The CMC Are Given a Pistol
It’s no secret that Lyra Heartstrings is obsessed with the idea of humans. She dedicated a lot of her free time to researching and theorizing about their hypothetical existence. It was her favorite thing to do behind playing her lyre and spending time with her marefriend. She always strived to learn more about them. Whether it be their history, abilities, or even inventions, she was always interested. Recently, she has been fixated on their weaponry. While some ponies knew about guns, not many of them have ever seen one personally.
Lyra was seated alone at a table in the library. “Guns were used by humans to protect and attack. They operated through the use of gunpowder and bullets.” Lyra read aloud from a book titled ‘Human Warfare for Dummies’. Her session would be cut short at the sound of the library door opening.
“Lyra?” Bon Bon called out as she entered the library. Usually she would’ve been quiet in her searching, but it was getting rather late. Luckily for her the library's only other occupants were the rather noisy Cutie Mark Crusaders, who sat around a distant table bickering amongst themselves. “There you are! You had me worried sick!” She sighed in relief, approaching her lover. She noticed the pile of humanity related books that Lyra had piled on the table and shook her head. “That’s enough humans for today. Come on, let’s go home.”
“But I was just getting to the good stuff!” Lyra whined, darting her eyes back and forth between Bon Bon and the book.
“Lyra, I am the good stuff~” Bon Bon smoothly replied as she wrapped a foreleg around her marefriend, causing a blush to appear on Lyra’s face.
“Yeah… I know~” Lyra responded, trying to match Bon Bon’s energy. She wrapped a foreleg around Bon Bon in return, beginning to nuzzle her. Lyra reluctantly got up and left the library with her partner, trying to forget about the book she was invested in.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders watched the two leave, their ears perked up.
“Awww!” Sweetie Belle cooed, glad to see the two mares happy together.
“What’s a gun?” Scootaloo questioned the other two crusaders, who just shrugged.
“I dunno, but that book she was readin might be able to tell us.” Apple Bloom answered, eyeing the still opened ‘Human Warfare for Dummies’ from across the room.
Scootaloo decided to take initiative and go retrieve the book. She brought it back to the table where her friends patiently sat. Once the book was placed down the crusaders got an up close view of a graph. The graph showed how the proposed inner workings of a pistol worked. Although impressed by the display, the crusaders had no idea what the purpose of a gun even was.
“That’s cool and all, but what is it?” Sweetie Belle asked, looking up from the book to face Apple Bloom and Scootaloo.
“I have no idea.” Apple Bloom shrugged once more, taking her attention off of the book.
Scootaloo skimmed over the page, finding the section that Lyra had previously read. “Right here it says that guns are used to protect and attack!” She informed her friends, pointing a hoof to the aforementioned section.
“So a gun is like an element of harmony?” Apple Bloom asked before Scootaloo could continue reading, now far more invested in the conversation.
“I guess? Now that you mention it…” Scootaloo replied. An idea started to form in her head. Her face grew much more enthusiastic.
“It sure does sound like it!” Sweetie Belle chimed in, taking notice of Scootaloo's expression.
“I think I know what we’re gonna do this weekend, girls!” Scootaloo smirked. ‘Just like an element of harmony, huh? I could be just like Rainbow Dash!’ Her smirk grew sharper as she thought to herself. Scootaloo took the book and went to Twilight to check it out from the library.
Discord snickered, hiding behind a bookshelf. A wonderfully devilish idea sprang to his head.
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Lyra was huddled up next to Bon Bon in their shared bed. Not long after arriving back at their home the two had decided to get some shuteye. The warmth provided by the combined bodies of the two mares felt almost like an extra blanket, making their sleep all the more pleasant. Lyra usually had drab dreams, but tonight her slumber was enchanted by the presence of her marefriend.
“Hey, Bon Bon!” Lyra called over to her lover, blushing at the sight of her. Something about this dreamy version of Bon Bon got her hot and bothered. She felt her body grow a bit lighter at just the sight of her.
The fictional Bon Bon smiled smugly. She rose a hoof and seductively motioned it towards her. “Well? What are you waiting for, babe? Come get some sweets~” The fake Bon Bon spread her forelegs wide as if to catch an oncoming hug.
Lyra got the memo and began to trot over to her. She noticed that the ground felt awfully light. It was almost like she was walking on clouds. She looked down at her hoofs and saw that she was indeed walking on clouds.
