I, for one, welcome our new Goddess of Immortality.
"And so I believe that the best solution we have to the ongoing issue of Equestria's population crisis is to follow the relationship models portrayed within many highly educational graphic novels available in my personal library. That is, with the disproportionate number of stallions compared to mares, it may be reasonable for a--"
"Twilight, Twilight... please..." Celestia facehoofed.
"Please?"
"Please, go touch grass."
Twilight stiffened before giving a salute. "I'll do so right away!"
"Wait, Twi--"
Twilight teleported away before Celestia could finish.
"SPIKE!" Twilight atomically exchanged the particles making up Spike's bedroom door with the cold, unfeeling void, the vacuum effect of which caused her to be violently sucked into the room.
"Mmfph." Spike muttered from underneath the weight of one not-quite-fully-grown alicorn.
"Spike, I need your assistance!" Twilight gushed, pushing herself off. "Celestia told me to touch grass! I need to develop the most efficient way to touch grass while still being able to complete my day-to-day tasks!"
"Twilight, I think you should take--"
"Take. Tape. Tape feed! You're a genius!" Twilight crushed Spike again in a bearhug. "I'll be in the workshop if you need me!"
"Wai--"
Twilight rematerialized the door behind her. Unfortunately for Spike, he was already halfway through the doorway when that happened and now he's violently clipping through the door because Celestia deemed it necessary that Equestria operates using the physics engine of a Bethesda game.
"Twilight..." Spike wheezed as he dragged himself--still encircled by the remains of the door--into the workshop. "Twilight, you gotta stop. Celestia meant that you should go outside and--"
"Riiiiight!" Twilight rushed past Spike. "That's where grass grows! And here I was trying to genetically engineer it from a strand of my own mane!"
"Wh--" Spike spotted the flower pot full of screaming strands of lavender horsehair. "What???"
"Wrench?"
Spike handed Twilight a wrench. The screaming pot of hair continued to nibble at the pieces of pancake he'd placed on the soil.
The wrench rose back out from underneath the grassy belt.
"Take wrench. Wire crimper, please."
He took the wrench and passed along the wire crimper.
"And we should be done!" Twilight popped out beneath the belt. "Hit it, Spike!"
Spike sighed as he pressed the big red button on the control panel. Slowly, the machine began to whir to life, its grass-studded belt transitioning into a blur of green.
"Now I can touch grass all day, every day!" Twilight cackled. "And guess what? I made it portable, too!"
She slid in beside Spike and pressed another button. A small hatch opened up to reveal a miniaturized version of the machine.
"With this device strapped to my back, I can touch grass anywhere at any time!"
A loud bang rattled the room. Through the dust beginning to seep in from all sides, a hooded scythe-wielding figure emerged.
"Twilight," a ~~hoarse~~ horse voice boomed, "Your time has come. In this palace of crystalline asbestos, your unprotected lungs have been reduced internally to a bloody pulp. It is time for your departure from this world."
"But what about me?" Spike raised a claw.
"Your dragon biology and ability to consume hard crystal has ensured your safety. I shall not return for you for many centuries."
"Oh. Okay."
"As for youuuuuuuuuu..." the figure raised a bony hoof at Twilight.
"I refuse!" Twilight stamped a hoof. "In the face of death, life always finds a way!"
She picked up the larger grass-touching machine with her telekinesis, turning it on and approaching the figure with the rapidly accelerating band of grass. "In the name of friendship, magic, and all that is harmony, I banish thee!"
The phantom screeched as millions upon millions of grass-induced papercuts (grasscuts?) began to shred into its ghastly being. "My grass allergies! Curse youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!"
"RETURN FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!" Twilight continued to shriek, pushing the machine deeper into the apparition. "SPIKE! WE'RE INVENTING IMMORTALITY TONIGHT!"
"Yeah, alright," Spike dismissed Twilight with a wave of his claw. "I'm going back upstairs now if you don't need any more help."
"CELESTIA!" Twilight exploded into Canterlot Castle's throne room.
