was happily prancing back on the train. Because my sister wasn’t boring, or scary, like the Six Scary Mares, I actually behaved and sat next to her the whole train ride to… Canterlot. I never knew Canterlot was on the side of a mountain…

Oh well, most of the train ride was spent with me cuddling with my sister, and that’s all I cared about. Skitters must’ve missed me, because she was grooming me the entire time, which felt lovely. “I cannot wait to show you my new special somepony! I bet you’ll love him. He goes by ‘the doctor’ for some reason. He’s a bit of a weirdo, but he’s so sweet!” I blinked a couple times… Skitters is very happy. It’s… kinda cute.

I don’t know who this doctor is, but if he breaks my sister’s heart, I will break his spinal cord. You no hurty my little sissy.

Author's Note

sorry about how long it took to get this chapter out. i just had severe writer's block, as you could tell. I'll try and get another chapter out soon.

This is My Filly. She is Mine. I Love Her.

I waddled up to the bed in my room that saw next to no use. Lying on the bed was my pet filly, the one I stole from Tartarus. In my mouth was a baseball, and on my back was a pair of baseball gloves. What my little filly was doing, was coloring in a coloring book I may, or may not have stolen from some random store in Canterlot. I also might’ve used a percent of Shining Armor’s payroll to buy the best crayon, marker, and paint sets that I could. Cozy Glow was happily humming away, coloring in her coloring book, resting her head in one hoof while coloring with the other.

“Oh, hey Dad!” Oh yeah, she took to calling me ‘dad’ really quickly. You do not understand just how happy I was when she first called me that… Cozy happily waved at me and showed me what she was drawing… Aw, it’s a photo of two ponies with knives sticking out of their skulls. The words written above the drawing said ‘I hate my parents’. I ignored that, since she was my filly, and I was her parents now. I don’t know where foals come from, since I don’t think ponies have sex in order to have foals like changelings when they want a nymph.

Her coloring skills were rough, a bit graphic, but rather nice. I hopped up on the bed, baseball in mouth and curled around her. In a heartbeat, Cozy Glow nuzzled up against my chest and sighed. “This is so much better than living with mother and father.” She giggled and rested her head against my chest. “Why are you holding a baseball in your mouth? You’ve got magic to use.”

Oh. I did. I dropped the baseball and my magic immediately stopped the spit covered ball from falling on the bed… thank Chrysalis; Ms. Breeze would kill me if I ruined another set of bedsheets.

“I wanted to play catch with you. You’re my daughter, and I want to play with you.”

“...Oh. Sorry for not immediately noticing.” She gave me big, sad eyes. She stuck her lower lip out. “Can you forgive me?”

“Are you trying to emotionally manipulate a changeling?” I asked. “Because that doesn’t work very well.” Especially when all that I can think of is a waffle falling over on the kitchen counter. “You are cute though, I’ll give you that.” I wrapped my forelegs around Cozy and nuzzled her a couple of times.

“Darnit… Golly, I am stupid. Why did I think I could manipulate a creature that knows what I’m feeling?” Now she was genuinely feeling sad. So what do you do when your pet filly feels sad? I personally roll my filly over onto her back, like I just did. And then I brought my nose up to her belly and started blowing raspberries into it. “Dad! Stop!” She squirmed and giggled and tried to push my snout away from her precious little belly. Unfortunately for her, I like hearing my child laugh, so I would not be swayed by her attempts to save herself.

I licked her cheeks after I thoroughly tickled her, cleaning any and all tears away while I make sure that she didn’t accidentally soil anything when I tickled her… everything was clean, Cozy was gasping for air, but happily laying her head against my shoulder while I laid my own head over her back.

“You’re my filly. If anypony or anyling gives you any trouble, let me know. Alright?” Cozy glared at me in her tickled euphoria, before just laying there for a while.

About two hours later, I caught a baseball with my mouth. I was playing with Cozy Glow while I was waiting. Luna finally grew a spine and asked me out on a date. “Make sure you don’t lick random mares,” Cozy said as she caught the ball.

“But can I lick Luna’s nose?”

“You can, on the second date…” Cozy sat down and held onto the ball instead of throwing it. “This is so weird.”

“What’s weird?” I asked.

“Being in the past. Somewhere, there’s another one of me, just sitting in a room, being neglected. Then I’m here, Playing catch with an unreformed changeling, who forcefully adopted me, and is making me behave just by letting me be a filly and taking care of me. Buck, you even know how to cook somehow, and you’re a changeling! You shouldn’t know how to cook!”

“I worked in a cafe while in disguise.”

“Oh.”

“So why is this weird?”

“You’re a bucking time traveller! This has to be in the past. You were dating Luna when I was put in Twilight’s of Friendship. Twilight doesn’t own a school right now, Twilight doesn’t have wings, and Twilight isn’t a Princess! This has to be the past.”

“Oh. How did I time travel?”

“I don't know anymore, and you don’t either!”

“Could it be another universe?”

“...That is something I would not expect to come out of your mouth.”

“Okay.”

“...Dad, you are stupid.”

“I know.”

“...Luna’s left leg…” My daughter facehoofed, and took a deep breath. “Thank you for taking me out of Tartarus, by the way. No matter how nonsensical and stupid you are, you are my dad now. So I guess I can be happy with how things are turning out. I can finally use a coloring book with a full set of crayons… it’s a lot more satisfying than emotionally manipulating everypony into doing what I want them to do.” I was now sitting right in front of her, ruffling her mane with my hoof that I turned into a griffin claw.

I then planted a kiss on her forehead and she froze up.

“Dad.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” She nuzzled into my forelegs like a cat, and leaned against them like a dog right afterwards. I held her close and nuzzled her some more, and started grooming her mane. My filly.

I was sitting across from Luna in a restaurant. She was wearing a nice, white dress that went nicely with her dark blue coat. I was wearing the suit I wore to Cadance’s wedding. Luna had gotten herself a nice salad as an appetizer and I was eating a chair leg… No, I was actually eating a nice, juicy apple that I might’ve brought with me because I can’t afford to eat anything else… I stole the apple from Apple Jack at some point.

Also, I was eating a salad because Luna made me get it; she said she was paying and wanted to treat me to a nice dinner.

“So, how is raising a filly from the future?” Luna asked.

“She’s adorable!” I pulled out a drawing that Cozy Glow made. It was of the two of us playing in the snow. On it was a ‘I love my bug horse’. Bug horse is a slur typically used against changelings. I think my daughter might be super racist. “We played catch, I cuddled with her, bathed her, carried her through the castle while prancing, while holding her by the scruff of her neck. She was super embarrassed and complained about how I was showing her off to the world like any proud parent would!”

“She called you a slur.”

“So?”

“She’s racist.”

“And?”

“You don’t care, do you?”

“Everypony is a bit racist. You tried to cut my head off when we first met.”

“Look I-”

“I’m just messing with you. A slur is just the word. At least the slur she used didn’t start with an N.”

“What the buck are you talking about?”

“Cheese is made of moon.”

“Okay…” Luna giggled when everyone else looked at me. “I think you’re confusing everypony here.”

“Good. They’re a bunch of mustangs.”

“...That’s a slur, Stinky.”

“...That’s a shame. I wonder why my daughter is racist.”

I laid down next to Cozy Glow for the night, after a nice romantic dinner, me and Luna shared our first kiss, ever. So I was loaded on love and I was about ready to explode. “So, how did the date go?” My filly asked, looking up at me with big curious eyes.

“She kissed me.”

“...Good. If Princess Luna somehow broke your heart, I would’ve broken her legs.”

“That’s messed up.”

“And it would’ve been messed up if Luna broke your heart. You two clearly love each other, and it would be cruel if she decided to break up with you now.”

Cozy Glow

I nuzzled into the bug horse that decided to steal me from the future and adopt me. What I don’t understand is how this weird little changeling managed to win Luna in the end. Heck, in the future, they were actually married and Luna was carrying Stinky’s biological foal when she had captured me. I… almost felt bad for using this changeling as a hostage; he’s actually quite nice when you get the chance to know him… even if he was purposefully being an idiot most of the time.

Stinky nuzzled my ear before licking the inside of it… oh, that feels good. That feels so… lovely. If only my mother and father did this to me before I ended up attempting to burn down the fundamentals of Equestria to the ground. I leaned into the changeling’s nose as he moved from one ear to the next, after turning his hooves into griffin claws, and started rubbing my cheeks while he groomed the inside of my ears, my main, and he even started preening my wings. This changeling is fucking awesome!

Way better than using a psychotic, power hungry centaur as a father figure. Before I knew it, I was sleepily resting my head against Stinky’s neck, and he immediately went into mother bear mode. He started vigilantly eying the door, wrapped his tail around me, and pulled me so close with his forelegs that I was almost smushed into his carapace. Luckily, a changeling’s carapace was almost as soft as a pony’s skin, so it wasn’t uncomfortable. He nuzzled me a couple more times as I drifted off to sleep.

Queen Florial

I snuck into my son’s room to find that he and my newly acquired granddaughter were snuggling together. Me, being the happy grandma that I now was, snuck over to the bed and carefully extracted the filly in my son’s grasps. It was nearly six in the morning, so he would be waking up soon. Cozy however, being the young filly she was without any school to attend, was mine until she woke up. I set her on my withers and tip toed back out of the room. I trotted into my room across the hallway and laid down, keeping Cozy on the side of my stomach while she happily snoozed away.

Across the hall, I could hear Stinky let out a ‘my baby is missing’ screech, I heard wood being smashed, and the sound of hooves pounding into carpet and granite could be heard getting quieter and quieter. Meanwhile, Cozy Glow was sleepily awake, but pawing at my forelegs to get something to snuggle into. My heart absolutely melted at the adorable display, and I couldn’t help but abide by her requests for more snuggles.

A few hours later, Cozy Glow and I are sitting at a dinner table. I had just made pancakes for her and Skitter, who was happily eating pancakes as well. My son was noticeably missing for some reason.

“So, what are we doing today, Grandma?” Cozy Glow asked. Skitter stopped chewing, her mouth hung open with a bite of pancake still sitting on it.

“What did you just call me?”

“Grandma. I never had one, and if I did, I never met her. She probably would’ve been a bit of a bitch just like mother and father were. You are actually quite nice,” she said, twiddling her fork around on her plate.

