Rebel Without a Clop

Sitting in his studio, Chancellor Neighsay nodded as his tech gave him a silent gesture. He was on the air! The aging unicorn smiled as he pictured the crowds who looked to him for guidance on the questions of modern stallionhood. The guidance he gave tonight would be carried over magical airwaves throughout Equestria, helping thousands to live happier, more independent lives.

Stay strong, brothers, he thought. Though mares incessantly demand our essence, No Nut will triumph!

Bringing his head down to his microphone, Neighsay began to address this unseen audience. “Welcome, Neighsayer Nation, to the Chancellor Neighsay Experience,” he began. “Tonight we bring you the dull music and boring news you need to make it through No Nut November. I’ll be reading the latest buckball scores, and taking your calls about distressing medical procedures.”

The unicorn cleared his throat and adopted his suavest radio voice. “But first, a word from Fetlock Frozen Peas, perfect for icing those swollen testicles. We know a remote farm in Trottingham, where Mrs. Sweetpod lives—how in Tartarus did you get in here?”

Neighsay had just stormed out of an intense debate with his sponsor about the frozen peas advertisement, and he was upset indeed to be interrupted in his recitation of its insipid copy. Yet he couldn’t help but stop short as he watched the chair on which he hosted guests turn about wildly, revealing a plump and mature earth pony mare who haphazardly balanced a set of headphones atop her perky ears. Yes, Pinkie Pie herself, Equestria’s worst mother and perhaps worst pony, had somehow infiltrated Neighsay’s studio!

“Heya, not clopping fans!” Pinkie roared into Neighsay’s microphone, sending his sound tech scrambling for the equalizer. “This dumb ol’ radio show is now sponsored by whacking off! Use promo code UNNNGH for 10% off your first cumshot!”

“Well, well, if it isn’t Pinkie Pie.” Chancellor Neighsay smiled thinly and gestured to have a second microphone placed before his surprise guest. “I’ve been demanding for months that Twilight Sparkle debate me, but you will do almost as well.”

“That’s me! Almost as good as Twilight!” Pinkie smiled cheerfully and offered Neighsay a naughty wink. “Of course, if ya like big teats, I’m way better than her — and who doesn’t love a huge set of bazonkahootahonkers?”

Chancellor Neighsay frowned and shifted uncomfortably behind his microphone. Ooh, there was that Pinkie Sense again, alerting Pinkie Pie to a cock that had started peeking out of his sheath. I knew it! Pinkie thought. Neighsay is just as horny as the rest of them! This’ll be easy!

With an awkward cough, Neighsay managed to ignore this provocation, regaining control of his smooth, deep voice. “Mrs. Pie, by your appearance here, I take it you object to the occurrence of Equestria’s current monthlong celebration of continence, commonly known as ‘No Nut November.’”

“You can say that again... but don’t! I almost fell asleep the first time you said it!” Pinkie leaned on an elbow and looked deeply into the unicorn stallion’s eyes, biting her lip as she did. The once considerable age gap between them had become nearly negligible as both ponies reached middle age. Neighsay was smart, accomplished, yet still fit and virile in his 50s... a girl could do worse than take a pounding from this uptight nerd!

“Ya know, Chancellor,” Pinkie whispered huskily, “I didn’t see it when you were being a huge jerk and trying to shut down Twilight’s school, but your voice is really sexy! Instead of griping about the temptations of us poor, hungry mares, you should try saying things that are more fun, like...” Pinkie made her voice a deep impression of Neighsay’s: “‘Naughty little fillies like you deserve to get spanked by daddy, live on the radio!’”

“‘Little filly?’” Neighsay spluttered. “What nonsense! Mrs. Pie, you’re a grown mare with a husband and a foal!”

“And my husband loves spanking his ‘naughty little filly!’ So why don’t you try it, huh? C’mon, give me one firm swat, right on my huge jiggly tushie!”

