Après moi, le birb déluge!

by JBukharin

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Griffons, Alternate Universe, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Equestria at War, Self Insert, Adventure, Sex, Seaponies
Length: 3576

Dear Diary, nothing had prepared me to be the most trustworthy supporter of Cute Napoleon Birb!

Set in the Equestria at War Mod!

1007. The Fin D'Hivre is around the corner, Aquileia still faces the woes of a Second Republican Revolution, and King Moriset Discret struggles to keep on top. It is in these circumstances that a Human ends up displaced in Griffonia and is found by the heiress to the Aquileian Throne, Princess Vivienne.

Between Napoleon Birbs, Merchant Queens, Ultra-Visionary seaponies, and potential world-ending dark witches, things such as world conquest and interspecies relationships should not surprise our man in the field.

(Contains: Human Self-Insert, World-conquering, historical references, ahistorical references, smart and dumb politics, Interspecies Smut (with some involving the MC), EaW Lore)

Cover Art: It's the OG flag of the Kingdom of Aquileia. I will never stress enough my support for Equestria at War, mod for the Grand Strategy RTS WW2 game Hearts of Iron 4. Lots of fun, lots of lore, lots of love and passion into the project. Truly one of the prettiest gems in the Steam Workshop.

Published 2023-09-02 19:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-09-07 14:56:59 UTC

1: Vivienne’s Bipedal Advisor

Chapter 1: Vivienne’s Bipedal Advisor

“Tell me more. Tell me more of this ‘Napoleon Bonaparte’.”

With a start like this, one can imagine how things can go many ways. The results are, however, quite close to one another. But I believe I can’t digress into the abstract for too long before it becomes too jarring and boring.

An introduction.

My name is John Bukharin, and I have been displaced. I don’t know who did this or why, I only know that one day I woke up in a ditch somewhere in the middle of nowhere (or the Littlebay Region of the Kingdom of Aquileia). I was confused, worried, and then hunted down by some creatures before being ultimately found by a few feathered bastards that roughed me up a fair bit.

Not the best way to be introduced to an entirely new world where humans do not exist but… then I was then brought at the mercy of their boss.

Or Princess.

Compared to the rest of the gruntish Griffons that manhandled me left and right, the company of Princess Vivienne Discret was something of an intellectual struggle.

At first glance, a sophisticated royal, the heiress to the Kingdom of Aquileia and somegriffon that was voracious of knowledge and power in her pursuit of her ultimate goal: imperial dominance.

Vivienne was ‘softer’ in appearance, her dark-brown plumage contrasted by her dull blond hair and her cerulean eyes. Like many other Griffons, she wore clothes, but those were not the pompous dresses one would expect for a ‘princessly’ entity to put on, but rather those someone with a keen eye on comfortable and yet regal outfits should have.

And as I was getting tended to by a doctor and she rested right by my bed with curious and childish eyes, I filled her mind with truths that showed her true colors. She really tried to appear as the ‘humble lady’, but I could tell at first glance. The vicious and ruthless crave for authority.

I couldn’t blame her. My stories of the rise of Napoleon Bonaparte, Julius Caesar and other major conquerors all pulling on her upbringing. Born in Saddle Arabia while the First Aquilean Revolution took over this pseudo-French Kingdom in a time of grand revolutions, Vivienne was then presented with an army of scholars and military officers to give her education when the Monarchists subverted the Aquilean Republic in 985, two years after her birth. As a child that was limited to ‘food for the mind’, she instantly took a love for it all.

To many, she was already chosen as the heiress regardless of the current King’s desires. King Moriset was, after all, barely accepted by the staunchest monarchist, his rule a joke to various extents as he ruled by proxy through the influence his family had over the kingdom.

Even now many had suggested Vivienne thoughts that she herself thought dangerous due to their allure and their potential traitorous connotation. I admitted she wasn’t wrong considering that would be the one thing Moriset would expect. We talked of politics, gone was the pretense of trying to understand me as a species and more as an individual.

She was perking up alright as her wings stiffened to a degree of delight and childish intrigue over my words. She listened just as much as she spoke, and I spoke as much as I listened back to her.

In the end, Vivienne had an offer to forward and one that promised me a job for the duration of my unplanned stay in this continent.

“Join me, mon ami. I want to see this world made great, and so do you. I know, I can tell, the urge and the desire. Let us bask into the lights of the future glory.”

The night went through the talks and the wines. It was cute to see how embarrassed she was to wake up with her head resting on my lap. Embarrassed and flustered, yet not truly ‘upsetted’ or outraged by such a development.

Instead, you could say that it defined a degree of ‘trust’ with us.