“I…” I whispered. I cleared my throat before making sure I wouldn’t accidentally cry from the pure joy of being a grandmother again. “Well, I have nothing planned today. I was hoping to take you to the park today, maybe teach you whatever you would like? I have been around for centuries. I am willing to bet that I can teach you how to do at least something, even if I do not know what you would like to do.”

“Can you teach me how to draw better?” My granddaughter asked. “It would be quite nice to finally learn how to do that.”

“Of course! We can begin as soon as we are done eating breakfast!”

The way my granddaughter started smiling made me want to pick her up and nuzzle her for hours.

Stinky. He angy.

Where is my bucking child! I threw over another potted plant and looked behind it. Celestia and Luna were watching me, since I went through their rooms too, to conduct my search. For some bizarre reason, I couldn’t smell where she had gone. She just up and vanished. She smelled like she was just in my room, but she wasn’t there! Whoever took my daughter is going to get a face full of changeling spit.

It will be very unpleasant.

“Where is she!” I shouted, glaring at a random guard. I think this is the one that tried hitting on Skitter after being blatantly racist towards changelings.

“I don’t know, sir! Get out of my face! You’re kinda ugly looking!”

Luna’s ears started blowing steam, while Celestia was just snickering. I slowly turned my head to the side before getting even more in his face. “What did you say, Sergeant? Want to run that by me again?”

“You’re… ugly sir. What are you gonna do, Stupid? Lick my nose like you do with all the other guards?”

“I will kick your balls.”

“No you won’t- EEK!” The guard fell over onto his side after I kicked him in the balls. I threw the guard aside to make sure he didn’t fall on my filly, before kicking him in the stomach just for good measure.

Celestia and Luna watched as Stinky opened up a can of whoop flanks onto their particularly racist guard stallion, who had already been reprimanded, kicked in the balls(and a subsequent surgery for those balls). Apparently, when Stinky is angry, he is a lot less friendly or cuddly. And a lot more willing to cause harm. Apparently, since Stinky went through their rooms, looked through every crack and corner of said rooms, before neatly putting everything back together, his filly went missing.

Yes, that filly from the future.

Yes, that filly that, in the future, tried to take over Equestria because she really hated her parents.

That same filly that Stinky really cares about.

The same filly that Florial had expressed getting to know better; she really wanted to spoil the crap out of her granddaughter.

“Do you think we should stop him?” Luna asked.

“I don’t think we should. Watching him be angry is rather funny.” Celestia noted as Stinky threw the entire throne, yes her throne, out the window and looked under it. Not only did the window break, but so did some of the wall. “So that’s why our treasurer was getting so mad about the castle repair budget… And would explain all the broken windows.”

“What do you mean, Tia?’ Luna asked, looking up at her sister. The sound of Stinky kicking open a random closet could be heard from the throne room.

“...Stinky never broke your windows?”

“He has. Though why has it gone up so often?”

“When’s the last time you’ve seen Stinky, or any of his family members, leave the castle through the front door?”

“Never.”

“And how many times do they often end up outside?”

“A lot… Oh. I see now… We need to commission a new throne for you, by the way.”

“We are… At least we can get one with a built-in massage machine now!” Celestia did a hoof pump. “I always wanted one, but never had an excuse to get one until now. Perhaps I will be able to tolerate nobles during day court without having to fake a smile through them rambling on and on and on about how their four hundred bit T-shirt didn’t sell well.”

“...Why four hundred bits on a shirt? That’s as much as a house.” Luna ducked out of the way of a griffin being thrown at her. The griffin was knocked out while Stinky was swearing like a sailor under his breath. Soon, an unconscious minotaur nearly crashed into Celestia.

“I don’t bucking know, Luna. I really don’t know.”

“So, should we stop Stinky?”

“I’ll just ask Twilight to do something and go to a local spa. That’s what I usually do when there’s a world ending threat.”

“...Sister, you are a horrible ruler.”

“I deserve a break sometimes, don’t I?”

“Fair… Can I join you?”

“Of course! It’ll be just like old times when you weren’t nocturnal for no reason.”

Stinky

Eventually, I broke into Mom’s room, the last place I was checking. As soon as I saw Mom and Skitters, my mood softened a little. I trotted up to them, since they were facing away from the door. Instead, they were watching my daughter have a go at drawing something. “Steady dear,” Mom said as Cozy finally finished up a sketch… of me. “Excellent job, honey!” Mom scooped my daughter up in a hug… Now, I said I would spit in the mouth of whoever kidnapped Cozy Glow, but I don’t think I should spit in my Mom’s mouth.

Mom was getting her filly snuggles in, and I couldn’t complain about that.

“Hi Mom. Why did you take my filly without my permission?”

“Does a grandmother need an excuse to spend time with her grand foals?”

“I suppose not.”

“Hey Dad!” Cozy turned back to her sketch, before taking it with her mouth. “Look!” her voice was muffled because of the drawing she was now holding in… in her mouth.

It was beautiful.

“Let’s hang it on the fridge.”

“I don’t have a fridge,” I pointed out.

Skitter teleported out, and came back with a fridge she probably just stole from an appliance store.

“Let’s hang it on the fridge now,” she said with a huge smile. Cozy Glow started literally glowing with happiness as we hung the drawing up on the fridge, and took three steps back to admire my filly’s work. Cozy Glow hopped up on my withers and I could feel the pride oozing out of her.

“So, how did my daughter learn how to draw?” I asked.

“I taught her, because she asked me to. She’s going to learn how to bake from you if she asks though. I will burn the castle down if I even think about picking up a frying pan.”

“Okay. I will teach my daughter how to bake a cake.”

“Can we make a chocolate one?” Cozy asked. I simply nodded, before turning around and leaving the castle to take my filly to the park.

Author's Note

i kinda like the idea of Stinky imprinting on Cozy Glow instead of the other way around. Since mentally, Cozy is probably more mature than Stinky is.

yes, this does mean Stinky will eventually burn down somebody(Cozy’s biological parents)’s house.

The Usual Stinky went on Vacation; Somepony Took his Filly.

Author's Note

Warning: Stinky is less Stinky, and more murdery this chapter. if you don't care and wanna see Cozy Glow happily watch murders, go on ahead.

The Usual Stinky went on Vacation; Somepony Took his Filly.

I sent Cozy Glow off to school. Yes, school. Despite my personal desire to just play fetch with her, something that Cozy Glow loved doing(since she usually threw the ball), apparently my filly needed an actual education. Because she needed an actual education so she didn’t end up as an idiot that loafs around a castle all day, like her father, so I agreed to send her to school. Everyday I would walk her to school, for the last week, and everyday I would go pick her up. Sometimes I would make her lunch in the morning, something she got teary eyed over for some reason…

Mostly because her biological parents never actually made her a meal. So whenever I got the chance, I ended up making breakfast for her, lunch, and dinner, and then the two of us proceeded to talk about plans for our day. Mostly my daughter talked about her plans for the day since I usually ended up licking a wall for six hours while waiting to pick her up. Or sometimes Ms. Breeze would find me and get me to stop licking the wall… only for me to start licking the floor. One time I decided to dig up the carpet, and then I ran out of carpet in my room, so I started digging up the carpet of the whole castle.

Celestia and Luna were amused by it while the treasurer was grumbling about how that’ll come out of Equestria’s housing budget.

Over the last week, Twilight and her friends were sent out to capture somepony named Trixie because of tax fraud. Because Trixie said she was sending her taxes to Canterlot, bits that she casted aside, but the Crown never got them. I ended up having to fork over a bag full of bits labeled ‘Trixie’ to help pay for all the carpet I dug up. Meanwhile, Trixie had to spend several days in the dungeons while she cried about her innocence.

Recently, I was shown a Crystal Mirror, something that looked important, so I took it, licked it a few times and kept it in my room without telling anyone. Because Cozy taught me an important lesson:

If you want it, take it.

I wanted the Crystal Mirror because it was shining and reflective, something I never had before while living in the Hive, so I ended up taking that and keeping it for myself.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I was making food for Cozy Glow. I ransacked the entirety of the Royal Kitchens, stole some money from the Royal Vault, and used the money to build a kitchen in my castle room. I could’ve used Luna’s room, since it had a whole kitchen, but I didn’t know how to use the mechanical box with a number pad on it, which had a door with a glass panel on it. That’s the only appliance in Luna’s room, which was on top of a shelf full of instant noodle cups because Luna, like an idiot, decided that eating noodles everyday was better than having a gourmet meal made for you everyday of your life.

Because Luna is dumb. I mean, she said two plus two is two! Imagine!

It’s clearly four hundred thirty two billion, twenty million, eight hundred and thirty thousand and four, Luna.

Yes, I am Cozy Glow’s math tutor, since I didn’t feel like asking Twilight, the spooky unicorn, to help her with her homework. Of course, my wonderful little angel has straight A’s… She suplexed a foal for calling me ugly when I was picking her up from school once.

Oh right, lunch making for my lovely little lady, that I would murder an entire organization full of assholes, whoops, I swore, for. Cozy Glow said I had a mental illness, the kind that makes focusing on one train of thought nearly impossible. Which is weird, since I don’t have thoughts, I only bug, and by bugging, I ended up making Cozy tomato soup, three perfectly toasted slices of garlic bread, a lovely cup of non-alcoholic apple cider, and ice cream for dessert. I put some of the tomato soup in a sealable bowl, the three slices of garlic toast ended up in their own container, and I even put various toppings for the ice cream in a container that was split into four sections, a bottle of chocolate syrup for the ice cream to add onto the sugar rush she’ll get from eating the ice cream, and then and cookie.

I stuck all of that in the lunch box, that was perfectly enchanted(by an unwilling Twilight that I may or may not have threatened via threatening to lick her eyes sixty seven times), to keep everything at the right temperature for Cozy for when she eventually ate lunch. It had her cutie mark on the corner, to mark it as hers, but was covered in cute little butterflies because she loved the design and pointed it out to me when we went shopping for her school supplies. Cozy Glow herself was still asleep in her bed, since she asked for five more minutes of sleep, so I happily gave it to her.

