Uncle Anon is a Bad Influence

by RunicTreetops

Rating: teen
Tags: Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Flurry Heart, Comedy, Profanity, Slice of Life, Human, Narcotics
Length: 2067

Flurry Heart is a grown mare (16 years old) now, MOM! Her parents just don't get it. At least Uncle Anon is here to listen to her... for better or for worse.

Knowledge of the previous story is not required.

The tale of how Anon, a human completely unrelated to the Crystal Empire's royal family, came to be known as Flurry Heart's uncle is a long one. The important part is that Flurry, now sixteen years old, sees him as a role model. She admires his sense of freedom and his carefree outlook on life. That's what she wants for herself, too. Unfortunately, her parents seem dead set on forcing her to be a picture perfect princess.

Ugh, growing up sucks.

Published 2023-08-28 22:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-08-28 22:50:00 UTC

Uncle Anon is a Bad Influence

Anon tosses a bottle of Dr. Popper to Flurry Heart. She catches it using telekinesis before giving him an unimpressed look.

"Really? This is all ya got?"

"I'm not getting yelled at by your mother or the authorities for giving a minor alcohol."

"Laaaame."

"Flurry, it's barely noon."

"And?"

"Even I have standards."

"Ugh. I don't remember you being this stuffy."

Anon, the only human in Equestria, chuckles as he sits down, dangling his feet from the railing of a balcony near the very top of the Crystal Empire Castle. Flurry Heart groans as she takes a seat next to him, popping the cap from the bottle of liquid sugar before taking a sip.

Princess Flurry Heart, the only child of Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor, is an alicorn mare who just recently turned sixteen years old. Her pink coat and colorful mane make her initially appear innocent and cute, but her numerous ear and nose piercings, coupled with the liberally applied black makeup and dark-colored outfit clash quite a bit with her natural color. All in all, her outward appearance makes it clear that she was born for a purpose, and she is doing everything she can to reject that purpose.

Meanwhile, Anon isn't much to look at in the first place. He's definitely getting older, his age finally starting to show on his otherwise unremarkable face. He has taken to wearing a nice suit when he visits the Empire, but that's mostly due to Cadance's insistence that he looks presentable when in Flurry's presence. Ironically, he seems to be bent more to Cadance's will than her own daughter is.

Anon turns to face his "niece," a cocky smile on his face.

"So?"

"...So?"

"You invited me here, remember? You only do that when something is on your mind."

"Oh. Er... right."

"Hmhm. You've got that face you make when you're embarrassed about something."

"I-I'm not!"

Anon raises his hands innocently in the air, clearly teasing her.

"I'm just saying! If there's anything you want to tell me, I'll listen. If you don't, well, no harm no foul. Though, if you're having boy troubles, I doubt there's much I can do to help you."

"Ugh! It's not 'boy troubles!' Even if it was, I certainly wouldn't ask YOU for advice about it!"

"I mean, it would probably be counterintuitive to ask me anyway considering your mom is literally the princess of love or whatever."

"I feel like my insult went over your head."

"And I feel like my joke retort went over yours."

"Touché."

The two share a glance before laughing together. Ever since she was still a foal, Anon has been helping watch over Flurry Heart. Being as close to Twilight as he is really helps with that, seeing as she is Flurry's ACTUAL aunt as well as her favorite family member. As a result, she's pretty comfortable around him.

"How long are your parents going to be in that meeting?"

"Pfft. Knowing them, at least until sundown."

"Sounds like we've got all day, then."

"Eeyup."

"...And you're going to put off telling me whatever it is that you've got weighing on you for as long as possible, aren't you?"

"You know me so well!" Her voice carries a tone indicating that she is mocking Anon.

"Alright then. What did you plan for us to do in the meantime?"

"You make it sound like I had something ready to go." Anon raises an eyebrow at her. "...Okay, maybe I did."

"And?"

Flurry sighs.

