Dating Derpy

Chapters

Prologue
Friends Will Come Around
Ideas Galore, Plus...Muffins?!
Wrong Crush!
Second Attempts
The Final Straw

Prologue

My name is Fredrick Xavier Ian, but most people around this small and quiet neighborhood address me as Freddy or even Fred. I've lived in a small suburban house located on twelfth street in this town all my life. Ever since my father died of brain cancer and my mother got remarried and moved to New Jersey, I've been living in Westlake, the name of my hometown, for about 9 to 10 years. That's also how many years I haven't seen my best friend, Craig Junior Lucas. I had no idea where he was, but he must've been living in paradise. Where I live, the sun doesn't shine so much for me. Everyone knows everyone, but that's not the problem that discourages me.

The thing is: Westlake gets treated like an abandoned city. There's scattered trash everywhere, homeless people begging for money (mostly outside of banks and diners), and the unmistakable stench of secondhand smoke is always greeting you early in the mornings. Yet aside from all of those bleak disadvantages, there was only one person capable of making my day memorable: The mail woman. Yes, the mail woman. As far as I know, her name is Derpy Hooves, and she's been working in the mail career for quite some time. People say her eyes are disabled, but I think that makes her more unique than most people around here. Rumors say she also has a bit of trouble speaking, but I really don't care. Babies can't speak properly when they're first born, so what's the difference? Seriously!

The only problem is that, well...I'm severely shy! There, I said it. I've never met a woman like this before (Frankly, I've almost never met a woman at all, but I've seen them! I swear!), and I have troubles confessing my true feelings toward her. She seems to always be the first one stuffing letters (mostly bills) into my mailbox, and she always seems to take her time walking down the sidewalk to the next awaiting house's mailbox. She's probably a bit self-conscious when she caught me that one time when I was staring at her through my living room window. I know, a little stalker-ish, but she looked kinda pretty in her uniform. And not in a dirty way! Nevertheless, I always lay awake at night hoping that someday I'll get my chance and be her hero. I'll be by her side everyday, I'll take care of her, and I'll do anything she needed complete. But I can't get my hopes up too high, or else I'll end up with a crushed up heart. And nobody wants that in life.

So, the best thing I'd have to do is wait, be patient, and hope for a miracle...

Friends Will Come Around

Knock-knock-knock! I groaned and wiped my eyes to clear away the leftover drowsiness trying to seduce me back into Comfortable Sleep Ville. I wasn't expecting any visitors, but whoever was knocking was knocking impatiently and loudly. Sighing, I slumped out of my double bed, threw on a pair of slightly-ripped jeans and a hopefully clean T-shirt, and headed for the front door. I was expecting another poll person badgering me to answer another annoying question survey, so I prepared the words "Nope, sorry. I don't wanna take your stupid poll. Have a good day!" in my head. The door squeaked open and I was nearly blinded by sunlight.

"Oh my God...Craig?" I cried, making sure I wasn't dreaming.

"I'm surprised to see you too, man!" my best friend replied. I attacked him with a giant bear hug, and we immediately broke into a conversation asking simple questions like how you were doing and how their day was going and if they fully paid their bills. You know, stuff like that.

"I can't believe it's been, what, ten years, since we last saw each other!" Craig exclaimed. "It feels like just yesterday we were tackling each other in the sandbox." I laughed.

"You still remember that?" I questioned him. "I thought you'd forget! We were so rough back in preschool. That one time in the sandbox, Miss Kerk had to get five other teachers to pry us apart!" Craig laughed, too.

"I know!" he agreed. "Good times, and you did start it. But anyways, I didn't come over to stroll through Memory Lane. How are you doing, Freddy? I mean, it's been ten years! You must've changed or something."

My mind went wild as those words sunk into my skull. He had no idea how fast I had changed over the years. I felt really weird thinking about telling Craig about my small crush, but he was my best friend, and I couldn't lie to him. Right? So I told him everything. My crush issues, how I was too shy to confront Derpy, and how I was caught spying out the window at her last week or so. I took a deep breath when I was done. Something that sounds so little takes a had time to explain. Craig was silent for a moment, but then he cracked a small grin.