Approximately five minutes later, Cozy was up, had a really fancy, homemade cup of coffee, despite being told that giving foals coffee was a bad idea, and had her lunch box attached to her saddle bags.

“Are you ready, Cozy?” I asked, nuzzling her. She looked adorable!

“Ready for school, or cuddles? You look like you want to snuggle up with me.”

“I can do it while I help you with your homework. Sounds good?”

“Yeah! Can we play fetch afterwards?”

“Only if you’re a good little filly. I heard how you kicked a colt in the balls for staring at your butt.”

“Fine dad… you were going to yell at him for staring anyways!”

“Because you’re my filly, and that colt reeked of the same stuff that Pinkie uses all the time; he’s a crackhead.”

“WHAT!?”

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s go get you to school!”

We left the castle not too long after we quickly got over the fact that somepony let their colt do drugs. As in I broke a window, using a pillow, and the two of us hovered down to the ground, before walking towards the castle gates. As the two of us walked, I eventually just picked Cozy Glow up by the scruff and started carrying her like that. Because it makes her go ‘Daaddd!’ So of course, because it’s embarrassing, I keep doing it to her. Deep down, I can feel my daughter secretly loving being carried by the scruff, but likes to put on the show of ‘I’m a big girl’ so she doesn’t let it show physically. I magicked her saddlebags onto my back, so none of the contents would fall on the ground…

Wait, I did something relatively smart. That’s not supposed to happen.

The streets of Canterlot were bustling, filled with ponies of all ages going about their day. There was an occasional bum on the street, and a ton of foals heading in the direction we were heading. I got Cozy enrolled into a really nice, public schoolhouse, which was actually the biggest schoolhouse in Canterlot, so she could socialize. Sometimes a few ponies would stop and pause at the filly hanging from my mouse, and then take a second, more shocked look at the weird, stupid looking changeling, wearing a collar with Luna’s seal on it, carrying a filly in its mouth like a mommy cat. It made me raise my head with pride as I marched forward, while Cozy just crossed her forelegs while grumbling about how I’m making her look like a baby.

Still, she’s my baby, I’m her mommy cat, and I’m going to carry her like this. I almost turned myself into a big cat in order to show my Mommy Cat-iness, I started prancing lightly, as to not jostle my baby too much, as all eyes were on me…. Something isn’t right. I can feel ponies staring at me, not the random, shocked pony that eventually ‘awed’ at me for some reason, but the kind that screamed ‘bad pony’ vibes. I didn’t like that vibe so I magicked up another saddlebag, stuck Cozy in it, so her head was just poking out of it, which she was even more ‘upset’ about. I didn’t think much about it, but after thinking about it… I just used magic competently.

Mostly because it was more embarrassing than being carried like a kitten.

I picked the pace up shortly afterwards… so much for taking my time with taking my filly to school; I loved this part of the day, but I think there are some ponies that might hurt me, or mostly Cozy, so I couldn’t enjoy the day. If I come back and find Cozy Glow missing, or I get knocked out while I take her home, I will find whoever took her and ruin their days… and make them not live if possible.

“Dad, is everything alright? You usually take your time walking me to school… well, carrying me to school. Why do you have to carry me to school? I’m not a newborn foal.”

“Can you fault me for being a happy dad?” I asked.

“Well… I don’t think I can,” Cozy spun around in my saddle bag, before nuzzling me. “What’s wrong, though? I know you would be showing me off to the world if you could. Right now… it’s like you’re trying to keep me hidden, yet still while trying to carry me. Something’s wrong, and I want to know, Dad.”

“I think some ponies around us are getting ready to hurt us,” I said as we stopped by the school. “I don't want you to get hurt.”

My daughter looked me in the eyes, before her eyes watered up a bit and widened, before she nuzzled me again and giggled. “I can take care of myself Dad; I almost took over Equestria in the future and… I can handle myself.”

“And you are my filly,” I said. “If somepony comes by to hurt you, or steal you away,” I nuzzled her several times, using scent glands all over her. Cozy may not know it, but changelings have scent glands, if rubbed into something, we can track it. In fact, that’s probably the only thing that Queen Chrysalis told me that’s genuinely useful. So now I have fully covered my daughter in my scent, something only I can smell, I let Cozy go to school. To my surprise… she actually walked up to a group of fillies, nuzzled them all, and walked in the school… MY DAUGHTER HAS FUCKING FRIENDS! I am going to go home and bake cookies, and make Cozy invite them over this darn instance! It is going to be so darn…

What was I doing? Oh, a red dot!

Luna, Celestia, and Cadance had gotten ahold of a super powered laser pointer. They had an Eye Spy Spell watching Stinky while Cadance pointed the laser pointer towards where . Shining Armor, who was still recovering from the flank whoopin’ that Queen Florial had opened on him for accidentally foal napping Stinky, watched in awe as Stinky started following the laser pointer like a cat across town, into a bakery, before he left it, still following the laser pointer with a nice, large box of cookies on his back.

“You do realize that there were at least six known criminals trailing Stinky, right?” Shining Armor asked. “They were eying the filly he was carrying around.”

“There were criminals trailing Stinky?” Celestia asked. “I was a little busy hearing somepony…” She glared at Florial, who was still gushy over her son carrying her adopted granddaughter across town in a saddlebag. “My special somepony wouldn’t shut up about her, admittedly, adorable, grand foal being carried like a kitten through Canterlot.”

“Can you blame me? Look!” Florial pulled a photo out from the camera, it was of Stinky carrying Cozy Glow in a saddle bag, the young filly was sticking her head out, with the flap for the saddlebag sitting on her head. Her two front hooves hung over the sides while she seemingly watched the world go by as her adoptive father carried her around town on the trip to school. Everypony present stopped, staring at the perfectly captured image of Stinky and Cozy Glow happily going about their lives, even if Stinky looked just a tiny bit concerned, an expression that didn’t fit his face.

“...I see that you make a good argument,” Celestia nodded. “However… We still have this laser pointer-” she turned to see Luna still using it to lead Stinky around town to preoccupy him while his daughter was still in school.

I started trotting back up to the school, because it was around that time that Cozy Glow was supposed to be getting out of school. I wanted to ask her to invite her little friends over to the castle for some cookies, milk, and perhaps dinner if they were allowed to stay. I was as happy as I could be, since I finally caught the red dotted creature running around Canterlot, after breaking several windows, carts, and trees. A happy little buzz left my wings as soon as I got to the gates of the school. And to my delight…

Colts and fillies started flooding out of the door and out the gates, and there my daughter was, happily talking to her friends. She seemed nice and happy… only until a pegasus, dark blue and had an eye patch, swooped down and snagged her off the ground. I heard her friends scream and watch in horror, since they were unicorns and couldn’t do much to stop Cozy Glow from getting kidnapped. I watched as Cozy stared back at me as she was pulled away, like she was teary eyed… She was too far away to pick up on her emotions, but I could tell she was scared-

Cozy Glow was just looking sad and scared; she wanted to see what Stinky would do to the criminal foalnapping her.

I stared at the pegasus. The asshat was flying away with my filly, with a smug little grin on his face. I felt the box of cookies on my back fall to the ground as I slowly started letting a growl grow in my throat. You made a mistake, you stupid horse. You’ve made a giant mistake. My blank stare slowly grew into a cold, angry glare as I took a sniff of the air. I am hot on your trail, and I am going to ruin your day, you stupid pegasus. After a few moments of staring into the sky, I started moving again. I am going to make sure you cannot continue your bloodline…

You featherbrained piece of shi-

This fanfiction was interrupted by a message from your favorite story writer, Nugget27! He is your favorite right?

Anyways, cursing is bad. Stinky is a bad bug, spewing curses every other thought, so we had to cut his perspective off… Anyways, since Nugget is lazy and doesn’t wanna stretch what could be done in a sentence, like he usually does, to a full three paragraphs and another scene, we’re going to cut to Cozy Glow’s perspective because Nugget thinks it’s a lot funnier to have Cozy Glow be her usual psychotic self!

Cozy Glow

I pretended to quiver in fear, because I knew somehow, some way, some stupid plot device that was never mentioned before by the person that wrote me into this stupid story, my Dad would find me. Huh, I’ve got a Dad. This sure does beat being stuck in Tartarus or being turned into stone. Anyways, my captor, the blue eye-patched(he still has an eye), grinned as he and his buddy tied me up in rope and stuck me on a wooden chair. I honestly don’t know why these idiots, it’s a whole organization of criminals by the way, foalnapped me.

“You think this one will sell well?”

Oh. Foal trafficking. Do I have qualities of a ‘pretty’ filly? I know I’m cute and lovable, my Dad tells me it all the time, and I know he’s right. Oh, I hear the muffled curses from my Dad… It is scary to hear him say swear words. Usually he’s really simple, and a little stupid.

“I think so. Though why are you keeping her here? Shouldn’t she be with… Oh, I see.”

I blinked a couple of times. What were they talking about?

“I mean, I may as well-” A pen broke through the window and stabbed the stallion right in the nostril. The stallion blinked a couple times before a book followed right afterwards, slamming into the eraser of the pencil and driving the thing further into his brain. The stallion crumped to the ground before another Holy Sweet Celestia! I didn’t know my Dad was a hardflank! I thought he was just a stupid changeling that didn’t know what the heck was going on… I see how he killed

Dad apparently found the actual entrance, because downstairs started sounding like somepony was raiding it. Several more screams, the sounds of cages being opened, and tiny hooves, the hooves of foals, started towards the apparent entrance. I stared at the door in anticipation as did my other captor, the blue pegasus… The door never opened… until I heard the sound of heavily breathing. You see, the blue, eye-patched pegasus was staring ahead, beside me, shivering in fear. His buddy was the one that got absolutely destroyed.

We both slowly turned around to my Dad, glaring at the pegasus.

“Listen,” Stinky said slowly. “You are going to tell me why you foalnapped a bunch of foals, especially my foal, or I will end you. If you tell me, I might not end you.”

“I-I-I-” I almost started laughing as Stinky got closer, and closer, and closer… he pulled out an ice cream scooper as the poor pegasus started trying to back away. He didn’t say a word, which really wouldn’t end well for him if Dad’s this mad.

Stinky, the next day.