"CELESTIA!" Twilight shredded her way into the castle's kitchen.
"CELESTIA!" Twilight Taco Bell'd Celestia's personal toilet.
"CELESTIA." Twilight burst through the walls of Celestia's mental sanctum Kool-Aid man style.
"...Celestia?" Twilight peeked into Celestia's study. "I have completed the mission you have bestowed upon me."
Celestia raised a brow, unaware of the carnage her former expelled-for-medical-reasons student had wrought upon the castle.
"I touched grass!" Twilight lifted up the full grass-touching machine, complete with the remnants of the Grim Reaper still clinging to the industrial-strength rubberized belt in the form of skid marks.
"You what."
"I toucha da grass!" Twilight revved up the machine. "And I also made everypony immortal! You're welcome."
"Twilight." Celestia rose from her seat.
"Yeah?"
Celestia watched her student press her face into the grass machine's belt and take a big whiff.
"Twilight, do you know what I meant by the phrase 'touch grass'?"
Twilight pulled her now-rugburnt face from the belt. "Yeah. I'm doing it right now, aren't I?"
"No, I meant--" Celestia stepped around Twilight and the bulky machinery she was holding. She opened the blinds, pointing a hoof out the window at Princess Luna, of whom was currently duct-taped to the field beneath them and screaming bloody murder in ancient tongues. "That."
"Ah, but I'm touching grass too, aren't I?" Twilight continued to polish her face against the grass machine. "And unlike your sister, I'm doing it willingly! This machine is specially designed to be the most efficient way to touch grass on the go!"
She lifted the belt from her face again. It now shone with a greater intensity than even Celestia's sun itself.
"See?"
"I do not see." Celestia deadpanned. "And I will never see again. Goodbye, Twilight."
Celestia drifted away as a stream of ash.
"Oh, don't you go dying on me now!" Twilight clapped her hooves. Raven Inkwell entered the room with a vacuum cleaner. "The Grim Reaper is extra-deceased thanks to me now, so as the new resident Goddess of Immortality, I command thee to continue thine existence!"
An unimpressive thunkmarked Celestia's rematerialization inside the vacuum cleaner.
Raven Inkwell left the room. This was far above what she was paid for.
Luna's screeches continued to echo through the window.
"So," Twilight slapped the machine down on Celestia's desk, destroying it in the process. The desk, I mean. "As reigning Princess of Everything, I've decided this is my office now."
Celestia protested Twilight's actions the best she could from inside the vacuum cleaner.
~~idk where this story even went how do I end this celestia-forsaken thing lmao~~
"Princess!" a royal guard rushed into the room. His eyes locked on Twilight before shifting to the Sun Princess, who continued her struggle within the vacuum. "Princess!" he returned his attention to Twilight. "I have an urgent message to deliver! Nopony is dying anymore!"
"I know! I'm the reason why they aren't dying! Isn't it great?" Twilight chirped. She sensually patted the grass-touching machine. "Would you like to give it a spin for yourself?"
"Er, no thank you, Princess. Returning to the matter at hoof, millions upon millions of ponies are rising from their graves, and grievously injured ponies that should've died from their injuries are screaming in pain!"
He paused. "And these two events are indeed related, in case you wish to inquire."
A grim expression spread across Twilight's face as she narrowed her eyes. She sat herself in Celestia's gaming chair. "If death is what is required, then so be it. Bring me the mare named Trixie Lulamoon."
"...And by the power vested in me, I deem you the new Bringer of Death." Twilight raised an armored hoof. "Go forth, and return this plague of walking corpses to their peaceful rest!"
"Trixie is very concerned about this!" Trixie yelled as she was dragged out of the study.
The incredibly-loose armor slid off of Twilight's hoof.
"--Right, where were we again?" Twilight leaned back against the still-running grass-touching machine. "Oh, right. Equestria's population crisis. As I was saying before, I believe that the solution presented within my collectors' edition Neighponese manga is the best option we have on-hoof to bring forth a--"
Celestia wept from inside the vacuum cleaner.
Author's Note
we're so back