"Aww shoot! Freddy's got a little crush, huh?" he teased, which made my face burn. "Hey, don't give me that look! I'm happy for ya, dude!" I took those words in two as Craig patted me hard on the back.

"Don't be embarrassed. I remember my first crush: Kelsi Parvati. Man, what an annoying piece of—" I cleared my throat. While Craig could be a good friend, he cursed like a sailor when he was angry or not. My friend gave me a sheepish grin.

"My bad," he apologized. "I forgot the No Swearing Policy. But seriously Freddy? You've never said a word to this chic?" I nodded.

"Why bother?" I asked. "She probably thinks I'm a stalker from last time! You should've seen the way she jumped, Craig. Papers flying, neighbors running out of their houses to see what all the screaming was about..." I buried my face with my clammy hands. "What a nightmare!"

I heard Craig stuff back a laugh with a sound between a snort and a cough. Then he just lost it. He was laughing so hard I felt a drop of spit land in my left ear.

"I'm sorry, Freddy!" he cried when he stopped. "I can just picture it now!" Another set of laughs escaped Craig's mouth. I rolled my eyes. What a great friend.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," Craig apologized when he was done. "But anyway, I think I can help you win this woman's heart." My ears perked up.

"You think so?"

"Dude, I know so. She'll be fulfilling your every need after my help." I smiled. Craig was the best! What would I do without hi—

"But," Craig said suddenly, which made my face and my hopes fall, "I'll only be here for about two and a half weeks, so we'd better get crackin' on some romantic ideas." I nodded in agreement.

"Do you know what time she's delivering?" Craig asked. I shrugged.

"I'm guessing she only delivers when I have some mail," I replied, which needn't the words "I'm guessing." Hence the term mail woman.

"Well, I just got here, and I dunno what to do just yet," Craig announced. "I'm tired and—ooh! Gotta hit the bathroom!" Way to be helpful best friend.

I watched him walk-run out of the living room and towards the hall bathroom. I groaned and slid down on my two-seat couch. If I was ever gonna win my crush's heart, I had to think of something clever and romantic at the same time. Something that would knock Derpy off her feet, something world record breaking, something...marvelous! And you know what?

That's a lot of pressure for a guy my age!

Ideas Galore, Plus...Muffins?!

My pencil created a distracting rhythm on my desk while my brain pushed itself to think of what to write. After Craig had left to check into a nearby motel, I had decided to write myself a letter. Now before you think I'm crazy, think of this: My crush was a mail woman, and they deliver bills and letters and stuff like that. Luckily, I had found out she was working a double shift throughout the day, so I snagged this perfect opportunity to win Derpy's heart. I know this sounded crazy, but I had writer's block, which was preventing me from writing a crappy little letter. Sighing, I just let my pencil dance along my loose leaf paper and began sketching out a fake letter.

Dear Freddy,

Have you heard that a carnival is in town for me next weekend? I'm so excited, aren't you?! I know you don't live in California with me, but still! Anyways, how are you? I'd love to hear from you after so long, but oh! I gotta go! Michael Bay is waitin' for me to discuss a movie script!

XOXO

Katrina

Ugh. Corny, dangerously fake, and probably one of my worst fake letters in the history of fake letters, but hey! It was short, simple, and needed to be sent immediately. My name, address, zip code, and a George Washington Carver stamp were soon on the cream envelope in a matter of minutes, and in a matter of milliseconds the envelope was in the hands of the man behind the post office desk. I ran the entire way home and nearly murdered my poor two-seat couch when I dive-bombed on it. I was way too jittery to stand still after my letter had been delivered to the post office, which Derpy would deliver to my mailbox anytime soon.

Though by 1:15 P.M., my brain signaled my stomach which alerted me that I was beyond starving. I slid off my couch and shuffled into my small kitchen, yanking open my almost-broken refrigerator door. My eyes wandered over cartons of milk and yogurt, a Ziploc bag full of probably expired ham, and other small processed foods. I did a double take when I noticed a plate full of something wrapped in Saran Wrap. I tore through the plastic, and my face grew confused and disturbed.