I managed to finally get Cozy Glow to introduce me to her little friends. We planned out a whole day with them, my sister would be coming along to help watch them… We were going to go to Luna Land, a theme park based off of Luna, which was built in her honor by Celestia some time after her banishment. For some bizarre reason, the little fillies that my daughter was friends with, were actually shocked that her father was a changeling. And even more shocked to find out she was adopted.

They also questioned what the heck happened to the pegasus that picked her up from school the other day.

Laying in the dungeon, was a blue, pegasus stallion, missing an eye, wearing an eyepatch over the other eye. An ice cream scoop was jammed far up his rump. Shining Armor, and another captain of the guard stared down at their latest convict. That wasn’t the only thing wrong with him. Several patches of fur were missing, a few holes were present in his legs, there was even a banana shoved into his nose. They stared wide eyed, before Shining Armor turned around and threw up.

As it turned out, if they needed a criminal captured, just endanger Cozy Glow in some way. The way that she happily described how Stinky killed somepony with a pencil and a copy of Daring Do was beyond horrifying. On one hoof, she was adorable, all happy and giddy. On the other, she’s all happy and giddy while describing a gruesome murder! Something is wrong with that filly. Granted, this resulted in the capture of an entire criminal organization(granted, none of the members were alive anymore)

“...I…” Shining Armor coughed. As he got over the loss of his breakfast. “I think I’m glad that barely anything can make Stinky this angry.”

“And Luna is dating this changeling?” Shining Armor’s replacement asked. His name was Flash Sentry. Shining Armor simply nodded. “I would like a transfer to the Crystal Empire; I need to get out of Canterlot if this is apparently normal!

“I don’t blame you… I can’t believe me and Cadance tried adopting Stinky back in the day… We forgot that he’s a changeling that was trained by Queen Chrysalis of all creatures.”

“You tried what?”

Shining Armor saw me today at dinner and peed himself for some reason. I don’t know why; I was only happily eating away at a piece of drywall.

Meanwhile, Behind a Really Fancy Mirror

Sunset Shimmer started grumbling on the way home. Today was a particularly bad day for her, since Flash Sentry just dumped her for being a bit mean to some stupid kid named Fluttershy. The simple fact of the matter is… Fluttershy had it coming! Sure, maybe Fluttershy was minding her own business, but that stupid girl bumped into her! She started it! To make things worse, the Fall Formal was happening in just a few months, and she was getting a little antsy about it. For one, the portal back to Equestria would be open around then, so she could take over the world, but then… what?

Maybe she should stop being evil, since usually ponies, and people that were evil usually ended up dead. Especially this one mustached guy from a place called Germany, he was pretty evil and now he’s dead.

I meant not alive, by the way, death shall not be mentioned in this family friendly story-

“What the actual fuck are you?” Sunset Shimmer asked, she had turned into a pet store at random, as it was the one place that she actually frequented despite not owning a pet. It was just a passtime after school, since she had nothing better to do. Her bits were apparently worth a lot more than they should’ve, since she could apparently live modestly for the rest of her life in this world from all the money she got from selling her bits. That didn’t matter right now, what was sitting in a tank was a platypus, but Sunset didn’t know that. To her it just looked like a stupid looking beaver with a beak.

It was pitch black, had big eyes that had nothing going on behind them, and occasionally it would open its mouth and make a noise. It stopped as soon as it realized Sunset Shimmer was staring at it. It tilted its head, made another noise, and then slowly started going cross eyed. It sat there for another good moment while Sunset looked it over.

It looked so stupid looking, so dumb, yet… Maybe Sunset could use a pet. It would give her something to do, and somebody to talk to. I mean, after all, it was a platypus, it couldn’t be that bad to take care of!

“Ah, you’re looking at the platypus today, eh?” The store clerk asked as he walked by to feed the various animals.

“That’s… a platypus?”

“Eeyup! Nobody wants him, since they say he’s pretty weird-”

Squish.

Squash.

It just blinks one eye at a time, very slowly, before it went back to being crosseyed and it made another noise.

“How much for…”

“Him? Oh, a hundred dollars; it’s a bargain given that nobody wants him, so I’ll even drop the price if that’s too much for you.”

“No, that’s perfect, actually.” Sunset shrugged. “I’ve been needing something to put my time into other than possibly taking over the world.”

“Alrighty! Let me just get the paperwork for you to sign, and some food for him, and you’ll be good to go! Would you like to hold him while you wait?”

“Sure!”

Sunset was then promptly handed the surprisingly stinky platypus. It wasn’t even a bad smell, it just smelled weird.

“You are so weird looking,” Sunset whispered. “Weirdly soft and plush, though, so I guess that’s not too bad.”

Squish.

Squash.

“I guess I can call you Stinky?”

A few weeks later, long after Sunset had adopted Stinky the platypus, she noticed a few things. One thing was that her new pet was really stupid, as in she could poke it in the eye and it probably wouldn’t notice, or care, about how she poked it in the eye. The second thing… no brain. No brain, just a loaf of fluff full of love. Because whenever Sunset got home, Stinky would waddle up to her, nuzzle her leg, and then hug said leg for a solid minute. In fact at every opportunity, Stinky tried to cuddle up with Sunset.

Granted, this was fully welcomed, it was the first time that Sunset’s felt genuine affection coming from anything at all in a long time. Stinky was doing so much to soften the banished unicorn’s heart that she more or less gave up on trying to win the Fall Formal. She stopped her campaign almost entirely, which definitely shocked most of the school. Right now, because Stinky was adamant about it, she was taking her pet platypus on a walk.

“You are probably the best financial decision I’ve ever made,” Sunset hummed. “You’re kinda cute too, which certainly helps.” She said while looking the fluff loaf in the eyes.

Squish.

Squash.

“I could feel the bold and italics in that last eye blinking; you think I’m the best thing to happen to you, don’t you?” Stinky nodded… Was her pet actually intelligent? Sunset grabbed her purse, her phone, and some money in case she wanted to treat herself, or Stinky, mostly Stinky. She would be shocked if that were the case. She stuck a collar around the platypus and tied a collar to it. A moment after stepping outside, she dropped the collar on accident after dropping her phone, and she jumped to grab it…

Only for Stinky to grab the collar and start walking beside her. The stupid thing looked up at her with expectant eyes; take it, the look said. Sunset took it and they kept on her way. There… is no way that Stinky is intelligent, right?”

“Hey!” Somebody just snagged her bag! That had her money in it!

Stinky slipped out of the collar and tackled the guy very handily. “Get off me!” The mugger shouted, he pulled a knife… only for Stinky to grab the hand with his beak, and slowly used his suddenly dexterous paws to bend the fingers until there was a noticeable snap. Sunset flinched, as Stinky slowly sat up, after sufficiently disfiguring her assailant, grabbed her bag, and looked back at her.

Squish.

Squash.

Stinky waddled back over to her and jerked his head. Sunset got the message, before going on like nothing happened. Not without calling the police to make sure that the mugger at least got some medical attention. She didn’t stick around, obviously, but at least her mugger would get his hand fixed.

“Okay, what the fuck, Stinky?” The platypus looked up at his owner shortly after she found a park bench to sit on. She tapped him. “What did you just-” Stinky tipped over and started trying to walk with his legs in the air, with his back on the ground. His teeth clattered a little while he tried to figure out what the actual fuck Sunset did to him, when all she did was poke him. She stared blankly before giggling.

“Okay, that’s cute.” Sunset started rubbing Stinky’s belly and he stopped trying to walk.

“Sunset? Is that you?” Oh dear, it’s her ex-boyfriend, Flash Sentry. “Why… are you petting a platypus?”

“I bought it a few weeks ago.”

“...You, and a pet? Doesn’t that require you…”

“Not being a bitch? Yes, yes it would. Stinky has been helping me turn myself around.”

Clatter.

“I can tell. You never looked at me like you look at that platypus.”

“That is because Stinky, my platypus, is cute. You were an idiot.”

“Hey!”

“It’s true.”

“...Yeah… Why’d you buy that thing anyways?”

“It just looks stupid.”

Clatter.

“You just offended him!” Sunset sighed. “He’s special, not stupid.”

“So, he’s stupid.” Flash quickly stopped as he stared at Stinky’s dull, almost soulless eyes as it stared up at him. It blinks its eyes, one at a time, very, very slowly.

Squish.

Squash.

Squish.

In Stinky’s language this meant. “Well fuck you too, douche.” Whoops, I meant to translate that to. “Well screw you too, douche.” It turns out that Stinky the Platypus has some very naughty words floating around in his head… nevermind. It’s empty again. Now it’s just full of love as his eyes fell on Sunset Shimmer.

“D’aw, that’s the first time you looked at anything with genuine affection for it,” Flash noted. Sunset had quickly started ignoring him, since now she was just having a staring contest with her platypus… that slowly started sliding off of her lap… and fell head first on the sidewalk below. Seemingly unbothered by this, Stinky rolled onto his stomach to resume the love-filled staring contest that the two of them were partaking in. However, Sunset quickly jumped to action and started looking over her pet until she was certain nothing was wrong, besides a few missing brain cells that were never there to begin with, Stinky was fine.

Stinky stared at the door, Sunset Shimmer, or as he had come to know her ‘nice lady that he likes’ had left for school rather early in the morning. All he knows is she is gone, and she left food out for him. There was not much that went in the platypus’s mind, but he does know that he likes the nice lady that he likes. She said she owned him, so Stinky could assume that he was a slave of some sort, but didn’t question what that implied. After contemplating what he should do now.

He could take a nap, but he did that all the time.

Stinky walked over to the fridge… There's cheese in the fridge. Stinky likes cheese a lot. He tilted his head… Sunset has hands. Hands are great. Chin scratches, belly rubs, they open doors, and most importantly, open fridge doors so that he can get access to the cheese. Stinky smacked the fridge a few times, before grabbing a nearby, tiny plastic trash can that happened to be empty.

And started smashing the fridge door with it until it opened. Surely this can… Snap.

The trash can broke. Whoops. Sunset won’t be happy about that. The trash can was promptly tossed out the window that was still open, where it promptly fell on some guy, a dog catcher named Tirek. There was a very audible crack, and he was promptly put on a news headline the next week. Stinky lifted his stupid little foreleg, and then pulled the fridge open. Wow, that is a lot easier when you remember you’re a cartoon platypus and can have opposable thumbs on a dime.

