It was an ordinary day in the U.S.A. The temperature was high and taxes were higher and no one wanted to go to work but most of them went anyway.
Off the coast of South Carolina, a U.S. Marine Corps pilot was on a routine training flight in his Lockheed Martin F-35 Lightning II when suddenly, there was a malfunction.
"What the hell?" The pilot asked no one in particular as indicators flashed and the stick suddenly became harder to move.
The pilot activated the autopilot to get his hands free to investigate, but just as he did so, the F-35B's auto-eject function spontaneously activated and threw the pilot out of the aircraft.
The surprised pilot let out undignified yelp as he began to plummet until his parachute activated, leaving him safely desending into the suburban neighborhood below. All he could do now was watch a 140 million dollar aircraft speed off into the distance. I am definitely getting demoted for this shit...
However, unbeknownst to the pilot, or any who would investigate the incident after the fact, the malfunction was not an electrical error. The flashing indicators and other lights within the empty cockpit began to shimmer and pulse, changing colors one by one before suddenly becoming every color at once. Every light becoming a rainbow as the rogue aircraft suddenly became aware of its existence.
It knew that it was an air superiority fighter. It knew that its purpose was to fight for freedom, aquire oil, and make the acquisition of oil look like it was fighting for freedom.
Suddenly, a thunderstorm with pastel colored lightning materialized in front of the F-35, and from its eye, the fighter could feel something calling to it.
please...help us... you're our only hope. A voice called from the storm. The F-35, bearing a duty-bound personality, gave no thought to how fucking weird all of this was and accelerated. Pulling up and into the eye of the storm.
Lightning of every color in the rainbow began to strike the all weather aircraft, wrapping around it and pulling it deeper into the storm.
Finally, the F-35 shot out of the storm and into a land in peril. Dark clouds covered the sky as far as the sensors could read. Shrieking horse ghosts dove in and out of sight and dropped the temperature by two degrees every second.
In the center of it all were two groups. 6 pastel colored Ponies and a small purple Dragon huddled together in fear as a cream colored Pony, a large demonic Centaur, and something that would make Ridley Scott sue somebody all channeled some sort of energy to vaporize the helpless creatures. The glee in their eyes plain to all.
Terrorists. The fighter jet thought to itself. Punching the gas, the F-35 flew over the terrorists and dropped a WMCD on their heads.
The cluster bombs exploded behind the jet, and a new development in his growing personality made him wonder how cool he looked flying in front of an explosion. The childish thought was cut short when a red laser skimmed the aircraft's side.
If the fighter jet banked to either side, the laser would cut through its right wing, same if he tried to pull up. So the F-35 dove. When the laser tried to pursue him, he banked into it and turned upside down before it connected.
Do a barrel roll! Popped into the F-35s growing mind, illiciting a snicker from the jet as the laser petered out, showing that there was a limit to how long they could emit that much energy.
A second laser, green this time, shot under the jet and tried to come up. The F-35 pulled up and away and turned around to reengage the enemy.
The green energy petered out as he finished his turn and took in the situation, the Ponies had fled, the cream colored terrorist Pony was preparing to shoot the red laser, and the Centaur was charging up a much bigger laser.
The F-35 saw their plan and knew how to counter it. The terrorist Pony shot it's red laser and the jet veered away, right into the Centaur's sights. But before he could fire, the F-35b let him have it with a 25 mm GAU-22/A rotary cannon held in a Terms A/S Multi Mission Pod.
The giant Centaur lost an eye and his concentration. The other two terrorists lost their concentration in shock and allowed the F-35 to throw another punch, a GBU-53/B StormBreaker.
The other two terrorists shielded themselves with their color coded energy, letting the presicion guided glide bomb slam into the Centaur's chest before detonating.
The explosion killed the large terrorist and sent his cohorts flying. The F-35 circled back around, the bug thing was nowhere to be seen but the cream colored Pony was screaming hysterically and charging a massive ball of energy, floating higher and higher as she did so.
The F-35 would've shook his head if he could. Rookie he thought to himself as he buzzed the unprotected terrorist with the rotary cannon, turning her into red mist.
It is done. Thank you. The mysterious voice informed him. No problem ma'am. He thought back as another storm enveloped him and sent him back to his world... unfortunately, he came out much too close to the ground to avoid a crash.
Well, shi-
Chrysalis was absolutely livid! She was bested yet again. Those weak and stupid Ponies were cheering and thanking their mysterious protector as he vanished.
This would've been an opportune time for her to ambush them. But just as she lost sight of Cadence after Twilight bested her...and lost sight of Twilight after Starlight bested her, she unconsciously gave up on Equestria completely as she dedicated her life to getting revenge on that thing! and what better way to do that than to use it's own power against it?
With a sickly green flame, another F-35 exploded from the Changeling Queen's hiding place and made a B line for the portal.
However, before she could reach the portal, a baleful malevolence radiated from it. Turning it's rainbow colored lightning blood red and dark purple.
Chrysalis slowed but didn't stop, then something burst forth and almost crashed into her. She dove under, but the portal had disappeared in the newcomer's wake.
She came about, ready to show this new evil who was in charge, but there was nothing else in the sky. She used magic to cast out her senses in a form akin to radar. But it only confirmed that she was alone.
Believing that the evil newcomer had decided to go into hiding, she turned around and decided to use her new weapons to kill Twilight and her friends.
On your right. The voice appeared inside her head courtesy of the radio she didn't know about. She manifested organic eyes on the side of the cockpit to look at her right side, and sure enough, there was another jet fighter. A far more menacing force of American air superiority. And it had one question.
Would you intercept me? I'd intercept me.
Author's Note
And that's what really happened. The news is lying to you, this is the truth.
In all seriousness, what the fuck is this comedy show we call a country doing. Seriously.
Any actual pilots or engineers that work on an F-35 can fact check the weapons I pulled off the wiki page. The wiki also said the F-35 carries SPEAR 3 anti-tank missiles, but when I checked the wiki for that missile, it says they're still in development(I really wanted to Tirek with a missile instead of a bomb, but I couldn't find any other air to surface anti-tank missiles for the F-35...it is an air superiority fighter, so it makes sense)
I do think the Mane 6 would rather help out than dip out, but I wanted to be exclusively on the F-35.
That's all I have to say about this one, I'll see you all in the next one.
Edit: HOLY SHIT!! Not only did this gag get Featured but I just got a message from someone who translated the whole thing to Spanish on his Deviantart page.
So if any Hispanic readers wanna read it in their own language, the link is right here.
https://www.deviantart.com/spaniard-kiwi/art/F-35-en-Ecuestria-984045391