I was given a custom outfit as a proper ‘butler’ of hers, and pretty much helped her around most of the time. I had a small room for myself, a bit of a purse of Idols (the name of the Griffonian coins) and I bought myself the bare minimum to outlast the current situation I was in for at least a week, maybe two.

As the days passed by and I was fully well and chatting actively with Vivienne on plots to follow and not to follow, it became clear on why she was here and not in the capital as the princess should be: the Fin d’Hiver was a celebration which was meant to be held here in Béroux.

It was to drink wine as the Winter ended, and to a promising year of prosperity for the fields and affairs of all sorts. Most of the royals were there and security was top-notch due to the active presence of revolutionaries. I was also there and my role was simple: I had to keep two bottles of wine on me which were taken from Vivienne’s personal collection.

One was actually a cheap bottle, the other was actually a sweet quality one.

She was hand picking- claw picking them, and I wasn’t sure why. At first, at least. If they knew the drink was good or bad they didn’t say, either because of but I was slowly realizing that this was not aimed at the Griffons that she was ‘pranking’.

It was meant as a lesson for me to know who to trust and who to distrust. An interesting way to show who will be her ally in the long run and who may have a presumed allegiance to Republicans without saying or gesturing much.

By the end of the wine-offering, we were informed that a drunk merchant had gone on a rant where he committed Lèse-majesté by ‘crapping on the policies of the King and giving a toast to his head… to be separated as soon as possible’. He was apprehended and sent to be ‘handled’ as per the royal authority.

Vivienne and I shared a brief exchange in that regard.

“Such a shame that those people are unable to see that a Republic is only going to invite incompetence in the long run.”

“Truly, truly. Maybe you could try to appeal to some if you play your cards right.”

A hint of surprise appeared at that idea, and yet the curious glint I saw in her blue eyes mentioned one thing. She had a plan. A big plan. And, for a while, I was utterly lost on what it could be.

Our ‘return’ to Aquila was also a big thing for me as I found myself relocated to a bigger room and with a more active presence around Vivienne. In her own words, I was ‘too valuable to be approached by troublesome spies’. I wasn’t sure if she was ‘protecting me’ or just treating me as a ‘treasure’ to keep away from other claws.

But the job was good, Vivienne was a pleasant boss, and despite a bit of racism here and there for being a ‘Diamond Dog/Minotaur’, I would say things were fine for someone of my status.

And then, a few months after my arrival, Vivienne beamed at me as one of her big plans was soon to fully manifest.

“We are going to Vinonia!”

Translation: we are about to hunt down some Republicans in the Land of Wine!

Author's Note

AN

Next time will be Vivienne’s POV.

P.S. Also, this is going to be updated regularly. I think once each week should do. The difference between this one and 'Clearly (Not) a King' is the pacing and the extent of the project early on. This will not be rushed and it will actually be structured like some of my stories in AlternateHistory plus... Well, plus the smut here and there.

There are plans to also commission fanarts, so for any artist interested, you can make yourselves know if you are open and interested. I may not answer you immediately, but I will keep track and make sure to start commissioning once I have enough money through the Patreon.

2: Into the Lands of Wines (And Sodas)

Chapter 2: Into the Lands of Wines (And Sodas)

Maybe you could try to appeal to some if you play your cards right.

Vivienne felt that these words carried far more meaning than what John had initially predisposed those to have. Not because he didn’t understand, but because he didn’t have the ‘key detail’ that was required to make a sensible analysis of the situation.

The Kingdom of Aquileia didn’t hate those people that wanted reforms. No, a few decades ago those people were deemed saviors of the crown, blessed souls that put their claws and hooves up to serve the monarchy and its subjects.

King Gerad Moriset, her grandfather and creator of this realm as the Griffonian Empire was shredded by misunderstandings and crimes, had been quite open in an effort to improve the conditions of many.

The system of cadet branches sharing the small districts around the core areas of Aquileia was meant to introduce a degree of Federation in the realm, and Coltbert’s reforms, lauded by many as the revival of those ideas, failed to completely save the country.

The first Revolution tore apart the system and created a new one. Young, deregulated and quick to start purges of expected monarchists. And while Aquileia recovered after that bloodbath, the social key of the kingdom was poisoned. Change had come too fast and with a system that was ‘unnatural’ to many that didn’t want a republic.

Hence why the Monarchists had no trouble to then launch a coup and return the ‘ancien régime’ to Aquileia. Moriset was a compromise candidate, having been chosen because he had been the previous claimant of the throne and the one that was of proper age to rule since Vivienne had been too young to even know what a kingdom was.