“Absurd!” Neighsay declared, even as he snorted for breath and his swelling boner stretched out beneath the table, desperately reaching out to the mare he loathed. “Kindly tend to your own sluttish business, Mrs. Pie, and stop interfering with the personal choices of others! Why are you so concerned with what stallions do, or don’t do, in the privacy of their own homes?”

“Cause I love fun, and cumming is fun with a capital FUN!” Pinkie smiled widely and suggestively caressed the microphone stand before her. “Whether you’re with somepony else or just beating that big ol’ stallion stick all by yourself, nothing’s better than pumping out a huge, yummy load, am I right? No Nut November? Why, that’s like No Cupcakes June, or No Hugs February!”

“A point of view that could only be held by one of limited mental facilities,” Neighsay snarled crudely. “Furthermore, by a pony who absolutely lacks even the concept of self control!”

Oooh, yeah, treat me rough, daddy... Pinkie thought. Debating this dumb-dumb was so much fun! The sexy pink star of endless nighttime fantasies pulled the microphone close to her muzzle and began to capture Neighsay’s audience with her seductive voice.

“Now, I want all you stallions out there to make a Pinkie Promise that you’ll rub one out every day of November, just for me!” she cheered. “I masturbate all the time thinking about you guys and your awesome shlongs, so it’s only fair!” Pinkie grinned happily, thinking about all the pent up stallions who were listening to her praise their dicks over the radio. Maybe she’d finally meet her goal of getting a million guys off at the same time!

“That’s right, boys, listen to my voice, and just teeease your dick out of its sheath. Get yourself nice and hard for me. It’s OK, Mama Pinkie knows what’s best, she just wants you to feel good.” In her mind’s eye, Pinkie pictured the most wonderful, splenderiffic dick there ever was (her husband’s, of course!) and spoke directly to it, pouring out all of the love she held for those stiff and veiny mare-masters!

Chancellor Neighsay stared at her, panting and gasping for breath like he’d just run a race against Rainbow Dash. "Oooh, your cock is so beautiful, baby," Pinkie cooed, imagining her husband’s mighty dong, yet smiling directly at the villainous mind behind No Nut November. "Don’t worry about the size or the shape, or do you cum too quick, or anything like that. Pinkie Pie loves your cock exactly as it is! But she’ll love it even more when you make it squirt that yummy stallion sauce!

“So stroke it... stroke it for me... stroke for Pinkie... Pinkie Pie is best pony... Oooh, is that a yummy little blob of pre on the tip? I’m just going to stick out my tongue and lick it up. It’s the least I can do for my stud.” Pinkie let out an exaggerated moan as she pictured the tongue tickling treats that Cheese Sandwich fed her from his constantly weeping flare. “Mmm, so delicious, I want a whole tummy full! Can you do that for me?”

From the sound booth Neighsay heard the muffled voice of his sound tech calling out “Yes, mommy!” He looked up with alarm to see the telltale shifting of hooves and magic behind the glass, proving that his assistant was now preoccupied with another type of “equipment.” Et tu, Mic Check? he thought. Even his trusted staff couldn’t resist this pink-trash trollop! He could only imagine what was happening in homes across Equestria, to all those stallions who’d trusted Neighsay to deaden their senses during this most dangerous of months!

Chancellor Neighsay frantically waved at his tech to stop pleasuring himself and cut Pinkie Pie’s mic, but the guy was so deep in her spell he just clopped harder! In desperation he turned again to his opponent and addressed her directly. “Mrs. Pie, please,” he urged, “control the utter filth pouring out of your mouth!”

“Nah, not doing that is way more fun!” Pinkie giggled and wiggled her fat plot in the chair across the table from Neighsay. “Guys, I’m pretty sure you can’t see me over the radio, but I’m totally naked right now! Hey, if you’ve got a copy of that big coffee table book about the Elements of Harmony, why don’t you open it up and find a picture of me to stroke to? You’ll want a hot visual to help focus the ol’ cum-laser!”