Stinky went and ate all the cheese, before rolling over to the open window, landing on Tirek the Dog Catcher, who isn’t dead, just not alive, and he started sniffing the ground. Surely this will lead him to Sunset Shimmer; she must know about the now sudden lack of cheese. The platypus stumbled up to a highschool, Canterlot High, and he peeked through one of the windows, and there, there was Sunset. She was sitting in class taking notes…

Maybe bothering the food giver isn’t a good idea. So Stinky went to a local Walmart…

And left with fourteen tons of american cheese. No, nobody stopped him, what could they do? Tell Stinky no? When he has the most blank, stupid looking expression on his face?

Yes. But did they want to? No.

Meanwhile, with Equestrian Stinky

I woke up and stretched my legs. Cozy Glow was crammed under my chest, having snuggled up under there after I had rescued her and promptly embarrassed her in front of all her friends. As it turns out, my daughter actually had a crush on a foal in her class, one of the foals she introduced me to. I couldn’t remember what that foal looked like, and frankly I don’t care. I just care if that foal ends up breaking my daughter’s heart in the future… I will be sad. And angry. Don’t make me angry. Today, I was supposed to let the Doctor and my sister finally spend the day with Cozy, so I got up to go obtain breakfast for her.

Then I came nose to nose with Harmonic Breeze and her daughter, Soft. You know what? Fuck it. Oops, swear, that’s a bit in the swear jar. Me and my daughter are going to spend the day with my maid and her daughter.

“Good morning, Stinky. I see that you’ve been busy. Namely Princess Luna finally taking you on a date.”

“She did, and then she never did again… It’s only been about a week since we’ve dated, though. I kissed her on the mouth before I left. So…” I shrugged. “Anyways, you’re officially off duty today, I want to spend the day with you.” I gestured to my daughter who was starting to wake up. Upon noticing this, I crawled on the bed, and laid on top of her again, her head poked out between my forelegs. “It’s been a while since me and Soft had fun together, and I think my daughter might enjoy playing with another filly.”

Cozy groggily blinked, and nuzzled me, and crawled out from under me to receive her morning grooming. She started purring, while Ms. Breeze squealed for some reason. Why is she squealing? I’m cleaning my daughter, why is that cute? Well, Cozy is cute, but I’m a little troglodyte. Cozy rolled on her back and her hindlegs started kicking a little as I cleaned her belly. She hummed, groaned, and then rolled back over and started nuzzling me with her cheek while she fully woke up.

“Actually, Ms. Breeze, go take my daughter and let her play with yours. I’m going to go… take care of some unfinished business.” I walked up to the nearby window, smashed it open with my face, before walking over and swiping Soft anyways, and flying out the window with her. I have no clue what I’m doing, but I think I changed my mind at some point and ended up thinking it was time to play with Soft. We landed in the gardens and we spent the next few hours playing together while my maid had to deal with Cozy for the rest of the day.

Meanwhile

Stinky the Platypus had successfully duped his owner. He had successfully managed to hide the fact that he threw a trash can out the window and might, or might not have caused a dog catcher named Tirek to be hospitalized. No, Tirek did not die, his heart rate monitor only stopped working after they unplugged it after it flatlined. Death is not allowed to be mentioned, Stinky the Platypus is too innocent and pure to ever accidentally harm somebody. That’s what Sunset Shimmer thinks at least, since she’s on her knees, staring at her beloved pet.

As he gnawed on her science homework.

This was the sixteenth time this week, if it weren’t for Sunset recording it every time it happened, her teacher wouldn’t have believed her.

“Stinky, please, don’t eat my science homework,” it was the one subject she struggled with too! So if she actually got the right answers, those were lost to time… if only Princess Celestia taught physics; that would’ve been useful in the real world. Stinky blinked, before he let go of the science homework. The banished unicorn, now a weird ape thing with hair only on her head, let out a deep breath she didn’t even know she was holding…

Then Stinky started chewing on her science textbook.

“Why do you hate science so much?” Sunset asked, realizing she’s lucky that she bought her own textbook instead of borrowing a school textbook.

Stinky made his little teeth clatter, blinked one eye at a time slowly, before sitting up, doing a shrug that was way too human like, before falling over and loafing. On the counter, the physical representation of Stinky’s brain appeared to happen:

A slice of bread fell over. How it got out of the bad it was supposed to be in, Sunset doesn’t know… Stinky somehow got on the counter and started eating the slice, before loafing besides the rest of the loaf of bread. Sunset had to note how much Stinky resembled the baked good, before he ended up forgetting how to loaf… and started rolling off the counter. He fell head first, and for but a brief moment…

Looked sentient.

The fell on his beak, and made a teeth clatter and just stayed where he was for the next hour. Eventually, Sunset, his beloved owner, will save him from this predicament, of balancing on his head, while mostly leaning on his beak. His tail acted as a counter weight, keeping the stupid loaf of fluff on his head, before it slowly started making him balance perfectly. Sunset walked past the platypus; she was leaving him on his head as a punishment for eating her textbook, and her homework. And her bread.

She stared at it for a brief moment, noting that the sentience that was there for literally two seconds was long gone. Stinky was crosseyed and somehow looked even more braindead than before.

Squish.

Squash.

“Stinky, you are lucky that you’re cute.” Sunset went into the bathroom.

Stinky suddenly fell on his back, put on a fedora, and waddled out the door. Suddenly sentient, he stumbled out the balcony door, off the balcony, into a small, flying plane. Flying that tiny little plane was a light blue, rectangular platypus.

“Hello Agent P,” Stinky said. “This is my first day on the job. What are we doing?”

“Well, Agent S, we’re going to check in on my favorite doctor… apparently we have to act as emotional support animals because he’s a little sad right now. You can do that, right? Be a support animal?”

“I don’t know if I can, but I just ate my owner’s whole loaf of bread. What did your owners do today?”

The other Platypus smiled. “I think they’re flying to the moon.”

Stinky blinks one eye at a time, momentarily losing sentience. “Did you smoke some catnip? How are two ten year olds going to reach the moon?”

“Don’t ask questions about how my owners do things. You’re in a plane with another platypus, and you’re dreaming. Wake up, you stupid loaf of shi-”

Stinky was left on his head all day, and night, and fell asleep like that. Why was he dreaming of a light blue, really handsome… platypus. He snorted. Everyone knows the moon is made of cheese! Sure, Stinky can’t taste cheese, but he did lick a moon rock at some point and he liked the way the texture felt when he licked the surface. The other platypi in his tank thought he was crazy since he couldn’t taste cheese, but c’mon! Stinky licked a bit of moonrock…

Actually, that may have been dung.

Stinky blinked a few more times, before shrugging and falling asleep.

Stinky clapped his hooves as he sat at a computer in the Canterlot library in the middle of the night. He just wrote the dumbest fanfiction to ever grace the internet... Stinky might've gotten into some catnip, and is being dillusional. No, he's sitting outside the gates to the fanciest party of the year.

Author's Note

this took an embarassingly long time for me to make considering how short it is. just writing on, and off, and on, and off, letting my ADHD take the wheel whenever I wrote.

don't worry, next chapter, Stinky's going to ruin the Grand Galloping Gala. so that should come out way sooner than... this did. I don't even know what the fuck this is.

I Didn’t Die At Least

I just dangled in the air, staring at a group of mares, each of them seemed to be helping themselves to breakfast, or rather, they were. Their leader, Twilight Sparkle the Horrifying, stared up at me with wide eyes. “Princess, that changeling is still alive,” she pointed out. I just closed my eyes, counting the seconds until I was released from Celestia’s magic. The moment she does, I am going to run, and I am going to run until I find an ocean. That, or I just flop over and die; that sounds way easier than running for my life. I could also run straight to Luna’s room so I can hide under her bed; she said she’d protect me from any threats that come my way.

And then I’ll flop over and die.

“Well, Twilight, I would sure hope this changeling was alive. Do you remember that changeling you caught in your library?” Celestia asked with a warm smile. The purple unicorn nodded. While the two of them talked, I decided to take note of the rest of the mares in the room. First, was Twilight, purple, with a dark purple mane and tail, a pink streak ran through it. A horn stuck out through the mane, reminding me that she can blow me up at any time and kill me. I could feel the sheer amount of magic radiating off of her.

She was spooky; I want my mother.

The next was the Pink Spawn of Tirek, who really wasn’t all that bad. She was pink, a pink earth pony radiating some sort of… magic. It wasn’t earth pony magic, that’s for sure. She was happily, and animatedly chatting about how cool it is that the Princess has a changeling shaped pinata. I wasn’t exactly happy about that. The other earth pony was wearing a stetson and looked like a stereotypical cow pony or hill filly. Her blond mane and tail were tied at the ends, and she had freckles. She was just staring into my eyes, trying to get a read on me.

The other unicorn, a white one with a purple, curly mane just looked like an uptight prick. Besides Twilight, she seemed the least happy about a changeling being in the same room as her.

The two pegasi, one cyan, and one… cream colored? That’s a color right? Anyways, they were two polar opposites. One was talking about beating the crap out of me, while the other took the time to stick her head under the table and whimper in fear. The cyan one had a rainbow name, and would not shut up about turning me into fried changeling. While all of them were murmuring while Celestia talked with her student, I cleared my throat.

“Hey Celestia? Is it okay if you put me down?” I asked, cocking my head to the side. “I really want to go back to bed, and not get dissected.”

“That thing can talk?” the cyan pegasus asked. “I thought changelings were dumb, mindless drones that followed that big bug at the wedding.”

“Hey now, I used to resemble that remark…” I hummed. “Well, noling does, actually. It’s more like ‘do as the Queen says’ or you will be dissected, stabbed, tortured, dismembered, or injected with random chemicals, while being kept alive, in front of everyling so you can be used as an example. I’ve watched my cousin be dismembered for even attempting to leave the Hive without Her Majesty’s permission. Buck, I’m only here, suspended in a sunbeam, because that whorse was too busy planning how to commit war crimes at a wedding. Something I wanted no part in, by the way, hence why I left the Hive.” I wiggled my ears. “Can I go snuggle up with Luna now? She’s a lot less scary than Twilight.” I was dropped onto the ground, my face broke my fall, and I was sitting on my rump, rubbing my newly aching skull cover.

