The Daily Woes of Reformed Archdemons

by J3sterking

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2599

Luna has to put up with several unfortunate rumors regarding her past.

Luna thought it was going to be just an ordinary day, and it started as such. But, alas, when you order an unconventional breakfast, you'd better expect an unconventional response.
And Luna would have to put up with twelve hours of this.

Content warning for mentions of cannibalism. Other than that, though, nothing, really.
Written for the most recent prompt for Bean's Writing Group.

Published 2023-09-08 21:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-09-08 21:20:00 UTC

Pleased to Eat You

Princess Luna sat at the table in the breakfast hall, unrolling a newspaper as she settled in her seat.

"How goes the welfare of our subjects?" Celestia asked, having long since gotten over Luna's obsession with the newspapers.

"Well, if the media is to be believed," Luna answered. "Though I am curious to see if this 'democracy' thing takes off in Manehattan."

"I think Ponyville demonstrates that it works just fine in lower levels of government," Celestia said simply.

"There are a lots of things that work fine, but ponies simply don't do," Luna retorted.

"Princesses," a shy, timid voice spoke up. Luna looked up from her paper to see one of the castle's assistant chefs in the middle of a clumsy bow.

"Ah, you're the new assistant?" Celestia smiled patiently. "No need to be so worried. Is Ramsay ready in the kitchens?"

"Y-Yes, your highness," the assistant said, bowing again.

"I see. I shall have a green tea, with a fruit salad, and an éclair."

Luna tsked. "Pastries, for breakfast again? You'd best be prepared for sugar crashes all day long, sister."

Celestia scoffed. "It's not even half as strange as your own breakfast, sister."

"Ramsay knows what I'll have," Luna said simply, flipping the paper back up in front of her face.

"Just tell him Luna's having her usual. He's well aware of her peculiar tastes."

"Is that how you choose to describe it now?" Luna muttered. "I seem to remember you using barbaric and degenerate to describe my palate."

"I said others would say such things," Celestia said. "Personally, whatever you choose to eat is your choice."

"She says to justify eclairs as a breakfast dish," Luna snorted. She looked up from her paper, seeing the slack-jawed maid staring at them. "Is something the matter?"

"No!" she yelped, then took off at a gallop.

"What was that about?" Luna asked, turning the page in the newspaper.

"Probably just nerves, the poor thing," Celestia said, shaking her head. "It's like this any time we hire a new cook. Pay it no mind, just...be gentle with her."

"Hmm...how are the preparations for Cadenza's and Shining's wedding coming along?"

"Well enough, though I wish you'd use 'Cadance' like everypony else does. 'Cadenza' is a form that hasn't been used in centuries."

"She liked it enough to start calling herself that," Luna replied.

Celestia blinked. "Really?"

"Mm-hm. 'Mi Amore Cadenza'. She's grown quite fond of it, though I fear the stress of the preparations is getting to her."

"With all luck, her good spirits will be restored once the wedding is done, and we clear out the rest of the...issues...we're having."

"You shouldn't have let a Changeling delegation into the city," Luna said. "I told you. They do this every time."

"I know, but it'd be wrong not to give them a chance," Celestia said.

"Indeed, but 'giving them a chance' doesn't mean 'be stupid'. There were any number of decisions that could have mitigated damage they could do whilst still 'giving them a chance'."

"I suppose you're right, and I shall keep that in mind for next time," Celestia murmured, hoof to her chin in thought. "We at least rescued all the cocooned officials without any further problems."

"Th-the breakfast is here," the maid stammered, wheeling a tray in. She passed along Celestia's tea, salad, and desert, as well as a bowl of sugar cubes.

"Thank you, you are doing wonderfully," Celestia said with an encouraging smile.

Luna couldn't manage that in the evenings, when she was well rested. But she did give a wide grin at the sight of her own plate being put on the table in front of her. "A thousand thanks, my fair subject," Luna said.

Luna's breakfast was a large, grilled hayburger, or colloquially known as a 'steamed hay', if the one castle servant was to be believed.

"Ah, yes, the 'forbidden fruit' of breakfasts," Celestia chuckled.

"...Does it make it better if it's dinner?"

"Only if you desire to argue semantics," Celestia challenged.

"Thou shouldst know not to argue semantics with me," Luna challenged back, flashing her sister a confident grin. She punctuated this by taking a large bite of her burger.

Stars above, but was she always struck by how good of a burger Ramsay could make. Everything, from the savory flavor, to the crisp, yet flaky, bread, and the hay...quality stuff.

"Sister, you have—a little something on your muzzle," Celestia said quietly.

Luna opened her eyes, surveying the splatter of red on her muzzle. "Oops," she muttered. "Where are napkins?"

"Here," Celestia said, passing over the box.

"My thanks. Tis always much gooier than one would expect."

The maid let out a shriek.