From her messy mane Pinkie pulled out a huge tome with Derpy’s picture on the front and turned through thousands of silly and wholesome memes, searching for the hard core "explicit" section. "Hrm, let’s see, page 2432031 has a good one, Cheese took that picture! Or maybe page 3163999... that’s me in my younger days, before the preggo weight, but I still had plenty of plot back then!

“Now, get a nice, firm grip and just stroke, stroke, stroke that beautiful cock for me. I want you to cum, baby. I’ve never wanted anything so bad as I want to hear you groan right now, and watch that yummy seed shooting out of you, right into my mouth!”

Despite his best efforts, Chancellor Neighsay found his own member fully unsheathed and growing stiffer by the second! Normally he had a stealthy and silent clop each Nightmare Night, to carry him through the coming dry spell, but this year he’d been so busy setting up the arrangements that he hadn’t had time! He grunted in a most unseemly way as his balls throbbed, already filled with a week of pent up cum!

“Oooh, what’s that I feel under the table?” Pinkie’s rear hooves reached out and touched the uptight unicorn’s cock, teasing it even further. “Is all that for me? Golly, Chancellor Neighsay, don’t tell me you want me to suck your dick for everypony to hear, on the radio!”

“You ruthless slattern... you shameless virago...”

“Mmm, keep talking dirty with those words that I don’t know what they mean!” Pinkie Pie pulled her microphone under the table, face to face now with the naughty unicorn’s huge, delicious looking endowment. “Alright, girls, this one’s for you!” she cheered. “Grab your stallion and follow along at home!”

Pinkie sniffed Neighsay’s cock, then lifted the heavy, shifting balls in a hoof. “Hrm, this is a very nice one, and I can confirm that Chancellor Neighsay hasn’t been clopping... these pinatas of his are practically bursting already! I think I’ll start by treating these bad boys to a nice, slow spit bath! Then I’ll follow up with the Tantabus Tongue Tickler Technique, and then... eh, I’ll probably just freestyle and gag on it til he squirts!”

“Mrs. Pie...” tears flowed down Neighsay’s muzzle even as his dick twitched helplessly. “Please, I beg of you...”

“Wait a minute!” Pinkie scratched her head with utter confusion. There was something in this guy’s voice... “It sounds like you don’t secretly want me to blow you!”

“Of course I don’t!” Neighsay snapped at the chubby earth pony beneath the table. “I’m the leader of the No Nut November movement! Why would I want you to humiliate me and ruin everything I’ve worked for?”

“Cause humiliation is your kink, duh!” Pinkie explained. “Why else would you make such a big deal out of not clopping? I don’t brag about all the times I didn’t throw a party! What’s up with that?” Pinkie popped up from under the table and snarled at the haughty unicorn. “I’ll tell you what’s up: you want the attention!”

Neighsay scoffed loudly. “That’s absurd!”

“Nah, it’s totally surd! You want horny mares to tease you without mercy all month long, so that you can brag to the other guys and say how macho you are! But then if you do cum, it’s our fault for tempting you!” Pinkie facehoofed with exasperation. “Geeze, I can’t believe you guys! It’s all a big circle jerk, but without any of the jerking!”

“How dare you, Mrs. Pie!” Neighsay stamped a hoof onto his table. “No Nut November is a sacred test of masculine will power, not one of your perverted games!”

Pinkie shook her head firmly. “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining — pee on my leg cause you’re into watersports! I’ve been in the sex party business for almost 20 years, and I know when a guy wants to be teased! And you want it, Chancellor.”

“Even though I created a monthlong event around the idea that I don’t?”

“Well, yeah! What a great way to publicly commit to total humiliation once you inevitably lose to my super duper mouth!” Pinkie Pie ran her obscenely long tongue over her wet, moist lips as Chancellor Neighsay gulped nervously.

