Discord's Beard

by Ladybug Minster

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Discord, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 4872

Being stuck in stone for a long time has it's side effects.

Free from his long imprisonment, Discord sets out to make Equestria more comfortable to himself. Only something seems amiss.........

Published 2012-10-08 09:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-08 09:20:02 UTC

A Beard Gone Haywire

***

"Hey, Snips! Only one hoof!" Snails exclaimed as he stood on an open palm of a large gryphon statue at Canterlot's hedge maze garden with nothing but one leg to suspend himself. It looked daring which amused his friend who himself was observing the stunt from the statue's shoulder.

"Awesome, Snails! Do a backflip!" Snips applauded at the other colt.

Snails brought himself back to all four hooves and made a leap upwards. His backflip was a successful attempt but when he came back down on the statue's hand he lost control of his backward momentum and stumbled dangerously at the edge. The colt regained his balance, preventing himself from falling off.

"Whew, that was a close one," Snips uttered with a deep breath.

"Snips! Snails! What in heaven's sake are you doing up there?!" a female voice barked below without an ounce of happiness. Both colts swallowed loudly and glanced below to see their teacher standing beside the base of the statue with some other students. Cheerilee frowned, her eyes piercing the two young ponies with their gaze. "Get down here right now before somepony gets hurt!" she added with a sharp intonation.

"Oh.......okay, teacher," Snips and Snails complied ashamedly and began to climb down the gryphon's conveniently arched back that they had used as a platform.

"You two can't be let out of sight for one moment without causing trouble," Cheerilee continued to bark as the colts got back on solid ground, "I will have a word with the parent's of both of you after we are back in Ponyville."

"Y-y-yes, teacher," the colts complied with hanging faces as the rest of the class chuckled at them.

Among the group stood three badly battered fillies who themselves were only half-smiling.

"At least we ain't gonna be the only ones to be grounded after school," Applebloom sighed.

"I feel bad for punching you like that," Scootaloo explained with an equally deep breath and stared at her friend's black eye. "I'm sorry."

"Ya don't have to apologize, Scoots," Applebloom soothed, "Ah don't know what exactly went into me either."

"I think we all lost our minds momentarily," Sweetie Belle added her own two bits to the conversation, still fixing her tangled mane using a small mirror, "We were already arguing before but I think there was something about that dragonee...... what was that statue called?"

"Ah can't recall, it's too complicated."

"Well, it was that statue, nevertheless," the unicorn concluded. "It made us go at eachother's throats."

"With all the respect, Sweetie," Scootaloo chuckled, "It's all in your imagination."

"No, it's not," Sweetie exclaimed and glared daggers at Scootaloo, "That statue is creepy!"

"You're just being superstious," her friend told back.

"No I'm not," Sweetie Belle snapped and put away her mirror to approach Scootaloo with an angry frown.

"Girls! Please, stop it," Applebloom stood between them, "You're starting it again!"

The fillies didn't get to continue their argument. The ground began to vibrate which got everypony's attention drawn to the walkway some distance away. A small squadron of royal guards thundered past everyone, including Cheerilee's class that watched the happening in confusion. Several pegasus zipped through the air and landed to join the other guards at the ground.

"Excuse me, sir," one of ponies in the by-stander crowd asked an individual guard who stopped for a second at hearing the question, "What is going on?"

"The dragonequus statue has disappeared," the royal guard growled a quick reply and hurried after his squad, the given news puzzling everyone else.

"Why do I get a bad feeling from this?" Sweetie Belle whispered nervously.

***

His heart felt like it was bursting from joy. At last, after millenias, what he had longed for finally rewarded his patience.