"The heck?" I muttered. What were muffins doing in my fridge? I know some guys take an interest in baking, but I wasn't one of those men. I was more into sports and school subjects like literature, but muffins in my fridge? Oh well. At least I have some food, I thought happily, shoving a full muffin in my mouth.

"AH! Cold!" I spit the freezing pastry out on my hand, trying to rid the horrid, stale and numb taste. How long were those muffins in that fridge?!

"Jesus! Blech!" I settled the cold treats on a dusty windowsill below an open window. Hey, maybe the sun would warm my breakfast up. Better that than turning on my stove and making my entire house smoky and hot. I did grab a carton of strawberry-banana yogurt and settled on the couch with a sports magazine. I was falling into a deep sleep when I heard some Clank! I jumped up, magazine flying.

"Who's there?" I cried, still drowsy from my nap.

I looked around and noticed something odd. Where was that plate of muffins? Did some bird knock it over, or did a squirrel think those pastries were acorns? I crept toward the window and swallowed a scream about to rise out of my throat. Was this some hallucination from that yogurt? I didn't know if it was from that or actually happening, but crouching down on the grass scarfing down muffins was none other than Derpy! My plan worked!

I cleared my throat loudly, but Derpy continued eating. Dang, she loves muffins! I thought, impressed. If she were in an eating contest, she'd win first prize for sure. Hands down! I took a deep breath and worked up all the courage to speak.

"Um, hi," I said quietly.

Derpy slowly looked up, crumbs scattered all over her face. I smiled. The rumors were true; her eyes were cross-eyed, but her right eye seemed a bit normal. Speaking of her eyes, they were an amazing shade of yellow green. Or...was it just plain yellow? I dunno. I was also distracted by her white-blonde and ruffled hair, which was flung over her left shoulder neatly. My smile stretched even wider.

"H-hi," I sputtered, my face burning. "I'm Fredrick Ian, but people call me Freddy or Fred. You must be Derpy." I extended my hand out the window, but she didn't shake it. She bit it!

"OW! What was that for?" I cried in pain, protecting my poor fingers.

"That's for scaring me last week!" she answered, glaring at me. Her voice sounded a little deep and tomboyish, but it was still sweet. "I almost died!" I cracked a smile, despite my throbbing hand.

"Yeah, sorry," I muttered. "It's just that you looked pretty—" My eyes widened. "Uh...pretty...pretty impressive! Yeah! Shoving those bills in Mr. Jenson's mailbox!" I forced a laugh. Derpy looked at me blankly.

"Those were your bills, Mr. Fred," she replied flatly. I snorted.

"Oh yeah," I said nervously. "I guess my new last name is Jenson, huh?" Derpy smiled too.

"Sure. And thanks for the muffins, Fred!"

With a small wave, Derpy jogged down the sidewalk toward the next house. I sighed happily as I watched her jog away, then instantly slapped my forehead. That could've been my chance to tell her how I really felt! Why had I been so stupid and...quiet?! I probably wouldn't be sending a letter anytime soon (that was my last stamp. Shoot!), but Derpy seemed really friendly back there. Even if she chomped on my fingers and stole part of my breakfast. But I couldn't (and wouldn't) stay mad at her over that. Well, maybe for the fingers.

With a sigh, I headed back to my bedroom to ponder up more ideas to win my crush's heart.

Wrong Crush!

Would you believe me if I told you that a month had passed, and I still hadn't won Derpy's affection? Well believe it, for it is horrid, but true. Craig had already been flown back to Virginia (his hometown), and it seemed as if Westlake was slowly dragging itself as the wintery year came crawling out of nowhere. Snow was blanketing almost every roof, and to make it extra worse, I hardly saw Derpy delivering anymore! I kept convincing myself that she was taking a holiday off and had been temporarily replaced by some smelly old man, but I was starting to doubt myself. I was now making my glum way toward a closed toy store, instantly remembering a toy train set my parents had gotten me at age six. Smiling at that memory, I turned away from the snow stained window and nearly ran into a telephone booth. It was ringing fiercely and no one was around to answer it. I slyly slipped into the booth and removed the phone from its cradle.

