Sturdy back, broken heart
Save the last dance for me
The Cherry Ranch, Appleloosa's sleaziest strip club, squatted beneath a grand billboard of Rarity, winking at the camera. Beneath the peeling paint of her perfect smile was a barely legible phrase in an overly accented designed font.
"Be beautiful, be you."
Apple Bloom glanced at it briefly as she stepped out of her pick-up. Sweetie used to get so sullen whenever she saw those stupid billboards. Apple Bloom had always wanted to be the one to cheer her back up, even if Rarity's face brought back unfortunate memories for her as well.
But like always, Scoots had beaten her to the punch.
The front door was a heavy wooden thing with a vague western theme to it, but it was too dirty to pull of whatever facade at classiness that was being attempted. No sooner had she opened the door than she was blasted by a slow tear-in-your beer ballad and the image of a half-dressed woman grinding on a pole in the center of the room.
Ignoring the hostile looks of the all-male regulars, she marched over to the bar and sat down on a stool that squeaked in protest.
"Just give me whatever's cheapest." She said, taking off her baseball cap and slapping two bills down on the counter.
The bartender, a heavily tattooed man, raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to see some ID."
Apple Bloom turned around. "I'm twenty, I'm here for the girls not the drinks, alright?"
He frowned. "There's a two drink minimum."
"Then get me two cokes and leave me alone." Apple Bloom scowled.
He sighed. "We don't have coke products, just Pepsi."
"No, not coke like cola. Coke like soda. Now are you gonna talk the entire time I'm here or you can find something in this fancy bar of yours to get me?"
Grumbling, the bartender leaned down to a little mini fridge where he kept soda cans. By the time he'd returned with her drink, the song had ended and the dancer, a petite creature with short blonde hair, had climbed down off the stage and begun soliciting lap-dances.
"Thank you all for being such a lovely audience..." Called a kindly southern voice over the loudspeaker. "And thank you Jonni for providing such a wonderful performance. Remember, a private show is available for appreciative customers. Just swing by my office next to the stage and we'll work something out."
Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. Everyone knew that the Cherry Ranch's "private shows" were just a front for prostitution. She supposed that the girls who worked here were better off than those who worked the street though. Cherry Jubilee might have been a shrewd madam when you got down to it, but she made sure her employees weren't laid out with arrest warrants or STDs.
She had to scoff at her own, reflexive need to fall back on optimism. Somehow, she'd transformed this sleazy dive into a respectable alternative to homelessness, defending Cherry's blatant exploitation of these young women without prompting. Perhaps to make herself feel better about visiting this shithole.
Perhaps just to feel better about the world.
"Rough day?" The bartender asked, as she downed the can.
"I didn't come here to talk." Apple Bloom said, sliding what she owed across the bar. She had no interest in this dirtbag and whatever armchair psychology he was about to spew to make her drop her panties.
The thrill of seeing pretty girls dancing and stripping just for her, was far preferable to any casual dicking that he might offer. That was the thing about women, they weren't just softer and prettier. They knew that there was more to sex than orgasming. They knew that the holding, the belonging, the companionship, could be just as rewarding as any cheap spasm.
"Everybody please give a nice warm welcome...to Chordette!!"
There was a smattering of half-boozed hoots, indicating that Chordette, was probably the current favorite. Apple Bloom slouched against the bar, ready to see a stack of obviously fake double-ds on a 32 waist.
What she did not expect to see was a female body builder in a cowboy outfit. A brown Stetston was tipped low over her face, as if she was the unrevealed antagonist in a Clint Eastwood film. The effect was rendered more bizarre by the booty shorts around her hips, the shiny black leather boots that reached her shins and the fringe leather coat barely obscuring her naked chest.
A blonde ponytail swung between like a pendulum her shoulder blades as she reached the pole, wrapped her hands around it and swiveled to shove her ass in the audience's face. As she did, Linda Rondstadt's cover of Poor, Poor Pitful Me came over the speakers.
The lyrics were drowned out though, by the rowdy audience, who lost interest in Jonni immediately stood up from their chairs to whistle and bray.