To the staunchest supporters of her father, Moriset was the rightful king and the one that was going to keep the ‘rightful status quo’. But Vivienne didn’t even need to express interest in subverting this expectation as most monarchists knew Moriset didn’t stand to Gerad’s greatness, not even to his shadow.

Vivienne had educated herself out of fear of being labeled a bad ruler, and yet now she was being coaxed for what felt like an eventual coup.

The monarchists were up to change their ruler to someone far more convenient, but her voice prevailed among those of old lineage that wanted the change now. It wasn’t the right chance, not when a new Revolution could potentially unfold if national affairs weren’t handled accordingly.

This was the winning resolution, but not just because she, the proper successor, made it her stance. There was also Field Marshal Albert Berthelot, the ‘most powerful military officer in the kingdom’.

The ‘Strongman of Aquileia’, a title that was bestowed to him by many among supporters and haters for his service in restoring the Kingdom in a counter-revolution.

Albeit a militaristic griffin, the old Marshal was quite clever and aware that a new opportunity for ‘rebels’ to attack was about to come and that he ‘absolutely trusted the Future Queen’ in what she was doing.

This kind of support was rather helpful for Vivienne, the young griffin quite conscious that the monarchists were an odd bunch of those that genuinely supported their rulers and those that wanted to control them from the shadows.

With Berthelot’s support, it became imperative for her to take steps to avoid the fall of the kingdom due to her father’s incompetence. Starting by asserting control over one of the most relevant areas of the kingdom, the Duchy of Vinovia.

Duke Gadiffer Discret was her father’s cousin and had been a relatively good administrator ever since he took over from his father, yet he had never been much of an ‘improver’ as he would just prefer to party and enjoy the wonderful wine of this land rather than worry about other businesses. Such as the rich mineral deposits that had been found in the last two years.

With the expectation of expanding the national industry in the long run, Vivienne had set Vinovia as the first vassal realm to check. The economic relevance it had also wasn’t anything to scoff at. The various brands of wines produced in the local vineyard had turned Vinovia into one of the richest wine-related businesses in the entire world.

So, it was of utmost importance to see it secured from any potential revolutionaries. Plus, Vivienne liked Gadiffer far more than her uncle Denis and uncle Michel.

The former being a troublesome reactionary that hated anything reminding him of how he got his scars (thus reform and revolution-related terms), while Michel was the opposite, an absolutely idiotic idealist.

Both were wonderful administrators, but that didn’t mean that Vivienne was going to let them keep their fiefs with how treacherous they could turn once it was her time to ascend to the throne.

Gadiffer was the one that closely resembled her mindset in tackling issues. A soft-spoken advocate of moderation, Gadiffer listened to opportunities to improve his craft where it was really needed.

He was mostly an artist, and a wine-aficionado, but he still gave effort to keep his subjects safe and well-behaving through diplomacy rather than threats of strike-breaking or armed repression.

That’s how he managed to end the rebellion in Vinovia during the counter-revolution, and then avoid newer rebellions from happening in a scale as similar as it did in other sections of the realm.

So, as the train taking them to Vinovia reached its destination, Vivienne adopted a rather friendly approach towards her burly relative.

“If it isn’t little Vivi! How are you, my lovely niece~?” Gadiffer greeted strongly and yet with quite the joviality, hugging her and patting her back with a soft claw. “And you are Monsieur Bukharin, I presume. Mon Dieu, you are a tall fellow!”

The human that was her John bowed. “Indeed, sir. It’s an honor to make your acquaintance, Duke Gadiffer.”

“So polite and well-mannered! And here I was told you were a brute due to your appearance reminiscent of Minotaurs! Alas, my apologies for the presumption and… let me show you all my humble home!”

A boisterous bird, that much Vivienne could easily nod at. The tour was not as lengthy as she had braced herself for, but Gadiffer had clearly put a lot of attention to sell more about his quality, showing how Vinovia as a capital for the Duchy had indeed seen a major recovery after the ruins of the revolution.

Offers of wine were made through the path, but Vivienne just got a cup with John. The human clearly was far from a fan of alcohol, yet he was keen to drink some to appease the ruler of this fief.

Which is how Vivienne’s plan for her week-long stay started. With a mention of John’s preference for ‘Soda Drinks’.

“Soda? What would that be all about?” Gadiffer’s red eyes glowed in delight at a new venture. “Is it a brew of wine?”

“It’s actually akin to ‘sparkling water’ but with determined flavors that are created through some basic cooking compound,” John earnestly answered. “It is a kind of product that has found modest success in Aquila, but the producers, who now have been subsidized by my lady, have experienced some issues in finding the right opportunity to expand their business. They can’t produce much due to how extensive taxes are in Aquila and the princess assured that you would be interested in a potential deal.”