"Hello? Fredrick speaking," I said carefully.

"Fredrick, is that you? Wow! I've been trying to call you forever! Can you believe a month has passed? You sound so freakin' different." I blinked in surprise at how many questions this person was throwing at me. How'd he know my name?

"Why so silent, man? It's me! Craig! Your best friend!" the person continued. My mouth shot open.

"Craig? You sound so different," I breathed. "I can't believe it's really you!"

"People change in a matter of time, Freddy," Craig replied, a smile in his voice. "Oh hey, how's Derpy doing, anyway? I mean, how'd you work up the courage to win her heart? You think you could send me a few notes? 'Cause I—"

"Craig, I...I didn't get to tell Derpy how I really feel about her," I interrupted. "I just couldn't." Craig groaned on the other end of the line.

"Dude, it's been a month and you're still nervous?" he cried.

"I know, but when I finally came up with a good idea, she stopped delivering," I explained. "I'm guessing they temporarily replaced her for the winter holidays, but I'm starting to doubt myself. What should I do?" There was silence.

"Craig?"

"I'm here, don't worry," Craig said exasperated. "Look, you're super lucky I'm taking a holiday from my job here. I saved a lot of money, so I'll be flying back to Westlake in three weeks. I'll see if I can get a sooner flight, okay?" I smiled.

"Thanks Craig," I replied happily. "What would I do without you?"

"Grow old, live with a bunch of cats, and die alone in a retirement home," Craig responded, which made me frown.

"Joking, joking," Craig quickly covered up. "You'd just be friendless and depressed 24/7. Now I gotta go. Don't wanna waste money on a phone bill instead of seeing you." Craig then hung up, and I placed the phone back on the hook and continued on with my walk.

Three weeks until I could see Craig? Even though he said he'd try to get a flight sooner, I knew it was tremendously my fault. If I hadn't waited a month, I could've had Derpy by now. I guess, no, I know that I deserve this torture. My feet stopped moving, so I canceled my walk and returned home to escape the freezing snow.

You'd think I'd be waiting a million years for Craig to show up, but miraculously he had kept his promise. In less than two weeks, I saw him rolling his suitcase toward a waiting me in the airport. Yet we didn't do the normal thing people do when they see their friends after a long time. Oh no. We got straight to business. First Craig took me to get a haircut and made me shave my first ever growing beard. We then went to a secondhand store and bought me some new clothes for my wardrobe. Once we reached my house, we kept role playing what I'd say to Derpy when I saw her. It was difficult and extremely disturbing, but I worked up enough courage and managed to say: "Derpy, I know you barely know me and all, but I've had a small crush on you when I first laid eyes on me. Wanna go out?"

By around six, Craig and I spent an enormously amount of time searching for Derpy. We checked the post office and asked if she had taken a holiday (yes, but they didn't know where she had gone); we checked various houses and asked for Derpy (only to be disappointed and not find her at all); and we checked the few public places, inside and out. No Derpy.

"Craig, we're never gonna find her," I complained as we leaned our backs against a brick wall.

"Yes we will. Think positive," Craig urged me, but I hardly heard him. All I wanted to do was go home, have a cup of coffee, and go to bed. My ears and nose were starting to get numb, and my hope meter was in the yellow zone. Even Craig looked like he was about to give up! Despite his encouragement he had given me, I could read his body language like a good novel. Just as I was about to head inside a nearby building to warm up, Craig nudged me in the shoulder.

"There she is!" he whispered excitedly. I shielded my eyes from the snow and almost screamed. Craig was right! Dressed in a snow coat, scarf, and mittens was none other than Derpy Hooves!

"Go on!" Craig badgered me. "Go!" He shoved me toward the freezing woman—who was now a foot away from us—and I nearly fell face-first. Ignoring that, I rushed up to Derpy, smiling.