Chordette remained devoted to her routine, entirely focused on wrapping herself around the pole and allowing the brown leather coat to shimmy down her back. As she hoisted herself mid-way up the pole, she hung upside down, allowing the coat to fall free but holding onto her hat as if she were riding a mechanical bull. Then she shot upright like a geyser, her thick, toned thighs squeezed tight around the pole, her half-exposed ass-cheeks quivering as she slammed her crotch back down onto the pole and let out a moan that was so breathy Apple Bloom almost couldn't tell it was rehearsed.
Then she started to grind up and down on the pole, removing her hat and using it to hide and then quickly reveal her breasts to the men sitting to either side of the stage's walkway. As she did, the shorts began to slip down her legs, slowly exposing the whale tail of her black thong. Gradually, she freed her legs from the shorts tossing them with a flick of her boot back across the stage, behind the curtains from which she had come.
Finally, she rolled down onto her back and somersaulted backwards and into a split, so that her legs were spread wide across the edge of the stage and her breasts divided by the pole. Then she glanced over her shoulder at her audience and Apple Bloom felt the floor give way.
It had been hard to tell before. Applejack had put on a lot of muscle mass since Apple Bloom had last seen her. And her hair was longer too. But those green eyes were unmistakable.
It was her sister up on that stage, exposing it all beneath the big bright stage lights, the clear outline of her vaginal lips pressed into the tight lingerie.
Apple Bloom got up clumsily, clumsily enough to draw attention to herself. Fortunately, the Cherry Ranch was so dimly lit, that it afforded anonymity to all its customers except those closest to the harshly illuminated stage. Soon she was out of the club, away from the wretched heat of the sweat soaked interior and into the cool moisture of the overcast evening.
She walked straight to her truck and climbed inside, putting her key in the gas and steadying her hands on the wheel.
Then she paused. As frightened as she was, by what she'd just seen, and by its effect on her, she couldn't leave. No, she wouldn't. Not until she got some answers.
Opening her purse and digging around inside, she pulled out it. Her little accomplice. When she and Sweetie were still together it had been their go to toy for those nights of unearthly pleasure. Since they'd broken up it had become her sole partner.
It was a short, pink and white vibrator with a little dial on its side. OFF - ON - HIGH. She flicked it on, briefly, and then stuffed it into her purse. It wasn't enough. If she was going to see her sister for what would probably end up being one last time, she needed to make an impression...
After a quick trip to the local kink shop provided Apple Bloom with everything she needed. A blindfold, a pair of fluffy handcuffs, some velvet rope and a strap-on twice the size of the one she had back at her apartment. Plus, a quick trip to the ATM to make sure she had the sufficient cash for the Ranch's premium services.
She was careful, re-entering the Ranch, to be sure that the backlit opening of the front door didn't reveal her identity to anyone within. Apple Bloom needn't have worried. Her sister had finished her routine and was currently giving a lap dance to a stoned mechanic in a baseball cap.
Apple Bloom had to laugh. She still remembered the time that Applejack had caught her and Sweetie behind the old barn. She'd been forced to stand there with her head in her hands while Applejack gave her a thirty-minute speech about waiting until she was married. At the time it had been the most mortifying experience in Apple Bloom's adolescence.
Now she could only look back on it and smile. All her suspicions about her sister's uptight prudishness had just been proven right. All those nights sitting in bed and pretending she couldn't hear Applejack and Rarity fooling around in the room next door. All those nights forcing herself not to think about AJ when she played with herself.
Apple Bloom hadn't thought about Applejack that way, not since she left. But Apple Bloom couldn't help but get excited at the thought of finally exposing her stuck-up sister for the slut she was. The shoe was finally on the other foot, and she was going to luxuriate in the smugness of her discovery.
Knocking lightly on the door to the office down the hall from the stage, she was warmly welcomed inside by Cherry Jubilee.
"I assume you're not here to take me up on my earlier offer." Cherry said, as she slid back behind her desk, where the microphone for her announcements sat.
Apple Bloom remained standing. "I'm here to rent a private show."
Cherry raised an eyebrow. "It's been a while since one of my girls serviced a lady."
Apple Bloom folded her arms. "Does that mean its gonna cost extra?"
Cherry smiled, demurely. "Of course not. I wish more women were as confident in their sexuality as yourself."
"Just tell me how much for Chordette." Apple Bloom said. This was it, the moment of truth. There was no way that Applejack could have agreed to become a prostitute for Cherry Jubilee. She must have insisted on only doing the dancing part.