"I was thinking you could maybe... help me commit a minor act of vandalism?"

"Woah woah woah! You're just gonna start with that?"

"You say that like it's below you."

"Hey, I didn't say no. I just need a bit more context."

"Ugh, fine." Flurry takes a deep breath. "There's a classmate of mine that keeps insisting on making my life a living hell, wanting to be 'better than the princess' or whatever. Ordinarily I wouldn't really care, but she started spreading rumors about me that I'm... less than fond of."

"Wow. Sounds like she's... uh..."

"A massive bitch?"

"Yeah that's a good term."

"Well, yes. She is."

"And to retaliate, you want to do what, exactly?"

"She's throwing a house party this afternoon. My whole class is going to be there, but I wasn't invited. They said they 'don't want the royal family breathing down their necks.' Peh, as if I want anything to do with being a royal."

"I thought you hated your classmates? Why would you care that you weren't invited?"

"It's a matter of principle, Anon! Duh!"

...Teenagers.

Anon stands up and stretches his back, a loud popping sound ringing out as he does so.

"What are you doing?"

"I thought you said we were gonna go vandalize this party."

"Oh, you... you're cool with that?"

"I've got nothing better to do today. Besides, it's been a while since I've caused some problems."

"Do you even know what we're going to do?"

"Did you have a plan in mind?"

"Er... no, not really."

"Great. Then we're going to need a lighter, six paper bags, an opened can of paint, some gin, about two-hundred paperclips, and an old shirt you don't mind getting ruined."

"Okay, I can probably get some of my personal guards to grab me at least some of that. Uhh, should I be writing this down?"

"It would help."

"..." Flurry pulls a notepad out of seemingly nowhere, along with a pair of jet-black reading glasses, and begins to write. "Does it matter what color the paint is?"

"Let's go with fuchsia."

The sun is beginning to set over the horizon. The day was an absolute whirlwind of chaos and fun. Man, that would have been fun to read about, wouldn't it?

Anon and Flurry find themselves back on that same balcony. The darkness beginning to envelop the Empire makes the single burning building near the outskirts of the city stand out all the more. Flurry watches it with sparkles in her eyes, unable to look away. Anon appears completely nonplussed.

"Uncle Anon?"

"Hm?"

"Did... did you plan all of that?"

"Sure did."

"Even the yaks?"

"Especially the yaks."

"And the mustard gas?"

"That was their mistake, not ours."

"...Uncle Anon?"

"Yeah?"

"That was pretty much the coolest thing I've ever done."

"Don't tell me you were underestimating what I'm capable of?"

"Not on purpose, at least."

"Hah! Everyone does. That's a part of what makes doing what I do so much fun. They're always caught off guard."

"..."

"...Flurry?"

"It must be nice."

"I'm sorry?"

"Nopony expects anything from you. You can AFFORD to be underestimated. You're literally an alien! No one knows what to make of you, and because you're so 'harmless,' nobody CARES what you do." Flurry scowls as she continues to watch the house burn to the ground. "You're the exact opposite of me."

"...So that's what all this is about."

Anon takes a deep breath before reaching over and flicking Flurry on the nose.

"Ow! The hell?!"

"Flurry, you hate it when your parents tell you what to do, yeah?"

"Duh."

"And since you're a princess, they're the only ponies in the Empire that CAN tell you what to do, right?"

"Considering the Royal Guard has to listen to my commands unless told otherwise by my parents, I'd say that's accurate."

"So... you hate listening to authority figures?"

"Screw the system, and screw anyone who tries to tell me how to live."

"Well, have you considered that to everyone else, you're 'the system?'"

"...H-huh?"

"You're 'Princess Flurry Heart!' At your command, you could have all of your classmates arrested for treason, and the only thing that would happen to you is your parents getting mad at you!"

"That's not even true!"

"But don't you think your classmates believe it?"

"W-well, that's..."