“...So you’re that changeling I captured?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah. That was kinda mean of you, by the way,” I got up to try and leave, but the door was locked when I tried to pry them open. “I’m going to go cuddle with Luna, she’s always welcoming,” I shot a playful glare at Celestia. “And doesn’t wake me up at horrid times of the day.” That Princess blew a raspberry at me, like an adult, and we both chuckled. Before I could make it to the door though, I was sitting beside the purple one, and she was holding a notebook. “Let me guess… You want to know how a changeling works?”

“Yup!” Twilight asked. “Please?” She gave me puppy eyes.

“...You asked if you could dissect me and have ruined my old life in Ponyville.” I sat back down, used my horn to grab an apple, and started gnawing on it. “That being said, it’s probably not the worst thing that’s happened to me, but it still wasn’t very nice. Even Princess Luna’s nicer to me, and she threatened to execute me when she first met me.” Twilight blinked. I said, a mouth full of mushed apple.

“...What is worse than dissection?”

“The Queen stuck a hook in between two plates on my carapace and poked around with it while laughing every time I squirmed, or took a photo every time I screamed. It’s worse because I didn’t get the sweet release of death; the Queen actively made sure where she poked me only hurt a lot, not kill me. I was sitting in my own pool of blood for days after that...” Twilight’s jaw dropped. “Fun times! Anyways, you had a lie detection spell going? Cool. I wish I knew how to use magic beyond basic telekinesis, but magic is mostly illegal in the Hive.” Twilight and her friends were just staring at me, even the scared out of her mind pegasus poked her head over the table to stare at me.

The next thing I knew, I was being cradled by said pegasus. “There, there, the big, mean changeling meanie won’t hurt you anymore…”

“That’s a weird way to describe my mother, and I guarantee that she’ll try to peel me like an orange when she finds out where I am.”

Twilight whispered something while writing something else down. “Great, now you made me feel like a horrible pony. You… really were just trying to live, free of fear, weren’t you?” I nodded. “And… I ruined it.” She smelled like she was about to cry. “I-“

The doors opened, saving us the trouble of going over my terrible nymphhood. Luna walked in, looking tired, but still somehow really pretty. She walked up to her usual chair(her chair and Celestia’s chairs were huge), and I soon found myself snuggled up under her wing. “Good morning, Stinky. How is your day going thus far?” She looked up and around after taking a bite out of a pineapple. “Oh. if anypony hurts Stinky, I will send that pony to the moon!” Twilight opened her mouth. “And no questioning him; he’s gone through enough. So don’t interview or pester him for an interview unless he expresses he wants to be questioned.”

I raised a hoof. “I wouldn’t mind; teaching you ponies about changelings would make trusting me easier, right?”

“It would, and it would be helpful,” Celestia said. “However, we were hoping to have you settled in long before we asked you any questions.” I nuzzled Luna, making the pineapple in her grip go flying into the ceiling. “And… you’re settled in, I suppose. Especially if you are kissing my sister’s cheek every now and then,” she giggled at her now broken sister. “Would you be willing to answer any questions we’ll ask you during breakfast?” I nodded. Luna rested her head on top of mine while I waited to be asked a tediously long questionnaire.

“So, why does your Queen hate my apple so much?” Wow, such an insightful question. Apples! Yeah, the orange earth pony, named Apple Jack, surprisingly asked a question about apples. “Because apparently she threw away an appetizer Ah made for ‘her’ wedding! Nopony hates my apples or my recipes!” She even sounds like a stereotypical hill filly!

“…Is that important? I thought I established that the Queen hates fun.”

“Yeah! Two chapters ago! Get with the times, Jackie!” Pinkie, the other earth pony said. “Hey, Nugget, you already introduced me in the first chapter!” What the buck is she talking about? “Also, why is there a scene breaker? That was the first question anypony in the room asked!” Pinkie was now holding up a picture of a weird, round, brown thing. “This joke’s run its course, so I’ll stop, but I have my eyes on you? Nugget!”

“So changelings like apples after all?”

I shrugged. “Dunno if that matters; most of the Hive is probably dead, injured, or both. I heard from Celestia that a love explosion sent us all flying…” Hopefully Thorax didn’t die; he’s my favorite drone out of section A of the Hive. I sighed. “Well, I can’t hear any of them, probably because I got banished for abandoning them all, but details don’t really matter. Why is that the first question you ask?”

“Ah just wanted to make sure yer Queen was evil.”

“Tell me about it; she literally dismembered my other cousin in front of me in order to teach me about a changeling’s anatomy; he was still alive until she took his heart out!” I blinked. “Uh… probably not the right thing to say at breakfast; Luna taught me that much.” I was currently under Luna's wing, every time I said something that would make me seem like a weirdo, Luna would stop rubbing my back with the wing. If I kept pretending to be a normal, functional pony, she would rub my back. This time the wing thwacked against my butt for that. I didn’t even flinch.

“…Can you at least tell us about what you saw?” Twilight asked.

“We changelings don’t have bones, and our blood is green. Can we not talk about my cousins? It makes me kinda sad each time I bring it up… Oh, there’s Bob, he’s probably still alive. He lives somewhere in Ponyville, works for somepony named Bon Bon, or some malarkey.” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “It’s how he gets love; I think he was trying to make Bon Bon his mate, but none of us ‘lings know how to use mind control; that's a Queen level spell. Also, he probably hasn’t noticed how Bon Bon is probably not into stallions.”

Bon Bon and Lyra were happily chatting at a dinner table, in their own home, across from a changeling, undisguised. Bob just told a joke that the two mares were currently giggling at; Bob has been accepted into their household, and the three of them were enjoying themselves. “So Bob, you were interested in my marefriend?”

“…Yeah. She’s really cute when she giggles, which is why I make so many jokes,” Bob said with a small smile.

“We shall form a herd!” Lyra declared, raising her for the heavens. “If… Bon Bon doesn’t mind.”

Those two equines and singular equine-like creatures had a fun night that night

“So, Stinky, why were you in Ponyville? tell me the whole truth,” Twilight asked. She had a notebook, a quill, and a cute little expression that made her less scary, so I answered.

“I play dumb as a bit, Ms. Sparkle, but I’m not a complete idiot, just mostly stupid,” I glared down at the apple I was still chewing on. “The Queen was leading us to a death trap; I’m well aware of how powerful Princess Celestia is, who doesn’t; she raises the Sun after all. In hindsight, it would’ve been even worse with Luna, who seems just as powerful as her sister since she can raise the sun. Twilight, we drones are entirely incapable of using our magic in a defensive way so most unicorns could beat us in a fight, and we are slower than pegasi. One changeling can easily get out powered by a single, trained earth pony since we aren’t very strong either.

“And Queen Chrysalis, without love of any kind, is only around as strong as Princess Cadance, an alicorn who probably doesn’t have a lot of training in combative magic, or combat experience, like Luna or Celestia. Even if the Queen succeeded in capturing Canterlot, it would achieve nothing good. I am not a fan of needlessly killing, or torturing ponies, or any race for that matter, for the love I need to survive; that simply isn’t necessary, so why do it? I’m not a fan of how the Queen treats me, or my fellow changelings. I’m numb to it because of how often, and how brutal the Queen is with her punishments, but that doesn’t change how awful it is.

“So I left the Hive so I wouldn’t be involved with the invasion, and to try and start my life amongst ponies. I just happened to wander into Ponyville, where I got a job as a waiter, and fed off emotions in the air, or nibbled on happiness whenever a customer got their favorite brew of coffee. I got these weird, dumb gold coins, a lot of them from doing it… Most of it is probably in a hole somewhere though; my old home.” I looked up at Twilight. “I wanted to be happy, and I couldn’t be happy if I remained as a part of Queen Chrysalis’s Hive.” Everypony remained silent after my little speech, probably because they’re shocked about my opinion on living as a changeling under Her Majesty’s rule. My favorite alicorn was the first to break that silence though

“…Wait, you’re being stupid on purpose?” Luna asked, looking down at me.

“No, I am pretty dumb; my mom told me so. It doesn’t mean I’m completely moronic.”

“And your mother is… the Queen?” Twilight asked. My answer was a simple nod. “I can see why you seem to not even flinch when you bring up some of the horrible things she apparently does all the time, or much of anything for that matter.”

meanwhile

“Look Apple Bloom, a hole full of bits!” Scootaloo yelled. The young pegasi had just crashed her scooter and went flying into the hole like a golf ball. There was even a golf clap for the shot. “We’re rich!”

“Holy mother of Celestia! That’s a lot!” Apple Bloom pulled her head back out of the hole. “Ah sure am glad that the actual wedding got pushed back- Sweetie Bell, what are you doing?” The little unicorn pushed past her earth pony friend to peek in the hole.

“Why are there enough bits to buy a house here?” the filly squeaked. All three fillies paused for a moment. “Let’s go raid the candy store!” All three crusaders ‘yeahed!” and ran off, with a bunch of bits, to the nearest candy store, which happened to also be the biggest candy store in town… Sweets and Liquor.

The next few questions were simple things, like if the holes in my legs hurt, how old I was, my hatchday, if I committed tax fraud, all that fun stuff. All the while, I had Breeze bring me a rock to gnaw on while the others hounded me with questions. The questions were a pretty weird way to pass the time; why would ponies want to understand changelings and then flinch when I tell them that changelings have snake-like tongues?

Oh well, it helped me pass through another breakfast, and lunch. Celestia had to go rule her kingdom, which didn’t have a king or queen, and Luna had to go to bed, so I was just left with six mares. Luckily, Cadance and Shining Armor had joined us, the pink alicorn decided to lay a wing over my and groom the back of my head because she thinks I’m a foal or something, After a few questions, such as the big boom, which was an event that turned changelings’ paradise into Tartarus a thousand years ago, most of the mares left with Shining Armor and Cadance to go ‘plan a wedding’ or something.

That left me and Twilight Sparkle alone. She sat down next to me while looking through her notes. She had been rather silent for a while, just reading through them, a single tear rolled down her cheek. I had long since eaten the rock I was gnawing on, so I was just sitting there, staring at a cup of chocolate milk that Cadance mixed for me. I don’t know why she’s treating me like her child.