Free from the shackles that the alicorns had used to imprison him, the powerful agent of disorder repositioned to scout the entire surrounding world in a lesser time than it takes for you and me to blink once. Once mapping out everything from the seasonal state of flowers to what fabric brand Rarity favors his calculative mind began to plan ways to redecorate it all to his twisted needs. Discord stalled by a mountain top and relaxed on his wooden throne that popped out of nowhere at the very second his mind longed for it's presence at the highest summit and cracked his knuckles, yawning and flexing himself from the fatique of being stuck within his petrified shell. For a moment he would rest. The fun time at what to him would always represent a giant sand box was nearly about to begin.

***

Manehatten, the modern industrial wonder that suspends it's foundation on stainless steel and concrete was as busy as it tends to be, it's business model tightly interwoven to it's very maintaining force that flew up and down the street in a literal river of pastel colors. The ponies of the city never strayed from their schedules, being used to the belief of their careers retaining an everlasting basis for what was their daily survival. To make it in a modern city hierarchy there is only one direction to move which is forward.

Raspberry Jelly crossed the street near the public park and sat down to a bench that wasn't being occupied by others. A dentist by career, it was his free day off because it was Saturday. Like most devoted ponies Jelly too was fretting about being away from what was his passion, the clean dental hygiene of his clients, something that itself was supplemented by his good social skills which is how he gained several friends on the job, a mare and two children. The stallion frowned in his boredom and proceeded to take out the newspaper that he had acquired a moment ago from his saddle pocket upon resting down on the bench, spreading the scroll open before him to read through the celebrity gossips and economic charts of the day.

By the time Jelly reached the fifth article something white flew by the corner of his vision which distracted his attention away from the scroll. Eyeballing his surroundings, the stallion spotted nothing out of the ordinary.

"Must have been a bird," Jelly thought to himself and kept reading.

In a moment the same thing happened again when the flying object returned, making several passings right behind the newspaper that blocked him from seeing what eluded his sight. As soon as Jelly placed down what he was reading the mysterious subject was nowhere to be detected.

"Is somepony playing a prank on me?" the stallion uttered in annoyance without receiving any answer.

When nothing happened Jelly brought his focus back to the paper. Only this time he was anticipating the object's reappearance. He didn't have to wait long, what had eluded him soon made another passing.

"Aha!" Jelly exclaimed as he brought the scroll away from blocking what was behind it. "Wha-------?"

What he saw evaded Jelly's understanding. What to him had appeared to be a bird was instead what looked like a clump of floating white hair that resembled a duster or a brush. It appeared alive in how it took circles around the air, weightless and playful in it's gracile motion.

"What in Celestia's sake are you??"

The clump of hair circled around, behaving akin to a playful young puppy dog that wants to play with a mate. A tiny chuckle resonated from within the clump to confirm it's intention.

"Leave me alone, buckering freak of a creature!" Jelly shouted in panic and aimed a swat at the floating clump using the scroll that he had by now rolled up to use as a makeshift bludgeoning weapon in an attempt to protect himself from the abrupt visitor. His aim was right on target, the tip of the newspaper hit the intruder dead center and sent it careening backwards.

The floating clump of hair now let out a deep growl that contrasted it's earlier playful mood. It didn't like being rejected. A poisonous hiss signaled a changing attitude in it's behavior, a short release of steam spewing from amidst it's strands hinting at what would follow. What appeared like otherworldly glowing yellow eyes slowly materialized to the thin air at the side of the clump that faced towards the stallion to glare at him with ferocity, all to Jelly's horror and dismay which by now began to draw in attention from the other few ponies who were near to the vicinity of the stallion and his peculiar companion.

Without any further warning a flash of light erupted like a small cannon going off. Catching the scent of putrid smoke in his nostrils, Jelly glanced at his scroll to see half of it incinerated to dust. At that moment another pulse of energy streaked right above his head and the earth stallion felt a burning heat shave his mane. By then Jelly had lost all of what remained of his shredded self-control.

Raspberry Jelly jumped off the bench and galloped down the park trail as fast as his hooves allowed.