Then again, the Applejack that Apple Bloom had known never would have agreed to become a stripper either. Deep in her heart, she dared to hope that the same applied for the real moneymaker behind Jubilee's business.
"Oh, take a liking to her, did you? She's only been with us a few weeks, but she's attracted quite a few fans already." Cherry said with a wink.
Apple Bloom had the image of her sister, sucking cock and taking it from behind, from those drooling boors outside. It actually dampened her excitement, for reasons that she couldn't quite articulate. She supposed it was just because she wasn't interested in dick, but there was something deeper. Some kind of possessiveness toward her sister, who deserved to be railed after everything she'd put Apple Bloom through, but not by some limp-dick businessman who treated her like just another piece of meat.
"You know if you decided to become a dancer like her, you two could fool around whenever you felt like it..." Cherry said, chewing on the end of her glasses handles. Apple Bloom recognized the look in Cherry's eyes.
It was the same look that Filthy Rich had given her that last year on the farm, newly eighteen and doubly heartbroken by her brother's happy marriage. He'd thought maybe her daddy issues would make her stupid and eager enough to shove his middle-aged dick in her mouth. And just like Cherry Jubilee, he'd been ready to pay for the privilege getting access to her young flesh.
"Yeah, and I bet you'd pay us overtime just to film it, wouldn't ya?" Apple Bloom sneered. "Just tell me how much and how long I get to keep her for?"
Cherry sighed. "It's a hundred for an hour, four for the night."
Apple Bloom slapped the hard-earned cash down on the desk. "Here your damn money. I want her as soon as she's done with the show."
Cherry raised an eyebrow and counted the bills carefully. Then she smiled and opened a drawer, removing a small brass key. "This will unlock a room in the back for you. The second door on the left should be available."
Apple Bloom snapped the key out of her hand and turned away, marching out of the office.
The rooms behind the stage were nicer than the rest of the establishment. Not a place where Apple Bloom would normally choose to spend the night if she had a chance, but nice enough. Light pink sheets on a queen-sized bed and a mirror over the dresser.
Apple Bloom sat on the bed, her newly purchased toys bulging out of her purse. Except for the blindfold. That, a dark red bandana, she held in her hands, twisting back and forth between her fists.
The music was fading from away in the stage area, allowing her to overhear muffled grunts from the next room over. Trying to purge her mind of the intrusive image it summoned, she threw the blindfold on the bed, grabbed her purse and walked to the bathroom and cleaned off her face for the second time.
She'd started this to force Applejack see how badly she'd hurt her. Because to make her pay for what she'd done. But now for some reason, she was compelled to look put together when Applejack saw her again. The last thing she needed was pity, not after Applejack had surrendered all right to care about Apple Bloom. No, she wanted Applejack look like the pathetic one when the time came.
The door to the hall opened and the thick accent and peaceable naivety of another life filtered into the bathroom. "Uh, hello? Is anyone in here?"
Apple Bloom disguised her voice as best as she could, emulating the nasal pitch of her last roommate. "Uh, yeah...I'll be out in just a second. Would you mind putting on that blindfold?"
"Oh, uh...sure thing." It was unlikely the weirdest request that Applejack had gotten working here and thinking about that only made Apple Bloom angrier.
She waited a moment, until the rustling of movement and the creak of the mattress had ended. Then her eyes narrowed at her reflection.
"I don't understand...why are you goin'? Please, talk to me! Tell me what's wrong!"
"There ain't room here for me here no more. I'm sorry, Apple Bloom."
"No! Don't you say that! If you were really sorry, you'd stay!!"
"I'll send ya' money once I find a job. Be good for Big Mac."
Apple Bloom's fingers dug into the sink counter. Then she swung open the door and marched out.
Applejack sat on the edge of the bed, wearing the same costume as on stage, turned away, with the bandana tight over her eyes.
"I'm gonna handcuff your hands behind your back now..." Apple Bloom cursed herself silently. God this was so much more awkward than she'd expect. Could she have sounded anymore out of her element? She prayed that her politeness would disarm any suspicions Applejack had.
"Oh. That's alright." Applejack put her hands behind her back. She flinched though when Apple Bloom moved to place the cuffs over her wrists.
Turning slightly, she frowned through the bandana. "Are-are ya planning on being rough?"