Twilight Sparkle cleared her throat. “Beatle,” I looked up from my cup of room temperature milk. “When I moved to Ponyville half a year ago, I quickly learnt to not judge a book by its cover with Zecora… I should’ve given you a chance when I found you. Yet… I didn’t! It’s like I forgot that lesson I learnt within a week of living in Ponyville!” She sighed. “And it’s clear to me, now that you aren’t a bad pony. You’re rather charming in a weird way,” I rested my head on the table, and Twilight blushed a little. “Okay, that’s kind of cute…” She sighed.

“Look, sorry about ruining your life in Ponyville, and sorry about-“

“Oh yeah, I got over that,” I said, lifting my head back up. “In some weird, twisted way, I still love my mother, and she has literally tortured me for no reason in the past. Besides, you just thought I was some freaky monster, which I am. Though I would like to hear an apology about the bisection question. I quite enjoy not being cut open from the neck down…” I shivered. “It just sounds painful.”

“Sorry about that.”

“Apology accepted; I don’t hold grudges since that uses brain cells that I don’t have.” I nuzzled Twilight and she flinched. “Is what I’m doing wrong? The princesses all do it to me, and I don’t flinch when they nuzzle me. When I do it, it’s weird?” I tilted my head.

“N-no. It’s… It’s just weird to have a changeling touch anypony without trying to drain them.”

“…Oh. How many changelings tried that?”

“At least five out of ten changelings anypony finds, why?” Twilight asked.

“I dunno what that means, but usually that’s an injured or desperate changeling. We have a healing factor that only works when we’re filled up with love,” I hopped out of my chair. “For some reason I’m scheduled to go to a daycare and act as a substitute teacher. So I’ll see you around, Twilight Sparkle,” you know, she seems a lot less scary now.

Meanwhile, with Bob the Changeling

Bob sat there, in a pile of Bon Bon and Lyra. Both mares were fast asleep with drunken smiles on their faces. The drone sat there with a small smile, having turned his forelegs into large wings, covering both of them. He now wore a collar with a sign that read ‘property of Lyra and Bon Bon, if lost and found, bring to 3029, Hippy Hooves Street’. His wings buzzed slightly.

Princess Celestia put down her clipboard with a small smile; she paid a local daycare teacher to take the day off. She watched with a huge smile on her face as an undisguised Stinky, wearing his silver bit necklace, being trailed by a pair of guards, walked up to the daycare in question. How was she watching him? A crystal ball of course! After the teacher gave him a weird look, the changeling gave the teacher a sheet of paper with a blank expression that basically said ‘I don’t have a brain, but I’m here.”

Stinky disappeared into the daycare and Celestia clapped her hooves. Either this would be adorable or hilarious to watch. Celestia hung an ‘important meeting in progress’ sign on her office door as she pulled out a box of popcorn. Stinky stared down at the clipboard he was given, before actually eating it and the paper on it. The guards assigned to the changeling jumped at the sound of wood snapping in Stinky’s powerful jaws.

Stinky then walked into a room full of foals, all of them were no older than five years old by the looks of it. He then spent the next four hours playing with them, changing diapers like an expert, and happily being literal a piece of playground for the foals to play on him. Even after a foal got a fork stuck in his nose, he sat there with a small smile. With a yellow flash, Luna hit the floor of the office. “Sister, what the bu…” Cely just pointed at the image of a certain changeling happily playing with foals. “I see.” Both sisters watched their favorite bug pony play with children.

Author's Note

Stinky will experience the cutie crusaders one day, and i will try to make it as funny as possible

I Found a Filly. She's Mine Now. If Anyone Says Otherwise, I Will Lick Their Eye.

It was a cool, autumn day. It’s been about two weeks since I came home from my very short trip around Equus. Apparently Celestia has to meet up with… a president or something from Gryphus, since Gryphonia was taken over at some point and had a revolutionary battle. I had no idea what that meant, nor did I actually care. I was sitting on a cushion, with my Mom, crammed up against her side. Ever since I got brought home by Skitters, she didn’t let me leave her sight unless she knew I wouldn’t be going anywhere that could get me hurt.

Shining Armor got kicked and beaten up after Mom found out that he stuffed me in a suitcase on accident.

While we sat, Mom hummed to herself as she was knitting a sweater for me, for something called Hearth’s Warming that was coming up in a few months. Whatever that was. I didn’t particularly care for sweaters; changelings are terrible with cold weather so we never go out in it anyways. Meanwhile, Skitters has been seeing some weird, brown earth pony that always met her while standing outside of a blue, ‘police in box’ box thing. Whatever they did, I don’t know, but whenever I approached my sister’s room, it reeked of pony mating stuff.

What I did know was that this… Doctor was treating Skitters well, since she was sitting in front of us, with big round eyes while presenting her coltfriend to us.

“So, you are the stallion that’s been seeing my daughter?” Florial asked.

“Of course, your highness. I… It has been so long since I’ve taken up dating again. So to find a creature as magnificent as your daughter, is wondrous. Would you believe she finds me handsome? It has truly been a remarkable experience if you ask me.”

“I can tell; I can smell my daughter’s hormones; she wants you to be her mate.”

“I already did mate with him, Mom. Just… no eggs; we’re not at that stage yet.”

“How do you mate and not get eggs?” I asked. “Isn’t that… the point of mating?”

“Sometimes, it just relieves stress,” Skitters admits. “A lot of the time, it’s for fun.”

“That’s weird.”

“You were also socially and mentally stumped by Queen Chrysalis, dear. You probably don’t-”

“Mom, I can hear Celestia moan whenever you go to visit her at night. Something about taking her, whatever that means. I do know that you end up coming into my room the next day reeking of sex, for whatever reason… How do two mares even do that… stuff?”

“...Don’t worry about it Stinky, I will tell you when you are older.”

“But Skitters has had sex and I’m older than her, apparently.”

“...You three are rather casual about this stuff,” The Doctor pointed out. He didn’t even look shocked, nor did he care, according to his smell. I did catch him mumbling about universes for a moment, but I didn’t know what that meant, so I ignored it.

“Why is he here, anyways?” I asked.

“You wanted to meet him, so I’m making you spend the day with him…”

“While I tease your sister about what she likes about her stallion.”

“Okay,” I nodded, before getting up and nosing the Doctor. “What are we going to do today?”

“So, is there anything in particular that you like doing, Mr… Stinky? That’s actually your name?” The Doctor asked.

“Yeah, that’s my name,” I nodded dumbly. “Why is that so shocking? Somebody looked at their child, saw they were permanently cross-eyed, and chose to name her Derpy Hooves. Celestia is weirdly named after the Sun-”

“She actually changed her name from Sunny Skies if I recall correctly. I did help aid her in her ascension and whatnot.”

“...But you aren’t immortal.”

“But I am the Doctor!”

I sneezed, I might be getting a little sick. “Do you have any random chemicals you can shove down my throat? Because somebody up above demands it, I am getting sick.”

“What the… Oh, the Nugget. That would explain why I am not being written into something cooler. But… Why do you need random, various chemicals?”

“My Mom used to make me, and everybuggy in the Hive for that matter, drink random things until either we die from the random thing, or we somehow don’t die and get better. Once I watched my cousin Billy drink something called butane, and then the Queen forced him to swallow a burning match… He exploded all over the place and covered me in chunks of his body. It was… traumatic.”

“What the buck… Queen Florial never struck me as that kind of evil. I would know, since I was there when she was crowned.” The Doctor hummed. “Though her being evil still wouldn’t make sense if Skitters is a normal, incredibly nice lady.”

“I’m talking about my other Mom, the adopted one. Queen Chrysalis loved doing ‘random experiments’ on changelings whenever they got sick. She made me drink dish soap, laundry detergent, something called gasoline, a bit of Billy-”

“What!?” The Doctor shouted. “What the… shoot, I can’t curse.”

“Of course you can. Watch…

“WHAT THE FU—-buck. Huh.”

Last chapter had too many swears in it. Be fucking family friendly, you stupid bug.

“Rude.”

“You know, I have seen many things. I’ve seen the ruins of wasted years, I’ve watched stars collide… and yet I don’t think I’ve ever seen somebody break their own writing to make the most overused ‘family friendly’ joke ever used. Then again, I have been forcibly written into love stories with Princess Luna, or this… Derpy Hooves that was mentioned, but…”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked.

“Don’t worry about it… What the buck is wrong with Queen Chrysalis? She was such a dear when I first met her eight hundred years ago.”

“Huh?” She was nice, once upon a time?

“Oh yes, she was a lovely dear. An absolute sucker for cuddling in front of the fireplace with a cup of hot cocoa. Oh, how the years must’ve taken a toll on her.”

“So why did she become evil?” I asked. “If Her Majesty was a decent bug, why did she start skinning changelings?”

“I can’t answer that, unfortunately. However, when it comes time to punish her for what she’s done, I would like a word with her first. Alright?”

“I can’t make that call,” I said bluntly.

“You’re Luna’s consort; you can easily make that call.” I could? I titled my head before turning to take a bite out of a window that I stole from Celestia’s room. It was a rendition of what happened to King Sombra before he died to death. The Doctor cocked an eyebrow before shrugging and rolling along with what the weird changeling before him was doing.

A couple days had passed since The Doctor and I hung out. For some bizarre reason, the Doctor chose to actively avoid me after I told him of the various, fun activities Queen Chrysalis does to us changelings when she gets bored. I don’t know why, because it made him look a little traumatized, and he smelled a little traumatized. He’s still dating Skitters, which is both good and bad. Good because my sister is going to be a very happy mare. It’s bad because now I can’t spend nearly as much time with either of them.

With Skitter dating the Doctor, and Mom dating Princess Celestia, I really couldn’t spend all the time in the world with either of them and it made me sad. So I just sat in my room for a while, feeling bored, until I remembered something rather important. I had a Luna, who while she is nocturnal, could be somepony I spend time with. Ms. Breeze and Soft were out and about, doing whatever because it was my maid’s day off. I got halfway through pondering whether I should go find Luna, until I walked over to my window…

Then I broke the wall next to it with my face, and broke the other window in my room before crawling out of it.