***

"Splendid!" Discord exclaimed to himself egoistically, observing the herd of what had moments ago been ordinary bunnies stampede over a flowery meadow with long giraffe-like legs that he had created to amuse himself. Like an arrow the semi-god flew up to the sky and took a relaxed position on top of a cloud at a grace that would make a pegasus jealous. Jabbing at it's soft, cotton-like structure with the clawed finger of his taloned hand, the dragonequus looked thoughtful for a short eternity before a symbolic lightbulb went off above his head which he shut off by pulling a bottom cord.

"I need to spare power, more economic when you have total chaos to commit," Discord told himself in delight and focused his touch at the cloud frontier that surrounded him. It turned pink and began to rain down molten chocolate which quickly stained the ground below the clouds dark brown. "Thank you for being a good inspiration, miss Pie. I will deal with you and your friends later," the semi-god chuckled almost cheeringly, having already executed necessary arrangements with the artifacts that had formerly taken away his freedom.

Spreading the palm of his hand to grasp an appearing empty glass and filling it with the chocolate rain, he drained it all in one gulp and threw the drinking utensil towards an individual house that happened to be located nearby. The building blew up upon the moment the glass impacted against it's walls and collapsed to a destroyed heap on the ground.

"They certainly don't build them like they used to," Discord laughed deviously and rubbed his chin as he pondered for new ideas. As soon as he did the dragonequus suddenly fell silent with a confused expression moving across his elongated face. Something felt amiss, something that he quite couldn't wrap his mind around.

"Wait!" Discord boomed in sudden anxiety and poked around his chin with his sharp fingers, "My beard! It's gone! Where is my beard?!"

***

A wheeled cart travelled down the pebbled road somewhere within the borders of Trottingham. It was towing itself without anypony at the front, a barely visible glow that surrounded it's frame being the sign hinting of it being driven with unicorn magic. The individual behind said steering was sitting comfortably behind the neck harness that was usually used by the cart's owner to pull the wagon, a tired looking yellow mare unicorn who was returning with a large amount of potatoes filling the cart to it's brim. A cutie mark depicting a pitchfork decorated the elder mare's flank. We shall call her Mustard.

The wagon progressed down the road with relative ease and speed which hinted at Mustard's skill of using her horn to move heavy objects. She looked above to note the position of the sun, acknowledging that it was late evening. "Oh well, might as well drop by a pit stop to buy something to fill mah stomach while I'm at it," Mustard thought in her drowzy state, having spotted a farm building half a mile away down the open road that she was travelling. The unicorn wouldn't be in a haste as she only lived a reasonable distance away and felt positive that a quick snack would boost her aging muscles after she had forgotten to buy some of the shopping list items while at the town.

Soon enough her cart turned and headed up the short path that crossed the front yard of the house and parked near the gate that blocked any unwanted visitors from entering. It was a traditionally built wooden blank construction slightly worn by weather but otherwise kept in working condition by the owner of the farm. Attached to it's left main pillar was a copper bell that could be used by those who wanted to do business with the farmers to call their attention. Mustard enveloped it to her magic and rang it to summon someone who could sell her groceries.

She waited for a moment without seeing anypony approach the gate and ended up ringing the copper bell several times. A loud grumbling of her stomach made Mustard impatient which eventually motivated her to inspect the yard with her still pristine long distance sight. Her timing was according. She spotted a lone colt heading through the front yard at full gallop. The eyes of the young pony stood wide on their sockets which Mustard immediately noticed as she followed him by moving alongside the fence. The colt was obviously frightened by something.

"Hey, young sonny, do ya mind telling me where Ah can find your parents?" Mustard asked politely from behind the fence. Instead of answering her question the young colt simply glanced at the unicorn in fright and kept fleeing, already gone before she got to repeat her enquiry.

Disappointed by the indifferent manners of the young horse, Mustard walked back towards her cart. Before she even prepared to get on it a loud racket made her jump in fright and glance back at the farm house. After a long moment of silence passed Mustard's breathing settled from the initial shock when she deemed the situation currently safe to herself. But in the wake of fear she now found herself naturally curious.