"I'm just saying. At the end of the day, we all just want to be ourselves. Yes, being a princess sucks. It's stifling, it's boring, and everypony sees you differently than they see each other. And yet, those are just the struggles you have to deal with for the sake of the benefits you get."

"Pfft. You sound like mom."

"Let me guess." Anon places the backs of his hands beneath his chin in a 'V' shape and speaks in a tone meant to mock Cadance. "You're an alicorn, Flurry! You represent the Crystal Empire! You can't be behaving in such a way!"

Flurry chuckles.

"Yeah, that's pretty accurate."

"Screw that. I'm not saying you need to live up to what everyone thinks you should be. Nopony knows who you are better than yourself. What I'm saying is that, so long as you're trying to do good in your own way, you're doing just fine. You can't expect everything to go your way all the time, but you can at least appreciate when it does."

"...I'm gonna be honest, pep talks really aren't your thing."

"Yeah, I'm aware."

"Seriously, your messaging was all over the place. What do you think this is, a Saturday morning cartoon?"

"I'm trying to be a good role model, damn it."

"You just helped me burn down my classmate's house."

"It was funny!"

"I agree! And you shouldn't have helped me with it!"

"You ASKED me to!"

"And you shouldn't have listened!"

The two continue to bicker for a good while. Eventually, the door to the balcony opens behind them.

Princess Cadance looks on with wide eyes and an expression of sheer confusion. Anon and her daughter are sitting on the balcony railing. Anon appears to have Flurry stuck in a headlock, but both are grinning ear to ear. When they notice her, they both freeze in place.

"Uhh... whatcha doin' out here?"

They share a glance, then look back at Cadance. Anon whispers under his breath.

"On three."

"Seriously, what have you two been doing all day?"

"One."

"Anon, I really hope you haven't been encouraging her negative behaviors again."

"Two."

"Is... is that house on fire?! It's made of crystal, how does that even happen?!"

"Three!"

Anon and Flurry both flip backwards off the balcony, catching Cadance completely off guard.

"Wh-what are you doing?!"

Cadance runs over to the balcony and looks down, but neither Anon nor her daughter are anywhere to be seen.

"Argh! You ALWAYS do this!"

Cadance storms off of the balcony, ready to call the guards and get a search party going. Meanwhile, once the door closes, Anon and Flurry land back onto the balcony. Flurry had flown as quietly as possible beneath it, just out of sight of her mother. Anon is heavy, but Flurry's a pretty strong mare.

...She still breaks a sweat lifting him back up, though.

"Good call."

"Yeah, thanks for grabbing me."

"Hey, if you get caught, we're BOTH in trouble."

"Speaking of, I should probably try to slip away to the train station before they find me again."

"See ya." Anon gives Flurry a pat on the back and heads towards the balcony door. "And don't let the cops find ya on your way out! I'm above the law, but you sure aren't!"

"Hah! I can run from the cops all day, it's the IRS you want to avoid."

"I... what?"

"Ah. Sorry, I forgot that tax evasion is the default setting for the elite."

"...I'm so confused."

"Bye, Flurry! See you at Hearth's Warming!"

And with that, Anon closes the door and begins his escape from the Crystal Empire. Flurry Heart smiles to herself and looks back out at the landscape below, taking in the view of the evening.

"Sweet Celestia, he's such a dork."

When Flurry eventually makes it to her bedroom, she quickly closes and locks the door behind her. She lets out a sigh of relief, happy to have avoided her parents for the night.

Throwing herself onto her bed, she is immediately struck by a sudden pain in her head. Why did her pillow feel hard?

She lifts up said pillow, revealing an unopened bottle of Mac Spamiels beneath it.

"...Hehe. Uncle Anon, you cheeky bastard."

Author's Note

I love that a large portion of this community just kind of collectively decided that Flurry grows up to be a moody, rebellious teen. I find the concept very entertaining.

As always, I appreciate any and all feedback!