Apple Bloom swallowed. Applejack was so vulnerable in this moment; it almost snuffed the embers in her chest.
Almost.
"I-I was." She said, barely able to keep up the faux-falsetto.
"Okay. I just need to know in case it means won't be able to dance tomorrow..." Applejack said, turning around.
Apple Bloom clicked the handcuffs into place and locked them with the little key she'd gotten from the store. Placing that down carefully atop the dresser, she took out the rope.
"Uh...can you turn around?" She asked.
Applejack nodded, rolling into the center of the bed and presenting her ass as if expecting her pounding was about to start. "Like this?" She asked.
Apple Bloom slid off one of Applejack's boots, having to struggle not to look at her crotch. That crotch which would be forever burned into her mind after Applejack's little performance.
"I'm going to tie your foot to the bedpost. Is that alright?" Apple Bloom asked.
Applejack's breath hitched. "Of course..." She said.
Her voice was getting huskier, like she was getting into this. The rage returned and Apple Bloom had to be careful not to yank Applejack's foot over to the bedpost too harshly. Being too rough too fast would tip her off that something was wrong for sure.
Tying Applejack's foot tight enough to avoid her being able to yank it free, but not so tightly as to cut off circulation, Apple Bloom quickly moved to the other foot and repeated the process.
"So, uh...what's your name?" Applejack asked.
Apple Bloom admired her handiwork for a moment, checking the knots twice. Then she spoke, in her real voice.
"Apple Bloom." She said.
Applejack was silent. That wasn't the right reaction, that wasn't right at all. Not when she should be crying or screaming and yelling.
"This...this is a joke, right?" Applejack asked.
"No." Apple Bloom grabbed her shorts and tugged them down, eventually realizing she had to unzip them to get them any further, with Applejack's thighs tied the way they were.
Apple Bloom stared at the core of her sister's being. The black panties were showing the ever-slightest sign of moisture. Either Applejack had enjoyed performing in front of those shitheads outside or, more likely, she liked the feeling of being tied up.
"You're about to get what's coming to you." Apple Bloom announced, grabbing her purse and dropping it heavily on the bed to emphasize her point.
"A-Apple Bloom...huh-hold on, this-this is a mistake..." Applejack started.
SMACK!
"Ah!"
Apple Bloom swung her hand down on her sister's left ass-cheek. She watched the blood rise to the surface, utterly uninterested in her sister's wiggling attempts to escape her binds. She was too engaged by the contrast to her sister's orange skin tone she'd briefly created.
Without ceremony, she struck the right to make it match the left. Her anger did get the better of her on that one though, causing her to hit a little bit harder and create a longer lasting discoloration.
"You walked out on me and Big Mac when we needed you more than anything..." Apple Bloom said. "...and now you're gonna pay for it."
"Wait, Apple Bloom, let's talk about this-"
SMACK! SMACK!
Apple Bloom began striking her sister's juicy, exposed ass. It was slow going, one cheek at a time, each handprint carefully centered. But Apple Bloom, while not as strong as her sister, was no slough in the athletics department after years of work on the farm and quickly she had brought a rosy hue to Applejack's supple cheeks.
"Apple Bloom, please! This...this is all a misunderstandin'!"
"Oh really..." Apple Bloom's hand was already starting to sting though. Quickly, she unbuckled her belt and whipped it off with a snap.
Then she laid into Applejack with the thick black leather.
"Aaah!" A real cry, one of pain, not surprise like the other she'd already extracted.
Good. She had no intentions of stopping until Applejack was crying her eyes out.
"When you told me that family didn't give up on each other, was that misunderstanding?" Apple Bloom asked.
THWACK!
"AAH! Apple Bloom, please, I-"
WHACK!
"When you told me that we looked out for each other...was that a misunderstanding!?" Apple Bloom swung again, striking her sister right on her fleshing thighs and making her shriek into the mattress and wiggle her ass tantalizingly.
"How about when you said you'd always be there for me, how about that?!" Apple Bloom said, before striking once more. This time all Applejack could do was moan.
That's when Apple Bloom saw it. In addition to the redness forming on Applejack's toned cheeks, the dampness between her legs was growing.
"You little bitch!" Apple Bloom didn't know why exactly the sight was so infuriating, but she knew her hatred only grew at the revelation.