What was going on? Why had the colt been so eager to withdraw without at least saying something? What was the loud crashing noise all about? The farmers might be at trouble and needed somepony's help. Even with the uncertain nature of the situation Mustard decided that she would somehow have to find a way to investigate. But first she would have to clear the gate.

A new loud banging sound ringed through Mustard's ears. This time she wasn't caught off-guard but kept alert for possible signs of anything or anyone that might be nearing her location. Then she glanced at the gate and realized something that had evaded her when she had stood by it the first time. It was swaying freely on it's hinges in a weak cluster of wind that blew over the location which meant that it was unlocked. Pushing the gate open, Mustard entered the front yard, slightly more nervous at what she might discover.

She got to the first house and stalled to listen. The farm was as quiet as it had been when she first arrived. No crashing noises, no sign of the young colt nor the rest of his family, just deceptively calm silence.

Then she heard a different kind of noise. A silent whimper came from the direction of the closest barn. Mustard listened with keen ears. Was it the colt? It had sounded feminine. Maybe it was someone else. The mare approached the barn cautiously and got to the entrance to locate the source at which is when she stopped again and looked inside. What she saw was neatly packed piles of hay placed at both opposite walls and open doors at the other side of the building which gave way to an idyllic view of the fields opening behind the farm. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Yet the whimper had originated from there. And then there was something else. Mustard's nose made out a slight hint of a smell almost as if something wooden had been burned recently. She wanted an answer to her curiosity at once. Swallowing quietly, the mare entered the barn.

Once inside she looked around the space that she had not been able to view from outside and almost instantly found what she assumed to be behind the whimper. A younger earth mare stood frozen at the corner some distance away. Her eyes were standing almost identically to what Mustard had seen with the colt. Laying below her hooves was a slightly smoldering rod that had been the handle of a large wooden brush or some other farming tool that Mustard assumed she had used to fend off something. If said handle ever had a tip the head of that tip had apparently gone up in smoke by unknown ways.

"Uh, hello?" Mustard tried to communicate.

The mare gasped in shock, not having expected a visitor to pop up. Like the colt she didn't reply and instead shook in place without budging otherwise.

"Are ya okay? What is going on in here?" Mustard added, "Ah just came here to acquire somethin' to eat and........"

"S-s-sssshhhhh!" the farm mare held up a hoof to indicate her quest to not speak and kept staring below. Located close to her was an open milk container.

"What is happening?" Mustard whispered. "Ya all acting strangely and Ah heard some noises."

"T-t-t-the milk........" the farm mare finally managed to utter, watching the container in terror.

"Ah don't get it," the unicorn replied while taking repeated ganders between the container and the other mare, "Are ya afraid of milk? Ya farmers milk cows all the time."

"I-i-i-in the container," the earth pony emphazised nervously.

Mustard glanced back at the milk container. It's sides had spills and it had no lid on. As she kept looking it suddenly shook, only briefly but still detectable to well focused eyes. Then it shook again. Something alive was moving it from within.

"What in tarnation..........?" Mustard managed to utter in surprise.

The container shook a third time and both of the mares heard slurping, like someone swallowing a drink. As soon as it stopped something ejected to the air through the open top of the container. A white blur moved up several meters and changed direction to glide left, taking refuge behind one of the wooden support pillars of the barn. As it happened the farm mare dropped to her stomach and shielded her head with her front limbs, whimpering loudly.

"Please don't kill me!"

Now ignoring the frightened farmer and having forgotten her hunger, Mustard stared at the creature that had emerged from the container as it shook itself clean from the excess milk that was dripping from it's dynamic looking shape. It had a random form, like a cluster of very bright grey hair that was bundled from the tip in such a way that it appeared like the head of a brush. It floated in the air weightlessly akin to an oceanic underwater jellyfish. Only this creature was fast and clearly mastered it's movement better than any living being that Mustard had seen before.