“Don’t keep me waiting, sexy~” The fake Bon Bon began to motion her forward once again.
Lyra quickly took her attention off of the cloudy ground and lunged forward, knocking the imposter over. She began to playfully nibble at the faker's ear. She realized that this was a dream so she decided to take full advantage of it. She was acting much more assertive than she ever would with the real Bon Bon. She began to wear an evil grin on her face as she pinned the faker down.
The fake Bon Bon growled as her voice took on a far more masculine tone “Alright, that’s enough!” She yelled in a thunderous voice. She was then suddenly engulfed by a cloud of smoke, her body quickly transforming to reveal that her true identity was…
“D-Discord?!” Lyra stammered, taken aback by the sudden and unwanted direction she thought her dream was taking. “Please don’t hurt me! …or do? I’m sorry!” She began to cower under the god of chaos’ shadow.
“I knew you ponies were weird, but this is ridiculous!” Discord scoffed, narrowing his eyes in what seemed to be disappointment. “I get that you’re a unicorn, but there’s no need to be so… Horny.” Discord flashed a quick smirk, winking and giving a thumbs up as he looked into the distance to be met by the sounds of a drum set. He quickly snapped back to his previous attitude. “You have issues!” He stated as he pointed at Lyra, visible disgust on his face.
“...” Lyra had no response. She looked down to her hoofs in shame.
“Anyways, I thought I’d stop by to show you THIS!” Discord changed his tone to one of excitement as he used his chaotic powers to articulate a pistol out of thin air.
“A gun?!” Lyra looked up and dropped her jaw in awe.
“Correct! Impressive, right?” Discord dusted off his shoulder as if it were nothing. Well, to him, it really wasn’t anything special.
“C-C-Can I touch it?!” Lyra asked, anticipation stark in her voice. She began to reach a hoof out to the gun but it was quickly swatted away by Discord.
“Absolutely NOT!” Discord once again scoffed. “I’m here to teach you a lesson, not reward your depravity.” He rolled his eyes at her gall.
“Then why are you showing it to me, to taunt me?” Lyra scoffed in return, annoyance making itself clear on her face.
“No! Well partially, but that’s besides the point.” He looked over to the gun “Since you decided to leave a book about weapons open for fillies to see, I’m going to give them the weapon. Isn’t that a wonderful idea?” Discord chuckled, grabbing the gun.
“I was in a hurry, okay?! Plus that doesn’t justify giving–” Lyra was cut off as Discord let out a loud and exasperated groan.
“Didn’t ask, don’t care. This isn’t open for negotiation!” He snapped as he began to float.
“But why?!” Lyra screamed at him, just loud enough to elicit a response.
“Duh, because I can. Boredom’s also a pretty strong motivator. Toodles!” Discord giggled as he waved farewell to the distraught mare. He then promptly teleported away.
Lyra was helpless. She couldn’t do anything to stop him since she was stuck in a dream. No matter how hard she tried she just couldn’t wake up. “Tomorrow’s gonna suck…” She realized as she let herself fall back onto the cloudy floor.
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The Cutie Mark Crusaders had stayed up all night in their clubhouse researching guns. Scootaloo was fairly certain that they had now possessed the proper knowledge of how to use a gun, although that couldn’t be further from the truth. She shut the book and looked to the other crusaders. Sweetie Belle had fallen asleep and Apple Bloom was bobbing her head as she fought the urge to join Sweetie Belle in dreamland.
“Alright, girls. All we have to do now is get a gun!” Scootaloo exclaimed rather loudly, waking Sweetie Belle up.
Apple Bloom groggily glanced over and yawned. “And how y’all suppose we’re gonna do that..?” The filly slowly asked. She rubbed her eyes, trying to maintain her consciousness.
“No clue, but it can’t be that hard, right?” Scootaloo asserted. She looked towards a still awakening Sweetie Belle to try and gauge how she felt about it.
“...Mhmm…” Sweetie Belle murmured in agreement with her friend as she fluttered her eyes open. Truthfully, she hadn’t been paying any attention, but she was sure whatever Scootaloo was saying was right. Even if it wasn’t she wouldn’t be the one to blame.
A hearty knock rang on the clubhouse door, almost as if on cue. Scootaloo quickly answered it, only to be met with a box and a note. She pushed the box in and started to read the contents of the note.