SWATT! SWACK!
She began bringing the belt down hard, striking sideways across the already stinging sit-spots and causing Applejack to groan and squeal like a pig in heat. Apple Bloom just kept swatting at Applejack's already blood red ass, as she continued to verbally berate her sister.
"Is this why you left? Were you such a fucking freak...gettin' turned on by being treated like shit...is that why Rarity left? Is that why you ran off to join a fucking strip club? How many johns did you ask to tie you up, you stupid little slut?! How many clubs did you get kicked out of for being such a pervert!?!"
Applejack just groaned and humped the bed, pressing her cleavage down into the covers and squeezing together her slick thighs. "Please...Apple Bloom...stuh-stop..."
"Or what, are you gonna cum from your own sister punishing you?" Apple Bloom asked, grabbing Applejack's hair and lifting her face off the bed.
"I-I'm sorry..." Applejack said, her thighs still flexing against the ropes in desperation for relief.
"I don't care to fucking hear it." Apple Bloom said, yanking the strap-on out of her bag and stuffing it into Applejack's drooling mouth. "You left behind your family to come her, so you could suck cock and get your ass whipped. Well go ahead, big sis...fucking blow it, you cock-sucking whore!"
Applejack continued to struggle to speak. Apple Bloom wasn't interested. She thrust the rubber phallus deep and hard, making Applejack cough and hack and eventually forcing her to focus on licking the sucking the strap-on as requested, rather than start choking.
"Go ahead, whore...earn your fucking paycheck, you worthless bitch!" Apple Bloom ordered, dragging Applejack's head up and down the dildo too quick for her to settle into a comfortable rhythm before yanking it out and slapping Applejack's cheeks with it. "I bet this nothing to you, huh? You probably had two dicks in there and two in the ass at the same time, didn't ya?"
Applejack heaved and coughed, saliva dripping down all over her vest and bra.
"This is why Rarity broke up with you, isn't it? Someone like her could never treat you the way you deserved to be...the way you fucking needed to be..."
Applejack groaned and Apple Bloom saw that tear stains had begun to form beneath the blindfold.
"I'm gonna fuck you now..." Apple Bloom said, sliding off her jeans and strapping the toy on. She smeared its saliva coated surface across Applejack's face one last time and bumped her chin with its fake balls. "I paid good money for your skanky ass...I'm gonna get my fucking value for it, you understand?!"
Applejack didn't answer, she was too busy coughing. Apple Bloom didn't wait for her to finish. She pulled the vibrator out of the purse and, climbed back to the end of the bed. Then she jammed her little helper up against her sister's cunt and set it to "HIGH". Applejack groaned, instantly as the vibrations wracked through her collapsed form and Apple Bloom dragged her strap-on back and forth across Applejack's panties, creating further stimulation and more lubricant at the same time. Then she grabbed the crotch of the soaked thong and ripped it off.
"That feel good, doesn't it?" She asked, rubbing the point of her dildo against Applejack's sopping slit, while she continued to massage her sister's clit with the vibrator.
Applejack mumbled something and half-heartedly tried to pull against her restraints.
"Aw, ya don't wanna cum in front of your little sister, whore?" Apple Bloom mocked. "Don't worry...you won't."
She dropped the vibrator, allowing Applejack to hear it's buzzing and sense its vibrations but unable to reach it with her legs splayed. Then she shoved the tip of the dildo into Applejack's asshole, pressing the saliva and pussy sauce into the hole as she worked herself forward.
Applejack let out a series of pained grunts and Apple Bloom, disappointed that she had been denied another shriek of pain, smacked her hard on the ass. That got an adequate squeal out of Applejack and Apple Bloom shoved herself deeper to coincide with Applejack's surprised jerk, seemingly winding her in the process.
"I'll tell you what I wanted..." Apple Bloom said, shoving herself deeper with each sentence. "I wanted a sister who didn't leave me after my grandmother died, so that I had to process my grief all alone. I wanted a sister who I could look up to, who didn't end up turning tricks as a masochistic hooker." She smacked Applejack again, this time on the other side. "I wanted a sister who I could talk to, when I lost my two best friends!"
She began to fuck in earnest then, pulling out and pushing in and grabbing the vibrator and pressing it to Applejack's thigh to tease her. "I wanted a mother figure to be there when I fuckin' graduated. But I guess neither of us are gonna fuckin' get what we want, are we?!"