Having shaken off the milk, it appeared to be fully aware of the two pony's presence as it came circling back towards them. The farm mare trembled in place at where she had collapsed as the bundle of hair halted above her. For a second all it did was observe. Then it did something strange. The creature began to glow and developed a magical aura that also appeared on the milk container. From beside Mustard's jaw dropped as she witnessed it slowly lift to the air. After gaining some altitude it became placed right above the farm mare. What Mustard heard next was a slight giggling noise which she realized had come from the bundle.

The container tipped downwards, spilling what milk was still inside on the intended victim. The farm mare became covered in the liquid, crying loudly in the belief that she was being evaporated by what was now playing a prank on her. The emptied container settled back down aside the trembling pony with a hollow *blonk*.

"Ah think she was being a tad melodramatic but Ah still feel that wasn't exactly fair from ya, stranger," Mustard said to the creature, "Who or what ever ya may be."

The bundle zipped towards the other pony and was almost instantly floating in front of her face. Two yellow eyes appeared out of nowhere at the side of the bundle that faced towards her, glaring daggers at the unicorn.

"Whoa-whoa-whoa, sonny," Mustard held up a hoof, "Ah didn't mean to offend ya with that remark, okay? Nopony's going to hurt ya."

The yellow eyes lost their anger, replaced by a sad, almost sympathetic look.

"Where do ya come from, sonny?" Mustard asked, "Uh.......Ah'll just call ya sonny if that's alright, Ah haven't exactly met something like ya before, if ya know what Ah mean."

The creature's top portion bent down in repeated flicks to represent an agreeing nod which was reinforced by an approving "uh-huh" that resonated from somewhere within the bundle. Some of the individual fibers lifted upwards from both sides to form two temporary limbs which the bundle used to meme a shrug of shoulders. To Mustard it seemed clear what it tried to bring across; The bundle of hair couldn't recall it's origin.

"Well, that's a shame, really, it makes me wonder where Ah could see more of your kind if ya have brothers and sisters," Mustard told the bundle, "Ya fascinate me, little fella."

The bundle released an amused giggling noise and took several spirals to gather speed, zipping out of the barn.

"Wait, where ya goin'?" Mustard called after it, "We didn't get to talk much yet!"

She still made out the clump of hair in the distance, seeing it stop to glide in mid-air and wave it's goodbye at her with another improvised limb. Having farewelled it's friend, the bundle took a dive towards the turnips field and disappeared.

***

"It must have fallen off when I did all the scouting," Discord rumbled in displease and stared at himself through an oversized mirror, "I look plain awful without my beard. My face is so......... coherently clean and sorted! I hate order in my style!!" A bolt of lightning pierced the surrounding air to signal his current mood.

With a snap of his fingers the mirror disappeared from beside the dragonequus who's eyebrows sagged from slight grief. "Should I go look for it? I mean, it is my beard after all," Discord pondered, walking in circles on the suspension of nothing but thin air. When he finally stopped his hands had come together, the fingers rubbing vigorously against each other as their owner wrestled with his frustration while trying to make up his mind.

"Awwww, screw this, I'm free at last and I'm worrying about a beard?! A god of chaos can shave from time to time even if he himself didn't necessarily choose it," he eventually deduced, "I still got all of my limbs intact." The dragonequus wiggled his toes and flexed his body, taking several poses and stroking his head ornaments like a rock star inspecting his makeup, "I got my tail and horns in place. And I got my............," Discord fell silent and eventually sighed deeply, "crud. Oh well, rest in peace, old buddy of a beard. Your follower shall maintain your legacy."

With that Discord pointed a finger at his jaw and produced a new beard that popped in place to take the empty space that had once been occupied by an earlier bundle of hair. Then he summoned back his mirror and stroked the freshly grown beard, smiling in satisfaction as he admired his reflection. "Back in business. My say, Discord, you look smashingly handsome. And........," he suddenly paused to hold up a hand against his other ear to listen, "Oh, Celestia, you are so timely! I just got myself fixed up and you have already summoned your council. I suppose that it's time for my big entry."