“Dear Cutie Mark Crusaders, I have decided that you are worthy of a…” Scootaloo’s eyes grew large as she read the next word. She had to backtrack in order to stop herself from squealing in excitement. “I have decided that you are worthy of a GUN!” She squealed the last word anyways, despite her best efforts not to.
The other two crusaders shot up, excitement overtaking them as well. The three crusaders quickly tore open the box and pulled the pistol out before placing it onto the wooden floor. The CMC looked at each other with vigor before meeting their hoofs in the air.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS GUN OWNERS! YAY!” They all shouted in unison.
Discord snickered, hidden outside in a nearby tree. “This oughta be good.”
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Seated at a table in Sugarcube Corner sat two rich fillies. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were deathly bored. They had only been talking for thirty minutes but they already felt boredom creep its way into their lives. The weekend was still young and they needed something to spice it up.
“Diamond, I’m bored.” Silver Spoon sighed. There was only so much you could talk about bits and being well-off before it got stale. Luckily, they had a perfect way to cope with this: picking on other foals. Their favorite victims were the self-titled ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders’.
“I know, me too, Silvy. How about we go find Apple Hick and the Chicken?” Diamond Tiara suggested as she hopped out of her seat. She left a few bits to pay for their unfinished meal.
“Sure thing!” Silver Spoon happily complied, nodding and getting up as well.
Before they could leave they heard a bell ring, signifying the arrival of a new customer. They looked over at the door only to see the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They both gave each other sinister grins before they approached the three rival fillies.
“Hey, losers.” Diamond Tiara greeted her targets. “Learn how to fly yet?” She mockingly asked an irritated Scootaloo. Her previously dreadful boredom was already waning.
“No, but I learned something much better!” Scootaloo retorted with a confident look on her face.
“And what might that be, birdbrain?” Silver Spoon asked with a raised brow.
“How to defend myself and my friends! Isn’t that right, Sweetie?” Scootaloo assured, motioning for Sweetie Belle to do something.
Sweetie Belle nodded and used her shoddy magic to levitate the previously concealed gun. She gave off an innocent smile, unaware as to how this was technically a crime.
Diamond Tiara gulped as she began to backpedal. She knew what a gun was because her father owned one. Had all of those years of bullying finally come back to haunt her? Was this her comeuppance, getting shot by some unhinged chicken and her lackeys?
Silver Spoon, who had never seen or heard of a gun before, was bewildered. “What’s that, some stupid toy?” She glanced at her frightened friend and raised her brow even further. “Why are you acting so weird, Diamond?” She began to approach her friend with concern painted in her eyes.
“Silver, they’re going to k-kill me!” Diamond Tiara whimpered, her tail tucked between her hindlegs. She would usually be embarrassed, but that wasn’t her primary concern right now.
Silver Spoon’s eyes shot wide open, suddenly realizing that they were being threatened with a weapon. She quickly hid behind Diamond Tiara and began trembling in fear.
Apple Bloom simpered at the sight of her bullies acting so defenselessly. “This here gun thing really is for protectin, ain’t it?” She looked over to the other crusaders to welcome a response.
“Yup! They’re already running off to leave us alone, see?” Sweetie Belle happily squeaked, bringing the other two crusaders’ attention back to where their bullies were previously standing. A small cloud of dust occupied the area. “They must have really made a break for it, huh?” Sweetie Belle rhetorically asked.
Scootaloo chuckled and began to eat the unfinished meal. “How the tables have turned! Nothing beats free food.” She offered a half eaten cupcake to Apple Bloom, who gladly scarfed it down.
Sweetie Belle sat on an unoccupied chair at the table and began playing with the bits that Diamond Tiara had left behind. She carefully placed the gun down on the table.
“Hey, I’m gonna take the gun and defend the town by myself. You two finish this, I wouldn’t want any hard earned food to go to waste. I’ll meet up with you two later at the clubhouse.” Scootaloo quickly informed her cohorts as she used her mouth to pick up the gun. Her fellow crusaders had no objections to this since it was her idea after all. ‘Maybe if I can defend the town I can impress Rainbow Dash!’ She introspected as she moved towards the door.
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Lyra’s eyes shot open as she felt Bon Bon, the real one this time, passionately nuzzling her. “Good morning~” She looked up at Lyra only to see a terrified expression on her face. “Is everything alright, honey?” She felt herself frown upon seeing her marefriend so shaken up.