“A 70-30 profit deal with you being the one gaining the most from it, oncle Gadiffer,” Vivienne jumped in, presenting the papers she had prepared for this big deal. “Plus, you would have full access to expand within Vinovia for the company while I would retain this kind of sway primarily on the core territory of Aquileia.”

“What about the other districts? What if either of us seeks to expand elsewhere in the Kingdom?” Gadiffer raised a ‘good’ question.

Vivienne offered an amused smile at this. “Truly, oncle? Would you like for either Prydea, Rila or even Westkeep to be used as springboard for production?”

The burly bird smiled back at the joking tone.

“Non, non~. That wouldn’t do! Denis would be such a prude about it. And don’t let me start with Colonel Solide,” Gadiffer shuddered at that last name. “Michel, I could see him interested, but he is too… interested in other affairs no one in the family appreciates, I am sure.”

“We don’t,” Vivienne assured confidently. And with this first step into the door, the next big step unfolded once they arrived at the Duke’s manor.

From there, Vivienne exposed the main reason behind her visit, bringing up some plans that her father (or rather, those loyalists that were smart enough) had given to her: a railroad expansion connecting the various fiefs through a central station in Orvalillo.

Every lord/governor-general was meant to pay the fee for their land, but as Vivienne mentioned how this would expand the trade efficiency for Vinovia- Well, Gadiffer showed why he wasn’t a fool.

“Oh, my dear, I already know why your father seeks this expansion. Moriset needs a way to flung troops if needed and, truth be told, I can tell the revolutionaries are up to something.”

Vivienne frowned at this response. Specifically, the awareness that something was wrong. “Oncle?”

“Oh, it’s nothing truly worrisome, Vivi. It’s just that… Well, they are sending troublemakers. People that don’t wish to talk and want to break things. Luckily for me, I had… invested in security. So for now the situation is stable.”

But could worsen, that was what Gadiffer was not telling her. And while this sounded like the sort of thing she should continue, she perceived John’s quiet glance telling her to hold back.

Not much on the fact she didn’t know what was going on, but because the topic was clearly affecting Gadiffer’s mood in a way that made any further talk on the subject a bit tedious and too troublesome to gain any reward from it.

Vivienne conceded to just explaining the plan for the new railroad network. They managed to broker a convenient settlement for the price with the local construction price, so that wasn’t going to cost much to the crown or the Duke in that matter.

The rest of the day was spent mostly ‘appreciating’ the art that Gadiffer was patron of. It was a way to let his mood recover and regain a bit more positivity towards them through the first day there. They had six more days to help with any anti-revolutionary plot, but for now it was best to not push too much for it.

Instead, Vivienne was soon succumbing to a very interesting part of herself: the ‘player of hearts’. If there is something that she inherited from her father that she wasn’t truly ashamed about was her interest in being broad and open in relationships.

As a princess, she was expected to eventually have a husband and marry- or should have been like this before she started to show qualities that made her a strong monarch. Thus, she was given more freedom in handling that sort of business.

Vivienne was a promiscuous girl. She tried to justify it as just a ‘phase’, but she was just quite open around others, may those be male, female, or even non-griffin. For all she cared, her end goal meant that a polygamous situation was indeed the best option to secure a big enough dynasty to rule over all.

And while she respected John a lot as a fellow intellectual, she had one thing for him that he was clearly aware of as they went to their room. She had made it clear to her ‘oncle’ that they slept in the same room but on two separate beds but…

As he softly slept, Vivienne was cuddling over his chest.

Mon Dieu, he smells so… merveilleusement~!

Perhaps it was her perverted mind and body, or maybe the tempting feeling of trying intimacy with a human. The only human. Her human!

Vivienne wasn’t pressing too fast for it, but she couldn’t help but love being in his strong arms and resting on his chest. She felt so safe, and so tempted to just do more. But she couldn’t rush it. Not like this, not without purpose or reason.

Non, I have to ‘cook’ him some more~.

After all, time was on her side, the revolution was going to fail, and John was going to eventually lead to some…

Fun events~.

Author's Note

AN

And then, the next day, Vivienne was told that Emperor Grover V had kicked the bucket and now the entire continent is going to feel some shockwaves. Worry not, this is but just a bigger opportunity to exploit in the long run.

Once the kingdom is fully unified, a king will be ‘groomed’ for the role. Both for the people, and for the bed-fun.

P.S. I will add a map once the 'unification' of Aquileia is achieved.