Snapping his fingers to get rid of the mirror, the cackling dragonequus went on to meet with his opposition.

***

"I'm telling you, Parsley, you should go out on a date with him," a young mare said to her sister who was digging up turnips a close distance from her. Both of them had set out to harvest vegetables hours ago and were hard at work near their family's farm.

"Are you kidding me?" the other pony shouted, "I admit that he looks okay for a stallion but Boulder doesn't give a cow's moo about Rambling Racers. That band's my favorite and he just shrugs it all off when I speak to him about them."

Parsley's sister puffed her lips frustratedly at her sibling's attitude as she yanked another turnip from the soil and placed it to a wooden basket. "If you widened your interests a little maybe he would warm up to what you do with your free time better. Not all worthwhile stallions come on a silver platter, you know."

"Speak for yourself, Flower," Parsley exclaimed back, "You have broken up with so many colts by now that they would fill our neighbor's waste tank."

Parsley was caught completely off-guard when a flying turnip impacted her skull and knocked her sideways. Rubbing her aching head, the now angered mare got up to all fours. "Why did you do that?!" she roared at Flower who looked like nothing had happened while digging. "What do you mean?" the other mare asked innocently.

"You threw a turnip at me, you devious zebra!" Parsley barked and took an individual turnip from her basket to her mouth to throw it at Flower who ducked in time to avoid being hit.

"I'm not sure what just went into you and I seriously don't know what you're talking about," the other mare claimed. The defense proved ineffective against Parsley who picked up another turnip and flung it the same way she had thrown the first one, this one also successfully dodged by Flower.

"Liar!" Parsley roared in an upset mood.

To the surprise of both ponies, a new turnip came flying at Parsley from a different direction and knocked the farmer off her hooves. Seeing it, her sister ran up to help. "Parsley, are you hurt?" she exclaimed, helping her battered sibling back up standing, "Who is throwing turnips?"

She spotted another turnip come flying out of nowhere and reacted which saved her from getting hit but it also proved less healthy to Parsley who took it in her place. Dropping half-way, the other mare held the side of her head which had now developed a bruise.

All around Flower and Parsley turnips suddenly began to emerge from beneat the soil to lift in the air like something otherworldly had given them a mind of their own. Both of the ponies were puzzled by what went on and retreated away from the growing formation of floating vegetables. To increase their fear, something else had appeared in the middle of said formation, a randomly shaped entity that resembled a white cluster of fibers bundled together from the tip. It was glowing in a bright, colorless aura which gave it a ghostly appearance, the same aura emitting from all of the vegetables. A tiny childish giggle was heard.

Flower and Parsley only had a few seconds to take in what was happening before they were bombarded with turnips. Taking several hits, both of the mares turned and galloped for their lives across the field to escape the hailfire of vegetables. Their attempt to get away would have nearly been a success if the bundle of fibers didn't have other plans. At the trail that they used more turnips emerged to cut them off which made the ponies stop and glare in panic at the tightening noose around them, just like the white bundle had planned. Before their eyes the entire turnips field became uprooted to the air and gathered to a giant cluster that formed to the sky above them. What was to come deemed on both mares in an instant. There was no time to escape the incoming conclusion.

"I love you, Flower," Parsley cried to her sister's arms.

"I love you too, Parsley," Flower replied in fear.

The immense cluster of turnips came crashing down, burying the ponies to a large pile of what they had been harvesting. In the air the white bundle of hair chuckled in a fit of amusement and took off to seek new victims.

Whereas it's former owner would end up being re-petrified Discord's old beard continues to play rude pranks on unsuspecting ponies wherever it travels. And, as Equestria is a large place for a relatively small bundle of hair, there are a lot of pranks to play.

***