“I… I’m fine, hun. I just need to go do something really quick.” Lyra responded, starting to ruffle through the bedsheets to get up from their bed. She knew what she had to do in order to ensure no one got hurt: snitch.
Bon Bon looked down, twiddling her front hooves together. “Are you sure it can’t wait until later? I really wanted to spend some time with you.”
“I’m sorry, but it’s an emergency. I promise we’ll cuddle later.” Lyra rose from the bed and headed to the door. “Love you, hun.” She looked back before exiting.
“Love you too…” Bon Bon suspired as she watched Lyra leave.
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Discord watched as Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon hid in Diamond’s room under her bed, clinging onto each other for dear life. “Now this is priceless!” He chortled as he wiped a tear from one of his eyes. He turned his attention back to Sugarcube Corner, where he saw Scootaloo exit with the gun.
Scootaloo walked over to Carrot Top, who took notice of the gun rather quickly. She raised her front hooves above her head to surrender while she eased away from her wooden stand. “Take as much as you want, just please don’t hurt me!” She shuddered as Scootaloo took a carrot with her hoof.
“Thanks, ma’am!” Scootaloo let out muffled as she beamed. ‘Now time to find Rainbow Dash!’ She thought to herself. She turned around only to find Lyra, accompanied by two guards. Scootaloo, thinking they were there to help or even congratulate her, extended a hoof out towards them.
Lyra quickly used her magic to pry and retrieve the gun from Scootaloo’s mouth. Scootaloo was about to say something when she felt herself being tackled to the ground by one of the guards. “Owww!” She cried out. Her front hooves were quickly shackled together in cuffs. “What’re you guys doing?!” Scootaloo anxiously questioned.
“Apprehending you. You were flaunting and threatening civilians with a gun.” A guard answered her, a blank tone in his voice.
“Seems to be empty…” Lyra spoke up, having secretly removed the bullets herself while the guards were busy capturing Scootaloo. She didn’t want Scootaloo to get into too much trouble since she was only a filly. Lyra also did feel indirectly responsible for this whole ordeal.
“Is that so?” The other guard asked, taking the gun to check for himself. He nodded in order to confirm it to the occupied guard. “Since there was no intent to harm anypony her punishment won’t be as severe, however, she will still be receiving jail time.” He affirmed, helping the bound Scootaloo up.
Scootaloo had been frozen in disbelief. She was being punished? All she did was try to stick up to her bullies and defend Ponyville. “This has to be some sort of mistake! I didn't do anything wrong!” She darted her eyes around, she was shivering.
“Can’t you let her off easy? She’s just a foal and she didn’t know what she was doing was wrong!” Lyra pleaded to the guards. Her pleas fell on deaf ears.
“One week of jail time.” One of the guards stated firmly, leaving no room to haggle. The two guards began to escort Scootaloo away from the town.
Lyra shook her head and decided to head home. She knew that following them would only serve to get her into trouble as well.
Discord mockingly copied Lyra’s shaking and sighed. “That was fun while it lasted… Now who else can I mess with?” He scratched his chin in the hopes of summoning a thought. He was interrupted by the sound of loud dubstep music emitting from a nearby house. “I could always just get that DJ in trouble again… I think I’m going to file a noise complaint!” Discord jeered, hopping out of his hiding place.
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On the way home Lyra made sure to pick up a bouquet of flowers for Bon Bon. She owed it to her after earlier. She entered their house silently and was met with a pitch black room. “Bon Bon?” She called out into the dark room. She got no response. She began to feel her way along the walls and eventually found the door to their bedroom. She cautiously entered.
The bedroom was dark as well, but she could make out the figure of Bon Bon fast asleep in their bed. She smiled and placed the bouquet down on an end table. She carefully lifted the bed's blanket and slowly slipped in. She planted a soft kiss on the sleeping Bon Bon’s cheek before closing her eyes.
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“Say, didn’t Scootaloo say she’d meet us back here later, Sweetie?” Apple Bloom tiredly asked, holding some playing cards.
“Maybe? I don’t really remember…” Sweetie Belle sheepishly admitted whilst shuffling through her cards.
Apple Bloom shrugged and placed down a card.
“UNO!”
“GO FISH!”
The two crusaders had shouted at the same time. They looked at each other in confusion. They then noticed the bags under the others’ eyes and began laughing hysterically. They would both succumb to slumber shortly thereafter on the hard wooden floor of their clubhouse.
Author's Note
Let me know if you find any errors so I can fix them, thanks for reading!