That was a mistake, since I didn’t open my wings, and I fell right into a wall of hedges… Ow. I shook myself off, noted that my butt hurts a lot, because that’s what I landed on. I slowly raised my eyes up off the ground, before finding a blue box. It had the words ‘police public call box’ or something like that. Isn’t this the Doctor’s home or something? He and Skitter borrowed a room in the castle for some reason… I don’t know why.

Skitter and Doctor Whooves were getting ready for a day-long cuddling and reading session. An actual cuddle session, not sex. Get your head out of the gutter, dear reader.

I walked up to the box, started sniffing and licking it constantly, before nodding. I opened the door and was greeted with a really big room. It was really metallic and disgusting. There were lights in circles, each was about the size of my eyes, and there was a table full of a bunch of buttons, levers, and other stuff. So the first thing I did was hit every single button, flipped every switch, kicked over a trash can because I am a changeling and I’m a little menace, and then the room started shaking and burning…

I think that trash can was important to the structural integrity of the box that was really huge… oh hey, explosions. I hope the Doctor doesn’t mind his home blowing up; he is a hobo after all, I doubt he can even call this a house. It looks sad, miserable, and a thing that you’d steal after genociding your own race. Well, I might as well take a nap, so I went and pressed another button on the table and a bed popped out. I crawled myself under the bed and settled down.

The sound of the machine jerking to and fro, along with the explosions made it really hard to sleep.

So, imagine you are a pink little filly with auburn eyes and a curly, pale blue mane. Can you imagine it? Cool. Now, imagine that you just tried burning the very fundamentals of Equestria to the ground because you got shipped off to a school you didn’t want to go to, and because you’re a little petty, figured burning down your country was a good idea. Your parents are assholes that don’t even ask before shipping you off, and they barely paid attention to you. Now, after nearly burning down the country, at your young age, you figure you could maybe be ‘reformed’ like the other great villains of Equestria.

Instead, you go to Tartarus and get placed next to a centaur, the same one you used as a mentor to conduct your plans of being an evil little menace to society that’s cute and lovable. Oh, and there’s a changeling Queen, presumably, Chrysalis, just sitting there and crying as there were five boxes in front of her. As she ate the pizza, you can quickly guess why she was crying; none of the pizza had pineapple. And they had white sauce, something that Chrysalis was allergic to.

Her eyes were pink and her cheeks were puffy. This was all they had been feeding her for years.

Still following along? Good. Say ‘hi Cozy Glow’ because that’s where she is. Chained to the floor of the cage she was now occupying, with her wings tied, she was sitting there, bored. Of all the things they could’ve given her, a second chance, which she would use to burn down Canterlot Castle out of spite, or maybe even a stack of books, they left her coloring books, some crayons, and a couple of used markers.

She wasn’t even given a full color set of crayons.

Now, accompanying the Princesses that stuck you here, was a changeling. It looked stupid enough, but there was a changeling that was constantly nuzzling and snuggling up to the dark blue one, Princess Luna.

Now, Cozy was still a filly, and not above doodling and coloring in a coloring book. Though with only red, blue, and yellow available, along with a dried up black marker made it so doing that at all wasn’t fun. She threw a crayon at Chrysalis, who ended up eating that just to have something that wasn’t a plain, cheese and white sauce pizza with too much garlic on it.

Cozy groaned, before starting a fire with the dried up marker, and throwing it on the pile of coloring books that were already colored in, an insult to injury. “This FUCKING SUCKs- WOAH WHAT THE FUCK?!” A blue box crashed through the ceiling of Tartarus, coming straight down and slamming into Tirek’s cage. The Centaur only had a moment to react before the box accidentally crushed him and might’ve landed entirely on Tirek’s head… No readers, he did not die or get killed, he was just rendered unable to breathe, eat, have a brain, or a skull. No, he didn’t die, reader. No, he is not dead. This story is family friendly and people don’t die… just ignore the king that Stinky killed by accident.

The box fell over with a ‘thunk’ crushing whatever was left of Tirek. The door kicked open, and a changeling, the same one that was just with Princess Luna on the way out of Tartarus. He looked around for a moment, blinked another time and sniffed the air. “Why does it smell like dead Centaur?” He asked, before looking down and staring at the blown up cage, somehow missing the entirety of a totally not dead Tirek. He shrugged before his eyes landed on Cozy Glow, who was now just shivering in fear.

“Oh, hey Mom! What the buck are you doing here?”

“...Beatle? Why are you here? Didn’t you just leave with Luna?”

“No, I just crashed through a piece of land that looked suspiciously like a moose head.” The changeling hopped off of the blue box, that was now drenched in red stuff, it’s just ketchup. Family friendly, remember?

“Well Mom, I hope you’re enjoying your pizza.” I chose to ignore how Queen Chrysalis, her majesty looked awful and sad. Maybe I’ll take her with me in the blue box, maybe I won’t. What caught my eye was the little filly in front of me that was shivering in fear. I bit the bars of her cage, and pulled. In a moment, there was a hole big enough for me to get in. “Hello! Why are you shivering in fear?” The filly pointed at the blue box that had crushed a pony-monkey looking thing.

Oh, he is definitely dead. That’s probably what I was smelling.

“I won’t hurt you.” I said bluntly. Maybe I should be smart… nah.

“But… you have every reason to hurt us! I just got done stealing the magic of friendship and smacking you in the face with a beam of magic!”

“No you didn’t.”

“Huh… What is that blue box?”

“Buck if I know.” I got on my belly and took the rope that was bounding the little filly’s wings, and ate that. “Where are we, if you don’t mind me asking.”

“Tartarus,” Her Majesty sniffled. “It is absolutely dreadful… I have to eat this instead of love!” she pointed towards a cheesy pizza. Its stench was very garlicky.

“Why… is a filly in Tartarus?”

“I tried taking over Equestria,” Cozy said. “And you probably came back to get revenge- EEP! Don’t…what are you doing?” I lunged forward, took the chain on her left, hind leg off, and pulled her into my chest. The bottom half of her body was tucked under my chest, and I was grooming her head. “Why are you grooming me?” She asked. I didn’t answer, I just kept on keeping on.

“Can I have that, too, Stinky?” Chrysalis asked. “It’s… been long since I’ve had any affection of any sort.”

“You stuck a sword in my leg because you were bored.” I said, briefly stopping my grooming of what is now my filly. “Fuck you, Mom.”

“Oh…” She sighed, laying her head down. I blinked a couple of times, before patting Cozy Glow. “Stay here, please. I’ll get you out of here with that box.” The filly nodded, and I squeezed through the bars and squeezed through the bars of Chrysalis’s cage. You know, despite her being an awful changeling, queen, and mother, she was still technically my adoptive mother. So yes, I do still care about her. The way she pitifully laid her head on the ground made me feel bad, so I guess I’m definitely taking her with me. I got down on my stomach before her Majesty, before crawling forward.

“Beatle?” Chrysalis asked. We booped noses, and my old Queen immediately pulled me into a hug before crying. You know, given how much of an inside joke it was, amongst us ‘lings, that Queen Chrysalis is a horrible changeling… that was mostly a joke. She mainly did just pull pranks… and decapitated a few changelings and stuffed chemicals in the sick ones. She hugged me, nuzzled me a bunch, and let me go. “You… look younger than the Beatle that was just here. Is that blue box capable of time travel?”

“I don’t know. I just went in, pressed every button, and ended up here.”

“Oh.” She sighed and nuzzled me. “Well, I would like to… atone for everything I’ve put you through, but I’m not sure if-”

“It’s fine. I’m not dead, am I?”

“No, I suppose not.”

“I can’t take you with me yet, since we’re still dealing with you apparently, since you wanted to take Canterlot after finding out that Luna wants to be my mate.”

“Oh… that time. I see why I cannot be taken yet. Will you come back for me once you are… past that?” I nodded. “Okay… I promise, as soon as you do, I will try to learn…” The Queen visibly shuttered. “Friendship.”

“Okay. I’m going to go talk to that little filly again.” I walked over to the filly. “What is your name?”

“...Cozy Glow.”

“Cool. You’re my filly now.” She looked up at me, before I picked her up, and held her to my chest. “My filly.”

“...I’m going to have a parent that actually likes me?” I answered her with a nuzzle. “And I get a cool parent…” She looked at the remains of the centaur. “If that is any indicator.” I shrugged, and set Cozy on my back. Despite her protests of initially being carried like a baby, she nuzzled into my neck, tucked her forelegs in, and closed her eyes while I fluttered into the blue box. I threw the trash can at the center table and it started making a lot of noise again.”

“And that is how I have a daughter now!” Mom, Skitter, Luna, and Celestia were sitting and staring at me. Behind me, was a hole in the biggest window in the throne room. The blue box was lying on its side, smoldering and covered in blood, with Doctor Whooves staring at it and holding the sides of his head while frantically spraying it with bleach. Sitting on my back, hugging my neck, was Cozy Glow. She was resting her cheek on the back of my head.

Floating in my magic was a coloring book and a crayon box that she was happily making use of while we got through this boring meeting.

“...You killed Tirek?” Celestia asked.

“I don’t know who that is.”

“Okay then,” she sighed. “Though, if that filly, in the future, takes over Equestria, why did you take her?”

“She is cute, and I had fun playing with Soft Breeze all the time. I wanted something to pour my time into.”

Mom and Skitter weren’t even shocked. Well, Mom was shivering in delight, probably because she has a grandfoal now, while Skitter looked like she was plotting something. Something that involved spoiling my daughter by the looks of things.

“Can I go take my daughter to my room now? My head hurts because I used it to break a hole in the wall.”

“Just go,” Celestia said.

Celestia popped a bottle of Advil, something she got while visiting the world beyond the Crystal Mirror, and popped every single pill into her mouth. “I swear, that changeling makes me question the point of consistency in the universe. He perfectly piloted a time machine, rescued a future villain, has plans to rescue his abusive, adoptive mother, and killed one of my greatest foes. Now, he has a daughter… Are you even listening, Flarial?”

“I’m a grandma, Celly. I need to go knit a sweater for her, right fucking now!” She jumped out a nearby window, while Skitter shook her head and went to go comfort her frantic coltfriend while he had a can full of blue paint and a fire extinguisher.

Author's Note

No, Tirek didn't get die, he just passed away.