Celestia and Luna froze, the former with her tea halfway to her lips, and the latter wiping food from her muzzle.

"It's true! You—you really do eat fillies!" the maid screamed.

Celestia spit out her tea in a stream. "WHAT?" she demanded.

The maid's eyes were full of tears, as she sobbed. "Oh my stars—bloody Tartarus! I served you—I--" She let loose a wail, falling down and collapsing into a sobbing heap.

"What is she going on about?" Celestia demanded, looking to Luna for an explanation.

Luna sighed, levitating her burger into the air. "This will take but a moment," she said. She hopped over the table, aiding her jump with a flap of her wings, before landing in front of the maid. "Look at me," Luna commanded.

The maid uncovered her eyes. Her pupils were little more than dots, as she stared up at Luna with fearful eyes.

Luna hovered the burger in front of her, then disassembled it with her magic. "Does this or does this not look like a normal hayburger?" she demanded. "Dost thou see bits of flesh or fur in mine food?"

"N-no...?"

"Then cease thine shrieking! Tis a normal hayburger and a plate of fries! Their is nothing out of the ordinary about this!"

"But...a hayburger...for breakfast...?"

"I eat a burger for breakfast and suddenly I am a cannibal?" Luna bellowed. "Dost thou hear thyself? For the last time, I do not eat naughty fillies!"

The maid gulped, then nodded. "I-I'm sorry, I--"

"Tis no worry. It's simply an unfortunately common misconception." She nodded to the nearest guards. "Make sure she gets a good rest, and is ready to serve by dinnertime."

"Ready...to...serve...?" The maid blinked, then her eyes shrank to nothing once more, and her face paled. Then she fainted.

"...For buck's sake," Luna muttered, slamming her hoof into her face. "Okay, carry her to her room, then." She leapt across the room, back into her chair, then took a ferocious bite out of her burger.

There was a long silence between the two sisters as the guards picked up the unconscious maid and carried her from the room.

"To be fair," Celestia said, "I did warn you that some would call your breakfast 'degenerate'."

Luna took a deep breath, then let it out. "Acknowledged," she muttered.

It took her a while to get sleep after that, but even so, a loud hammering upon her door woke her. She blinked awake, checking the clock by the bed.

One. Thirty.

With a growl that would have done credit to the lycanthropes of old, Luna bolted from bed, slamming the door open. "Is Canterlot under attack?" she demanded.

Cadenza blinked in surprise, caught off guard and forgetting whatever she'd been about to say. "Um, no, why...why would it be?"

"Then pray tell me, why thou seekest to remove mine door from its frame," Luna demanded, "at this hour when I shouldst be deep in sleep."

"Explain to me why I'm supposed to be doing wedding preparations, when instead ponies are demanding I go talk to my aunt about threatening to eat one of the serving maids."

"I did not!" Luna burst out. "'Twas a misunderstanding, Cadenza. She was concerned that I ate a filly for breakfast—I did not, twas a hayburger—"

"Stop, stop, stop--" Cadenza held up one hoof. "A hayburger...for breakfast."

"Yes. Is something amiss, Mi Amore?"

Cadenza opened her mouth, then closed it again. "Whatever. Point is, whatever you said that made ponies think you threatened to eat the maid--"

"I told the guards to make sure she rested and was ready to serve by dinnertime!"

Cadenza stared at her. "Luna, words matter," she said finally. "A single wrong word can make all the difference."

"I'll keep such in mind," Luna said dryly. "Now, if you don't mind, I desire to claim what little rest I can before nightfall."

"Alright, rest well."

Luna slammed the door in her face, then let out a sigh. If Cadenza was still up and about come evening, she'd make sure to apologize, but for now, she crawled back into her bed.

Honestly...even Cadenza was falling prey to these rumors! She absolutely should have known better than to believe them. They were friends! Luna loved her niece, but sometimes, Cadenza could be really stupid.

Luna shoved all those thoughts aside, focusing on meditating. Before too long, she was asleep once more.

As she watched the sun sink, Luna took a long, slow sip of her coffee, then pulled the newspaper from that morning closer.

Several thestrals flitted about, either taking up the night watch or running various errands.

"'Ey, Princess," one of them said, landing on the balcony railing besides Luna. Sky Watch, if Luna remembered her name?

"Yes? Is something amiss?"

"Not especially. I get up earlier than the others, so I just heard about the, uh, kerfluffle this mornin'," Sky said, clearly choosing her words carefully, which was something she never, ever did.

Luna let out a breath through gritted teeth. "And?"

"A hayburger for breakfast? Y'know how mad that sounds, eh, Princess?"

Luna jumped to her hooves, wings flaring to the sides. "Even if there is something strange about it, what is it to thee? Why dost everypony care so much about my palate?"