“I know this is what you crave, Chancellor,” Pinkie insisted. “I mean, what kind of awful pony would I be if I pushed a stallion into sexual situations without making sure he... Uh-oh!” Pinkie slapped a hoof over her mouth as she realized she had done exactly that with her young son!

“Mrs. Pie?” Across the table of debate, Chancellor Neighsay raised an eyebrow sardonically.

“Erm... I’ve got to get back to Ponyville, pronto! I’ve made a huge mistake! A massive, throbbing, 15 inch mistake!” Pinkie turned and shamefacedly tiphoofed towards the studio door.

Chancellor Neighsay chuckled. “Does that mean you’re conceding in our debate?”

“No way, bozo!” Pinkie yelled. Her competitive spirit was rekindled in an instant. She dashed back to Neighsay’s phallic microphone and pulled it close, prepared to make love to it with her gentle words. “Uhhh... just whack it til ya cum, guys!” she shrugged. “You already know how to clop! Pinkie Pie loves your dongs and she wants to see them squirt! Not cumming is dumb, bye-bye!”

The bouncing pink blur known as Pinkie Pie streaked through Canterlot at light speed and leapt on board the Friendship Express just as it departed for Ponyville. She tossed a bit to the highly confused conductor and settled into a familiar seat that still held the scent of her own cum. Sadly, no cute pegasus playmate could be found sitting next to Pinkie this time. In fact, this train car was entirely empty... perhaps due to the horny stench that still filled the cabin, a sweaty reek that could only come from hours of mare-on-mare sex!

It seemed there would be nopony to have sexy fun with on this trip back. Nothing to do but fantasize as the long hours between Canterlot and Ponyville slipped away... Or was there? Pinkie Pie began sniffing the air as her seemingly supernatural Pinkie Sense alerted her to a new and most unusual presence.

“Oh, hey there,” she whispered, speaking just to you!

“No, don’t stop! Keep playing with yourself, ya weird alien cutie.”

The sexy party pony smiled wide and nodded enthusiastically as you sheepishly obeyed, unsure of how Pinkie even knew of your presence, let alone how you’d been “entertaining” yourself as you read about her horny quest.

“I don’t know either,” she shrugged, “this has never happened before! It must be a No Nut November miracle! Ooh, but wouldn’t it be so embarrassing if you lost right now, stroking it to a cartoon pony who was breaking the fourth wall? How would you explain that to all your internet friends?”

Pinkie Pie giggled as she began to truly sink herself into the role of your sweet and bubbly mommy-domme. "Oooh, I love that thing you’re playing with!" she squealed. "Do all humans look like that? It’s so cool, and I love the way you’re treating it. You two must be really good friends! You could go a little faster, though. Just a fun suggestion from your friendly neighbourhood Pinkie Pie!

“I can’t believe I turn you on — we’re so different! But you’re pretty hot too, I must admit. What does it for ya, anyways? Is it the descriptions of my big, round plot?” Pinkie scooted in her seat and presented her tushie for you as she spoke. Capped with perfect cutie marks, those immense soft curves gleamed in the Equestrian sun, reflected through the windows of the clattering train. It was a sight you never thought you’d see in person, and definitely one you’d never forget!

“Maybe you like imagining you’re the one who gets to fuck me and my friends... or maybe you just like watching me be a total casual slut! For me personally, I love all the filthy dialogue and dirty talk I get to say in these clopfics!”

Pinkie pouted briefly, then smiled again. “Aww, am I desecrating your childhood? Don’t worry about a thing, sweetie. The innocent, fun loving Pinkie Pie you remember is still out there, having all her E rated adventures... but now you can also have fun with naughty, dirty, kinky Pinkie! Whenever you want I’ll be here, ready for you and happy to help you cum — November or any other month!”

“Now we’ve got a long train ride ahead, so we’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other, just the two of us. But before we get started, I want you to do Mama Pinkie a favour and hit that 👍 button at the top of the story. Huh? Hey, wait, don’t end the chapter, I’m just getting—”