With that, she pressed the vibrator to the leather harness from which the strap-on hung. Letting her eyes roll back in her head she began to fuck Applejack harder and harder. Imagining she was Sweetie Belle, who'd promised they'd always been together, just like Applejack and then fuckin' took off the first chance she got. Imagining she was Scootaloo who'd stolen Sweetie from her with that tight little ass and cute fucking tongue. Imagining she was Sugar Belle, who spent so much time trying to make Apple Bloom feel welcome in her and Big Mac's home that all Apple Bloom could think about was how much she wanted to fuck her over her stupid fucking brand new oven while she screamed in her ear "THIS ISN'T YOUR HOME."
Fucking Rarity in her stupid fucking princess ass for breaking up with Applejack and making her leave and ruining her life.
Then she was back to Applejack, fucking and spanking her with her hand as she drilled her sweat-soaked body into the mattress like the dirty fucking cock-socket she was. For a long time, there'd been four of them. Then there'd been three. But that wasn't Granny's fault. Granny had gone because it was her time.
Applejack had left. She had left Apple Bloom on that fucking farm to grow to hate her and hate everything which reminded her of her, which was fucking everything because Applejack had been the biggest part of her life for most of her life.
"You stupid...fucking...fuck you...fuck, I FUCKING HATE YOU!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!" Apple Bloom shouted as she violated her big sister's rectum as roughly as she could.
Then exhaustion and frustration push her over the edge. She yanked herself out, ripped off the harness and pressed her well-trimmed pussy to Applejack's swollen cunt, pushing the vibrator between the two of them and groaning with half-hysterical delight as she forced her sister to climax in tandem with her.
She spasmed against Applejack and then fell limp beside her, switching off the vibrator as she lay there sighing and panting. As the aftershocks of both their orgasms finally faded and the adrenaline of arousal waned, Apple Bloom saw her traumatized sister's face, cringing and contorted beneath the now soaked bandana.
"Why'd you go...?" Apple Bloom asked, reaching out and pulling away the blindfold so that she could look her sister in those big emerald eyes. "Why'd you go and ruin everything...you were the only person that I...I can't even remember mom anymore Applejack, I can only remember you...and you left."
She was crying too now, five years of hatred and fear and bitterness welling up into a horrified flood at the twisted mockery of herself that she had become. Applejack looked away, continuing to sob softly into the mattress and Apple Bloom scooted closer to her, hugging her bound sister and pressing her bulbous tits into her own slimmer chest.
"You left and I got angry, and Sweetie said that she couldn't be with somebody who was too angry to love her back...and all I had was Big Mac and he didn't have time for me no more, between running the farm and having a marriage...and it's all your fault...why couldn't you have just stayed? Why'd you have to leave us behind?"
Applejack sobbed into Apple Bloom's strawberry hair, her whole body shaking with emotion and over-stimulation. Then slowly she spoke, her voice muffled.
"First Rarity had to go west...and she wanted me to come with her. I-I told her I had to stay...to look after the farm. A-and we were gonna stay together...long distance and all. And then Big Mac got married and...and there wasn't as much room at the house anymore. And that was alright...and then we lost Granny, and I couldn't do none of it no more...I couldn't be strong like you needed me to be...and all my friends were moving away, going to college, becoming somebody. But I was still there and Big Mac...he had Sugar Belle; he didn't need me around no more...and you...you were growing up so fast...I thought...I thought..."
It was Apple Bloom's turn to hide in Applejack's hair. "You're so stupid sometimes...of course I needed you...I still need you..."
Applejack blubbered and hiccupped. "I-I thought if I could get you money, so you could go to college...so you wouldn't end up like me...with no one...with nowhere to go..."
"Shhh...shhh...I'm so sorry..." Apple Bloom said, digging her hands into Applejack's back and pulling her close. "We relied on you too long. You were like our mama and when Granny died...we expected you to pick up the pieces for us. We didn't think about how much you was hurtin'...how much you needed us..."
Applejack let out a heart-wrenching sob. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Sugarcube...I never meant to hurt ya...I'm so, so sorry..."
Apple Bloom just continued to rub her back as they lay together on the bed, covering each other with tears and shaking with years of unanswered loneliness and confusion.