Dear Firehearth
It has come to my attention that through your degeneracy, you have harmed many Ponies, but most importantly the submissive yet breedable changeling named Trex Von Vyrax.
For your crimes you are hereby sentenced to pay a fine of 2 bits or pay with your blood by fighting the Condemned one known as Miraak.
Signed - Celestia
Firehearth sat in the Canterlot dungeon, which looked awfully like one of those nordic crypts you find in Skyrim, he was re-evaluating his life choices because he chose to pay with his blood, mainly because he spent all of his Patreon donations on funny horse art.
"It is time for thee to choose one of two Weapons" Luna said as she entered the nordic crypt known as Canterlot dungeon, she presented him with a metal spoon attached to a leather belt and golden uno reverse card tied to a crusty loaf of bread, "we apologise for the choice of weaponry as our budget has been cut..." Luna apologised sincerely.
Princess luna attempted to open the cell door, but it didn't open but fell of it's hinges, "Luna stood there flabbergasted, "We... Did not expect that... To happen... We shall report this to the maintenance crew" she said, Firehearth now had the very difficult choice of choosing the weapon, and chose carefully he did not.
"Did thee... Seriously choose the uno card tied to the crusty loaf of bread, fine... Suit thyself... The battle of the century begins at noon!" Luna exclaimed, Firehearth tried to get some rest after Luna left, after all he has never heard of this Miraak fellow before so he did not know what was in store for him.
He opened his eyes to see that he was in the Keep of Kaer Morhen, Firehearth did not know what the actual fuck was going on he just heard a very peaceful song playing from nowhere, this made his brain confused, so he decided that he would wake up from the weird fever dream.
The cell was still dark as the sun didn't rise yet, so he decided that he would meditate to achieve CHIM in the time being, he lost track of time as two guards entered the cell and saw the cell door on the floor.
"What... Happened to the door?" one of the guards asked looking as confused as the other royal guard, "It couldn't handle my love for Trex Von Vyrax" Firehearth said, the guards just stared at him with blank expressions on their faces, he could feel them staring into his soul, he stood up and grabbed the crusty bread which had a golden uno card strapped to it.
"Ready? Okay lets go" the guards forced him out of his cell and led him towards the Canterlot arena, once in the arena Firehearth saw the Fuggiest dragon he has ever laid eyes on, he couldn't believe that they summoned that thing.
"Sahrotaar Gol Het!" Miraak said to the dragon while he flew into the arena pointing towards the centre. The dragon landed, well... Rather crashed into the sand and fucking died upon impact, "You're fucking useless Sahrotaar" Miraak said to the dragon corpse while absorbing it's soul.
At least Firehearth didn't have to stare at whatever that excuse of a dragon was, both Firehearth and Miraak stared at Celestia and Luna but Miraak broke the silence, "You two fucks up there owe me a new fucking dragon!" he exclaimed at the two princesses, they stood there taken aback by the Dragonborn.
"We are not giving thy another special needs dragon" Luna said to Miraak, "fuck you Imma do this my own way!" He screamed at the princesses while grabbing a microphone of the lowest quality, and started dropping the sickest beat known to Man and Equine.
"You are a dragonslayer, but I'm a pussy slayer, She can await my arrival, I'm gonna save her for later
Your Thu'um is weak, plus you's a bitch, Any time of the week I will clap your cheeks, he sat there with his arms crossed like a 1990s rapper.
Firehearth just stared at Miraak, then lobbed the bread at Miraak which fucking exploded upon impact and caused a Rift in space and time, "Ah fuck..." he said as he ran away as the fabric of reality shattered infront of his eyes,
"WHAT THE ACTUAL BUCK HAPPENED IT WAS A LOAF OF BREAD WITH A UNO CARD ON IT" Luna screamed as her and her sister attempted to stabilize the rift.
when as he ran he saw Leshen attacking the city of Canterlot, "HOW THE FUCK... DID THESE... GET HERE" Firehearth shouted as he ran away, he needed to hide, and he needed to hide far from here, and for a long time.
"FIREHEARTH... FINISH WHAT YOU'VE STARTED" Firehearth heard Miraak from behind him, he turned around slowly and got backed off into a cave.
he used his earth pony power to summon a springlock suit, "Are you truly that stupid Firehearth?" Miraak said to him, Firehearth thought, "Hmmmmm probably not a great idea" Firehearth suddenly became British and pulled the Blade of Olympus right outta his ass, "U wot mate? Ya wanna know wot its like walking through London innit? Firehearth said a British accent.
Miraak screamed because his biggest fear was... British people, Miraak ran to hide in one of the corners of the cave while yelling "I yield, I yield" like the absolute NPC that he is, Firehearth decided to spare Miraak, "Fool... Until we meet again Bozo!" Miraak screamed as he started reading the black book and got pulled into Apocrypha.
Firehearth just stood there, he didn't know what he would do now, he turned towards the exit of the cave and started to leave the cave.
His voice returned to normal once he was on the surface once again, he watched the sun sunset as he looked back over today, then he remembered, "Oh shit, I have to record a TCP reading today" he said.
Author's Note