"I'm just trying to look out for yer health, Princess," Sky said, wings fluttering nervously. "You should probably make an effort to avoid saturated fats like--"

The front of Sky's armor glowed blue, and she let out a, "Snrrk!" sound as she was tugged closer, her face less than an inch from Luna's, muzzle to muzzle. "For the last time, there is nothing strange about eating a hayburger for breakfast."

They sat like that for a moment, before the fluttering of wings caught Luna's attention.

Another thestral flew in, hovering over the railing while holding some papers in his hooves. "So, I got the reports from Filidelphia--" He paused, staring at Sky and Luna. His face turned a bright scarlet, and he hurriedly deposited the papers on the edge of the balcony. "I saw nothing, Your Highness!" he shouted, hurriedly flying away.

There was another moment's silence, which Sky chose to break.

"So, just in case any of that was my fault, I'm gonna go ahead and say sorry," she said.

"Just go," Luna sighed, releasing her armor. Sky flew off, and Luna set about her duties for the evening, intent on forgetting about all of this.

Unfortunately, that was not to be.

"I am the Pony of Shadows! I am the essence of Nightmare Moon's evil! I am here to feast on your flesh! Nya ha ha ha ha!"

Luna sighed, stepping into the dream and in front of the spectre.

"What? Who art thou to--"

She blasted it with magic, letting it disintegrate into dust—which was completely unrealistic, as it didn't have a physical form in the first place.

Luna turned to the maid from that morning. "Art thou so afraid of the ghost of a living pony?" she asked.

The maid awkwardly ran a hoof through her main, still on the ground where she'd been cowering from the 'ghost'.

"You have nothing to fear from me, miss," Luna said. "Please keep that in mind."

"O-okay. Um, thanks for the help, Princess."

"Tis just my duty."

Luna exited the dream, hovering in the void of the dream realm, then slammed one hoof into her face and groaned. "That makes three this night," she muttered.

A distant scream roused her attention. "I'm guessing four?" she told herself.

With a burst of willpower, she entered another dream, watching the young cow from Ponyville—Pipsqueak?--run from, surprise, surprise, Nightmare Moon.

"Princess Luna, help!" Pipsqueak screamed, running past her.

"I'll feast on your—oof!"

Luna's wings slammed into Nightmare Moon, and she simply shoved the product of a frightened child's mind back. "I had thought we were well and truly past this, Pipsqueak," Luna said.

"Oh, I'm not afraid of you!" Pipsqueak said. "I'm afraid of Nightmare Moon!"

"I am Nightmare Moon!"

"But not the Pony of Shadows!"

Luna sighed. "So you've heard that one?"

"Just today! It's terrifying! All that evil magic out there wants to--"

"That's not how that works!" Luna shouted. "Magic doesn't just 'stick around'! And we're talking about the Elements of Harmony here! Why would they just...leave that much dark magic? And finally..." She tapped a hoof against Pipsqueak's chest. "Why in the pits of Tartarus would it want to gobble you up? It's magic. It wouldn't need to eat."

"...Oh. Thanks, Princess Luna, I feel a lot better now!"

Luna sighed, then left the dream once more. Just in time for another nightmare to catch her attention.

She paused outside the dream. Pink chains bound up the entrance, with a large, heart-shaped lock on the front.

Luna stared at it for almost thirty seconds, before leaving to handle something else. Not only were Cadenza's 'nightmares' normally not nightmares, they were often...

She repressed the memories of her few attempts at entering the young Alicorn's dreams. She had quite enough to deal with this evening.

Luna sat down at the breakfast table in a rage, jerking this morning's papers towards herself.

Celestia sat down at her customary spot. "I set up some meetings to discuss all these horrible rumors going on about you, Luna. I should have it all sorted out by the day's end."

Luna let out a breath. "My thanks, Tia."

"I'm...so sorry. I didn't realize you were dealing with all this...do you resent me?"

"Not at all. It's more my fault than yours."

"I mean...for the arranged marriage...back before you were banished."

Luna blinked in surprise. "No, twas a political necessity, and he was quite charming. What brings this up now, of all times?"

"I mean...I just never realized you were into mares..."

Luna blinked, thinking back to her moment with Sky. Then, she took off her crown, and began polishing it with the nearest rag.

"L-Luna? Is everything--"

Luna dropped the crown in front of Celestia. "I quit," she announced, before teleporting out of the castle.

Author's Note

A short comedy fic for Bean's Writing Group. I did vaguely go for the bonus("include a ghost") but I wouldn't go for any prizes there.

There was a couple things going on with this one--the main plot was Luna struggling to deal with the rumors, but there was also some funny moments with "Mi Amore Cadenza" in the background, and I also took the moment to introduce a thestral OC of mine--Sky Watch, who will show up in some of my other works.

That said, while it will be a while before I publish anything big(I won't bore you with the details here, look at my blog if you're curious), I hope you all enjoyed this one, and I'll see you in the next one!