"Hi Derpy," I said confidently. "Long time no see, huh?" Derpy rose her head.

"Oh, hi again Fred," she said.

"You can call me Freddy," I told her. "B-but that's not important! Listen Derpy, I have to tell you something." I cleared my throat.

"Have you ever wondered if a certain somebody would do anything for you? And he's not afraid anymore to tell you that he wants another chance to win your love. So what do you say?" I held my breath for a reply. Derpy was silent, then she slowly smiled.

"Will this person make me more muffins?" she asked hopefully. I laughed.

"He sure will!" I answered happily, holding my arms out for a hug.

"Then I accept!" Derpy cried, smiling widely now. I felt like I was practically glowing with delight. Finally, I had my Derpy now!

"Hugs?" I requested. Derpy nodded, but she didn't hug me. She ran right past me, nearly slipping on the icy sidewalk. I turned in her direction and saw her hugging Craig.

"Uh, Derpy? Wrong guy," I told her.

"No he's not!" Derpy insisted. "You told me this guy likes me! That's why I'm hugging him!" Craig looked at me for help.

"Yeah, I said 'somebody,' but I—"

"Come on, Mister Leather Jacket," Derpy was saying. Without warning, Derpy dragged my friend against his will toward a nearby diner. I stared after them in disbelief.

Well, my plan worked. For Craig! My feet felt like they were glued to the concrete. I willed them to work, but my brain was trying to process what had just happened. I felt like someone had kicked me in my stomach. Well, go after her! a voice urged me. I hardly took its advice. My feet had other plans. They began walking me back home, launching me deeper into the now beginning snow storm.

Second Attempts

"Freddy, I'm seriously sorry!" Craig apologized for the fourth time as I lay motionless on my bed, gazing up at the ceiling. "How was I supposed to know that would happen?"

I ignored him. I was trying to calm down and process what had just happened. That's a really hard thing to do at the same time.

"Freddy, you can't ignore me. We've been best friends for years," Craig continued. "I know you like a good menu."

"You mean like that menu at that diner?" I sneered.

"No, there was hardly a thing on it," Craig replied, rolling his eyes. "I mean, five bucks for a freakin' piece of chicken! The heck? Oh, and then it was three seventy-five for a salad, and don't even get me started on the—"

"Why are we even friends?" I interrupted furiously. "All you do is bring me down, Craig!" Craig punched me in the foot, and I nailed him in the face.

"Okay, if you're done assaulting me with you stinky feet," Craig joked, standing up, "then you might wanna take some good notes."

"What are you going on about now?"

"I'm gonna help you win Derpy back." My ears perked up.

"Stop messin' with me," I demanded.

"Dude, I swear I'll help you win this chic's heart! Honest!" Craig insisted, holding up a hand. I raised an eyebrow. I was still pretty mad, but holding a grudge wouldn't do anything.

"How many ideas do you have?" I questioned. Craig smiled at me slyly. This could only lead to very bad things...

"I feel retarded," I whispered as I tied the blue mask over my eyes. I adjusted it so I could see properly. "I'm probably gonna go to jail."

"Idiot, we're not robbing a bank!" Craig hissed, handing me a stick. "You're just gonna to be rough in front of Derpy." I rolled my eyes.

"And then I'm going to jail, huh?" I added. "Don't forget that." Craig opened his mouth to say something, but he stopped when I gave him my Don't Even Talk look. He quietly got of the prickly bush we were hiding in. Craig's plan was simply this: He was going to be having lunch with Derpy outside, but it would cut short when I jumped out and proved I was tougher than my friend. Hopefully that wouldn't backfire.

Three to fifteen minutes later, I could hear the unmistakable chatter of Craig and Derpy. I stretched my cramped legs and slowly crawled out of the bush. I sprang up and made my way toward the two, hitting the stick in my palm like a baseball bat.

"Ah, two love birds, huh?" I asked, making sure to disguise my voice. "Well, let's see if one of you is tough enough to face me!"

"Oh my God, he's got a stick!" Craig shouted, throwing his hands high in the air in surrender.

"That's right!" I said, smirking. "And I'm not afraid to use it on you, little man! I mean look at you! You're so skinny and weak!"

"Hey! Leave my Muffin Man alone!" Derpy suddenly screamed, standing up.

"Oh please! He's weak!" I repeated. "He can't take me!"

"Maybe not," Derpy continued, "but I do know a friend from New Jersey who taught me a thing or two."

I was about to say something when Derpy punched me in the face and kicked me onto the concrete. She then cannonballed my stomach with her elbow, and I felt like I just passed away. I did notice my right eye was puffy and swollen, my hand was throbbing like a cell phone on vibrate, and my stomach felt flat. I could tell Craig was shocked and entertained at the same time.

"Oh...crap..." he breathed. "That was insane!" Derpy smiled triumphantly and dragged Craig off somewhere else. I slammed my head on the crusted snow and groaned. Looks like my so called "plans" were going south big time. And I needed three ice packs.

"Anymore plans, genius?" I asked sarcastically as I planted an ice pack over my swollen left eye.

"How was I supposed to know she fought like that?" Craig argued. "If I had known, I wouldn't have given you that stick!" I glared at him with my one good eye. Yeah, because sticks mean 'danger' in this town, I thought angrily.

"But I have another plan!" Craig added. I sighed.

"Great. I'll get some money for the hospital I'll be checking into," I said, standing up only to feel a thrashing pain on my lower body. God, she cannonballed me good.

"Freddy, I swear this is my best idea yet, okay?" Craig persuaded. I was in too much pain to respond, so I just shrugged. It took several minutes for Craig to stand me up, but it took even longer to get me out the door without falling. My friend ended up carrying me on his back (he's stronger than he looks), and soon I found myself near one of the rundown banks in Westlake.

"Why are we here?" I asked, leaning against the chipped painted walls.

"Just wait," Craig replied as he whipped out a phone. He dialed a few numbers and, unbelievably, asked Derpy to meet him at the National Westlake Bank.

"You seriously got her phone number?" I snapped, crossing my arms.

"She insisted," Craig answered with a shrug. We waited seconds, then minutes, then excruciating hours. I nearly fell asleep when Craig nudged my shoulder.

"Here she comes," he hissed. "Here's the plan: I'm going to drop that empty paint bucket—" Craig pointed a finger toward a bucket and a ladder— "and drop the bucket on her head. You'll push her out of harm's way, be her hero, she'll love you, blah blah blah. Got it?"

"Yeah, but where'd that ladder and bucket come from?" I wondered.

"Some painter came to paint the roof and left his supplies to buy more paint. Oh, she's getting closer!"

Craig bolted for the ladder, snatched the bucket up, and clambered atop the wet roof. I could see Derpy walking a few feet away, and I also noticed that Craig was crawling on the roof watching Derpy's every move. I waited for the right moment, and when it came, I sprang into action. The bucket plummeted toward Derpy's head and, despite my bruises, I pushed her out of the way.

"Is something wrong with your head?" she screamed, standing up.

"No, I saved your life," I explained. "From a bucket!"

"What bucket?"

What did she meant "what bucket"? I turned around and my eyes widened. Where was the bucket...? I slowly looked toward the roof and saw Craig shrugging apologetically.

"Take Two!" he screamed, then ducked when Derpy looked his way.

"Creep," Derpy snapped in my direction, flicking me in the ear. She stomped away furiously. I was going to kill Craig today. I'd drown him, burn him, cut off his fingers...Anything! He still hadn't helped me win my crush's heart! All he had gotten me were bruises and a torn up heart. I was starting to think getting a second chance with Derpy wasn't gonna happen anytime soon.

The Final Straw

I watched as the afternoon sky slowly faded into night from an open window. A few crickets started chirping their oh-so-annoying sounds, and the bright fireflies began circling my almost dead daffodils. It would've been a glamorous night if I weren't trying to heal some bruises on my arms and try to function my blank brain. Craig, believe it or not, was occupied in my bathroom as he had poorly convinced me to unlock the front door and let him in. I gazed up toward the sky and made out a few constellations, but my mind kept confirming them as Derpy. I sighed and slammed my window shut.

"You're not still mad, are you?" I heard Craig question me. "Because that bad mood of yours isn't going to help with Plan C." I looked at my friend.

"Plan C?" I screamed. "Don't you mean Plan Fail? Because of you, I have gained nothing but injuries to my body, and still no Derpy! I might as well slit my wrists!"

"You won't need slit wrists for this plan," Craig explained. "It's very simple. I promise to God! All I need is some shampoo and a flame thrower." I blinked in disbelief. This fool needed shampoo and a flame thrower? I'd like to burn him with a flame thrower and blind him with shampoo!

"Craig, you've overstayed your welcome. Leave now!" I demanded, practically shoving him toward the front door. He dug his Converses into my shaggy carpet.

"But don't you need some more information with the plan?" he asked. "I know it'll work!"

"No it won't!" I declared. "It'll just cause me more pain! Now out!" I yanked open the door and jumped back. Who invited—

"Derpy, hey!" Craig cried, smiling. "I was wondering when you'd be over!" Craig tugged Derpy inside. I was still shocked by this.

"How'd you—why did you even...? What's...?" I sputtered.

"Are you going to be finishing those questions?" Derpy asked, raising an eyebrow. "I know some good endings for them." I looked at Craig in confusion.

"What's she doing here?" I finally managed to ask.

"Duh! I'm here to talk," Derpy answered for Craig. "Craig asked me to come over, so I did." I was still looking at Craig.

"Derpy," he began, "I believe Fredrick has something to tell you." Craig hadn't addressed me by my full name in a long while. If he did that, he was all serious.

"I do?" I said. Craig smacked me behind my head.

"Of course!" he stated. "Remember the role play," he whispered, stepping out of the way. That was months ago! I thought. How am I supposed to remember it?

"Uh...I'm waiting," Derpy said suddenly. "This is getting boring already."

"Okay, here goes," I told her. "Listen Derpy. You fell in love with the wrong guy. I'm the one who loves you. Craig thinks you're alright, but he doesn't have that deep of an affection for you. I haven't told you 'cause I'm shy, but not anymore. I'd do anything for you! Honest!"

Derpy was really silent, which really killed me inside. What was she going to say? Would she reject or accept? (Hey, that rhymed!) Finally, she gave me a small smile.

"What would you say if I told you I knew all along?" she asked. My eyes widened. Craig's mouth dropped.

"HUH?!" I cried. Derpy's smile grew bigger.

"I didn't know at first, but I figured it out when I bit your fingers a couple months ago," she replied. "They tasted like muffins."

"So you knew all this time that Freddy loved you?" Craig screamed.

"Well why didn't you tell me earlier?" I cried. "You could've saved me all this stress! And pain! And heartache!" Derpy nodded.

"I know, I know," she said. "But I had to test you first."

"Test me how?" I asked.

"Any guy who'd do anything for me is sweet," Derpy began, "and I wanted to make sure you were that guy Freddy! I've never had a boyfriend before, and I didn't think you'd be the right one—until now. Aren't I a good actress, though?" I was still confused, but I still glad she loved me as well. And yeah, she was a pretty good actress. I'd never be able to pull that whole scam off.

"Sooo...you and I are over, right?" Craig tried to clarify.

"I've got a new Muffin Man, so what's the point in dating you?" Derpy said, hugging my arm.

"Man, I need a lady!" Craig muttered under his breath, speed walking out the front door to get some air. I had to laugh.

"Oh, and Freddy?" I heard Derpy say. I looked down at her.

"Yes?"

"Just to be sure, you will make me muffins, right?" I laughed again.

"Of course," I answered, but not before giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.

I guess Craig did help me win Derpy's heart once and for all. While he did screw things up, he still encouraged me along the way and helped me escape the Shy Border that had prevented me from even saying a word to Derpy. I really owed him one. Thanks Craig (and muffins)! Because I finally—after a month—had my Derpy! And she was all mine!

THE END